The Grief That Will Never Leave
A few weeks after Zero Requiem, Suzaku breaks down. He just— snaps.
He didn't know why. He really had no clue. But one moment he was okay, and the next, he was not. Or maybe, if he was honest with himself. Truly honest; he had not been okay for a very long time. Maybe. Well, perhaps...
The emotion just came out of nowhere, slamming into him, sweeping him away and taking him under.
And then he was gasping like he was actually drowning. Tears welling and overflowing, stinging on their way down. It hurt. It burned.
It...
Pain. Blood. There had been so, so much blood. Red, hot and sticky, and—
His hands— he would never be able to get them clean again. No matter how much soap he used. No matter if he scrubbed till they ached— till they were raw.
No matter what he did; he could not stop seeing it—sensing it;
The color that had coated them.
Fingers grasped the forefront of his t-shirt, nails digging into the material, bruising his flesh beneath. It hurt. It hurt it hurt it hurt. Why wouldn't it stop aching? And why... why could he not stop thinking?
The weight on his shoulder. The hushed words. His own hands holding the sword. The cold and stainless steel; it had pierced through like it had been nothing. Soundlessly. Smoothly.
He nearly gagged.
Suddenly there was another pair of hands placed over his, gently pulling them away from his now damaged flesh. He sobbed out a breath and looked up through the distortion of his tears at the person in front of him.
A pair of concerned violet eyes met his.
He felt his face heat up with embarrassment. And he turned away, biting his lip so hard it drew blood, leaving behind a metallic aftertaste.
That taste. It was sickening.
"Suzaku..." His name was said softly. Caringly.
"No." He sniffed, scrubbing a hand down his face, maybe a little too rough. "I'm sorry, Nunnally. I—it's—" And Suzaku swallowed. He couldn't look at the petite girl before him. She should not be here comforting him. No. He was the one who should— He suddenly felt soft fingers touching his cheek, forcing him to face the girl in front of him, forcing him to leave his thoughts behind. "It's okay, Suzaku, it's going to be alright." She looked at him in earnest and then smiled. A small smile—a rueful smile. But it was one.
"You should rest, you are tired, aren't you?"
Well, he was tired—exhausted. He felt actually like sleeping for the next ten days or so.
However—
"When was the last time you had a good night's rest? You've been running around these last few weeks. You must be worn out."
Well, he was. He truly was. And yet—
"Please, take your time to rest properly."
Yet it was impossible to sleep.
His mind, it would not stop replaying the imagines. Over and over and over again. At night. When it was dark. Dark and quiet.
Although perhaps— this was part of his punishment. The suffering. The misery.
(And who was he kidding. His hands— they had not been clean since he was little— since that one day long, long ago.)
(It would never be enough.)
(It...)
"I can't."
The words, rough and low, escaped him before he knew it, his brain slowly catching up to his mouth.
And she watched him closely. A worried expression on her delicate face.
He opened his mouth again.
"I can not sleep."
A moment of solitude passed between them before Nunally caught his hand again. Her palm warm and comfortable against his own.
He shivered.
"Then I will stay here with you. Until you fall asleep."
His eyes snapped back up and met hers once more.
"Eh?"
She once again gave him a soft smile.
'I will stay here with you. Till the nightmares fade away.'
'Is that okay? Suzaku.'
I wrote another angsty Code Geass fic.
All the mistakes are mine.