Ch. 2 The Vision

EPOV

As I stared into the purple haze of smoke which swirled around me and rose up into the sky, I couldn't help but feel disappointed at the quick return to emptiness to which my mind retreated. Although I was long past expectation to feel...to feel. That's it. I couldn't feel. Even this emotion that my mind wanted to identify as disappointment was nothing but a hollow stand-in for the real thing.

My reason for being, my self, my purpose to this never ending existence was gone, and I had no one to blame but myself. I had thought that if I could catch Victoria, end her, that I could find some way to exist that didn't threaten to suffocate me into a new never-ending, numbness, but instead I found myself laying here beside the remainder of what was Victoria feeling nothing. The task finally complete, but there was no triumph or even a bit of indifference. There was nothing—a void—without her, my love, my life, my purpose for existence. I couldn't bring myself to even think her name.

I had chased after Victoria all over the world for this past year motivated by the idea that if I could stop her, if I could end her, I could somehow feel worthy of my love.

I had done the only thing I could do to save her from this dark existence. I had left her. I had lied to her, and I would do it again a hundred times if it meant that she could remain a light away from the darkness of my world. I would not destroy her light. I would not bring her into the dark that way.

So here I laid on the ground beside a smoking mound of Victoria's remains, staring into the purple haze searching for motivation, anything really to force myself to move, to continue this pointless, numb existence. Eventually the smoke dissipated, and my nostrils no longer burned from the rescindment of its saccharine scent.

"You could just go to her, you know. She would take you back."

If I could feel anything, it might have been shock since I hadn't even heard her mind approaching, but as it was, my head didn't even shift toward the tiny, raven-haired pixie I knew I would see there.

"Edward! This is stupid! Get up. You're so deep into your self-loathing that I can't even see you clearly anymore. I barely caught a glimpse to know where to find you." Alice continued on but I was barely registering what she was saying. I was focusing on the face which encompassed my thoughts, my love. "Who was that?" I heard Alice's sharp inhale of air through her nose, and the even deeper intake of breath from recognition before she hissed, "Victoria." Then silence. Perhaps she left. I couldn't make myself move to see, or even reach out from myself to use any of my other senses. There was nothing. I was nothing.

After a while I grew vaguely aware that the Earth was moving beneath me. Someone was moving me. Somewhere in my logical mind I knew I should feel fear or even confusion, at the very least, but there was again nothing, nothing without my reason for existing. I could not have her, therefore I could not be.

Time ceases to mean much after the change. Days turn into nights, nights into days. What used to be a clear and concise difference between the two separated by the blessing of sleep becomes a blurred forward motion denoted only by the urge to search for your next prey. That was how I had existed before her. Days bleeding into nights, nights into days, hunt after hunt.

After knowing love, true, unadulterated, innocent, perfect love, I could never go back to any semblance of what I was before her. It is said that time heals most wounds, but what does that mean for a creature made of stone like myself? If you drilled a hole into a rock, could you ever really compact that dust back into its original form to restore even a shadow of the stone's prior strength? Yet, even with its holes, the rock continues to be. This is where I found myself. A stone with holes which could never be filled, a shadow of the creature I once was, and I was resigned to remain this way so long as I knew my love was safe, only to find a way to leave this hellish world once she had as well.

After Alice dragged me back to be with my family it took months for them to even put a crack in the defensive walls of emptiness I had developed to guard myself from the pain. Even after another half a year of my self-imposed solitude, I had starved myself to the point that I was so physically weak and my body in such a desperate state that Emmett and Jasper were finally able—after my months of refusal—to carry me into the forest surrounding my family home and force an elk into my bite.

Despite my unwillingness to strengthen myself even a bit, once the first drop of blood reached my throat, my damned unchangeable nature betrayed my conscious determination, forcing me to continue to drain the animal of its life until I was strong enough to walk again and refuse to drink more, but still weak enough that I could not escape my brothers' hold on me. They continued this cycle of forcing me to drink whenever I grew weak enough that I could no longer fight them. Over and over, week after week. I just wanted to be left alone.

So here we were again, in the forest, me barricaded to the ground by Emmett's unbreakable hold while Jasper forced an elk to my nearly fossilized lips. It had been 3 years, 1 month, 6 days, 16 hours, 52 minutes, and 8, 9, 10, 11...seconds since I had spoken those blasphemous words to my love, the words that truly ended any reason I had to exist. Yet, the wounds were still as open and fresh as the moment the lies had escaped my tongue.

Her beautiful face drifted through my mind for the thousandth time today. Her large chocolate irises bored into my memory, captivating my every bit of concentration.

"My love..." I moaned, as I remained on the ground and curled to my side wishing for the ability to produce tears for all that I had lost, had stupidly given up out of necessity for her safety. I ignored my brothers and remained silent despite their attempts to engage me as they dragged me back to our Alaskan home. The selfish monster in me thought, 'you could go find her,' but my logical, protective self squashed the thought as soon as it invaded my mind. I couldn't find her. I had to let her live. She was better off without me.

Day in and day out these conflicting parts of myself argued their sides like those silly cartoons with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The biggest problem with that analogy, though, was that there was nothing angelic about me. Both sides of my psyche were damned. Only my love had been able to awaken some goodness in me with all the goodness and pureness that made up her beautiful soul. Now without any of her pureness with me, I was surely damned.

All my thoughts always returned to her. Every second of every day, every moment of forever would be with her on my mind. This newest trail of thought seemed to drill another hole into my stone heart. I cried out a deafening moan to try to release some of the agony I felt.

After several hours spent sobbing without tears, I finally calmed and quieted in a semi-numb state. I could never truly be numb as a vampire, but I was able to reallocate the pain that I felt to the back of my mind, much like I had been able to desensitize myself to the scent of my love before. I stared out a window into the snow-covered forest. I couldn't find it in myself to care where I was. I assumed I was still in the house where my brothers had deposited me.

'Son.' Carlisle's thoughts penetrated my mind even in it's numbed state. I didn't acknowledge his approach or thoughts. He sighed and walked away. I continued to stare out the window and count the days, hours, minutes, and seconds since I had seen my love—3 years, 1 month, 7 days, 4 hours, 48 minutes, and 26, 27, 28, 29 seconds...

After a while, more thoughts drifted up to me. This was what I hated about satiating my thirst. With strength, came the more frequent intrusions into my mind, stealing space that should be reserved only for thoughts of her, my love. "Love..." I groaned into the floor, gripping the bottom of a chair so hard that it nearly disintegrated in my hand.

'Dude needs to just go get her...the hell?'

'So selfish...getting tired of waiting for him to get over it...'

'...poor thing...heartbroken...'

'My responsibility...have to fix this...my son...'

In that moment, my numbness broke, and I felt monumentally guilty for what I was doing to my family. This is exactly why I had left them, so they wouldn't need to witness my undoing. I knew I would never recover or even be able to exist neutrally after knowing and leaving her. I knew it and was willing to suffer if it meant that she was safe, but they shouldn't have to watch while it happened. I was further disgusted by myself and forced the thoughts from my consciousness again, and returned to silently worshipping my love...

3 years, 1 month, 18 days, 13 hours, 27 minutes, and 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18—

"EDWARD!" Alice shrieked.

Alice? ALICE! Suddenly, my mind was pulled to alertness. Without conscious effort, my defensive predatory instincts took over and I was positioned into an awkward—due to my weakened, unfed state—crouch. My eyes scanned my surroundings fruitlessly. I inhaled deeply, but there was nothing but the dust in the air and remnants of the scent of my family from when they had come to check on me last. I listened both with my ears and mind searching for anything that could possibly elicit such a reaction from my sister.

'Edward, I saw her! Bella!'

I instantly recoiled from the name, the sound of it drilled a million tiny holes into my dead heart. My family members knew better than to think of her around me. It had been months since anyone had slipped, and I overheard the name. I hissed in reaction to her thoughts, but couldn't bring myself to ignore what she said. She saw her? My love?

I told Alice not to look for her future, but the selfish monster in me was desperate for a chance to see her again in any way he could.

'Oh shut it. I didn't search for her. It just came to me!' She shielded her vision from me, but I could hear her coming up the stairs to where I still remained crouched.

My muscles relaxed instantly, silently cursing the little nymph for her dramatic outburst, but I couldn't deny the excitement I felt at a chance to once more see the only reason I existed. My love...

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