CHAPTER THREE
The next day, for Tobias to get help, and a vehicle to transport his few belongings, he only had to contact Johanna, and Christina, at the redeployment office where she works. The transfer is scheduled for the following day.
He has an appointment with Donna, the director of the orphanage. When he enters the building, she greets him with a smile.
"I'm glad to see you, Tobias, come on in. I made coffee, real coffee. Do you like it?"
"Real coffee? I don't know. Yes, please."
She guides her guest to the rest room, which contains a table, a few chairs, and a kettle. Everywhere, colorful drawings brighten up entire stretches of the walls. Other walls are decorated with works by adult artists: paintings, hangings, and creations that all bear witness to the dawn of hope and the rebirth of the city.
Donna gives Tobias a cup and pours water over the coffee. Immediately, a warm fragrant scent spreads through the room.
"Did you know that we use the smell of coffee to soothe people who suffer from stress?" remarks the director.
"No." he replies with a smile, "Is it effective?"
"Yes, really, the smell of coffee is relaxing. It delights the senses in the morning, and we even use it on babies who have trouble calming down. They don't drink it, of course, but even the smell works miracles!"
"I'll give this natural therapy a try!" Tobias agrees, smiling. He sips the drink, and pronounces his verdict: "It's truly delicious! Better than the chicory we called 'coffee', which was all we had until now!"
"I'm glad you like it! So, Tobias, I hope you've come to tell me that you've reconsidered my offer?" Donna asks, sipping her hot drink.
Quietly, the ex-Dauntless inhales the fragrant steam rising gracefully from his cup. Coffee has been readily available in Chicago for several months, as self-sufficiency has faded from grace, even though it still remains the main means of subsistence. But many citizens have not yet tasted coffee, as change comes slowly to homes focused on their newfound freedom and on rebuilding family groups torn apart by the faction system, which has now been abolished.
"If you'll have me. My mother needs her independence, and it's time for me to cut the cord again." says Tobias.
"And you, what do you need?"
"To drive out my demons, I suppose," murmurs the young man as if to himself, his gaze lost in the depths of his cup.
Then, staring at the director again, he adds with an apologetic smile:
"I also need a quiet space to myself, for work. Johanna wants me to be full of Abnegation with my fellow citizens, yet remain Dauntless in my personal life. What can I do in exchange for this welcome?"
"That won't be difficult: we have so many needs in various fields, and you know how to do so many things. Computer help, and even sports coaching for children, I'm sure."
"That can easily be arranged," says Tobias, gratefully.
"The kids will love you!" marvels Donna, her hands clasped together.
"I love kids too. When I sought refuge at the Amity farm, I had a lot of spending time with them. Their communicative joie de vivre was a breath of fresh air for all of us," answers Tobias, with a hint of nostalgia in his voice.
"They will bring you the same happiness today. I think you need them, my dear boy, as much as they need you as a guide and model."
Tobias smiles modestly at her.
"I don't have much stuff. I'll bring it along tomorrow. However, I will also need some computer equipment. I'll work here part of the time."
"This is your home, so you can do as you please."
They then spend a few minutes discussing building security rules, access codes, and daily life. Then the young man says goodbye and leaves, without being at all certain of having made the right choice, or of being able to do what he has promised. But if Tris had taught him anything to remember and learn from every day, it's that you must never give up, and even if you start from scratch, you can work miracles with persistence, kindness, and... daring.
The following evening, Christina has roped in a colleague, and Johanna sends a former Amity member, in her car. They turn up at Tobias' house on the east side of the river. In a few minutes, his meager belongings -clothes, some professional equipment, and his precious blue glass trinket, his waterfall- are loaded.
Evelyn hugs her son. Tobias, with his hands at his mother's waist, accepts the embrace, places a kiss on her cheek, and says to her with a smile:
"See you soon, I'm not going far."
"You'll let me know?"
"Yes, as soon as I've moved in, I'll call you by video, and you can come round to see me, if you want. And if you need anything, just say so."
"Thanks. Tobias, I love you so much," she murmurs as she lets go of her son.
The young man smiles at her. He had never really managed to accept these declarations of maternal love. The first person he remembers expressing love to him was Tris. These words have become, and have remained her property, her privilege. As he promised himself, he has set aside the old resentment against his mother, and the things that kept them apart. Accepting her return, being close to her, were already giant steps for him. Some wounds refuse to heal.
He grabs the last two bags of clothes, packed and ready to go, and leaves the apartment, with more relief than he would have thought. One more step has just been taken on the road to healing: this time, he is not being abandoned; it is he who leaves, without hatred, without violence, and without regret.
In the orphanage, his few crates loaded on a trolley, Tobias guides his friends to his new apartment. He opens the door and immediately smells the fragrant scent of coffee. He smiles, Donna has come by with hot coffee to greet him.
"It's as miserable as you are, here!" exclaims Christina, entering her friend's apartment, with her usual brutal honesty.
"Ever the diplomat," retorts her former instructor, smiling.
"Well just look around you: white on the walls, black on you, just like Candor!"
"I just got here; give me time," laughs Tobias. "Here's something blue to start with," he says, putting his favorite trinket on the table.
"Great, it looks like an amusement park now!" comments Christina, sarcastically.
In two steps, the athletic young man grabs her, and tosses her over his shoulder. The young black woman screams with laughter, hammering his back with her fists. So the young man throws the pretty brunette onto the big bed as easily as he would have blown away a wisp of straw. Breathless, Christina laughs until she chokes.
"Who are you?" she giggles. "What have you done with my undead friend?"
"I'm not undead." retorts Tobias, glaring at his friend.
She really has the gift of making him lose his cool.
"Ah! He's back again!" she insists, in a sardonic voice.
"You are impossible!" shouts Tobias.
Christina laughs, and Tobias cannot stay serious. In a way, he is grateful to the sparkling former Dauntless; she is full of life, an example to follow. After all, she too has suffered and mourned.
Two round trips later, the computer equipment provided by Johanna is set up on a long console under the windows.
"Can we help you connect all this?" asks Christina.
"No, thanks. It will keep me busy tonight. Come on, I'll show you around the orphanage and introduce you to Donna, the manager. If you come to visit me, you will have to show your credentials, for security requirements."
The small cheerful group goes through the building again under the astonished eyes of a few elderly people who are not used to all this noise. Some children, attracted by the bustle, come running to join them. The director is waiting for them in the entrance hall; she has heard them coming from afar...
The thundering assembly follows her into her office. Everyone is attracted to the multicolored drawings on the back wall, and of course by the portrait of Beatrice, on the wall next to the window. Tobias remains standing in front of the desk, avoiding looking to his left, chatting aimlessly with the director. Christina nudges him in the ribs.
"What?" he says, pushing her away.
"Don't play the innocent with me." says Christina.
"Leave me alone, Christina, please." growls Tobias.
"Healing doesn't take the same amount of time for everyone, you know." says Donna, smiling. "I have made a note that you are going to draw all the young people here, and I am delighted. I've told the kids about sport, and they can't wait."
"What are you going to do?" asks Christina.
"Host some sports activities for the people here," explains the new resident of the complex.
"Great, I'll come here to train; we get rusty behind a desk!" says Christina with enthusiasm.
"It is a good idea to open this place to all; it will allow us to get more help, and hope that the Bureau may even give us a bigger grant," muses the director aloud.
"Come on," shouts Tobias to his companions, "we've made enough mess in the office, we're going out."
The troop greets Donna, making their way through the group of kids who have gathered in front of the door, driven by curiosity, and heading for the exit. At the door, Tobias thanks his friends for their help, and pretends to tidy up so as not to join them for an outing. He has a war to fight against his memories, alone.
The young man returns to his apartment and sits on the bed, leaning forward, forearms resting on his knees. He is troubled. Each glance lands on a piece of furniture, which is more than furniture: each piece is a memory. Almost all of them take him back to Tris. He has not opened the door to the next room. But he has made his first choice: to accept the memories rather than flee them, by moving here where the accessories from his Dauntless past have been installed.
In order not to brood over somber ideas, he starts to install all his computer equipment. The immensity of networks and possibilities offers him a way out, an escape route to outside, the breathing space that no longer exists within him. Computing is his antidepressant. It can turns his thoughts from past to future. But here, even the computer seems poisoned to him: a mixture of past and future that he's not sure how to manage. It remains to be determined whether he will be able to open the videos that Caleb has been sending him for a month and a half, on the unprecedented birth and early life of Beatrice's cloned twin sister.