"Not a sound," Kakashi tried to whisper, but what actually left his mouth was a strange, almost pitiful croak. Was it sheer exhaustion or had he actually managed to catch a cold for the first time in his life?
Karin clearly hadn't understood him because she squealed "Kakashiiiiii!", sounding as shrill as an alarm clock.
"Shhhhhh," he croak-cringed, "there are guards outside!"
Getting into this tent unseen in broad daylight had been a very difficult undertaking, involving him sneaking through the long grass inch by inch like a snail so that not a single blade of grass moved in ways that didn't look natural, then him cutting an opening equally slowly to be able to wriggle his way inside without the tent canvas moving at all. All the while hoping Karin wouldn't give away his approach too early while dimming his chakra signature to nothing.
"Kakashiiiii!" the tightly bound woman squealed again, her voice breaking and then sounding even shriller than before, "Kakashiiii, I'd never thought you'd..."
He dived forward and clamped his hand over her mouth.
"Be quiet for goodness sake," he rasped, tensely listening for approaching footsteps outside. There were none. But he needed to erect a noise-cancelling barrier fast... maybe a... a... water bubble? Damn, his brain was slow right now.
Something soft and wet touched his palm. Persistently.
"Are you... licking my hand?!" Kakashi let go of her in revolusion and hurriedly dried his palm on his trousers. Which helped nothing since his trousers were muddy and wet.
"You taste nice," Karin said and wiggled a little closer.
"Stay... stay put," Kakashi said a bit flustered, moulding chakra and running through the necessary hand seals in his head. Saru. Ne. Tora. Uma. Tora... Tora? Goddamit, what was wrong with him.
"Suiton: Water Dome Formation!"
A liquid dome formed around them, he had gotten it right, its shimmering walls a sufficient barrier against untoward noise for a bit. Hmmmm... but was it supposed to ripple like this? He looked at its unstable surface with irritation.
"It's dripping!" Karin complained with an upwards frown.
"Then move away from the edge," Kakashi rasped. It shouldn't be dripping of course. He had messed up. Just like getting a cold, that was a first too. He started massaging his forehead in the hope it would lessen the headache that sat right above the bridge of his nose.
"I'm so glad you're here," the redhead said tearfully, "I was so afraid. How did you even find me?"
"I tracked you," he croaked. It had been tedious and then some.
"Unbind me," she demanded, wriggling in his direction again.
Kakashi looked at her with a frown. "Not quite yet."
Her eyes instantly took on a feral sheen. "I won't let you bite me!" she screamed.
"Huh?" Kakashi's eyebrows shot up.
"I won't let you bite me," she repeated at the top of her voice, moving away as fast as she could, which seemed pretty pointless to him, considering the miniature size of the tent.
"Hey, I won't harm you," Kakashi assured her when he realized her distress was real, raising both hands in a gesture of peace, "I just need some answers before deciding whether to trust you, okay? Why did you run away from Konoha? Whom did you meet up with?"
"If you try to bite me, I will kick you where it hurts!" she screamed.
"No biting. I promise you, no biting," Kakashi repeated. "Believe me, I've tried it, but I really don't like that sort of thing, I think I'm more the romantic type?"
"Everybody wants to bite me," Karin insisted. "And I can see you're sick! You have a fever."
A madwoman. Kakashi remembered how people talked about her. How did one communicate with a madwoman? Ah. Maybe he could use the skills he had acquired from handling Tsunade?
"O... okay," he said, trying to sound reassuring and gentle, "that's unfortunate. I promise I won't be one of them. I only bite into food."
Gently nibbling didn't count as biting, he assumed. And no, he would prohibit himself from thinking of Sakura and gently nibbling on her. Even if he wanted to a lot, it was clearly not the time. Ah, he just wanted to be back in Konoha, with her, lying around in bed, doing nothing but reading and...
"Sasuke likes to bite me!" Karin proclaimed excitedly, "and I like it when he does! Everywhere! My whole body!"
"Way too much information," Kakashi murmured, feeling how he blushed profoundly. "Uhm, Karin? I'm not particularly interested in what you and Sasuke..."
He stopped himself. Not true. Though there were way more pressing issues to discuss, what had happened between Karin and Sasuke was also one of the big blind spots in recent history and potentially important for the future too. Especially Sarada's future.
"That's lovely," Kakashi changed his tune, "sounds like a spicy kind of relationship, must have been great."
"Yeeeees," Karin cooed, "Sasuke, oh Sasuke! He is great, just great. We spent days making love, days... no, weeks! He is the most tireless love machine and he knows how to satisfy me like nobody else... for example, when he..."
"Okay," Kakashi interrupted her, his face heating up again. "No details necessary. That was during those days when you...," what had been the name of that group they had formed... "you were H... Hebi?"
"Ah, Hebi," she raved, "Hebi, Taka... the best time of my life. But no."
"No?" Kakashi ventured on, trying to pretend he was an investigative journalist, someone like Sukea, who didn't feel acutely embarrassed to be prying into the private business of other people like this.
"No," Karin smiled with a misty-eyed expression, "True, I thought it was over after the war. But it wasn't. He came back. To me."
"Sasuke came to find you?"
"Yes," Karin smiled, "he looked at me hungrily and then he grabbed me and right then and there, he..."
"Oookay," Kakashi said, "I see, I see, he must really like you?"
"Yes!" Karin giggled, "he really likes me."
But suddenly, her face turned gloomy.
"Damn him, damn Uchihas, he is a player and he hurt me! One day warm, the next day cold, like he doesn't even remember me! He's a bastard! He got me with child, than he ran to that other woman... that... that..." a happy realization dawned in her eyes, "ha! The pink haired floozy is sleeping with you now, maybe Sasuke will come back to me!"
"Watch your tongue!" Kakashi felt anger pierce his headache. "Her name is Sakura and you won't call her anything else!"
"He left me for her," Karin said with a pout.
"He got married, that's why."
"But he didn't even want to!" Karin claimed.
"Well, apparently he did," Kakashi replied gloomily.
"He talked about her all the time, but he told me he hated her, she was the most annoying person in the world. Why did he change his mind?"
Because his mind was not his own, Kakashi thought. One day warm, the next day cold, like he didn't even remember her... The Uchiha illness. He claimed he doesn't remember ever touching Karin that time at the hospital. It's probably true.
"A reality we two share," Kakashi said, trying not to sound too bitter. "Sasuke and Sakura got married more than four years ago. But you must already have had Sarada by then."
Karin shook her head.
"What?" Kakashi asked with a frown. "Isn't she approximately five years old?"
"She's tall for her age," Karin replied, "she's four and something."
Cutting the love machine activities a little close to the date of his wedding, that Sasuke. Maybe it wouldn't make a big difference, but Kakashi thought he'd like to keep this from Sakura if he could. She had been hurt enough as it were. But at least, it seemed like the marriage had put an end to this overly strange alliance.
"Has Sasuke come to see you since his wedding?"
"No."
"And you never reached out to him to tell him you have a child?" Kakashi shook his head in utter disbelief. "Why? Don't you think a father has a right to know?"
"I didn't want to burden him," Karin said evasively. "I thought he would no longer be interested in me if he knew. Why are you judging me? Are you any better?"
"Yes, I'm judging you. It's wrong. So instead of coming to Konoha, you went and found Suigetsu and asked him to play daddy?"
"No, he volunteered! And maybe I told him a few lies."
"But you're aware Sarada is half Uzumaki, half Uchiha. Which makes her an absolute treasure in the shinobi world? And you didn't think you needed protection before somebody attacked you? Living in some fishing town?"
"I never taught her anything, she doesn't even know how to form the hand seals," Karin defended herself, "nobody found out whose child she is!"
"Until she awakened her Sharingan!"
"That's when I came to find you! Like you urged me to!"
Kakashi exhaled angrily. The opening of seals in his head had not given him access to a memory of that time he had seen Karin and Sarada. He had to assume that part of his memories had fallen prey to whatever the Uchiha blood did to him. Which... was a thing he would worry about after all this. If it had let to Sasuke forget what Sakura meant to him... but no. That would not happen to him. He would not let it happen.
"Tell me about that time I visited you," Kakashi said. He could barely imagine seeing Sarada, realizing what she was and leaving her there unprotected.
"No," Karing pouted angrily. "You're not doing what I want either."
"Fine, then don't tell me," Kakashi snapped and sat down on the floor cross legged, folding his hands in his lap. "Where are they taking you, the lovely Oni-masked warriors?"
Karin's face turned very pale all of a sudden. "Did she send you?" she breathed big-eyed.
"Who? Tsunade?" Kakashi's tiredness was catching up with him fast now. The Water Dome wouldn't hold much longer either, he realized with an upward glance. It was all the same, though. He had never planned to get out of here unseen anyway. The sooner he was discovered now, the sooner he could lie down.
"I knew you were hand in glove with her! As soon as I saw her picture in your bedroom!"
"So they're really taking you to Rin?" he croaked. Jackpot. "You've met her before. Has she done experiments on you?"
"I will not let you bite me!" Karin shouted and spat on the floor. "It hurts!"
"She knows you're an Uzumaki," Kakashi murmured.
Uzumakis had extraordinarily powerful life-forces with great healing abilities. Biting Karin... biting her would potentially transfer that chakra onto the biter.
"Has Rin been using you for healing?" Kakashi asked. "In the past? Did I..."
That cave he remembered. He had been there because he had wanted to help someone. That someone... had it been Karin? I've met her, Karin had said. She's the one leading that program. Her... Rin.
"How long were you there?" Kakashi asked. "And who else was there? What can you tell me?"
"What difference does it make," Karin answered tearfully.
"Why didn't you just stay in Konoha," Kakashi sighed. "Why did you run away? We could have protected you."
"What place do I have there," Karin said and began sobbing, "nobody wants me. They all call me a freak, laugh about me, and treat me like a commodity. And Sasuke! Sasuke is married to the pink haired... to that Sakura. I might as well die, but it's hard to kill yourself when you have my abilities."
"Oh for pity's sake," Kakashi exclaimed, "don't be so melodramatic. You have a child who needs a mother. If you don't act like a freak, people won't call you a freak. I will make sure you have a place in Konoha if you want it."
Karin continued to sniffle pitifully.
"Sasuke has his own mind, he can choose whomever he wants," Kakashi added, "but Sarada is your child, there is no choice about that. Neither of you can just pretend she isn't there!"
"I'm a horrible mother," Karin sobbed.
"Yes, I'm pretty sure you are but I'm also convinced that we can get better at everything we want to get better at!"
"She probably doesn't want me. She's better off without me!"
"Seriously," Kakashi whispered, his voice now entirely gone, looking at the hysterically sobbing woman with a mixture of pity and outrage, "do you even know your own daughter? She wants nothing more than someone to look up to and to feel safe with. Do you really believe a child her age does not want her mother around?"
"I'm horrible, I'm horrible..."
Amidst the wailing, the Water Dome collapsed, drenching them completely.
"I really do have a fever," Kakashi murmured, feeling hot and cold at the same time with a head and throat that hurt more by the second, "make sure they take me with you, I'm going to lie down now."
"Untie me! Untie me!"
Outside, a commotion started. Hasty steps drew closer, someone shouted something.
"Very sorry, but I can't," Kakashi murmured. "But I told you - you have a place in Konoha if you want it. I will make sure of it."
If anyone could keep such a promise, it was the Hokage, wasn't it?
###
Sakura jerked awake, her heart beating rapidly, Kakashi's name on her lips, a feeling of mind numbing misery flooding her consciousness even before she could open her eyes.
"A nightmare," she whispered into the still air of her bedroom to calm herself, "it was only a nightmare."
Still, the tears came, she couldn't hold them back. Kakashi was fine, Kakashi had to be fine, she was suffering from chakra depletion and it was completely normal to feel utterly depressed in such a situation. Horrible nightmares were a side effect. She knew this.
But knowing it and believing it were two completely different things. A massive panic was just another breath away. She had to hold it together. Had to.
"Sakura?"
The door of the bedroom was opened abruptly. Sasuke.
"I'm... I'm alright," Sakura lied, quickly drying her eyes with the sleeve of her night gown, "I just had a nightmare."
Manoeuvring his wheelchair inside quite deftly, a scowling Sasuke came towards the bed.
"A nightmare? Again?"
"It's normal," Sakura said, swallowing down the tears that stubbornly tried to gather in her eyes. "It's chakra depletion. I guess you've never had it."
But Kakashi had been in the hospital so many times because of it and she had never quite understood what he had gone through then. She remembered it well, the visits, his pale face and brave smiles, the worry she had felt. Only then, the worry had been for her teacher whom she knew was an important pillar of Konoha's defense. But now...
"Do you want something to eat?" Sasuke asked.
"N... no," Sakura said. She honestly didn't think she could keep anything down. "What time is it?"
"It's five twenty three," Sasuke said without checking his watch.
That meant that Sarada would be returning soon, from her lesson with Iruka. Sakura looked forward to seeing her, hopefully she had had a successful training.
"I'll make you a soup," Sasuke frowned, "you need to eat something."
"But you're still..."
"Instant noodles," he continued, "I'll make instant noodles, I can boil water. And you know I can stand now."
"You shouldn't stand yet, even if you can," she said. "Tsunade said it would take several weeks for your legs to heal properly. Why push it?"
"It won't take me several weeks," Sasuke said sullenly and frowned at his legs.
Sakura sighed. Why was everything always a competition with this man? Sasuke looked up and into her eyes. The Rinnegan was hidden behind his fringe, for which she was grateful, because that eye still freaked her out after all those years.
"Sakura," Sasuke said quietly, his visible eye showing a worry his voice didn't carry, "I am not going anywhere soon. I will be here for you."
"I'm fine," she repeated quickly, which was one of the bigger lies she had spoken in a while.
"Why won't you let me?" Sasuke said sullenly. "Still because of... him?"
Him. Kakashi. Kakashi whom she was so worried about. Whom she wanted to see like nothing else, this very instance. Kakashi... whose name Sasuke refused to say, as if his lack of respect could change the way she felt.
Sasuke's question hung between them and the longer she didn't answer, the clearer it became that she had no intention to lie about the obvious. The book she had bought for Kakashi and from which she had read to him not too long ago was lying on the bedside table. Whenever she was awake, she stared at it, imagining how she would read to him again. Like now.
"I am not deaf," Sasuke continued. "I heard whose name you shouted just now."
The evening light coming in through the blinds drew a shadow on Sasuke's face, making it hard to see the expression on it. But what could it be? His expression was always the same. Dark. Brooding. A man burdened by fate, by being the last of a clan who had brought an equal part glory and destruction to Konoha.
"Yes, he was part of my nightmare," Sakura said firmly, clenching her fists underneath the blanket. A dream. Not an omen. A dream, a silly dream. Kakashi wasn't dying, he was fine, he was out there getting Karin to come back to Konoha. He would be back soon.
"You can stop punishing me," Sasuke said grimly, "I understand what I did wrong. I don't remember that thing with... Karin, okay? I don't know what happened, really. I wouldn't lie to you."
But I know, Sakura thought. Why did you never tell me that you're sick?
And still, he wouldn't.
"That's a little strange, don't you think?" Sakura asked him and pushed herself into a sitting position before he could come closer to help her. There was a mug of tea on the nightstand, it was cold and bitter, but she drank it anyway, one zip, two zips, all of it in one big gulp.
"Lots of things happened before and during the war," Sasuke answered.
"You can say that," Sakura scoffed.
"I never wanted to hurt you," Sasuke said.
"Do you remember wanting to kill me?" she said viciously.
"Yes," he admitted. "I am... I am extremely sorry, I know it's unforgivable. I was ... I was in a very dark place then. But Sakura, you are... you are the one thing that keeps me sane, the one thing... the one thing I look forward to when I have to come back here. You... you mean the world to me. Don't you know this?"
It was probably true, which did not make things better in the least.
"I want a family with you," he continued, his voice quivering slightly, "I want you to be a real part of my clan, the mother of my children."
A sob escaped Sakura's throat, a sob that she turned into a laugh, a hard, mean sound that pierced her own heart like a dagger.
"Sasuke," she said, "I know you're sick, Kakashi told me all about it. It's in your blood, the Uchiha blood. It's some illness your brother and your father had too. Who knows who else, maybe Madara? He certainly seemed raging mad to me."
Sasuke stared at her with his dark eye, his face frozen into an expression of disbelief.
"You wanted to keep it from me? Why? You know I am a doctor. You couldn't trust me with this?"
"How dare he," Sasuke growled coming back to life. "How dare he tell you about this, I will kill him the moment he sets one treacherous foot inside Konoha."
"He's got it too," Sakura shouted, "because of you! Because he tries to help you, again and again! Because you got Kakashi involved in some blood experiments, do you know how goddamn dangerous that is? He could have died ten times over with that blood in his system!"
"He volunteered!" Sasuke shouted back, "he wanted his Sharingan back, he was more than eager to risk his own life for it! He is nothing without it, nothing and he knows it!"
Sakura laughed again, another hard, mirthless sound that came from a place she had not known she had access to before today. She wanted to hurt him, this husband of hers, hurt him badly.
"He is everything you are not," she said coldly. "Ever since he became our Sensei, you have tried to establish your superiority, but you know what? Not once did you succeed."
"Sakura, he's an old, useless..."
"You keep telling yourself it's the Sharingan that made him who he is. It won't become true if you keep repeating it, you know? He tried to teach you decency but you threw it all to the wind, why? Because of that jealous, pedantic side of yours that you never even tried to suppress. Kakashi would give his life for you even without a moment of hesitation. For you - and your daughter. For no reward whatsoever."
"I never asked for his heroism," Sasuke spat.
"But you'd be living in darkness without his tireless efforts to show you the light and you know it. And instead of being grateful, you cultivate your hatred towards him because you cannot admit that you need help, you cannot admit that being an Uchiha is a burden too big to carry alone. But guess what, you never had to carry it alone. I offered to help, a thousand times. Naruto offered to help. Kakashi offered to help. So many others would have been there for you. It is your goddamn pride that is stopping you from reaching out and taking the hands that are offered to you."
Sakura's took a few deep breaths, stubbornly looking at her hands, not at Sasuke's face. She had no reason to hold on to what had never been anything else but painful love, love that choked her, made her miserable, made her feel inadequate and small. But she felt sorry, so very sorry at this moment - sorry for him and what he was going through, sorry for the good moments they had shared, sorry for the bad, sorry she couldn't be what he needed anymore, maybe never had been.
Sasuke remained silent, so silent that she lifted her eyes to check whether he was still there.
He was, his face buried in his hand.
A wave of pity hit the back of her throat. "Oh Sasuke," she whimpered.
"I cannot live without you," he said so quietly she could barely hear it. "How? You've always been there for me."
"And yet, you never truly came to me," she said almost as quietly.
They stared at each other for a while until it was too dark in the room to see anything else but shadows.
"As soon as I'm well, I will do everything in my power to find a cure, Sasuke," she said. "I will find a way to heal you and make sure the Uchiha illness will never plague anyone else."
"Heal me?" Sasuke asked. "You're doing it for Kakashi."
"No, Sasuke," Sakura said. "I'm doing it for you and for Kakashi. But I'm also doing it for Sarada. It's time you accepted your new role as a father before it's too late."
"I don't know how," he murmured.
"Really?" Sakura frowned. "You? You're the guy who trained until his fingers bled and he fell asleep standing up. There's no excuse for not trying."
Into the next silence that descended on them, the front door was opened.
"Hello!" Iruka's friendly voice drifted into the darkness they sat in. "We're back! I've got to run, I have another... appointment."
"Auntie!" Sarada's voice followed his, "Auntie, where are you? I have so much to tell you!"
Sakura heard Sasuke's wheelchair move and then the light came on.
"We're here, Sarada," Sasuke said, looking back towards Sakura with determination. "Here, in the bedroom. I'd... I'd really like to hear what you learned today, will you tell me too?"
Sarada's footsteps slowed down before they picked up speed again. Her face appeared at the door and she frowned a little at Sasuke, but then, she came forward and sat down near Sakura's arm.
"I made a clone today, Auntie! A real clone!"
The child's innocent excitement brought new tears into Sakura's eyes, but she managed to suppress them. "Do you want to show us?"
"Yes!" Sarada sprang to her feet. "Iruka Sensei said I am making very fast progress, faster than most children he has taught! Uncle Kakashi will be so surprised when he gets back!"
"I'm surprised too," Sasuke said sullenly. "A clone? I will teach you how to make one hundred clones! We Uchihas are not only faster than most children, we're simply the best. In every single subject."
Sarada stared at him in shock.
"But it's fine if you are not," Sasuke quickly said, his face falling. "It's okay if you can only do one clone. One clone is good too, right, Sakura?"
He threw Sakura a despairing look, silently mouthing help.
"Perfectly alright," Sakura answered, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, "all that matters is that we try. Try as much as we can."