The car made a hard turn.
I was thrown off the seat, falling into the middle space.
Great.
Literally- great.
Just so great.
I groaned, climbing back up to my seat. Dean was laughing. Just like the bastard he was. Is it any wonder we're related in this reality?
"You okay?" Sam asked.
"Swell." I grumbled, letting myself fall back on the cushion. "Ugh."
"Nightmares again?" Sam asked. I nodded, running my hands over my face.
For the past week, I'd been having back to back nightmares. Some part of me reckoned it was because of the vamps we were going to see, or Gordon himself. Maybe it was just Chuck being a horrible god again...
They weren't all about vamps though, which is why my theories were just theories. Some were vague recollections of being chased. Something had been trying intently to kill me. It was horrible- a bone chilling fear that followed me into the daylight.
Something was wrong. My subconscious kept trying to tell me it. I was never good at dream interpretation so I had no idea what it was saying.
This all didn't stop me from watching Gordon kill every last vampire in the past week. Or that those were the best parts of my dreams.
It didn't matter that they were innocent vampires. Another dead vampire was good for me.
But they looked so afraid...
How can I hate things that look so afraid?
"Are they like before?" Sam asked.
"We won't know until the case starts, will we?" I snapped.
Sam held up his hands. "Sorry."
I couldn't even muster up saying 'sorry' back.
I was just too tired.
In response to that, Dean turned up the radio. At least the song was good. Dean's good mood on the other hand was a bitch.
"Whoo! Listen to her purr!" Dean cheered. "Have you ever heard anything so sweet?"
"You know, if you two want to get a room, just let us know, Dean." Sam snarked.
"Oh, don't listen to him, Baby. He doesn't understand us." Dean assured the car.
"Your good mood will be the reason no one finds your body." I warned.
Dean just laughed. "Why shouldn't I be in a good mood?"
"I can think of many reasons. Two involve me killing you." I told him.
"Got my car, got a case, things are looking up." Dean countered.
"Wow. You hear a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mister Sunshine." Sam snarked.
"How far to Red Lodge?" Dean asked.
"Uh, about another three hundred miles." Sam answered.
"Good." Dean sped up.
I lied down on the seat. "Don't talk to me."
"Yeah, get some sleep. You're easier to hunt with when you sleep." Dean snarked.
"I can kill you even when I'm tired." I reminded him. Dean laughed at me. Sam rolled his eyes at us both.
So I fell back asleep. It was right into another nightmare about something chasing me.
==GMB==
The boys had gone into the office to speak with the sheriff. I was outside, talking to the secretary. The one that was played by Jensen Ackles' sister. It was actually exciting to talk with her, especially because she had a lot to say that the boss was scared to admit.
Before long, the boys came back out looking less than pleased. The secretary had left to talk with the boss for a meeting.
"Tell me you forgot what our paper was called." I prompted.
Dean shuffled nervously on his feet. I turned to give Sam a look. Sam glanced between myself and Dean. "He forgot."
"You forgot first." Dean accused.
"No I didn't. You-"
I rolled my eyes as they went back and forth. "Did you get anything demonic?"
The boys paused their argument at the question. "The sheriff denies the connection, but they always do until a demon is at their throat." Dean answered.
Sam nodded. "He says it's just random cow deaths."
"Secretary had something else to say." I noted. "Said that the way those cows were cut up. Oof. It's actually convincing her to go vegan."
"Did she say what the cuts look like?" Sam asked.
"No. Just that they weren't anything natural." 'Something...supernatural. *fire noises* *whoosh* *FOOMP*'
Dean grinned. "And just like that, we're back." With a kick in his step, Dean walked out of the station.
I turned to Sam, with a look begging that he saw what I saw. He nodded, watching Dean in confusion.
==GMB==
We'd shifted to the hospital for investigation. It was the next choice before looking at dead cows. Not even Dean, for all his love of hamburgers, wanted to see that. I'd known some cows in Equestria. They were pleasant conversationalists. I was in no hurry to see their lessed learned reality alters.
So to the morgue.
The only thing blocking our entry was an intern.
He had no chance.
Together, we walked up to his desk.
Dean glanced to his name tag. Only showing the initial for his first name, so Dean got to have fun. "John."
'Freud, to the front desk please?'
"Jeff." The intern corrected.
"Jeff." Dean corrected, laughing. "I know that. Dr. Dworkin needs to see you in his office right away."
"But Dr. Dworkin's on vacation." Jeff answered, confused.
"Well, he's back. And he's pissed, and he's screaming for you, man, so if I were you I would... okay." Dean didn't even finish the lie before the intern ran away. Wow, that guy must be scary. "Hey, those satanists in Florida, they marked their victims, didn't they?"
This was our life.
Scaring interns and switching to topics about satanists.
Total normal things for a Winchester to talk about.
Especially as we walked into a morgue to look at a vampire head.
"Yeah, reversed pentacle on the forehead." Sam answered.
"Yeah. So much f-d up crap happens in Florida." Dean snarked.
"Hey. Disney is in Florida." I argued.
"Again, so much f-d up crap-" Dean stated. He stopped when I punched his arm.
Dean laughed while handing me a pair of gloves. Slipping them on, I reminded myself to stay calm. Sam was opening the hatch of the latest dead vamp. I had to tell myself that losing a head was a permenant death for these guys. She wasn't going to pop out.
Still, my heart skipped when the door opened.
Nothing happened.
But still.
Nice to know I still have one.
"All right, open it." Dean instructed.
"You open it." Sam countered.
"Dweebs." I grabbed the box, lifting it up.
Putting it down on the slab nearby, I braced myself for what I'd see. Throwing it open I exposed the smell to air.
It was worse
So much worse than I thought
Chuck, why did you have to be one of them?
Dean leaned over to look in the box. "Well, no pentagram." I gave him my best flat stare. He wasn't looking.
Sam came to the other empty side. "Wow. Poor girl."
She wasn't
She really wasn't
"Maybe we should, uh, you know, look in her mouth, see if those wackos stuffed anything down her throat. You know, kinda like Moth in Silence of the Lambs." Dean joked. "It puts the lotion in the basket."
"It's not a moth." I leaned down, fighting every impulse I had to run away.
It got hard to breathe.
But I reached.
My hands were shaking.
But I reached.
I had watched her die
"Dean, get me a bucket?"
"She find something?"
"No, I'm going to puke."
Her lip curled up.
I watched Gordon chop off her head
I pushed on her gums.
And it wasn't a nightmare anymore.
The fang popped out.
"It's a tooth." Sam gawked.
I pulled my hand out of her mouth, clutching it at the wrist. Once in safe distance I glutched it to my chest.
My hand was just in a vampire's mouth.
Chuck I feel sick.
"Sam, that's a fang. Retractable set of vampire fangs, you've got to be kidding me."
"Well, this changes things."
"Ya think?"
"Dean?" I asked, my voice uncharactisticsally shaking.
The boys noticed. Dean stood up to attention, big brother mode activated again. "Raven?"
"I would like a bucket now." My eyes were watering fast. Even though I hadn't eaten anything today, my stomach was pushing up bile.
Dean nodded. He didn't even look at Sam before throwing his arms around my shoulders. He started dragging me out from the morgue, away from that thing.
It was getting closer.
My hand was in her mouth.
If she was alive-
Fuck fangs hurt when they bite-
Fuck my stomach is empty-
No it's not.
Dean had brought me outside.
I puked in a bush.
==GMB==
They drove me to a bar. The boys left me in the Impala. They promised to come back with information, any kind of information. Whatever information I needed to get out of this state. Needless to say, not my best day.
After puking in a bush, there had been a lot of quiet shaking in the backseat. Dean had listened to me when I asked to stop by a store for crackers and gatorade. Mom's classic BRAT (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) diet for post-puking was coming out in full force.
It was all I ate the first time around.
It's hard to want food when you know you spent the last 50 years gorging on humanity.
Yeah the BRAT diet was on parr with starving myself, but that was preferrable. Any thought of food for months made feel even worse.
Darcy was the one to get me eating again. Something stupid about not wanting all her stolen food to herself. She'd stolen it from the other orphans, the least I could do was eat it. If I didn't, then she'd have to eat it all and she couldn't without leaving leftovers and that meant being caught. She'd mastered a Morgan-brand guilt trip. I wasn't about to let her get caught.
Being tricked into eating, not fun.
She was always good at making me do not-fun things. Like being the responsible person in our murder-hobo party.
Gorden walked out of the bar.
No.
No.
Not happening.
I climbed out of the car. Keeping out of his sight, I reached into my Bag for a gun.
Did I need one, though? He was doing my job. A damn good job of it. Wiping out vampires without prejuidice.
She was running for her life.
Just like all the others.
The one from later tonight will just be at work.
These people...they were people. The community is hurting with these murders. They might have friends outside the nest.
Vampires don't have friends.
These ones do.
One good apple does not a good bushel make.
Nor do two wrongs make one right.
I hate my own conscience.
When the boys walked out, I made sure to watch as Gordon followed them. Then I stalked him.
I was one for fifty years.
You learn how to hide from hunters.
The boys led Gordon down an empty alley.
Once in the alley, I watched as Gordon turned the final corner. Following after him I held up Darcy's knife to his throat.
The boys appeared behind me. They took sides around Gordon, leaving him no exit without going through me.
"Smile." Dean ordered.
"What?" Gordon asked. He tried to shake me off.
I had the power of Chuck and rage on my side. He wasn't getting out.
"Show us those pearly whites." Dean ordered. "My buddy there- she ain't afraid to cut you down."
You have no idea.
"Oh, for the love of - you want to stick that thing someplace else? I'm not a vampire." Gordon snapped.
I snorted.
The boys were confused.
"Yeah, that's right. I heard you guys in there." Gordon stated. "Didn't know about Buffy here."
"We all know I'm Giles." I countered.
"What do you know about vampires?" Sam asked him.
"How to kill them. Now seriously, chick. That knife's making me itch." Gordon told me.
"Like me to scratch it?" I offered.
Gordon tried pulling away from me.
That's just not how it goes.
Not when you make me question my moral compass.
I tilted the knife just so, letting it scratch his neck. He pulled back from it. That had the side effect of me touching Gordon so I guess nobody can ever be happy.
"Whoa. Easy there, chachi." Gordon told me. He reached his hands up to his face. Avoiding the knife, he pulled down his own gums.
The boys watched for me.
"See? Fangless. Happy?" Gordon asked.
Dean nodded at me. I didn't move. "He doesn't got them."
I know he doesn't
With a force I didn't know I had, I pulled myself away from Gordon.
"Now. Who the hell are you?" Gordon asked.
Hahaha
So close
==GMB==
Gordon showed us his own hunter stash of weapons.
He cut off her head with that scythe
He killed a vamp with that machete the other night.
I could still see some vamp blood in the holy. He hadn't cleaned it properly.
All while I was reminiscing on my past week without sleep, Gordon was singing our praises. "Sam and Dean Winchester, and Raven Quinzel. I can't believe it. You know I met your old man once? Hell of a guy. Great hunter. I heard he passed. I'm sorry. It's big shoes. But from what I hear you guys fill 'em. Great trackers, good in a tight spot-"
"You seem to know a lot about our family." Dean stated to him.
Gordon shrugged it off. "Word travels fast. You know how hunters talk."
"No, we don't, actually." Dean replied.
"I guess there's a lot your dad never told you, huh?" Gordon noted. There it was. He'd slipped into their trust with a few words about being a hunter, knowing a secret hunter community that the boys had been cut off from. I willfully avoided it. "And it's an honor to meet Raven Quinzel. You guys have a tight ship around here."
I gave a half smile, quickly letting it drop into a scowl.
"So, um, so those two vampires, they were yours, huh?" Sam stated.
"Yep. Been here two weeks." Gordon answered.
"Did you check out that Barker farm?" Dean asked.
"It's a bust. Just a bunch of hippie freaks. Though they could kill you with that patchouli smell alone." Gordon dismissed.
"Where's the nest, then?" Dean asked.
Gordon shook his head. Smiling fondly, he pushed his weapons back into his car. That was enough to snap me out of my funk. "I've got this one covered. Look, don't get me wrong. It's a real pleasure meetin' you fellas. But I've been on this thing for over a year." Gordon explained. "I killed a fang back in Austin, tracked the nest all the way up here. I'll finish it."
"Then you know about the cattle?" I asked.
Gordon looked confused. "I'm sorry?"
"The mutilated cattle. They said those things were torn open. Not like anything human they'd ever seen." I explained. "What about those?"
Gordon shrugged. "I wasn't joking about that patchouli smell."
I officially cannot hate you more than I already do.
"We could help." Dean offered.
"Thanks, but uh, I'm kind of a go-it-alone type of guy." Gordon replied.
"Come on, man, I've been itching for a hunt." Dean requested.
"Sorry. But hey, I hear there's a Chupacabra two states over. You go ahead and knock yourselves out." Gordon dismissed. He walked to the driver seat of his car. I fought to glare at him. "It was real good meeting you, though. I'll buy you a drink on the flip side." He climbed in the car, driving off.
Now I could glare without guilt.
"Why'd you bring up the cattle?" Dean asked.
Because I watched two vampires run for their life from that man.
And I wanted him to look me in the eyes when he lied to me.
He had to have known these vampires weren't killing a damn thing.
But he slaughtered them anyway.
Though I hate them with an almost concerning level of prejudice, I still believe in my code.
Don't kill people that weren't doing any harm.
Author knows I spent enough time drilling that into Darcy's head.
"Raven?" Dean prompted.
I shrugged. "Wanted to hear his answer. We're following him, right? Let's go. We'll lose the tail." I walked towards the car. The sooner we wrapped up this case the better.
==GMB==
We followed Gordon to a mill.
I wanted to be in on this fight.
But it went against everything I stood for.
He was a vamp.
But he hadn't killed anyone.
That we know of.
Like that matters to Gordon. He'll kill him anyway.
Shut up, conscience, nobody needs you.
The boys and I walked into the mill. Already we could hear Gordon getting his ass kicked. An electric saw had been flipped on. When we reached the fight, the vampire was getting ready to chop off Gordon's head with it.
How easier my life would be I let him swing it down.
Sam was faster than my hesitatant ass. He grabbed Gordon's ankles, pulling. I went to his side to help him. Dean grabbed a harpoon, slamming it against the vampire's head. Once Gordon was out from the electric saw, there was empty space for the vampire to fall. Dean took advantage of that.
The head fell to the ground below.
"So uh, I guess I gotta buy you that drink." Gordon joked.
Drink bleach.
==GMB==
We were at a bar again. This time I was inside. Though I was oddly calm after watching a head get cut off.
The men had all gotten drinks. I settled for water. No hurry for a repeat of this morning. Nor would I want drinks in me for what the rest of the night would have. Just thinking about it was making me regret having even water.
The waitress came by with more drinks. Dean reached for his wallet but Gordon stopped him. "No, no, I got it."
"Come on."
"I insist." Gordon handed her the cash. "Thank you, sweetie." He raised his new shot glass. "Another one bites the dust."
"That's right." Dean and Gordon had their shots.
Sam and I watched, arms folded. Good to know that he also suspected things.
Gordon laughed as he put the glass down. "Dean. You gave that big-ass fang one hell of a haircut, my friend."
"Thank you."
"That was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful."
"Yep." I was disgusted. It was done. Over. If I opened my mouth, I'd puke everywhere. "You all right, Sammy?"
"I'm fine." Sam replied curtly.
"Raven, I'm not even gonna ask." Dean stated. I gave him a stiff nod.
"Well, lighten up a little, Sammy." Gordon teased.
"He's the only one who gets to call me that." Sam warned him.
"Well then how about you Ra-"
"Don't talk to me." I ordered him. Did it without puking, so I'm a winner.
"Okay. No offense meant. Just celebrating a little. Job well done." Gordon explained.
"Right. Well, decapitations aren't my idea of a good time, I guess." Sam explained.
"Oh, come one, man, it's not like it was human. You've gotta have a little more fun with your job." Gordon dismissed. He drank some more before looking towards me. "Raven, I thought you of all people would've understood. Heard you were raised by those freaks, you and your sister. You know they gotta go down."
"I said, don't talk to me." I warned him, giving more force behind my glare.
Don't bring up my sister.
Not you.
Talk about your pointless crusade all you like
But don't bring up my sister unless you want to end up like her.
"See? That's what I've been trying to tell them. You could learn a thing or two from this guy." Dean told us, smiling widely as he took another swig of his drink.
I would rather eat Cinderella's glass slipper
"Yeah, I bet I could." Sam replied with the same level of snark I felt in my spirit. "Look, we're not gonna bring you guys down. We're just gonna go back to the motel."
"You sure?" Dean asked.
"Yeah." Sam stood up.
Grateful for the opportunity, I got up from the seat.
"Sammy? Remind me to beat that buzzkill out of you later, alright?" Dean tossed us the keys.
I caught them. "You can try." I countered. "And I'll break every bone in your body."
Dean laughed, like it was a funny challenge.
I wasn't so sure.
==GMB==
If I drove Baby a little fast to get to the motel, I accept no critcism.
Dropping the keys on the table, I walked fast from Sam. The door to the room shut. Sam just watched me silently.
I flopped on the bed, looking up at the ceiling.
I can't believe I'm mourning a vampire.
Fuck you, Gordon
Fuck you twice over
"Are you alright?" Sam asked, cautious for his own safety. Wise.
I sighed.
"That bad, huh?" Sam asked. When I didn't reply, he walked closer. His tone full of concern and worry, that I was almost fine and definitely not about to cry. "You've just been weird about this whole thing, ever since you first saw the vamp head."
"She'd been running."
"What?"
"In my dreams, they were running. For their life."
Sam sat down on the bed beside. He leaned in. "Who was? Were their victims?"
Yes. Yes Sam you nailed it right on the head.
"Not like you think." I admitted, keeping my voice low. "They were running from him, Sam. Running from Gordon. Running for their lives. There was never anything more than them and him."
"They were vamps. You of all people-"
"Do not bring that up to me." I warned him, cutting him off in the deadly 'mother's voice' that I learned so well for Darcy. A voice that would not put up with her jokes and jabs for one more second, warning that if she pushed me I would push back. Right out a window. "Do not tell me that I need to hate them. I know that I do. There will not be a day in my life that I don't. But I know what I saw, Sam. You know what those visions are like. You know what you see, what you think, when you're watching people die."
Sam made a face as he recalled his psychic dreams from the past year. He lied back on the bed, looking up with me.
When you watch someone die you mourn
You sympathize
You wish you could have stopped it
All you can do is avenge them
And that's not fair.
Because what does it mean when you're watching something you hate?
The mourning doesn't stop.
The want to have been there doesn't stop.
Wanting to avenge them doesn't stop.
The victory just feels like ash in your mouth.
"He was killing them, Sam. And I can't see why." I explained. "The things I hunt, I hunt because they hurt other people. I haven't heard of one case of vampire attack here. Or anything that could be a vampire attack. He's slaughtering them. And we helped."
"I get that this doesn't feel right." Sam admitted. "But what can we do? He's going after vampires, just like we would if this hadn't been his case."
"Whatever. I know what I know, and I know what he's doing doesn't feel right." I argued, snapping his head off.
Sam took the hint.
He pulled out his phone.
He brought up Darcy
Nobody who did what he did could bring up Darcy.
I can't wait to kill him.
"Hey, Ellen, uh, Sam Winchester." He spoke into the phone. "Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. Got a question...You ever run across a guy named Gordon Walker?...And?...Well, we ran into him on a job and we're kinda working with him, I guess...I- I thought you said he was a good hunter...Ellen-...Right, okay."
He closed the phone.
"She told us to run, didn't she?"
Sam tucked the phone away. "Yeah...yeah she did."
Not even ten minutes later we were ambushed by vamps.
They were lucky I didn't kill them on principle.
==GMB==
I had been captured by vampires.
This.
This right here is why I will never sleep well again.
Why isn't there a princess to guard my nightmares here? And if there is, why the fuck hasn't she stopped by?!
Captured by vampires that are leading me to a nest.
Definitely not gonna sleep tonight. Or tomorrow. Or ever again.
You're being dramatic. You know they aren't capturing you to kill you.
For now...
You're hopeless
You're my worthless conscience. So who the real hopeless one here?
Someone ripped the sack off my head. If it wasn't for the gag they'd stuffed in my mouth, I'd be swearing at him.
Why did this guy have to have Benny's face? Wasn't that just the greatest tragedy? Curse you, Supernatural, for reusing actors like this. It makes my heart hurt for Benny all over again.
Just another vampire that's not like the res-
I will choke you.
Sam was tied up at my side.
I hissed through the gag at the vamp.
He showed off his fangs, hissing though it was more effective.
Who cares? I'm not sleeping anyway.
"Wait! Step back, Eli." Lenore instructed, coming in from the hall.
Waited as long as you could on that, huh Lenore?
The bartending vampire took a step back.
I want to kill him.
I want to kill him right now.
Every part of me was desperate to kill him right now. A vampire right in front of me, ready for an attack. One that from the rest of the episode I knew wouldn't hesitate to kill me himself to get a leg up for his kind.
So neither would I.
At the word of his nest leader, Eli did back off. Not without another glare my way. Lenore walked over to Sam, pulling the gag out of his mouth. She pulled out mine, and I tried to bite her hand.
"My name's Lenore, I'm not going to hurt you." Lenore promised. Knowing that she actually meant it, I let her remove the gag. I still glared at her. "We just need to talk."
"Just a chat? Oh yeah, let's get on that. Have a nice cup of tea too. Did you want the blood from my femory or radial artery?" I snapped.
"I might have a tough time paying attention to much besides Eli's teeth." Sam snarked.
"I don't want your blood." Lenore stated. "He won't hurt you either, you have my word."
"Your word? Oh yeah, great, thanks. Listen lady, no offense but you're not the first vampire I've met." Sam warned.
Lenore took a step closer.
"Lady, if you don't want me killing you on instinct, step back." I warned.
She did. Good to know that even though I wasn't a vampire anymore, others still obeyed me. Not a fun power, not a fun power at all.
"We're not like the others." Lenore explained, calm and careful. Sam was over 6 feet, and I was pissed. Whatever was keeping us tied up had no chance. "We don't kill humans, and we don't drink their blood. We haven't for a long time."
"What is this, some kind of joke?" Sam asked.
"Notice you're still alive." Lenorenoted.
"At your leisure." I pointed out. "I know your kind. You don't do this from the kindness of your heart. You don't have one."
Lenore didn't deny it.
"The cows. You're the ones eating the cows." I 'realized'. "There haven't been any murders, besides the heads of your nest, and cattle mutilations. No wonder they went down so easy, they were starving."
"It's not ideal, in fact it's disgusting. But it allows us to get by." Lenore admitted. "No deaths, no missing locals, no reason for people like you to come looking for people like us. We blend in. Our kind is practically extinct. Turns out we weren't quite as high up the food chain as we imagined."
"Why are we explaining ourselves to these killers?" Eli demanded, offended at our existence.
"Eli!" Lenore scolded.
"We choke on cow's blood so that none of them suffer. Tonight they murdered Conrad and they celebrated." Eli narrowed his eyes at me.
"Yeah I did. Any dead vamp is a good vamp, in my story." I told him. Never let it be said that I have my brain cells when vampires are around.
Eli hissed.
"Eli, that's enough." Lenore scolded.
"Yeah, Eli." Sam gave me a look to tell me he didn't mean that for the vamp. "That's enough."
The vampire backed off.
I was glaring still.
Sam kicked my chair.
I glared at him now. To my silent dismay, Sam flinched.
Quickly looking away, my focus went to Lenore's shoes. He had flinched. Why had he flinched? Had my glare really looked that scary? Or...or were my eyes like her's? Oh Chuck...oh Chuck I can't deal with Code Orange here. Not now. Not ever.
I'd gone almost 2 years without a Code Orange. Please...please don't let her come back...nonononono-
"What's done is done. We're leaving this town tonight." Lenore insisted.
Drive fast.
Leave now. Right now.
Don't wait to pack.
Don't even take us back.
Leave. Just leave. While I still have it in me to feel bad for you.
"Then why did you bring us here? Why are you even talking to us?" Sam asked.
"Believe me, I'd rather not." She looked at me, and I couldn't help but meet her gaze. "But as you know my kind, I know your's. Once you have the scent you'll keep tracking us, it doesn't matter where we go. Hunters will find us."
"You don't want to be followed." I stated.
"We have a right to live, we're not hurting anyone." Lenore
Fuck
Fuck that's my moral code
The entire thing. Right there.
If Darcy asked, I would tell her no.
They're not killing anyone.
We're the bad guys here.
Fuck
Fuck I hate this.
I hate that I can't even tell if I've gone over.
This is so messed up.
"Right, so you keep saying, but give me one good reason why I should believe you." Sam bargained.
"Fine. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to let you go." Lenore offered. "Take them back. Not a mark on them."
"I wouldn't untie me." I cautioned.
"Raven no-" Sam insisted.
"I wasn't joking. I might kill them just on instinct." I admitted. "Nothing personal...okay it's completely personal but I can't help it."
"She hates us more than the others. Why would she give us a ride out?" Eli snapped.
"Because I was raised by you." I hissed. "I lost a childhood because of you."
Do you even know what that's like?
To be perpetually a twelve-year-old?
Gorging on the blood of humans for 50 years?
To wake up hating your own existence?
To be scared of the only thing that ever made you feel safe growing up: the dark?
To not be able to look in your own eyes, or the world around you, with that childhood spark of innocence?
"I lost so much to your kind."
Darcy, smiling at me after I told her my story. Her shrugging and saying she would handle the murder-crazy stuff from now on.
Lilac's soft voice, calling out to me. A knife falling to the ground with a splat. There had been so much blood...my head hurt so much...
I shook my head hard. "It's not personal against you. You were right. You have a right to live...as much as it kills me to say. But don't untie me, cause I can't promise I won't knock you all down."
"There's too many of us. You wouldn't make it out the door." Eli challenged.
"Why would I? They'd all come to me." I reminded him. He curled back his lips, letting me see a sharp fang coming out. "Go ahead. Lash out at me. I'm giving you all a free pass. Just this once."
'You let one of them go, but that's nothing new. Every now and then, a little victim's spared because she smiled, because he's got freckles, because they begged. And that's how you live with yourself. That's how you slaughter millions. Because once in awhile, on a whim, if the wind's in the right direction, you happen to be kind.'
"But if you lash out..."
'Sometimes you just did it to play God. Look at a person and go I didn't kill you today. I could have, but I didn't. That makes you feel like you own them now. Sometimes you let someone else do it for you. Sometimes, you were just too bored to care.'
"...so will I."
'Only killers would know that. Is that right?'
Eli backed off.
Lenore put the sack back over my head.
Back to the dark for me.
Ain't this just where I belong.
==GMB==
The vampires left us behind in the parking lot of the motel. Once we were out of the car, and Sam was untied, they peeled out.
That left Sam to untie me.
He didn't say a word.
But I needed to hear it. "Just say it."
Sam glanced up at me, then back at the ties on my wrists. "What?"
"Whatever it is. Just talk. I already know it's bad. Just say it." I pleaded.
Sam paused. He looked up at me, meeting my gaze. I wondered still if he saw what I'm scared of. If he saw the monster inside. If he saw the things I wanted so badly kept hidden that I ran into a universe full of monster hunting.
Gordon says it's all black and white. You see the bad thing and you kill it.
But the bad thing is never so clear in the show.
The monsters could look anything, anyone.
Monsters live inside.
And those are the scariest ones.
The one that don't die from silver or holy water.
Please don't see it, Sam.
Please don't make it worse.
"Did you mean it?" Sam asked. "About...about letting them go?"
"Yes." To my shock and dismay, yes I did. They would go. They got the passing grade. They got to pass go and collect 200.
"What would you have done? If Eli had tried anything?" Sam asked.
Killed him.
Without hesitation.
"Lenore told him to stop."
If he had disobeyed, could I really be blamed?
"So...I would have tried." I admitted. A beat. "Sam that's about as honest as I can be right now."
Sam nodded, taking in that answer. He clearly didn't agree with me about killing them but he accepted my temporary armistice.
Thank you
"You don't want to kill them." I spoke.
Sam pasued. "You kept saying...that they were running away. And those cows weren't killed by something human. There's too much that doesn't add up to anything I know."
"But you believe them?" I asked.
"It's-" Sam looked back to the motel room. "It's the right thing to do."
"Okay."
Together, we walked back into the motel room. Dean and Gordon were sitting on the desk.
Chuck, I wanted to spit in his face so bad.
"Where you two been?" Dean asked, like a dad wondering why his kids broke curfew.
I held up my arm. "Outside."
Sam put his hand on my shoulder. "Can we talk to you alone?"
Dean accepted the demand. "You mind chillin' out for a couple minutes?" He asked Gordon.
Gordon gave us his leave.
I made sure to subtly flip him off.
Outside, Sam gave the case to Dean.
"Dean, maybe we've got to rethink this hunt." Sam began.
"What are you talking about? Where were you two?" Dean insisted.
Sam hesitated. "In the nest."
"You found it?" Dean asked, eyes wide. I nodded. "You didn't stop him?"
"They found us, man." Sam explained
"How'd you get out? How many did you kill?" Dean asked. "What am I asking, Raven's with you. She wiped them out."
"None." Sam answered, looking a little annoyed.
"Well Sam, they didn't just let you go." Dean snarked.
"Yeah they did actually." I held up the rope they'd used to tie me up. "See? Still got the rope burns for it."
"All right, well, where is it?" Dean pressed.
"We were blindfolded, I don't know." Sam answered.
"Raven?" Dean prompted.
"..."
"Come on, you gotta know." Dean pressed. "These are vamps. You had to track 'em back."
"Don't tell me what to feel. I know these are vampires. Don't tell me they're vampires." I hissed.
"We went over that bridge outside of town, but Dean, listen. Maybe we shouldn't go after them." Sam insisted.
Now Dean looked thrown. "Why not?"
"I don't think they're like other vampires. I don't think they're killing people." Sam insisted.
"Okay. Now I know you drank the kool aid." Dean turned to me. "He's joking. He's gotta be joking. How do they stay alive? Or undead, or whatever the hell they are."
"The cows." I supplied. "They liked their meat a little rarer."
Now Dean looked disgusted. Is that a point to me? I should look it up. "And you believed them?"
"Look at us, Dean. They let us go without a scratch." Sam noted.
"She's got rope burns on her wrist!" Dean reminded him.
"I told them if they untied me I'd kill them on instinct. Nothing personal." I admitted.
"Nothing personal?! Are you-" Dean shook his head. No, man, no way. I don't know why they let you go. I don't really care. We find 'em, we waste 'em."
"Why?" Sam prompted.
"What part of 'vampires' don't you understand, Sam?" Dean snapped. "If it's supernatural, we kill it, end of story. That's our job."
"No, Dean, that is not our job. Our job is hunting evil. And if these things aren't killing people, they're not evil!" Sam argued.
"Of course they're killing people, that's what they do. They're all the same, Sam." Dean snapped. "They're not human, okay? We have to exterminate every last one of them."
Exterminate every last one of them
Funny to hear from the guy that goes all buddy-cop with a vamp in season 8.
Oh, Benny, Eli did you no justice.
"No, Dean, I don't think so, all right? Not this time." Sam insisted. "Raven agrees."
"They have a right to live. They haven't killed anyone, and yes I do believe that. They're like junkies finally going clean. I gotta let them have their shot." I told him.
Dean was still stubborn on it. Not that it was a surprise that he would be against all of this. "Gordon's been on those vamps for a year, man, he knows."
"Gordon?" Sam snarked.
"Oh that guy. Great."
"Yes." Dean answered.
"You're taking his word for it?" Sam asked.
"That's right." Dean nodded.
"Ellen says he's bad news." Sam countered.
"You called Ellen?" Dean asked in surprise. "And I'm supposed to listen to her? We barely know her, Sam, no thanks, I'll go with Gordon."
"And you've known him for all of- what- three rounds?" I countered.
"You don't think I can see what this is?" Sam asked him.
"What are you talking about?"
"He's a substitute for Dad, isn't he? A poor one."
I winced, turning away from the fight. Just in time to see Gordon's car driving off the lot.
Well fuck you too.
Cause you took the keys.
Any love Dean had for you will die for what you did.
"Shut up, Sam."
"He's not even close, Dean. Not on his best day."
"You know what? I'm not even going to talk about this."
"You know, you slap on this big fake smile but I can see right through it. Because I know how you feel, Dean. Dad's dead."
I know.
I'm the one that killed him.
He died for my sake.
"And he left a hole, and it hurts so bad you can't take it, but you can't just fill up that hole with whoever you want to. It's an insult to his memory." Sam ranted.
"Okay." Dean reeled back, punching Sam in the face.
Nope.
I lashed out.
Dean fell to the ground. He'd be feeling that for a week.
There was a lot of pent up rage in that.
I'm surprised I didn't snap his neck with that.
Dean looked up at me, reaching for his cut lip.
"I warned you- I'd snap every bone in your body. Did you think that was a joke?!"
When I make threats I keep them
I don't joke around when blood is involved
Waste of a good sna-
Sam pulled me back, holding me against him so I couldn't punch Dean again. A good move because the way I was thinking would've have me puking on him instead. "You hit me all you want. It won't change anything."
Dean stood up on his feet. He wiped his chin with the back of his hand. "I'm going to that nest. You don't want to tell me where it is, fine. I'll find it myself."
"Dean?" Sam called. He let me go to chase after his brother.
I fell to my knees, numb.
Darcy I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry...
I can't believe...what am I without you?
Fuck I hate this
I hate feeling like this
I fucking hate Gordon Walker
I hate. Every. Little. Thing.
...I just need my sister back...
==GMB==
Gordon had taken the keys. Dean had to hotwire Baby to let us give chase.
I was sitting numbly in the backseat, staring at Sam's headrest. Tuning them out was easy. Getting lost in my head had been a habit that I hadn't been able to shake.
She held my hand when I was scared to walk in the dark.
She never made fun of it after I told her the truth.
She was always a good sister
A pain in my ass
But the best sister I could've asked for
And now she's gone
And I don't know where to turn
==GMB==
I don't remember getting out of the car.
One second I was in it, the next I was looking at Gordon cut into Lenore with a blood soaked machete.
"Sam, Raven, Dean. Come on in." Gordon incited.
Lenore looked more dead than vampires usually did. Her skin was becoming a sickly gray. Well what you could see of her skin. Most of it was covered in bloodied cuts.
"Hey, Gordon. What's going on?" Dean asked, cautious.
"Just poisoning Lenore here with some dead man's blood. She's going to tell us where all her little friends are, aren't you? Want to help?" Gordon held out a blood soaked machete.
"Look, man-"
"Grab a knife. I was just about to start in on the fingers." Gordon moved the knife along Lenore's arm. The vampire didn't even flinch. Her eyes shut for a breath. One would almost think she was finally dying.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, let's all just chill out, huh?" Dean asked.
"I'm completely chill." Gordon replied.
"Gordon, put the knife down." Sam moved towards Gordon. Dean stopped him.
"Sounds like it's Sam here needs to chill." Gordon shook off the suspicion. He glanced at me.
She was always in one mess or another that I was cleaning up.
And on the rare instance I ask her to clean up mine, she dies.
I should have watched over her better.
"Just step away from her, all right?" Sam ordered.
"You're right. I'm wasting my time here. This bitch will never talk. Might as well put her out of her misery." He put the bloody machete down. He pulled a clean one from his bag. "I just sharpened it, so it's completely humane."
She always wanted to try out new poisons
Ones she'd made in a basement or back alley
The kind of things generally frowned upon in civilized society
I was secretly proud she was good at chemistry.
But she loved knives the best.
Because Darcy liked leaving scratches bigger than her nails could make.
"Gordon, I'm letting her go." Sam ordered. He moved to disarm Gordon.
But Gordon was faster, pointing the machete at Sam's chest. "You're not doing a damn thing."
They told me her head had been removed.
Her head.
Her favorite murder weapon was a knife, and they don't even stab her?
Just cut her off?
That's not fair.
That's not what she deserved
That's not what I deserved
"Hey, hey, hey, Gordon, let's talk about this." Dean spoke, trying to keep the peace. "Raven, come on, a little help?"
She told me not to help.
She said this was her choice.
But I needed her.
Selfish.
I was always the more selfish one out of us.
"What's there to talk about? It's like I said, Dean. No shades of gray." Gordon instructed.
"Yeah. I hear ya. And I know how you feel." Dean promised.
"Do you?" Gordon snarked.
"That vampire that killed your sister deserved to die, but this one-"
"Killed my sister? That filthy fang didn't kill my sister. It turned her. It made her one of them. So I hunted her down, and I killed her myself."
All of a sudden, my heart dropped.
"I'm a monster. Just like them, Mill. I'm not better than the monsters that hurt you."
"No Molly. You're nothing like them."
"You did what?" Dean asked, shocked.
"It wasn't my sister anymore, it wasn't human. I didn't blink. And neither would you." Gordon argued.
"You killed your sister...you hunted your sister." I stated.
"Hunters-they'll kill me. I know what they do to...to things like me-"
"Hey. Molly, please. Calm down."
"I don't wanna die like that! I don't want to lose my head! Oh god, I'm gonna die!"
"You've been killing...over and over...because you killed your sister." I stated, my voice sending out a chill into the room.
"Why shouldn't I?" Gordon countered. "A nest of vampires suddenly acting nice? Taking a little time out from sucking innocent people? And we're supposed to buy that? Trust me. Doesn't change what they are." He eyed the boy at the end of his machete. "And I can prove it."
He moved.
I moved faster.
There was a lot of pent up rage to let loose.
I disarmed Gordon, hitting his arm at the elbow. He jerked it, trying to swipe it at me. I kicked his kneecaps. He was pushed back. I pried the machete from his hands, uncaring about the pain in my palm or the jerking from Lenore in her chair.
"Sam, get her out of here." Dean shouted.
"Yeah." Sam picked Lenore up from the seat.
Gordon moved to stop him.
I hit him in the gut.
Knives were always her thing.
I liked using my hands.
"Raven, Raven stop!" Dean shouted over the roar in my ears.
"You're not serious." Gordon snapped in my face. He grabbed my arms, trying to pull me away. I'd kick at his legs.
"She didn't do anything!" I yelled at him.
"It's a fang! It doesn't need to!" Gordon snapped. "Dean knows. He gets it! He's just like me!"
I kicked Gordon down. Hard.
"You killed your sister!" I kicked him in the ribs. There was a satisfying grunt of pain. "The person who relied on you to keep her safe. And you killed her!"
"They're gonna kill me Raven!" A young girl cried into my arms.
"No. No. Molly, I swear, no one will hurt you." I promised, brushing down on her back.
I kicked him again in the ribs, then twice in the stomach and once in the face. Gordon was not looking like a happy camper. Blood was starting to come up out of his mouth.
"Darcy. Darcy what did you do?!"
My sister stared up at me with dark purple eyes. There were bruises all over her arms and face. Blood leaked from her mouth into the ground where she had collapsed.
"They're not touching you." Darcy promised.
"Did she beg you to stop? Was she crying because her brother was going to kill her? Did you ever stop to think about how much she needed you?" All the while, I gave painful kicks to the hunter.
Dean hadn't stepped in. He was picking himself up off the floor, his heavy confused stare at my back.
"Ivy? Ivy where'd you go? ...Molly? MOLLY!"
"Don't. She's not Morgan. I'M MORGAN! SHE'S DARCY!"
"The older ones aren't supposed to kill their sisters! They're supposed to die protecting them!" I shouted. "You should've died before you'd see her die!"
Finding a head with familiar red hair, with her sunglasses next to it.
Molly's head.
Trapped in a dungeon, feeling my heart breaking as my sister left the world. The soul shattered scream that came out of my mouth.
Later, I found out Darcy had her head chopped off.
Crouching by Molly's head, sobbing into the night.
Unable to even look at Darcy's body. Not without breaking down.
"How could you kill her, you bastard!" All of my force was put into my foot as I kicked him in the face. More blood poured out from his mouth. "She needed you and you let her down!"
"Hey hey!" Dean called out.
He came up behind me, holding my arms back. My legs kept kicking on Gordon's direction. The man lay prone on the floor.
"Raven, he's down! He's not getting up! Not after that." Dean assured me.
But that didn't stop the pain.
It didn't stop the crying.
It didn't stop me from turning to push my face into Dean's jacket, and letting out two years of pain and loss.
I'm not like Gordon
I'm not
I can't be
I wouldn't do that to her
I just want her back
"I know, kid, I know." Dean was brushing a hand down my hair. I continued sobbing into his jacket. "I know you do."
Had I been saying that outloud?
Whatever.
It just hurt.
"I'm sorry."
"You got nothing to be sorry for." Dean told me.
He held me like that for a long time, until he had to let go to tie up Gordon.
"You know, I might be like you, and I might not." Dean stated to him. "But you're the one tied up right now."
I snorted, still crying.
Dean smirked.
He's an ass.
But he's a great friend.
==GMB==
Sam came back as the sun rose.
I was curled up on the window seat. Sunlight was streaming warmly against my back but I barely felt it. There hadn't been any chance to sleep. Just sit mindlessly at the window. Dean let me. Dean didn't tell me to do anything but stay where I was. Even when Gordon woke up, Dean glared at him any time Gordon glance a little too much my way.
Gordon was sat in the middle of the room, tied up and looking very much beaten. His right eye had started to swell- had I kicked his eye? Or was it a punch? I couldn't remember. I just knew the tight ropes weren't helping all those kicks to the ribs and stomach. Not that I cared. He killed his sister. He lost my sympathy a long time ago.
Dean was pacing.
"Did I miss anything?" Sam snarked.
"Lenore get out okay?" I asked, avoiding his question.
"Yeah. All of them did." Sam answered, looking down at Gordon. The beaten hunter was sitting quietly in the chair. The air around him seething with rage.
"Good. That's good." I nodded numbly against the seat. "That Eli was fun dude. Gonna miss him."
"Then I guess our work here is done." Dean announced with finality. He walked over my latest punching bag. "How you doin', Gordy? Gotta tinkle yet?"
Gordon glared coldly.
Rolling my eyes, I climbed to my feet.
"All right. Well, get comfy. We'll call someone in two or three days, have them come out, untie you." Dean instructed.
"Leave him for the rats." I deadpanned tiredly, walking around the boys.
"Nah. We're not like him." Dean stated. He lifted Gordon's machete off the table.
"Ready to go, guys?" Sam asked.
"Not yet. I guess this is goodbye. Well, it's been real." Dean gave Gordon one more punch. The chair swung with the force, throwing Gordon to the ground. That definitely took out the other eye. "Okay. I'm good now." He turned towards me. "Are you?"
"No." I walked out the door of the house..
Of course, the boys followed me.
"Raven?" Dean called out.
I stopped in my steps, nervously touching at my wrists.
"About what happened last night...you wanna talk about that?" He asked.
I scuffed my shoe on the dirt.
Sam walked up behind Dean. Now both of them could hear. Great. Awesome.
"Molly was a vamp." I explained. My mind made quick sense of the ghost-memories in my mind, flashing much like the psychic dreams Sam had. "My sister. Molly. She was turned. She was...she was just like them. But we weren't...we weren't bad. I couldn't lose her, how could I? She was all of it. We only went...she only killed people that did harm. Pedos, murderers, rapists, the bad ones. She loved it. I...I just loved having a family."
I was crying again.
Nobody was around to slap me.
How fucking worthless.
"She was my sister, and I let them kill her. I found her head...just her head."
It hurt
It hurt so much worse than anything ever had before
I'd been beaten
Tortured
Had my guts pulled out and my blood used as paint
I've crashed spaceships
I've fucking died
And losing Darcy hurt worse than any of that
"So when Gordon said he did that to his...it wasn't right."
"Raven...we had no idea." Sam assured.
"I hate vamps. I hate them so much. There will never be a day in my life where I'm not cursing them for existing but...but I know there are a few good ones out there." I wiped my tear soaked cheeks with my sleeve. "I hate it but there are good ones out there. And I hate him now, more than I hate their existence."
I sniffled one more time.
Cry on my own time
I'm on the clock
"He killed his sister. A sister that probably wanted her big brother when she went through that change. He doesn't get to play the victim card." I stated strongly, sucking in the pain again.
See you in two years
Or whatever
"Sam? Clock me one." Dean offered.
I turned to him, confused. Dean had his arms out wide. Sam was just as confused as me.
"What?"
"Come on. I won't even hit you back. Let's go." Dean offered.
Sam shook his head. "No."
"Let's go, you can get a freebie. Hit me, come on." Dean explained. "Raven already got to punch me. It's your go."
"Exactly. Your lip is swollen, and I'm pretty sure you've got a black eye from her shoulder. I'll take a rainchecl" Sam pointed out.
"I hit him with my shoulder?" I asked.
Dean nodded. "You...didn't like being held back."
"Ah. That makes sense." I nodded, looking down at the scuffed up dirt.
Dean sighed. Together, we all walked to the Impala. "I wish we never took this job, just... jacked everything up."
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"Think about all the hunts we went on, Sammy, our whole lives." Dean explained.
"Okay."
"What if we killed things that didn't deserve killing? You know?" Dean asked. It gave me the kind of moral dilemma I didn't need just now. Just what a needed. To remember John Fucking Winchester existed. "I mean, the way Dad raised us-"
"Dean, after what happened to Mom, Dad did the best he could." Sam reminded him.
And he still did it wrong.
Fuck I hate John
Even if he gave me a much easier moral dilemma to handle than good vampires.
Fuck John Winchester
"I know he did. But the man wasn't perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things; and man, I hate 'em. I do." Dean explained. "When I killed that vampire at the mill I didn't even think about it; hell, I even enjoyed it."
"You didn't kill Lenore." Sam reminded him. He turned to me. "You didn't either."
"No, but every instinct told me to. I was gonna kill her. I was gonna kill 'em all." Dean admitted.
"I would've enjoyed it too." I agreed. "A whole nest of vamps...would've been easy."
"Yeah, Dean, Raven, but you didn't. And that's what matters." Sam promised.
"Yeah. Well, 'cause you're a pain in my ass." Dean answered.
"I didn't need the bitchface at me." I added.
"Guess I might have to stick around to be a pain in the ass, then." Sam replied with a smile. "And a bitchface."
"Thanks."
"I hate it."
Sam gave us a shit eating grin. "Don't mention it."
The three of us climbed into the car.
I didn't sleep for two days.
If I was hallunciating by the end of it, that's between me and Smashed Fly On the Window.
==GMB==
AN: I truly think this is one of my favorite Supernatural episodes to write. It's one of the ones that I looked forward to writing when I first put Raven Quinzel on paper. Just...there's so much to unpack here. The paralells between her and Gordon, the memories of her vampire self, the memories of Darcy dying, fuck I love 'Bloodlust'.
I'm praticing social distancing by spending all my time writing fanfiction. Hopefully this means a lot of updates, cause my state is essentially shut down for a month. So...comment how you're doing or what you're thinking! See y'all for Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things