Chapter 29 - So Emotional

Kurt smiled as Santana and Rachel got up to sing. He hadn't been completely surprised when the girls decided to sing together, but knew that Santana was trying. She was desperately trying to cling onto whatever she had left of high school. After her week of contemplation about her future during the Saturday Night Fever assignment, she realised how scared she was of graduating and having to decide her life. She fear had rubbed off on Kurt, whose NYADA audition was fast approaching.

As thoughts of that swarmed around his head, a quick nudge from someone next to him sobered him up in time for the performance. He looked to his right and saw Sam Evans smiling softly at him.

Oh, Sam Evans.

Kurt had been so pleased when Sam had come back from Kentucky, and even more pleased when Sam had chosen to live at his house rather than Rachel's. Kurt had been more than welcome, and the situation had only seen their friendship blossom. They talked for hours, and Sam often crashed in Kurt's room after falling asleep during a movie. Sam was working to expand Kurt's knowledge of nerd-culture, and Kurt was doing the same with movie-musicals. Sam had been pleasantly surprised to find that he vastly enjoyed Singin' in the Rain and they had watched it three times already together.

As much as he really hadn't been planning on it, Kurt was falling back in love with Sam.

There had been a moment the previous year, when Sam and Quinn had sang together at Sectionals, that Kurt had realised that his irritability through the entire competition was jealousy. He wanted to sing with Sam, so that he could reclaim the duet that wasn't. He would have to take a leaf out of Rachel and Santana's books and propose they sing together before they had to leave.

The girls started the song, energy in the room high, Santana's vocalisations on point. Her voice was perfect for this song, Kurt thought, and he bobbed his head as the beat picked up.

A buzz distracted him. He looked down, knowing who the text would be from.

Chandler: Would you call me crazy if I said I hadn't stopped thinking about you since we met?

Kurt appraised the text with a small sigh. It was no secret that he was tired of getting nowhere with anybody. Sam was painfully straight and Kurt needed to move on from that fast.

If he was being completely honest with himself, which he was wont to do nowadays, Kurt wasn't really attracted to Chandler. He tended to go for guys who were taller than him, and more masculine. He liked Chandler's spirit and his enthusiasm, but the physical attraction was lacking.

So with every flirty text that Chandler sent through, Kurt felt a little more guilty. It was obvious to him before that text that Chandler liked him and was flirting at the music store. Kurt wasn't an expert in attraction and flirtation but he knew it when he saw it so blatantly like that. He felt completely terrible about it, but he was using the attention he was getting from Chandler to make himself feel better. He was closing in on graduation with every passing day and he still hadn't had a kiss that he felt counted. He loved Brittany dearly and the girl could definitely kiss, but he didn't think his momentary experimentation counted in this particular book. And for the all the amends that Dave had been making lately, Kurt was reticent to say that an assault in the locker room was something that counted.

That left Kurt the most virginal person he knew. Even Mercedes, who swore herself celibate until marriage, had done some heavy petting stuff with Shane. And even though Tina and Mike were yet to consummate their relationship, they had still done some things.

Kurt bit his lip, hoping to change the subject from Chandler's feelings as he texted back, eyes flicking up every now and then to watch the performance.

Kurt: I'd wonder where you found the time to fit in your audition prep. How's that going, by the way?

He put his phone under his thigh and paid attention to the performance. He heard a buzz but was reluctant to pick it up. A twinge of annoyance had passed over Santana's face as she looked at him and knew he wasn't paying attention. He pursed his lips and winked at her, mouthing "I'm sorry". She sang the next line to to him and all was forgiven.

They were very good together, Kurt thought, and wondered how many times they'd wasted chances to sing together because of some petty rivalry or insults that ultimately amounted to nothing. Wasted time was wasted time, in the end.

He instinctively looked to Sam, who was looking at him already. He didn't know what to say to translate his feelings of guilt, love, hope, and passion without disturbing the performance. So he settled for putting his head on Sam's shoulder. They were sat directly adjacent anyway, their knees were touching. He bet that Sam could feel the vibrations of his phone.

Kurt wondered how long he could get away with being intimate with Sam until the boy called it off. He knew that Sam wasn't afraid to be affectionate, especially with him, but Kurt's mind just concentrated on enjoying the feeling for as long as he could.

His phone had buzzed four more times before the performance ended. Kurt gave them a large round of applause and a whistle as he lifted his head from Sam's shoulder. Santana had just taken her seat behind Kurt when Mr. Schuester dismissed them early.

Kurt collected his phone and made a move to leave, but Santana pulled him back.

"I don't know who's more important to you than me, but you've never texted during a performance before. What gives, Grandma?"

Kurt rolled his eyes and twisted in his seat, so that was opening his body to Sam and Santana. "I can answer that in a second."

He quickly checked the other five texts.

Chandler: It's going well. Thank you for warning me off Evita, probably not the kind of thing they want to see. I've decided on 'All I Care About Is Love' instead.

Chandler: Maybe…you could come and help me rehearse sometime?

Chandler: Or not. Forget it, it was a stupid idea, you're probably busy with NYADA!

Chandler: I think Phantom's a great idea by the way! You don't strike me as someone who could hit the bass notes, though.

Chandler: Wow that sounded offensive when I re-read it! I'm so sorry, Kurt, please don't hate me!

Kurt locked his phone with a sigh. "I fucked up."

Santana leaned forward. "What's going on?"

"You remember me telling you about that guy I met at the music store? Chandler?" At their nods, he continued. "Well, we traded numbers to help with audition tips and it's kinda gotten a little more than that."

Santana snatched his phone. "Let me see this." Instead of trying to grab it back, Kurt just sighed and prepared himself for the lecture.

After a minute of perusing the thread, Santana handed the phone to Sam. She gave Kurt a measured look and waited for Sam to finish. It took Sam a little longer to read it, but he handed the phone back to Kurt, an unimpressed glare on his face.

"You don't have to tell me I'm being awful, I know that. As soon as I texted him I knew it was a bad idea."

"You're leading him on, Kurt, that's not cool," Santana rasped. "I should know, I used to do it all the time."

That was what he loved about her. She wasn't a yes woman. She would absolutely call him out on his bullshit. So would Sam. That's why he called them his best friends. Mercedes or Rachel or Tina would just coo and wonder why Kurt wasn't interested while shielding him from any responsibility. That wasn't what he needed.

"I know, I'm going to stop it. I just…"

Sam frowned. "You just what, Kurt?"

Kurt stood up, turning to face them, walking backwards until he was leaning on the piano. "It just felt nice, having someone be interested in me. It's never happened before and I got carried away."

"But he's not your type," Santana finished for him.

Kurt nodded. "You're right. I'm using him for my own ego boost. That's a Puck move."

Sam rolled his eyes. "See, this is the problem with calling you out. You own your shit, but you own shit that you haven't even done. Yes, what you're doing is wrong, but you're not the Devil, Kurt."

"It sure feels that way."

"This is what happens when good people do bad things. They beat themselves up and convince themselves that one mistake means they're tarnished. Kurt, you're an inherently good person, you don't need to freak out over this. Just send him a text that says that you were reading back the messages and you feel that things have gone in a direction you weren't planning and let him down gently. No harm done, you can both go on with your day."

Kurt hesitated. Noticeably so.

Sam's brows furrowed. "But you don't want to let him go so easily, do you?"

"The whole reason I did this in the first place was because he was nice to me. And he's actually gay and I…"

"You like the attention. That's simple enough to understand. You want attention, Kurt, go to Scandals, download a dating app. Don't make this kid think he's got a chance with you if he doesn't."

"I know, I know. It's just harder to actually do than it is in theory."

Santana cocked her head. "Why?"

Kurt threw his arms up. "Because! How long am I going to have to wait until someone treats me like this? I'm almost about to graduate high school and I've never had a boyfriend, I've never had someone desire me in that way. I've never even had a kiss that counted."

Santana nodded. "I knew that's what this was about. Sure, you might have to wait a little bit longer than other people for someone who truly wants you, but that'll just make it all the more special. Look at me, I've slept with most of the guys in our grade, I'm not any happier than you are."

Sam hummed in disagreement. "I'm not sure that's comparable, San. Take me for example, Kurt. I had two girlfriends last year, I didn't sleep with either of them, and I had a few more girls ask me out, to which I said no. I've kissed, I've had that interest, but I've still never felt desired in the way that I know you mean. You want someone who sees you and thinks 'Damn, I want that guy' and vows to find out who you are and sweep you off your feet. I haven't had that either. I'm still looking for that special connection."

"Gee, thanks," Santana drawled.

Sam rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. We were using each other and you know it. I'm just saying, it's nice to have those experiences and all that, but if it doesn't mean anything, you're not missing out. You kissed Brittany in sophomore year, right?"

Kurt nodded.

"That counts as a kiss, but you're not counting it because it didn't mean anything. You haven't missed out on anything because the right person hasn't come along for you to want that with."

Kurt averted his eyes, and began looking at the floor, at the piano, everywhere but at Sam.

"Or maybe he has," Santana whispered, but Sam didn't quite hear her.

Kurt's gaze snapped to her, stormy and silencing. Santana tipped her head in understanding.

She leaned back in her seat. "Sam. Kurt likes you."

"Santana," Kurt hissed.

Sam looked at Kurt softly, waiting for someone else to speak.

Kurt looked at Sam but just for a moment. A little laugh escaped his lips. "I've never been much good at lying to you."

"Kurt?"

Kurt chewed on his lip, tapping his foot. "Sam, if I'm going to get through this, you're going to need to not say anything at all."

Sam just nodded.

"As soon as you got here, I knew I was attracted to you, at least physically. It wasn't until getting to know you in Duets week that I knew you were a good person. I wanted to sing with you. If Finn hadn't interfered, I would have. And then you were with Quinn and I just let it go. I had to. It was only when you were singing with her at Sectionals that I opened myself up to the fact that I was probably falling in love with you."

Sam didn't looked perturbed like Kurt had expected him to, but he was mostly passive, just taking the story in. Santana had taken to filing her nails, looking up at them every now and then. She had heard this story before. Old news bored her.

"By the time Valentine's Day came around, I forced myself to get over you. I'm sure you noticed that week I skipped Glee entirely. I wanted to see if not seeing you every day would help. And it did. By the time you were with Santana, I was mostly over you. I was more concerned that you two were messing around to keep yourselves from thinking about the people you really wanted."

Santana's head snapped up, and she shared a knowing look with Sam. He shrugged quickly before turning back to Kurt.

"And then you came back. And suddenly we were living together and it became much harder to ignore what I'd been repressing. So I don't know how you're going to take this, but I have feelings for you. Strong feelings. And they're not going away, but I can deal with them. I don't want this to affect our friendship in any way because feelings or not, you're one of the most important people in my life and I would hate to think that my stupid crush would mess that up."

Sam stood up. "But Kurt, this is going to affect our friendship."

Kurt looked to Santana, rather than at Sam. "You had to say something, didn't you?"

Santana shrugged, ignoring him, a small smirk on her face.

"Kurt, there's a reason I decided not to live with the Berry's."

Kurt shrugged. "Yes, because Rachel is a ball-busting she-demon."

Sam chuckled. "I guess there's that. But there was no way I would pass up the opportunity to see you every day after school."

Kurt gaped, cursing at how gormless and unattractive he must have looked.

Sam grinned. "Everything I did last year was to try and make you jealous. When you released me from the duet, I thought that was you saying you weren't interested. I said that Quinn was the best partner I could've asked for, but I was looking at you. To see if you would show me a sign that you liked me. When the shit went down with Karofsky, I was hoping you'd see me as a guy who could defend you when you needed me. At Rachel's party, I spent the entire game leading up to my turn trying to rig it so it would land on you. My relationship with Santana was mostly about how I could get you to see me as more than a friend. She was doing the same with Brittany."

Santana smiled at Kurt as she nodded.

Sam took Kurt's hand. "When I moved away, it fucking killed me. Those months in Kentucky were some of the worst of my life because I couldn't see you whenever I wanted to. I didn't want to be like that Matt guy who moved away and lost touch with everyone. So when Finn and Rachel came to get me, I jumped at the chance. When your dad offered me a place to stay, I accepted before he could finish the sentence."

Sam stepped closer to Kurt. "All because I wanted you. I want you. There's a reason I feel so strongly about what you've been doing to Chandler, it's because I know how it feels to love you. I know how it feels to get caught up in you. And if you were to string me along, I know it would hurt like crazy. Knowing there's a possibility I might have you only to be knocked back at the last step, that would kill me."

Kurt sniffled, holding back his tears. He put a hand on Sam's face. "But you do have me, Sam. All you ever had to do was take me."

"Wanky," Santana drawled.

They shot amused looks at her; moment ruined.

Kurt giggled. "I'm so mad that we wasted two years being stupid."

"But now we have forever. Kurt, can I give you your first kiss that counts?"

Kurt softened. "I'd love nothing more."

Sam leaned forward and pressed his lips gently to Kurt's, brushing them across. Kurt deepened the kiss, grabbing onto Sam's bicep for leverage, he could absolutely feel his knees buckle as the kiss deepened.

Sam moaned into his mouth as they realised Santana was watching them intently.

She smirked. "Carry on."

Sam rolled Kurt's earlobe around in his teeth. "Later?"

Kurt shivered at the touch and grinned. "When Finn falls asleep, come into my room."

"Okay, wanky, I'm sleeping over too," Santana interjected.

Sam smiled at Santana. "Maybe next time, San? This is all still very new here."

"Whatever, just know that I'm getting video at some point."

Kurt shrugged. "Fine by me. You've already seen us both naked."

"What, really? I was joking."

Kurt smirked. "Just because I'm inexperienced doesn't mean I'm vanilla."

Sam groaned. "Oh fuck."