I believe in love at first sight. I've fallen in love each time I linked with my children and again the first time I held them in my arms. It's absolutely incredible looking back to before I got pregnant with Evian, I never believed I could love such a tiny being as much as I do. Since then the feelings of joy and love I have for my children have only gotten stronger.
In truth, I hated being pregnant but I enjoyed linking and of course holding the baby for the first time afterward. I never told Sebastian that I didn't like it and never will because any time it was brought up, I would make sure he knew what was important,that I wanted the baby. After my Evian was born I knew how wrong I had been about not wanting a family in the first place. I didn't have faith in myself as a mother but apparently my newborn son had every confidence in me as did Sebastian.
Soon after Evian turned a year, Sebastian and I decided to add Rachel and Vincent to our family and I learned just how much a mother's love affects the children. When I nearly died after giving birth to my little terror twins, they refused to accept it. They wanted me to be with them and they along with Sebastian and a few others brought me home, I'm grateful for Madame Red for looking after them and tell her that often.
After Vincent and Rachel, I told Sebastian that three was quite enough but that Christmas baby Rowan entered our lives, he was different from our first three, though it's true that he's technically my nephew and because of his own parents,Sebastian and I made the decision to adopt him and raise him as our own. The second he was in my arms, I felt no different than if I held my own. There had never been any question as to where my youngest son belonged. I already loved him.
Angelina and Kathryn, they came to us and only added to our joy. Yes, I Ciel Michaelis once known as Ciel phantomhive, the queen's guard dog,the earl who forgot how to smile,I have found joy in my children. It's been a struggle with Angelina who reminded me of Madame Red quite a lot during our linkings, our angry child. I know that one day my baby girl will be able to control her feelings of anger. She's making progress and no longer growls at Sebastian when he's close to me,it was explained that because I am her mother and because she was growing inside me, she believes me to be hers and in a way that's true but she doesn't like sharing me.
My little Kathryn is the shy one. She loves our family but anyone outside of that she doesn't take well to. She's a sweet child and like Rachel, I can see her being a little version of Lizzy. My love for my children is like nothing you can imagine unless you become a mother. Before them the phrase 'love at first sight ' was just a silly saying with no meaning. Being a mother really changed that for me.
I can't understand how demons do it, they have no regard for little ones. As I said I hate being pregnant but my children are worth my suffering. I love how Sebastian is genuinely happy to hear that I'm going to have a baby , his smile and excitement over the tiny child inside me makes it easier and it means the world to me. After Angelina and Kathryn, we decided that six was enough but sometimes I see that Sebastian is saddened by it and it breaks my heart when he's unhappy. I love my mate.
Not many mothers can say that their mate understands that sometimes you just need time to yourself, being a parent is a full time job and there's no time to slow down. Once you decide to have a family you give up a lot. Sebastian knows that it can be hard it can be for me and usually sets a day or two aside for me to visit with my family uninterrupted or to take a trip into town with Alois and Lizzy just to relax. Even then I can't stop thinking about the children.
"Ciel, are you okay?" Lizzy asks me worriedly.
"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" Alois looks at me skeptically.
"You did it again, you're supposed to be relaxing, that's the whole purpose of the day." He says.
"I know it is, but so much still needs done at home and I just can't get it out of my mind."
"Sebastian can handle all that, he's -"
"Logically I know that, but he has those lessons with his father to worry about."
"He took the day off, he doesn't have to worry about it today."
"Then there's the children's toys that I promised I'd mend."
"He can do that too."
"and if they're hungry, I should be there in case they're hungry and -"
"That's what their father's for, do you do this all the time when you go out?" Alois asked shaking his head.
"Don't you, you have Lenora at home."
"That's right, but Naveen is there too and he is her father after all. Just because you're the mother doesn't mean everything has to be on you."
"But let's say they're hungry, Sebastian isn't used to feeding them all so much, he does it when I need a break from it but what if -"
"What if everyone's just fine and Sebastian has it under control?" Alois points out.
"What about the -"
"Ciel, even mothers need time." Lizzy says with an encouraging smile.
"I feel terrible about leaving Sebastian to care for them on his own, what if they -"
"One day if I have a family, I hope I can be half the mother you are." Lizzy tells me and before I can reply, I hear Finny and Mey-Rin followed by two small familiar voices and I turn toward the sounds.
Rachel is giggling and skipping in a circle around our maid who grins happily and Vincent is holding Finny's hand. Behind them I see Sebastian and the rest of our staff bringing Rowan, Evian and the babies.
I notice Cynna has joined them in his human form, his green eyes are keeping close watch on the servants.
"Look, we found him!" Rachel cries running over to us. "We are good at finding him." She throws her arms around me and I return the hug and find myself surrounded by my children.
"We missed you very much, daddy said we could have a walk and you will be happy to see us because you are not good at not being worried for us."
"Dad is doing good,we are being nice and we even got Cynna to come!" Vincent pointed to our butler who gave a short bow.
"I see that, I missed you my little ones." I tell them.
"Our baby hearts are happy when you are here mommy, when you come home can we have a story and rock in the chair until we are sleepy?"
"Rachel, now isn't the time, we came to say hello and then continue on our way." Sebastian said. I know he did this for me, he doesn't usually bring everyone out like this. He goes out of his way to make sure I can be comfortable and I never tell him nearly enough that I appreciate his efforts. He's a great father and that just makes the love I have for him stronger.
there's not a lot of opportunity to relax and have a clear mind, not after being a mother, but you learn the meaning of unconditional love and if you're lucky enough to have a mate like mine, that love lasts forever