CHAPTER 12

"The way back home's through the wild and the winds. The way back home's in your arms. All my life I've been searching for someone and I could never get it right. I've never seen so much light. - Ryan Adams

- Daryl -

Daryl regretted his decision as soon as he turned his back on Rick and saw his brother's ugly grin. Merle looked triumphant and it made Daryl's stomach turn. He didn't want to walk away from them, the closest thing to a real family he'd ever had. But it was his brother, what could he do? Even if he wanted to turn his back on his own blood, leave him in this world you couldn't survive in alone, he didn't think he could. He'd been following Merle without question his entire life. It was practically all he knew. Merle was all Daryl ever had. Except that wasn't true anymore. He had a home now and people who cared for him, didn't he? People who fought with him and for him. People he'd die for. And there was Kate. She surprised him, approaching him wild eyed and breathless. Making him promise her things he shouldn't. A promise he was breaking now. She would understand though. They'd talked about Merle. She knew how he felt and once they filled her in on what his brother had done, she would know the Dixons were no good and she would be relieved.

The thought of her finding out about Merle torturing Glenn filled Daryl with shame. Over the years he had gotten used to living with the consequences of Merle's actions. People treated him as if he were the same and he accepted it. But being away from Merle he had stopped being judged on his brother's choices and suddenly being lumped in with him again felt all wrong.

On the way to Woodbury, with her kiss so fresh he could still feel it on the corner of his mouth, he let himself hope. Hope that her unexpected emotion and affection for him was proof that she had feelings for him too. That maybe he actually was the kind of man she could be with. At least in this messed up world. He'd told himself for so long it was impossible, but maybe it wasn't. For a second he had let himself imagine their return, pulling through the gates and seeing relief light up her face. He let himself pretend that he would be the sort of man who would walk right up to her, take her in his arms and kiss her properly.

Now any chance of that, however small, disappeared and in place of it was the promise of a life of following Merle around. They had no shelter, no food, no plan.

Daryl and Merle had been wandering the woods for hours and all they had to show for it was a skinny squirrel. Merle hadn't shut up since they split from Rick and the others. Daryl had forgotten how much he talked. Half the time, Daryl tuned him out. Merle would rattle on for half an hour about some conversation he'd had years ago, coked out of his mind with some drunk guy on the street or some army story Daryl had heard a hundred times where Merle was somehow always the star. Merle cracked Merle up.

Daryl had stopped listening hours ago, instead his mind was back at the prison. He was sure he had made a mistake leaving with his brother, but he didn't know how to fix it. Maybe they'd just show up at the prison and they wouldn't turn them away. Maybe everyone just needed to cool off. Merle stopped in a small clearing between a ring of trees.

"Maybe we can set some snares here. Catch us some supper." He suggested.

Daryl just shrugged.

"What's the matter baby brother? You haven't said two words in the last hour. Old Merle borin' you?"

"Nothin' to say." Daryl mumbled.

Merle started working on the snares, running his mouth the whole time. It was no wonder they hadn't caught anything.

"So Andrea was sayin' your group lost a lot people. Said her sister died."

"Ya. While we were still at camp." Daryl still couldn't believe Andrea was alive and willingly living at Woodbury, but then again he didn't think he'd ever see his brother again and here he was.

"Such a shame. I remember that one was a good lookin' girl. Who else is still around? I was surprised that Chinese kid was still alive."

"Not many people left that you would know. Carol, Glenn, Carl...Kate." Daryl said cautiously, unsure where his brother would go with it.

"Kate? Was that the other blonde girl at camp?"

Daryl nodded.

"Goldilocks!? Goldilocks is still around?!" Merle let out a low whistle. "MmmmMmmm. I wouldn't mind reacquainting myself with that one. See if she missed Uncle Merle."

Daryl's jaw tightened and he gripped his bow.

"Shut the fuck up Merle."

"Ohhhhhhh, does Darylina have a girlfriend? Must be the end of the world, a girl like that let a no-good redneck like you into her bed?"

"I said SHUT THE FUCK UP MERLE!" Daryl bellowed, spit spraying out of his mouth and his face turning red.

"Ok. Ok." Merle held his arms up in mock surrender. Asshole grin on his face. Clearly he was thrilled he'd managed to get under his brother's skin. "Don't get your panties in a bundle."

A few hours later they circled back to the same spot to check the snares. They'd barely spoken since Merle had mentioned Kate. Merle was taking a piss while Daryl stood nearby, aiming his bow at random branches, hoping something edible would venture out.

"There ain't nothin' out here 'cept 'squitos and ants." He complained.

"Patience little brother." Merle said knowingly. "Sooner or later, squirrel is bound to scurry across your path."

"Even so, that ain't much food."

"Eh, more than nothin'."

"Have better luck goin' through one of them houses we passed back on the turn off." Daryl suggested.

"Is that what your, uh, new friends taught you, huh?" Merle started in, turning towards Daryl and sounding so much like their old man. "How to loot for booty?"

"Man, we've been out here for hours. Why don't we find a stream, try our luck with some fish?" Daryl suggested, trying to keep the conversation away from the group.

He fiddled around with the scope on his bow while Merle moved to check a snare.

"I think you're just trying to lead me back to the road, man. Get me over to that prison."

"They've got shelter. Food. Pot to piss in. Might not be a bad idea."

Merle looked up at him from where he was kneeling on the ground. "For you maybe. Ain't gonna be no damn party for me."

He stood to wind the snare string up.

"Everyone will get used to each other." Daryl was trying to convince himself as much as Merle.

"They're all dead. Makes no difference."

Daryl couldn't tell if Merle really believed this or if he was just trying to convince him they shouldn't head that way. Either way, hearing him say that made it feel like ice water had just filled his veins.

"How can you be so sure?" He asked, his tone flat in an attempt to hide the self hatred and dread he was experiencing inside.

"Right about now he's probably hosting a housewarming party where he's gonna bury what's left of your pals. Let's hook some fish. Come on."

Merle stalked off. Daryl followed lamely, trying to think of a way to get himself out of this mess he'd created and back to the prison where he was needed.

As it turned out, Daryl didn't have to come up with a plan. As they had drawn nearer to Yellow Jacket Creek, they heard the cry of a baby. Daryl went running towards the sound, much to Merle's displeasure, and found a family fighting a group of walkers on a bridge. They were cornered and would easily be overtaken, but Daryl was able to get it under control. When the last walker was killed, Merle, who couldn't bother to help, started to dig through the family's car, planning to take whatever he wanted as payment for Daryl's good deeds. In that moment, with his brother pawing through the car of desperate people, where an hysterical mother sat trying to calm her wailing baby, he saw the face of the man whose family he just saved. He saw the fear and disgust he held for Merle and Daryl and he couldn't do it anymore. In that moment he really saw his brother and how truly selfish he was. He forced Merle, with his crossbow pointed at his head, to get out of the car and the family drove away.

Daryl stormed off, not caring if Merle followed.

"What shit you doing pointin' that thing at me?" Merle said angrily, catching up with Daryl in the woods.

"They were scared man." For the first time in his life, Daryl didn't care if Merle was mad at him.

"They were rude is what they were. Rude and they owed us a token of gratitude." Merle fumed.

"Ah, they didn't owe us nothin'." Daryl continued to walk quickly through the undergrowth, Merle running after.

"Ya, you helpin' people out, out of the goodness of your heart, even though you might die doing it. Is that something your Sheriff Rick taught you?"

Merle stopped and Daryl turned, his anger overflowing.

"There was a BABY!" He shouted. How could his brother be so uncaring?

"Oh otherwise you would've just left them to the biters then." Merle prodded.

Daryl paused.

"Man, I went back for ya. You weren't there. I didn't cut off your hand neither. You did that, way before they locked you onto that roof and you asked for it."

Daryl was shouting, waving his arrows around, standing up to a brother he never could stand up to before. Merle laughed, it was a defensive and angry laugh. Memories of their father flooded Daryl's mind, his father would do the same thing as he was working himself up into a fury.

"You know what's funny to me?" Merle started. "You and Sheriff Rick are like this now, right?". He crossed his two fingers. Daryl eyed him warily, anger still oozing out of every pore. "I'll bet you a penny and a fiddle of gold, huh, that you never told 'em that we were plannin' on robbin' that camp blind."

"Didn't happen." Daryl growled, teeth gritted, trying to distance himself from a plan he was ashamed to have been a part of, knowing now how it would've hurt those he cared for.

"Ya, it didn't 'cause I wasn't there to help you." Merle spat.

"What, like when we were kids? Huh? Who left who then?"

"WHAT?" Merle exploded, "Huh? Is that why I lost my hand?"

Daryl got in his brother's face. "You lost your hand cause you're a simple minded piece of shit!" and he turned and started to walk away, disgusted with himself for leaving the group for this. For breaking his promise to her. For what? This sorry excuse of a person who was bent on dragging him down with him.

"Ya, you don't...", Merle screamed and grabbed Daryl's shirt, causing it to rip and Daryl to fall to the ground.

Merle stopped yelling and stood there. The fight suddenly gone from him while Daryl tried to pull his shirt back on. He knew what had made his brother stop, he knew he could see the scars their father had given him. They criss crossed his back, a permanent reminder that he was worthless. Another way his past was always with him, no matter how he tried to escape it. He kept them well hidden, enough so that Merle hadn't even seen them before.

"I, I didn't know he was...," Merle sounded sorrowful and apologetic, but it was too late.

"Ya. He did. He did the same to you." Daryl said, holding back the emotion and failing. "That's why you left first."

He was gathering the arrows that had scattered when he fell.

"I had to man. I would've killed him otherwise." Merle stammered his reasons. Daryl had stood, marching into the woods.

"Where you goin'?" Merle called after him desperately.

"Back where I belong." Daryl cried.

"I can't go with you. I, I tried to kill that black bitch, damn near killed the Chinese kid."

"He's KOREAN."

Merle's face contorted in frustration, "Whatever! Doesn't matter man, I just can't go with you."

"You know, I may be the one walking away, but you're the one that's leaving. Again."

Daryl walked off. It was true. Merle had done this to himself. He couldn't just do the awful things he did and expect Daryl to continue to pay the price. He shouldn't have to throw away what he had worked for because Merle wanted to beat people, steal from people, kill people. They weren't the same, they never were. Merle was his brother and he would always love him and care about him, but Daryl had always longed for more. A place to belong, a sense of family, a chance to be worth something to someone.

He had that now. For the first time ever, here in this fucked up world he had found a family and a place to call home. And maybe, maybe if he was really lucky, he'd have someone to share it with. His life had been filled with so much darkness, there was always that emptiness inside him that he was looking to fill. He realized now that when he was with her, he didn't feel so empty and now, far from her, not knowing if she was ok, the emptiness was there again.

Here, back in the darkness, he realized what it had been all along, he had never known someone that was so filled with light. She wasn't just good, she had this ability to walk in a room and fill it up. When she talked, her whole face came alive. She just made life better and if he could get back in time, he swore to himself, he would spend the rest of his life loving her. She might not want anything to do with him, but his heart was her's for the taking.

At some point on his journey back to the prison, Daryl became aware that Merle was following him. Once he had cooled down, Daryl was glad for this. It wasn't that he wanted him out of his life, he just wasn't going to spend the rest of it following him around.

He worried how it would go with Glenn, Maggie and Rick when Merle showed up with him, but he knew they'd figure something out. One thing he was sure of, he wasn't going to leave them again.

He had gradually been steering them towards the prison over the last couple days, but still it was taking forever to get there. Daryl tried to push the idea that they were all dead out of his mind. He would never forgive himself if that were the case. They were about a mile out, deep in the woods, when they heard the first shots ring out. Daryl looked at Merle, eyes wide with realization and panic.

"The prison! Come on!" Daryl yelled, running as fast as he could through the kudzu and fallen branches of the Georgian woods.

His side ached and his lungs stung, but he didn't stop. The gunfire continued on, stopping for a couple minutes, before starting up again. The walkers were growing heavier the closer they came, being drawn by the same noise that they were. He and Merle emerged from the woods that surrounded the prison. Daryl saw Rick pinned against the outer fence struggling with two walkers with more approaching. He stopped, aimed and sent a bolt through the walker's skull. Merle came running forward, a length of rebar he'd picked up on the road in his hands. Between the three of them, they handled the immediate threat. Rick and Merle stopped at the fence, surveying a field of walkers. Daryl took off running towards the prison, Merle shouting after him. He ran alongside the dog run, pushing walkers aside, stabbing them when they got too close. He turned and ran through the fallen gates and up the gravel slope to the prison building. He could see the rest of them huddled near each other at the fence.

"Open the gate!" He bellowed. Carl ran to unlock it and Daryl pushed his way through. He saw her then, she took a couple hesitant steps, but their eyes met and he thought she must've understood then because she broke into a run, a sob escaping from her throat and threw herself at him. He held her, ignoring everyone else for the moment, resting his lips on the top of her head as she cried into his chest.