3. Confessions
Calista couldn't believe what she was reading as she flipped through the journal Asthar gave her earlier..
Her uncle killed her father...?
I poisoned him. I did that, yes. It will be something I regret ever doing for all the rest of my existence and beyond it. Calista and her mother will never forgive me. No one will.
Why did I do it? Was I so desperate for power that I persuaded myself to do that!? How could I do that!? What the hell is wrong with me...
I have no choice. I must not tell them—especially Calista. I cannot go back now.
Calista flipped through the next few pages of her uncle's journal. No wonder he wanted to give it to her. It contained the truth behind her father's death, and all his thoughts about...about everything.
I despise Jirall but this is a chance for power. More power, for Lazulis, for the hoouse of Arganan. Though I hate him, I will go through with it.
Another entry.
Was forced to hire some group of mercenaries today to eradicate those damned Reptids. Good riddance.
Another.
Calista ran away today, again. She came back by herself this time, surprisingly. Told her if she did that again, I'd make the wedding to Jirall sooner than she'd wish.
Why do I keep hurting her? I...I don't know what to do...
And another. But this was different.
The leader of that mercenary group came to report that the Reptids are eradicated. His golden eyes are almost enthralling, I have to admit.
Though I was not enthralled by him asking for another thousand gold when I paid him.
Said he promised that he'd give me a 'special night' if I did so. What is he in his spare time, some male prostitute? As if I'd sink that low, that bastard. I said no and shooed him out before he could say anymore.
This must have been about Dagran. She flipped to the next page.
Things have not been well for me. Nightmares of my brother's death haunt me, and Calista is the only one I have left and I've gone and ruined it. It's beyond repair now. She avoids talking to me at all.
Talked with that mercenary leader again, told him I was willing to hire him and his group to be guards for the ball that will celebrate Jirall and Calista's engagement.
He accepted, but also quietly offered that...that night offer again. And this time I sunk low and accepted it.
I...felt so naked during it all. He was gentle, accommodating. I'd never been with anyone, man or woman, in that fashion before so it felt strange but it felt good.
"Trust me," he whispered to me, and I did. Perhaps it will be a night I will never forget, even if it was selfish. I'm still trying now to remind myself that it was a selfish thing I did for myself to chase those nightmares away, and in his point of view, strictly business.
So they did sleep together. She had a feeling that what Dagran said back at the dungeon was true. The look in her uncle's eyes, one of guilt, however—this entry right now did not seem to describe much mortification at his actions. Perhaps later on it did?
There was a knock on her door.
"Calista?"
It was Zael.
"Calista, please, open the door." He sounded like he was pleading. "I need to talk to you, it's—it's important, I swear. Please hear me out."
She put down the journal on her bed, opening the door to see Zael. He was dressed in his usual mercenary clothes, and it felt like deja vu, seeing his concerned expression. The last time she'd seen him, he'd put on his new knightly armor (old armor but still) and the news was that he would soon have a knighthood from Count Arganan...
"Zael?" She stared at him. Why was he dressed back in his mercenary clothing now? Didn't he want to look like, be like the other knights...? "Why are you here? Why are you wearing your mercenary clothing?"
"Please hear me out." Zael repeated. His voice trembled slightly. "Calista, I...I've been thinking and now I know it. I'm going to give up the knighthood."
What?
"I.." Zael bit his lower lip, unbiting it as he looked straight into her eyes. "I've been thinking about what you said. That it's not just some fairytale world of knights and princesses like in the stories. Seeing Dagran in the dungeon just now made me think of it. And what he did—I can't believe he'd do that. And, I didn't tell you this, but there were assassins that tried to kill me. Someone in a green robe helped me evade death when they came, and that made me think too."
Calista blinked. She remembered dressing up in that green robe to make sure Zael was okay, after overhearing Jirall get assassins to kill Zael. "You're going to give up the knighthood because of Dagran and assassins?" She asked.
Zael shook his head. "No, not because of that." He responded, taking a deep breath. "Because...I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to end up like Dagran did. I don't want to resort to doing bad stuff like what he did or worse. I don't want to just be a knight for the sake of being a knight, Calista. I want to protect people, and if being a knight means that I need to sleep my way or kill my way or do something bad to get there, I won't take it. I'd rather stay a mercenary all my life instead! You were right about it, everything full of treachery and deceit. I understand you don't want me in a world like that, I won't enter that world. I swear it."
He understood.
He understood that she didn't want him to be stuck in that situation, that he shouldn't be a knight for the sake of being one, or through any horrid means like Dagran tried to do. That there was politics and other dangers involved more than just battling people on a battlefield.
And now she could forgive him now that he understood...and love him even more.
"Zael?"
Zael looked up at her. "Ye—"
Their lips met, locking with one another, and Calista found it difficult to let go of him.
She didn't want to let go of him. Never again.
That was when a bitter chuckle escaped someone, and slow claps followed.
"Congrats." They heard Jirall mutter, and the two looked up to see him standing only a few feet away from the door.
Zael blinked, staring, and Calista couldn't help but stare also. What was Jirall doing here? Why was he watching them?
"What did you say?" Zael asked quietly. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear—"
"Congrats!" Jirall spat back. "Because you have her now and your damned knighthood and I have nothing! Nothing!"
"Wait, what?"
Jirall simply turned tail and ran.
"Jirall? Jirall wait!" Zael gasped, pulling away from Calista, but he'd already gone.
Calista winced. She had a feeling that Jirall definitely saw all of that just now. "He'll come back."
Zael looked to her. "Will he?"
"I...I don't really know."
Zael then noticed something on the ground. "What's this?" Picking it up, he realized the object was an unsealed envelope. He opened it up, reading the contents of the letter, before looking to Calista. "Calista?"
Calista walked over to him. "What is it, Zael?"
Zael bit his lower lip, handing the letter to her. "...Jirall's been disowned by his father. No wonder he said he had nothing."
Asthar didn't realize Jirall was headed his way until the two collided, stumbling to the ground.
"Watch it," Jirall snapped, getting up in a heartbeat, intending to walk past him. He looked terribly distressed, his eyes manic.
Asthar got to his feet, looking to Jirall. "Lord Jirall, are you alright?"
Jirall shook his head, glaring at him and crossing his arms. "Do you think I am?" He snapped in response. "I'm disowned now, and I don't have Calista. I think it's fair to say that I am enraged beyond nature."
Asthar winced. "I...I apologize for my ignorance."
Jirall sighed, looking down. "It's fine." He muttered quietly. "It's not like I'm in prison for something that that cur planned to do to you of all people."
The General frowned. It was far more than obvious that Jirall was hurting. And Asthar couldn't just stand aside and do nothing. He'd heard of how Jirall had hurt Calista multiple times whenever he got angry, from overhearing hushed whispers from servants and maids in the castle, and Asthar thought that maybe he could help give Jirall a better alternative to vent out his frustration than that.
"Jirall, I was wondering..." Asthar hesitated, before speaking. "Do you want to talk to me about it? About what you're all frustrated about? I'd be fine with listening, and I won't tell anyone about it."
Jirall looked surprised at that, eyes glittering with disbelief. "Y-you'd do that?" He asked, his voice hesitant.
Asthar nodded, looking straight into his eyes. "Yes. I would."
Jirall took a deep breath, before nodding. "Alright. But we should go to somewhere more private, first. We can talk in my room."
Asthar nodded, following him.
I believe I may be falling for him.
Him, a mercenary? It's strange, I know. But every time I'm in the room with him now, I feel something. A connection.
We keep getting closer. It's almost frightening to me.
...We touched each other once more, although it turns out that he was just a tad hungover from celebrating getting Zael out of jail. I didn't mind—he never threw up so it helped. He even stayed the night. Thank goodness I pointed out the bite mark I left on his neck, otherwise his other friends might get suspicious about our...escapades.
I feel like something is wrong. But I can't put my finger on what. I want to ask, but his demeanor seems so commanding that I fear even angering him.
He's...the first person that I feel this strangely sentiment way towards. I've offered my body and perhaps even my heart now to him. He says he loves me. He says it so much that it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard him say. How carried away am I getting...? He's the first person in so long that I've felt so comfortable around, I even told him that. He smiled at that. Told me that I was the first that he felt comfortable around in a long while, too.
...
...
...He used me. He was using me. Why did he use me like this!? I don't understand, why would he betray me? I trusted him!
I am ruined. He has ruined me, why...he was using me. He never loved me. Ever "I love you" he said was a lie. Every "Trust me" was him coercing me into being used for his own gain. I hate hate hate hate him.
I feel so soiled and dirty and used. I can never be pure again, I could never love again, love anyone or myself even.
I will give this journal to Calista so that she will know. She will know of what I have done, how much grief I've made, and understand that I regret it. I regret it all—killing my brother, causing her and Jirall much grief, using Zael, only to be used by Dagran in the end.
I doubt she will forgive me...but I don't know how else to apologize, Calista. All I've done is cause you pain.
Forgive me. Please.
Calista simply snapped the journal shut, rushing straight down the hallway and to her uncle's room. She'd told Zael that she wanted to talk with her uncle alone, that yes, she'll be okay. She just wanted to talk to him. Knocking on the door to his room, she opened it slowly.
"Uncle?" She spoke up quietly. "Can I talk to you?"
She gazed sadly at his room, completely in disarray, and noticed her uncle sit up in his bed, looking to her. He was clothed, at least, though said clothing was wrinkled and also in disarray—the opposite of what he usually was, proud and strong and standing on both legs, everything neatened and perfect.
"Y-you came." Her uncle managed softly, looking down. "I..."
Calista simply walked over to him, hugging him tightly. "I read the journal." She whispered softly. "I know that you killed my father. And I know of everything else you mentioned in your journal. I understand why you wanted to give this to me..."
Arganan whimpered softly, both his arms coming up to weakly embrace her. "I'm sorry." He whispered softly. "I'm sorry. I.." He sniffled slightly, burying his faec into her shoulder. "I...I'm so dirty, Calista. All these sins I've committed—they're impossible to wash away."
Calista frowned, holding him close. "Uncle, all the bad things you've done do not define you. It's what you do to make up for it that defines you. Once upon a time, I would have thought you to be corrupted, a terrible person. But now I see that you never meant to do it. That by giving me your journal you just wanted to do something right. You never truly wanted to kill my father, did you?"
Arganan shook his head, still embracing her. "No. N-never wanted...to..." He whispered softly.
He would then feel a kiss on his forehead, and he blinked, looking up at her. "Calista?"
Calista gazed back at him gently. "I love you, uncle." She whispered softly, hugging him. "And I forgive you."
I forgive you.
Those would be the words he clung onto as he held his niece quietly, relief and peace flooding his senses.
The bonds between them would get stronger.