ISFNE Chapter 21

Eric POV

She survived. I cannot believe I'm writing these words but she is alive; all is not lost. Of course, I'm still not much nearer to finding her, but she and the child survived and that will content me for some time. My last meeting with her though has left me feeling somewhat hollow. My once bright and vivacious bride has seemingly disappeared altogether. She has been fading for sometime but it struck this time that though it started as merely a means of hiding for Faith Allison to not exist, it is now almost the truth. Faith seems to be gone and in her place is a jaded shell of a girl, full of bitterness and fear. And I am the cause. She pleads with me each time to leave her, to stop relentlessly searching, and I find my heart breaking at the fact that I cannot; I almost wish that I could. I may have saved her from death, but I find myself fearing that Faith has already died.

Simon POV

I walked into the apartment and hung up my jacket and keys, "Alright, let's get this over with," I called out, hearing the TV on and knowing they were all likely watching something together.

"Don't sound so excited!" Kyle called back, earning some chuckles from the others.

"I'm ecstatic," I grumbled as Kate came running in, red curls bouncing as she dragged me into the living room the TV now off with everyone gathered together, one of the chairs open, the hot seat. I was not looking forward to a second round of questions. Especially not with their new ideas and possible information from their visit.

"Well I might as well start with the obvious question of how your paths crossed," Chloe said, sounding nonchalant but looking positively thrilled with the current situation.

"Right to the point I see," I said, annoyed with the knowledge of how quickly everything was going to get misconstrued if we started from this point, I'd have to gloss over parts heavily and keep it dry as possible, probably leave a lot out. But then wouldn't it possibly get me in trouble with them later if they found out? How the heck would they find out? I was overthinking this. "She showed up on the doorstep of the bookstore and Grams took her in because she thought she was drunk. She didn't want her left on the streets in such a state seeing as it could get dangerous for her," I sighed, and carefully navigated the next part, "Unfortunately, she wasn't drunk, she was succumbing to hypothermia, something I recognized when I got there. Anyways, Grams and I helped her recover and I figured that was the end of it. But Grams had other ideas, especially when we found out she was pregnant." I wrapped it up, having told the bare bones.

"So that's what she meant," Chloe said, more to herself than out loud.

"What did she say?" I asked, immediately suspicious.

"That you and Gram's had saved her life," Chloe responded.

"That's a bit heavy handed," I said, trying to move away from the topic.

"So, what, she just lives at the bookstore now?" Grant interjected.

"Yeah, Grams put her in my old room, I crash on the couch if I'm there."

"So you're not going to enlighten us about anything that happened before this? Who is this girl?" Chloe asked pointedly.

"What do you mean?"
"Well you've oh-so-conveniently glossed over her being pregnant and on the streets, so maybe some explanation on those fronts?"

Chloe, always a little too observant. What was I supposed to say? The information I did have wasn't mine to give, but I needed to bring the interrogation to a close as soon as possible and that wouldn't happen if I brought up Allison's shrouded past. I could be fairly truthful and vague at the same time, but I couldn't appear like I was hiding information lest it start a new barrage of questions. "To be honest, Chloe, it's because I know about as much as you. There's plenty of conjecture that I have, but she's as private as they come. All I know is it was likely abuse, her trust has been betrayed too many times. She's got a lot of symptoms of PTSD, which is one of many reasons I'm keeping my distance."

"Ooh! Yes! Now we're getting somewhere!" Kate exclaimed. "We want the list; we know you have it! You always do."

"The list?"

"Of reasons why you're not in love with this girl, why it's a bad idea, what's wrong with her…all your excuses," she said with a grin.

"Good lord, guys, there's too many to name," I said in exasperation.

"Try," Chloe demanded.

"Why? Shouldn't you guys just trust my judgment on this matter? Have I ever not had logical reasoning?" I baited them.

Chloe was about to retort but Kyle quickly pulled her back and spoke instead, "That's exactly the problem, Si. You get too logical, Chlo and Kate get too caught up in emotions; we need to balance the two out. I want to be logical about this too, but I won't let you be solely ruled by your brain. Chlo and I met the girl, we like her a lot, but we know there's a lot we don't know, and we want you to fill that in so we can get a full picture."

"Pfft," I rolled my eyes slightly, "You guys are all just desperate to play matchmaker."

Chloe's face changed at that comment, she looked, almost sad, "Simon, we just don't want you to be blind to someone who could make you happy. Someone you obviously already care a great deal about. So come on, tell us why we're wrong. Let us see if we can give you some logic from our side as well."

I paused for a while, trying to decide whether to even take their bait or not. What the hell, it couldn't hurt. Besides, I did have plenty of reasons to shoot them down, and I could maybe say 'I told you so' at the end of it all. "She's too young for starters," I finally responded.

"How young?"

"She can't be more than eighteen."

"So you don't actually know?"

Dang it, that had been a slip up, luckily I had something to fall back on, "I told you, she's incredibly private. She's got newborn twins on her hands now, that doesn't leave much time for anything else in her life."

"You wouldn't be an addition, you're already around, you'd just be around more, and with twins I'm sure that could be appreciated," Grant pointed out.

"I don't even know her. Not when I really get down to it."

"Then you keep trying, she'll confide eventually, right?"

I was silent for a long time, before uttering my most devastating reason. "She's afraid of me."

I was met with silence. Long, painfully drawn out silence as they waited for me to elaborate.

"It's like I said, I think she had a traumatic relationship. I'm almost positive the twins resulted from her being raped. And it wasn't random, seeing as her trust is in shambles. She doesn't trust me; she perceives me as an imminent threat. It's like her every move is to try to stave me off. She freezes at the most innocuous of touches, she deflects any attempts to get closer to her, and she looks at me with such fear sometimes it makes me feel sick," I sighed, my voice becoming more resigned, "She's had moments of truly frightening intrusion and that worries me further that I could possibly bear a resemblance to her abuser. And even if by some miracle, she was to let me in, what if all I end up doing is harming her further? I mean, I would never do anything to her purposefully, but what if I earn her trust, only to lose it again? She has two kids to worry about and a life to build, and with all of these problems, what if I push my front to only end up breaking her further? I can't justify my selfish desire to know her when she so obviously does not return to feeling."

They all sat eyes wide, frozen somewhere between shock and distress. I stole a glance at Kate, there were tears in her eyes and she was gripping Grant's hand like a lifeline. Chloe's head bowed as she studied her hands, folded in her lap, Kyle's arm was around her, as he sat looking disturbed.

"Is that enough reason for you guys to understand why this is so bad?" I pleaded, all vitriol and sarcasm gone from my voice.

Grant finally spoke up after processing everything for a while, "Maybe instead of seeing it as a possibility to fail her, you should see it as a possibility to help her."

I was about to interject but he held up his hands in defense, "I know it's a complex and difficult situation, but you do care about her, right?"

"Is it not clear that I do?"

"I'm just saying you're seeing every way this goes wrong. But you aren't seeing how you can help her through these things. She perceives you as a threat, so you are able to show her that you aren't, that you will never cause her intentional harm. You gain her trust and you don't betray it. You help her fix her perceptions of men so she doesn't live in constant fear. You see all the ways you can hurt her; I see a great deal of opportunity to heal her. Even if only through friendship."

"Invite her to something, Simon, just tell her you want to introduce her to your friends. Even if you don't want to try for a relationship right now, or ever, make her part of the group. I can only imagine how lonely she gets," Chloe said, slipping her hand into Kyle's.

Marissa POV

Eric was more withdrawn than usual. He spent most of his days writing in the record what little he could, seeing as he'd caught up to present day. He seemed to have an almost defeated air about him that worried Max and me, so naturally I was tasked with ascertaining the problem. Eric had always had a soft spot for me seeing as I'd been one of his first subordinates. I had helped him in his quest for Elizabeth getting to play as his sister to keep her ignorant. I'd been wildly nervous at first, for though I'd always had no problem stating my opinions and holding my own, I was supposed to be acting familiar with the Dracula, my ultimate superior. But Eric had been assuring and kind and eventually coaxed me out of my blind deference to truly play to him as my brother. I smiled to myself as I remembered; maybe I'd taken to the role a bit too well, for I was sure that Eric sometimes wished I would hold my tongue and not treat him as my equal, but I also knew how much he valued it. He liked that I was willing to call him out on things and candidly offer my opinions as long as I always knew my place when the time was right. I had to know what had so recently affected him though. He'd been so happy and content for a while with the knowledge that Faith hadn't perished, but his mood had seemingly turned somber overnight.

I walked into his study silently, seeing him silently staring out the window, his and Elizabeth's record clutched in his hand behind his back. "Why are you torturing yourself, Eric? Why dwell and brood on the past?" I asked gently.

"Because I'm afraid that Faith is the past."

This confused me to no end, "Eric, we saved her, she's alive. And she's out there too! You'll see. Max is working on sorting through hospital records already. It's not going to be fast, but it's going to work."

"No, you misunderstand me, Marissa," he said with a heavy sigh bowing his head, still not turning, "it just feels so… pointless, searching for her."

"Eric, you know as well as I there is always anarchy brewing. She's not safe until she is yours. Especially with the rumors that are appearing of you having lost your bride. She is unlocked, she's still connected to you, and anyone could steal her away and use her against you. You know she's still a liability."

"A liability? If you want to put it in sterile unfeeling terms, yes, but…she is a girl," he said quietly.

"I don't understand, Eric. Rather, I understand but I'm confused as to your point," I said, absolutely baffled.

"Marissa, much as I like to ignore it she is not just my bride she is a person. She had a life, goals, and dreams that had nothing to do with me. She deserves happiness more than anyone and yet she is deprived of it because of me," he said turning to face me finally. "Was I delusional to think I would ever be able to give it to her?"

"Never. Hopeful and optimistic? Yes. Delusional though, no," I said going to him and holding his arm, "Eric, you tried to give her what you could in such a sort and pressured amount of time. You made hard decisions. Decisions she will hopefully one day understand."

"Decisions that have scarred her seemingly irreparably. She is not happy, Marissa. Even with her freedom, even as I've stopped communicating with her, she is just anxious and worried. I've condemned her in this world. Maybe not as overtly as she would be in the past, but she's an outcast. I've saddled her with so much responsibility that she shouldn't have to bear alone. She could be used to destroy me and she doesn't even know it; hell, she could probably do it herself if she had enough of a mind to. But why her? She doesn't deserve this pain. She's laid out how bleak her prospects are to me so many times. And I…" he clenched his fist, shrugging me off and walking toward the chairs, "I have to make one a reality. I have to make her unhappy."

"You can make this work, I know it. It's never going to be easy, but if you want her happiness so badly, and her happiness will bring you yours, it's worth all the pain."

"Is it worth it, Rissa? What if she never forgives me? What if she lets it fester for the rests of our miserable existences?" He asked, crumpling into the chair. "She pleaded with me to leave her alone almost every time I connected with her. She begged me to not search her out and it broke my heart to refuse her every time, to know that I can't even if I wanted to. What if I've only ruined her life in the same way I did Elizabeth's?"

I walked over and sat of the arm of the chair, "You didn't ruin Elizabeth's life, Xavier did. And you know what? He ruined Faith's life too. Sure you may have been the reason or the tool, but that doesn't make the blame fall completely on your shoulders. You did things you shouldn't have, but they were what you needed to do at these different times. You shielded your identity from Elizabeth, you took Faith by force, but they were what you had to do. You can't change what has happened, you can't change your circumstances, but you can make amends and make the best of them." I put my hand on his, prompting his to look at me, "Elizabeth loved you, I hold out hope that Faith can someday as well."

"I don't deserve her love, were she ever to give it."

"Do any of us deserve love, ever? We of all things should know what fallen people do," I said, squeezing his hand.

We sat like that for a while before Eric finally stood and, releasing my hand, kissed my forehead and put his hands on my shoulders. "Thank you, Marissa, I am always happy for your counsel."

"I'm always happy to give it," I said softly.

"I still wonder at it, you know. I believe I sometimes still think of you as my sister, Marissa."

"Anyone would be lucky to call you a brother, and I'm truly grateful you still allow me to have such familiarity with you. I liked the role of your younger sister."

"You and Elizabeth were thick as thieves, I confess I got jealous at times," he said with a smile. "Why is it you become so attached to my brides?"

"To torment you, of course," I said with a winning smile. "But honestly, I told you everything anyways, why is it you made me betray my friends?" I teased.

"You must believe that I always aimed to make them happy."

"I never doubted it, Eric, and I never will. You're going to win Faith over. It's not going to be easy or quick, but I truly believe you will."