Frasier: The Liars Before Christmas

PROLOGUE-(this story is set at the end of the first season of Frasier)

UNCLE AND ANTIBIOTICS

Frasier sat inside his radio booth listening intently to the female voice coming over the radio. The middle aged psychiatrist sat with the large yellow earphones over his ears, and he wore a short sleeved white buttoned up shirt and blue and purple striped tie. Two small blue christmas trees decorated with bright, round blue ornaments, stood at each side of the room way behind Frasier. Ten, large green wreaths hung from the ceiling above the psychiatrist's head. A giant stick on of a cartoon image of Frosty the snowman wearing a small green hat and green scarf and a huge smile on his white face, was located on the glass window behind Frasier. Frasier kept nodding his head as the female voice droned on and on. "So that's the story doc," the lady concluded," my sex life with my husband is going down the tubes right now, because of my attraction to my doctor. I just can't get that tall, robust, dark haired, hunk out of my mind! Everywhere he goes I follow him! I ring up his office every minute every hour, I show up at his house, I send him letters every night. I make obscene phone calls. What do you suggest?" Frasier leaned back in his seat and sighed. "Well April," he huffed into the mike, as he looked straight ahead, "it's not uncommon for patients to become over attached to their caregivers. Next time you have a sexual fantasy, try to put your husband in it, instead of your doctor." "Ok Doc," the woman's voice agreed,"as soon as Jeff and I get out of bed and put our clothes back on, I'll break it off with him and go home to my husband." Frasier's body shook as if jolted by an electric shock. He raised his eyebrows. Then a man's deep voice came on the line. "Thanks doc you been a great help," the man's voice said.

Inside the other booth, Roz Doyle sat wearing a long sleeved white dress and stared in surprise at Frasier, while opening her mouth wide.

Frasier leaned closer to the mike, and his face broke into a grin. "Our next caller is coming through," the psychiatrist announced, "and who have we got next?" "HO,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO!" a man's loud voice, jolly sounding voice boomed over the radio.

In the other booth Roz Doyle chuckled loudly.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" the man's jolly, funny voice shouted from the radio. Frasier grinned widely, chuckled and happily waved his hands about. "Well, well, well, well!" exclaimed the psychiatrist, while beaming, "it seems we have St. Nick himself on the air!" "YOU DO INDEED!" boomed the man's jolly voice, "IT'S SANTA HIMSELF CALLING YOU FROM THE NORTH POLE! DON'T WORRY CHILDREN, I"LL BE VISITING YOUR HOMES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" "Well Santa," chided Frasier as he grinned at the mike in front of his face, "you think you can finally get me that toy fire engine I always wanted?" " ,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO DR. CRANE!" shouted the man's voice in very jolly, happy tone, "you've been such a good shrink, that one fire engine coming up! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!" And with that the voice faded away to the tinkling of sleigh bells.

Frasier was slowly rising from his seat, as he kept looking down at the mike. "And that, everybody, is my last show for the year, untill Feb next year!" announced the radio psychiatrist, smiling, "so hold on to all of your problems for the remainder of the year, and I'd like to wish all my fans a very, very,very ,very Merry Christmas!" And with that Frasier switched off the mike.

Roz Doyle walked into the room and walked up to Frasier. The two faced each other for a minute, then Frasier turned his back on her and bent over to pick up his brown briefcase with both hands. He wore light brown corduroy pants and shoes. "Hey Fraz," said Roz smiling, "don't forget, the end of the year Christmas party starts at seven." Frasier straightened up and turned to smile at his co worker. He nodded. "I'll be here," he told her, "I wouldn't miss that for the world." Frasier then turned and walked towards the door of the booth. "There's going to be eggnog, and gift exchange and mistletoe," Roz said, as her face smiled, "that new sports announcer the station hired, Scott Priotsgo. Six 3, built like a lion. The mistletoe is going to be great!" Roz looked up at the ceiling, grinning while stretching her white sleeved arms outright. Frasier stopped walking and slowly turned to look intrigued at Roz. "Scott Priotsgo?" the psychiatrist confirmed, "the former quarterback for the Green Bay Packers?" Roz just grinned and nodded. "Yup, he's the one!" Frasier smiled at Roz. "Well I can bet your certainly looking forwards to the mistletoe part of the party," he added sarcastically. He then turned and walked towards the door again. "Well I have some Christmas shopping to do, then I'll be back at the station at seven," Frasier said as he walked out of the booth, "hmmmmmmmmm Scott Priotsgo, you don't say?"

ONE-

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE, NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MARIS?

Frasier walked through the busy shopping centre wearing a long, light brown overcoat and carrying a huge red shopping bag (the bag was covered with small illustrations of full colour body shots of Santa Claus walking through the snow), fully of brightly coloured, gift packages of all shapes and sizes. A large, square, green and white striped, gift wrapped present, a long, rectangular package (the light blue wrapping covered with large illustrations of a brown sleigh being pulled by a reindeer across a snowy field), a large, square, blue and green spotted, gift wrapped package. Frasier walked through the gray corridors of the massive shopping mall, with tons of other Christmas shoppers barrelling past him.

Frasier happened to walk past one area of the mall, which had a large white rectangular sign posted over the open entrance way of the area which read-in big, block red letters-MARVEL COMICS CONVENTION: THE X-MEN AVAILABLE FOR COMIC BOOK SIGNING. Frasier moved past a towering, white Christmas tree heavily decorated with green coloured lights and giant sized, green and red, oval shaped ornaments A bright, yellow plastic star was ontop of the tree, and shot a curious glance in the direction of the area of the jam packed shopping mall, hosting the comic book convention.

At that moment, a group of men and women dressed in the same costumes at the X-Men of the comic books, walked calmly out of the area, with the sounds of claps and cheers in the background. Frasier looked the people over as he walked past the towering green Christmas tree. Andy William's voice singing IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, started playing, echoing all about the entire mall. Frasier eyed the X-Men dressed group. A man wearing a black and orange Wolverine costume and mask, followed by a beautiful, long white haired black woman dressed as the X-Men heroine Storm, followed by a man dressed as Nightcrawler, another big man dressed as Colossus, (the usual red and yellow and silver colours as in the comic book) followed by a bald head man wearing a black business suit and tie and sitting in a wheelchair, and then followed by a large man wearing a dark blue furred Beast costume-complete with fake muscles!

When the man in the Beast costume came walking out of the Marvel Comics convention area, Frasier watched the man in shock and pointed his bag free hand at the man. His mouth opened in awe. Then when the man in the dark blue furred Beast costume walked out of sight into the shopping mall, Frasier just shook his head and walked on.

The psychiatrist kept through the busy shopping mall carrying his bag of gifts. He saw gigantic, green wreaths hung on the walls of the corridors. There were bare, small white Christmas trees situated about the mall now and again. There large plastic figures of cartoon reindeer situated about the mall. The voice of Andy Williams kept on singing IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR, throughout the massive shopping complex.

Then Frasier happened across a very curious sight. He came upon a man-a store employee no doubt-sitting on a large, white chair, wearing a red Santa Claus outfit ( a circle of large, plastic figures of white reindeer and snowmen situated all around the chair), and seated on his lap on the right of him was Frasier's brother Niles Crane himself! Niles wore a blue suit and no tie, and black shoes. Fake snowflakes fell upon both the store Santa and the young psychiatrist seated on his lap, from some machine far above hidden in the ceiling of the shopping mall. A small group of children stood nearby the store Santa, and the young psychiatrist laughing loudly, as they watched the grown man talking quietly to the store employee Santa. Frasier frowned and slowly shook his head as he slowly walked up to the two men. Fake snow fell all over Frasier. Christmas shoppers were all coming and going in the background all about the huge shopping complex. Niles was looking into the face of the store Santa, who in turn was smiling broadly at the young psychiatrist under his fake white beard. Frasier walked closer to the two men while frowning at Niles. Niles kept on talking very, very quietly to the store employee Santa Claus while looking into his blue eyes, then he slowly turned his head and looked surprised at Frasier. His face took on a very VERY surprised expression in fact! Frasier scowled a little. "NILES!" he shouted as he glared at his brother, "THIS IS REALLY ABSURB!" Niles continued to look surprised at his brother. The store employee Santa shot a glance at Frasier then looked back at Niles. Niles slowly raised his left hand and waved at his older brother. His face turned red. The sounds of the children nearby giggling. "Uh...hi Frasier," greeted Niles, as he lowered his hand. He slightly nodded. "Uh...look...I can explain, "added the younger psychiatrist. "Please do!" insisted Frasier in surprise and frustration.

Niles got down from the store Santa's lap and took a few steps towards his brother. "HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!" shouted the store employee Santa with a big grin under his fake white beard, "I'LL HAVE THAT IN YOUR STOCKING TONIGHT FOR SURE!HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" The store employee Santa waved his right green mittened hand at Niles, who turned around for a second and waved back. Frasier put his black gloved right hand on Niles left shoulder and spun his younger brother around to face him. "Explain Niles!" demanded Frasier, scowling, "are you having a second babyhood or something?! Are you waiting for the mall to call the men in the white jackets?!" Niles swallowed as he looked into Frasier's eyes. "Ok look, "began the younger psychiatrist nervously, "here's the thing...uh...ok...the other day things went totally rock bottom between Maris and I." "What happened?" Frasier asked, "she didn't catch you nipping at her bottles of sherry, she was given by the royal family at Buckingham Palace last year did she?" inquired Frasier as he looked puzzled at his brother. Niles just shook his head. "No, nothing like that. It started as an argument of where we would go for our Christmas vacation. I wanted us to go to Hawaii this Christmas, but Maris didn't want too...I think she's still scared about last time when she went all the way down in the quicksand, on that tour guided hike in the jungle. " Mmmmmhmmmmm," recalled Frasier, " she ended up going to the airport and sitting on the plane drenched in muck from head to toe. "Niles just nodded. "So she wanted to go to the Swiss Alps instead," Niles continued, "we could spend Christmas in her chalet on that mountain peak. And I said no, I said I wanted to someplace warmer for the holidays, and the argument just escalated from there." Niles shook his head. "She even suggested at one point that we set sail on that new Titantic replica just built-the Titantic 2," added the young psychiatrist. He chuckled a bit then. "She said it would be perfectly safe this time because global warming melted all the icebergs..." "Get to the point!" interrupted Frasier impatiently as he eyed his younger brother, "how did you end up here thinking you were three years old again?!" "Ok, "said Niles as he looked down at his shoes, "anyways the argument just went on and on and on, and finally I went off to sulk in the gift wrapping room. And Maris went off to stew in the meditation room...and after a few hours, Maris comes out and tells me about this new marriage saving therapy she's been studying called, THE SANTA CLAUS SESSION." Frasier studied his brother for a second. "The Santa Claus session?" he repeated, warily. "Yes, I looked it up it's a new therapy just being tried, whereas a husband in a bad marriage pretends that he's sitting on Santa's lap, and telling Santa all that he wants in his marriage as if he was reeling off a toy list. Apparently it's saved countless marriages so far. Maris says it's now a very popular therapy in her own family. " "So there's hope for the James family after all," said Frasier. "Anyways, my marriage is on it's last legs so I figure I have nothing to lose," explained Niles, as he turned his head and shot a quick glance at the store Santa. "I'm just doing some Christmas shopping, then I'm going to the annual end of the year station Christmas party tonight, "Frasier chimed, in an excited tone of voice, "it'll be a great way to end the year." Niles looked back at Frasier. "Anyways, I have to get back to therapy so I'll see you later. Have fun at the party," said Niles to Frasier with a wave as he turned his body around and hustled back to the store Santa. Frasier watched, confused, as his younger brother sat back down on the store Santa's lap and began talking to the older man in quiet tones. The group of children all laughed again. More fake snowflakes fell upon Frasier, and the store Santa and Niles.

Frasier walked through the apartment and walked up to the large, white heavily decorated Christmas tree in his apartment living room. The wall of the living room was decorated with a gigantic sized, plastic figure of a cartoon Santa Claus sitting in his brown sleigh being pulled by eight, brown cartoon looking reindeer. The white Christmas was decorated with red, green, and orange, and yellow large ornaments of all shapes and sizes. Some of the ornaments were of tiny snowman figurines, others were in the shape of large green bells, others were tiny elf figurines. There was a huge, blue and white and brown coloured, plastic figured nativity scene located on the floor near the Christmas tree. Frasier sat down on his heels on the floor and took out all the Christmas presents from his shopping bag and placed them all carefully under the massive, white Christmas tree. His aged father sat in his favourite chair watching the tv. A car of beer was in his right hand, and Eddie the dog sat on his lap. Martin wore a light blue sweater and brown pants and shoes. Snowflakes could be seen hitting against the window. "Hi dad!" Frasier called out. Martin turned his head to look at his son. "Oh hi Fraz!" he said, then he turned his attention back to the basketball game on tv. The psychiatrist just kept placing his gift wrapped presents under the tree. "I ran into Niles in the mall," he said, "it seems he and Maris are having problems again..." "So what else is new," chuckled Martin. Frasier looked at Martin then turned his attention back to putting gifts under the tree. "It seems he's going to solve it by taking up his new hobby of pedophilia, "Frasier said sarcastically. Martin shot a very shocked look at his son, then looked back at the tv set. Snowflakes continued to bounce against the windows from outside. The sharp wind made a loud shrill. "I'm going back to the station later tonight dad, "Frasier went on, "tonight is the station Christmas party." Frasier stood and his eyes zeroed in on Martin seated in his favourite chair. Frasier smiled. "That'll be great, "the psychiatrist said with a gleam in his eyes, "my first Christmas party at the station. " "Just don't fall over drunk on the eggnog," joked and cautioned Martin, as he looked over at Frasier, took a swig of his beer, then looked back at the ballgame on tv,

Then, Daphne walked into the living room from the kitchen. She wore black slacks and boots, a white, short sleeved shirt and red vest. Her hair was tied up in a bun. She smiled when she saw Frasier. "Oh Dr. Crane, "she chirped in her thick english accent, "I was just getting the eggnogs all ready for when we open the gifts tomorrow on Christmas morning." "Don't worry Daphne I bought you something really nice," smiled Frasier as he looked around the apartment, and then looked over the huge Christmas tree. "I can't wait till tonight to put the star ontop," Frasier said in a near whisper. "I hope your brother bought me something nice as well," added Daphne with her smiling deepening. Frasier chuckled a little. "I'm sure he did, " the psychiatrist said. Daphne looked curiously at Frasier. "Anyways, I'm going back to the station in another minute or two," Frasier included as he wandered about the living room. "Why's that?" asked Daphne. "The station is having a Christmas party, "answered Martin, as he looked at Daphne then looked back at the ballgame on tv. "Oh nice," said Daphne, "have fun Dr. Crane." "Oh I'm sure I will," beamed Frasier, "in fact why don't I get going right now. See you guys later." Frasier turned and walked towards the front door of the apartment. A huge, white wreath was hung on the door.

The psychiatrist reached the door and turned the handle. As he swung open the door, he caught sight of plump, gray haired, dark skinned woman of about sixty or so standing in the doorway. The woman wore a green and white, short sleeved checkered dress and red shoes. Her wavy gray hair was in a mess. "Mrs. Oruku, "Frasier said as he eyed the older woman, puzzled. "Hello and Merry Christmas Dr. Crane, " the older, dark skinned woman said with a very worried expression on her face. Both Daphne and Martin looked over at the worried looking woman. "What's the problem Mrs. Oruku?" Martin asked suspicously. Mrs. Oruku just kept shaking her head over and over and over again with her wrinkled expression becoming more and more worried and concerned. "What's wrong?" Frasier asked the woman. "Oh such a terrible thing to happen on Christmas," Mrs. Oruku said, as her dark eyes scanned Frasier in a very life and death kind of way. "What a terrible thing to happen at Christmas time, "the sixty year old, scared looking, dark skinned woman repeated, "it's my husband Dr. Crane, "she chattered away nervously and very worriedly, "he just had a heart attack! I think it's serious! I'm sorry...I know you're going to the station Christmas party soon..." "My dear," Frasier said proudly as he observed the worried, "I'm a doctor first and foremost."

Frasier then turned and ran through the apartment and down the hallway out of sight. Mrs' Oruku, Martin, Eddie and Daphne all had worried expressions on their faces. A second later, Frasier ran back into the living room carrying a small, black leather bag in both his hands with the name Dr. FRASIER CRANE M.D. printed in big, white block letters across the black leather case. He ran out the open doorway towards the worried looking Mrs. Oruku. "God bless you Dr. Crane," smiled the dark skinned woman gratefully, as she and Frasier turned away from the door in the hallway. "I'm a doctor Mrs. Oruku," Frasier reminded her as his right hand gripped the bag and his left hand grabbed the doorknob and slammed shut the door. "We're down at 12, "Mrs. Oruku said. "Let's go!" ordered Frasier as the door slammed shut, on Frasier and the sixty year old woman standing the hallway of the apartment building, "but not too late, because I still want to get to the Christmas party..."

After the door was shut Martin went back to his ballgame on tv and Daphne stood looking at the closed door for a minute or so. "Hippocratic oath," Daphne said. Martin took another swig of his beer. "As long as it doesn't interfere with his soirees, of course," the ex cop joked. The snowflakes hit the window with even greater fury.

TWO-

IF A PSYCHIATRIST IS ANALYZING A PATIENT, AND NOBODY ELSE IS AROUND TO HEAR IT, ARE THE WORDS OF FREUD MAKING A SOUND?

Frasier walked tiredly into the giant sized, yellow wallpapered room at the radio station. He was panting and out of breath. A huge, white Christmas tree stood in the middle of the room heavily decorated in large, red plastic circular ornaments. A large group of brightly coloured, gift wrapped presents were piled under the tree. A giant white, plastic star was on the top of the tree. Large, green wreaths hung on all the yellow walls of the room. White, plastic stocking with pictures of closeups on Santa's jolly face, were also hung all over the yellow wallpapered walls of the room. Frasier's brown overcoat was covered in snowflakes and he was carrying the black leather bag in both his hands. A small, green plastic table stood at the back of room, behind which Bulldog was pouring a huge, white pitcher of eggnog into several small trays of glasses situated on the tabletop. Bulldog wore a black and red coloured sweater with snowflake patterns illustrating the material he also wore blue jeans and black boots. He was smiling slightly as he concentrated on pouring the giant sized pitcher of eggnog in his left hand. He suddenly looked up at the in coming psychiatrist. "Hey Dr. Crane," he greeted in a funny, snotty kind of way, "just in time for the Christmas party." Frasier just panted with exhaustion as he dropped the black, leather doctor bag down on the table. "I didn't think I was going to make it," panted Frasier, "I got called away on an emergency." "Oh yeah?" Bulldog said as he poured the eggnog into the last small, glass on one of the small trays on the table. "Some guy at unit 12 had a heart attack, 'described Frasier as he removed his brown overcoat and draped it over a chair. Under the overcoat he wore an orange sports jacket, "I had to treat him with a kangaroo drug." Bulldog set the pitcher down the table and made a curious expression. "A what Dr. Crane?" he questioned as he walked around the table to Frasier. Frasier looked down at the black, leather bag. "A kangaroo drug," he repeated as he put his hands on the table. "What's a kangaroo drug?" asked Bulldog with a sarcastic smile, crooked smile. "It's a slang term for a new get-a-heart-beating-drug just on the market. USDA approved," answered Frasier. "What is it?" Bulldog asked again. Frasier reached both his hands into the black bag, and carefully pulled out-with both hands-a huge, clear tube shaped plastic container with a purple label stuck around the body of the container. He very carefully held it up closer to his and Bulldog's eyes. The container was full of some kind gooey, purple liquid. On the label was a small cartoon image of a brown, smiling kangaroo with a white stomach. There were several other words printed in latin, in small black print on the label. Frasier observed the fine print. "It can get a dead heart beating again in seconds, "Frasier said in a lecture tone of voice, "but it has a side effect. As it says on the label: The drug has the effect of causing the patient to jump up and down for a second or two, and then cause a mind alter effect on the patient..."Frasier then briskly put the tube shaped, plastic container back in the black leather bag. "A MIND ALTERING EFFECT!" exclaimed Bulldog with excitement, "HEY! I WANT IT!" Frasier made a very tired smile and shook his head as he zipped up the bag. "The unfortunate side effect, is that the patient tells pathological lies for an hour or more. Right now, poor Mrs. Oruku probably thinks her husband has been having an affair with his secretary and just murdered his sister, and was a World War One veteran," Frasier told Bulldog. He then turned away from Bulldog and walked out of the room. "I'm going to freshen up a bit," he called over his shoulder as he left the room.

When the psychiatrist was out of the room, Bulldog quickly unzipped the black, leather bag and then eagerly pulled out the tube shaped container once more. He twirled the huge container about in his fingers, and looked again and again at the cartoon kangaroo on the label. He then unscrewed the cap of the container, while grinning.

Then, Bulldog very clumsily spilled all the gooey purple liquid into all the glasses of eggnog. "OH NO!" shouted Bulldog in a moment of terror, as he then screwed the cap back on on the tube shaped container, and dropped the now empty container back into the back. The yellow eggnog had few spots of purple now and sparkled a little.

The station Christmas party was now in full swing! All the staff members of the radio station were walking about the yellow, wallpapered room clearly enjoying themselves while sipping the small glasses of eggnog. Everybody chattered happily and quietly amongst themselves, all around the large Christmas tree in the room. The song, JINGLE BELLS, played as wurlitzer music from an intercom in the ceiling somewhere's.

Roz Doyle stood at the left side of the white Christmas gulping down the last of her glass of eggnog she held in her left hand. She was talking to a short, young woman with curly dark hair and wearing a yellow blouse, and pink sweater and brown booties. The woman was also drinking a glass of eggnog she held in her left hand.

Frasier stood behind the massive Christmas tree, sipping his glass of eggnog and talking quietly to an overweight, long haired, young indian man wearing a gray, tweed business suit and who spoke in a thick indian accent.

At the right side of the tree, Father Mike stood there dressed in his black outfit, swiftly drinking down his glass of eggnog while talking quietly to a young, plump short dark haired woman wearing a reindeer costume. The woman also was drinking her glass of eggnog she held in her right hand.

Bulldog, stood in front of the large, white Christmas tree chatting up a young, pretty, curvy short blonde haired lady wearing a blue and white striped sweater and blue slacks and white tennis shoes. Both Bulldog and the young lady thirstily drank up their glasses of eggnog they held in both hands.

Suddenly, at that moment, Father Mike suddenly made a very, very, VERY shocked weirdo expression on his handsome face and he dropped the empty glass down on the green carpeted floor. The woman in the reindeer costume just stared confused at him. "Are you alright?" she asked the clergyman, as she took another sip of her eggnog. Father Mike didn't appear to be listening. He put both his black panted legs together and bent his knees. He curled his wrists in front of his chest. He jumped up and down. He then turned and walked away, seemingly now disinterested in the woman in the reindeer costume and sauntered across the room over to Roz Doyle, who still stood chatting busily to the woman in front of her. A big smile flashed over her face, as he saw a large, strongly built, handsome black man with wavy hair and a moustache (he wore a blue jacket and blue blue jeans and black boots), go walking past her carrying a glass of eggnog in both his massive hands. Roz looked the large man up and down. "Isn't that the ex football player, the sports announcer here?" the woman asked Roz. "Its sure is!" grinned Roz, eyeing every move of the handsome black man, "I'm just waiting for the mistletoe part of the party!" Father Mike walked right up to Roz and made a Cheshire cat at the woman. "Hey Roz," the clergyman said to her. "Oh hi Father Mike," said Roz as she looked at him, "I hope your enjoying the party..." "Roz, I have to tell you something,"the wide clergy man said in an urgent tone of voice. He put both his hands on Roz's shoulders, "Roz...I have been in love...madly, passionately in love with you right from the start!" Father Mike told her, looking into the stunned woman's eyes. "Oh my!" stammered Roz as she stared at the grinning clergyman, "I...I...don't know what to say!" "I want you for myself!" Father Mike included romantically. For A brief minute, he turned away from Roz and looked with bewilderment into space, then he turned and looked back at the surprised Roz Doyle again. "Before I was a priest I was a F.B.I. agent," the clergyman nodded at the more surprised looking Roz.

Then, a very, very strange, weirdo, stoned expression came over Roz's features. She dropped her now empty glass down on the carpet. She put both her feet together and bent her knees! She curled her wrists over her breasts and jumped up and down. The woman standing in front of her studied her, perplexed. "Are you alright Roz?" the woman asked. Roz quickly hopped away from the woman and Father Mike.

When she was gone Father Mike turned to the woman Roz had been chatting with and frowned heavily. "I hate to tell you this Carla," the clergy man said reluctantly, "and I shouldn't tell you this being a man of the cloth, but last year your husband confessed to me that he had lovechild with another woman while you two have been married!" The woman made a very shocked look at Father Mike with her mouth wide open. She shook her head. Tears emerged. Father Mike slowly nodded at Carla. "Yes, we had five hour conversation together. He's been providing for his secret family all these years behind your back." Carla looked down at the carpet in tears! "I'm a Holy man so I would never lie."

Roz hopped over to the large, handsome black man in the blue jacket. The man stood leaning against the table at the back of the room watching all the other Christmas party guests while cradling his glass of eggnog in both his hands. Roz walked right up to the front of him. The large, powerfully built black man smiled at the woman when he saw her. "Hey Roz!Merry Christmas!" he greeted politely, "you enjoying the party?" "Scott," Roz said as she looked the ex football player up and down, while pouting her lips, "I have a secret I now want to get off my chest. But, Frasier was the one who romanced your seventeen year old daughter!" The large, handsome black man stared in shock at Roz, then he looked over at Frasier standing drinking his eggnog in another part of the room, then he looked back at Roz again. "My girl had been dating some guy she wouldn't tell me about, I don't know why..." "Well Frasier is the one who's been dating your teenaged daughter!" Roz insisted, "I saw both of them together walking hand in hand down the street one night." The black man looked over at Frasier again with an angry look spreading over his face. "A guy Frasier's age dating my teenage daughter!?" the man said. Roz just nodded.

Frasier kept up his chat with the indian guy, while sipping his eggnog, when at that moment, an average heighted, skinny, short gray haired woman of about fifty and wearing a long sleeved blue dress and booties with five gold necklaces, came hopping over to the psychiatrist, her knees far bent, with her wrists curled in front of her breasts. Frasier didn't notice her at first, untill she tapped him on the shoulder. The psychiatrist then turned to look at her. He smiled. "Oh hi Maureen," he said, "and Merry Christmas." The thin gray haired woman straightened her body as she looked intently at the psychiatrist. "Frasier, may I talk to you for a second?' she asked. "Please," said Frasier, with an inquisitive look coming over his face. Maureen pulled the curious psychiatrist by his arm, to the back of the room, away from the other chattering party goers. She kept looking right at Frasier. "Frasier, I don't know how to tell you this, but...well...Father Mike is the one who hacked your bank account that time." There was moment of silence as Frasier just stared at Maureen in utter shock and disgust. He turned his head and cast a sharp and hostile glance at the dark haired clergyman standing by the table at the back of the yellow wallpapered room picking up another glass of eggnog. He then slowly looked back at Maureen. "You're really sure about this?" the stunned psychiatrist asked. "You know I never lie," the fifty something, gray haired woman defended herself. "That's true Maureen, I know you're no liar," Frasier nodded with a serious look. "Father Mike needed money for the church RE HOME ORPHANED KID FUND, and I overheard him on the phone with Reverend Hill, that..." Frasier raised his hand to cut her off. "Say no more Maureen," the psychiatrist said, as he sipped the last of his eggnog and slowly turned his head to glare at Father Mike, "it's time I had a word with him! Fraud, theft is inexcusable! Especially for a man of the cloth!" Frasier then snapped his fingers as his face looked as though he'd just had an idea. "That must explain, why he was two hours late to work that time!" "Exactly!" said Maureen.

Bulldog finished up the last of his eggnog, when his face took on a very, very,very wide eyed stoned expression! He put his legs close together! he curled his wrists over his chest and hopped up and down away from the woman he was talking to.

Bulldog hopped up and down over to the indian guy Frasier had been conversing with a short while ago. The indian guy smiled at Bulldog. "Hey there Bulldog, Merry Christmas to you," he said in a very thick indian accent. Bulldog dropped his hands to his sides, and straightened up his body as he faced the indian guy sternly. "Hey, I didn't want to tell you this, but Roz is the one who encouraged your wife to divorce you and run off with another man," Bulldog told the stunned indian guy. The indian guy gulped down the last of his eggnog and just stared at Bulldog. "How do you know this!" he exclaimed over the din of the chattering, Christmas partiers. Quite a few other people in the room were now hopping up and down with their wrists curled in front of them. "I work closely with Roz," Bulldog said, "you think I wouldn't know these things?! And I can tell you that it was Roz who talked your wife into leaving you last year and she set your wife up with another guy!" The indian guy shot a very hostile glance over at the sight of Roz Doyle. He shook his head. "I trusted Roz," he said, weakly, "are you sure about this?" "I'm not lying," insisted Bulldog, "it's all true! Roz is the cause of the breakup of your marriage!"

Elsewhere in the yellow wallpapered room, Frasier stood confronting Father Mike with a big angry scowl on his face. "You didn't have to hack my bank account!" Frasier shouted at the surprised clergyman, "I'm going to throw the book at you! I'm throwing the book!" Frasier then turned his walk on the bewildered looking Father Mike. Then he looked over his shoulder at Father Mike, "no pun intended that is!"

The indian guy was angerly confronting Roz Doyle in another part of the room. Roz looked very, very surprised at the accusations, as she stared at her accuser. The indian guy was pointing his finger at Roz. "You had no right to end my marriage like that!" the man near shouted, "my marriage and my wife's personal problems were none of your business!" Roz just stood there looking very shocked. "What on earth!" "And who was he guy you fixed my wife up with anyways!" Roz just shook her head not knowing what the man was on about. "This is turning into the party on Maple Street," Roz said, upset.

Then, the indian guy's face took on a very, very, very weirdo, stoned expression. He dropped his empty glass down on the carpet! He bent his knees very far forwards, he curled his wrists over his chest. He then hopped and down while spinning his body away from Roz.

The indian guy hopped up and down over to the woman that Bulldog had been chatting with. The woman made a warm smile at the indian guy. "Merry Christmas!" she exclaimed as she drank down her glass of eggnog, "a new disco move?" The indian guy straightened up his body and looked directly at the woman. "I didn't really want to tell you this, but...but...but..." "Well spit it out man!" the woman said impatiently as she observed the stoned looking indian guy, "and I don't mean your eggnog." The indian man nodded. "Ok...here goes...uh...Scott was the one who tried to get you fired two weeks ago!" The woman made a shocked glance at the large black man standing, drinking up his glass of eggnog, at the other end of the yellow, wallpapered room. "Why did he want to do that?! I know somebody told some nasty complaints about my song on the radio," the woman countered. "I don't know," the indian guy said, "i just overheard him telling someone a few minutes ago."

Way in the back of the room, Frasier suddenly got this really, really, REALLY weirdo stoned look in his eyes. He dropped his empty glass down on the carpet. He pushed his feet together and bent his knees very far forwards. he curled his wrists over his chest! He hopped up and down and then hopped across the room, towards a slim, tall, gray haired man in his late sixties wearing a gray business suit, standing apart from the other guests, quietly sipping his eggnog.

Frasier hopped over to the front of the man. The man looked at Frasier and smiled. "Ah, Merry Christmas Frasier!" crooned the tall, short gray haired man in between drinking the glass of eggnog he held in his left hand, "in all my years of being managing director at the station, I never had a Christmas party as fun as this one." Frasier stood still with his knees bent and his wrists curled over his chest. The gray haired man just stared at the psychiatrist for a second. "Are you learning yoga Frasier?" the man asked at last. Frasier straightened out his body and dropped his hands to his sides. "Mr. Denver," Frasier said, "there's something I think you should know about Roz Doyle. I mean you being managing director and all." The tall gray haired man just looked Frasier over, put the glass to his lips and swallowed the last of his eggnog. "Well what is it Frasier?" he asked again. Frasier nodded and smiled at the tall form of Mr. Denver. "Mr. Denver, Roz Doyle has been skimming the station's profits for a year now." Mr. Denver dropped his glass down on the carpet as he looked with surprise at the lying psychiatrist. "I don't believe it," Mr. Denver defended. "I'm no liar," Frasier said, "I'm a very close friend of Roz, and I can tell you for sure that she's been taking station money. You ought to check the bank records, you'l find cash missing. the figures won't add up." Mr. Denver stood looking with shock at Frasier then he turned his head and looked across the room packed with the Christmas party guests, and saw Roz jumping up and down with her knees bent and her wrists curled over her breasts. "I better have a talk with her about this!" Mr. Denver said as he walked away from Frasier and headed in Roz's direction.

Frasier's eyes clouded up. His body swooned and his head cocked from side to side. He imagined he saw the Grinch standing right in front of him! Green fur and all! Frasier rubbed his eyes with both hands. He then imagined he saw Scrooge himself wearing a dark brown frock coat and pants and wearing a white stocking cap. Scrooge had a mean look on his wrinkled face. His long white hair running down to his shoulders as he glared at Frasier! "BAH HUMBUG!" shouted Scrooge. Frasier rubbed and rolled his eyes around and around. "Some kind of negative forces are trying to ruin this party," he said in a whisper to himself. Then, Frasier imagined he saw a plump, elderly looking, balding man sitting in a wheelchair, wearing a dark business suit. The man looked angry at Frasier and pointed his left finger at him. "I could never run George Bailey out of town, so I'll run you out of this radio station instead Frasier!" the old man in the wheelchair threatened the psychiatrist. Frasier rubbed his eyes with both hands again, and the visions were gone. "Did I get spiked by a drug to make me see things?" Frasier asked himself.

Frasier then once again bent his knees very far forwards, he curled his wrists over his chest and he began hoping and down rapidly all over the room as were many other people. There was the sounds of shouting over the wurlitzer jingle bells song playing all about the yellow wall papered room.

As he was hopping up and down, Frasier then accidentally kicked the bottom of the stunning Christmas tree, and then began a combination of slowly limping and hopping while making really long strides all over the room while having his wrists curled above his head, and shouting :"OWWWW!"

Then, the large, burly, dark skinned, ex football player walked angerly up to Frasier and punched him in the chest! "THAT'S FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER!"" yelled the large black man, "HOW COULD YOU!?" Frasier went flying backwards against the tree, then he spun around and began climbing in fear up the tree.

Everybody in the room was hopping up and down with their wrists curled over their fronts and also everyone was talking in angry tones at each other! "ARE THERE ANY WALLABIES HERE?!" Bulldog shouted jokingly out, over the din, with a big smart ass grin on his face, as he hopped up and down with his knees very far bent forwards and his wrists curled over his chest, all around the Christmas tree, which Frasier was clambering up in fear.

Hours later, everybody stood around in the yellow room, surrounding the Christmas tree and singing Christmas carols. each person had a big, happy grin on their faces. The current song they were singing was HURRY HOME FOR CHRISTMAS! "Wow, it's both strange and kind of wonderful how all of us suffered lapse of memory of the first two hours," Frasier said to Roz standing at the left side of him, in between singing bars of the song. Roz looked at Frasier and smiled broadly. "Yeah that is really weird," she agreed, "I don't recall anything of coming to the party or what happened. Were we spiked with a drug or something?" Frasier just chuckled and went on with the song. Then, his face took on a perplexed expression as if he just thought of something. "Hmmmmmmmm," he said quietly.

After HURRY HOME FOR CHRISTMAS everyone sung FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. Everybody was smiling and having a good time. "This is the most happiest, Christmas party I've ever been too, "Frasier said in between singing the lyrics with everyone else, "no issues tonight whatsoever!"

THREE-

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRASIER TEETH

Back in the apartment, Frasier, Niles, Martin, Eddie and Daphne all stood around the massive Christmas tree, admiring the gifts stacked underneath. "How was the party tonight Fraz?" Martin asked his son as he leaned on his cane. Frasier smiled as his eyes looked at all the gifts. "It was great," he said,"everything went just fine. I can't wait till Christmas morning. Here, in this family, lies the very true spirit of Christmas."

Frasier briefly looked up from the Christmas tree, and stared into space with a blank, confused look. He scratched his head, then he went back to looking down at all the gifts. He still had on his overcoat, which was now covered with slush from the snow.

Suddenly, there was a sound of a very loud thud on the rooftop of the apartment building! Frasier, Niles, Eddie and Daphne all looked anxiously about themselves. "What was that?!" Martin asked. Frasier, Niles and Daphne all looked up at the ceiling. There were the sounds of loud sleigh bells as well.

The massive, brown sleigh was parked on the building rooftop. It was snowing harder than ever. The sleigh was packed full of brightly coloured, gift wrapped presents. The eight, large brown reindeer all stood still in front of the sleigh. The large, white haired, bearded jolly fat man in the red outfit, green mittens and black boots got down out of the sleigh.

He then reached over and pulled out a large, armful of the gifts. "HO,HO, Ho,Ho,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO,HO!" laughed the jolly fat man in the red outfit, "now to deliver to the units..."

EPILOGUE-

Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin and Eddie all stood perfectly still in the apartment, each person with a shocked, stunned look on their faces. All of them just stood quietly staring into space.

Frasier finally knelt down by the tree and pulled out a small, dark blue gift wrapped package. He tore off the wrapping paper and was elated to find a small, bright red toy fire engine.

Niles, walked over to the wide open window (snowflakes were blowing into the apartment) and he looked upwards.

The large, jolly, white haired, bearded fat man in the red outfit sat in his sleigh far above the city (the eight reindeer pulling the sleigh in front of him) and made a deep grin and waved down at all the rooftops, with a green mittened hand. "MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!"