Chapter 11 – Doomdays

Weeks passed and Serena van der Woodsen no longer knew what to do – not that she had ever known to begin with. Blair was quiet and sullen, barely ever leaving her bed, much less her room. Once extroverted and dedicated, vivacious and determined - Blair was a shadow of her former self. At first, Serena thought Blair was simply nursing her broken ribs, resting. But as time went on, it became clear to even the most oblivious observer that something else was going on with Blair.

Serena had finally reached her breaking point. Blair hadn't left her room in three days, and by the matted appearance of her normally perfect chocolate curls, hadn't even brushed her hair – or showered – in just as long. She quietly pushed the door open to her best friend's room and watched the steady rise and fall of Blair's chest. She was alive, at least. Barely, it seemed.

Satisfied knowing that her best friend was still breathing, Serena left the room, gently shut the door behind her and was startled to see her boyfriend behind her, his eyes dark. "Carter," she said softly, twining his fingers with his, "you scared me."

Carter smirked at her, squeezing her hands. "How is she?"

"The same," she answered solemnly. "I don't know what to do, Carter."

"You and I both know what you need to do," he responded.

"I don't know what happened between her and Chuck, Carter. What if –"

Carter interrupted her, "Whatever happened between them, you know he'd at least want to know how she is. Has she talked to him? Have you?"

Serena bit her lip. "I don't know who she's talked to, at all. I've talked to him a few times. He asks, but I tell him she's fine." Thinking of the past few weeks, how distant Blair was, she suddenly felt ashamed at her lie.

"If it was you, I'd want to know."

Serena nodded slowly. "You're right, Carter. I'll call him."

She shot her boyfriend a half-smile before dropping his hands and grabbing her phone from the pocket of her jeans. Serena walked far enough away from Carter so he couldn't overhear before she fell against the wall, sliding down until she was in a sitting position. Her thumb hovered over 'Chuck Bass' for a moment before she took a deep breath and pressed 'call.' The line rang a few times and Serena was ready to hang up when he finally answered.

"Sis," he greeted her.

"Chuck," she returned, "We need to talk."

There was a long pause on Chuck's end. "Blair?" he asked quietly.

"She's not good, Chuck."

A deep exhale through the phone. "What do you mean, Serena?"

Serena heard the anger in his voice, barely contained. "I can't get her out of bed."

"You said she was fine, Serena," he growled, his voice low and threatening.

"I thought she'd snap out of it, Chuck, I swear. But she hasn't. She's not. I don't know what to do. I think you should come," she pleaded.

"On my way, Sis," Chuck gritted snapped, before Serena heard him end the call.

Placing her phone next to her on the floor, face down, Serena lightly slammed her head against the wall, closing her eyes. She knew she had messed up. She should have called Chuck weeks ago.

"You alright?" Carter asked, sliding down beside her.

"I should have called him weeks ago," she said simply.

Carter said nothing, but simply took her hand and held it. "It's all going to be ok, Serena. You'll see."

He smiled at her and she smiled back before leaning in to kiss him, relieved at his comforting presence.

Xoxo.

I can't get her out of bed.

Chuck ground his teeth together as he fidgeted impatiently in his limo, which was stuck in rush hour New York City traffic.

Serena said she was fine. Over and over. You fucking liar.

"Is there any way around this, Arthur?" Chuck demanded.

Arthur's eyes met Chuck's in the rearview mirror. "No, Mr. Bass. I'm sorry. We're stuck."

The car had barely moved in half-an-hour. He could walk faster, he realized. "You know what, Arthur, I think I'll walk. Find a way out of this," Chuck motioned to the gridlock, "and you have the night off," he said as he opened the door to the limo, stepping onto the street and ducking around the various cars caught in the same gridlock. He made it to the sidewalk and began walking determinedly towards Serena's apartment. He could walk ten blocks, no problem.

Ten blocks later, Chuck stood in front of Serena's building, sweat beading at his hairline, slightly out of breath. The scotch and smoking clearly had done him no favors. He wiped the sweat away with the back of his hand as he walked towards the door of the building, the doorman immediately opening the door for his entrance. Chuck made his way to the elevators and slammed his finger down on the button for the 20th floor – Serena's floor.

Chuck leaned against the back of the metal of the elevator and tried to gather himself. He closed his eyes and tried to even out his breathing. By the time the elevator dinged at Serena's floor, he felt collected enough. He stepped from the open elevator and turned right down the hall, making his way to Serena's door. Reaching it, he allowed himself a deep breath before knocking.

The door opened almost immediately, Serena in front, with Carter Baizen right behind her.

Chuck didn't wait for an invitation inside, instead, he immediately barreled inside. "Where is she?" he demanded.

Serena didn't meet his eyes as she spoke, "Down the hall, second door on the left."

Chuck pushed past both of them and made his way down the hall, to the second door on the left. He didn't bother to knock, but simply barged in. Blair was lying in bed, eyes closed, nose turned upwards toward the ceiling. Her hands were clasped together over her chest, as if she were in a casket – it unnerved him. "Blair?" he said quietly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Her eyes immediately opened. "Chuck?" she whispered back.

"Hey," he replied, with a small smile.

"You're here?" she asked, clearly confused.

"I'm here," he confirmed. He took her in. He didn't see Blair Waldorf. She was paler than usual, her cheeks sunk in, her hair matted from where she laid against her pillow. Deep, dark purple circles under her slightly puffy eyes. Her pupils were dilated, huge and glittering. She was high. Chuck's heart stopped momentarily when he saw her eyes. "Waldorf?" he asked.

"Yes?" she responded, slowly.

"How many?" he asked.

"A few," she chuckled.

"Why?"

"Takes the pain away," she giggled.

"The pain's going to be there when you wake up, Waldorf. I'd know better than anyone," he said quietly.

"Oh, would you?" she asked blankly. If she hadn't been high, Chuck knew it would have come out as a sneer.

His eyes met her dilated pupils. "Do you remember when Bart died and I went to Thailand?"

"Yes," she whispered, her eyes glassy. As if she could ever forget.

"I don't remember much about it, to be honest. I shot up, I snorted, I smoked – whatever. Whatever to dull the pain. But every day, when I woke up, sobered up, the pain was there. It doesn't help, Blair."

"It helps," she countered.

Chuck nodded, relenting slightly. "Temporarily. But reality is always waiting."

"Well, I don't want to come back to reality," she responded.

Chuck felt a shot of fear run through his spine, ice cold. "I want you to," he whispered.

Her black eyes met his. "And I want you to leave. I don't want you here," she replied.

"I can't do that, Waldorf, and you know it."

"Why?"

"Because you're not ok."

"I'm fine," she shot back.

"Are you, Blair? Are you really?" Chuck asked quietly.

"I'm just tired, Chuck. I want to sleep," she said slowly.

"Great," he replied, quickly taking off his blazer, and shoes before lifting the comforter of her bed, sliding in beside her. "Then let's sleep." Chuck rested his hands behind his head and closed his eyes.

"Chuck, what are you doing?"

"Shh, I'm sleeping."

Blair smacked his arm in frustration. "Chuck!"

Chuck caught her arm and pulled him into her, draping her arm over his belly. "Yes?"

She simply glared at him. "What are you doing?" she seethed.

He opened his eyes to meet hers. "You said you wanted to sleep, so let's sleep." He pulled her in closer and once more closed his eyes.

He expected her to protest again, but instead, she curled around him, placing her head on his shoulder, facing him, the way they always slept together. Chuck turned his head slightly and opened his eyes to watch her as her breath slowed and evened out on his shoulder. A small knock at the door caused her to stir, and quickly move her head from his shoulder. Disappointment hit him at the loss of contact. He had missed her so much these past few weeks, and laying here with her had been a small reprieve from his loneliness.

"Guys?"

"Yes, Serena?" Chuck replied, irritated at his step-sister and her typical poor timing.

Serena bit her lip and moved into the room and sat on the edge of Blair's bed. "B…I'm just really worried about you."

Color flushed in Blair's cheeks, clearly embarrassed.

Chuck internally seethed. Dammit, Serena.

"I called Chuck because I thought he could help." Serena motioned towards Chuck.

And I was, sis, before you barged in.

Blair shot up in bed. "Well, thank you for your concern, Serena, but as I've told both of you, I am completely fine," she seethed, voice raised.

"You're not fine, B. You barely leave this room, this bed. I haven't talked to you in days, and I know you're not eating. You aren't fine," Serena responded, tears welling in her eyes.

"Can't you both just leave me alone!" Blair shouted. "I'm fine and I don't need either one of you! So leave!"

Chuck rose from the bed, and grabbed Serena's arm, pulling her to rise. She resisted, and Chuck tugged harder. "Come on, Serena," he said quietly, practically dragging her from Blair's room. He soundly shut the door behind them before he spoke to her again, "What the hell is wrong with you, Serena?"

"I just…" she trailed off.

"You just what? You called me, remember? I would've gotten somewhere if you had given me some time. But you just couldn't resist inserting yourself, could you? Another installment of the Serena Show, huh?"

"Chuck, I just thought –"

"No, you never fucking think, and that is precisely the problem." Chuck grabbed her arm once more and dragged her further away from Blair's door and back into the living room where Carter was sitting on the couch.

Chuck dropped her arm and sat down in an armchair, running a hand through his wind-tousled hair. "I shouldn't have let her come here. This was a mistake."

"Chuck - " Serena began to protest.

"Shut up, Serena. I told you to keep an eye on her, and you're letting her rot in a room while you continue on with your life without a fucking care in the world. She needed you and you just left her all alone while you fucked Baizen," Chuck interrupted, his voice cold, hard.

"Chuck, I –"

"I said shut up, Serena - "

"You both know I can hear you, right?" Blair interrupted, standing at the edge of the living room, her arms folded across her body, protecting herself. She wavered slightly, as if she was slightly dizzy.

Three heads snapped up to look at her, clad only in a t-shirt and a pair of Chuck's purple silk boxers, which she must have stolen. In any other situation, Chuck would have smiled.

"I am so sick of people talking about me like I'm not here," she continued. "You know, Serena, you didn't even try to be a friend to me? You just rubbed Carter in my face every chance you got. Chuck may have kicked me out but at least he talked to me, at least he tried.

Chuck flinched at her words.

"B, I…I didn't know what to do," Serena stammered.

"Anything would have been better than pretending like nothing happened," Blair replied darkly.

"B –"

Blair raised a hand to silence Serena. "No, I'm done. I thought I could stay with my best friend and she would help me. But she didn't do a damn thing. You're right, I haven't left my bed in days," she started to cry, "but some days you didn't even try, Serena. What kind of friend doesn't even try?" Blair's voice broke. "I've never asked you for anything."

Serena was dumbstruck.

Chuck was watching Blair intensely.

Carter was very clearly uncomfortable.

Chuck rose and made his way to Blair, gently grabbing her arm and pulling her away from the scene in the living room. Tears were streaming down her face now as they walked down the hall. He opened her bedroom door and pushed her inside, closing the door behind them. "Blair, I –" he started, wiping the tears from her face with the pads of his thumbs.

"Don't!" she seethed, pushing him away, stumbling slightly. "Just leave me alone, Chuck," she whispered.

"I already told you I can't, Blair," he replied, reaching out for her again.

Her reflexes were sluggish as she attempted to swat his arm away and failing, his hand gently wrapped around her wrist. She closed her eyes at his touch. "You kicked me out, Chuck," she whispered. "I'm not your girlfriend. I'm not your responsibility, ok? So, you can go now." She refused to meet his gaze.

Chuck's grip on her wrist tightened in anger. "All of that is bullshit and you know it, Blair," he bit out.

She pulled her hand away from his with as much force as she could muster. "Stop," she pleaded. "Please just leave me alone."

"I'm worried about you, Blair," he admitted. "I don't know what you're doing, what you're thinking. I barely recognize you," he said quietly. "How do you expect me to walk away from you right now?" His dark eyes met hers, trying to read her.

There it was. That look in his eyes. The one she detested, the one that hurt. She needed another Vicodin so the look would stop hurting her. "Just walk away, Chuck," she said coldly.

Chuck ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes, clearly frustrated. "Goddammit, Blair. Stop this."

"Stop what?" she chuckled.

His amber eyes flashed to hers. "I get it, Blair, I do. You're mad at me because I thought it was a bad idea for you to stay with me. I get that. But goddammit, Blair. You know why I thought that. I have done anything and everything for you, Blair, and you threw me away like I was trash. I'm here because Serena called me, because she was worried. I was in the car as soon as she told me you weren't doing well. I got stuck in traffic on the way here and I fucking walked 10 blocks to get here. And still…it's just not enough for you," he realized sadly. "I'm just not enough, am I?"

She couldn't find words in that moment. Her exhausted brain, addled by Vicodin and lack of food, couldn't comprehend his words. So, she stayed silent.

Chuck waited, and she didn't speak. He forced himself to nod. "Right," he said, answering his own question. He stared at her for a moment, hoping, wishing…But there was nothing. He swallowed the lump in his throat and headed for the door. He paused as his hand rested on the doorknob. "I will always be here for you," he said quietly.

More silence.

He had expected her to say something – anything. He had not expected silence, and for some reason he couldn't pinpoint, the silence hurt more. He could handle her rage, her sadness, but silence – complete indifference? He couldn't handle that. He ignored Serena and Carter, deep in conversation on the couch, as he made his way to the elevator. He stepped inside and he was thankful for the silence and the solitude the metal box provided for him. Get away, was all he could think.

Yes, getting away did sound quite wonderful right now. He had laid out everything for her. His regrets, the pain. It just wasn't enough. He just wasn't enough. Ibiza, he decided as he slid into his limo. He could escape in Ibiza.

Xoxo.

Her mind was sluggish. She was normally sharp and quick-witted, always ready with a turn of phrase. The Vicodin was numbing her reflexes, her mind. When Chuck had asked if he was good enough she just stood there, mute. You are more than enough! Her brain screamed.

But her words never came, and he was gone. She knew she had really hurt him this time, creating another wound he would try to hide deep in his already-mangled soul. The tears came hard. She didn't realize how loudly she was sobbing until she felt a set of arms wrap around. For a moment, she thought it was Chuck.

"I'm sorry, B," Serena whispered.

Blair began to sob harder at Serena's voice. She so desperately wanted Chuck. What is wrong with you?

"Where's Chuck?" she sobbed into Serena's shoulder.

"He left, B," Serena said softly.

"Make him come back, Serena. I've messed up so badly," she cried.

"Calm down, B. I'll call him," Serena soothed, promptly locating her phone, and finding Chuck in her contacts.

His voicemail picked up immediately: Charles Bass. Leave a message.

"B…I'm sorry."

"Just leave me alone," Blair sobbed.

Serena pulled Blair into a hug. "I love you, B."

"Goodbye, Serena." Blair rolled her eyes. Of course, Serena was now trying to be a good friend.

As soon as Serena left her, Blair was on her phone, calling Chuck herself. He'll pick up. I know he will.

Charles Bass. Leave a message. He didn't.

"Chuck… it's me. I… I don't know what I'm doing. I'm messing everything up, and I don't know why…I love you, Chuck Bass. I love you, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." A small sob escaped as she spoke. "Call me back, Bass, please."

Hanging up, Blair expected him to return her phone call immediately. He couldn't resist a Blair Waldorf apology without a caveat, of that she was sure. Minutes passed, and Blair felt the dread and anxiety wash over her in waves. He was done. He was ignoring her. Her apology didn't mean a thing to him – she had messed up that badly. The screen of her phone became slick as tears rolled down her face. She wasn't in control anymore, and she wasn't sure she ever would be again. She had treated Chuck horribly for years – she knew he wasn't wrong about that, as hard as it was to admit it to herself. He's finally done. He's finally gone. I've finally lost him.

The realization felt like a smack in the face and panic filled her. Breathing became difficult and she felt the world tilting on its axis. Calm down. Breathe, Blair. It was his voice in her soothing as impeding panic attack washed over. Breathe, Blair, breathe. It's ok. It's all in your head.

"It's all in my head," she murmured to herself, repeatedly. Chuck was the only person who knew she suffered from occasional panic attacks – Not even Serena knew. Blair hid their existence well, slipping away to a bathroom or an empty room to let the panic attack happen.

Chuck found out about them one night, three months after they had officially started dating. There was a gala for some charity neither one of them really cared about, and she had felt the panic building in her chest from the second she woke up that morning. But she had forced it down, hid it, knowing that she was only delaying - and inevitably worsening - its impending release. Chuck, of course, had noticed how nervous and quiet she was the whole night. When she felt her vision tilt and her stomach lurch, she excused herself to the restroom with a light squeeze of Chuck's hand. She knew her hands were shaking, and she knew Chuck felt it.

She was not at all surprised when he found her alone in the women's restroom moments later. She was gasping for air and trembling, grasping the porcelain of the sink for strength. She tried to wave him away, but she was dizzy and felt herself stumble at the motion. Chuck was instantly at her side, steadying her. "Baby, what's wrong?" he murmured in her ear, concern in his voice.

She forced herself to exhale a shaky breath. In and out, in and out. "I have these sometimes," she managed to choke out, her voice shaking.

She felt ashamed then – her panic attacks were a secret for a very good reason. If anyone found out, everyone would see her as weak, and then no one would fear Blair Waldorf. The shame only added to her current distress and she saw black pinpoints in her eyes. Oh, this is very bad. Very, very, very bad. Her breathing quickened and her knuckles turned white at the force of holding herself up. She felt like she was on the verge of fainting.

It was then that she felt his arms around her, pulling her flush against his chest. "Calm down. Breathe, Blair," he murmured soothingly as he held her, making soothing motions down her spine. "It's ok, I promise."

She calmed slightly at the feeling of his body around hers, the scent of him. Her breathing was still harsh and erratic, but she no longer felt like she was on the verge of passing out. "Chuck," she rasped out.

"Breathe, Blair, breathe. It's ok. It's all in your head," he returned, gently stroking her hair, planting a kiss on the top of her head.

Suddenly she could breathe again. She was still shaking, and her stomach still hurt, but she could breathe, and the world wasn't shifting erratically beneath her feet anymore. She let go of the sink and turned to Chuck, wrapping herself around him, clinging to him. "Thank you," she whispered into the crook of his neck as he held her tightly.

Chuck had helped her through several more panic attacks, even after they had broken up. He was the only person who knew, and the only person who could calm her. But right now, she could feel a bad one brewing and Chuck hated her. You're alone for this one, Waldorf.

The world lurched and she felt nausea overcome her. She clenched her eyes shut, but she was still spinning. Gasping for air, she entwined the fingers of her hands together, squeezing them together, hoping they would bring her back to reality. She pinched the skin on her forearm, hoping for the same. None of the techniques her therapist had taught her had ever worked. Chuck and Chuck alone was the only thing that could bring her back from the edge of insanity.

Unless, a thought flashed through her mind. She grabbed the pill bottle on the nightstand and sifted a few pills into her hand. She didn't look, and she certainly didn't count them. She tossed them into her mouth and swallowed them with a gulp of water.

She didn't have to wait long. Her breathing evened out, and her body felt loose, light, and her panic gone. She smiled to herself lazily, lying back into the pillows of her bed. She was so comfortable, so cozy. She closed her eyes, and fell into a deep, blissful sleep.

Xoxo.

As the Bass jet landed in Ibiza, Chuck pulled his phone from his pocket and powered it back on. After a few moments, alerts flooded his phone. Several missed calls from Serena, a few from Lily, and one from Blair. Sighing, Chuck decided he would listen to her voicemail. Anything she had to say would be better than the silence he had suffered through hours earlier.

"Chuck… it's me. I… I don't know what I'm doing. I'm messing everything up, and I don't know why…I love you, Chuck Bass. I love you. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Call me back, Bass, please."

He listened to her voicemail several times, his heart clenching in his chest every time. Of course she's a confused wreck right now. You fucking idiot, Chuck mentally chastised himself.

"We've landed, Mr. Bass," the stewardess announced, with a huge smile.

"Tell the pilot we're going back to New York. Right now," he replied.

"Mr. Bass?" Her smile faltered a bit.

"I said right now!" he growled.

"Yes, Mr. Bass," she slinked away from him, clearly confused.

Xoxo.

It had been several hours since Blair had demanded Serena to leave her alone, but Serena couldn't resist checking on the girl she considered a sister. Chuck's words had stung, but he had been absolutely right about her treatment of Blair. So, she had decided she would be better. She couldn't lose Blair.

Serena cracked the door to Blair's room, to find Blair sleeping peacefully, her back to Serena. Serena smiled slightly, knowing then that everything would be alright. Blair would get through this. She stood there watching her best friend for a moment, suddenly feeling like something was off, wrong. She's not breathing.

Serena realized it was a ridiculous thought, but she knew she had to check, if only to satiate her worry. "B?" she called, hoping to rise her best friend.

Silence.

She made it to the bed, and sat down next to Blair. Blair was pale, thin, and her breathing was almost nonexistent. Serena's eyes flashed to open bottle of pills on her nightstand and knew immediately. "Blair!" she screamed, tears forming in her eyes. "Blair!" she pushed her best friend's frail body with force, hoping to rouse her, but Blair didn't move.

"Serena?" Carter appeared in the doorway, having heard Serena's shouts.

"Blair won't wake up," Serena sobbed.

Carter took in the scene before him: An open bottle of pills, Blair motionless in the bed before him, Serena sobbing uncontrollably. He had been in this situation more times than he'd care to admit. "I'm calling 911."

Serena released a guttural sob.

"Yes, I have an emergency. My friend just overdosed. She's barely breathing. Please hurry."

A/N – Stick with me. I realize the last chapter was super depressing and this one probably is, too. It's gotta get worse before it gets better! Thanks to everyone who follows or favorites. And by the way, reviews actually kinda make my day. Hope everyone is staying safe right now. And I know you have time time to review my fanfic, so don't play. Review. Make me smile.