Before I became a demon, in my spare time I enjoyed reading. It was a nice escape from my own harsh reality. In my books, there were no parents being killed, no children were taken and forced into cages, no demon butlers who made it a point to tease me before going on to perform his tasks, no incompetent servants who break everything they touch or kill every plant in my garden, no one to ruin dinner with a flamethrower to make it Cook faster' in all fairness and although you'll never hear me say it, I love my servants, they're just as much my family as my children are. Sebastian likes to tease me about how I seem to have adopted them, finny mostly.
Now that I'm a demon, I have hardly any time to spend reading, and as a mother, even less. But I made the decision to bring them into the world and care for them, Sebastian and I often disagree on what that means. He tells me I'm too much of a mother sometimes and I don't understand what that means honestly. Our children aren't big enough to care for themselves, isn't it my job to care for them?
The biggest argument lately has been feedings.
"Mommy?" I hear the small voice next to me, I thought since it was nap time I could again escape into the world of literature but no matter where I am, even lost in a good story, my little ones always find me and pull me back into reality.
"What are you doing out of your room?" I ask reaching over to the stand to take a sip from my glass.
"Mommy, I am not very sleepy today, are you having lunch time now?"Vincent asks.
"Yes. You should be taking a nap,if you can't sleep I still want you to rest quietly so you don't disturb your brothers and sisters." I replied gently.
"Mommy, can I have some too?"Vincent points to the glass in my hand. I hand it to him and he sips then looks at me waiting for permission to continue and if course I give it.
He drinks just about half of it and hugs me.
"I love you Mommy, you are the happiest thing in the world." I can't help but smile. Being a 'happy thing' is just my children's way of telling me that they love me. one of many actually.
"Thank you Vincent. That's a very nice thing to say. It makes me happy to hear that." I tell him still holding him in my arms. Vincent rests his head on my shoulder and grabs onto my shirt. The children have been doing that since they were babies,it brings them comfort and security. I just enjoy holding onto them. I carefully rock my son it's my hope that he falls asleep and I can take him to his room.
I glance over to the door way and notice Sebastian looking at me, he seems upset but I don't want to put Vincent down to ask. These moments are precious and one day they'll grow up and not want to spend time with me and they'll be too big to carry.
When I finally get him to bed and return to read my book, I find Sebastian waiting for me, his arms are crossed over his chest and there's a look of concern on his face.
"You and I need to talk." He tells me sternly. I already know what he wants to say. I sit down with a sigh.
"Go on." I tell him wanting to get it over with.
"Ciel,you know how much I love you and our children, part of that is wanting my family to be healthy. I know you love our children just as must as I do but please understand that you cannot -Half a feeding is fine as a small snack but you can't keep giving -"
"They're little and I'm their mother I'm taking care of them, isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"
"yes, you are an amazing mother but you need to eat too,do you remember how ill I was?"
"Yes. But I'm not outright refusing to eat like you did."
"there have been days that you don't eat at all and feed all six children and myself, when you finally do eat one of our children who must I remind you have breakfast, lunch, dinner and several snacks throughout the day everyday come to you and ask for yours, then you give it to them. Not only that but you try to get through the day on sometimes less than half a glass or you don't eat breakfast or lunch because they are asking you for it." I know he's worried about me, I don't know how to make him understand how this affects me as their mother. How do I deny them if they're hungry?
"I know you worry about me, I've always given you more enough reasons to unfortunately and I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of that to happen. You have to try to understand that it's different for me being their mother."
"Please explain that to me." Sebastian uncrossed his arms, his tone was now softer and I knew he genuinely wanted to know my thoughts.
"The knowledge that they eat doesn't matter when they come to me and ask for mine, all I see in the moment is that my little one is hungry and I can't turn them away, they're my children and to think of them being hungry and to know I have something they need, it's -I won't let them be without something like that,I can't." I tell him honestly.
"you're telling me that you see them eat and yet you still think they absolutely without a doubt need to take yours?"
"I told you, it's different for a mother, you can see that but in the moment I can only think they're hungry or it comforts them somehow and what sort of mother would I be to them if I told them no?"
"You would still be one hell of a mother, you're right, it's truly different because all though I would give my life for my family if they've just eaten I feel that I could tell them to wait. Perhaps that's why they run to you,I could always sense things from my parents when I was their age. I just want you to know how important you are to me, if something happened to you Ciel, I wouldn't know what to do. You and the children are my entire world."
I stand up and make my way over to my mate and wrap my arms around him.
"I'm alright, you don't have to worry." I tell him but I know he will anyway. He returns the hug.
"I love you so much Ciel, if I said this every minute of everyday for the rest of our lives it would never be enough to show you just how much. You gave me a beautiful family and a wonderful life.I don't ever want to lose you."
"Sebastian, I promised you I'd always be with you twice officially, I'm not going anywhere. I love you too We have our arguments now and then but it's always going to come back to this, I'm happy here and you made that happen for me. I have my family, even the people I never thought I'd ever see again." We held onto each other for a while before I let go. He placed his palm on my cheek and smiled looking into my eyes. I lean into his hand.
"Everything I give to you Ciel, I give out of love. Demons very rarely have the sort of love and closeness we share. In all my years of life I have only ever seen a similarity with my parents who have a bond so strong nothing can break it. I never thought I'd share such a love when I found a mate of my own, you were willing to be mine even before I mentioned that I am the prince. I, who you once saw as a butler and -" I kissed him lovingly to quiet him.
"I wouldn't have cared if you truly were a butler, your love for me is and always has been one of the strongest feelings I've known. That's enough for me." It's true, If Sebastian's title in hell would have been anything else,if he asked me to I would be with him forever. One of the many interesting things about my Sebastian has to be his eyes. Anyone can easily see that they're crimson but if you were to look closely into them,there's a gentleness in them, now that I think of it the few times as a human when he would look at me while he held me in his arms, through his teasing that softness had always been there. I was blind to it and many of the gestures he gave that had nothing to do with our contract.
"At the very least Ciel, if you feel that you must give our children your meal, come to me so I can replace it, please promise me you will."
"You shouldn't -"I begin but he uses my own trick against me and presses his lips to mine.
"If you are capable of feeding seven multiple times a day, I can manage giving you what you need." He said.
"I promise."
"I do hope you know that I brought it up because I want you to be well, I've come too close to losing you far too many times."
"I know. I just wish you would -"
"Mum, I'm hungry." Rowan cries rubbing his eyes. He must have had a bad dream.
I look to Sebastian and he sighs.
"Go on Ciel, I'll take care of it." I give him a faint smile as I invite Rowan over and he climbs into my arms to drink. The children don't do this often but I can't resist cuddling them when they do.
Sebastian shakes his head.
"You're such a mother." He teases.
"If I am, it's your own fault, I only started acting like a mother when I got with you." I fire back.
"You had the opportunity to say -" Rowan giggles through his tears.
"Mum and dad, you're so funny!" He says finishing off what's left in my , my baby is asleep in my arms and as I look down at him, a smile crept onto his face and he snuggles into me,melting my heart.
Sebastian kisses my head and fills up the glass once more.
"I'll take him, you should eat something, keep your strength up so you can enjoy our children they need their mother." He whispers. I reluctantly give him our son and sit back to eat. I despised the road that brought me here. The loss of my parents,it broke my heart and I think after I had made the contract with Sebastian, There were times I would purposely put myself in a situation where I could be killed hoping that somehow he would fail and I could be rid of my feelings but now I see that if he had, I would've missed out on this life, as difficult as it was for me, I would never have had my children and Sebastian - I'd hate to think what would have happened to him if he had. My family is worth it,every struggle,all the pain I felt,Sebastian's given me everything and asked very little of me.
I always thought that hell was a frightening place and demons were purely evil,but not my mate,and I'll always be thankful to Alois for the contract he made with Hannah that day, it's a strange thing to be grateful for yes, but I would never have found out what it was like to have this. I'll have to remember to tell him that when he visits tomorrow and to thank him for coming to get me when I nearly lost my mate. It's hard to think of my life ending up any other way.