ISFNE Chapter 30
Simon POV
I was blindsided as Allison's lips collided with mine, immediately wrapping my arms around her and kissing her right back with all I had. We parted, catching our breath, her forehead resting on mine. "That…was unexpected," I said.
She pulled back immediately, "I'm sorry, I just – ohmygosh I can't believe I was – I just –"
I let out a laugh at her rambling, "I said 'unexpected', not 'unwelcome'," I cut off any response by kissing her again deeply which she returned with equal fervor. She was straddling me at this point as I slowly rolled her next to me, kissing my way down down her neck as she gave a small mewl of appreciation. She was so beautiful, and she was kissing me, trusting me, caution thrown to the wind. I don't think I'd ever felt more in love. I slowed our momentum knowing how quickly this could turn to dangerous territory. I pulled back, but only slightly, too happy to have her pressed up against me to back away completely.
She was panting slightly but made no move to back away. She leaned in and kissed me once more and I could not help but respond. She was intoxicating. A whimper escaped her as I pulled away again, "I think we should get some sleep," I said breathlessly.
"I – but –" she still couldn't seem to string together a full sentence. I pushed her hair back behind her ear and leaned in to kiss her forehead.
"Do you truly want to continue down this road?" I asked, knowing I might kill the mood completely, but also aware that we had to keep our heads.
She blushed but didn't respond. I smiled and got up, separating from her completely to get some air.
Allison POV
I felt so free. Simon loved me, and I could love him back. I could trust him. I could rely on him. He understood and knew me. I was amazed at how drastic a turn this night had taken and suddenly realized how exhausted I felt from the flood of overwhelming emotions. But I felt…content.
Faith what is happening?
Which was apparently something I could never hold onto. What are you doing? You said you'd leave me alone, I bit back harshly.
Unless I had cause for concern, which I do. Your emotions have been running rampant. Are you in danger? He asked, surprisingly not sounding upset about my tone. No, he almost sounded…agitated.
No, I said shortly. Go away.
What exactly are you doing, Faith? You've had quite the mix of emotions. Some very passionate ones. I didn't respond. Shit shit shit, I hadn't had any sort of handle on my emotions the entire night.
It's none of your business what I do or feel. I'm in no danger so you have no more cause for concern, go away.
Eric POV
It had started out very small, a normal anxiety that Faith seemed to carry with her day to day. It flared every so often but now it continued to do so over and over until it became nothing short of terror. I was devoting all my attention to this now; what was going on? I tried to unravel the emotions I felt coming from Faith, a confusing bouquet to be certain. Fear was the overruling emotion but underneath it I continued to feel flares of hope, confusion, and what even felt like desire. It had escalated throughout the next hours as I tried to gleam from her thoughts as well but they went by too quickly to catch. Why was she so terrified?
I felt her continue on a rollercoaster, feeling her fear slowly get overtaken by the undercurrents at different points. She would fluctuate between hope and confusion underpinned by small pricks of desire until it took a drastic turn as I felt that desire overtake all her other emotions. The worry was still there underneath it, but I felt a completely new emotion enter: security. I froze. She couldn't be…Faith would never…not after what I'd done. I growled, I couldn't let her follow through with this if indeed my guess was correct. For her sake and my own. But, as always, she was recalcitrant.
Who has so suddenly gained your affections, love?
Eric, I swear to everything that is holy-
There is someone, isn't there? And you were, you are, willing to give yourself to him completely?
I felt her forcefully try to disconnect but I clung desperately to our thread, Please, don't do this, Faith. You don't want to do this. The repercussions –
YOU DON'T GET A SAY. THIS IS MY LIFE, ERIC, NOT YOURS. IT WILL NEVER BE YOURS, she shot back with everything in her and, taking advantage of my distraction, closed off my access to her. I desperately tried to reach out to her again. I'd really done it now; I'd made her volatile. I hadn't had a chance to explain why I had to stop her. If she gave herself to another now, our bond would be severed – and when I found her, it would have to be reestablished.
FAITH, I cried out in vain, FAITH, PLEASE HEAR ME.
Allison POV
I took out my contacts and did the best I could to comb my fingers through my hair and after settling in, I surprisingly slept soundly. I'd snuggled up to Simon in the bed due to the slight chill in the room and my lack of warm clothing. His shirt, still wrapped tightly around me, helped; my bare legs did not. A few hours must have passed but I woke up in the middle of the night the moonlight illuminating the room ever so slightly. I felt the niggling in the back of my mind that told me Eric was still trying to reach me. I was fuming, who did Eric think he was? This was my life. Who was he to continue having this hold on my body and my life? To tell me what I could and couldn't do. And suddenly my anger became clarity. That was his last hold over me, and if I changed that experience, maybe that would finally break my metaphorical chains. I could feel as though I was finally free.
I turned slowly and propped my head up, leaning on my elbow, looking at Simon sleeping next to me, worrying my necklace back and forth on its chain as I weighed my options. Would I scare him off completely? A part of me was still expecting him to turn away in the light of day. My tale was too strange; I frankly wouldn't blame him. But he'd stayed for now, and he seemed to truly feel for me. He'd been more than happy to return my kisses and initiate his own. I blushed thinking back a few hours, I was glad Simon had slowed us down then, I hadn't thought far enough ahead at that point, but did that mean he wouldn't go that far? Could I even go that far after what Eric had done to me? Did I want to? Would that only lead on Simon in something I would still find myself struggling with? What if I couldn't? What if –
"You're not sleeping," Simon whispered gently, interrupting my thought-spiral.
"No," I responded, not really knowing what else to say, somewhat embarrassed that he'd been awake. "Did I wake you up?"
"I'm convinced your feet are actually sculpted from ice," he deadpanned. I pulled my feet away with a quick apology, not realizing that I'd moved them when I'd turned over but he teasingly took his own feet and pulled them back, "It's no use, I'm already awake," he said with a laugh. "Now, why are you staring at me like that? Did I say or do something in my sleep I need to be ashamed of?"
"No, no, it's nothing," I said quickly feeling my face heat as I snuggled back down under the quilt.
"Nothing?" he repeated questioningly.
"Mhmm," I said.
"Oh no no no," he said sitting up, "I know enough to know that 'nothing' is always something. So what is it?"
"I-I was…thinking and…and…uurgh nope it's too much," I said before burying myself under the quilt completely in embarrassment.
"Alice?" he asked in bewilderment.
"Go back to sleep!" I squeaked.
"Alice," he said laughing, as he wrestled the sheets from my grasp pulling them back to around my waist exposing me to the slightly chilled air. "When we said no hiding tonight, I didn't think I'd have to mean it literally," he said, still grinning, very much awake now.
"Give those back! It's chilly in here!" I whined but was unable to keep myself from smiling.
"I will if you tell me what's wrong," he bargained, turning on the bedside lamp.
"I never said anything was wrong, so nothing!"
"I guess you wont be needing these tonight then," he said in a sing-song sort of voice pulling the sheets further back.
I froze realizing that my skirt was probably covering nothing currently, bunched up around my waist. "Simon, this is serious!" I said, grabbing the sheets back and smoothing my skirt down as subtly as possible.
"All the more reason for you to tell me," he reasoned, barely suppressing a grin.
I sat up, and contemplated once more. Yes, if Simon was willing so was I. But how to even go about such a question…
"He was trying to contact me; I was so caught up in everything I forgot to shield my emotions from him," I finally started awkwardly. "And I really should have been more careful because I think he's upset now."
"Emotions?" Simon couldn't seem to help asking in surprise. "What kind of…" he trailed off in realization, "is he…jealous?" he asked in a bit of disbelief.
"Well what do you think? He's possessive and manipulative!" I burst out, no longer whispering, worry coloring my tone. Simon looked almost awed. "Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked in a small voice.
"He's jealous of me," he said with a smile, "which is a great thought to consider when I know it's all tied to the things you were feeling with me, no, about me tonight."
I blushed, looking down at the sheets in my lap, "Well, anyways, it just…got me thinking about a lot of things."
"Such as?" he prompted.
I was silent, feeling so incredibly awkward about what I wanted to ask, but knowing if I wanted to, now was my best chance.
Simon POV
She was acting so strange, speaking very deliberately yet vaguely, as if trying to get at something but not knowing if she should. I couldn't understand. She'd finally let her walls down and suddenly there was a new guardedness to her. It was a different kind of fear, it didn't seem to be at me or my actions, the thing that set it apart from her previous state, but she seemed to be treading carefully.
She was fidgeting with the sheets, crumpling them in her hands, eyes pointedly fixed on her lap. "I…well… I don't know how to do or say any of this, Simon," she said in frustration, biting her lip. "I should just go back to sleep," she said, moving to turn away but I quickly reached out and caught her shoulder.
"Try me," I challenged, "What could it be that's so much more difficult than everything else you've said?"
She hesitated visibly and turned back to face me, still avoiding my eyes. "I don't know how frank I can be with you…I'm worried about … fallout."
"You will not lose me if that's what you're getting at," I assured her quietly.
There was a drawn-out silence, as I waited for her. She finally peered up at me and spoke, her words slow and meandering at first, but spiraling quickly as she went on.
"Eric knew my feelings for you, he could feel there was…more than just affection and he was, of course, upset. After all, he seems to view me as his possession, how dare I have any desire for someone other than him. It just made me think on that night and how he still has this…this hold on me; you know? He's the only one I've ever had sex with and it wasn't of my volition and I can't stand that. I just…I was maybe thinking the only way I may ever truly feel free of him is to move past that. To erase his presence. Maybe… I can move on completely if there is nothing of mine that's his alone."
She paused looking fearful, her words tumbling out faster as she spiraled, "And I don't know if I should even be saying this to you because I don't know if I can follow through, I mean, you've seen the way I react to touch and I don't want to lead you on, and our relationship is nowhere near this sort of level of intimacy if this even is a relationship, which I'm also unsure of, and I don't even know if you like me that way and if you don't this is really awkward now that I've bared my soul to you twice, and I don't know if you even want to and I don't blame you at all if you can't or think this is insane and now I feel like I'm making absolutely no sense and ohmygosh I'mGoingToJustStopTalkingNow."
I was absolutely dumbstruck as I stared agape at the beautiful woman in front of me who was cringing slightly in anticipation of my response, but it wouldn't come. Of all the things I'd expected her to tell me or ask me, this was definitely the last. She would have me. The loveliest person I knew was willing to trust me with her entire being if I would only react.
It must have been a distinctly delayed response, she retreated quickly from her momentary boldness, "Please, just…pretend this never happened, I'm going to just go ahead and die of embarrassment," she said about to pull the covers up and turn away from me. Thankfully, I was able to finally do something. I stayed her hand and leaned in to press my lips to hers once again, kissing her with a new fervor, and feeling amazed as she shyly responded. I pulled her in closer, rolling her to lay on my chest. However, there was one more thing I had to do before I could give in.
"I told you I wanted whatever you were willing to give, but I unfortunately am so awkwardly put into the position of not knowing the name of the beautiful girl I'm with. Something I believe should be rectified," I said kissing her again.
It was such a simple question I expected a small show of finally giving over her name. I did not foresee her freezing at the question and pulling back from me, "I'm Allison. That's all I'll ever be."
I brushed her hair back from her face, admiring for the first time that her contacts were missing and her eyes shone a lovely shade of violet. She, for once, leaned into my touch as I let my hand linger on her cheek. "But who are you truly? I feel as though you are at the same time my most intimate friend and a complete stranger."
She slid off of me looking troubled as we both sat up. "I don't understand; why do you feel my name would fix that?"
"Because it would finally tell me who you are."
"But that's not who I am! That girl is behind me and I don't want to be her anymore. Eric ruined that girl's life but he didn't ruin Allison's. You didn't fall in love with her, you fell in love with Allison!" she said in distress.
"You aren't separate people," I said gently. "Your past is a part of you. You are Allison Freedman just as much as you are your true name; without your past you wouldn't be who you are today. You are your experiences. Whatever your name is, she is always a part of you. And I truly want to know every part of you."
She looked so torn, she seemed to collapse in on herself as she continued, "What if – what if I can't follow through as her? What if her – my – name carries too many painful memories?" she said, shrinking back from her words.
"We work through them together; I will not be anything but honored, even if it comes to nothing," I said clasping her hands between mine.
She continued to waver, her eyes refusing to meet mine. I carefully pressed on, "You want to be free of your past shackles? Then you can't let him hold back your name from you either. This name belongs to you. It's a part of you," I said cupping her cheek and stroking my thumb across it gently.
She was silent, her hand going to her throat as she worried her necklace back and forth, a habit I'd seen many times before. She glanced up apprehensively to meet my steady gaze, a silent plea for her trust. She finally smiled slightly and ducked away with a blush, "You know, I wasn't ever really lying. My name is Allison, it's just not my first name."
"And what would that be?" I asked moving in closer to her.
"Faith," she finally relented, looking up into my eyes. "Faith Elaine Allison."
"Faith," I breathed. "I think you maybe be the most beautiful human being I've ever encountered."
She shivered slightly, it seemed to be from equal parts of uneasiness and arousal, "It feels so strange hearing that name from you."
"Then I shall have to say it more," I said, pulling her in once again so she was in my lap, "Faith Elaine Allison, I am so enamored with you," I said kissing her once again. It was slower this time, especially knowing that she was possibly prone to an episode of intrusion. I parted from her once more. "You will tell me immediately when anything makes you uncomfortable and we will halt, I don't care when or what it is, tonight is only about you. Do nothing on my account."
She nodded and slowly shrugged off my shirt, "Then I guess you don't need this returned," she said with a smile holding it slightly out of my reach.
"On the contrary," I said, leaning forward to grab it from her hand, "I believe you still owe me your shirt," I teased.
"Then by all means, I would hate to be in your debt," she said breathily as I let my hands slide down to rest at her hips. I gave a tug at the fabric and slipped my fingers under the hem letting them encircle her waist, untucking her cami along the way. Meeting her eyes once again for confirmation I slipped my hands under to lift it over her head and arms which she held up obligingly.
Casting off the article carelessly, I took in the new sight afforded me and saw her blush furiously as I, for once, let my gaze linger on every new inch of skin. Of course, I had technically seen it before but under markedly different circumstances. This time I was allowed to look and couldn't help but comment on what was staring me in the face.
"I haven't been able to get these out of my head since the Christmas party," my hands skimming the sides of her bra and swell of her breasts.
She let out a small gasp, "Simon! You were peeking? I thought you were a gentleman!"
I grinned unapologetically, "Exactly. Gentlemen only peek, a pervert would ogle or stare. Besides," I continued to tease, "Your dress did so well accentuating them, I was merely admiring its handiwork."
"Well, consider them the only perk of pregnancy. I'll be back to a flat board in no time," she said, I could hear the undercurrent of insecurity in her tone.
"Faith," I said cupping her face, "you are lovely. You will never be anything less than beautiful in every way."
She kissed me again with abandon and quickly pulled my undershirt up over my head kissing down to my chest. I let out a groan of approval and found her bra clasp, quickly releasing it and pushing her gently back against the headboard so I could appreciate her more completely. This was about her after all.
Her legs spread and wrapped around me, her skirt bunching at her hips. I let my hands run up her thighs, under her skirt, finding only the thin layer of her underwear underneath. I let my thumb apply a bit of pressure to her center and she shuddered as a small moan escaped her lips. I repeated the motion with more force, her response also increasing. She began to pant and I gave her a second to catch up. She bowed her head against mine, "I-I need, a second," she said.
"What would you have me do?" I asked quietly, immediately stopping, worried I'd gone too far too quickly.
"I just need a second, it will pass," she said.
"It's me, Faith, say my name," I instructed gently, my hands coming up to rest at her waist.
"S-Simon," She said, sounding somewhat unsure.
"I'm here, Alice," I replied kissing her chastely and bringing my hand to her cheek making sure not to push her, throwing in her nickname to bring her back. Her violet eyes caught the light as she looked at me with a small smile.
"Simon." she said with more conviction, "I'm okay," she said.
"We should stop." I said with concern. She shook her head emphatically as she disentangled herself from me and shimmied out of her remaining clothes. "Are you certain?" I asked. She settled herself up against me as she kissed me again with renewed passion. I was powerless to do anything but respond and stare at her in awe as she pulled away for the last time.
"I've never been more sure."
Eric POV
Pain. Excruciating, unbearable pain. I tried to hold on, to send out a final plea to Faith but I was losing her. My head was pounding and I wondered somewhere in the recesses of my mind if this was what I'd put her through during our bonding while she had been fighting against our connection. It felt like my head was splitting, like a part of me was being ripped out. I was fighting to retain our bond but it was useless I could feel it stretching thin, pulling away and painfully extracting itself from every part of my mind I'd attached to it.
Faith, I pleaded, tears leaking out of my eyes, the pain, physically and emotionally too much to handle. And then I felt it break and snap back painfully like a rubber band bringing with it a small flash of images: an empty bottle, a flannel shirt, and the blurred face of a man. This all happened in an instant before darkness descended and I passed out cold, my connection with Faith completely destroyed and my final plea swallowed in nothingness.