Chapter 11

A deafening, rumbling crash jerked Loki out of sleep several hours later, actually making him jump from his bed. He dropped to the floor right away, shaking and certain that all life had come to an end. When nothing else happened and when his lungs began to hurt from lack of air he took a breath and took stock. What had that noise been?

He sat up just in time to see a blinding flash of light and he crouched down on the floor again. No, something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. They had to be under attack! Frightened now, Loki began crawling toward Laufey and Farbauti's bed. Within moments he was there-if crawling was ever to become a competitive sport, he would win with the speed he'd just managed-and another crash and flash sent him vaulting up and over Farbauti to land in the middle of the bed, waking both Farbauti and Laufey.

Laufey was the first to sit up. "What's going on? Loki?"

"We're under attack!"

Laufey was on his feet immediately. "WHAT?"

Farbauti sat up and looked around. "Under attack?"

Another crash and flash made Loki duck and cover his head. "The palace is going to come down!"

He didn't expect what he heard next. A hand came to rest on his head and he heard the both of them chuckling. He stared at them, certain that they'd both gone mad.

"It's not an attack, Loki," Farbauti said, smoothing his hair. "It's just a storm."

The next crash made the whole palace shake. "That's a storm?"

Laufey went to the window and looked out. "Looks like it." Another crash and flash. "A good one, too. Come take a look."

Loki winced and grabbed a pillow. "That would be risking death."

"Nonsense," Laufey said, returning to the bed and scooping him up. "It's nothing to be afraid of, son." He returned to the window with Loki on his hip and held back a curtain. "See?"

The next flash nearly blinded him, but that was all it was, just a harmless flash of light. The crash that came with it made him wince, and he was left blinking. "I see."

Laufey carried him back to the bed and he was about to place Loki in his own bed when a series of loud crashes made Loki dive for cover in his chest. Laufey paused, patted Loki's back, and returned to the big bed, settling Loki in between him and Farbauti before tucking him in.

Loki lay there, uncertain. "This is...is this all right?"

Farbauti kissed his forehead. "Of course it is. We used to do this with you all the time."

"That was then," Loki reminded her. He was grown. Surely she and Laufey realized this! "This is now."

"Go to sleep, son," Laufey said, sounding almost asleep himself.

Loki was about to protest when he heard a faint snore from Laufey. He turned to talk to Farbauti, but she was asleep as well. He shifted, intending to get up and go back to his bed, but both of them shifted in response, and Loki froze. He'd woken them both up once and he didn't want to do it again. He settled back into the pillow and waited, certain that once some more time had passed he'd be able to go back to his own bed. Gradually, the storm eased until there was only the sound of falling rain, Laufey's and Farbauti's breathing a gentle counterpoint. The feather comforter over him was soft and warm and there was an odd feeling of security in having Laufey and Farbauti on either side of him. It awoke old feelings of warmth and safety and love. It was with that final thought that he felt himself slip into a deep and refreshing sleep, too tired now to think of moving.

He woke up the following morning snuggled between Laufey and Farbauti as if he'd always done so. Both of them had moved during the night and wrapped an arm around him, making him feel positively cozy-and very self-conscious. His nose was inches from their chests-BOTH of their chests. Carefully, he edged more toward Laufey and a chuckle crept up behind him.

"You should have seen your face," Laufey whispered gleefully.

Loki told himself sternly not to blush. "Please don't mention this to her."

Laufey's grin grew wider. "You used to sleep on her chest as a baby, you know."

It was useless to fight it any longer and the blush made his face flame. "I was a baby."

"And you were just as pink-cheeked then as you are now," Laufey said, giving a light pinch to Loki's face. "Are you ready to get up?"

"And for you to stop teasing me? Yes."

Laufey helped him get up from the bed and at his insistence, Loki walked the entire distance to the bathroom. Once he was there Laufey helped him take of the necessary, undress, wash, and dress again in his clothes for the day. They both left the bath just as Farbauti was approaching it, wrapped in her robe with her eyes barely open. She gave them a sleepy good morning and disappeared into the bath, closing the door behind her. Laufey and Loki headed toward the family room for breakfast, and by the time Farbauti, Helbindi, and Bylestir joined them, everyone seemed awake and ready to face the day.

The physician stepped up Loki's exercises over the next two weeks. It seemed the harder he worked, the more the physician wanted him to do, so much so that Loki cherished daydreams of dropping the man into a pit of snakes and fire sometimes. He hurt a great deal and the massages became things to endure rather than enjoy, but gradually (and grudgingly), Loki noticed a difference in his strength and range of motion. He began to feel more like the healthy man he was instead of an invalid.

He received more letters from home. Thor wrote that he'd given up taking on bilgesnipes and was instead planning a long camping trip with Sif and their other friends, so he was taking the opportunity to write before they left. Thor hoped that a trip out in the wilds would be what he needed since he found himself too prone to brooding. Odin wrote that Thor had decided to go camping and hopefully he wouldn't get into trouble. Odin also wrote that he'd been keeping busy and had actually set up a chessboard the night before...and then he remembered. He ended the letter with his first chess move and invited Loki to send his move in the next letter he wrote. Freya sent a small chest of books and wrote that she'd chosen some items for the literature exchange and requested that Loki and Farbauti and Laufey choose some books to send back. Loki was delighted with the books and spent the morning showing them to Laufey, Farbauti, Helbindi, and Bylestir. He read his favorite narrative poem aloud that evening after supper and when they all leaned back in their chairs at the end and smiled, he knew that they'd enjoyed it as much as he did.

At the physician's insistence, Laufey made room in his schedule so he could accompany Farbauti and Loki outside every day for an hour or so. The physician stated that Loki needed plenty of sunlight, fresh air, and walks so that his body could get used to moving more. It was odd, but Loki often found himself slipping his hands into Laufey's and Farbauti's hands while they walked. He didn't know why he did it; it was something unconscious, and neither of them ever remarked on it. He could tell they noticed, though. Another thing that Loki realized was that when he lay down for a rest in the afternoon, he either lay very close to either Laufey or Farbauti or he would end up on their bed, even if he started his rest in his bed.

He was a grown man. All right, so he'd been ill, but that was no reason to cuddle up to his biological parents whenever he slept. Not at his age, at least! What the blazes was going on?

He became concerned enough about it that one night a week later he brought up the topic just as he was settling into bed. "Have either of you noticed me acting odd lately? More...clingy?"

Laufey and Farbauti exchanged an amused look. "Just a touch," Farbauti admitted. "What have you noticed?"

Loki related everything he'd noted over the past week. "Is something going on with me?"

Laufey took a seat on the side of Loki's bed and patted his shoulder. "Your mother and I noticed right away when all of this started with you. It's something that every Jotun goes through when he's a few years of age and we think it's happening with you now since you've come back to Jotunheim. On Asgard, I don't think it would have happened."

"Just what is happening?" Loki asked nervously.

"It's called vairairha," Laufey explained. "It's a process that healers and physicians say allows a child to bond with his parents or other blood relatives. Sometimes, it's even happened to adoptive parents, but only if those adoptive parents and the child are all Jotun."

Loki absorbed the explanation and thought about it. "So...it's a survival mechanism?"

"Exactly," Farbauti confirmed. "We asked the physician when we noticed all of this beginning and he confirmed that it's happening. Everything that's been going on is normal."

"Is anything else going to happen?" he asked, thinking about any number of unpleasant events. The difficulties and memories of adolescence on Asgard were still strong in his mind and he didn't look forward to a repeat performance on Jotunheim. Odin had often grumbled that he was surprised they had survived the combined adolescence of Loki and Thor and he could only imagine how another one would be.

Laufey shook his head. "No, you'll just want to be close to us. You'll want to have more physical contact, too, so don't feel shy about it. It's something necessary, and you'll know when enough's enough."

It seemed he had to be content with that. The following day Loki brought it up to the physician.

"Your parents are right," he said, working on Loki's hands. "It'll be like this for a while, but when it's time for it to stop, it'll stop."

Loki thought about it. "I see." Then, something occurred to him. "You know, I've known you since I came, but I've yet to know your name."

The physician looked at him and smiled. "It's Karres, prince. Any pain in your hands?"

"No."

"Good. Like your parents told you, you'll feel like this for a while, and then you'll feel more like yourself. You may feel closer to them afterward, but that's to be expected."

"As close as I feel to my Asgardian family?" The question crept out before he could stop it. Homesickness would hit him from time to time, overwhelming him for a second or two before he pushed it down in his mind, but it had been happening more often lately.

Karres gave him an understanding look. "Perhaps. You know, I was adopted."

Loki looked up at Karres, surprised that the man would share something so personal. He was usually a bit more aloof. "You were?"

"Mm-hmm. I was a member of one of the mountain clans. Hardscrabble sort of existence in our clan, and the clan chief ruled strictly. For some reason, he didn't like me, so he tormented me. I could never please him, no matter what I did or said."

"Didn't your parents protect you?"

"Children are raised communally in the clans. We know who our mothers are, of course, but for all anyone knew, the chief could have been my father. It's rare that someone knows who his father is. My mother didn't have much time for me-I don't think she ever wanted children in the first place, and she told me that if I didn't want the chief to hurt me I should stop annoying him. By the time I was eight, I'd had enough, so I packed all I had and came here to the capital. I found work in an apothecary's shop, and after a year he and his wife adopted me. I never felt close to my first mother and I felt as if I'd found my true family as soon as I met them."

Loki understood. His Asgardian family felt like his true family, even though he was Jotun by birth. Odin and Frigga hadn't wanted him to feel like an outsider on Asgard, but there were often times he felt like one on Jotunheim. Odd, wasn't it? "I see. Is there anything I should do, regarding this?"

"If you try to resist it, it lasts longer, and usually it's more difficult for you emotionally when you finally allow it to happen," Karres explained. "I bonded in the same way with my present parents and at first, I resisted it. I didn't want to trouble them with anything since they were kind enough to take me in, but eventually, they noticed. They even helped me through it by taking the decision out of my hands."

"How so?"

"They began to shower me with affection and they held me a great deal. It was like getting a cool drink of water on a hot summer's day when you had no idea water even existed. I could be in the house working on my lessons and then the next thing I knew I would be plucked out of my chair by my mother and held for a few minutes. I could be in the shop helping my father and he would lift me up to reach something on a high shelf and he wouldn't let go of me once I'd fetched it, opting instead to carry me around on his hip for a little while. My mother would smooth my hair several times a day, my father would pat me on the back or grip my shoulder, and if we went anywhere together, they would take my hands as a matter of course. Those times are still some of my best memories. It's like they held my heart in their hands, and I wanted them to have it, even though it terrified me."

Loki didn't expect the lump in his throat. One moment, he was fine, and the next, he was swallowing back tears. He hadn't known that the feelings he'd been struggling with since the vairairha started could be put into words, but there they were.

Karres took one look at him and wrapped him in a robe before handing him a handkerchief. "Wait here, please, prince. I'll be right back."

Loki was battling with his emotions when Laufey and Farbauti arrived, Karres right behind and explaining what had happened. Without a word both of them sat down on the table beside Loki and held him while Karres slipped back out, giving them privacy. Loki cried quietly for a while, being held first by Farbauti, then Laufey, and back again. When the storm of tears calmed except for the occasional hitch of his shoulders when he breathed in, Farbauti smoothed his hair while she and Laufey each took one of his hands and held them.

"Any better?"

"I feel positively mortified at crying like an infant, but yes, I feel better. I don't know what made me start crying."

"It's normal," Laufey assured him. "Karres did tell us that this process will generate a lot of emotions in you, especially since you're older, and they'd have to get out somehow. Crying's good."

Loki took the clean handkerchief Farbauti offered and buried his face in it. "If you say so."

"Don't worry about the tears, Loki," Farbauti told him. "We've all gone through what you're going through now, so there's no shame in it. We'll just have to stock up on handkerchiefs and have a good supply of them in every room for a while!"

The image of teetering piles of clean handkerchiefs in every room made Loki chuckle. "That might be a good idea." So saying, he leaned against Farbauti and she wrapped an arm around him while Laufey settled in on his other side. Within seconds, he felt himself relax and the awful feelings that had been swamping him receded. He felt more like himself than he'd felt in ages and he hoped the feeling stayed for a good long while.

The vairairha lasted a while longer and Loki found it more than a little inconvenient. He took Karres's and Laufey's and Farbauti's advice and gave in to any impulses he had for affection. If he spent the day with Farbauti, her ladies no longer got to monopolize him. He would pre-empt any encroachments on his time by immediately taking a seat right next to Farbauti wherever she chose to settle herself, and during the course of the hours spent at her side, he received all the attention his roiling subconscious wanted. When he spent the day with Laufey, Laufey would arrange to hold audiences and meetings in his study. He and Loki could share a sofa there and Loki could plaster himself to Laufey's side as much as the vairairha wanted.

A few days after his crying fit Loki was in the study with Laufey when Helbindi came rushing into the room. "Father, where's Mother?"

"If she's not with her ladies, I'm not sure where she is," Laufey answered, and Helbindi skidded to a halt to catch his breath. "What's the matter, son?"

"Bylestir can't stop coughing."

Laufey immediately dismissed the two councilors he'd been meeting with and got to his feet. "Where's Bylestir?"

"Sitting room."

Laufey picked up Loki and together all three of them ran for the sitting room. Loki could hear Bylestir's hollow cough halfway down the hall from the sitting room and the sound of it was frightening. He had no idea what might be wrong with him, but it sounded bad. They rushed through the door and reached Bylestir just as he gave another cough and it ended in a gasp for breath.

Laufey put Loki on a chair and knelt down in front of Bylestir. "Any pain?"

"Just from the cough," Bylestir rasped.

"One second he was fine, and the next second..." Helbindi blathered. "What do we do?"

"Calm down, first of all," Farbauti said as she reached the doorway. "Second, let me listen to him. Third, Helbindi, you go fetch Karres. He should be in his office. Bring him to mine and your father's room."

Helbindi scurried away and Loki and Laufey were quiet while Bylestir coughed again. Farbauti listened to it while standing in front of her son and then again with her ear pressed against his back and chest. Nodding, she stood up. "It's not too bad," she said, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "We'll get you settled in bed and then Karres will give you some medicine, all right?"

Bylestir gave a miserable nod and coughed again. Laufey and Farbauti helped him to his feet and Loki followed along behind as they helped him down the hallway and into their bedroom.

"Loki, we're going to have to banish you to your own room again," Farbauti said as she stripped the linens from Loki's bed.

"That's all right," Loki said, sensing that this was something serious. The vairairha had been less over the past few days, so he should be fine. He could stand being away from Laufey and Farbauti long enough for Bylestir to recover, couldn't he? Nothing to worry about. "Is he going to be all right?"

"It's the coughing sickness," Bylestir coughed. "Sometimes I can't get enough air."

"It just bears watching," Farbauti said, tucking Bylestir into bed and propping him up with pillows. "It doesn't sound too bad."

Bylestir was gasping for breath and she didn't think it sounded too bad? He couldn't believe his ears. If Bylestir sounded this bad when it wasn't 'too bad' he really didn't want to hear 'dire.'

Bylestir coughed as Karres came rushing through the door. "Will I be able to go to Midsummer?"

"Let's focus on the next few hours, shall we, prince?" Karres said, casting his eyes heavenward for patience.

Loki took himself off to his room then, feeling that Laufey and Farbauti did not need him underfoot. He was halfway to his room when he found Helbindi sitting on a bench in the hallway, his head in his hands. "Are you all right?"

Helbindi looked at him and shook his head. "Not really. It scares the life out of me every time, and no matter how often I'm told that it's not bad, it seems bad!"

Loki nodded and took a seat next to his younger brother. "I can understand that. I didn't even know he was sick. How often does he get this illness?"

"It's a chronic condition," Helbindi explained. "He's had it ever since he was young. Certain things just make it hard for him to breathe, and sometimes he doesn't even realize he's having an attack until he starts gasping for breath."

"Have either Farbauti or Laufey said that he's not doing well?" He had to ask the question; it had suddenly become very important in his mind.

"No, each time he has an attack they say he needs to rest and recover, but these attacks always seem so...so..."

"Bad?"

Helbindi gave a mirthless chuckle. "Right. We seem to be using that word a lot."

Loki patted Helbindi's shoulder and the next thing he knew, he had his arms full of his Jotun brother. That was how Laufey found them a few minutes later. "Helbindi? Loki?"

Helbindi sat up right away and released Loki. "How's Bylestir?"

"It's just a mild attack," Laufey promised him. "He'll be up and about in time for Midsummer."

Relief practically flattened Helbindi, and the next thing Loki knew, Laufey was hugging them both. "I hope that the monks forgive us for bringing all three of you to the temple during Midsummer. The Blessed Ones know you'll keep them busy!"

"I know next to nothing about Midsummer, and I'm already looking forward to it," Loki said wryly. "When can we see Bylestir?"

"How about right now? We'll have a picnic-style supper in our room tonight and Bylestir will stay with us until he recovers. Now, let's go rescue him from your mother's and Karres's fussing, hmm?"

Bylestir did seem a bit better when they went in and it wasn't until Loki was lying in his bed later that night that he realized that Bylestir had hardly coughed all through supper. That was good. He lay there, waiting for sleep, but for some reason, he couldn't fall asleep. He felt as if he had a million itches under skin and no matter what he did, they were slowly driving him mad.

He gave up about midnight. Something just felt WRONG and lying there wasn't helping matters any. He got out of bed, pulled on his robe and slippers, and left his room. He headed down the hall to Laufey and Farbauti's room and slipped inside. He would stay just long enough for that wretched itching under his skin to ease up and...spotted Helbindi curled up on the sofa near Bylestir's bed. Laufey sat up and blinked at him sleepily. "Didn't think it would take you so long, son. Want to sleep in here tonight?"

Loki looked around, confused. "Um...where?"

For an answer, Laufey left his bed, picked Loki up, and settled him in his and Farbauti's bed. "Here."

Loki was about to protest, but the itching-under-his-skin feeling left and sweet, glorious relief took its place. "Aahhhh. Yes. This is perfect."

Laufey gave a sleepy chuckle and pulled the covers up around the three of them, and Loki fell asleep to the sounds of his Jotun family sleeping. At that moment, there was nowhere else he'd rather be.