December 1980

As Freya healed the wounds from Snape's Sectumsempra Curse that scattered Sirius's chest hurriedly, Sirius whined, "My blasted mother must've told my cousins that I killed my brother. They seem to be taking extra pleasure in cursing the shit out of me these days."

Freya chuckled, "Well, can you honestly blame them? They did love him. You can't tell me that if someone killed James, you wouldn't come after them with a vengeance."

"I'd take care of you, Annabelle, and Harry first," Sirius said, wincing from the pain in his chest.

"Oh, would you now?" Freya sneered. "Is that what you were doing when you killed your brother? Looking out for us?"

Sirius bit his lip, hands tightening into fists where they rested on the kitchen table and his leg. He took a deep breath as Freya began to drop Essence of Dittany on his halfway-healed bare chest, then said softly, "I thought we were past this."

Freya glared at Sirius as he hissed from the sting of the Dittany on the deepest gash. "It's only been a few months," Freya said coldly. "You can't really have expected me to have just forgotten about it."

"Well, as enthusiastic as you are in my bed, I had rather thought so," Sirius taunted. Freya growled, raising a blood-soaked hand to slap him, only for him to easily catch her wrist in a vice-like grip. Sirius smirked at her. "You don't seriously expect me to keep letting you do that."

Huffing, Freya replied, "I suppose not, but one can hope."

"Well, don't hold your breath," Sirius said, leaning forward as he pulled Freya closer until their faces were inches apart. "I understand being angry with me, but you can't keep hitting me. I didn't let my mother and father get away with it, and I certainly won't let you."

"You have before," Freya said as a flood of adrenaline filled her veins. She bit her lip as the rush hit her head, her own personal high.

"And I won't again," Sirius replied easily. "I'd suggest you stop trying it before Annabelle's old enough to form memories. We wouldn't want her getting the idea that hitting people is proper behavior, now, would we?"

A grin pulled at one corner of Freya's mouth. "No, of course not."

Sirius watched Freya's face carefully. "You like to push me," he observed. "You do it all the time. You try to press all sorts of little buttons with me like you're trying to get me to react a certain way."

"Maybe I am," Freya teased, brushing her lips over his before pulling back.

Sirius's gray eyes clouded with lust, but he didn't move or release Freya's wrist. "I'm never going to react how you want me to," he said slowly. "I'm not him, Freya. I made you a promise, and damn it, I'm going to keep it. You can't push me into treating you like he did."

"Who says that's what I'm trying to do?" Freya asked, batting her eyelashes at him as she smirked.

"No one had to say it," Sirius said. "It's rather obvious, isn't it?"

"How so?"

Sirius sighed. "You think I haven't noticed that every time we go to bed together, somehow I manage to walk away with bruises and scratches I didn't have before?" He paused, but when Freya's expression didn't change, he continued, "Freya, you push at me all the time, but you push hardest when we're having sex. I don't know why exactly you feel like you have to do this, but please, stop."

Freya thought for a moment, then slowly raised her left hand and ran her fingers through Sirius's long black hair. He relaxed into her touch, closing his eyes as he relished the gentleness of it. She said softly, "I still see him, Sirius. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. I still see him damn near every day. I see him most in you every time we go to bed together, and I can't stop it."

Sirius frowned. "So, what, are you telling me that, in your mind, you're not having sex with me, you're having sex with my brother? You're so rough on me because that's how you were with Regulus?"

Freya lowered her eyes, shaking her head. "It's not fair to you, I know," she mumbled. "I'm sorry, but I can't seem to control it. I dream about him constantly, and it feels so real. Bruises and cuts appear, and I can't remember how I got them. You definitely didn't put them there; like you said, you promised you never would. I go out shopping, and I think I see him for split seconds in every shop, but he's never really there."

Sirius took the Essence of Dittany off the table, deciding suddenly to finish healing the last of his wounds before he spoke. "You get high on it," he declared. "I can see it in your eyes every time you push my buttons. Every time you elicit a reaction from me, it gets you off, doesn't it?"

Freya's hands were shaking from the adrenaline pumping through her body. She couldn't deny his words; the truth of them was too obvious. "I'm sorry," she said, although she didn't sound particularly sincere. "It's not that I want to hurt you. I just… Oh, Merlin, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how I got like this, but he was always so... " She paused, taking a shaky breath. "He was so strong, so forceful, and you're the opposite. You're gentle and kind. I don't… I don't know how to deal with you."

"So you're trying to make me act like him?" Sirius asked sadly.

"I suppose I am," Freya said.

Sirius slammed a fist on the kitchen table, then stood up, forcing Freya to fall from her kneeling position onto the floor. He paced back and forth in the kitchen a few times, then he turned to her. He grabbed hold of her arm, tight enough to be uncomfortable but not enough to truly hurt her, yanked her off the floor, and pushed her hard and fast against the wall. Freya couldn't help the mad little giggle that escaped her as he growled deeply, "So, is this what you wanted from me, Freya? Hmm?" He pinned her effectively with his hips. "You want me to be rough with you?"

Freya grinned. "I want you to make me feel so good, it hurts," she whispered, breathing in his ear.

Freya felt Sirius shiver as she dragged her nails hard down his chest, making his chest bleed lightly again. He grabbed her wrists and slammed her hands against the wall to stop her. She felt him laugh, but she could see in his face that there was no humor in it. "No," Sirius snarled. "Enough. That's enough. I will not hurt you, Freya. Do you understand me? I won't hurt you, and you can not keep hurting me. Maybe Regulus enjoyed these little ministrations of yours, but I don't. I am not my brother, Freya, and while I might know that you're just using me as a cheap substitute for him, I don't need you flaunting it in my face every chance you get." Freya's heart was pounding in her ears, making processing Sirius's words a bit difficult, so he shook her and said again, "Do you understand, Freya? I am not Regulus! Regulus is dead. You hear me? Dead."

Freya shook her head. "I know, I know," she said bitterly. "The fact that you're still alive reminds me of that every day."

Sirius huffed. "We've been going back and forth like this for six months, love," he said tenderly, letting go of one her wrists to brush her auburn hair back from her face. "Please, I'm begging you. Stop this, please. I don't want this to be what our life together is like."

"It is what it is," Freya purred, ghosting her fingers over Sirius's cheek.

"And what it is, is shit," Sirius snapped, brushing her hand away. "I love you, Freya. When we started this, you said you didn't want to hurt me."

"And I don't," Freya replied.

"Right, you just want me to hurt you," Sirius sneered. "And I won't do it, so you've been pushing my buttons every way you know how to try to make it happen."

"And it never works," Freya snapped back.

"Believe me, darling, you don't want to know how many times you've come this close to my breaking point, including now," Sirius said with disdain. "But I'm done. I'm not putting up with this behavior out of you anymore. Now, you start back to work tomorrow. Maybe spending more time with more people in a normal setting like the Auror Office will help." Freya bit her lip, reaching up to touch him again just as Annabelle began to cry in the nursery. Sirius sighed, letting go of Freya and pushing away from the wall. "Go to bed," Sirius mumbled. "I've got her." The tension in the room suddenly dissipated, and Freya's energy drained, leaving her with nothing left. She leaned against the wall for another minute as Sirius left the room, taking slow, deep breaths. Finally, she did go to bed, struggling to slow her mind down until, suddenly, she was asleep.

Christmas came quickly, but the boys were all away on missions for the Order of the Phoenix. Lily was planning to bring Harry over to the flat for dinner that night, but for the majority of the day, it would just be Freya and Annabelle. Naturally, it could only have been a surprise when Freya was playing peekaboo with Annabelle on the nursery floor and heard the distinctive 'pop' of an apparation. Immediately, she drew her wand and stood, leaving Annabelle on the floor giggling, and stepped carefully toward the open door. She glanced out to one side of the hall toward her and Sirius's bedroom without sticking her head out of the door, standard auror behavior, but no one was there. She held her wand at the ready, took a deep breath, then threw herself to the other side of the door to look out the other way. A familiar voice called, "Locomotor Mortis!"

The spell struck Freya's arm, and her legs froze in place. She caught her balance on the wall, throwing a spell back blindly. "Expulso!"

The spell was blocked by a Shield Charm, exploding against it violently and knocking her attacker over. Before the smoke from the explosion cleared, a figure suddenly slammed against Freya, knocking her back against the wall. Annabelle started crying, and as her vision cleared, Freya found herself chest against chest with Regulus. Freya gasped as Regulus smirked at her. "Merry Christmas, Vixen," he chuckled.

Freya pointed her wand at herself, muttering a counter-curse under her breath and unfreezing her legs. She shoved Regulus out of the way angrily, rushing over to Annabelle and scooping her up, before turning on Regulus. "What the bloody hell?" she snapped viciously. "Ignoring the fact that you're somehow alive and have been hiding from me the last six months, why couldn't you have just bloody knocked on the damn door? Was scaring the hell out of me, attacking me when I could have been holding our daughter, attacking me at all actually, really necessary?"

Regulus just kept grinning. "Oh please," he laughed. "You loved it. Every second of it. Got your adrenaline up, right? I seem to recall that you just can't live without your little natural high these days. Thought you might enjoy a little…"

"Oh, shut up," Freya hissed, rocking Annabelle and shushing her as much as could to try to make her stop crying. "Look at this, Regulus. Look at your daughter. You didn't just scare me a little; you scared your daughter. You attacked her mummy, Regulus, and now she's terrified of you."

"Oh, come on, now," Regulus huffed. "Annabelle knows me; she loves me."

Regulus stepped forward to try to take Annabelle from Freya's arms; Freya didn't resist until Annabelle's crying turned to screaming and crying, and one of Annabelle's tiny fists tangled in Freya's long auburn hair and clung to it. "She doesn't know you're her father," Freya snapped, stepping back to keep Annabelle out of Regulus's reach. "She's never seen you before."

"She has, too," Regulus said angrily. "She's seen me at least once a month. Just because I took away your memories of it doesn't mean I haven't been her father."

Freya gasped. "You've been doing what?"

"Memory Charms are powerful things," Regulus said. "I've slipped in to see you and Annabelle quite a few times now. We go through this every damn time, and every time you get more upset. Probably because the charm is becoming so repetitive with you that it's starting to have more effects on your mind, and I'm sorry about that."

"Then stop coming here," Freya said heatedly, struggling not to shout at him for Annabelle's sake, who was still crying but had calmed a bit. "Stop sneaking in here, stop coming to see us, please. Didn't you say that you wanted me to move on? I keep trying here, but you slipping in and out of my life can't possibly help that."

"Ah, so some of your memories are starting to slip through the charms," Regulus said thoughtfully, slowly moving closer to his girls. "Are you saying you don't want anything to do with me anymore? That you'd rather be with Sirius?"

Freya let out an annoyed groan. "I'm saying stop forcing me to play games. You're either alive, or you're not. Stop torturing me with these little glances in shops and short little visits."

Regulus reached up and touched her face, unusually gently. "You're happy with him," he said, and his tone left no room for doubt.

Freya sighed, her eyes stinging as tears built. "Regulus, I'm a nineteen-year-old widow with a baby. He's… he's easy, honey. I love you more than anything in the world. Your only real competition is Annabelle, but with you dead… Merlin, he's so fucking easy to be with. He's nothing like you, though. He's good and kind and easy, but there's always something… missing. That spark that you light in me, the way you make me feel like I've got fire in my veins; it's not there."

"Yeah, he makes you feel like ice, shivering and cold and frozen in a moment in time," Regulus said softly. "You might have explained this to me before."

Freya rested her face against his hand, closing her eyes, unable to look at him as a tear strayed down her cheek. Annabelle was still whimpering, her hazel eyes wide and round with massive tears. Freya mumbled, "Please, stop doing this to me. You're tearing me apart, Regulus. Even with you regularly obliviating me, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that everything I know is a lie, that you're alive."

"I'm sorry," Regulus said quietly before planting a kiss on her forehead. "I want to; believe me, I want to leave you two alone and let you get on with your lives. I just can't though. I know I'm being selfish as hell, but I can't stand to see you with someone else, especially not him."

Freya frowned, opening her eyes to glare at him. "That's not my fault," she said angrily. "You put me in this position, knowing how things would play out, and are refusing to change things. I mean it, Regulus. I love you, but I'm begging you. If you're not going to come back and actually be with me and Annabelle, then please, stop coming around."

"And what about our little secret romps?" Regulus said, running his hands up and down her curves suggestively. "You love the way I throw you around, the way I rough you up and…"

"Enough," Freya snapped. "So you're why I wake up with bruises and sore muscles and cuts I can't remember getting." She shocked Regulus by slapping him across the face, wiping away his smirk. "Sirius is insecure enough without you sleeping with me behind his back, pretending to be dead, and making me look and feel like I'm going completely mad. Stop this, please," Freya begged.

"I just wanted to see my girls for Christmas," Regulus said, hurt clear in his eyes, but Freya remained firm on the subject.

"I mean it. All this is doing is torturing everyone involved. I'm terrified that soon James and Sirius are going to have to permanently separate me and Annabelle for her own safety because I'm losing my mind from these Memory Charms." Regulus ran a hand through his hair nervously. "You want to see us for Christmas? Come back from the bloody dead," Freya snapped. "I don't understand why you're doing this to me."

"I can't come back for good until all the horcruxes have been found; you know that," Regulus reminded as he tried to tousle Annabelle's black hair, only to recoil in horror when it only made her cry more.

Freya sighed. "Actually, I didn't know that. Or maybe I did, and you just made me forget."

"Oh, yeah," Regulus groaned.

"How many have you found?" Freya asked.

Regulus sighed heavily. "Just one besides the locket, but I can't get to it. Maybe you could…"

"You're seriously about to try to send me off on a horcrux hunt from the dead?" Freya asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"It's in Malfoy Manor," Regulus snapped. "I can't get in there to steal it myself. Too many of my old Death Eater pals around there. Maybe if you asked Narcissa to give it to you…"

"Are you kidding me? She'd never do that. Maybe if you told me what it was and where to look for it, I could get the Auror Office to raid the place if I can provide good enough reason, but that's a lot of ifs…"

Regulus put his hands on Freya's hips, pulling her flush against him, Annabelle caught between them, still clinging to Freya's hair. "Ok, I'll work that out for you," Regulus muttered. "Please, Freya, I love you. You know I love you."

"Of course, I know that," Freya said, her voice softening. She reached up and tenderly touched Regulus's face, ghosting her fingers across his skin. She could almost see the sparks she felt under her fingertips igniting against his cheek. "I love you too, but you're killing me. Our daughter doesn't even know you. Do you realize how much that hurts me? As far as she's concerned, Sirius is her dad, the only dad she's ever known."

"And that kills me," Regulus said sorrowfully. "You have no idea how much I want to be here with you two."

"Then be here," Freya snapped.

"I'm here right now," Regulus murmured, leaning in and brushing his lips against Freya's. "I'm here, Freya. I'm here." He dug his fingers into her hips as their lips crashed together, melting Freya's mind in a fiery haze. She pulled away, setting Annabelle down in her crib, before turning back to Regulus and jumping him. She nipped at his lower lip, only to be pushed away again. He smirked triumphantly, taking her hand and leading her to Sirius's bedroom. He shoved her hard toward the bed, and she fell, missing the bed and hitting the floor instead. Freya looked up at him, and as much as she wanted to hate the way he acted toward her, she couldn't help the thrill that went through her as he walked over to her, grabbed her by her hair and pulled her off the floor. Their lips met again, and Freya moaned into his mouth, grabbing hold of his hair, so much shorter than Sirius's, and pulled herself as close to Regulus as possible. He chuckled, then knocked her away forcefully so that she fell onto the bed. He climbed on top of her, then slapped her across the face, hard enough to sting but not enough to bruise. He whispered, "I love you, Freya. I hate seeing you with my brother, knowing what you two do here in this bed."

Freya panted for breath, frustrated with herself for how much she loved his cruelty. "If you'd let me remember that you're alive, then I wouldn't be doing anything with Sirius," she argued.

Regulus hit her again, making Freya gasp in pain. "Which is why I can't let you," he laughed. "You'd blow my cover in a heartbeat. We only managed to keep our dating life secret for six months, and the whole time we were drowning in suspicion. Now, we've kept this secret for six months, and no one even considers the idea I could be alive. I think we're doing considerably better this time around."

"I need you here, Regulus," Freya begged as the mood of the room changed. She pushed her fingers through his hair as she continued, "Annabelle needs her daddy, and I need my husband."

Regulus flinched at the pain in her voice. "You have Sirius; you don't need me. I'm not good for you, Freya. I have never been good for you."

"I don't care," Freya insisted. "I've never cared; you know that. Sirius isn't you. I need you."

Regulus smiled sadly down at her. "I think we both know that you've never needed me," he mumbled, brushing her hair gently away from her face. "You're strong and brave, independent. You've never needed anyone. I'm the one that needs you, darling. I've always needed you desperately. I needed you to carry me through my Death Eater days; I needed you to make me into a man. Now, I need you to be here so that I can be dead long enough to stop Voldemort and save you. I need you to stay here so I can be the man you've always believed I could be. I know I should stay away, but I'm not strong enough to live without you."

"Regulus —"

"Freya, please," he interrupted.

Freya shook her head. "I can't stand living without you anymore, Regulus," she said softly. "I mean it. I'm trying so hard for Annabelle, but the longer I think you're dead, the worse it gets for me. Maybe it's the Memory Charms screwing up my brain; I don't know. But it's been bad, Regulus. So bad. It's…" she trailed off as tears tightened her throat.

Regulus frowned. "What are you trying to tell me?"

Freya gulped, shaking her head. "I can't stop thinking about you, Regulus. I can't… I can't stop wanting to be with you… And you're dead, and I can't stop seeing you everywhere I look, and…" She sniffed, struggling not to cry. "Regulus, all I can think about is being dead with you. Just to be with you again…"

Regulus let out a shaky breath, climbing off Freya and pacing the floor. Freya sat up and watched him, her whole body trembling. When Regulus finally stopped and spoke to her again, there were tears in his voice. "You mean you're suicidal?" Freya didn't respond, and Regulus punched the wall in a moment of self-hatred. "I never meant to make you feel so…" he trailed off, words escaping him. "This is all my fault. I'm so sorry, Freya. Please, don't…"

"I haven't done anything," Freya mumbled. "And I don't think I will, but if you keep coming around, watching me, locking away my memories, I don't know if I can promise it."

"Annabelle," Regulus gasped. "You can't; she needs you."

"I know she needs me," she snapped.

"Talk to Sirius about this," Regulus pleaded. "Please, please, talk to Sirius. Tell him how you've been feeling."

"Leave my head alone," Freya said softly. "Please, I think it's just making things worse for me. I won't tell anyone. Please."

Regulus shook his head. "Darling, I can't," he groaned. "I promise you, though. I won't be back. This is the last time, I swear."

"Regulus —"

"Obliviate."

"Freya?" Freya groaned, her head pounding worse than any hangover she'd ever had, and she could hear Annabelle's crying from across the hall. Lily's voice called out again nervously, "Freya? Are you here?"

Freya sat up slowly as Lily entered the bedroom, but the blood rush to her head made her dizzy and she fell back onto the bed. "Lily," Freya groaned. "Annabelle…"

"She's ok," Lily reassured. "I checked on her first. She's upset, but she's ok. Harry's in there with her. Are you ok?"

Freya shook her head. "I don't know," she said softly. She opened her eyes again, and she noticed a potion sitting on the nightstand with a note attached to it. For your headache — Sirius, the note said, but the handwriting looked more like Regulus's than Sirius's, which she found odd. She drank the deep green potion anyway, and instantly a cold sensation like a cool washcloth spread across her forehead, taking away the migraine. "I don't know what happened. The last thing I remember, it was this morning, and…"

"Talk to Sirius about this. Please, please, talk to Sirius. Tell him how you've been feeling."

Lily sat down on the bed beside her, frowning. "Freya?"

"When are the boys coming home?" Freya asked, not meeting Lily's gaze.

Lily sighed. "I don't know. Could be the next few hours, could be the next few days."

Freya nodded. "Lily, I, umm… I think something's going on inside my head. Something that's just out of my reach, and I don't know how to get to it."

Furrowing her brow, Lily asked, "What do you mean?"

Shaking her head, Freya said, "Nevermind. I'm sure it's nothing. Let's get the kids and do Christmas, yeah?"

I LOVE reviews, so please, drop me one!

Lots of Love,

WildestDreams72394