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"Mum's mad with you."

Rachel raised an eyebrow at Phillip, who stood in the doorway of her office. "You sound surprised." That had the intended effect- he huffed out a laugh, dropping his bag to the floor and coming in to sit in front of her desk. She smiled back, propped her chin on her hand. "Are you mad with me?"

He shook his head. "'Course not. I'd have preferred you over Maria, of course, but I don't blame you for not wanting to stick around."

Maria was the nanny Rachel had found for Melissa. She was a nice girl, a former student of Rachel's who had come to England with her family, only to have to spend an extra year learning English before she could take her exams. Rachel had remembered that she had been working as an Au Pair and had originally reached out in the hopes she knew someone looking for a job with an immediate start. As it turned out, she was, since her previous family had moved abroad for work. Rachel and Phillip had interviewed her, they'd seen her interact with Lacey and both agreed she would be a good fit, with enough of a spine on her that Melissa wouldn't be able to walk all over her and get her to do more than originally agreed in her contract.

Melissa had been in hospital longer than planned, another week from when Rachel had told her she wasn't staying. In the end, it had worked out better that she thought- the extra time had allowed her to find Maria, and for the girl to move into the spare room and begin learning their routine, which had the extra advantage of allowing Rachel to share the overnight childcare responsibilities for a few nights. The day Melissa had come home, Rachel agreed to picking her up, settling her in and saying goodbye to Phillip and Lacey. Mel had simply turned her face away when Rachel looked over to her, and in the end she'd simply walked out with a general goodbye to all.

Straight to Eddie, who was waiting at her house.

That had been a few days before, and since she'd had no contact from either Melissa or Maria, she could only assume things were okay. She said as much to Phillip, who shrugged. "It's fine. Mum tried to make Maria do all the stuff she didn't want to at first, but Maria just kept reminding her she was contracted to care for Lacey and to do light housework, nothing else. Mum was annoyed but she's stopped asking now. I think she's realised she needs Maria to stay."

"A little bit of humble pie won't do your mother any harm. What about you, are you okay?"

He shrugged, giving her a grin. "You know me, I'm always okay."

"I do know you," she shot him a look. "Which is why I'm asking."

"I'm fine. I just… I wish things could go back."

"To when?"

"That's just it." He looked vaguely sheepish. "I don't really know. Just… everything's so complicated now."

She gave him a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry to tell you, it doesn't get any better as you get older."

He looked glum. "Great."

W.R.

Rachel had her knees hooked over the side of her sofa, the room as dark as it could be in late afternoon. She heard a key in the lock, but didn't move until she heard Eddie softly call out to her.

"I'm in here!"

He poked his head in, did a double take. "Are you okay?"

"Trying to stave off a headache." She shifted, levered herself up and offered him a smile. "How was your day?"

"Better than yours, apparently." He came to sit behind her, hands gently pulling her down so that she was laying on his lap and he could start to run his fingers through her hair. She hummed in appreciation, catching a hold of his other hand and interlacing their fingers.

"Phillip came to see me today."

He stilled for a moment, before continuing. "Problem?"

"The opposite, actually. I think he sort of confirmed I made the right decision," she admitted. "Apparently Maria's already had to stand up to Mel a few times over what she's asking her to do, and I have no doubts that she'd be even worse if it were me. And we all know how good I am at saying no to her."

"You're doing admirably." He ducked down to press a kiss to her forehead, and she smiled.

"I feel guilty, but I think I feel more guilty over the fact I also feel relieved. If that makes sense."

"It does," he assured her. "You were exhausted, Rach, you couldn't have carried on like that. Just look at how long you slept for that first night home."

She made a face. She'd been practically falling asleep over her dinner that evening, until as soon as she'd finished Eddie had sent her off to bed and if she were honest, she didn't even remember hitting the pillow. "I have a whole new respect for people with newborns," she commented.

"Most of them aren't also holding down a full-time job."

"The fathers are."

He smiled slightly. "True."

She looked up at him, suddenly curious. "What did you do, when your boys were born?"

He was silent for a moment. "We had a lot of help. Both our mothers, Alison's sister, close friends- I don't think we were alone with them for weeks."

The look on his face had her instantly guilty. "Sorry."

But he shook his head. "It's good to remember. We were a little family of four, and we were happy." His hand left her hair to slide around her, half hugging her as much as he could from his position. "Do you want children, Rach?"

She stilled. "Where did that come from?"

He shrugged slightly. "This whole thing with Lacey... despite everything, you've never once complained about actually taking care of her."

She didn't reply immediately, teeth worrying her lip. "I did want them, when I was younger," she admitted softly, just as he was about to tell her not to worry about it.

"But not now?"

She didn't say anything again for a long moment, but Eddie was patient, hand returning to run through her hair. "I... came to terms with the fact that it wasn't going to be possible," she said slowly. "It wouldn't have been fair for me to have a child with someone who didn't know about my past, and I never dreamt I would find anyone I trusted enough to tell. Let alone someone who would be willing to stick around once they knew."

Her hand came up to caress his cheek, the angle slightly awkward thanks to her position. He caught a hold of her fingers, pressed a kiss to them. "And what about now you have?"

She swallowed thickly. "I haven't let myself think about it. Eddie, what are you actually asking?"

"Don't panic on me, love. I'm just wondering what you want."

She sat up, turning to face him properly so that she could see his face. "What do you want?"

He shrugged. "I've never been someone who absolutely wanted a houseful of children," he acknowledged, "but I love being a father. The thought of having another baby is terrifying, the possibility of what happened to Steven happening again... it makes me feel sick. But the idea of a little one with your eyes and smile running around? That's not entirely unappealing."

All of a sudden, she could see it. It was so clear, and it sent a pang lancing through her. A couple of dirt-covered children, with messy curls and beaming grins...

She shook her head to clear the image.

"This is insane. We've been back together for a few weeks, even before we were only together for a few months! We can't have a baby!"

"If that's your only issue..."

"Of course it isn't. Eddie, are you being serious about this?"

He was quiet, before he nodded slowly. "I think I am, yeah. I told you before Rachel, I want it all with you. A family, a life. Not right now, necessarily, but someday. If you want it too."

Her heart pounded in her chest, her breathing too loud between them. "I... I don't know..."

He could see the panic growing in her eyes, the way her fingers clenched around the material of her trousers. Too much, too fast, he scolded himself, hurriedly reaching for her hand. "It's okay, Rach. It wasn't supposed to be a decision made now- I just wanted to know how you felt."

"I don't know how..."

"You don't have to," he assured her hurriedly. "Forget I mentioned it."

She wasn't sure how she could. He tugged her into him and she went willingly, absently answering his questions as he spoke about an entirely different topic. But the entire time, she was turning the possibility over in her head.

She used her headache as an excuse to go and lie down, feigning sleep when she heard Eddie come to check on her a little while later. But she was wide awake, unable to stop thinking about it now he'd brought the issue out into the open. By the time he'd slipped into the bed behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist, she still hadn't managed to decipher her own feelings about it, her thoughts a confused, swirling mass of doubt and fear and just a little bit of longing.

Despite her best efforts, hours later she was still awake. Eddie had dropped off to sleep beside her, eventually rolling away which meant when long after the clock showed 1am, she finally got tired of uselessly lying in bed, it was easy enough for her to slip from beneath the covers and out of the room without disturbing him. She'd intended to head down to kitchen, but at the top of the stairs the door of one of the spare rooms caught her eye.

When she'd bought the house, it had been because she liked it. It was a good location, no work needed doing to it- the previous owners had converted it- and it had enough to space for Melissa and Phillip to visit, as her sister had tended to unexpectedly do on occasion. The fact that it had really had too much space for one person hadn't really given her pause- she'd changed one spare bedroom into an office/study, another was being used for storage as well as a spare room and the third sat somewhat blandly decorated, albeit it had been covered in posters and photos until recently, thanks to Phillip.

She'd hated the reason he was there, but couldn't deny that she'd like having him around. It was nice to have another person in the house making noise, to talk to over dinner instead of watching the news.

But her teenaged nephew was very different to a child. Without even realising, she'd drifted closer the spare room and she gently pushed the door open, staring almost blankly inside. In her mind, it was so easy to see it as a nursery instead. Not frilly and overflowing like Lacey's, but something else. A cot in the corner, changing table opposite the window…

She gave herself a shake. She wasn't even sure if she wanted children. She loved her job, taking an entire year out was a huge deal for her and if she were honest, she wasn't convinced Eddie had thought it through properly. Disregarding completely the practical issues, she wasn't sure how he'd cope with a newborn after everything that had happened with Stephen and Michael.

She let out a quiet groan, rubbing her face with her hands. She was beginning to go around in circles, she realised, and wondered if it was too late to have something stronger than tea. Probably. With a sigh, she retraced her footsteps and silently slipped back into bed, willing sleep to come.

The next morning, when Eddie woke Rachel was, for all appearances, fast asleep next to him. But he knew her pretty well, and there was something that just didn't seem right. He studied her for a few moments, absently trailing his fingers over her arm.

She wasn't asleep, he realised. He leant over, pressed a kiss to her neck. "Good morning."

"How did you know I'm awake?"

"Your hands tense up as soon as you wake up."

She rolled, ending up pressed against him. "That's creepy that you know that."

He smiled at her, reaching out to play with her hair but as he looked at her, her eyes looked drawn, anxiety and worry lining her face despite her attempt to smooth out her expression. "Rachel, listen to me- forget what I said yesterday."

She frowned. "But you-,"

"Forget it," he interrupted. "I mean it."

The last thing he had intended to do was cause her a sleepless night- he hadn't quite realised how big of a question it was for her, assuming it would be a simple yes, she wanted children at some point, or no she didn't. Instead, he'd apparently stumbled across a much touchier subject than he'd realised.

"I saw your face," she said quietly. "You want more children, Eddie."

"I want children with you," he corrected. "But there's more than one type of family, Rach, and I want what you want. Children or no. And didn't I just say to forget it?"

"You brought it up in the first place."

Which he now regretted, he thought. He pulled her into his arms and rolled at the same time, ending up hovered over her, arms encasing her. She looked surprised, and then grinned. "We both have to go to work."

"You sure?"

She smiled. "Very. Unfortunately."

"We could call in sick."

"No, we couldn't. Max would have a field day with me, and you've only been back a few weeks."

He pouted dramatically, feeling silly but it worked and she giggled, stretching up to plant a kiss on his jaw. "Move it, Lawson."

She pushed at his shoulder and he toppled to the side, landing in a heap and smiling broadly as he watched her climb out of bed and head out towards the bathroom. "By the way?" She popped her head back in. "Nice distraction."

He flushed. Busted.