2- Trousers (pants)

January 19th, 2000

FADE IN

INT SCHOOL BUS-DAY

MRS. ALGAR's fourth grade class is climbing onto the BUS, all laughing or trying to get there things together. They all gravitate away from DAVE STUTLER, the only kid whose crotch area is darker than the rest of his pants. He sits near a WINDOW with a doodle of King Kong. A red-haired boy, ROBBIE, looks around for another seat, then reluctantly sits down next to STUTLER while trying to keep his distance.

DAVE

Jeez, my pants are so sticky. (BEAT). Robbie, please say something to me. I hate this awkward silence.

ROBBIE

(grumbling)

Isn't silence better than all this laughing?

DAVE

Great, even you're against me.

The BUS starts moving.

ROBBIE

I'm not against you. I don't want to be, I mean. But I'm the one sitting next to the pants-pisser,

no offense.

DAVE

Is that what they're calling me now?

ROBBIE

Not necessarily.

DAVE

Please don't make fun of me, Robbie. I saw what I saw. I don't care what anybody else says, there

were-

ROBBIE

I know, I know. Crazy wizard guys.

DAVE

It was true, though. I'm not crazy, I saw it with my own eyes. You know I wouldn't make this

stuff up!

MRS. ALGAR is sitting at the front of the bus. She turns around and faces the boys.

MRS. ALGAR

No shouting on the bus!

DAVE

Sorry, Ms. A.

MRS. ALGAR

I think I've heard enough apologies from you, Mr. Stutler. Whisper or don't converse at all.

BEAT.

ROBBIE

What, you want me to believe that two magicians

were trying to kill you? And that in the middle of

all this a jar fell exactly where your crotch is?

DAVE

Well… yeah.

ROBBIE rolls his eyes. BEAT.

ROBBIE

Dave, you ever heard of Schiznorena?

DAVE

No. What is that?

ROBBIE

It's this disease that makes you see things that aren't really there. I read about it somewhere. Can't exactly remember where, though.

DAVE

Oh, you mean Schizophrenia? That's not a disease, that's a mental disorder.

ROBBIE

Well, maybe you have that.

DAVE

You... you think I have a mental disorder?

ROBBIE

Well, if you're not lying about what happened in that shop it's the only explanation.

DAVE

I'm pretty sure I don't have Schizophrenia. It usually doesn't even set in until you become a teenager.

ROBBIE

I dunno. Maybe you caught it early.

DAVE

Robbie, look, I got cut with some glass right here. And a piece of my pants ripped off.

DAVE rolls up his pant sleeve.

DAVE (cont'd)

I didn't have it before today. How do you explain that?

ROBBIE

Maybe you cut your pants before and didn't realize.

DAVE

I'm telling you, a jar fell on me-

ROBBIE

But how would you really know if you had Schiznorena?!

MRS. ALGAR

Robert!

ROBBIE

Sorry, Ms. A.

DAVE

It's pronounced Skits-O-Fren-Ee-Ya.

ROBBIE

That's not the point. You could be talking to a purple giraffe right now and not know it wasn't me.

DAVE

Are you a purple giraffe?

ROBBIE

You could be talking to your mom. Heck, you could be talking to no one. The point is, you wouldn't know for sure. And since you were the only person in the store, it's the only explanation.

BEAT. Dave considers this.

DAVE

Well, sometimes there have been cases of young people getting

Schizophrenia.

ROBBIE

See? I'm not crazy to think that.

DAVE

But what if it keeps happening to me? I mean, seeing things I don't know are real. You're right, I could be talking to nothing and I wouldn't know it. Everyone would laugh at me.

ROBBIE

No they wouldn't-

DAVE

Yes they would! Nobody would understand.

BEAT

DAVE (cont'd)

Robbie, I have to transfer schools.

ROBBIE

What're you talking about?

DAVE

There are special schools where people with mental disorders are put together. Where they help you out with that stuff.

ROBBIE

Come on, you're exaggerating.

DAVE

I'm completely serious.

ROBBIE

You could fix it, though. Train not to see those things-

DAVE

Robbie, Schizophrenia's more serious than that. People go insane from it. Do dangerous things. The worst thing I did today was wet my pants. Imagine what could happen if I don't take care of it.

ROBBIE

Well, could we still see each other if you would move schools?

DAVE

Of course.

ROBBIE

Oh. If that's the case, then do whatever floats your boat. If more people will understand you there, I mean.

DAVE

I'll talk about it with my mom. See what she says.

ROBBIE

You really think this is a good idea?

DAVE glances across his seat. BECKY is laughing with a friend, completely oblivious to DAVE's conversation.

DAVE

(heartbroken)

One hundred percent.