A/N: Anyways, time for Sirius and Remus to work out some of their feelings. Remember people, this is a slow burn. Anyways, enjoy!
Sirius knows this tentative peace will only last until Harri's tucked up in bed, but as he watches Moony fry up some toast, every part of his body aches. His fists clench and unclench, throat blocking and unblocking like it doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Honestly, he's surprised Moony didn't kill him right then and there. He would've. Of course, that would've frightened the absolute shit out of Harri, and Moony was right, she does need to be their top priority right now. Sirius has failed James enough already.
"Once she's done eating," Moony says in a deadly whisper. "You're going tell me exactly what you did, then I'm going to decide what punishment even comes close to making up for what you did."
"Harri first, then—" he cuts off as the water cuts off, and Harri comes back into the room. She's handling everything much better than he thought she might, the James in her coming out in full force. Sirius can't believe she stamped on Moony's foot, but it makes complete sense. James' fatal flaw was loyalty; it only makes sense that it's Harri's as well.
Harri eats ravenously, and Sirius watches guiltily. He might be used to a meal a day, but small children are not. Even ones that have been treated as horribly as Harri has. A ghost of a smiles finds its way onto his face as she lights up over the smallest display of magic.
Moony settles her in for the night, casts a muffliato on the door, then rushes him full force. Padfoot's instincts take over entirely, and suddenly they're both struggling for dominance, but Moony's still powerful from the full moon and Sirius is still weak, so he ends up sprawled on the ground, Moony's wand held at a deadly angle against his throat.
"Explain before I kill you myself," Remus snarls. Padfoot submits, a soft whine slipping past his teeth.
"I wasn't the secret keeper," Sirius gasps against the tight hand on his throat. "I made James change secret keepers last minute."
"You're lying," Remus says, slamming Sirius against the floor with enough force to have him seeing stars. "The truth, now."
"I swear on Harri," he wheezes, which is apparently the wrong thing to say because Remus thrashes him soundly again.
"Don't you dare say her name!"
"Moony," Sirius gasps. "Please."
Suddenly, the pressure's gone and Remus is sitting a few feet away from him, breathing hard and clutching both his and Sirius's wand. He feels naked without it, on edge, but he's going to do whatever Moony needs to feel safe right now. It's the absolute least he can do.
"What do you mean, you weren't the secret keeper?" he asks after a particularly tense minute.
"It's still my fault that James and Lily are dead, but I didn't sell them out," Sirius says. "Three weeks before Halloween, right when you went away to do whatever the fuck was so important—"
"Dumbledore gave me a job!"
"Listen! You left, and I… I got it in my head that the traitor might've been you," Sirius admits. Shame courses heavily through him. "I convinced James it would be best if we changed secret keepers. He was pissed as shit, but he did it finally. Kept insisting it wasn't you though." This is important for Remus to know, for him to realize that the only person who should be punished was Sirius.
"Then who did you change it to?" Remus asks, grimacing like he's waiting for Sirius to conform his worst fear.
"Peter," he says. "Wormtail fucking sold him out like James was nothing to him, like he hadn't spent nine years being his best mate."
For a moment, both Sirius and Remus fume, so filled with anger that it threatens to overwhelm them. Shame, anger, and guilt pulse so clearly inside Sirius that it very nearly drowns out the crushing grief he carries. Nearly.
"Peter," Remus chokes out. "I thought he was dead. I thought you killed him. I send cards to his mum every fucking year."
"She's got nothing to do with this," Sirius says. "Of course, she didn't know."
"He… he framed you," Remus says slowly. "You fought him and blew up a muggle street. You killed thirteen muggles and he cut off his finger—"
"I never killed anyone!" Sirius snaps, teeth bared. Padfoot urges him to strike, to show Moony who was boss, but Sirius forces that urge back. "We fought, but he blew up the street. He knew they'd blame me. We were unregistered, so it wasn't like I could tell the aurors he was a rat."
"Fuck," Remus mumbles. He blinks rapidly and breaths hard, and some buried part of Sirius knows he's about to cry, knows he should hurry over and wrap his arms around him, mumble stupid jokes in his ear until he smiles. But he doesn't have any jokes, just anger that runs so deep that it threatens to cleave him in two.
"Fuck," Sirius echoes. They both sit, trying to get ahold of himself. If Harri woke up now, they'd scare the shit out of her. Harri. He needs to focus on Harri. Slowly the anger recedes a little, enough for Sirius to breathe easily.
"Don't suppose you could prove it to me, could you?" Remus says, toying with Sirius's wand.
"Have any veritaserum?" Sirius asks, smiling wanly. Remus scoffs, pulling himself up. He offers Sirius a hand.
There was a moment, when Sirius was maybe fourteen or fifteen, where everything about Moony lit up every goddamn nerve he had. The strong set of his shoulders to the delicate skin of his throat. His hands were always so warm.
Now, Sirius quickly catalogues the feeling of Remus's hand in his, taking note of the callouses, and most importantly, the chill.
"You've not been taking care of yourself," Sirius says, reluctantly letting go of Remus's hand. Remus scoffs again, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"Look who's talking," he quips. "Finally, the outside reflects the madness within."
"You'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you?" The words are right, something they might've said to each other so long ago, but Sirius is not that boy anymore. He's wrong and twisted, that inherently bad part of himself breaking free of its shell and taking hold of him, force him to suspect someone he loved of betrayal.
Silently, Remus pour a cup of tea and slides it to Sirius, a thoughtful frown on his face. Without having to be told, he dumps a generous shot of firewhiskey in it. Sirius downs the little cup in one go, relishing the burn in his throat.
"In a few days, maybe tomorrow even, they're going to announce you broke out of Azkaban, and when they realize Harri's gone missing, all hell's going to break loose."
"I know," Sirius mumbles. "I didn't actually have a plan—"
"When have you ever?"
"I just knew I was innocent, and when they put that thing in the paper about Harri, I just…"
"I know," Remus murmurs. "We're fucked."
"We?" Sirius won't get his hopes up, he doesn't deserve to.
"You're here, aren't you?" Remus says simply, like that solves it.
"This will be the first place they check," Sirius says miserably. "I've fucked it all up for you."
"I think you'll find I really don't need help ruining my own life," Remus says, sounding lightly amused. Sirius gives him a frantic look, heart beginning to race.
"They'll arrest you," he says, panic mounting. "You won't last, Remus, I swear to you—"
"Shut up," Remus tells him firmly. "I just need to think."
"This isn't some stupid prank you can talk our way out of!" Sirius barks, agitated. "Harri, oh fuck, they'll send her straight back to Lily's sister."
"You said something before, about how they treated her," Remus says. "What do you mean?"
"You remember how Lils and her sister felt about each other," Sirius laughs derisively. "They were horrible, yelling at her, pinching her, starving her—"
"Starving her! What do you mean?"
"I mean just that! When I saw her, she was on punishment for trouble at school and she wasn't to have any meals. I couldn't leave her," Sirius explains.
"She can't go back," Remus decides, hackles raised. "I'll… write to Dumbledore and maybe—"
"And how will you explain Harri finding you in the first place? It's not like she knew anything about us. She didn't even know that magic existed until this morning." Sirius toy with the teacup, trying to calm himself. He would not be going back to Azkaban, he wouldn't survive it.
James—
He would not let James down again.
"We can't do this ourselves," Remus says, twisting his fingers around each other. "What about school?"
"We've got years until she has to be in school," Sirius says. "We need to figure out where we can be without being found."
"Sirius, muggles are very strict about school," Remus tells him sharply. "Eventually, someone will notice she's not in. At best we have a few weeks."
"Petunia and her husband can deal with that," he says just as sharply. The muggles will blame them and if they're lucky, this won't be traced back to them at all.
"What about Hogwarts? Even if we do hide out, we can't run forever," Remus counters.
"Fine! What the fuck do you suggest we do, then?" Sirius snarls.
"Just.. just let me figure it out," he says, deflating a bit. Sirius swallows, guilt thick and cloying in his throat. "For now, we need rest. Let me have the futon, and Padfoot can sleep near the fire."
Sirius doesn't protest, turning and settling on the rug next to the fireplace. Remus lights it to a low flame, just enough to keep them warm throughout the night. Sirius decides to overlook the fact that he still hasn't gotten his wand back.
Remus can't stop looking at him, at the both of them. Harri is so big, all of her soft baby fat melted away to sharp angles and skinny limbs. He barely gets a wink of sleep, alternating between pretending to read and checking that Harri's still there.
The next morning, he's decidedly miserable, stumbling into the kitchenette to make some coffee. The kettle's on and he's about to obliterate the beans into grounds before he realizes he's still got Sirius's wand.
They all used to trade wands all the time in school, swapping them for whole class periods just to see if they could, or if anyone would notice. Sirius's wand had worked best for James, but it used to oblige him well enough. He's about to try it before he realizes.
The trace.
One, Harri's got the trace, and while adults doing magic around children won't set it off, she definitely will if she gets ahold of either of their wands.
Two, prisoners have trace's reactivated as well, and if they haven't destroyed Sirius's wand, there's no way they can do magic on it without setting it off.
"Do you need some help?" Remus jumps at the voice, whirling around to find Harri standing in the doorway, positively shaking in her thin, oversized housedress. Her hair's an absolute mess, and for a minute, she's James, alive and whole and here to make things better. He blinks and she's Harri again. He has to take care of her.
"Are you cold?" he asks, not bothering to wait for answer before he fetches one of his older jumpers and a pair of socks.
"Thank you," she says, pulling them on hurriedly. The fire had died sometime last night and Remus just hadn't been present enough to reignite it.
"Tea?" he asks her, already pulling a cup down.
"Can I do anything to help?" she asks politely. There's something about her tone that strikes Remus as not quite right. It's almost like she's afraid. Then again, there are quite a few things for her to be afraid of.
"That's alright," he says. "Toast again? I'm afraid I really don't have much else. The shopping sort of… slipped my mind."
"That's alright," Harri says agreeably. "I love toast and you make it really good."
"That's how your mum used to eat it," he says, thinking back to the little house in Godric's Hollow. "She'd fry it up in butter like that."
"Were you really friends with mum and dad?" Harri asks, taking a sip of her tea. Remus hopes it milky enough because he's really not too sure if little children are supposed to have tea.
"We went to school together," Remus says, sitting next to her with his coffee. "At Hogwarts."
"The magic school?" Harri asks. He nods, unable to help but smile at her. "What will I have to do to get a place there? I can't do any magic."
"You've already got a place," Remus assures her. "And as for the magic? You'd be surprised."
"Morning," Sirius croaks, shaking his head like a dog. "Sleep alright, Harri?"
"Fine, thanks," she says. "Will they teach me how to turn into a dog at magic school?"
"Hogwarts," Remus corrects absently. "Probably not. It's very difficult and you have register with the ministry for it."
"Can you do it too?" she asks, looking up at him with wide, awe-filled eyes. It's very nearly painful to look at her but he can't stop. He's missed so much of her life.
"Not quite," he says. "Listen, I have to get to work, but I'll see if I can get off early. Just… sit tight."
With that, Remus rushes through getting ready while Sirius digs through his pantry. Hopefully they'll find something to tide them over until he can go shopping later tonight. Just as he's about to leave, he finds Harri in front of his bookshelf, just looking.
"I wasn't going to touch," she says hurriedly when she notices him.
"It's alright," he assures her. "I don't have many childrens' books, but I have one or two you might enjoy. Maybe Sirius—er, Padfoot can help you with the words."
"Really?" she asks excitedly. Remus grins, plucking out a muggle series that Lily had gifted him about ten years back.
"Maybe you'll like it," he says. "See you soon."
"Bring back food!" Sirius reminds him.
"See you!" Harri calls as he heads out.
Thankfully, all he has to do is look a bit pitiful—which isn't very difficult—and pout a bit for Dot to let him off, assuring she can manage without him. It definitely doesn't hurt to smile charmingly at her. He could never quite manage as well as James or Sirius could with women, but considering his interests lie elsewhere, he has an excuse.
He fumbles through the shopping, tripping up as usual over the muggle money. Even after all these years, the mix of paper notes and coins throws him. It definitely doesn't help that the coins all look alike. He races back home, arms laden, excited for once at the prospect of being in his little flat.
Harri and Sirius are cuddled under a blanket on the futon when he gets back, only a few chapters into the book.
"This is mad," Sirius tells him matter-of-factly. "Talking griffins and centaurs that actually like people. Who wrote this?"
"Never mind that," Remus says, setting some of the bag of shopping on the ground. Harri hops up without being told and helps put things away. "Typical, a seven-year-old is more helpful than you are."
It's so fucking uncomfortable between he and Sirius, and no amount of taking the mickey is going to help, but still, Remus tries, because it eases the abject desolation on Sirius's face for a second. He can't even imagine what it must've been like, trapped with the dementors for five years. He looks so old and withered, but the smiling helps, no matter how faint it is.
"I was thinking about the whole 'ministry after me' bit—"
"Who's after you?" Harri asks, shoving a tin of biscuits into one of the cabinets.
"Er," Sirius fumbles, looking at Remus desperately.
"The ministry is in charge of us," he says. Harri nods, frowning thoughtfully. It's strange to see such a Lily-esque on James' face.
"The Council for Little Whinging?" she asks.
"Right. And they think Sirius was a criminal, so they chucked him in jail—"
"Oi!" Sirius interjects. Clearly, he hasn't explained where he's been for the past five years. She's too smart, Remus thinks, to be lied to.
"Jail! What for?" she asks, biscuits entirely forgotten.
"Never you mind," Sirius says brusque. "I'm innocent."
"Why can't we just tell the ministry that?" Harri asks.
"You ask a lot of questions, don't you?" Sirius mutters. Instantly, Harri's face crumples and she shrinks into herself. "Fuck, no that not what I meant—"
"Asking questions isn't a bad thing, Harri," Remus says gently, taking on of her tiny hands in his. "It's a very good question. The thing is, they might not listen because they might think he's lying. If they catch him, they'll chuck him right back, so we need to make sure the ministry will really listen to us if they do catch us."
"Sorry, pet," Sirius says, coming to take Harri's other hand. She shakes her head, tossing back the sheet of tangled curls.
"How do we make them listen?" she asks.
"Isn't that the question," Sirius sighs. "Dunno, Hazza, but if you've got an idea, I'd love to hear it."
"Never mind that," Remus says. "You and Harri can borrow a few of my things for now and go scrub up. You first, Harri."
"Oh, alright," she says obligingly. Remus hands a stack of old clothes and a towel and sends her off.
"She had a point, you know," Remus says. Sirius nods, shutting his eyes. "How do we get the ministry to listen?"
"Aside from serving Wormtail on a silver platter, I've no idea," Sirius says.
It goes like that for a few days, Remus sweet-talking Dot into letting him bunk off work, spending time with Harri and Sirius. Harri's easy to love, full of spirit and a cheeky streak. She's kind, playful, and damn intelligent. They've been working through the CS Lewis book every night and Harri's quick to join in to read aloud, barely stumbling over words.
Being with Sirius again is like walking through a dream. There's a fear in the back of Remus's mind that none of this is real, and it definitely doesn't feel real. It's like they're playing at being students again, actors cast in the roles of Sirius and Remus. Believable on the outside, but ultimately false. Remus just doesn't know how to make it go back to normal again, or if normal is something they'll never get again.
On the tenth day of them being there, Remus opens the Daily Prophet to find Sirius's screaming face plastered on the front page. He hides it quickly so Harri won't see, pretending like it's all fine. Eventually, after she falls asleep after a not-so-nutritious supper of cheese toasties, he pulls it back out, wordlessly trusting it at Sirius.
His face drains of what little color it's gained back and he stands there, barely breathing.
"We can't stay here now," Sirius chokes out. "They'll check here first."
"Where will you go?" Before Sirius can answer, an owl hoots outside the kitchen window and they both jump. Sirius sinks to his knees, breathing harshly. Remus hurries over, plucking the letter from the owl's leg and filling a teacup with water for it to drink.
Dear Remus,
I hope this letter find you well, and I'm sure by now you've heard about Sirius. I would like to speak with you about it, so please do write back at your earliest convenience. \
Best,
Albus Dumbledore
The letter is decidedly vague, but Remus just knows that he knows. Fuck. This is it. They're entirely fucked and if they're both in prison, there'll be no one to look after Harri, and he can't just leave her, not again, not when she's all he has left of—
"It's Dumbledore," Remus says, voice just beginning to shake.
"Does he know?" Sirius asks, voice muffled by his knees.
"Can't say, but he wants to talk to me," Remus says. "We can't stay here."
"No, you need to stay here," Sirius says suddenly, face full of clarity. "Harri and I will go, and you can send word after Dumbledore's finished with you."
"Where will you go?" Remus asks anxiously, a heavy pit of dread swirling in his stomach.
"There's only one place left," Sirius says miserably. "Grimmauld Place."
A/N: We can't stay in Remus's little flat forever! Anyways, let me know what you guys thought?