November 1924

Atticus and his mother wanted them to stay at Cannigford during the Christmas holiday. He brought it up when the young people sat down for lunch. "Mother and I discussed it and we'd like you all to stay and Canningford for Christmas."

"I didn't know that your family celebrated Christmas." Mary pondered this.

"We didn't before. But we want you all to feel at home. My father was more Orthodox than my mother. We would like you all there."

"Even my mother?" Matthew questioned.

"Of course! My mother enjoys their conversations."

And it's been getting rather lonely since I've got the place all to myself now."

"But it won't be that way for long." Rose interjected, "We have some rather good news. Atticus and I have set the wedding for June. We don't have a date yet." They had reconciled and not long after their engagement was back on.

"June is the perfect month to get married." Mary said. "You have discussed all this with papa, about spending Christmas there."

"Actually it was his idea."

"Speaking of, I was thinking of going to Crawley house. I have something to ask her." He directed the last part at Mary. He headed over to see his mother, though tea wouldn't be for quite a few hours.

I was shocked at first to learn that I had had older siblings older than me that had died in infancy, well in this case my brother Edward who had died of an unknown illness, almost ten years before I was born, some of them hadn't made it to birth.

I might not know what it is like to loose a child, I know what it's like to desperately want one and to try.

Is the child in the photograph an unknown sibling of mine? I do not think she would keep a secret of this magnitude from me. Unless of course it was another sibling that had died. It still must be very painful.

And here I have three healthy children, Mary and I had been so blessed. I had no siblings growing up, so I naturally wanted a lot of children. Not because they wouldn't feel lonely. I had always imagined having more than one.

I was often asked if I was lonely growing up without siblings. I really wasn't. Without siblings around to play with, I was forced to figure out ways to entertain myself. As a young child I enjoyed building things, usually with blocks, things like that. I also liked to draw, even though I was never particularly good at it. As I got older, I became very interested in reading books about medicine and law, which became something that could infinitely satiate my desire to build and learn. I was very curious about why I didn't have a brother or sister. Growing up, all of the children in my neighborhood had siblings and that confused me. I remember asking my parents why I didn't have a brother or sister. Their answer, I didn't have a sibling simply because I just didn't have a sibling. One time after seeing a show about long-lost siblings reunited, I became obsessed with the idea and questioned my mother for a while about the possibility of me having a long-lost twin. At the time, I was confused how she could be so sure that I didn't. I had like that I didn't have to share them but it had also came with a disadvantage.

Every little thing I accomplished was celebrated, no matter how trivial. That didn't mean that they didn't disapprove of anything that I did. Mother pushed me more than my father, towards the world of medicine. It had a part in my rebellious nature as a young lad. But I had soon learned that my actions only had consequences to myself and my parents. I grew more serious about my studies.

I was always in my head. I had a lot of alone time, which meant I had a lot of time to think about everything, with no one around to distract me from it. I was and still am always in my head. I analyzed and over-thought everything. I was often in a state of worry. I had a lot of trouble sleeping as a teenager, because I was unable to turn off my thoughts and get into a restful place. I began writing a lot, to get everything out so that my mind would shut down so that I could sleep. I wrote hundreds of awful poems. Perhaps I should try that again. Get out of my own head. What put me here in the first place, I think, battling the nightmares, and the thoughts I do not want to think. I think too much.

What the hardest thing is about being an only child, as mother gets older, I am the only person she has to turn to. I try to be there for her, but I can't do it all the time, trying to manage my own problems and the responsibilities as a husband and father and to Downton. She is too stubborn to ask for my help. Maybe she thinks it is all too over-whelming for me. They had always done that, kept things for me as if I were too fragile to handle it. As a teenager, I had always found it frustrating because I always had my parent's attention. I was comfortable being alone very early on. When this was combined with my teenage desire to be independent from my parents, it became very frustrating that I always had my parents' attention. I often felt smothered and there was never a break from it because there was never another sibling for them to fret over or distract them. My parents were never super overbearing, but because I was the only child in the house, I felt like I was always being watched. My parents were often over-protective. Of course, I understand the main reason now. They had constantly fretted that something would happen to me, that they would lose me too. And if they had tried to have another child, they must have thought they would lose it.

She had to tell me, if I faced her with it.

I placed the picture firmly on the table. "Can you explain this to me?"

She said it was a cousin of mine. She was always very sick and frail.

My Uncle never married or had children when he had died in 1902. And the child in the photo looked perfectly healthy to me. "The truth, mother."

"Did you work things out with your mother?" Mary asked before they went to they joined the rest of the family for lunch. Isobel was just arriving and had gone into breakfast room.

"What?" He turned to her, watching his mother go in. They hadn't had a row or anything. Why would she think that?

"Did you find out who the child in the photograph is?"

"Just a distant cousin of sorts."

Violet announced that Shrimpie had finally managed to find Princess Kuragin and when she arrived in England she would arrive straight to her.

"What? When did you find that out?" Edith asked.

"Yesterday. Shrimpie got her out and brought her to safety."

"Are you looking forward to seeing her again?" Rachel asked. She didn't know their history but Robert had shown her the artifacts from Russia.

"Hardly."

"If you don't like her why go through the trouble of having Shrimpie come to her rescue?" Matthew wondered. It was a waste of resources. He probably could have used his experiences to help find Gregson earlier. No, he mustn't think like that. He was just upset with his mother.

"That's what I keep asking." Said his mother.

"Well, you know me. Never complain, never explain."

"You don't usually have trouble complaining." Edith blurted out. As soon as she did, she suddenly felt awkward.

It was nice for a change that he wasn't the one. Matthew thought.

He had overheard Atticus talking to Mary once, when he had first met him, "He is quite odd though he is a nice man and always means well."

"Larry was right about one thing. He is odd but he wasn't before the war."

"Of course. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be."

"I mean I should have understood. I work with a lot of ex-soldiers at the bank."

December 1924

The children would be traveling with them this time. Their first big trip. Josephine had just had her second birthday. Katie would be a year old in a month. They were all getting so big.

Edith helped them up into the car. She adored her role as Auntie. Robert hoped she would marry and have children of her own day and soon. He had talked to her about it last night at the dinner table, when they were the only one's left. "Your Grandmother would like you to come visit her in New York after the Holidays. She'll no doubt has some parties lined up. Maybe there you'll meet your handsome prince."

"I don't want a handsome prince, Papa." She had accepted her role as a spinster. It wasn't as bad as she had first made it out to be. She'd be the favorite Aunt, as Matthew was the favorite Uncle to Sybie. The children would miss her. All the reason to stay. "And I belong here. There is no one I would want to marry." Having been jilted the first time and then Michael being killed, she didn't know if she could open her heart to trust again.

They all piled into the cars.

The train ride left Matthew a little uncomfortable, as it would often jostle about. More so than their travel to Scotland to stay at Duneagle. She was worried what it might do to his spine. She had pillows be put around him, and later extra one's, much to his annoyance.

He stayed at the manor while most of them men, and Marry went shooting.

"Was it hard? Joining their family?" Rachel asked Tom.

"Hard enough. Sybil was dead and I had to go it on my own."

"Did it take very long?" She wanted to fit in with the rest of the family. It seemed it was taking the longest with Violet and Mary.

"It took a shock to their system but eventually things settled down, they accepted me. They'll accept you since they've gotten past the chauffeur part." He joked. Then with seriousness and a bit of sadness, "It'll be much harder to go."

It would be hard on her to watch him go too, though not as hard as it would be for her husband. It appeared be having a physical effect on him also. She had been growing suspicious of Robert's behavior during the holiday season. He seemed to be wincing occasionally and gripping his side. She tried to ask him about it, what his 'secret' trips to York were for. He said it was nothing to worry about.

Mary announced to one of the servants, "I think I had my fun for today. It's about time I headed back." Once she got in, she took a bath and found Matthew with the children. Her heart filled with so much love, with how good he was with them, how natural. He has a bond closer to them more than her, she often feels. He spends more time with them.

It is incredibly easy, when you are pulled this way and that by life, jobs and the many needs of your kids, to neglect your relationship with your spouse. We should do something special.

But she did not yet want to have another baby. She came over to him, where he sat, giving him a massage.

"I know your touch anywhere." He purrs. He takes her hand and kisses it.

"Do you now? That would have been quite embarrassing if it were Rose or Edith."

"A rose by any other name."

The dinner was heavenly, not just the meal itself but the music. He could almost get lost in it, as he had an hour before. He could not wait to be in her arms. He would happily like to die there one day. Not on some cold unforgiving ground, alone, how he had seen so many...He must not think of that, he must think of his wife and what he had planned for them.

"Are you up for anymore?" Robert asked him. He was still rather on the thin side; he never regained the weight he had lost in the war.

"No thanks, Robert. I don't want to risk anything."

He leaned over to Mary, "I was wondering if you'd come up with me after dinner." He did not know what had ignited this passion in him, maybe it was the food. "There's something I'll need to take care of first."

"Alright, would you tell me what it is?" Rachel asked Robert after dinner.

"The doctor thinks it might be angina. After we get back, he wants to run some tests. Nothing to worry about, dear." He puts a hand to her hair. He knows she's thinking of her first husband.

They had both found that they cared more for each other than their first spouses. It didn't mean that she hadn't loved her husband any less and it didn't meant that he had loved Cora any less.

Sometimes I just think how certain things were not as good as I remember them with my first wife. I feel that we didn't communicate as well as I do with my current wife and, because Cora's gone, I can't resolve these things with Cora.

With Rachel there is more we can bond with beyond the mutual needs that Cora and I had. There are going to be different thoughts from different people. After almost a year and a half we started seeing each other, we were both worried what people might have thought, so we had stayed strictly friends. As time went on, three years later, we decided we could be more. I have discovered I'm happier with Rachel than I was with Cora, though we did have the best years when the girls were younger. It's is not the same for everyone, being able to find someone to love a second time. Many people get so deep into depression wishing for what we have that we don't learn to appreciate what we have.

No matter your reason for wondering about this kind of thing - always remember to live your life now. Remember the past, don't let it carry you away from the present.

"Alright, why was it that you called me up here?" Mary asked. "Do you need anything..."

He grabbed her and twirled her over to the bed. She was on her back and he began to kiss her all over. Her lips, her neck.

She started to sit up. "Wait. Wait. I need to get something."

"I don't think I can, darling." He had wanted her, again, and again, this intimacy. She could excite him just by the look of her. "I'll pull out before it happens."

"You won't be able to feel it, how would you know? It's not always effective and not recommended, according to Marie Stopes..."

"You and her methods." He was nearly laughing at her playfully now, " we could try our own."

Who was she kidding? She could not resist him either. If there were to be a child, there would be one. They needed this.

He lifted up her dress, pulling down her knickers. Not a moment later he was inside her, taking her right there, standing up! He had to lean over a bit, his arms bent by her sides for support so that he wouldn't fall over, grabbing her thighs, pulling her to him as he thrust. It only lasted five or six times before he was spent. He collapsed beside her, half off the bed.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, out of breath. He stroked her hair.

"No." She said, soothingly. They climbed into bed. Leaning over she swept his fringe away. "It's alright." It was alright. He hadn't come. There would be no baby. Then why did she feel disappointed?

They had another lovely Christmas. Their first real one after the war had been George's second, when he had been a year old. Next year they would be home decorating the tree and hopefully, Mary thought, by then there would another baby. She would be ready. The new year filled with new promises.

It was their last few days at Canningford, not a freezing cold day, relatively warm but cold enough to need a coat. Tom and Mary joined Rose and Atticus for a walk.

"Why were you all in a huddle over breakfast?" Mary asked. The younger couple had been whispering something to each other at the dinning table, their heads practically together.

"Atticus and I have been talking. We decided to move to New York. Not till after the wedding of course. There's a lot more opportunities there." When referring to opportunities, Mary was fairly certain it didn't mean just jobs.

"Oh, congratulations."

"Thank you. Don't you go to America soon?" Atticus asked Tom.

"I am. I'm going to Boston."

"When?"

"After the new year."

"You are staying for Katie's birthday." Mary reminded him. He didn't forget. It didn't seem right for him just to take off the day after the New Year and forget about his favorite nieces' birthday. She was at the point where she could start to recognize people now and she was especially excited when ever she saw Tom or her Papa. The way she would bounce and giggle and flap her arms.

"Of course!"

"Poor Mary. She hates to be left behind when everyone else is getting on with the rest of their lives." Edith said.

"It isn't bad. I've got my husband and children. It's the thought of being left behind with you." She and Edith exchange sour looks. "What will happen to this place then?"

"Rose and I plan on selling it and the horses, and give half of the profit to your father that he can put into the estate."

"That's very generous of you! But why give it up? When you can live comfortably for the rest of your lives."

"We don't need all that space, living in a big fancy house." Rose replied. "You can live a comfortable life in New York as well as anywhere! Atticus enjoys real work."

Lord Merton came to visit Isobel at Crawley house, on the day she got back. She had still refused his proposal. She did want to marry again. She wanted to be happy but if she couldn't be accepted into the family, she saw no chance of that happening.

"You seem to think I'm angry with your sons. Not at all." She wasn't accepted by his younger son either. Tim had seemed to stand up for her at the dinner but he quickly had fallen back to Larry's side, as younger siblings do.

"Why can't we forget that horrible evening ever happened? I accept that they have no desire to see their mother replaced. I've taken such care to shield them from the truth."

"Which is?"

"I was wretched with their mother. We weren't very well suited. Now they're preventing my chance at real happiness."

"I'm sorry. But I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life in an atmosphere that is toxic and full of anger and resentment." She had to think of Matthew as well, putting him in that sort of environment could jeopardize his health. The stress wouldn't be good for him. Larry would be a part of his life. As for the scene he had caused, after that fight, she was afraid what would happen next. He had just gotten his life back together. She intended to keep Larry Grey as far away from her son as possible. "I will not come between his father and his sons."

"Then may I ask you to be honest?' He came over and sat down on the sofa next to her. "Is that the only barrier? If they were to welcome you into the family, you would marry me?"

"If they can accept me and my son. I would love to but..."

"So, there is my challenge."

One he would fail. She knew things wouldn't change. His sons were adults stuck in their ways. And she had just lied to him. That wouldn't make a good basis for a marriage.

She was beginning to lean more toward Richard. He understood her. He had an understanding how things were with Matthew. Is that the only reason why she was drawn to him?

No. She could genuinely love him. He had some of the same qualities Reginald had that had made her fall in love with her first husband. However, there is something that should be considered. Children, no matter how old they are, see it as a betrayal of their late parent if the survivor starts dating a "replacement" Would Matthew see it that way? Whomever she chose, he would be respectable about it, least can be said for Larry and Tim. When it came down to it, she will explain to him.

You grieve, you never forget. But you're still the same you. You're still a person who longs for a close relationship with one person. It has been nearly twenty years, it's about time I was deserving of love and companionship. I love companionship but I don't want a unhappy union to get it.

She received a letter during tea, confirming her belief. Larry wouldn't change his mind. That settled it then. Violet had joined her instead of Matthew that afternoon.

"At least there's one silver lining. Doctor Clarkson will be pleased." Violet chuckled. Isobel was not amused.

The family were all in the drawing room before dinner. Robert had called them all down. "I wanted to wait till we were all together. You'll all be pleased that I am not about to have a heart attack. Your father had an ulcer." They had all noticed his discomfort in Canningford. His 'upset" stomach seemed more than that.

"Oh, what a relief." Mary chimed. It was good to not have to worry about his health as well as Matthew. Even though he was perfectly fine as well.

Rachel agreed. "We'll take it seriously. White fish, chicken, no alcohol."

"Steady on!"

"I mean it. You frighten me. I don't like to be frightened."

"Even so, there must be room for negotiation."

"Why don't you lay off everything until after New Years?" Mary suggested. "You can give up alcohol and Matthew can give up smoking those dreadful cigars."

Matthew's temporary expression read, why did you have to bring me into this, before saying, "I already gave it up a while ago darling."

Her eyes said, I didn't know that.

"And then we'll have a Happy New Year, and Katie's birthday as my last memories of Downton."

"Don't make it sound so final." Rachel had found the transition into this family a bit easier. She wished he didn't have to go.

"Oh, I'll be back. I'll need to see how the village turned out."

"That reminds me. Good news in the evening post. The Della Francesca has sold, amazingly well!" Robert announced. Mary also had an announcement. "Not expecting another one already?" He teased his daughter. He also sounded hopeful. He too would like another boy in the family, if anything happened to George. Not his only reason, of course. He should have a brother to play with.

"No. Nothing like that." She turned to Rose and Atticus.

His step-son told of his plans he had for Canningford. "Downton will be secured for generations to come!" Robert said, free from all worry. All the while, Rachel didn't really look pleased, more so surprised. Matthew had a worried expression. They didn't know if it would be safe for that long. No would could.

Carson opened the door for them to go through to dinner.

Mary noticed that Matthew was a bit mopey when she went up for the evening.

"I feel utterly useless."

"Even though we're financially secure, it will still need managing. Downton sill needs you. I need you. And the children. We'll have a lot more time on our hands." She went over to where he was sitting and kissed him on the cheek.

"Speaking of, is their any special plans for Katie's birthday."

"Not particularly. Just a small party for the family. Miss Patmore is making a cake."

"Hopefully this time she won't burn it." They both chuckled and he got back to what ever he was writing.

Dickie came to see her one last time.

"And there's nothing I can do to change your mind?"

"I'm afraid not but I will always think of you with great affection and wish you nothing but the best."

"Well, that sounds a lot better if you had spat in my eye. This has less to do with my sons and more to do with yours! I know you won't let anything stand in the way between you and him. But he's a grown man. He has his own life. I love you Isobel Crawley."

"I have told you of my son's condition in confidence. I cannot expose him to that, and I certainly will not poison the years we have left by setting you against your children. If you did love me at all..."

Violet came in to the sitting room after being shown in by the maid. "Oh, have I interrupted a lover's tryst?"

"Thank you for injecting humor into this moment of misery. I must go. There's nothing more to say. Thanks for you time, Mrs. Crawley." He swiftly left.

"That was rather sad."

"Yes, it was sad."

That wasn't the only sadness that rained down on the village, other than the snow, as New Years Eve approached. Soon it would be new years day and Katie's birthday. It all signaled Tom's departure. He'd be leaving on the fifth.

As Tom, Mary, Matthew and Edith gathered in the nursery, the watched the snow swirling against the windows. They were reminded of Sybil. Tom wanted to say a prayer for her. "What do you say we have a moment to think of Sybil. Who better than the four people who loved her the most."

"How about Mama and Papa?" Edith asked teary eyed.

"But we were the ones that were supposed to grow old with her. And who knows when we all will be together again." They grabbed hands and formed a circle.

"Darling, Sybil," Mary began, "Where ever you are we send all our love and kisses for the happiest of new years..."

They were interrupted by Robert, "Sybie's last year in this house, the house where she was born. You wouldn't consider leaving her here until you've settled in?"

"No, I would not."

"No." He had thought as such.

"But I love her as much as you love her."

"We must go down. They're waiting for us."

They all went downstairs, gathered around the tree that was still up. Upstairs and downstream, singing to ring in the New Year. As she and Matthew sang their song, "if you were the only girl in the world, and you were the only boy," she couldn't stop looking at him when he sang his part. She didn't know what she would do without him. Everyone else was leaving her but he still remained. That made the grief all that much more bearable. And she had no doubt it was the same for him.

AN: I have had difficulty where to place this, as you can tell. I finally decided to make a short and sweat chapter, with more M/M scenes and Matthew with the children as promised!