Drowning in Freedom
Chapter 24: Splintered Secrets
A/N: Get your tissues ready... that is all I can say :P
moonlight46: Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them. I feel you with the female elder, but that is politics you know? and don't worry, Mizuchi will have more screen time. However, I think that you will enjoy this chapter the best :)
Lumix1: Thank you for the comment, I appreciate it and honestly, when I wrote that chapter, I didn't even realize that I said that. It would have helped if I edited this, but we all know that I don't... It is just raw ideas, but thank you for pointing that out, because things like that make me into a better writer, so thank you. And on another note, I am happy to hear that you like this story and hope you like this next chapter.
AngelAmongTheStars: Yes, but I think that is the problem with slow burns like my story, sometimes things do get drawn out and in part 1 I was more guilty with this and in part 2. I am happy to hear, however, that I was able to get a redemption arc :P And you know what they say, the more you do something, the better you get at it, so thank you for going through this wild ride with me and I appreciate hearing things like this. Just like with Lumix1, in her reply I gave, it would help if I did general editing, however, still, bringing these items up is nice to hear because then I can grow as a writer so I appreciate it (and because you were nice about it, you just didn't slander me LOL). Konoha's politics are interesting to say the least, they can go so many ways, especially since both in the manga and the anime, there wasn't enough scene time devoted to it, but the two of us, we can make do, at least, I think :P OMG I hate Danzo so much, like all the time, i hate him more than I hate sasuke sometimes (and that is saying something). But thank you for taking your time out and I hope that you do continue to read, and hopefully I can do the ending justice.
AomeAzakura: Thank you :) I hope you like this next update!
"Are we ever going to talk about this large elephant in the room that seems to be suffocating in the air between us?"
It wasn't the silence that feel between the two of them that was troublesome. They had had their fair share of awkward encounters over sharing a living space. The stillness is what made the hair on the back of Amaya's neck stand up. She didn't move, didn't even bother to breath. Kakashi, stilled after he put his shoes up the two of them just looking at each other. A shiver ran down Amaya's spine, the air in the room having a crisp chill to it suddenly. Nevertheless, she refused to move.
"I knew that this conversation was going to come eventually," Kakashi said, monotonically.
Letting out the breath she had been holding, Amaya spoke as well, "I guess you have an idea about where to start then?"
Running a hand through his hair, Kakashi looked as if he was debating whether to put his shoes back on and run out of the house and away from this conversation. There was a reason neither of them brought it up trying to be ignorant with everything as they tried to enjoy this time that they had together. After this, after these words, there were only two outcomes of the night. The first being that they would get back together, that they could work through this. The less likely outcome. The likelier one, the second option being that one of them would walk out and leave the other tonight never looking back as the second chance they had been given was already decided.
"The beginning… Do you think that that would be the best place to start?"
Amaya licked her lips and her hands curled up into lose fists. She knew where this was going.
"Then ask me that question."
"Which one are you referencing?"
"Ask me… Ask me… Why did I try to kill you?" Amaya spoke loudly and with purpose even though her words came out filled with emotion.
Her heart started to beat loudly in her ears and she knew that Pakkun and the rest of the ninkin could hear it. Nevertheless, she knew that they wouldn't come to her rescue. No one would Kurenai was right, they needed to have this conversation with each other, but Amaya could only think of the destruction that was going to happen because of it. Her anxiety started to resurface, and she started to shake, almost as if she was put on the spot to give a public presentation to a room full of board members.
"Why—" Kakashi cleared his throat, "Why did you try to kill me when you left the village three years ago?"
Reality set in. That loud pulsating of blood pumping past her ears turned into the feeling of having her heart beat out of her chest. She didn't know if her hear was beating fast, or if it had just stopped all together. Sweat started to form on her palms and for a moment she relaxed her fists and wiped her hands on her dark pants, giving her little relief. She couldn't help but clench her hands into fists again, almost as if it was a reflex—being guarded, that is. She thought she wanted to have this conversation, that she was brave, that she had courage, but now, after she teased, poked, and prodded, she wished that she never decided to do this. She wasn't ready for this and anything that she said, it was only going to make things messier.
"I had… I had orders to leave and I knew, I really knew that deep down you were the only thing that could keep me here, prevent me from leaving…"
"Then why didn't you tell me?" Kakashi sighed.
Amaya licked her lips and steadied out her voice.
"Because, I couldn't put you in danger."
"Don't you think that I could have made that call myself? That you don't decide anything about my actions, that you can't control me?"
"At the time I thought it was the best option. I was just trying to protect you, keep you out of harm's way—"
"That is complete horse shit, Amaya."
"Well then, maybe it is…" Amaya stated simply, shrugging her shoulders as her eyes started to fill with water, giving them the appearance of glass.
Kakashi just shook his head and stepped onto the platform, not bringing his eyes to meet Amaya's. He padded forward and was about to walk past Amaya, but he stopped. Looked at her straight in the eye and spoke harshly.
"Look, I'm already getting angered by this. Maybe we should just push this off or not have this conversation—"
"This is exactly why we need to talk," Amaya stretched out her arms, her palms face up, "Both of us are at an impasse and it isn't healthy to keep this bottled up. We need to talk about this!"
"You don't get it, Amaya," Kakashi's voiced boomed, the sound filling the whole house, "You left me alone. I was suffering, licking my wounds, trying to heal, hoping every day that you were okay, but then, then I learn that you left the village to go be a part of the demons that hunt us down, that cost us our friend's lives! You did the most unspeakable thing… you joined the Akatsuki."
"That wasn't the original plan, and you know it! I never planned to join them, be a part of their organization, I just… I wanted to get stronger… I needed to get stronger. Danzo wanted me gone, he threatened my life and the lives of every single person that I have ever loved—"
"Did you ever stop to think that the ones you love have the capabilities to defend themselves? That you don't have to take care of everyone all the time?"
"Kakashi, you aren't listening to me, you don't know how brutal that man can be!" Amaya's voice broke as she raised it, trying to get Kakashi to listen to her.
However, she wasn't the only one trying to get their words across. Kakashi matched his tone and volume of his voice to match hers, and it was anything but calm and lazy like it typically was.
"I do understand how horrible Danzo is. You seem to forget that I was almost recruited by him, almost forced into the foundation. Yamato was in his clutches and he was my student, my pupil, and I couldn't let him go through that alone. So, I know what you are talking about, I know how dangerous he can be. But the thing that you never realized Amaya is that everyone, not just myself, Yamato, or your other friends, that we would have stood there by your fight. We would have stood there, by your side and fought for you."
"How the hell was I supposed to know that!?"
"You needed to let that foundation of trust you had in us grow, come to life, to see if we stood by your side or not, but you never gave us that chance, did you?"
"I trusted everyone that I loved, especially you, Kakashi. You were the person, hell, you still are the person that I trust most in this world. About anything. But I guess I am just a fool now, because you speak about trust and loyalty, but trust goes both ways here."
"And yet, you still left. You trusted us, and you still left."
"And yet, I still did leave."
"Then what happened with the Akatsuki then? If you were supposed to just get in their head and spy on them? Why did you join their ranks? Become one of them? Commit horrible sins?"
"I needed to train… I needed to get stronger, and Kisame… he wasn't going to do that unless—"
"Wow. Okay. This is starting to make more and more sense now. Your original mist sensei, it all comes full circle now, isn't it? Why did you get stronger, and most importantly, how did you do it?"
"I needed to get stronger. I needed to get strong enough that when I came back to Konoha, that I could defeat Danzo. I was filled with rage and that was the only thing that I could see was getting revenge on him ruining my life. My life could be wasted, I just wanted to take out the tumor so the rest of the cancer wouldn't spread to the rest of you. So, you, and the others could live the long, happy lives that you all deserve."
"Heh, this just keeps getting better and better. Are you that messed up in the head that you don't think that you deserve that too?"
"I was born and used for only one thing in my life. It is the only thing I know. I was born to fight."
"You honestly believe that shit?"
One look from Amaya and Kakashi had his answer. The woman standing in front of him had such a twisted view of herself that she really did think that. She really did think that the only real reason why she was on this earth was to be used as some sort of weapon that Danzo tried to shape her into.
"Jesus Amaya…"
"What?" Her voice cracked.
"Just… forget it. Don't answer that instead, answer this one, the one that you seemed to pass over. How the hell did you get so strong in those three years? It is almost like you have some over powered ability now, as if you could match that who had the tailed beast's chakra molded into them just like Naruto did."
"I can't match that sort of power…"
"Don't try to change the subject, don't try to blow me off!"
"I'm not! I'm just, I'm trying to find the right words but they aren't coming to me—"
"I don't care about the right words, I care about the goddamn truth, no more of this bull shit!"
"It isn't bullshit! I am trying here. I am honestly trying. When I left this village, when I made up my mind… when I was so numb to everything thinking that I just got through with killing the man that I fell in love with, the only thing that kept me going was revenge. Okay? Are you happy? I wanted revenge on the person, the man, Danzo, who put me in this place. The man who took my home from me and made me who I was. So, I figured I would find someone to train me instead!"
"What honest to god, could they train you to be? Don't just tell me to be a master nin who gets placed into the bingo book."
"I went to Kisame because he knows the truth about my kekkei genkai, that I am the last maiden of spring."
"Are you seriously going to go with that? Are you seriously about to tell me about a child's bedtime story right now?"
"Listen to me, I am not lying to you right now Kakashi. I haven't ever lied to you and I am not about to start now."
"What do you mean that you have never lied to me? You have lied plenty of times to me. So much so that I couldn't count all of them."
"No, I may have omitted some facts, and at other times just not tell you about certain things—"
"That is still lying!"
"No, it isn't. How can I lie to you if I don't say anything? All I did was try and protect you. Can't you see that?"
"And so you decide that in order to protect me, you decide to go out and join the Akatsuki, seek outside training because of what? Could you not do it here? Could you honestly not trust in anyone to help you with this that you were so thick headed that you went to our enemies and not only put yourself in tremendous amount of danger but the whole freaking village!?"
"It isn't like that! You aren't listening to me Kakashi!" Amaya screamed.
She opened her mouth and screamed the words at him. Instead of hitting something or taking out his frustration, Kakashi just put up a wall, trying to distance himself away from the emotion instead of feeling. Instead of working through what they needed to, he pulled himself away and Amaya realized that she was losing him. She really was going to lose the man in front of her.
"Please enlighten me. Please explain to me how you think I don't understand," Kakashi spoke in a monotonic way, alerting her that he really did remove himself.
"I made a choice that night to do something the night that I went rouge. I decided to get stronger and there were only two people on this earth that could help me with that! Both Itachi and Kisame had their roles when it came to my education. Kisame was supposed to train me when I lived in the mist, and now I know why that is."
"You care to share this enlightenment?"
Amaya ignored the sass-filled undertone that complimented his words.
"Kisame was the only one who knew how to train me correctly. Even Danzo couldn't figure it out; what the missing link was. He trained me so I could harness and use the powers that were already inside me. That were gifted to me. Now, now I fought for a cause and used them, I did what they were given to me for. I used them, my powers, to not only protect you but everyone else in this damn village!"
"And yet, you didn't have to go, you didn't have to do any of this if you only spoke up and told me!"
"I couldn't do that… I was forced to take an oath with Danzo… If I spoke about any of it, both of us would have died."
"Being dead, that would be a better outcome than destroying us, than giving up your freedom—"
"Do you even hear yourself right now?" Amaya paused, incredulously looking at Kakashi.
"I am just saying that—"
"No," Amaya shook her head, "I fought for everyone and you… you have no idea how it feels… I was too late to rescue my friend's father to her unborn child, to have a man that you love from the bottom of your heart look at you with total disgust, that your best looks at you as if you don't have a trustworthy bone in your entire body, the leader of the village, that you are close and personal friends with, sends you out because she is given no choice given that you were bred to be a fierce weapon that no cage could hold back making it the choice to send you out into battle for a high change of death… and to top it all, the best part of this whole thing, the real cherry on top, after I went out, after I got stronger, when I came back to this village with the goal of revenge, it finally hit me. Danzo didn't choose anything for me and it was all my own doing. I was a person seeking revenge on myself! With everything that has happened, the only person to blame… the only person that I can blame is myself!"
"Amaya, I—"
"No! You don't get to talk. Yu don't know what it feels like and you will never understand. You will never understand how I used up every ounce of my strength fighting for those who decided that I was a horrible person, just because I jumped over a fucking wall! Like I could desert my home? Even after all the messed-up crap here, I have people who I love here, who helped raise me… but at the end of the day, I had orders… orders that I disobeyed… and for what?"
"Orders… you call them that but you knew that they were wrong," Kakashi tried to sympathize but it went sideways on him.
"I have been in this fight, in this war against nations ever since I was a little girl… everyone around me used me how they please—"
"You are not the only one who has lost everything, Amaya. That isn't even a fair or close statement that you can make. When I first fell for you, I built my world up around you and here we are trying to fix the already shattered ruins."
"Well then, maybe we shouldn't since everything I say makes you think this is a goddamn competition."
"Shouldn't what?" Kakashi's heart paused, not being able to remove himself from the conversation anymore; letting his emotions take control of the driver's seat again.
"This clearly isn't working," Amaya shouted, tears starting to fall and stream down her face, "You just keep shoving all of my choice back into my face, but you forget that trust again, goes both ways here!"
"I trusted you with everything—"
"You trusted me, which is exactly my point. Can you say, right now, that if your like was in the palm of my hands, that you had enough faith and trust in me to keep you alive?"
There was a pause, and Amaya was expecting the words, already assuming that he was going to tell her off. Stat that he didn't trust her anymore and then that would be the end of that. That this conversation could finally end. That this would finally be the evidential verdict that she was expecting.
"Yes."
"I can't believe that you don't trust me—wait… what?" Amaya paused again, thinking that she heard Kakashi's soft tone incorrectly.
"Yes. Yes, I trust you with my life Amaya. That hasn't changed since the first day I met you, and I hate myself for it. Even after we were apart for three years, after you saved me from that explosion, I realized that day that I never could kill you. That even through my anger, my rage, hell, I still trusted you to keep me wrong when you were the enemy and listed in the bingo book. It was as if something deep inside of me knew that you wouldn't kill me. However, can you really say the same? Do you really trust me enough to keep you alive? You didn't think so three years ago, that much I have gathered from this conversation."
"I don't think that I—"
"You can't can you?"
"Kakashi, wait, I—"
Kakashi just dropped his head and sighed, pushing past Amaya and effectively ending the conversation. He knew that she did share the same feelings, that she didn't have that same feeling of trust. Both of them were hypocrites in this situation. However, before Kakashi had the chance to storm off like a toddler who didn't get what they wanted, Amaya yelled through her tears, making him stop.
"I have trusted you since I was eleven and you were fourteen, on my first mission."
Kakashi turned his head not believing what he was hearing, "You couldn't have back then, you didn't even know me…"
"There was… there is so much pain in this world, and I saw that pain in the middle of the war written on your face, but there was also something written on your face when you saw me that day I came to get you. A look that I realized many of the adults never carried around anymore, especially when there was a chance that we were about to lose the fight… there was hope written on your face. You gave me hope and faith that I could trust in. So, yes, Kakashi, I trust you with my life because it boils down to one simple thing: my life has always been yours."
Kakashi turned around and looked at Amaya, her new hair cut had a few strands that came loose, and they looked matted, attached to her wet face. Her look was complete with red, blubbering eyes and tear stained cheeks. She was trying to get him to see her side, and maybe she was right. Maybe he didn't want to listen to her, maybe he needed to let her in again, just like she was trying to do with him.
"You were my home, my light Amaya, and you left me. All this time, all this freaking time, I still loved you even though I was in pain, and I still don't know why. I have felt humiliated in the ways that I care for you."
"I am here now, pleading with you Kakashi… what do I need to do? Do you want me to say sorry until the day that I die? Because I will. I will do that for you. Just please, tell me what you need from me."
"Damnit," Kakashi's eyes filled to the brims with his own tears.
Amaya's pleads started to look more and more like she was begging him for him to stay. For him to give her any chance of hope, like the sign that she saw the day that they met.
"I don't want you to do that, Amaya I—"
"Then what, what do you want? What do you need me to do!?"
"Jesus! I want you to be here, I want you to be mine, and only mine. To be able to hold you and wake up next to you every morning. I want to be selfish and have what our friends Asuma and Kurenai had, I want to love you and be with you without struggle."
"But that is life, Kakashi! I can't give you a life without struggle. You and me, our whole relationship past, present, and future is written to be hard, that there will be a struggle because, news flash, relationships are fucking hard. Life has struggle in it and if there wasn't any then we wouldn't be able to grow, to change!"
"Oh come on, Amaya. Do you honestly believe that? Do you think that life is just filled with hardships—"
"Yes I do. I don't think that life is easy—"
"Then do you honestly think hat we can go back to what we used to be?"
There was a pause, "Honestly?" Amaya straighten out her back and her lip quivered.
"Yes. I want to know your honest opinion on the issue."
"Then, my answer is no. I don't think we can go back to the past, to the ways that things used to be."
Kakashi's mouth went dry as he forced himself to swallow. He felt his heart fall into his stomach. He gave it to Amaya and she threw it on the ground, ripping it forcefully apart and then stomping on it.
"Then, to put it like you just said, why are we having this conversation now? If you don't think that we can ever go back to what we once were, why are we still here, trying to destroy each other?"
He didn't care anymore. Kakashi let the tears he was trying to hold back, he finally let them fall.
"Because… we can never return to what we once were, the two of us have grown up, matured since we parted. The people who were and are in the past are exactly that. However, right here, right now, we have a choice to make. I'm not going to say that it will be easy, that it won't be troublesome or hard…"
"I know… I know it won't be. Amaya, you have to understand that I promised that when you woke up, if you woke up, that I would fight for you. That I will be whatever you need me to be. You shouldn't be the one begging or asking for forgiveness, I should be the one doing that. I should be asking you what I can do to fix things between us. I want you, Amaya. I want to make sure that you know that I want to be, that I will be the guy who will be there for you, the one that you can count on. The one that will always be there whenever you need someone. Yes, you're right. We weren't the same people we were three years ago, and like hell, I want us to be those same people, but I know that we are not."
"Kakashi, all this time, all I have ever wanted from you is for you to forgive me and find it within your abilities to love me again. You are the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and that has never changed. You are the only one that I have truly loved and I… I feel like I am holding on for dear life here… and I just… I just need you to need me back… You were my first love, Kakashi, and I intend for you to be my last."
Silence fills the room and it seems that Kakashi is stuck in place, Amaya thinking that she took things too far with her statement and her declaration of love.
"Please… Say something—"
However, Kakashi didn't need to say anything in that moment. Instead, he closed the distance, pulling down his mask in one swift movement. Wasting no time, he pressed his lips against Amaya, cementing his feelings and his own answer for the kunoichi. He placed his hands on her face, and he felt her relax into him. He started to wipe away her tears, and not expecting it, Amaya places her hands on the collar of his shirt, gripping the material and pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. Kakashi in turn, pushed the wet hair that was sticking to her face back behind her ears as the soft tendrils fell between his fingers.
Moving her hands away from his collar, Amaya let them travel down and rest on his chest. The two never broke the kiss and instead, their touch to the other seemed as if it was the oxygen that their deprived bodies needed. Panting, they break the kiss for a moment as lust fills in their eyes. Amaya takes it upon herself to be the one to move things along as she lets her hands fall down towards Kakashi's waist. She gripped his shirt and helped him out of it, throwing it somewhere in the room. She took a moment to admire that even after this time, and this time that he wasn't training, watching her in the hospital, this man was the definition of handsome.
Kakashi allowed her to do so, and he looked into her blue eyes, noting that they never get old. She was simply beautiful in every sense of the word. He quickly put his lips back on hers as he closed his eyes, his hands finding themselves, one on the small of her back, and the other one, taking her lead, undid her headband and let her hair frame her face. He felt the soft strands tickle his face and he gave up a small smile against her lips. He then let his other hand find his other, resting them on her lower back, just above her tail bone.
The kunoichi sighed against his lips, her hands roaming free on his chest, feeling every pronounced muscle. She found herself running her hands up and down him as the two pushed back into each other, kissing further. For balance, she placed her hands on his neck as if she was about to slow dance with him, letting Kakashi know that it was his turn to decide if they were going to take things further than this. That she was letting him know that she had trust in him, that she knew that he wouldn't hurt her. Kakashi caught on, and without saying anything, he lifted her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He walked into the kitchen and placed her on the countertop, but kept her close and boxed in, letting her know that she wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon.
When Kakashi let her adjust so she felt comfortable without the risk of falling off, he didn't realize that he wasn't going fast enough. He knew that because Amaya took things back into her own hands, removing her shirt for him. However, in the process of doing so, he noticed the scars that she had accumulated over the years they were apart, and the more recent ones from the surgery that brought her back from the dead. The kunoichi wanted the man to stop looking at her so intensely, she was starting to feel self-conscious about what her body looked like compared to his. She started to cover herself with her hands, but Kakashi pulled them back down to her lap. He took a breath, watching her breasts rise and fall within her bra with her alleviated heart rate. He licked her lips and leaned in, pressing up against her, letting her feel him as he whispered against her ear.
"You're beautiful, Amaya," Kakashi said, his voice dropping to a seductive, deep tone.
Amaya couldn't help but smile as she turned her head to sweetly capture Kakashi's lips with her own. She hummed against his lips and they let themselves get wrapped up into the other, getting consumed by their passion again. She let her feet curl as she wrapped the top of them against the back of his legs, keeping the two of them steady as she leaned backwards, exposing her neck to him. Kakashi, on the other hand, was more than happy to oblige, placing lingering kisses down her neck and collar bone, making sure to let everyone know that she was his. He left red love marks across every inch of flesh that he was given access to. Sighing in pleasure, Amaya lets herself enjoy Kakashi's touch, but then his lustful kisses turned into gentle pecks.
He kissed her neck softly and moved back to her lips by kissing up from her collarbone, to her neck, across her jaw and chin, up to her mouth, slowly and confidently making sure to not leave her skin wanting. Breaking away from her, Kakashi leaned against the counter, placing his hands on either side of Amaya's thighs. She rested her hands on his chest, looking up into his eyes with curiosity.
"Why did you stop?"
"I need to make sure you want this."
"What do you mean? Of course, I want you, want us," Amaya stated with confusion in her voice, pointing between the two of them.
"I want to make sure, because after this, I have no intention of ever letting you go. Where you go I go, Amaya. One day, I do plan to make an honest woman out of you—"
"Hopefully, not right now, because an honest woman is not what I want to be right now."
The two shared in a slight laugh, both chuckling, but then Kakashi pressed his forehead to Amaya's, making the passionate moment turn more sensual than them physically touching. Not only was the physical touch important, but even more so was the emotional foundation of every relationship.
"I love you, Amaya."
"I love you too, Kakashi."
Kakashi took his forehead away from Amaya's and ran his hand through her hair, only to cup the back of her head as she kissed him. He transitioned his hands back to his waist, and Amaya really knew, then and there, that Kakashi wasn't kidding. He gave her an out to take, but she wasn't going to. She wanted this as much as he did. She placed her arms back around his neck and her legs wrapped around his waist. He picked her up one more time, but this time, he didn't pause as he took her into his room and closed the door behind him, wanting to make love to the woman he gave his heart to so many years ago.