Chapter 30

Kate

The cement floor of the cell felt like ice as Kate stood and dressed for the day. She had woken alone, but that wasn't unusual. It was a rare morning when she found Daryl next to her once the sun had risen. She wasn't sure where he'd headed this morning, but she wanted to find him.

The fear that griped her yesterday as she stared down at the little plastic window, with its two pink lines staring back at her like a death sentence, had somewhat abated. Everything looked better in the morning, at least that's what she'd heard. She hadn't been sure how Daryl would react, both of them having discussed what a terrible idea bringing a baby into this world would be. Part of her had thought for sure he'd head out the door the moment he heard and that if she was lucky he would wander out of the woods days later, sullen and withdrawn. Instead they wallowed in their fear together and as miserable as it had been, she was grateful.

She dragged the metal door open and headed into the gray, misty yard. The sun was hidden behind the clouds and provided no warmth. She spotted Daryl standing in the middle of the pen that had been built in hopes of having a pig to add to the prison. He stood with his fist resting on his hip, watching the large, pink animal snort about the dirt. Rick, Carl and Hershel stood at the fence and watched. Kate sidled up to the pen, exchanging a look with Daryl that was full of both uncertainty and understanding.

"Good morning Kate." Hershel greeted her with his usual warmth.

"Check her out." Rick said, gesturing to the animal.

"I can't believe you guys got one. How's she doing out here?"

"She's not too happy with us." Rick laughed.

As if she understood the pig grunted and pushed against the wooden boards that made up her new home.

"You haven't even heard the best part yet." Hershel said. "She's expecting. We'll have piglets here before we know it."

Kate felt her face go hot and she and Daryl exchanged a bashful glance. She was relieved when no one noticed and they carried on talking about the pig and the plans for her.

She stuck around for awhile, watching them tend to the animal. There wasn't much for any of them to do for it, it was more the novelty of having her at all that they were devoted to. Finally Hershel gave a contented sigh and announced he was going to head up to the prison.

"Let's get to work." Rick said to Carl, playfully swatting the boy on the back of the head with his work gloves. Carl ducked. "You coming Kate?" Rick asked.

"Ya. I've got a few things I need to do first, but I'll be out there soon."

He nodded with a smile and he and Carl headed towards the garden.

Daryl swung his leg over the short fence of the pen.

"What things you gotta to do?" He asked.

"I'm going to go talk to Dr. S. Let him know." She said.

Daryl nodded, but kept his eyes on the pig.

"Do you want to come with me?" She offered.

He looked up at her surprised. "What for?" He asked, as if the idea horrified him.

"You don't have to." She said, wounded. "I just thought you might have some questions."

"I don't."

"Ok." She said, shaking her head and crossing her arms over her chest. "Well, I'm going to head up there now. I guess I'll see you later?"

He grunted his response and with a sigh Kate turned and took a couple steps towards the prison.

"Hey." He called after her. She stopped and turned towards him again, a hint of anger flashing in her eyes.

"Come here."

She dropped her hands to her side and let out an annoyed breath before marching back towards him. With a gloved hand around her waist he pulled her towards him and kissed her.

Later that morning, Maggie found Kate in one of the corridors that connected the cell blocks to the center of the prison. Kate was headed back to C having just come from the infirmary where she had let Dr. S know she was, in fact, pregnant.

"Hey. I've been looking for you." Maggie said in her sweet, southern drawl, before lowering her voice.

"Well, did you take the test?"

Kate nodded slowly, raising her eyebrows and biting on her bottom lip.

"Oh God, you're pregnant." Maggie said, covering her mouth.

"I am." Kate said simply. "Just got back from telling Dr. S."

The two girls continued down the corridor, talking in hushed voices.

"How are you feeling about that?" Maggie asked, her voice full of pity.

Kate didn't want to be pitied. She understood why someone would feel that way, she had plenty of pity for herself in the situation, but somehow hearing it from someone else made her more afraid.

"I'm fine. Dr. S. was really encouraging. There is no reason to think that this isn't a good thing. We have a safe place to live. We have food growing. We even have a doctor." She ticked off all the positives that she'd been repeating over and over to herself since she'd found out last night. "Women have been having babies for centuries without hospitals. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to."

Maggie smiled without showing her teeth and shook her head encouragingly, but her eyes told a different story.

"Did ya tell Daryl?"

Kate nodded.

"How'd he react?" Maggie asked, wrinkling her nose. "Did he freak out?"

"He's ok. I guess. I mean, he didn't head to the woods." She forced a little laugh. "It'll take some getting used to for him I think. For both of us."

They heard voices coming down the corridor and both women stopped talking as a bearded man and his two young daughters rounded the corner and approached them.

"Hi, Ryan." Kate said, putting a smile on her face that didn't feel entirely authentic. She looked at the kids, "Hi Lizzie…" She narrowed her eyes and pursed her mouth in exaggerated concentration, "...and don't tell me, I'll remember…..Nikki, no Micah?,...Mika!"

The little girl's face broke out in a grin, "You remembered!"

"How are you three settling in?" Maggie asked their father.

"Real well. Thank you so much. For everything." He rested a hand on each of his girl's shoulders. "Everyone has been so nice and welcoming and I can't tell you what a relief it is to be in a place like this."

"We're glad to have you." Maggie replied. Kate shook her head in agreement and smiled at the girls.

"Kate, I remember you telling me that there was a library and even story time for the kids. I'm still feeling my way around this place, am I on the right track?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, you'll just keep going up this corridor and its on the left." Kate pointed over her shoulder. "Although I don't think Carol is in there. She is the one that does storytime, but I think it might be later today. Of course you guys can check it out on your own too."

"Ok. We will. Thank you again."

They smiled at Maggie and Kate and continued on their path. Kate was happy that their group had found the Samuels family. Those children deserved to be in a secure place where they could grow without fear. They had been through so much. It wasn't just Carl and Judith that were growing up motherless, Lizzie and Mika had lost their mother too and the thought was sobering. Kate quickly pushed the image of her own baby growing up without her away and let out a sigh. It was just one of the many things she had to worry about now.

Maggie followed her up to her cell and listened as Kate filled her in on all the things Dr. S had told her. She had promised herself she would be strong when she went in there to talk to him, but as soon as she brought up Lori everything came tumbling out in a tangle of words and tearful hiccups.

"Thank God we have him here." Maggie said, looking down and picking at a loose thread on the blanket that was thrown over Daryl and Kate's bed. "Not that my dad couldn't do it, but I'm glad there is more than one person here who actually has some experience with delivering babies."

Maggie twisted her mouth to one side and for a second Kate thought she was going to cry. She knew Maggie still had a hard time dealing with her part in Lori's doomed delivery and she felt guilty at opening the wound again.

She reached across the bed and grabbed her friend's hand. "Maggie, you had to do what Lori asked. What else could you have done? We would have lost them both."

"Ya, I know." Maggie said, her voice catching as she looked up at Kate and shook her head.

Daryl cleared his throat and they turned to see him standing in the doorway of the cell. She wondered how long he'd been there and how much he had heard. The last thing she wanted him to do was have Lori's pregnancy on his mind.

"Hey." Kate said a little too brightly. "I was just telling Maggie about my meeting with Dr. S. It went really well."

"Congratulations, by the way." Maggie piped in.

Daryl looked at them both uncomfortably and Kate was reminded of the man she first knew.

"I'm gonna go on that run today." He said without acknowledging Maggie and motioning with his head towards the yard. "They're leaving in a few minutes, wanted to let you know. Should be back before dark."

Kate furrowed her brow. "I thought Sasha had it handled." She wondered what had made Daryl decide to go all of a sudden .

"She does." He nodded in that jerky way he did, "Just seemed they could use another person is all. You gotta second?"

She stood, glancing back at Maggie sitting cross legged on the bed, and followed him outside of the cell door.

Daryl took a few steps down the cell row, and clueless as to why he wanted to talk to her she continued to rattle on about her discussion with the doctor, "While you're out today, could you keep your eye out for prenatal vitamins? Dr. S. mentioned that I should have you find some for me."

He rounded on her, "You told Maggie?" He growled in disbelief. His voice was raised, Kate was taken off guard and felt immediately defensive.

"Ya. I mean, Daryl, it was her test that I took, of course she was going to ask." She said, keeping her voice low. "I wasn't going to lie to her." She fumbled over her explanation, looking over her shoulder towards their cell, knowing Maggie could hear everything they said.

Daryl nodded angrily.

"Is that ok? Are you mad?"

"You tell anyone else?" He asked, pacing in front of her and sticking his thumb nail between his teeth.

"No, I mean, just Dr. S."

"Well don't go blabbin' it all over the prison, ok?"

It was just short of a snarl and Kate felt the sting of his words and stepped back.

"I just ain't ready yet." He said, his voice low and gruff.

"Ok, I won't." She said in a small voice, crossing her arms over her chest and hoping she wouldn't cry.

He nodded and walked past her towards the stairs.

"I'll see you tonight." He said without turning back towards her.

"Be careful" She called out as she watched him leave.

Kate had been working in the garden with Rick and Carl for several hours when they heard the group return. Rick and Carl dropped their shovels and sprinted towards the gate to open it up. Kate normally would have followed them over, making sure everyone made it back and happily greeting Daryl, but she stayed put, digging the head of her shovel into the dirt and using her boot to push it further into the soil. She kept her eye on the activity, watching each vehicle pull through the gate. Rick walked up to the driver's side of the truck where Sasha was behind the wheel. He always did that, checking in and seeing how it all went, if everyone was safe. After a brief exchange he stepped back and Sasha drove up the sloping gravel path to park the truck. Rick and Carl followed the group up on foot.

She watched with relief as Daryl got out of the passenger side of the vehicle, glancing in her direction as he pulled his crossbow out, no doubt wondering why she hadn't been there to welcome him back. Daryl started to help unload the supplies and she took the opportunity to sneak back up into the prison. She didn't want to talk to him. Not yet. She still felt bruised from his outburst this morning. She wasn't good at the silent treatment, it had never been her style, but she didn't even know how to explain to him why she felt the way she did. She didn't want to be pregnant, she was scared too, but the fact that he was so angry about other people finding out had really hurt her feelings. She thought his reluctance to tell the group came from a place of shame and she felt defensive, not just for herself, but for this baby. But when she pictured explaining that to Daryl she felt ridiculous. Maybe he was just having a bad day, maybe he was in a better mood now, but she wasn't.

She headed to the library and made her way down the rows of shelves. She realized a men's prison wasn't the best place to find information about pregnancy, but she was hoping to find a book on general medicine, mixed in with all the outdated computer programming and law books , that might have a chapter on the subject. She found what she was looking for and sat on the floor with her back against the rows of books. The book was thick, dusty and probably older than she was. She ran her finger down the index and turned to the short section on pregnancy. Some inmate had used a ballpoint pen to perversely alter the diagrams of a naked female form, and she laughed in spite of herself. She read through the symptoms of early pregnancy and about vaginal and cesarean deliveries before the book began listing all the possible complications pregnant women could encounter. Bleeding during pregnancy, hemorrhaging after delivery, diabetes and high blood pressure. Kate shut the book, held it to her chest and closed her eyes. This had been a bad idea. She was flooded with anxiety again and tears started to form. What had she gotten herself into?

"Kate? You ok?"

Startled, she opened her eyes to find Carol peeking her head around the shelf. Kate smiled and hoped it looked natural.

"Ya, I am. Just reading." Kate sniffed, her nose had started to run.

Carol glanced at the book and then at Kate with question in her eyes.

"You sure everything is alright?"

Kate pulled herself off the floor, "Yes. I'm fine, I promise."

Seeing the doubt in Carol's eyes, she shelved the book and added, "I just like reading up on some of this stuff, in case one of us ever needs it."

Kate could tell Carol wasn't convinced and they both stood there in an awkward silence as Kate wondered if Carol would go to Daryl with her concerns. Kate didn't care if she did. The door to the library opened and the room was filled with the happy chattering of children.

"It must be story time!" Kate said, brightening at the excuse to change the subject.

Carol gave her one last doubtful glance before they both moved to the main part of the library where they found Mika, Lizzie, Eryn and cute, curly haired Luke. Mika and Lizzie's father stood back a little, he seemed hesitant to leave the girls there and who could blame him. They hadn't been here long enough for him to let go of the fear that was a permanent part of life outside the walls. Kate hadn't shed it all herself and she had been here a lot longer.

The kids all greeted Carol warmly. She had obviously connected with them. Kate wondered if they reminded her of Sophia and how she felt about that. Carol didn't talk about Sophia often, none of them did. When Sophia died, in a way, Carol died too. The woman here now wasn't the woman Kate met back on the road to Atlanta. That woman wouldn't have lasted.

"Dad, you can go now." Lizzie said, rolling her eyes.

Kate laughed and Ryan, although clearly finding it difficult, waved at his daughters with a small smile and turned to go, his hands in his jeans pockets. Kate watched him as he left, amused at the exchange and thankful that the prison gave these kids a place they could be kids. She wondered what story Carol would choose, but the look on her face when Kate didn't leave made her realize she really didn't want her to stick around. Kate was sure if she stayed there wouldn't be a problem, but she knew this was Carol's thing and if she didn't want an audience Kate didn't have a problem with it. She waved quietly, the kids already sitting on the rug in front of an old trunk that Carol was perched on, and left the library.

Kate managed to dodge Daryl for the rest of the day. She felt childish about sneaking around the prison, but her anger made her selfish. Usually when she was mad, she would just talk to him about it. She always tried to keep in mind how new Daryl was at having any sort of normal relationship, how hard it was for him to discuss his feelings, but this time she wanted Daryl to come to her. Realize on his own why she was hurt.

She went to the common room at dinner time. She stuck the ladle into a big pot of canned stew and filled her bowl. She turned to head to the steps, where she and Daryl always sat, but decided against it. She wanted to make it painfully obvious to him that he was being avoided. So instead she chose a spot at one of the tables between Maggie and Beth. It was where she used to sit, before she and Daryl were together. As she slid onto the metal stool Maggie looked at her with raised eyebrows, but didn't say anything. The rest of the group trickled in and she pretended to pay attention as Beth chatted about Zach wanting to start going on runs with the group and how he planned to ask Daryl if he could go.

The metal gate leading to the yard rattled open and Kate turned to see Daryl walk in. He looked concerned when he didn't find her there on the step, but when he spotted her sitting at the table he met her eyes and she could tell he was pissed. He strode across the room, scooped up a bowl of stew and headed right back outside without a word to anyone.

Daryl

He could still hear the sound of the axe falling to the ground, Judith's newborn cry echoing off the prison walls and Rick's desperate screams. "No, no, no." Of all the awful things that had happened to them since the fall, the hardest thing for him to watch was Rick break. It was gut-wrenching and frightening.

Last night, after Kate had told him she was pregnant, she fell asleep pressed up against him and he laid there for hours trying to sleep. Instead, his mind kept him up remembering in excruciating detail the day that Lori died. This morning he woke up and he just couldn't shake the feeling of dread.

Kate was upset. He knew it the second he'd asked her to keep the pregnancy a secret. Why he hadn't said something then, something to explain how he was feeling, he didn't know. Maybe it was because he knew it would turn into a whole conversation and Sasha's group would leave without him. He didn't know why he stalked off instead of at least giving her a real goodbye either, he didn't know why he did half the things he did.

He had just wanted to get out of the prison for the afternoon. Wanted to think of anything else for a few hours. What he didn't want was to come back and have the whole prison greeting him with the empty congratulations that Maggie had given him. But knowing Kate, that is exactly what would happen if he didn't ask her not to.

He'd gone on the run with Sasha and returned to find Kate clearly trying to avoid him. He was going to apologize, he was going to try to explain, he just hadn't gotten the chance. But when he found her sitting with Maggie and Beth, where she used to sit before him, any plan to apologize flew out the window. It hurt his feelings more than he wanted to admit. If space was what she wanted, that is what she would get.

Three days later and they had barely spoken.

He had found a way to leave the prison every day since. Yesterday he'd wandered the woods hunting for the better part of the day and spent more time than really necessary cleaning his kill.

He'd found her before he left, she was hanging laundry in the yard. He'd told her he was heading out to hunt. She was clipping one of his shirts onto the line and without a glance in his direction she mumbled 'Be careful', before bending down to take the next wet piece of clothing out of the basket at her feet. When he made his way up to their cell last night she was already in their bed, curled up under the blankets, facing the cold, cement wall. He'd whispered her name, but she never answered. He'd guessed she was asleep, but he didn't know for sure.

Today he'd asked Sasha if she wanted to get a group together again. They didn't usually head out again so soon after a run, but he had a feeling Sasha would be up for it and she was.

They loaded up the vehicles, supplies in case they got stuck, bins to hold anything they found. He liked going on runs with her. She was tough, she knew what she was doing and best of all, she didn't try and make small talk with him. If they talked at all it was usually about where they were headed, where they could go next.

She slammed the hatch down on the Hyundai, "Ready to go?"

"Ya. Give me a minute."

Daryl headed down the grassy slope to the garden where Kate was working along side Rick. She was on her knees in the dirt weeding around the growing plants. Daryl was practically standing over her before she noticed him approach. She gave him a wilting look before turning her attention back to the soil, wrapping her hands around a stubborn weed and yanking it out.

"I'm headed out again." He said without a hello.

"OK. Be careful."

He stood there for a second hoping she'd look at him, give him more of a response. Rick eyed them curiously before standing and walking off to the opposite side of the garden.

"You need anythin'?" He wasn't sure why he said it, just hoping for something more.

Her hands stilled and when she looked up at him, anger was twisting her features.

"I already told you what I needed. I'd ask someone else, but I'm not supposed to talk about it." She threw the pulled weed into a pile at her side and went to work on the next.

"Kate, please don't do this. I'm tryin' my best, give me a fuckin' break."

She acted like she hadn't heard him and with a frustrated sigh Daryl turned and headed back to the group waiting in the yard.

Sasha drove the truck North for about an hour towards a town that they hadn't searched before. Daryl sat silently in the passenger seat staring down at a map. It was covered with 'x's and notes scrawled in upper corners. They'd had it for a long time, since before the prison. It was how they kept track of where they had searched, or where they'd found herds.

"Do you mind pullin' off up here, there's a place I want to check out." Daryl said.

At Daryl's direction Sasha navigated the streets of a town that Daryl had been through before.

"What's here?" She asked, as she turned right down a deserted street littered with an assortment of strange items, overturned shopping carts, wildly parked cars and clothes scattered around.

"We were up here a few months ago. Came across this shoppin' center, had a Big Spot. The place was crawlin' with walkers so we didn't even pull in the lot. I'm just wonderin' if they've cleared out at all, figured maybe the walkers kept others out too. Could find a lot of shit there. It's just up here on the right."

Sasha pulled the truck into the sprawling parking lot of the large shopping center. There were several small stores and restaurants lining the strip mall, but in the middle was the Big Spot. Finding a location like this that hadn't been picked clean by other survivors would be like winning the lottery. Smack in front of the store, surrounded by a chain link fence, was an abandoned military post. In the first several days after the fall, it was common to see these popping up all over. At first they were a comforting sight to many who were desperately looking for a place to go or any sign that they government had control of the rapidly deteriorating situation. Merle and Daryl would rather die than go to a place like that for shelter, so into the woods they headed.

Eventually, like everything else, these posts failed too. This one was no exception and there were dozens of walkers shuffling around to prove it. Daryl jumped out of the truck and approached the fence, hoping to get a better idea of what they were up against. Immediately several walkers were snarling at him through the chain links.

He shook his head at Sasha and climbed back into the truck.

"There are too many of them, but we could figure out a way to get rid of them I bet the inside is untouched."

Sasha sighed. "You know how much stuff we could get in a place like that?"

"Gotta figure out a way to draw them out or kill them all."

They sat, lost in thought and staring at the building, before Sasha finally spoke.

"Ok. Let's take some time to come up with a plan. Do this right. For now, we'll head to the original destination. Search some neighborhoods."

Daryl nodded. "Whatever you say, boss."

Sasha shot him a look, but smiled in spite of herself. She put the truck in gear, pulling away from the fences and sticking her arm out the window to wave at the drivers in the two other vehicles to follow her.

They drove about another 40 minutes before Sasha came to the town they were looking for. She took a left into a tract of homes, making her way down the small street, eyeing each little cul-de-sac that branched off until they found one that looked like the best bet. She parked in front of the second house on the right and she and Daryl got out of the truck. With weapons ready they surveyed the neighborhood while the others parked and gathered for her instructions.

"Ok guys, you know the drill, so we are going to break into groups again and go through the houses here. You all know what sort of things we need, stay together, make sure you clear the houses before you do your search. Meet back here in half an hour."

The group broke apart, going in several different directions towards the houses.

Daryl and Sasha took the small, blue, two-story house on the corner. They cleared the downstairs and Sasha got to searching the kitchen, while Daryl went upstairs to clear and search the second story. He made his way through each room, not finding walkers in any of them. The final door at the end of the hallway was just slightly ajar and Daryl opened it slowly with his toe, crossbow aimed.

The room was pale blue and Daryl stopped in the doorway, dropping his crossbow to his side and staring at the white crib centered on the wall across from him. Above it hung wooden letters spelling out "WILLIAM" and there was a paper border that encircled the room that showed a blue and red train travelling down tracks, its cars full of toys. Daryl knew the room would be filled with things a baby would need. Things Judith could use now. Things they could use months down the line, but he couldn't bring himself to search the room. He didn't want to rifle through the drawers of tiny clothing, or stuff any baby blankets into his pack. It would make it too real for him. He eyed the big pink bottle of baby lotion on the top of the dresser and the wicker basket full of colorful, plastic toys in the corner and he felt overwhelmed with all the things he didn't know about. He backed out and shut the door.

They made their way through the tract, moving from one street to the next. It was a successful trip, they were filling their packs with useful items and because they weren't running into any issues they kept going.

"You in a hurry to get back? I don't want Kate pissed at me because we stayed out too long." Sasha said to Daryl, half kidding, as she emptied her bag into bins in the back of the truck.

Daryl was leaned up against the truck smoking a cigarette from a pack he found in one of the garages. He half snorted. "I ain't in no hurry."

That evening they pulled into the prison yard just as they were losing the light. They hadn't intended to stay out that long, but the road they took back was overrun and they had to backtrack and find a way in. Daryl took his time unloading the vehicles and talking with Rick and Sasha about their run, normally he would be in a rush to find Kate and let her know he was back, but what was the point. She was probably already asleep anyway or at least pretending to be. He stopped in the common room to grab something to eat before he headed up the stairs in C-Block.

He approached their cell and saw the glow of the lantern underneath the curtain, he pulled it back quietly and found Kate sitting on the edge of the bed waiting. She jumped up and threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him forcefully. He kissed her back, wondering why he had suddenly been forgiven. Her movements were frantic and her touches on the needy side. He was almost certain she'd been crying and for a second he thought he should slow it down, talk to her first and make sure she was ok, that they were ok, but he didn't have that kind of self control. He'd missed her too much. He untangled her from him just long enough to reach back and pull the crossbow over his head. He let it clatter to the ground and pulled her to him.

She whispered in his ear, "Daryl, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

But he didn't need an apology. This was enough, more than enough, it always had been.