3.

After another fifteen hour day of getting nothing accomplished, of feeling Even and Ansem silently seething at one another… Ienzo walked. He needed some peace, some time to decompress. Perhaps he should take up meditating. He did so miss Zexion's ability to simply push away negative thoughts.

Negative emotion is natural. Then why can't you deal with it, Even?

It might have been years since he lived at this castle, but the muscle memory was intense; he took himself to one of his favorite childhood haunts without quite realizing. The crystal greenhouse had been abandoned and emptied even when he was a boy, forgotten in staff changeovers by the groundskeepers. When he needed to escape the others' wittering over him, easier to come here than to hide in the library, because there they knew to find him. At one point he'd had it rather nicely tricked out, squirreling away blankets and pillows, favorite storybooks, the odd toy he'd found or been given. Just to sit in silence for a time might be enough.

But when he got there, to his surprise and indignation, someone was already there. A faint flush of rage brought the blood to his face. An enormous castle and my one space is desecrated. I suppose this is karma, isn't it? Out of curiosity, or, he figured, apprehension, he took a few more steps towards the shed, trying to keep his tread light. (Ienzo was also much clumsier than Zexion. This made absolutely no sense to him-perhaps a defect in the inner ear post recompletion?)

It clicked, and he wasn't sure if his irritation worsened or lessened. He could hear the soft, light, unique sound of Demyx's sitar.

Some force seemed determined to shunt them into the same room. Why? And was it worth investigating?

He knocked on the closed crystal door. It needed a good cleaning, like everything else here. He couldn't see clearly, just Demyx's shape, the way he started a little at the unexpected intrusion. "It's Ienzo," he said. Always weird to hear that name, to say it. "Sorry to frighten you."

Demyx stood and opened the door. He seemed loath to meet Ienzo's eyes, his energy immediately and noticeably lower than it usually was. "How'd you find me?"

"Believe it or not-this used to be my childhood hideout."

He considered this. "All that stuff was yours, then," he said. He laughed a little. "Figured it was some gardener's kid."

"Out of curiosity-what did you do with it?"

He shrugged. "A lot of the books were waterlogged, the blankets and stuff moldy or eaten by bugs and stuff. I had to toss it. I'd say come in-but this is more your space than mine, right?" He turned away from Ienzo, settling back down onto a tasseled cushion. Arpeggio sat idly, nakedly, between them. He rested his hands on his knees.

Ienzo took it all in slowly. Demyx had left some things here too; a succulent, a lantern, a few books of staff paper, some more cushions, a threadbare rug covering the cold stone floor. He realized that he must have been coming here for some time.

"Sit down, if you want," he said, in that same tired voice. "Might as well, if you came all the way over."

Ienzo did so. The cushion was lumpy, but his feet were glad for the relief. "Why here?" he asked. "Out of all the places you could go? I'm… curious." Ienzo noticed his eyes for the first time; namely, that they were red, damp, a bit swollen.

"Well… mostly, to find somewhere I could practice in peace," he said. "Dilan told me off. Said he could hear me through the walls-the guy must have the best hearing alive. The stone is so thick. Anyway, I… started looking. Not much of anything better to do, and… exploring this place gave me something to look forward to. I saw this place, the stuff. So I sat down. Turns out crystal has pretty good acoustics. Listen." He reached over and plucked one open string; Ienzo heard the sound ring cleanly in the small space. "And that was that. You could… have it back."

He shook his head. "That's not necessary. Why am I entitled to things after a long absence?"

Demyx shrugged.

He was almost loath to ask it, but then he thought of what Kairi said over their tea. "Are you… alright? You don't seem yourself."

"Kinda too tired to put on the happy-go-lucky act. Sorry."

This only confirmed Ienzo's suspicions. "So it's an act. All of it?"

Demyx looked vaguely caught. "I guess… some of it must be me, for it to have been here so long. But lately things have gotten… harder. For no reason." He wrinkled his nose. "Finding that energy to be who I was is… a lot. Especially after a long day of work."

"Who are you now?"

A smirk. "I could say the same. If this happened this months ago, me in your space, you would have dropped some very choice dry insults and tattled on me to Saïx or Xemnas. Now you're just sitting here talking to me."

Ienzo felt something unraveling. Demyx knew all too well his identity crisis. Unlike Even, or Dilan, or Aeleus, they didn't have the benefit of being alive until adulthood prior to becoming Nobodies. Demyx's tenure might have been less than half of his, his misdeeds not nearly as egregious, but he could still relate. "Being Ienzo… is…" He didn't want to get personal, but the words threatened like vomit.

"Being a person is a fucking nightmare," Demyx said simply.

He actually laughed-not a chuckle, but a hard laugh. "Right you are."

He smiled a little, the dullness retreating just a touch. "My feelings seem too big for my body," he admitted. "At least I still have Arpeggio, so I can try and play them. But I'm not used to being a wreck."

"What is it you feel?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"I really want to know. I wonder if our experiences might be… similar."

He let out a long breath. "Honestly? I'm mad. I'm so angry."

The last thing Ienzo expected. "At whom?"

He spread his hands. "Myself, mostly."

Despite himself, he was fascinated. This was the first time he'd had any insight into Demyx's mind-and it was a vastly different place than he'd expected. "Why?"

"Why-" He took a deep breath. "Any-any number of reasons, okay? Like. First of all, why did I just-do what I was told, in the Organization?"

"When you weren't slacking off, you mean," Ienzo said.

"You know what I mean," he continued. "Why did I let him convince me to do all those awful things? Why didn't I care? I could've just run away, and I… didn't. That guy. All the shit he did, and he just gets to up and die without paying for any of it." His voice rose and fell as he spoke.

"I'm mad at myself too," Ienzo said softly.

"Looks like we actually have something in common," Demyx said dryly.

"I… suppose we do." He shifted his weight a little.

"And it's just like… now what? I'm here. I'm alive. Does that mean anything? Is this just the fucking chaos of the universe?"

"I know I seek to… pay for what I did, as you so put it." How odd he felt, confessing this. "I need to help people, however I can."

"Is that what you want to do?"

Another question that threatened to gut him. "What I want doesn't matter."

He cocked his head. "Why not?"

"Well, frankly, after all the people I indirectly killed, seeking pleasure or fulfillment is completely mastubatory."

He raised an eyebrow. "So being miserable all your life is going to make up for that? Thought you were smarter, Zo."

Ienzo scowled. "As if you would understand the depravity."

He flushed. "Why wouldn't I? I made worlds fall too, you know. They don't all become Heartless. And the ones that came back, were reborn, are going to be dealing with PTSD out the ass forever. Being miserable is like pissing on their graves."

"So what, we live for them?"

"Sure as hell don't make it all be in vain."

"And how do you propose we do that?"

"I don't know. I don't know, okay? I'm still trying to figure out how not to cry at complete random."

There was a tension in here too, elastic. Ienzo felt oddly exposed; vulnerable, he realized. They were both breathing hard, but he suspected they weren't angry at each other.

"I can't-understand all these highfalutin ideas you all spit out. I only know that for whatever reason I'm alive, so I'm going to live as hard as I can." He dropped his eyes. "And if I can do good stuff, then all the better."

"...I see your vocabulary has improved since you've been here."

Demyx shrugged. "Got to. For survival."

"If it… helps," he said, "I know the restoration committee is always looking for extra pairs of hands. You're already familiar in the town, given your work. That's as good an inroads to helping people as any. Should my trials with Sora ever end… I may decide to follow suit. I'm educated. The least I could do is put that to use." Should he survive the process.

They were both deflated now, exhausted. Demyx nodded once. Then, after a long moment, "Do you ever think about what we missed?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Our lives. What they might have been like without the Organization."

"A masochistic thought experiment."

"Maybe, but…" He bit his lip. "It's also part of why I'm so mad. We could've just been guys. Had friends, gone to school, the whole nine yards. Hell, maybe we could've really been friends."

Ienzo raised an eyebrow. "I… am not sure if I can withstand thinking about it." It was a naked admission, one that made him feel that way.

Demyx canted his head again. "Oh? Why not?"

"It would mean writing off the majority of my life."

He considered this. "How long were you a Nobody?"

He chuckled a little, darkly. "Twelve years."

Demyx was quiet for a beat. Then, "Holy shit. Wait, wait, wait." He spread his hands. "That means you were-when you became-you were eight?"

"...Congratulations. You can do basic math."

"How? I mean-well I guess I know how, but-" He seemed genuinely shocked. "Who would do that to a fucking kid? And-what happened to make you so strong willed?"

Ienzo bristled. He'd clearly said too much. Yet at the same time, this validation was… sweet? So why was he feeling moisture in his eyes?

"Didn't the apprentices… willingly cast off hearts, or whatever?"

"I didn't."

He pursed his lips. "Oh," he said, very softly. "Oh, Ienzo. I'm so…"

The lump in his throat tightened. "I don't want your pity."

"I don't pity you. I'm angry at how royally fucked over you were. First Ansem… now this…"

He tried to blink it back. The last thing he expected was a conversation with Demyx to unravel him so. Didn't expect him to listen , much less care. It was something he'd put off dealing with for too long-and now it was coming at him, ready or not.

This was going to hurt.

Ienzo felt oddly paralyzed, fixed to the spot. He should have gotten up, hid himself away, before this breakdown began in earnest. It was like all his energy was devoted to trying to hold it back, especially after such a long, long, frustrating day. He wanted to ask Demyx to leave him, let him make a disgrace of himself in peace. But the only noise that left him was a sob.

"Ienzo…"

Humiliation and pain washed through in in equal portions. He pressed his face against his hands. The tears seemed almost involuntary.

"It hurts more if you fight it," Demyx said softly. "Believe me. Been there, done that."

This, if anything, only broke him further. Such a bizarre thing, to fall apart so heavily and completely, shards of himself twisting painfully within. Guilt, anger, self-loathing, and sadness; emotions long staved off. He could no longer tread the tide and was pulled rather abruptly under.

Ienzo felt a hand on his back, the touch unexpected but not unwelcome. It felt so odd to cry, more than his panic-induced tears. Like he was not quite in his body but all too embodied. He found himself relying on the presence of Demyx's hand, clinging to that tenuous connection. The boy rubbed smooth circles in an attempt to soothe him.

He wasn't sure how long it took for it to stop. All he knew was that he had a rather awful sinus headache, and he was empty, weirdly numb, but the numbness was not as desirable as he'd thought. "I'm sorry," he said. He sounded terrible, and the humiliation invaded. It would've felt bad enough to have this happen on his own, much less in front of anyone else, much less Demyx. "This is mortifying."

"It's okay," he said. "All things considered I think you earned a good cry." He handed him a handkerchief. "Here."

At least it was clean, Ienzo noted. He patted at his raw eyes. He was feeling dizzy again. "Please do not mention this again."

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

Shakily, Ienzo locked eyes with him. "I suppose now you know truly how much of a disaster I am."

He pursed his lips. "What do you think I was doing before you came here? We're all a goddamn mess, Zo."

"I guess that is true."

Demyx stood and offered Ienzo his hands. They were rough to the touch, callused and work-hardened. Against his own soft skin, it was somewhat disquieting to hold, though why? He certainly hadn't felt that way when Riku touched him. Perhaps he was just feeling unacceptably raw. Demyx helped him to his feet, made Arpeggio vanish. "Let's get some sleep," he said.

And Ienzo did sleep that night, though not so well, jerked awake by odd memories of the time before-walking towards Ansem's quarters, a large tome in his arms, Xehanort holding one of his hands. The discordance between the taste of ice cream and darkness in the basement lab. People screaming, begging for help, or mercy. Part of him had shut down, true, but part of him felt pleasure at making them this way- "transforming" them for the sake of "the greater good." Was it the positive attention he'd received, seeking the replace the love he'd lost from his parents, from the disappearance of Ansem? Was he simply evil to the core?

Ienzo sat up, nausea curdling his stomach. Very slowly, he went over to the bathroom, knelt over the toilet, and pulled back his hair. By the time he'd finished getting sick he feared he was dissociating, the world seeming a bit vague, a bit mottled, as though he were looking through a veil. He bumped into things, dropped his papers everywhere.

You don't deserve to fall apart. Get it together. Kairi needs your help.

"...Ienzo?"

His head snapped up. Aeleus was in his guard uniform, ready to begin an endless round. "Aeleus," he said in what he hoped was a neutral voice. "Good day."

"You're off to work, then?"

"Yes. As are you." He stood, flinching at a crick in his back. Ienzo was fairly sure he felt less bitter towards Aeleus than the rest-even in the Organization days, the man had tried to protect him. Ienzo had no idea how involved Aeleus was in the plot to dispose of Ansem. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know. "I hope you are well?"

"Enough, I suppose. Physically healthy. That's all I can ask for." The man's face was so stoic. Did he feel as Ienzo did, all of these overwhelming emotions? He almost wanted to ask. At least, until Aeleus added, "You, on the other hand, look positively green. Are you ill?"

"Perhaps it is this poor lighting?" Ienzo suggested.

Something flickered in his blue eyes. "You mustn't work if you're unwell," he said. "Always a bad habit of yours."

Ienzo did not feel a swell of indignation, as he thought, but rather something like teariness. This man betrayed you, he made himself think. "Is it not curious how much poorer the human body is?" he said instead. "Some longed for humanity… to me it feels something like a great weakness. I wonder if you agree."

Aeleus considered this. "It's as though… I've lost parts of myself, but yet also gained parts of myself, if that makes sense."

He sighed. "Well, on a literal level, you have."

"I'm aware of the… uniqueness of your situation."

He chuckled. "Interesting word choice."

Aeleus cracked the slightest, smallest smile. Ienzo found himself missing their easy rapport, the way Aeleus never drove him into crazy spirals of thought as the others often did. He listened, he considered, he said what he meant. "You will come back from this, and be better than ever," Aeleus said. "Unlike the rest of us… you have your entire life."

"You're merely middle aged-not old."

"I find it… difficult, to grow."

He was startled into honesty. "I… do as well."

"This is our burden to bear… so to speak. At least we are all here, doing good things, and we have time."

Did they? The longer Ienzo spent faffing about, the farther Sora could be slipping away… into darkness, perhaps, a darkness partially of his own creation-

(Basement screams, bodies dissolving-)

Ienzo heaved, and while he was not ill, the reaction was indeed very visible.

Aeleus took him by the elbow. "You need to get back to bed."

"I'll be fine-"

"Perhaps you can convince Even and Ansem with such faffery, but I won't stand for it. Come." He was significantly stronger than Ienzo; he could not fight the grip.

Ienzo knew he himself was not a small man, but compared to Aeleus he felt again a child. He shuddered, blinking back the sting of humiliation. "What do you propose I say, then?"

"That you are sick and cannot work."

Ienzo shook his head wearily. Which was worse; riding this out, or telling Aeleus he was not-physically, at least-ill? Each seemed equally emasculating.

Aeleus brought him back to his bedroom. "Change into something comfortable and lay down. I'll bring you something to settle your stomach."

Why did he listen? What would Aeleus do if Ienzo disobeyed him? The man had never raised a finger towards him, nor his voice; if Ienzo didn't do as he said, he'd likely only be disappointed.

How odd, to wear pajamas so late into the morning. He perched on the lip of his bed and rested his cheek on his knee. Before long, the door opened, and he was handed a mug which smelled of ginger. "I've made you late," Ienzo said.

"Dilan can handle it, I think."

He was shaking. Why? Was he truly ill, or was this yet more bizarre emotion?

Aeleus took off his glove and rested a large palm against Ienzo's forehead. "You are quite warm," he said, with a shake of the head. "Please tell me you won't run off the moment I turn my back."

He'd been planning on it, but instead he said, "Perhaps I will… work from here?"

He sighed heavily. "A compromise is better than nothing, I guess."

Ienzo sipped the tea. It warmed him, soothed the anxious ache in his breast. "You needn't stop for me," he said. "Thank you."

The barest flicker of a smile. "You may be grown now… but everyone needs to be cared for sometime. It is human."

"Is it?" He said, to himself.

A nod. "Quite. Get some rest. I'll check on you."

Ienzo drank down the rest of the tea. How odd, to be cared for. He bit his lip. He took out his tablet, with the intent to provide remote support… but found himself drifting.

The hand on his forehead was cold this time, not warm, and he started. "Sorry, child."

Ienzo blinked disjointedly, his vision blurry. "Even? What are you doing here?"

He cocked his head. "You're sick and I'm a doctor. I thought you'd understand as much."

He ignored the barb. "Kairi-"

"Is well and asleep. Ansem is working with her now. The fool is coding something again." A sigh. "Your temperature is back to normal. Must've been one of those short-term bugs."

Or intense anxiety , Ienzo thought, well aware that the symptoms were the same. "I see… I must apologize."

"Had you come down you could've given it to all of us- including the girl. How do you feel now?"

He tried to curl his lips around the expected "fine" but instead said, "a little woozy."

"Could be dehydration. Or low blood sugar. Is your stomach settled enough to eat?" His tone lacked the stubbornness, the roughness Ienzo was used to from Vexen. Like that flicker of compassion he'd seen before. "Maybe some rice?"

"...Maybe…"

Even squeezed his shoulder gently. "It's alright, Ienzo. To be human… is to sometimes be ill." He sighed, then wrinkled his nose. "I've no doubt Demyx carried it in with him, and this place is a veritable vacuum."

"In an odd way… this is nostalgic."

He cocked his head. "You were of quite a delicate countenance, I admit. Though we never did teach you to take adequate care of yourself. Our bodies are not mere vessels-having been one, I can say it's a highly unpleasant experience." He sneered.

Ienzo instead looked at the buttons of Even's jacket when he said, "do you ever miss it?"

"What? That nightmare we got out of?"

He nodded.

"I'd like to be actualized enough to say… of course not." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yet… the challenges of this new life… are not to be underestimated. Are we not fools, if we do not rise up?" A tired sigh. "I do believe Ansem's waffling is getting to me. This is science-not philosophy."

"Perhaps a heart is one and the same," Ienzo mumbled. "It is more nebulous than we can ever hope to understand with logic." Perhaps, then, with the intangible, with magic.

He chuckled; an odd, staccato sound, rarely heard. "Yes, but should I give up now, I'd be turning my back on close to thirty years of my career-and I'm loath to do so."

Ienzo smiled. This was the first easy (in a manner of speaking) interaction he'd had with Even in weeks.

"What of you?"

He frowned. "You mean do I miss it?"

"Too sensitive a question?"

Ienzo rolled onto his back to look at the ceiling. "I miss the feeling of… stability, of concrete drive," he said slowly. "Mostly the stability. I'm not sure if… well, I'm not sure if it were merely me, but… you know… All of that anxiety I had as a child… the trauma that came from my parents' passing… it was gone. I could merely… be."

Even put a hand to his chin. "That is very interesting… perhaps Nobodies' minds not only reject the idea of a conscience, but also mental illness." A pause, then. "Do you feel anxious now?"

Ienzo wanted to raise his hackles and snap or deflect. But he'd already opened himself this much. "Almost pathologically so," he admitted. "I find it difficult to sleep as well."

Something in Even shifted, away from the personal and more towards the clinical. "How often have you been feeling this way? Does it ever escalate into attacks?"

He exhaled. This was why he hadn't said anything earlier; he didn't want to get into it. "It is quite constant," he said in a low voice. "Though I only ever panic when I wake from a nightmare."

"Unfortunately nightmares are to be expected, all we've gone through." A heavy sigh. "I'm hoping that… perhaps once you are used to humanity again, the anxiety will lessen. But you did have it quite intensely as a child. It may be… something to brace yourself for."

Ienzo's stomach was feeling sour again.

"I could give you medication," he said. "Something to help metabolize all that excess stress. Is that something you want?"

He was plunged again into his ever-present well of shame. "A sign I simply can't take the strain? The… weight of my own humanity?"

Even scowled. "Don't be dramatic, boy," he said. From "Ienzo, child" to "boy," he thought. "You were a Nobody twelve years-you can't simply switch back and expect there to be no repercussions. Why be needlessly in pain?"

Ienzo bit his lip.

"A stupid way to repent, if I do say so myself. Suffering… " He scoffed. "Suffering now will not negate what happened, Ienzo."

Demyx had said much the same thing. And these two were such opposite personalities. Perhaps that meant they were right?

Even squeezed his hand. The touch was unexpected. "I won't make the decision for you, Ienzo, but please consider it. A lack of anxiety may give you a clearer head. May make it easier for you to… not only work, but live. It's purely medical. "

As if Even had ever been the expert in psychology. "...Quite."

He shook his head; he knew the conversation was over. "I'll bring you some rice."