"Sitcom Royal Rumble II"
Rated T for mild language and violence
Summary: 50 superstars from sitcoms past and present battle for 1,000,000 on the line in an all-out battle royal! With old contestants returning alongside brand new faces ready to compete, and two rings to match the total carnage unleashed, who will fight to survive for total victory? A sequel to the first Sitcom Royal Rumble.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with World Wrestling Entertainment, Total Nonstop Action, or sitcoms associated with ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, Disney, Nickelodeon or TBS. Anyway, I'd figured I'd do this for fun and amusement. So enjoy!
Chapter 3: It's Always Hardcore In Chicago
After a few seconds from their face-off, Red got in the first shot, making Cliff stumble a few steps.
Jerry Lawler: Red's now firing away!
Michael Cole: Cliff Huxtable backing into a corner here!
JBL: C'mon Cliff, fight back!
With Cliff backed into a corner, Red went all Muhammad Ali all over him, pummeling him with fist shots to the gut.
Already feeling tender in the ribs, Cliff managed to turn things over by pushing Red to the corner and giving out fist shots to the gut in response.
JBL: Cliff's going at him like gangbusters!
Jerry Lawler: This whole thing's been clearly turned into a boxing match!
As Cliff kept on striking him, Red Forman managed to counter his punches by raking the doctor in the eyes.
While Cliff was blinded by the eye rake, Red took his sweet time catching his breath for the moment. As Cliff managed to regain his eyesight, Red Forman rushed right at him with a meat hook clothesline, Ryback-style!
Michael Cole: Red got him with the meathook!
JBL: That sure reminds me of somebody who's hungry!
Jerry Lawler: I'm pretty sure he's proud of Red for that move!
Cliff nearly knocked himself off his shoes from that impact. As Cliff was found unresponsive, Red decided to end things from here.
Picking up the obstetrician himself, Red Forman managed to scoot closer to the ropes in hopes of lifting Cliff Huxtable over the top rope and onto the floor. Red managed to T-Bone Cliff over the top rope, but luckily managed to hang on.
Jerry Lawler: Cliff's out-no wait, no he's not!
Michael Cole: He's still in there!
JBL: C'mon, that's not fair to Cliff!
Jerry Lawler: *to JBL, boggled* Since when did you start liking Cliff Huxtable?!
JBL: *to King* I like the Cosby Show. Don't judge me!
Seeing Cliff on the apron, Red tried to knock him down by pushing him off.
Knowing how hard Red tried, it wasn't good enough as Cliff showed excellent grip strength. With an excellent grip onto the ropes, it was hard having to get Cliff Huxtable out in Red's case.
JBL: C'mon Cliff, hang in there!
Michael Cole: This is turning into a total tug-of-war battle here!
JBL: Hopefully someone might come in here and save him!
Luckily for Cliff, Red looked over to the titantron, seeing the countdown clock tick over to t-minus 10 seconds. The hardass managed to let him go, just so he could focus on the next dumbass who was ready to enter the rumble.
Whoever was number three, Red was ready for a fight.
Jerry Lawler: Here comes number three! I can't wait!
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *BZZT!*
Entrant #3: Mike Seaver (Growing Pains)
As the buzzer sounded, a teenager with a curly brown mullet and decked out in Sonny Crockett clothes came out to the curtain to perhaps a mixed reaction. Most of the cheers came out from the Growing Pains fangirls, while the boos came out from the rest of the Chicagoans who all chanted "New York Sucks" because of how he resided there.
Being appreciated by the cheers the female demographic gave him, the third entrant all managed to give them high fives on his way down the aisle.
JBL: Hey, here's another returning favorite!
Michael Cole: Fresh out from the last Sitcom Royal Rumble, it's Mike Seaver from Growing Pains!
Jerry Lawler: Last time we saw him, he used a brick disguised as a bible!
JBL: I can't wait to see what that kid's got planned next.
After he was finished giving out high-fives, Mike entered the ring and went to work right away.
Unfortunately, he didn't bring out a bible-disguised brick, but all he got was his feet. He successfully pulled out high-risk dropkicks on both Red and Cliff while feeding out the energy from his fangirls.
Jerry Lawler: Wow, look at that kid go!
JBL: Look at that kid lay it on to both of them!
Red immediately got back up and tried to hit a clothesline on Mike, but the teenager quickly ducked down and grabbed the hardass by the neck, connecting with a surprising neckbreaker.
While Red was down, Mike decided to do some friendly taunting down to his face.
Mike Seaver: *to Red* Mike 3:16 said I just whooped your butt!
Jerry Lawler: Okay, that's gotta be the worst "Stone Cold" impression I've ever heard!
JBL: It may not be the best, but it's quite good! He's the PG-rated Stone Cold!
Mike Seaver than faced off against Cliff Huxtable, who tried to sneak attack him with a punch out of nowhere.
Mike managed to catch the punch just in time. Hanging onto Cliff's fist, Mike looked to the upper right turnbuckle, thinking up an idea.
Jerry Lawler: What does Mike have in mind here?
Still clutching Cliff's fist, Mike decided to leap to the middle and top rope and fly back, hitting Cliff Huxtable with not just a springboard spinning arm drag...
...
...
...but trapping Red Forman with a aerial head scissors on his way down! Despite the mixed reaction Mike got when he entered the ring, he actually got a cheap pop for that move.
Michael Cole: DEAR LORD!
JBL: That kid is insane!
Jerry Lawler: That's something you don't see everyday, especially when you're Mike Seaver!
Mike Seaver managed to show off for the crowd a bit, which actually got him loud cheers coming from this fangirls.
Not containing their cheers much often, Mike Seaver managed to leave under the ring so he can sign some autographs for his fans.
JBL: Check this out, the girls definitely love him!
Michael Cole: Well, he definitely has a way with the ladies, as far as being a teen heartthrob in the 80's is concerned.
Jerry Lawler: As fun as this is for him, he's wasting time!
JBL: He's just making time, not wasting time. It's two totally different words.
After signing off a few autographs for few of his fans, Mike Seaver came back up on the apron...
...
...
...only to get hit by a Superman punch coming from Red Forman, which knocked him off the apron and down to the floor. But since Mike Seaver actually left the ring under the ropes, he was still in the matchup regardless since he was never eliminated!
Michael Cole: What a Superman punch by Red!
Jerry Lawler: *to JBL, chuckling* Ever familiar with the line 'Show me that smile again'? I'm afraid Mike's smile just got wiped off his face!
JBL: That's not right, I actually like his smile.
While Mike was laid out unconscious on the floor, both Red and Cliff got back to their hand-to-hand brawl between the two dads.
However, as that was going on, the crowd all anticipated who would come out as the 4th entrant in the match. With the clock ticking down, the fans all awaited with anticipation.
Jerry Lawler: Number 4's coming up! Who's it gonna be?
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *BZZT!*
Entrant #4: Charlie Kelly (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)
While the buzzer sounded for the 4th time, a man dressed up in a denim jacket, denim jeans came out to a lukewarm ovation from the fans.
He wasn't alone though as he also wore an American flag headband around his head, looking very similar to Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty or Luther Campbell from the 2 Live Crew.
Jerry Lawler: Oh man, did this just get interesting now!
JBL: Oh come on, anyone but this hotheaded loony! Why did it have to be him?
Michael Cole: For those of you who aren't familiar with him, it's Charlie Kelly from FX's It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia!
JBL: This is gonna be a nightmare...
Rushing down to the ring, Charlie Kelly managed to enter the ring like most high-flyers do, which was over the top rope.
As both Cliff and Red looked up top, Charlie flew with the greatest of ease in the form of a double missile dropkick!
Michael Cole: Whoa! What a dropkick!
Jerry Lawler: Now that's mad!
Kipping up to his feet, Shawn Michaels-style, Charlie immediately went to work on Cliff Huxtable.
With Cliff onto his knees, Charlie started unloading hard kicks on Cliff's chest, a la Daniel Bryan. Suddenly, the crowd all broke out in 'yes' chants through every kick that Charlie pulled off. By then, Cliff's chest were burnt red like lava itself.
JBL: Oh great, who does this guy think he is, Daniel Bryan Jr.?
Jerry Lawler: By the way he's pulling off those kicks with grace, he might as well be!
Michael Cole: Momentum's clearly on Charlie's side right about now!
As Cliff stood on his knees dazed and confused, Charlie began to throw in the final kick.
But Cliff managed to duck at the nick of time, which forces Charlie to kick Red instead, bringing the hardass down to his knees.
JBL: Whoa! Cliff nearly avoided death there!
Jerry Lawler: But now, Red's receiving the punishment here!
Just like what he did to Cliff, Charlie unloaded those fierce hard kicks to Red's chest completely.
And yet again, the crowd kept it going with the 'yes' chants as each kick was given. By then, Red's chest was even more redder than Cliff's, nearly forming deep deep scars. But still, Red was getting through the pain like a champ.
Michael Cole: Oh dear, how many kicks is Red Forman taking at this point?
JBL: As far as I'm concerned, I think maybe around 10.
Jerry Lawler: More like forever!
Just like Cliff, Red grew dazed and confused, but Charlie still wanted to get that last shot in.
So he swung his foot for the last time, but just like Cliff, Red ducked. However, he ended up swinging his foot over Cliff's head instead, knocking him out!
JBL: Whoa! What a knockout by this psycho!
Jerry Lawler: It was so loud, I think the mayor of Chicago heard it from here!
Charlie was still ticked off that he didn't get Red. But with Red still on his knees, Charlie still wanted to get the final blow.
But before he could though, Mike Seaver snuck up behind Charlie and surprised him with a Back Stabber! That of course, ruined Charlie's momentum in the matchup so far.
Michael Cole: Oh, a Back Stabber out of nowhere!
JBL: I'm thinking Charlie forgot about Kir-um, I mean Mike Seaver there!
Once again, Mike was greeted by the usual mixed reaction from that move. The fangirls loved it while the Chicago natives didn't.
Meanwhile, the Rumble clock started lighting up once again, therefore bringing in another entrant by the count of 10.
JBL: Here comes number 5! I'm psyched for this one!
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *BZZT!*
Entrant #5: Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor (Home Improvement)
As the buzzer sounded, a man with a blue shirt, black tie, denim jeans and signature tool belt made his way down the aisle to a bunch of grunts. Those were the same type of grunts that was heard on the show Home Improvement.
Of course, it was the same grunts uttered by the fifth entrant, now competing in this matchup.
Jerry Lawler: Ohh, I know what time it is right here!
Michael Cole: From Home Improvement, it's the guy known as the Tool Man, Tim Taylor!
JBL: Oh yeah, it's Tool Time! I wonder if they're gonna bring in the hot blonde assistant from the show?
Jerry Lawler: Yeah, I always wanted to see some 'puppies' in this match!
Before he could enter the ring altogether, Tim stopped in his tracks and analyzed the situation here.
So far, there was Mike Seaver, Red Forman, Charlie Kelly and Cliff Huxtable all brawling inside the ring for a chance to victory. So he figured out to himself, how good would a match be with some tools involved? Smirking deep down in his hardware loving-soul, he decided to look under the apron.
JBL: What on earth is Tim Taylor doing?
Jerry Lawler: Whatever it is, it's definitely not gonna look good for the contestants in the ring!
With a smirk, Tim Taylor brought out a table so he could set it to ringside. That definitely got the fans delight going, which of course, they chanted 'we want tables' repeatedly over and over again.
Michael Cole: Looks like we're getting into some tables, it seems!
Jerry Lawler: This guy definitely knows his tools for sure!
One table wasn't enough for Tim to be satisfied.
So he needed to up the ante by setting another table to the other corner of the ring. Meanwhile, while that was going on, Mike Seaver was busy literally putting his foot in Charlie's mouth in the upper left turnbuckle. The harder he pressed his foot, the harder it made Charlie to breathe!
Mike Seaver: *to Charlie* You're a bad influence to everyone, including your friends! What's wrong with you?
Charlie Kelly: *to Mike* I'd... say the same thing. Your foot... f***ing... smells!
JBL: Mike telling that Psycho what it is.
Jerry Lawler: Talk about a foot-in-mouth disease!
While Charlie begged to get some air, Tim still wasn't satisfied with all of this table setting down at ringside.
So, instead of two tables, he wanted to go for three tables, which got this crowd pumped up.
JBL: Look at this, this guy is wasting time setting up tables. *to Tim* Get in the ring already and start going Tool Time on everyone!
Jerry Lawler: I'm pretty sure he's got an creative idea, JBL.
Michael Cole: We've seen him experiment some of the tools he tests on his show, so it's very different to what we're seeing here!
After setting the third table, Tim wanted to go for the motherlode.
So he got to the other side of the ring, and pulled out the fourth table at ringside. So far, there were four tables being set in each side of the ring. With that being said, Tim finally managed to get in the ring. But yet, he stopped for some reason.
JBL: What? Why in the hell is he stopping?
Jerry Lawler: Maybe he's got some second thoughts.
Suddenly, a sick sadistic smirk lit up Tim's face like an evil mastermind.
So he got back down and searched under the apron once more. When he came back up however, he grabbed a bag full of thumbtacks! The crowd saw this and just blew their flipping minds out of the building.
JBL: Oh no, you gotta be kidding me!
Michael Cole: Oh man, this isn't gonna be good!
Jerry Lawler: As if the Sitcom Royal Rumble wasn't sick enough, Tim Taylor just turned up the sick level to 11! I pray someone doesn't meet the end of that soon to be thumbtack covered-table.
With a sick smile, Tim poured out the entire glob of tacks on the table, hoping someone would go through it later on.
After finally throwing the bag away, Tim finally managed to get in the ring. But he wasted too much valuable time with all the table settings that it was more than enough for the next entrant to come out. With all the tables set in the ring (especially the one covered in tacks), the 6th entrant of the match was gonna have a lot on his hands.
Jerry Lawler: Number six is coming up! Who's on deck?
To be continued next chapter...
Looks like we'll have to see who Tim Taylor's truly made up in the next chapter. Until then, here are the stats!
Eliminated: So far, none.
Still in the ring: Charlie Kelly, Cliff Huxtable, Mike Seaver, Red Forman and Tim Taylor
Entrants in the ring: 5
Entrants still left to go: 45
Who has drawn number 6? Who really ate my shorts? Find out on the next chapter! Until next time, this is UltimateWarriorFan4Ever signing off!
Who will we see next in this extravaganza? Which new faces will show up? And will I ever get those double chocolate brownies I was promised like last time? The fists start flying next chapter! Until next time, this is UltimateWarriorFan4Ever signing off for now!