Frozen

The moment I came to my senses I clamped my hand over my mouth so hard I swear my knuckles must have turned white. Then I sat for a moment completely still and listened for any sign of footsteps.

Nothing.

I released the breath I had been holding as slow as I could manage, heartbeat slowing steadily as I continued to sit in my bed. I could feel my entire body was drenched with sweat. This must have been a bad one then. My hand went from my mouth to my throbbing head, running it through my hair with a shaking breath. I glanced at the clock- three hours. I had made it three hours. Sadly, that was my new record in terms of sleep.

It had quickly become clear the memories weren't leaving me. I for the life of me couldn't remember anything I had seen under the machine. I still had vague feelings attached to it, but none of them were fun to revisit in the slightest. They just drove me deeper into whatever funk I was desperately fighting. When Fury's mandated counseling session via my tablet had ended with me throwing it across the room though in a fit of rage I couldn't explain Coulson had pulled the plug. I didn't have to explain anything to anyone. I didn't have to go back to that place, and I was very grateful for it.

It didn't stop the memories from plaguing me in my sleep though. They always seemed to creep into my dreams, warping them in ways that left me shouting and crying out until I alerted someone or managed to wake myself. And then they'd be gone. I hadn't been able to fill in a single page of my book because there was nothing to pull from. I had tried many times, pencil to my head as I desperately tried to pull something from a recent dream to put on paper. But it refused to come and it usually ended with me getting very frustrated at myself.

I swung out of bed once I had calmed down sufficiently, grabbing a new pair of pajamas and heading to the bathroom as silently as I could. Everyone was asleep and I wanted to keep it that way. I had been keeping them up enough these past few weeks with my issues. At this point I had been shaken awake by every member of the team and sometimes multiple- severely cutting into the average hours of sleep everyone was pulling. They insisted they didn't care, but it racked me with guilt that I was being such a burden to them during a time when everyone was supposed to be taking it easy. Fury had given us a few weeks to recover from everything with Centipede, but I was just driving us further into the ground.

I shut the bathroom door, sagging against it to the floor for a moment. I glanced at my wrist, still bandaged with a clean white gauze. Simmons had made it her personal mission in life it seemed to make sure the gaping hole in my flash didn't get infected. I would sit on one of the metal stools daily while she examined the scar tissue that had formed and often injected an antibiotic before carefully wrapping it back up again. It was like she had declared war.

It was her way to cope and help me. Everyone had one. They were all obviously very concerned that despite the bruises fading and the smiles I forced on my face that I seemed to just be stuck in this state of being I hated. I wasn't sleeping which meant I wasn't really firing on all cylinders in my daily life. I just didn't have the energy to be myself. The energy that had been drained from me those hours I was in that house seemed to have vanished completely. I couldn't find them for the life of me.

So Simmons kept my body working. She forced all sorts of antibiotics through my system and ran me through a physical work-up daily, frowning every time she could feel my ribs and complain I should eat more. When she woke me up, she'd just hover until I fell asleep- not really saying anything. I don't know quite where we sat after what had happened before all this, but she seemed very dedicated to taking care of me. I think it might be her way of making amends… or of assuaging her guilt if she had any. I didn't pretend to know.

The ribs were despite Skye's best attempts though. She had brought her cooking to the next level, preparing three full meals a day every day. I hadn't had a Pop Tart since I had returned because when I dragged myself to the kitchen in my pajamas she was in the middle of preparing a full continental breakfast. And most of the time it was only for me. The rest of the team had to scavenge whatever she wasn't using in her latest culinary masterpiece. Or they'd wait for the leftovers, because I hadn't been able to get myself beyond picking at most of it despite her insistences. I just couldn't force myself to. The one time I had a nightmare during a nap had sent it all back up again. It was making her frantic, hovering over me all the time when she wasn't cooking or training with Ward. When she would wake me gently with a hand on my shoulder she'd perch on my bed with one hand on my leg and the other typing casually on her computer as she stayed guard. She'd still be there when I woke up again doing the exact same thing.

My training had gone a bit downhill personally. I still insisted to May on our sessions continuing as soon as I was back on my feet, though I was hitting the mat with a much greater frequency than ever before. After a few days it became clear she was pulling punches despite my insistences she fight me like nothing had changed. I of course couldn't prove it though, but I knew how May really hit. I secretly thought Coulson was involved somehow. She seemed to hope I could work out my feelings on the punching bag or even herself, pushing me to let it all out. I refused to though, falling back on our previous lessons of burying my feelings in a place even I couldn't find. We hadn't talked much despite her voicing that she was very proud of how I had handled myself. That I had saved Coulson and handled myself far better than most experienced Agents would. Yes, those words had actually come from her mouth. I hadn't been in the mood to appreciate them though. Her method during my nightmares was silent, wordlessly waking me before perching herself at the entrance of the room looking out- like she was protecting me from something. Maybe it was the best she knew she could do.

Ward filled in for May's lack of words though. He didn't hover in the same capacity that Skye did, but he did always seem to be around the corner when you least expected it. I dropped something and Ward was there to pick it up. I nearly fell over and he was there to catch me. I wanted a small snack to try and quell my always flipping stomach while Skye was off in her room- well, he just happened to be in the kitchen and happy to prepare something. And he always filled the silences with uncharacteristic talking. He would just say things, ending practically every paragraph by asking if I was okay. He would talk about missions he'd been on or just name movies we could watch if I was feeling up for it. It would be almost sweet if it wasn't so unnerving. He didn't know exactly what to do, so he did everything. He would just shout my name until I woke up before leaning against the dresser and talking until I dismissed him back to his room. I think if I didn't stop him at any point he'd go for it the whole night.

Coulson I had seen probably the least. I suspected it was because he was coping with his own revelations from our time in that house. I had visited him the day after we had arrived back on the Bus, nearly falling into the chair across from him at his desk. We had just sat in silence for a long moment, obviously having been through something no one else could understand. We were now connected in a way neither of us could quite voice.

But finally he spoke up. "Crawford… there's two ways I could do this. The way I want to and the way I'm meant to." He sat up a little straighter. "So first, Agent Crawford, I want to compliment you on the way you conducted yourself during this experience. You showed a strength far beyond anything expected of you. You are a very committed Agent to S.H.I.E.L.D. and I will be sure to mention as much to Fury." I couldn't quite take the compliments to heart, part of me still trapped back there. My fingers brushed the bandage on my wrist. "I apologize for the personal…"

He paused, shaking his head. "You know what, I'm not going to do it like this. It doesn't feel right." He stood from his chair and crouched in front of me, hand taking mine. "Ashleigh, I cannot begin to express how… sorry I am."

I shook my head. "There's nothing to be sorry about. I volunteered, remember?"

"You volunteered for a mission that involved a plan for a swift rescue. You did not volunteer to endure over a day of torture. You did not volunteer to have Po do what he did to you. And you did not truly volunteer to be put in that machine and experience the nightmares that you did."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that one was all me. I even gave Raina a nice flowery speech and everything."

"No," he disagreed. "That was you having to step in because you could see what Raina was saying got to me. That I was about to volunteer to step back in that machine and give them exactly what they wanted."

I could tell he felt guilty and I wanted to clear him of that more than I wanted to admit to the truth. "You wouldn't have, sir. You would have held out against her. I was the one who had a moment of weakness."

"We both know that's not true," he saw right through my attempt. "Because I know I was about to. And nothing you say can absolve me of that and the effect my actions had on you. You need to know that you were the toughest person in that room and though it makes me sad it happened, it doesn't stop how proud or indebted I feel to you. So I offer you both an apology and my sincere thanks. And know that if you need to talk about it… any of it that I am right here anytime you need me."

I had merely nodded, having nothing really to say at the time. It just… it felt like there weren't quite the right words to be found. So I had allowed him to help me onto my feet and then simply threw my arms around him in a tight hug. And when he hugged me back it was probably the most secure I had felt since I got back.

"She was just screwing with us right?" I whispered, voice trembling. "It was all just her trying to get to us. The machine, supposedly cutting me open, baiting you with your death. It had to be."

"It was," he concluded, though he didn't sound convinced in the slightest. "It had to be."

I pulled away, nodding in agreement. I wasn't convinced either though. And with that I had exited, only seeing Coulson a few times so he could check in on my progress. There had been many offer placed on the table- that I go to counseling at the Hub but I refused to leave the Bus and online counseling but that had ended awfully. He would even ask if I needed to talk when he woke me up the few times- the fact that he heard me at all meant he must have left his office to check on me. But I'd shake my head and then he'd respect my choice by heading out. I hoped he knew it wasn't anything personal. I didn't feel like talking to anyone about any of it. I had started out thinking it was to put it behind me but I was realizing now it was because I felt like I was drowning and I sure as hell didn't want to pull anyone down with me if I could.

I rose from the bathroom floor with a sigh and made my way over to the sink. My hair hung wet and limp at the side of my face, sending a shiver down my spine as I thought about being dunked in the water and almost drowning. I grabbed the sink tightly as I forced a few deep breaths, looking at the stranger in the mirror with bags under her eyes doing the same. Then the memories of drowning shifted to another one I hadn't experienced, my veins becoming cold as ice. My steady breathing became stagnant as I swore I had the feeling of my lungs filling with water. The back of my brain knew it was just a memory and wasn't real, but the rest of me was locked in the emotion that I was dying yet again. And at that moment I was officially done with the whole thing.

"No!" I shouted, swinging my fist into the stranger staring at me as if they were responsible. There was a crack and then everything fell away as quickly as it had come. My lungs were breathing easily again and the situation I had just been slid from my mind as the speed which it had come. It was like returning to my body again. I winced and looked down to see my hand was bleeding slightly. I looked back up to see my face distorted by the ripple of cracks in the center of the mirror, guilt washing over me. I was going to have to explain this one to everyone in the morning. I'd offer to pay to replace it when we landed with whatever salary I wasn't receiving.

I forced myself to tear myself away from the mirror and the guilt at my violent outburst, glad it was just a mirror and not someone actually trying to comfort me. I changed into my new pair of pajamas, carelessly leaving my other pair on the floor to deal with in the morning. I figured no one would fault me too much. And not wanting to cause anymore issues I made my way into the living area, curling up into a tight ball on the couch and hoping my screams wouldn't carry as well here if they came.

Who was I kidding? They were coming.

XXX

I was running. I was running as fast as I could, blowing past anyone who tried to stop me. That feeling of loss and guilt hung in my chest, making it hard to breathe.

And then I threw open the door and just as I was catching my breath, tears in my eyes, the light found me. Blinded me. Changed everything.

XXX

I hit something solid, scratching and clawing as something fought me. "Ash. It's just me. Ash. Stop. You're okay." It took me a minute to register the voice through my haze of fighting from my life, but soon everything came into focus. I was now on the floor, hand on Fitz's chest and pinning him to the ground. His hands were comically raised in the air and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I noticed the harsh red scratch marks that were now present on the stubble of his jaw.

I quickly pulled my hand back into my chest, tears already starting as I realized what I had just done. "Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know- I was- and there was- "

But of course I couldn't explain because it was all gone already, leaving me with nothing I could offer Fitz in way of explanation. I just pulled myself back towards the couch, trying to make myself as small as possible. I had just hurt a member of my team. I had just hurt Fitz. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry." I was blubbering now, emotions rippling through me in the most exhausting manner. I was just so tired.

He didn't hesitate in pulling me into him for a crushing hug, kissing the top of my head gently. "Hey, it's okay Ash. It was a nightmare. You were somewhere else and I startled you. Just take some deep breaths, okay? Take a few deep breaths and calm down. You're okay. You're safe."

I had a lot of words like this thrown at me since my return, but Fitz seemed to be the only one that had any actual effect on my mood swings and muddled head. His voice was the only one that cut through the darkness. But he was also in a way the hardest one to be around at all. Because the fact of the manner was I had stolen his best friend from him. I had her kidnapped and she hadn't returned to the Bus when it was all over. All he had received was a shell, and nothing filled me with more guilt than that.

So our relationship had become a bit complicated to say the least. I needed and wanted him around so desperately. I wanted to spend every waking moment at his side and allow his strength to inspire the strength I needed to finally banish whatever this was from me. But at the same time I saw the looks and frowns when I wasn't myself. I saw how hard this was on him to be with the person who wore my face but had been turned inside out. He was trying so hard, but he missed the jokes and ease we used to have. He missed Ash, because in a way I was just Ashleigh now. So I tried to give him the space I felt he needed so wasn't torturing him so much. He always had to come to me rather than me coming to him. It only seemed fair.

Which meant that Girl Talk was permanently on hold… perhaps forever. He hadn't mentioned it and I wasn't making the effort to bring it up either. He was waiting for me to be ready. Maybe he knew what it was all really about. But I wasn't at all. And the reason was simple. This isn't who he wanted to be with in a relationship. We both knew it. And if I asked… it would be unfair to him whatever way he answered. He could say no and though I would understand my devastation would be all too real. I was already on the edge of something and he'd feel responsible if I fell off. And if he said yes, well most of me would bet it was because he was afraid of sending me off the edge. Both option meant he would feel responsible for what was happening to me. I would only be starting the conversation to get it off my chest. And I couldn't be selfish like that when it came to Fitz and his happiness.

I cared about him too much.

So I did what I needed to do. I needed to keep that distance. I needed to protect him. I got enough control of myself that I pulled back, avoiding looking him in the eye. "You should go back to bed. I'll be fine. We know how this works by now. I'm-"

"I know what you're going to say… and you are anything but fine, Ash. You haven't been fine since we got you out of that desert and you know it. You're… you're not helping anyone by lying. It doesn't help you and it doesn't make us any less worried about you." I finally looked up at him to see his face was squared in determination. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me something that's true. Something about how you're really feeling."

I could tell this was one of those battles I wasn't going to win. There was genuinely no way to chase him off in the immediate future when he had made up his mind like he had now. Fitz in a lot of ways was just as stubborn as I was- I just didn't have the energy for it this time unfortunately.

I took a deep breath, hand playing with the white bandage again as I had taken to doing. I had to force some sort of sentence out… no matter how hard or pathetic it made me look. "Well, I sort of… I had a memory in the bathroom… and I broke the mirror."

It hadn't been what he was expecting. "You… you broke the mirror? Wait, when did this happen?"

"Just a little bit ago. I woke up from a nightmare and went in there to get myself together." His hands reached out and grabbed both of mine, turning them over and finding the right one had spots of dried blood about the knuckles. His frown deepened and when I tried to pull them away he wouldn't let me. "It's nothing. If anything I feel bad the team is going to be without a mirror for a while. I promise I'll pay for the new one though… with the money I'm not sure if I'm making or not."

"We should get you cleaned up." His fingers ghosted over my knuckles and a familiar chill went down my spine. The kind that made me aware of just how close we were right now, huddled together on the floor in front of the couch. It would be so easy to just lean in, so I had to force myself to pull back a bit.

"No. It'll wait until the morning."

"Ash, there could be glass in here. We should wake Simmons- "

"No!" I shouted, louder than I intended and from a place deep within me that made is so much harsher than I would have expected. I wrested my hand away from him and pulled it to my chest. "No. Leave me alone!" I stared at him for a long moment as his hands went up silently in a peaceful gesture, eyes never leaving me. Mine found the scratches I had put on his cheek and just like that the spell was broken. The anger completely dissipated.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, tears starting again. I was running out of patience with myself. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry."

Just like that he pulled me in again and I let myself crash into his chest, my arm wedged between us. He shushed me softly, slightly rocking the two of us until my inane babbling stopped. He kept going, whispering things I didn't quite register but was struck by the comforting tone of them. Breathing seemed to get easier and that weight in my chest lightened just enough I realized how tired I truly was. Despite my desire to keep far away from him still, to keep him safe from how destructive I was, I completely gave up on fighting him off in any capacity. I didn't have the energy nor desire to. Instead, I just let him hold me as he leaned against the couch, whispering away, until my crying stopped and I drifted off once again.

XXX

I awoke to the sun shining on my face, causing me to blink several times and squint until I had some time to adjust. Somehow the sun had penetrated the window at just the right angle. I briefly considered the entire universe was conspiring against me, but then recalled a nightmare might have come on if I was out any longer.

I realized I was back on the couch, legs curled up on myself like I was in a little ball. I stretched them to try and ease them a bit before sitting up- blanket that had mysteriously appeared falling to the floor. I blinked a few more times and stretched my arms, noticing I had actually been sleeping on a pillow this time as well. A pillow that I knew had come from Fitz's room.

I heard voices coming from the direction of the kitchen and realized that the usual present hum of the engines was no longer present. We had landed. Maybe it was just to refuel, but my curiosity instantly had me questioning if we finally had a new assignment. I rose to my feet and made my way for the kitchen, for some reason taking the pillow with me. Rather than walk right in I tucked into the corner, hanging out for now. It smelled like Skye had cooked up another storm for breakfast.

"It seems like it was planted in the filter days before, like someone was waiting for those specific Cadets," Ward's voice said clearly. Well, it looks like we did have a mission.

"Well, as far as they can tell," Fitz explained, "The device uses a crystalline nucleation process she designed."

"And a delivery mechanism he invented," Simmons added. "That's why we're being asked to consult on the investigation." There was a brief pause. "Should we wake her up? You went through all the trouble of making this."

"Let her get as much sleep as she can," Skye disagreed. I got the feeling this was a conversation they've had many times these past few weeks. "We know she needs it. Back on track though… so we're going to the Academy?"

"Science and technology division," Ward answered. "Cadets are pretty shaken up over what happened. Agent Weaver asked if you two could speak to the student body, potentially calm them down."

"Of course," came Simmons again. "The talk. We've all heard the talk."

"I haven't," Skye reminded her.

"I guess you will," Ward told his prodigy.

"Well, I've heard a lot about the Academy. I'm excited to finally see it."

At that moment I stepped into the kitchen, all eyes focusing on me instantly. "Me too," I agreed. I placed the pillow on the counter and suddenly it was as if you could hear a pin drop. I grimaced but tried to play it safe as I climbed into a seat at the island. "Um, good morning everyone?"

And just like that they were all speaking at once, a wall of voices hitting me. Simmons was mentioning stealing me once all of this was done to look at my wrist, Skye was shoveling what looked to be apple cinnamon waffle onto my plate, and Ward just started going on about how they were going to let me sleep longer before ending with asking if I was okay. Fitz was the only one who stayed silent, sipping his tea as his eyes pierced right into me.

I forced the smile on my face. "Will do, Jemma. Thank you, Skye. And yes, Ward. Yes, I am." I took a fork and picked the smallest piece of the pancake I could muster.

"Don't worry about going slow," Skye spoke up. "I have plenty more where that came from."

"Thanks," I nodded gratefully. Everyone was still staring, and I realized something I wanted to address. "I want to apologize for the state of the mirror in the bathroom. It was a… rough night. Nothing I can't handle though," I tried to assuage them. It didn't appear to be working.

"It's fine," Fitz finally dismissed the situation. "We can get it patched up while we're at the Academy."

"Yes," I nodded. "I should hop in the shower as soon as I'm done here so I can get ready." Again with the staring as I took another small fraction of the pancake. "What?"

"Are… are you sure that's a good idea?" Simmons spoke up. I just stared at her and she drew back a bit, unsure how to proceed.

"I'm fine," I recited, trying to make it seem true. "I'm ready to get back in there."

She just looked at me, clearly uncomfortable. Then something behind her made her perk up. "Why don't we ask Agent May?" We all turned to see her making her way through the kitchen towards Coulson's office, pausing to look at us. "Agent May- "

"We will drop you off, and then Coulson and I have other matters to attend to," she made clear, before landing her eyes on me. She didn't even hesitate. "Crawford stays on the Bus though."

"May-!"

"That is not up for discussion."

"May, I'm fine."

"You've been using those words so much I think you've lost track of what they really mean." She started heading out and I could tell the others were relieved. "Because the mirror in the bathroom tells me otherwise." She was gone before I could open my mouth again, and even then I knew it was useless. I was not wearing her down. I still couldn't stand the thought of my team going without me though, no matter what state I was in. I could keep it together for them. At least, I think I could.

I turned back to my pancake, Ward put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Sorry, Crawford. It's for the best though. Maybe next time? I've been an Agent for a while and this will only be my first time at Sci-Tech." I shrugged his hand off.

"Never?" Skye inquired. "Huh. The different S.H.I.E.L.D. academies don't interact."

Fitz scoffed, but it was Ward who spoke. "Not much. Academy of communications does."

"Oh, Ashleigh's fake alma mater!" Skye tried to cheer me up. I pushed the pancake away, only having taken about six bites of it.

"Ash is much different than anyone in that place though." Fitz slid the plate back towards me. "They're all very… well, it's the easiest to get into is all I'll say."

"Operations is the most aggressive program," Ward made clear. "More people wash out of operations than the other academies. I get a feeling Crawford would fit in better there."

"Or she might be in the one that's the hardest to get into," Simmons countered with narrowed eyes. "She is very smart after all."

"I'm picking up on the rivalry between science and operations." Skye took my plate away with a sigh, seeing I clearly wasn't going to be having anymore. "What do you think May and Coulson are up to? He hasn't left his office in a while."

"Whatever it is, we'll leave them to it. We have to focus on figuring out what's going on at the Academy. We should get ready to head out." Everyone seemed to agree, staring to clean up their belongings. He looked at me once again. "Just take it easy, Crawford. Maybe try and get some more sleep. We can watch a movie when get back tonight, alright?"

I forced a nod and he seemed to take this as his cue. Simmons reminded me to meet her in the lab after my shower before taking off to get some things packed in the lab. Fitz paused before he followed her.

"Thanks for the pillow," I spoke up, realizing he was probably sticking behind because of me. "It made the couch a lot more comfortable."

"I'm glad," he smiled, taking it from the counter. "You know; Simmons can give the speech herself if you need- "

"No," I shook my head. "You go and be your brilliant self. Show those kids how it's done."

He nodded, scratching behind his ear. "Call me if you need anything though… like anything. I can get back to the Bus pretty quick if you need me too."

"Thanks Lee." He stood there for a moment before patting the top of my hand from across the counter and then heading out, leaving only myself and Skye. I made to stand up, plan already forming, only to pause at her voice.

"You're going to Coulson… right?" She turned, crossing her arms. "There's only one way to go above May's orders. And that's to talk to him." I went to question her, but she just tilted her head to the side. "It's what I would do."

"I need to be there," I argued. "I should be there. Coulson counts on me to look out for you guys."

"Ashleigh, you look like you're about to fall over. You don't eat, you can barely sleep, you walk around like a zombie… you're not yourself." I flinched at the words. She had no idea how true they were. "And we all get why. You went through hell in that house. We don't blame you. And no one will blame you for missing one assignment. Anything it takes to get you back."

There was a long pause as she stared at me. I had fixed my gaze on a corner of the counter, examining every inch of it from top to bottom in the most agonizing matter. I was trying not to let her words sink in at all, but how could they not when I had thought them myself. Still, I remained firm in my desire to get out there and protect my team.

"You know; the only things we know about what happened to you in there are based on Simmons's physical. We know about the tattoo, which is horrifying still to even consider, and the scrapes and the bruises. We can imagine how they came to be. But you haven't said a word about it to any of us about it. And that doesn't seem… I think you need to talk to someone. And it doesn't have to be us or a therapist. But I think letting some of what's inside of you out… what you're holding onto, I think it might help a lot."

"I'll keep that in mind," was the only answer I could think to give. I didn't plan on talking to anyone, placing this burden I was carrying on them. I could handle it myself. I had to handle it myself.

With that, I made my way up the stairs and poked my head in with a knock to Coulson's office. He and May paused from some files they were considering to look up at me. "Crawford?" Coulson inquired, face instantly drawn with concern.

"Sorry to bother you sir, but I just wanted… I was hoping I could go with the others to the Academy rather than remain on the Bus." His expression immediately became drawn and I was aware of May staring me down as well. I tried to remain calm as I continued. "I just… I think I could definitely benefit from some time away from the Bus. I've been on here a few weeks and I think I'm getting claustrophobic. I need some breathing room and some time to distract myself from what happened. I need to distract myself. I'm sure you can understand that."

Still nothing. This was harder than I thought. "I promise I won't get involved with the assignment. I just want to get some air. The others can keep an eye out for me. I will literally walk away from trouble if it finds me. Promise." I took a deep breath. "I need this, Coulson. I don't… I need to do this."

He stared at me for what seemed like forever, and I was starting to squirm just a bit. "You will keep a respectful distance and let Fitz-Simmons handle this one with Ward. Stay back with Skye, no matter how much you want to be involved. If I hear any word from any of them about you- I will give the order for you to have a seat in an office somewhere until we return."

"Understood," I agreed, trying to ignore May's dark look.

"And if I hear you didn't stay in said office, I will have no choice but to take you to the Hub to stay with them until they clear you to rejoin us." Oh boy, he meant business. Well, it's a good thing I wasn't planning on disobeying him then.

"Understood, sir," I repeated. I nodded my head at him. "Thank you for understanding." I started to back off, but paused. "Sorry about the mirror. I'll pay for the repairs, I promise."

I quickly hopped in the shower before throwing on jeans and boots with a red shirt and light windbreaker jacket. Coulson still owed me that new pair of sneakers. I was throwing up my hair in a ponytail as I came to approach the rest of the team lowering the cargo ramp to walk the short distance to the Academy. Ward was back in his finest suit while the rest were dressed in their usual casual attire. I think someone was taking it a bit too seriously.

"Coulson cleared me," I put up my hands. "I stay out of things but I get to come. You're to call him if I have any problems and I'll get deported back here. I just want some fresh air and time off the Bus. That's it."

It was surprisingly Ward who spoke first. "Should've seen that coming," he grumbled before starting down the cargo ramp. Everyone followed suit without a word. So I shoved my hands in my jacket pocket and started hiking. Fitz put an arm over my shoulder, not saying anything but somehow saying everything. That he was scared, that he didn't like this, but that he respected me and my decision. He'd stand by me if it had any chance of helping me through this.

We came quickly to a large white building of what looked to be four of five floors, other smaller ones scattered about behind it, with many people about my age milling about, sitting in the grass with books or walking from one building to another at a brisk pace. They all looked so normal. I had never quite had a chance to miss out on the fact that I had never taken the usual path, that I had never been to any Academy. But now I felt I slight inkling of regret that I never got to take the normal path. I never got to learn.

"This was the SSR facility before S.H.I.E.L.D. was even founded," Simmons lectured as everyone looked the place over as I was. "SSR stands for- "

"Scientific strategic reserve," Skye answered with an almost roll of her eyes. I had been tempted to join, but I wasn't pushing any envelope if I could help it. Keep my mouth shut and my eyes on my team. "Yeah, I know. Is this where you got all your PhD's?"

"Oh, no, you need at least one to get through the door," Simmons bragged.

Fitz dropped his arm from my shoulder, turning to the member on the other side of the line we had formed. "Is science and technology what you imagined, Agent Ward?"

He nodded. "Yep… no uniforms, no rope course, no defined muscularity on anyone."

I would have punched him if I was closer. Sure, these guys didn't seem as action-oriented as himself and May, but that didn't make them any less. They all had the brains behind them. And Fitz had taught me many times that brains were just as necessary to be an Agent.

"No marching in place," Fitz countered, nudging me. It nearly sent me toppling, but I managed to hold on. He looked at me concerned but I waved him off. "No… no IQ's in double digits."

Just then, a black woman approached a group with a warm smile on her face. She was dressed very sharply, giving the look of someone in charge but also warm if on her good side. "There they are," she greeted warmly. "So good to see you."

She shook both of their hands, and I was surprised to see she didn't skip myself in the middle. I liked her already, noticing she had Fitz-Simmons trust as well from their compliments.

She then turned her attention to Ward, shaking his hand as well. "Agent Ward. Pleasure to have you, sir."

"Agent Weaver," he politely addressed her- on his best behavior. "There's a list of suspects?"

Leave it to Ward to get right down to business. I couldn't help but almost roll my eyes. "Based on the level of intelligence it would take to put a device together like the one we found, we've narrowed it down to the top ten percent of our Cadets." She frowned, making her face much more severe. "I'm worried there's a bad seed."

"Ops and sciences have differences, but both have to be careful about what we call 'bad seeds'." Ward was giving Skye a lecture it seemed. "People who want to use the tools we give them for…"

"'Bad seed' isn't a S.H.I.E.L.D. term Ward," Skye cut him off. "Just a term." Good on you, Skye.

Ward didn't say anything, just turned back to Weaver. "I know you've already questioned the victim, but I have a few questions I'd like to ask him myself." I instantly craved to be in on that interrogation, but I bit my lip to keep from speaking up. I wasn't here to work. I was here for air. Keep it together.

"I'll arrange for you to talk to Seth Dormer when he's out of class. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get Agents Fitz and Simmons settled into the lecture hall."

"And Agent Crawford," Fitz added, pointing to me. "She's staying with us and will be sitting in on the lecture."

"Very well," Weaver nodded. "Follow me." Fitz and Simmons started to follow her towards the large building and I went to follow.

"Looks like he's not letting you out of his sight," Skye quipped. I didn't say anything, following silently behind the group as they chattered away about what Fitz-Simmons had been up to since graduation. I then realized that I had no clue what the assignment we were on pertained. I know it had involved scientists and tech doing something to hurt someone, but I hadn't time to get into the details. Maybe this lecture to clear that us because it was pretty embarrassing at the moment.

Fitz kept looking over his shoulder to make sure I was there and I smiled every time. Here he was looking out for me just as much as I was for him. For a moment it almost felt like nothing had changed at all.

We arrived in a huge hall with many rows of seats on an incline from ground level with a podium and flag. Weaver started speaking about their speech and I took my cue to find a seat in the very back, looking over all the gathered students as they came flooding in over the next half hour. Even Skye took one a few rows from the front once things were about to start. Nothing caught my eye per say. Not that anything should be catching my eye I suppose.

Weaver took the podium at the foot of all the seats, and the room instantly quieted in respect. She gave a warm smile before beginning. "Today, we're proud to welcome back two of S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy's finest, our youngest graduates to date." I wasn't surprised. Fitz was my brilliant genius after all. There was nothing he couldn't do. "You know their names. Please join me in welcoming back Agent Leopold Fitz and Agent Jemma Simmons."

The applause was large and welcoming as the two rose to take the podium, clearly in their element despite being in front of everyone. I clapped myself, happy to cheer the two on. Fitz instantly found me, as if confirming I was still there. I gave the smallest wave, yawning despite myself. I had been out for about an hour and it already felt like an action-packed day. I forced my eyes to stay open though as Simmons began.

"Thank you, Agent Weaver. It's nice to be back. Unfortunately, is has to be under these circumstances."

Fitz picked right up. "If you don't know the history of S.H.I.E.L.D. by now, there's no excuse… unless you fell asleep in Professor Vaughn's class… that's a perfectly acceptable excuse." Everyone broke out into the laughter signaling an inside joke while I was quickly losing the battle with keeping my eyes open as they continued. There was something about Hydra and plutonium and the rest kind of slipped through my fingers as I leaned against my hand. Five minutes wouldn't kill me. There wouldn't be any nightmares in five minutes.

"Oh God." My eyes instantly sprang open. "Oh god! What is this?!" Everyone started to make noises of confusion, but I was already starting down the stairs. "Hey, what's happening to me?!" I could see it now, a kid stepping out of one of the rows as a cracking sound started. Everyone was beginning to panic now, moving away from him. "Help me!" I came to a stop on the same step as him, young kid with very short dark hair and large scared eyes. "Help me!"

The cracking sound increased and I could now see a layer of ice was beginning to cover him from his feet up, and it was moving fast. "It's going to be okay," I assured him, trying to calm him down. "You're going to be alright.

"Get it off!" he shouted, wrapping his arm around my injured wrist. I grimaced in pain, but fought through it.

"It's okay. We'll figure something out. My friends will figure something out." The ice engulfed his hand now and the grip at my wrist became tight as a vice, making me almost drop in agony. His eyes were locked on mine now, and I held them. At least he wasn't screaming anymore, despite everyone else seeming to. "You're going to be fine!"

And with that, his face was covered and he was engulfed in this ice chrysalis. "Ash!" Fitz was instantly at my side, noting that I was trapped now by his frozen hand. "Okay. Okay. We need to get you out of there."

"Lee, don't worry about me. We have to save this kid first. This can't be good for him."

"Find exposed skin," Simmons went for a case by the stairs. "He needs glucose to raise his body's natural freezing point."

He nodded, getting his head straight with a shake. "Simmons, I need something to break the ice." Everyone was still murmuring and panicking as she handed him some sort of tool, syringe in her hand. "Ready?"

"Yeah." And with that he broke away a patch at his neck, allowing Simmons to inject her syringe. My hand was starting to go numb in a burning fashion. I bit my lip to keep from making noise. I wasn't the focus right now.

It was at that moment Ward came barreling down the stairs. "Fitz, talk to me."

"Something's doing this to him. Find it." Ward and Skye started searching and quickly seemed to find something suspicious. When inquiring what to do next, Fitz lashed out at them from his spot next to me. His hand had laced itself through my other one and accepted my squeezing it like a vice without complaint. "Smash the damn thing!"

They must have because the ice instantly started cracking away to expose a very frosty person beneath. Fitz released my hand to go around behind him, the rest of the team crowding in as well. The kid started to fall down with a groan, pulling me with him. Fitz managed to lower him gently and I fell on top of the both of them in the most ungraceful manner possible.

I quickly scrambled off, pulling my hand free to grab his upper arm. "It's okay. It's okay," Fitz assured him gently as I rubbed the hand up and down. I was struck by how much he looked like Fitz with his button-up shirt, tie, and sweater. There was applause coming from somewhere which was honestly kind of irking me right now more than anything. "It's over." He was breathing so heavily it was starting to worry me.

I took initiative, moving my head forward so it was nearly touching his. "Okay. Okay. Listen, breathe with me okay," I recited the only thing I could remember from my brief stint in therapy. "In." I took a deep breath in and he thankfully followed. "Out." I let it out and he did the same. "In. Out. There we go. In. Out. In. Out." Slowly, his breathing started to return to normal, eyes scrunched closed. "What's your name?"

"Donnie," he managed. "Donnie Gill."

I pulled my head back from his, putting some space between us. I gave him a warm smile. "Well, Donnie, he's right. It's over and you're safe now. Just like I promised. You did great."

"We need to get everyone cleared out," Ward commented.

"Go ahead," I prompted, swinging around so I was sitting next to Donnie now with my feet hanging off the stair. My hand went from his arm to drape around his shoulder. "I'll stick with Donnie here for now." So much for not getting involved. But they weren't getting me away from this kid now if they wanted to. Call it protective instincts kicking back in.

They seemed to accept this and took to ushering everyone out of the hall. I kept my spot next to Donnie though. I soon realized he had no clue who I was though. "I'm Ashleigh," I informed them. "I'm here with Fitz and Simmons."

"Thank you," he finally spoke up, voice quiet and introspective. Perhaps a little shier than Fitz. "Thank you for helping me." His eyes looked down and widened dramatically. "Oh no. I hurt you."

I looked down to see blood had seeped through the bandage, though perhaps not as bad as it would have been weeks ago thankfully. "No. No. I already… it wasn't your fault. You were scared and you had no idea. And it doesn't hurt very much. I promise."

"Well, that seemed to work last time so I'll take your word for it." There he was. I knew there was a personality hiding down there. "I am sorry for the trouble though."

"No trouble. Just my job." He smiled just a hint at this, only to go back to neutral as Skye came to join the group of us. She handed him a hot chocolate which he took with a silent nod of appreciation. It was like a turtle who had climbed right back into his shell.

"Donnie, you can't think of anyone here who'd want to hurt you?" she asked, trying to soft and sweet.

He responded quietly. "I don't know anyone." Just a sad, lonely kid.

Weaver came to stand before us. "Donnie, I'm gonna have you escorted back to your room. You get some rest and stay warm." I pulled my hand away and he rose silently, slowly making his way to exit. He paused before Fitz and Simmons though.

"Sorry I ruined your lecture. I was really looking forward to it." Oh, this kid was melting my heart.

"It's not your fault, Donnie," Simmons reassured him. Once he filed out we all circled up at the front of the room.

"No genetic materials or prints found on the device," Fitz informed Weaver. "The components are rare and expensive."

Simmons clearly agreed. "Freshman pranks are tradition, but these are something else."

"Attempted murder," Weaver voiced what everyone was thinking.

"So, Donnie was the intended target all along?" Ward questioned. "He have anything in common with the Cadets at the pool?" Wow, I really need to catch up on the details here.

"These kids were popular," Weaver put it kindly. "Donnie was…"

"Not," Skye finished.

"He's just shy," I cut in defensively, surprising everyone from the look they gave me. I shrunk back a bit, remembering I wasn't supposed to be involved.

Weaver continued. "Donnie hadn't made any enemies here, but he hadn't made any friends either."

Simmons looked sympathetic. "He had a hard time adjusting? How old is he?"

"Eighteen, youngest since you guys. 190 IQ and failing out of high school when we met him."

"Probably bored out of his mind," Fitz supplied. I got the feeling he understood.

"Mhm. If things went well, we were considering graduating him early and assigning him to the Sandbox." That sounded pretty perfect for him honestly. The kid was too smart not to move on to bigger things. I could tell.

"Wow," Simmons seemed to read my mind. "Well, he would love it there."

"But he doesn't like it here, so I'm afraid he'll wash out," Weaver admitted sadly. Oh, I hoped not. I felt like I needed to talk to Donnie again. We seemed to hit it off- as much as an icicle and the person he ensnared could.

"Maybe that was the idea," Ward speculated. "Agent Weaver, keep working with investigations… interviewing Cadets, instructors."

"Of course." She left just our team standing in the circle, contemplating our next move.

"And us?" Skye voiced.

"Their interviews won't bear fruit," Ward supplied once Weaver had exited. "We teach Cadets to keep secrets. Where did you guys hand out when you wanted to get away from the faculty?"

Simmons paused, looking at Fitz. "Can I tell someone from operations?"

He gave her a look. "Yes, because we need to conduct our own investigation."

"Well then. Follow me." Simmons started out and the rest of us followed, only for Ward to grab my arm. I let out a groan.

"It was an accident. I swear." He was staring at me intensely, like he was looking into me somehow. His eyes went to my wrist. "Ward, please don't kick me out." I twirled my wrist for emphasis, hating myself for the wince I clearly made.

"Crawford…"

"Please. I'll just follow you guys. Won't contribute anything. I'll even wait outside… away from everything. And if I need to crash… I will crash. Scout's honor."

He stared at me for another long moment and I turned to see the whole team watching as they waited by the door. He seemed to lock onto Skye who gave the smallest of nods. "I'm so going to regret this but… fine."

"Thank you." With that taken care of, we followed Simmons back towards the front of the building and stepped out into the bright sun.

"What will we do when we get there?" Simmons inquired.

"We mingle, low key. You and Skye get comfortable with the students… see if you can get them gossiping. Skye looks young enough to blend in."

Skye almost looked offended. "You're not exactly old man river, and Fitz looks younger than us." Notice there was no mention of me. Not that I wanted to be in this one.

"Time will come when you won't make fun of me for that," Fitz carried on as we started down the stairs. "You'll be jealous. You'll be jealous, wrinkly old hags."

Ward came to a stop. "I want Fitz to go talk to Donnie."

"What?" the genius inquired, not expecting that.

"Donnie's withdrawn, might know more than he's letting on. You're a hero here, Fitz. He looks up to you. Go hang out with him. Even if he has no clue who might be after him, he could use a friend."

Simmons's smile couldn't be wider. "That is a wonderful idea."

Fitz seemed to agree. "Ward has them from time to time. I'm taking- "

"He's taking Ashleigh," I piped in, knowing exactly where this was going.

"You're taking Crawford and keeping her out of trouble," Ward followed suit. "The two of you might be a good combination with him."

"Might?" Fitz scoffed. "Come on, Ashleigh. Let's show Mr. Operations how it's done." I took my spot at his side, excited to be helping in even a small way. "We'll meet you later." We started off towards the dorms the two of us, Fitz nudging me with his shoulder. "How are we holding up?"

"Honestly… better than I have in a while. I think getting off the Bus did me some real good."

He couldn't hide his smile if he wanted to. And for once I found myself smiling back. "And the wrist? I know that must have hurt."

"Not going to lie, it did. But it's mostly faded now. We're just lucky it's mostly healed since… since." And just like that, it was like a little blanket had been thrown over me to make breathing harder. "It's hurt a lot worse I supposed." I tried to shake it clear, returning to the mood I had been in before.

Fitz had noticed the shift and seemed to be mentally kicking himself. "You know, back there when you were defending Donnie… I think that was the most I've seen of you in a while. I was getting worried."

I know what he was trying to do. But somehow it seemed to do the opposite, making me pull into myself a little more. It made me remember what I had put everyone through these last few weeks and the guilt came sliding back in. I felt the tears creeping up. "I'm so sorry- "

"Oh God, Ash. No. I didn't mean it like that. That was… that was the wrong thing to say."

I shrugged, forcing myself to try and seem like it hadn't bothered me. I couldn't make him feel any guiltier. "It's fine. I'm fine." He sighed. We walked the rest of the way in silence, Fitz tracking down Donnie's room pretty easily. I tried to shake that cloud loose, but it only seemed to get stronger with each step. There was that familiar twisting in my chest as I recalled Po hovering behind me, honestly looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't.

What the hell was I doing here? I honestly just wanted to be curled up in bed right now rather than drag everyone down with all this. They were wasting valuable time looking after me.

Fitz knocked on the door and a very confused Donnie opened it moments later. I forced my smile back on, protective instincts for this kid flaring and keeping the darkness at bay for now. "Donnie," I greeted.

"Ashleigh. Agent Fitz, sir."

Fitz waved his hand, clearly flattered. "Oh please. Call me Fitz. Mind if we come in?"

He blinked, taking us both in. "Yeah… no. I mean, no. I don't." He opened the door and we both stepped in. It was a tidy little space with merely a dresser, bed, and desk. Though he seemed to have covered everything with models and blueprints, including the walls. We both took a look around, myself not understanding a lick of it.

"Okay, my room was just like this, except, um, um, there was a lot more laundry on the floor." Fitz laughed to himself while Donnie seemed to have his attention on me.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine," I lied yet again. "Can I sit for a minute?" I gestured to the bed. "If you don't mind."

"Of course." I perched myself on the edge, letting out a deep breath. "You feeling better?"

"Yeah. Thanks again." He looked down, and again I was struck by how shy and awkward the kid was.

There was a beat of silence before Fitz spoke. "You know; you shouldn't be afraid to tell us if you think someone could be targeting you."

Donnie shook his head. "I'm not. It was… it was probably just a prank. Freshmen get pranked."

"I remember vividly, but that doesn't mean that every freshman needs to be thawed." Fitz noticed something on the wall and was instantly drawn to it. "Is that a design for organic light-emitting diodes?"

"For active camouflage, I'm thinking." Great. Now I was losing them to another language. I had no hope of following this conversation if I wanted to. It was like watching two Fitz's just bounce things off one another. And maybe that was how I viewed Donnie, a tiny more fragile version of Fitz. I leaned against the wall, feeling how dead tired I was catching up with me again. I felt my eyes drifting shut on their own accord.

"Right, Ash?"

"Huh?" I snapped them open, leaning forward to see the two of them.

"I was telling Donnie he should stick around the Academy. That he'd find a friend."

I nodded instantly. "Yes. I have every faith that someone like you has a lot to offer people. If there's hope for Lee, then there's certainly hope for you."

"She's very funny," Fitz quipped. "Actually, we were going to meet our team in the boiler room… if you'd like to join."

"Uh, maybe later. I'm gonna draw up some of those changes."

"Later it is." Fitz went for the door, stopping in front of me.

"I think I'm going to stick around for a few. Don't know if I quite have the energy for a party." I could see he was conflicted, so I covered one of his hands with mine. "I think I might just head to the office honestly. I hate admitting it, but I might be done for today."

I could see the relief course through him. "Alright. I'll let the team know." He opened the door, but paused. "Be safe."

"Always." Once he was out the door, I turned to see Donnie looking at me. "Maybe once upon a time," I admitted, knowing exactly what he was thinking. "Unfortunately, I got a bit screwed up a few weeks ago and I think I ruined our chances."

He regarded me for a moment, clearly unsure what to do about this whole situation. "Is that what happened to your wrist?"

I looked at it, memory floating back to me of the agony I had endured. I forced it down, realizing I probably just looked like a crazy person to this kid. "Yeah, but it's really a long, complicated story." He accepted that, turning back to mess with something at his lab bench. I heard him hum to himself for a moment.

"What are you humming?"

He instantly froze. "Just… just something by a band you've probably never heard of."

"I haven't heard of a lot of bands. But I'm always willing to try something new."

"Of Monsters and Men. The song's called Little Talks, but really their whole album is great."

I nodded, storing that away. "Awesome. I will look them up as soon as I'm back." He smiled shyly before going back to his work, this time sans humming.

I was tempted to stop there and let him work in peace, but for the first time I was also tempted to explain myself. I wanted to tell him why I had never heard about this band. I mean, Donnie knew nothing about me. He didn't know my story. He wasn't up to his eyeballs in worry for me. He just saw me as the girl who helped him right now. I wasn't really anything to him and despite my protectiveness he really wasn't anything to me right now.

And somehow it made it all the easier to swing and face him with an important question in mind. Skye's words echoed in my head. "Donnie, can… can I talk to you about something? If you don't mind. I don't want to bother you or anything, I just… I have something I think you can help me get off my chest."

"I guess so," came his response after what seemed like forever. He seemed perplexed… and that was just going to get worse. "I mean, you helped me. Is this about what happened to you?"

"Yeah." I took a deep breath, knowing I needed to start at the beginning. "So, I'm actually not an Agent. I'm from the future."

XXX

And there it is. I know a lot of people have been waiting for this one with baited breath and here it finally is. Thank you all so much for you love and overwhelming support. It's great to have such a passionate fan base behind you and I work hard to make sure I live up to that. So thank you and I can't wait for the next round.

Thank you to those who have followed this story in our interim: LunaVonMonroe, livvixxx, 2ndDraft, GrySlyRavHuf23, Secretagentherodragondaydream, Zagilas, litlecruz, kaitycora, ExploderKing, Andy Hearter, pauoagirl, piggythelaw, hecatewrites, XxRikela-chanxX, Killjoy funny man, fanpire.x, YoullBeAvenged (totally read this in Hill's voice), Music4ever19, EvilRandomCrazyIndividual, anitahuggins1996, AveMak, CMPunkOrton, housedayne, ttw3399, and Riley Vaughn.

Thank you to those who count this story among their favorites: BlueMetalXavier, sofialorido995, LunaEvanna Longbottom, Zagilas, ExploderKing, Andy Hearter, XxRikela-chanxX, Killjoy funny man, fanpire.x, YoullBeAvenged, anitahuggins1996, AveMak, ttw3399, and again Riley Vaughn.

And now to those very passionate reviewers for such lovely words and making their voices and thoughts known: Guest, Guest (not sure if the same one), my lovely friend eckles, NessieBooEvans, Guest, YoullBeAvenged, M, simslovr1, VioletKane, TabloidTeen, silent song of shadows, ThisCharmingManda, MulishaMaiden, iblamegreenberg, Arinlianette, WhiteRabbit1231, Bruna Santos 30 my love, livvixxx, victordebilly, mlr96, Lara Barnes, Robyn-in-the-air, and Leopard Feather. Wow. That number is astounding. Thank you all.