Guilt

I actually enjoyed the boat ride out, despite it being in a small bouncing black inflatable raft essentially. It was my first time out on the water that I could remember and if felt good to have the wind whipping through my ponytail and the salt water spraying my face. It felt good and I couldn't help at least one laugh from escaping my lips. Neither Coulson nor Ward seemed to mind though despite seeing more serious about the matter at hand than I did. It was a mostly silently journey though which I think might have kept me from being too on edge. It was almost peaceful. As the beach came into sight, I tried to focus up a bit and get ready for what I was about to do. I had to get the boys through this and get Hall out of there. Just keep it loose and simple.

I helped them pull the raft onto the beach, thought they did most of the heavy lifting. We stowed it in a corner and prepared to make our way up the beach, myself having the understanding I was to remain covered by one of the guys at all times. I couldn't help but take the weather and seas in and wish I had that bikini though. A swim sounded like a really good idea- if I could swim. God it was so bad I couldn't remember if I could swim.

"As Crawford said, we don't know the state of Dr. Hall when we find him. He may not be the same after such a traumatic experience. I'll be with her and take her to him so she can talk him down and get him out of there safely, Ward. We don't want your personality to set him even more on edge."

I gave Ward a sympathetic look, but he just shrugged it off. You could tell he was focused on what was about to go down as we made our way through the sand. I was desperately trying to keep my balance in my sneakers, which did not provide good sand traction. "Great time for humor, sir. My people skills are the least of our problems if Skye can't get us in."

We made our way up a hill until we reached a sign that was in a language I couldn't understand, but the message seemed to be clear judging from the picture of the red light next to the words along with the black and yellow color. I grabbed a handful of sand and tossed it in that direction, jumping a bit when a yellow grid appeared for a moment before vanishing again. The fence was still up, and that meant Skye hadn't done her part yet. Which was worrying because she had plenty of time as we were pulling in and hiking- I just hoped something hadn't gone wrong. Coulson let out a sigh next to me.

"Next patrol any minute now," Ward commented from behind us. I understood the secret meaning- we didn't have a lot of time.

"Skye's offline," came May's voice through our earpieces, making us all trade looks with one another. "Repeat, we've lost audio and visuals."

I looked to the two of them for what to do now. This was a major check in the not good column. Ward spoke up first. As I turned to look at him, I spotted three men in white uniforms making their way up towards us. "Abort is not an option, but if she's compromising-"

"She's still our only way to get to Dr. Hall."

"And we're their-"

"We have company," I said hastily, pointing in the direction of the men. Coulson and Ward reacted immediately, ducking into the brush beside us. I followed, positioning myself behind them as was expected of me.

"Beach is all clear," one of them said, though they still seemed to be a distance away. "Let's move up the ridge." Ward and Coulson steeled themselves while I just kept my fingers crossed taking these guys by surprise worked out. It was okay I wasn't fighting I told myself- I still had a purpose here. I wasn't being useless. I was keeping myself safe as ordered for my part in all this.

Coulson and Ward jumped the guys as soon as they were close enough, Coulson taking out one in the time Ward handled the other two. I emerged from the brush myself once they were down to see Coulson struggling to break down the weapon one of the guys had. "Damn. A little rusty, I guess."

Ward just took the gun from him and threw into the grid, disintegrating it instantly with a touch of frustration that it was still up. Coulson clicked his comm. "Guys, clock's ticking. Where's Skye?"

I made my way over to Ward and put a hand on his shoulder. "She's going to do it. You trained her well and did everything you needed to do. She's on our side." He didn't say or do anything, just stood there so I don't know if he believed me. I didn't know if I believed me.

Then came the rush of excited chatter over the comms from the Bus and we knew we were in business. I gave Ward a pat and I swore he even flashed me a hint of a smile. Coulson bent down and was checking what the men had on them when we heard the crackling voice over one of their walky-talkies. "We have a man down. Hostiles on the east ridge!"

With that came the gunshots in our direction. Ward grabbed my arm and the three of us moved towards the fence, only for the bullets hitting it illuminating that it was still up. We were forced to come to a screeching halt, Ward holding me steady as I nearly tripped into it and positioning myself in front of him out of harm's way. "Aah! We need a reset here, Fitz!" Coulson told the others as he and Ward prepped their guns to shoot. More gunshots were sent our way. It was getting to the point I wasn't truly flinching at them anymore which was somehow scarier. "Fitz!"

"Shouting his name repeatedly does not increase productivity!" Simmons shouted at us.

"Okay, go!" Coulson took off over the line where the fence had been while Ward gave me a harsh shove across. I managed to stay on my feet though, surprisingly.

"Oh, maybe it does."

"System rebooting in two, one, now!" Fitz relayed as Ward just managed to jump over himself before the fence appeared once again, bullets merely bouncing off it. I helped pull Ward to his feet and we took off at a job up the stairs to what had to be one of Quinn's many fountains on the property. I had to admit the place was pretty nice. This one was luckily empty though, being so far from the party.

"We'll look for Dr. Hall down in the lab," Coulson told Ward, and I moved so that I was behind him more than the both of them.

"I'll get Skye," Ward agreed. He ran towards the house while Coulson led us more towards the back of the property, keeping us away from everyone. Coulson had obviously memorized the layout of the place and expertly and effortlessly guided us into a shed with a secret door in the back. I don't think anyone even spotted us. We took the stairs two at a time before arriving at what looked to be an underground bunker, spotting the head of Dr. Hall at the door towards the very end of the hallway.

He went in first, greeting the man who looked to be messing around at some type of console. "Dr. Hall," he greeted. "Agent Coulson. Agent Crawford. We have an exit strategy."

"We're here to get you out of here," I added warmly. But surprisingly he didn't even seem to be looking at us. Something was off.

"S.H.I.E.L.D.?" he asked, still typing away.

"Yes, sir," Coulson smiled, heading for the door. "Let's get you out of here."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Coulson and Ms. Crawford. I'm right where I'm supposed to be." Oh no. They had gotten to him. Coulson looked at me, unsure how to handle this. And I knew it was my turn to step up. I walked towards Hall and positioned myself right next to him.

"I know it's been a long few days you've been stuck here," I told him gently. A larger scale version of the Gravitonium was had found was sparking behind us, but I tried to ignore it. "I don't know what Quinn did to you or promised you to make you want to stay here, but we can protect you. I promise."

"An opportunity," he answered me bluntly. Okay, so he wanted to work with the Gravitonium. He had been searching for it his whole career after all. Play to that.

"I know you're excited that it's real Dr. Hall- that you were right. But playing with this means Ian Quinn gets what he want to. And he's one of the bad guys. He kidnapped you. We can't let that happen."

"We can't let anyone have control of this. That's why I'm here." He finally looked at me. "To bury it at the bottom of the ocean, with him." The Gravitonium was now spinning, glowing orange and green as it call together for me. The choice Dr. Hall had made.

"Coulson. The leak came from…"

"You, Dr. Hall," I breathed, a little bit in shock. Coulson seemed to have caught up too and was very concerned at what was happening in the other room with the Gravitonium "You got yourself kidnapped by Quinn."

"All petitions and embargoes in the world couldn't stop Ian," Hall told me as he continued with the controls. "He grows more powerful every day. And then I get word he's found this." He hit another button and soon Coulson and I were both leaning against the glass.

"You don't have to do it like this," I told him. "You're with S.H.I.E.L.D. You know we can help. We can find another way to stop him together."

"I'm sorry Miss Crawford, but I already had to make a choice." With that, everything started to fall off the shelves around us.

"Something tells me that wasn't the "off" button!" Coulson quipped to me before we were both thrown into the glass more forcefully. I managed to use my hands to break the collision- good thing the glass was sturdy- but Coulson took a hit to the head and fell… up to the ceiling. We were now standing on the ceiling. I tried not to get lost in that fact and ran over to him as he groaned. He was behind a table so we were out of view of Hall, who must have stayed in the room if he was trapped on the ceiling.

"Guys, we have a bit of a situation," I relayed into my comm, hovering over Coulson as he seemed to be coming to.

"We're aware of the problem, Crawford," May answered me coldly. "Hall wanted Quinn to kidnap him?"

"Yeah, why would he want to do that?" Fitz questioned. Coulson opened his eyes, one a little bruised but it looked alright, and I helped him prop himself up on his elbows. He gave me a smile that he was alright and I sighed in relief.

"What is wrong with him?" Simmons added.

"Quinn built a gravity generator," Coulson got everyone up to speed as I started to help him up. "Hall knew Quinn would need him to control its raw power, but Hall just wanted to unleash it."

"The one we found was 2.5 centimeters in diameter. It stopped a semi. How big are we talking?"

"Twelve feet," He answered. "It's definitely take down the entire compound." Fitz-Simmons spoke at the same time, seeming to indicate we were in for worse from what I could make out. "Work a solution. I'll disconnect the power before thing get…"

He was now up and seemed to notice our situation, giving me a look. I merely shrugged. I had been trying not to think about it, but now I found I was just weirdly accepting it. "They're already crazy, sir."

"They can't help you," Hall told us. We looked over to see he had Coulson's gun and what looked to be a bottle of wine. He propped up one of the chairs and took a seat in front of us. "Soon, it'll reach an exponential acceleration state. I'm sorry." He wasn't planning on leaving then. He was making the sacrifice play.

"My team's here," Coulson let slip out, looking at the generator before turning his gaze to me, "good people." I almost cried as I gave him a watery smile. I had to get him out of this. I had to figure this out and save him. He was too good a man for it to happen like this.

"Sworn to protect all mankind?" Hall said almost mockingly as he uncapped the bottle. "That's what I'm doing, I promise… making things right." He poured the wine into a glass at a very odd angle and chuckled as he took a sip.

"Dr. Hall-"I began, but then everything shifted once again. We were thrown towards one of the walls as the gravity in the room shifted, myself and Coulson grabbing and helping one another break our falls. Hall merely stepped from one to the other, glass in hand. The guy clearly knew what he had been studying. I seemed to be coping easier, maybe because I hadn't hit my head, and managed to spring to my feet on this wall pretty quickly. I took a step forward and heard the sound of Hall removing the safety from the gun. My hands were in the air and Coulson followed suit once he was up as well.

"All I had to do to get access to Quinn's lab was drop little clue, create a puzzle for him to solve Quinn likes to feel smart."

"So you gave him your location," I surmised. "Why didn't you try coming to him. You were his friend. He might have listened to you. He might still listen to you now if you turn off this little display and explain-"

"You can't reason with an addict, and he's addicted to exploiting opportunities." I could tell Hall was furious, full of anger and hatred. Negative emotion would get us nowhere. I had to turn things around, make him remember good things. "He never gives a thought to the friends, ecosystems, future generations left ruined in his wake."

"But you do," I tried desperately. "I can see that. You're one of us. Fitz and Simmons, they told me about how much you studied and cared about this." That seemed to get through to him a bit, and I decided to run with it. "They adore you. I've seen it. That's why we worked so hard to save you, because they care about you. We all-"

"You're S.H.I.E.L.D.," he nearly spat as rumbling sent me and Coulson toppling over together. I cursed myself for having made a wrong step. I had to get back in there and convince him. I had to do my job. "Experimentation without thought of consequence! Your search for an unlimited power source brought an alien invasion."

"Fair point," Coulson conceded generously as more rumbling echoed, sending even Hall to his knees.

"T-this element is far too powerful for you, for him, for anyone! I don't have to tell you that. You're feeling it now." Gravity was shifting entirely again, sending us back towards the ceiling. But this one was rough enough it managed to knock Hall off his feet, sending the gun into the space between us. I reached for it, but he beat me there as the room continued spinning. But Coulson had my back and managed to punch Hall once very hard in the face, allowing me to grab the gun from him.

We then backed into our two corners, the glass where the generator was now below and between us. I had the gun and stood beside Coulson on one side while Hall shook off his blow on the other. I refused to point it at Hall though. I had to show him we were better than him, that we had potential.

"A lot of people are going to be hurt, Dr. Hall," I tried. "But we can save them all if you help us. We will get Ian Quinn together, but not like this."

Coulson had pulled a cord behind me, but the generator was still clearly going. "Fitz-Simmons?" he asked, earning a bunch of words from both of them. I locked onto the same from both- catalyst.

"Something to create a chemical reaction in the core," Simmons added. I turned back to Hall, looking desperate and pleading.

"Dr. Hall, we can do this together. I know you we're trying to do the right thing, but we have a better way. We just need to find a catalyst and-"

"I am doing the right thing," he told me. "A completely selfless act. I know that history never celebrates what didn't happen." He was moving closer. I could also see the heads of Skye and Ward appear in the door behind us, but there was no way for them to get in with the gravity like this. "They'll call this a-a tragedy. They won't understand the good I did here."

I could still get through to him. I could still do this. "You'll kill so many innocent people, Dr. Hall," I pleaded.

"I'll save millions," he countered. And somehow I knew then I wasn't going to be able to change his mind. I wasn't going to win. But I had to save my team- my boys. If I couldn't do one job then I was going to be damn sure I did the other. "We have to live with the choices we make, but sometimes we have to die with them, too."

I felt Coulson take the gun from me as he stepped next to me. "I understand," he told the man across from us, hand slipping into mine. I had no clue what he was doing, but I knew he had a plan "You made a hard call." I nodded, still hoping. I just needed a sign.

"Yes."

"And now I have to make mine." Before I could react, Coulson shot the glass below us until it shattered. I felt myself falling but then stopped as Coulson's kept his hand locked in mine. His other had grabbed a wire dangling from what was now the ceiling and we hung from it. Hall had no such luck and was now falling into the generator. I managed to barely grab his hand, but it slipped the instant I had it.

"No!" I shouted as he fell into the generator, screaming as the goo in the center seemed to swallow him up. I watched the whole thing and it was the most painful thing I did. As soon as he was gone Coulson and I were safely on the floor again. I realized what he had done then- Hall had been the catalyst. He had stopped the generator with Hall. Coulson got to his feet but I just stayed on my hands and knees, reeling with the fact that I had failed on every count. I hadn't been able to talk down Hall. I hadn't been able to keep Coulson safe. I had forced him to make a call he clearly didn't want to just to save us. Hall was dead. The others had seen everything- they knew the truth now. I couldn't protect anyone. I didn't have a skill as an Agent at all. I had no purpose being an Agent.

May was absolutely right.

I wasn't an Agent. I was a fraud.

And then came the tears. Skye and Ward had run into the room and she was kneeling by my side, hugging me to her as they started to spill over. All I kept seeing was Hall falling. I tried to suck it up, but the weight of what had happened just crushed me. So Skye helped me to my feet, Coulson putting a comforting hand on my back that I ignored, and led me out of the room. Away from the murder that had happened because of me.

XXX

I retreated to my bunk as soon as we got back. I hadn't dared to speak to Fitz-Simmons as they were probably mourning their mentor or face May or even take up Skye's offer of food. Coulson had assured me I did everything I possibly could have, that I couldn't see this as a failure of my talent. Hall had just been too far gone when we reached him and Coulson had made the decision he needed to so he could protect us and he didn't regret it. "I would do it again," he had said. I would get them next time and I couldn't take it so personally. The words had just bounced right off and he luckily finally decided to give me some space.

I was crying when Ward peeked in on me. I was crying and staring at the wall cursing myself for ever believing I stood a chance. That I could belong in this world. He took a seat on the edge of the bed, staring at me. "I bet you thing I'm a failure now," I told him as I wiped my eyes. I knew this was coming eventually. "Bet you wish you had packed me up when you had the chance."

Surprisingly, he shook his head. "Crawford… you need to move past this." He was blunt but I could tell this was his attempt at being gentle. "I know things didn't go the way you intended or wanted. It happens to even the very best of us. We can't account for every variable- you didn't know Hall had chosen this for himself and was set on it. You just… need to get a grip and make it drive you to work every angle next time."

"There shouldn't be a next time," I choked. I was about to continue when I felt him get closer to me, hands on my shoulders and eyes locked on mine. The message was clear- I was feeling sorry for myself and needed to knock it off. I was no use to my team like this and they needed me at my best. But of course they thought that. They didn't know the whole story. And in that moment I felt the crippling loneliness that came with being in my situation. I had no memories to fall back on, only lies. Everything my only friends knew about me had been made up so they would like me. I was all by myself fighting a battle I don't think I could ever win.

"There will be," he disagreed with me, a little forcefully. I felt myself look down, but he forced my chin back up so I would look at him. "And we are going to trust you just as much then as we did back there. Because you are good at your job and doubting that is just crippling yourself." And we sat there for a moment, him just holding my chin and willing me to get what he was trying to say. He was trying to get the person he believed to be his friend back.

I don't know quite how to explain what happened next or why it happened really. In a way it was instantaneous and in a way it had been building for a while. I think most of it was just the blanket of feelings I was suffering under- guilt and loneliness- and my desire to break free of it if even for a moment. Part of it probably had to do that Ward was right here in front of me being nice and trying to help me out- making a small physical connection with his hand on my face. And I wanted a bigger one to keep me down on the ground- keep myself from floating off into some abyss. And I know it sounds like I'm just making excuses, but I swear the air in room was full of electricity sparking something in me. So I did what I felt the electricity that had built up in my small bunk told me to do. I leaned forward and I kissed Grant Ward. I kissed him like my life depended on it.

Things escalated pretty rapidly from there. The next moment he was kissing me back, possessive and forceful. Just what I needed. In the next moment his hands started to roam to places other than my face as mine locked behind his neck- creating more physical tethers between the two of us. And then I didn't feel guilty or lonely as he pushed me down into my bed, making quick work of my jeans as I pulled off his shirt. And then after quickly removing his pants we were connected in a whole lot of ways.

It was quick. It was rough. I think I liked it in the moment, or at least I think I did with no basis to compare it to, but I had the good sense to realize my mistake as soon as it was over. Somehow I felt even worse. I was even nastier on the inside.

I didn't even let him say anything before I rolled out of the bed, grabbed a pair of pajamas from my drawer, and bolted for the bathroom just praying I wouldn't run into anyone. Thankfully he didn't call or come after me. I managed to make it, locking the door and sliding down it to the cold tile floor with my head in my hands.

I just had sex with Grant Ward. I just had sex with a member of my team who I was literally trapped on this Bus with. A guy who clearly had something much deeper going on with another member who was friend of mine. Who was one of my best friends. I knew it hadn't meant anything and that it wouldn't happen again, but I couldn't help but berate myself for somehow managing to screw up today even more. I had let the situation get to me and completely lost control in the worst way. Because I now had to deal with emotional consequences in addition to physical and that terrified me.

I took a quick and immediate shower once I got my senses back as if I could just wash it all away. I stared at my tattoo, running my fingers over the cursive words that almost made a bracelet on the palm side of my forearm, and thanked God he hadn't seen it of I would be officially screwed- or at least even more than I had been. Boy, I felt gross just thinking about it. I don't think I was supposed to be having this violent of a reaction, but my gut was telling this was not the time and Grant Ward certainly wasn't the one. It wasn't going to happen again and I was going to make sure no one knew that it had happened. It needed to stay between Ward and me; otherwise everyone on the team would think I was a complete train-wreck waiting to happen.

I threw on my pajamas, long-sleeved of course, and made my way to the only place I thought would be safe to hide- the cockpit. May didn't even spare me a glance as I folded myself up into a ball in the copilot's seat- trapped in my own thoughts of how right she had been about me. It must have been about five minutes before she finally spoke up.

"I'm going back in the field," she informed me. I figured it would only be a matter of time with the way her and Coulson bickered. She clearly cared about him. "And I'm not going to waste any breath trying to babysit you when there's a mission that needs to be done."

I heard her loud and clear. I was done trying. "I guess I won't be going on anymore missions then," I conceded, pulling my legs up under my chin. This morning I had been asking her to help me and now I was giving up. The turnabout didn't surprise me though really. All it took was one mission to see she was right.

"I was going to say that in order to prevent that scenario I thought we should begin basic training promptly, so you'll be able to hold you own and I won't have to babysit you." Wait. What?

"Seriously?!" I couldn't help but ask, turning her way. She gave me a look out of the corner of her eye and I realized she would never joke about something like this. And somehow, her words were enough. May was pushing me to keep going, so I needed to keep going. I had her on my side now, someone who knew and understood everything. I wasn't alone like I had thought after all. And with her help I might just be able to work myself up to an Agent that I could be proud of. With a few simple words Agent May was giving me hope for myself- more than my entire… encounter with Ward had. "Thank you," I told her sincerely. "Thank you so much."

She didn't answer and soon I settled back into the chair, staring off into the night sky. I think I felt so at peace with where I was and who I was with that it made falling asleep the easiest it had been since I woke up.

XXX

I looked down as Hall fell into the generator, screaming as I lost his grip. But then I realized it wasn't Hall at all, but Coulson. "Coulson!" I tried to lunge for him again desperately but it was no use. I even tried to let go, but I was stuck above the glass somehow. I couldn't even close my eyes or look away. I just had to dangle and watch as Coulson was swallowed by the Gravitonium, screaming in anguish the entire time.

"Ashleigh! Ashleigh!" he cried. "Ashleigh!"

XXX

"Ashleigh!" I bolted awake to find May staring at me. The sun was just starting to peek over the clouds, meaning I had been out for a bit. "Are you alright?"

I nodded, wiping the sweat from my forehead and sitting up. It was just a dream. No big deal. "Just a nightmare about Hall and Coulson." May accepted this with a nod and turned her attention back to flying and I realized this was the first time I had been completely honest with someone since I had been brought here. And it was really starting to get to the point where I hated lying. But I just had to stomach it, swallow the bile down and hope it never built up too much.

Speaking of stomach, mine was rumbling. I got up out of the chair, aching everywhere from a multitude of things but the main one being thrown around by a rotating gravity. "I'm going to get some breakfast." I started for the door, letting out a groan as I pulled it open.

"Meet me in the cargo hold at nine tonight and we'll get started," were her parting words. "Don't be late." Not a chance since my life depended on it. I made my way through the Bus, hoping it was early enough no one else was up. I felt a lot better after my time with May but I wasn't sure about facing everyone-

Coulson sat at the counter reading his tablet with one of my Pop Tarts in his hand. I couldn't help but smirk as I made my way past him to put two of my own into the toaster. "Good morning, sir," I greeted him warmly. He glanced up at me for a mere moment before looking down again with a smile.

"Good to have you back, Crawford." I sat across from him as I waited patiently, genuine smile on my face. I was okay and it was a brand new day to do better with. My boys were safe and that was what mattered. I just kept repeating in my head hoping it would stick- facing the day with a smile.

"Good to be back, sir."

And then black smoke started coming out of the toaster before it let out the worst noise I think a toaster could make. By the time I got to it, my Pop Tarts had fallen to the mechanical monster.

Off to a great start already.

XXX