ISFNE Chapter 11
Eric POV
She had finally dreamed. I had been so thrilled at first to see that she was not only dreaming, but she was remembering such a different and better interaction between us. But as I continued to watch, I became horrified at the interactions between her and her construction of me. And now, as I stood in front of her shaking form, I had no idea what to do or say even as I saw her appearance slip momentarily.
"How much did you see?" she asked in such a fearful tone that it pained me.
"All of it," I answered truthfully, unsure of how I was supposed to proceed.
The silence stretched thin between us and I realized she was crying silently into her knees. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hold her but knew she would reject me if I made any move to comfort her. I wanted to assuage her fears but knew any plea on my behalf would fall on deaf ears. So I stood awkwardly in front of her, completely unsure of what my next move should be. How did she always manage to keep me so off-balance?
"Your imagination is a frightful place, Faith," I heard myself saying faintly.
"Now you know, I guess," she said in response.
"Know what, Faith?" she didn't seem able to respond. "About the child?" I prompted gently as I could. She nodded wordlessly. "I already knew."
"How? I was- I was so careful," she questioned.
"The signs were all there, I just had to piece them together," I said, still not daring to move.
The silence was killing me. "Well, get on with it," she said waspishly.
"Excuse me?"
"You obviously want something out of this meeting seeing as I've avoided it so long and since you know I will again, so just get on with it already. You're tiptoeing around me like it's going to spare my feelings. Just say whatever you have to say so I can leave and never have to deal with this again."
"What would you have me do, love?" I pleaded. "I don't know how to fix this."
"You can't," she snapped still refusing to look up at me.
I faltered. I walked over carefully and sat down next to her, though she refused to acknowledge my presence. "I ask again, Faith, what would you have me do? Shall I poke holes in this projection you're trying to fool me with? Shall I rile you further with the fact that you won't be able to have the child safely without my help? Do I deny that I would ever do such things to you when we both know that you have every reason to believe I would? Express how much fear it fills me with to have myself portrayed that way in your dream?"
She slowly sat up and let herself meet my gaze, as I continued to plead with her for direction. "Faith, do I tell you how much the prospect of a child thrills me? Do I try to comfort you, knowing full well you want to reject me at every turn? Do I push for more information about our child? Should I remind you that you acknowledge there to be good in me? Parts of me that you aren't afraid of? What would you have me do?"
She stared at me; for once she was the one at a loss for words. "I-" she stuttered, "I don't even know where to start!" she snapped looking at me with indignation.
"Now you know what it feels like every time I try to have a conversation with you," I said with a small smile. She frowned and looked back down at her knees. "So might I start with a question?" She nodded slightly. "Why did you try to keep this hidden from me?"
She moved to sit tailor style and then met my gaze again, "You think I was thrilled when I found out?" she asked with tears starting to pool in her eyes again, "I was – I am - scared to death and the last thing I wanted was to let you know."
"But why?"
"I had no idea how you would react. I never do."
Silence again. "What can I do to assuage your fears?" I asked finally. She was calming down and if I could get her to confide in me ever so slightly I knew I could at least carry out a conversation.
"What?"
"You have questions, doubts, worries. What answers can I provide?"
She was wary, but contemplated for a while before posing her first question, "What…is it? I mean- is it human? Or…" she trailed off unable to finish the thought.
I took her hand and stood, helping her up and guiding us to one of the sofas. "Technically, the child is a Dhamphir, a result of the union between a vampire and a mortal. In most cases they are in almost every way, human. They will partake of blood, though they don't usually crave or depend on it. They usually inherit some powers as well, though how powerful they are varies considerably."
"Will it be immortal?"
"It will become so eventually. They turn at a certain age and can become fledglings."
"Why is this happening so quickly?"
I smiled slightly at that, "You would think with so much life to live they would take their time," I teased gently, "but they're impatient little things. They usually develop in about six months, siphoning off whatever strength or power their mother has to offer. Unfortunately, as a consequence, they take quite a toll on their mothers. Which is why I'm so concerned about you."
"I'm fine," she said shortly.
"Are you, Faith? You aren't sleeping well and though you have a power unto yourself you do not have much available to the child. Which means it's feeding from your energy which you insist on expending in useless ways."
"Useless ways?" she asked somewhat offended but also confused.
"This illusion you constantly put up for one," I said gesturing at her.
She looked slightly taken aback but recovered quickly, "This is anything but useless."
"It's getting harder for you to hold isn't it," I stated with no hint of a question.
"You've known this the whole time?" she asked.
"You've flickered a few times, and especially now knowing that you're carrying my child it's even more obvious that you're hiding yourself. I congratulate you on the genius of hiding yourself behind yourself though. You're too clever for your own good sometimes, Faith. Why are you so convinced it's a necessary measure?"
She refused to answer; I continued in speculation. "You've changed haven't you. You're not the Faith Allison I know, in fact, you aren't Faith Allison at all. But by only showing yourself like this to me, you hope to keep me searching for a girl who no longer exists. Am I close?" She said nothing. "I will take that as a yes," I said as I gently lifted her chin to meet her eyes. "It is a useless endeavor if you are found out - and you are - and a complete waste of what little energy you have. All I have to do is distract you to the point that you can't focus on keeping this projection in place and it would all be for naught."
I saw the fear wash over her face and with my hand still under her chin I could feel her begin to shake slightly. "I'm not going to hurt you, love. But if this continues I will make it stop for your own good." I leaned forward slightly and planted a chaste kiss on her cheek and just as I had figured her form flickered ever so slightly. I drew back and let my hand drop knowing I'd made my point. I knew I was scaring her but I needed to get through to her. If she didn't drop the charade it would only continue to drain her.
"But back to how you are expending what little energy you have. You need to stop withholding everything from me."
"And I'm supposed to listen to this why." She retorted without much vigor.
"Faith-" I stopped short wondering if this was when I should truly drop the proverbial bombshell. I had already alluded to it earlier but she had been so overwhelmed that she seemed to have not registered it. She was going to lash out and call me a liar if I tried to tell her but if I didn't even warn her there was no chance whatsoever of her helping in my search.
"Faith you're not going to be able to have our child alone. I need you more than ever to tell me where you are."
"I will be perfectly capable of raising this child without you," she responded with more strength. I didn't miss how she addressed the baby either.
"Faith it's not a matter of raising, it's a matter of surviving childbirth itself."
"Women have done just that since the beginning of time, I think I will be okay."
"I don't know if you've recognized this yet, but yours is not a run of the mill human pregnancy. Bringing a Dhamphir into the world requires so much energy that even in fledglings it can strip them down to their life-force."
"What?"
"It requires so much that they not only expend their power and their energy but it can even eat into the very essence that keeps them alive."
"If this is a scare tactic to make me run back to you it's not going to work." She said with a calmness that told me the storm was definitely coming if I pushed her. Unfortunately, I was going to do exactly that.
"It is nothing of the sort and I think you know it."
"You will have no place in my life or the life of this child. Deal with it!" She bit back.
"This is the furthest thing from a selfish endeavor, my concern is only for you and our child!"
"NO, it wont be OUR child. And I'm not falling for whatever lie you try to feed me so that you can insinuate yourself into our lives!"
"I'm not lying!"
"If you think for a second that I-"
"FAITH, YOU WILL DIE," I finally shouted in her face, the confrontation suddenly very reminiscent of the one I'd had with her after Xavier's attempt.
"I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LET THIS CHILD BECOME ANYTHING LIKE YOU!" she lashed out, not backing down an inch. The other shoe had finally dropped and I was left utterly devastated for what seemed like the millionth time. Why did she have to plague me with her sharp tongue at every turn?
Sudden realization of what she'd said washed over her features and she shrank back visibly, obviously awaiting my wrath; waiting for me to make a reality what she'd just seen in her dream – and it broke me. I pulled away in pure emotional agony as her words echoed in my mind and I heard the stubborn resolution in every word. She meant every word of it, and she probably didn't even know until she had stated it; for though there was terror at my imminent reaction, there was also a fear in her face that was not directed at me but at herself. Suddenly, her nightmare and why it had taken such a drastic and disturbing turn made sense. She was afraid of me but she was even more afraid of the child becoming me. Of me corrupting it. Of me making it as much of a monster as I was to her. I let my head fall into my hands as I sat forward to lean my arms on my knees.
"I'm sorry I-I-" she began to stutter out in fear.
"Why are you apologizing?" I asked in defeat, not looking up.
"I didn't mean-"
"Faith, you meant every word of it, don't pretend to take it back now," I said tiredly, letting my arms fall limply, still leaning on my knees.
There was a tense silence before she finally responded, "I still shouldn't have said it."
"You said how you truly feel; I can't condemn you for that, I never could." The silence dragged on for what felt like a small eternity as I realized she had no response.
"I had no idea that you reviled me to the extent that you would throw away your own life if only to ensure that mine would never be filled with happiness." I said hoarsely, still barely able to wrap my head around it.
"I didn't either," she whispered meekly.
"But how…why, I can't-" I couldn't even form a question. Everything was wrong, so, so wrong.
She surprised me by responding, and I detected a distinct waver in her voice that said she was crying, "Well, what do you expect me to do, Eric? You've backed into a corner where I have no options for happiness anyways! You've clearly stated that you are not going to let me live my life without you in it, so what do you expect? What options do I have? Tell you where I am for the mere means of self-preservation, and live out my days with you fighting every step until you break me completely; all the while, you tear away this child from me so that it can be made just like you? Maybe instead you would have me beg your forgiveness, feigned as it would be, and fall into your arms pretending to love and adore you; all the while, I'm dying inside as you continue to use me as you wish, while I'm forced to comply with raising the child how you want? Or, instead, do I take my numbered days in freedom and let my final revenge be that if I cannot have my happiness, neither can you. Would that even be true? Or would I die just to have you find a new little obsession mere months later whom you treat in the same fashion?"
I sat up and saw that tears were falling freely as she finished her small diatribe. I was still shell-shocked, especially to have her viewpoint laid out so plainly, so hopelessly. If this was the only future she saw no wonder she was so willing to die. It was bleak at best, and it made my stomach turn to think of any of her conjecture made a reality.
While she may have acknowledged there was parts of me she didn't fear in our last meeting, it was clear from this one there were many parts she feared intensely, and her motherly instinct was already telling her to protect her child from them, even it meant never exposing them. It was so twisted that it actually made sense and I shuddered at the thought.
As I looked at my bride, my Faith, so beautiful but seeming so irreparably broken I began to truly doubt for the first time. Maybe there really was no fixing this. Maybe I was only destined to repeat my predecessors' mistakes. Maybe I'd damaged Faith beyond repair. But I was still resolute. I was going to do everything in my power to fix us. I was more determined than ever to make things right. But, to make it right, I still had to find her, something that could make things very wrong, especially if I had to resort to other methods. I'd promised the halfway room as a safe space, I would hate to renege on that. I could only hope to convince her to come back willingly, even if only for the sake of self-preservation. I chose my next words carefully.
"Faith, why would I put myself through this if I was able to move on so easily? I don't want anyone else, I can't have anyone else. You are my mate, by no choosing of my own but by destiny and fate. And though you would think that would make me indifferent, it does anything but. I love you, and want desperately for you to one-day love me in return; something I know is naught more than a pipe-dream at this point," I said trying to work through the last of what she'd stated.
I paused to collect my thoughts for my next response. "As for what I expect you to do, love, I only expect you to be the best mother you can to our child. Our child, Faith. Not mine." At this point, I moved in closer to her and took her hands in mine, surprised when she did not pull them away. I continued softly, occasionally attempting to search her gaze, which she kept pointedly fixed on her hands resting in mine, "What you overlook is that this child is not only me. It is just as much you. Your humanity, your love, your kind and enduring nature. You are just as much a part of this child as me. You fear the worst, yet you shouldn't. Any being with even a sliver of you could never turn out to be anything but beautiful in every way. You make me a better man; how much more so will you make our child when it is already so predisposed to your nature?" I let go of one of her hands to tuck a small strand of her hair back behind her ear, prompting her to finally let her gaze flicker up to meet mine as I finished. "I love every bit of you, Faith, and I would rather die than have anyone else be the mother of my children."
After another eternity of silence, I stood and gently pulled her with me, planting a small kiss on her forehead, causing another small flicker in her illusion, before tilting up her chin so she would meet my eyes. "I will go now, love. You've spent a very long time here and if you don't leave you won't get any sleep," I said, dropping her hands to turn and slowly pull away.
"Wait," she said quietly.
I froze and then turned back to face her, "Yes, Faith?"
She had a pleading look in her gaze as she met my eyes, "Why haven't you found me yet? I know full well that you could burst back into my mind and pry this information from me and you haven't. So why?"
"Because I can't."
Her eyes widened in utter shock. "What?" she barely whispered.
"I can't," I repeated with resignation. "I won't."
"But you have, you did, you-" she stammered trying to process my admission, and failing to wrap her head around it.
"Yes, but under very different circumstances. I can't access your mind, Faith, you've barred me completely, and though I have…" I paused, knowing I had to reference an unpleasant memory, "forced my way in before," I said delicately as possible, "to do so now would risk causing you irreparable damage."
"Damage?" she queried, "That's never seemed to stop you before," she said with a vein of rebuke.
"Damage of a different sort, love. It could cause a complete mental breakdown and a plethora of other awful things to invade in such a way again. You have to allow me in."
She stood before me with disbelief written across her face which slowly turned to confusion and quickly to suspicion. "But, you've just told me I have the upper hand? What are you pulling?"
"Nothing. You do hold almost every card in the deck right now. What few I have I will use but I am truly at a distinct disadvantage."
"But you can't- you wouldn't…" she tried to come to grips slowly.
I carefully walked back toward her, "I recall telling you at some point that you weren't powerless in our relationship." I said softly. I caught her hand before leaning in and pressing my lips to hers in a quick, chaste kiss causing her whole façade to disappear momentarily, still much to quickly for me to glean any new information. I didn't care at the moment, I just needed to get through to her. "Come back, Faith. Damnations, please, do not choose death over me," I pleaded.
She carefully pulled away from me. I let her, knowing I'd given her things to consider; she'd definitely given me my share.
I exited and returned to my own mind, and promptly awoke in my bed. A bed that was so empty without her. I sadly looked at her pillow and stuffed my face in it, as I had so many nights before, hoping to catch what little was left of her scent in it. And, as I laid there alone with my thoughts and the seeming dozens of lines Faith had etched into my mind forever, I heard her hopelessness and brokenness in every word and knew I was the cause of every bit of it. There was no redemption for me in her eyes and may never be. And, with those thoughts, for the first time in almost a century, I felt a tear slide down my face.
A/N: WOW. I don't think I've ever done a chapter completely in one POV (At least not a long one). It just never felt natural to switch back to Faith or to focus on anyone else. Plus, in the end, I think it's super necessary for Eric to have this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it. I really enjoyed writing this chapter for some reason, not that I hate writing the rest of them but this one just came a lot easier than most and ended up pretty good in my humble opinion. If you don't agree, oh well, I don't think it will happen very often seeing as it hasn't happened in the last however many chapters I've written. Love you guys! Reviews are my lifeblood, and I cherish each one I get! :) *wink* *nudge* *accidentally elbows you too hard* *apologizes profusely*