"And when did I forget that I was made to love you, I was made to find you, I was made just for you, made to adore you, I was made to love... And be loved by you."
-tobymac, "Made To Love"
-
Laxus POV
I was so sure I knew exactly who I was when it came to romance. I always thought I'd just go through life, date some chicks, eventually find one that I really liked, and settle down with her. I'd have a family and at least two beautiful children, none of which I expected to be dragon slayers. Pretty simple, right?
But then Freed told me otherwise.
How did he do it? By reading out loud to me from a book on the philosophy of love. Not just love as a concept or stereotype or emotion, but what it really was as an invisible, unstoppable force. From what I heard, love can apply to anything or anyone, but it isn't true unless the feelings are reciprocated. One-sided love is hardly love at all.
The author shared his personal belief that everyone has just one person in the entire universe that is meant to be theirs. If their paths cross, they fall for each other. Next thing you know, they're happily married. I didn't really hear everything he said at that part because I was really concentrating on the braid I was doing, but I know it had something to do with a sort of soulmate concept. One person destined for another. Two souls destined to intertwine. But... They had to find each other.
The book also discussed what happens when you meet that person. And that was where I began to question everything. I clearly remember every word he said at that point.
"When one stumbles across their soulmate, there will be mutual attraction for each other. They usually form a very strong bond and become extremely close friends, trusting only the other with everything." Freed had read, his voice strong and unwavering. I couldn't help but notice how soft and silky his long green hair was as my fingers wove it together into a tightly plaited braid. "Typically one strives to serve the other in any way, shape or form, with undying loyalty and dedication, while the other provides shelter, protection, and tender, gentle affection, as well as a strong, sturdy shoulder to lean on, to cry on."
For some reason this description sounded vaguely familiar, and hit too close to home. But I couldn't place my finger on what the problem was right away.
Freed continued to list off the different kinds of pairings when it came to true soulmates. There were some aggressive, some soft and gentle, and some asexual ones that never extended past friendship without any sort of physical contact whatsoever. But my mind kept circling back to the one that I still remember ver batum.
Only when he stopped reading and I had left the room did it hit me like a slap to the face. A slap to the face with a brick that's been exposed to Gray's ice magic overnight, that is.
I remember I was walking out to the open cafe of Fairy Tail to meet Evergreen and Bickslow, feeling somewhat content, thinking everything was right with the world. For some reason, the feeling of Freed's silky hair lingered on my fingers and his words rang in my ears like a bell.
"Someone who willingly and gladly serves the other like there's no tomorrow, eh?" I muttered, entirely to myself. The long sandstone hallway was empty so nobody heard me. "Now who does that remind me of?"
Suddenly an image from my memory flashed before my eyes. Freed shouldering the stack of papers I had asked him to give to Makarov for me, giving me a sweet, charming smile as he waved goodbye and left the room. He was so goddamn willing to do any and everything at my beck and call. All I had to do was ask and he'd be right there at my side, eager to help in any way he could. Tireless loyalty.
...then it hit me.
What the hell?! I stumbled and nearly fell, my shoulder slamming into the nearest wall, sending a bolt of pain shooting up my arm.
I grimaced and rubbed my shoulder, brow furrowed with concern.
Freed.
After standing there for a moment in stunned silence, my arm aching dully, I shook my head to clear it and kept walking.
I'm thinking too much into things. There's no way in hell Freed and I are meant to be, or whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I like girls... Don't I? I took a moment to think as I walked. I'd had a few girlfriends over the years. And I had thought I was happy with them. But then I realized within a year that I wasn't... Satisfied. Always feeling like something was missing, something was wrong, the relationship just wasn't working out...
I sighed and tried to stop thinking like that. There was no way I was gay. Or bi. Or any of those sexualities. I was a hundred and ten percent straight. Or so I thought.
I groaned and intentionally smacked my head against the nearest wall, trying to knock some sense into myself. "Stop questioning your goddamn sexuality." I chastised myself.
"Laxus?" a soft, familiar voice called out.
My head snapped up. Mirajane was standing across the hall, looking at me with concern in her sparkling sapphire eyes. She was tall, only half a head shorter than me, with long silvery-white hair, a very curvaceous build, and a long red dress that swirled elegantly around her feet when she walked. Her milky white skin combined with a perfect complexion and her ever-present gentle smile made her practically glow in the dim light.
"Hey, Mira." I leaned casually against the wall, trying to play it cool.
"You seem rather distressed. Are you alright?" she asked, tilting her head to one side sympathetically.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just... A bit confused right now." I offered her a lazy smile, trying to seem fine without actually being fine. How on earth do people fake smiles?
"What about?" she pressed for answers, taking a couple tentative steps closer. "You can talk to me if you need to, Laxus. I'm here for you."
It was extremely tempting. Mirajane was the big sister of the guild, always looking after everyone and protecting them, giving them someone to talk to when they needed support. She was a really good listener. I had ranted to her about how my life was going before, so I knew she was trustworthy.
"Well. I've gotta find Ever and Bix right now, but maybe tonight when I come by to get a drink." I said, waving a hand dismissively. "Thanks, Mira. I really appreciate it.
"Alright. I'll hold you to that. See you tonight!" she waved her hand in a cheerful goodbye as she turned and walked away.
I didn't bother responding. I was glad she had found me, even if I couldn't talk about everything right away. Her presence had provided a distraction from what was going on, and even when I started thinking about it again, it didn't seem nearly as bad anymore. Mira would understand, she had battled with her feelings for Erza before finally giving in and asking the pretty redheaded warrior out. Erza had accepted, but they broke up six months later because Erza had developed feelings for Jellal. Mira handled it like a champ, as expected, and just kept smiling like nothing happened.
I really looked up to Mirajane. She was the kind of person I wished I could be. For Freed. A small voice whispered in the back of my head.
I told it to shut the hell up.
-
That night, I entered the open cafe after checking up on Freed. I had promised myself I would only stay for a few minutes, but a few minutes turned into an hour because although he was the source of my confusion, his presence calmed me. There was just something about his sweet, charming smile that instantly quieted every negative thought brewing in my head. I had been the one talking to him for most of the time, filling him in on everything that had gone on and kinda expressing my frustration with Evergreen and her rapidly growing craving for destruction.
Freed, being the shy, quiet little creature he was, listened intently the entire time as he practiced writing some runes in the air with his nimble fingers. He was a great listener, and I felt fully comfortable telling him everything that was on my mind.
...Everything except for what was currently bothering me.
I didn't want to bring it up to him in case my odd feelings weren't legit. I didn't want to hurt him in any way by assuming I was in love with him rather than just being clingy after surviving a traumatizing experience with him. I also didn't want to make things awkward and ruin our friendship. He was so important to me that I was afraid to risk it.
He looked extremely crestfallen when I announced I had to leave for my meeting with Mirajane.
"Oh... You're leaving already?" he had asked, his face falling.
"Yeah. I'm sorry. I've gotta go meet up with Mira. But don't worry, I'll come back, hopefully before you fall asleep." I promised, as I stood up from where I had been sitting on the edge of the bed. "Do you wanna read some more when I get back?" I offered.
His shimmering hazel eyes lit up with excitement. "I think I'd like that. Thank you, Laxus." he nodded sincerely.
That's another thing I loved about him, I realized. He never lied, he was always genuine and sincere. Rune writers are bound by their word in every aspect so he could never bring himself to lie.
I quickly left the room before I could keep thinking about him. Now that our time together was over, I felt the weight of my confusion crashing in on me once again. There were so many things I loved about him and he was the only person I could confidently say I was somewhat affectionate with. Why?
The question lingered heavily in the air as I all but sprinted to the open cafe where Mira was standing at the counter along the left wall, serving up drinks to everyone. When she saw me approaching, she quickly handed off her drink to Cana before shooing everyone away from the busy counter. As I drew near, I could hear her high-pitched, motherly voice saying, "Shoo! Run along, now. Get out of here. Get!"
Mages scattered in all directions. Nobody ever told Mira no, mainly because she was so sweet, and also because she could be scary as fuck when she got mad. Freed knew firsthand just how terrifying her demon form was, and... Stop thinking about Freed, dammit! I mentally kicked myself.
I took a seat at the counter, sitting on a tall stool directly in front of Mira. She leaned on the counter and offered me a gentle smile.
"Alright, Laxus, you're gonna tell me what's wrong and you're gonna let me help you fix it." she said, her tone sugary sweet like that of a mother teaching her child something new.
I nodded. "You have yourself a deal."
"Perfect. Now, what's bothering you?"
I immediately poured it all out, keeping my voice low in case a nosy guild member was lurking nearby. I explained what I had learned from Freed reading to me, and that it struck way too close to home because I had been feeling these things about him lately. Mira listened intently, occasionally nodding slightly in response to something I had said, a small frown crossing her face. I could tell she was processing every word, trying to figure things out.
"I'm sorry it's such a vague description, but I'm so confused right now. I've always considered myself to be completely straight, but then Freed had to come along and... And make me question everything with his stupid, adorable face." I finished, breathlessly.
"Huh. And what does his face have to do with any of this?" Mira chuckled, tipping her chin forward.
"I don't know, it's just... When he smiles, it makes me feel things. I'm not sure how to describe it, it's like this glowing sensation in my chest." I sighed and rubbed my forehead with one hand, palm sliding over my skin.
"And that's perfectly normal, Laxus. You don't have to be ashamed of the fact that you obviously have a thing for him." Mirajane remarked.
Wait... WHAT???
"Whoa, whoa, I don't have a thing for him, what the hell?" I exclaimed, jerking back a little, shocked and flustered. My cheeks were bright red, much to my chagrin.
"Calm your ass down." she laughed, shaking her head as if disappointed. "What you're experiencing is completely normal. Literally everything you just told me screams 'I love him, I wanna be with him'. Now, I know a thing or two about love myself. You think it's easy being the face of Fairy Tail? People are all over me simply because I'm beautiful, admittedly so. Because of that, when I was younger I fell into a lot of fake relationships with guys who only wanted me for my looks and nothing else. And some of the experiences I had with those guys are the reason I'm lesbian now, so you can thank my own job position for that..." she trailed off, giving me a moment to let her words sink in.
"Shit." I mumbled, my embarrassment fading to sympathy. "I'm so sorry, Mira, nobody should ever have to go through that."
"Indeed." she nodded, smiling sadly, her deep blue eyes staring right through me as if she could read my mind. "But my point still stands, you have feelings for Freed. Just admit it, it'll go over much easier that way. It'll be harder to get used to if you keep denying it."
"B-But... He's a... Guy..." I shook my head, absolutely dismayed.
"What's so wrong with that?" she asked, propping her chin up on her hand.
I thought about it for a moment and grimaced, realizing my mistake. "N-Nothing, really..." I admit, sheepishly. "I just... I always thought I was... Straight."
"Laxus. Nobody gets to decide who they'll fall in love with." Mira told me, her voice gentle but firm. "It's not a choice we make. Hell, getting to pick and choose who we love isn't love at all. True love happens when you least expect it. You've fallen for that special someone in your life, don't pass up this chance to explore all that this has to offer for you."
I was silent for a long time, thinking it over. Me, Laxus Dreyar, in love with Freed Justine. It sounded terrifying and amazing at the same time. I wasn't sure if I wanted to dive right into it or run as fast and as far as I could.
Maybe I'll give it a chance.
"Freed loves you, ya know..." Mira remarked, straightening up and walking a couple paces away to make me a drink.
"Nani?" my head shot up and I gave her a glare. "He does? Since when?"
"Since... Years, Laxus." Mira sighed, almost sadly. "Do you have any idea how many times he's sat right where you are now and told me all about how amazing you are? You're not the only one who tells me things around here, he too has a habit of coming to me when he needs to talk about anything at all. I seem to recall him saying he's always bending over backward to do things for you, even just silly little things, hoping that someday you'll notice him."
"Huh. That makes no sense. Why would he do all of this for me?" I questioned, putting one finger over my mouth as I thought about it.
"There are five love languages, Laxus. Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch." Mira counted them off on her fingers, smiling as she did. "Mine is a weird mix between quality time and words of affirmation. Yours is physical touch, I've observed. And Freed's... Is acts of service."
"What does that have to do with anything? I had no idea love was a language." I gave her a genuinely curious look.
"The love languages are basically just the unique ways we express love for someone else. Freed shows you he loves you by serving you in any way he can, hence the acts of service thing." she explained, beaming like a little sun angel at noon. "Seeing as you had no preknowledge of love languages, I don't blame you for never noticing."
"Well, I noticed. I just didn't think it was like that. I always wondered why he did it." I shrugged. "But now... That makes a lot of sense. You mean to tell me he's been struggling to get my attention this entire time?"
"Yeah, and because you're a physical contact person, you didn't really think much of it." Mira confirmed it with a slight incline of her chin. "Which isn't your fault at all, I wouldn't have noticed either if it weren't for the fact he's talked to me about it... A lot." she added the last part hesitantly, as if not sure if she should be talking about it.
"Really? How often is a lot?" I demanded to know, my tone sharpening unexpectedly. Just how long have I been ignoring Freed for??
"Eh... Maybe once or twice a month." she winced.
"Whoa. Okay. I really need to do something about it then." this whole discussion was making me see Freed in a new light. All the little things he did were done because he loved me. And that made my heart ache with longing. Longing to return the favor for years and years of undying service and loyalty. Of sincere devotion and practically shackling himself to me so he could do whatever I asked when I asked for it to be done. All of which were driven by love. "I can't let him go on like this, such one-sidedness can't be healthy for him."
"I've told him the same thing. Many, many times." the silver-haired girl sighed, shaking her head. "But he never listened, which really says a lot about him. He never gives up, and even if it is one-sided, he's never gonna stop loving you. You really mean something to him, Laxus. More than you can imagine, I'm sure."
I paused for a moment, contemplating this vast reality I had just been slapped in the face with. I had feelings for Freed, and he'd had them for me for such a long time. Suddenly all his strange behaviors were beginning to make sense. And it was so strange and difficult to wrap my head around.
"Alright... Well... I'll need some time to think about what I'm going to do about this. About him." I slowly rose to my feet, ignoring the untouched drink Mira had placed in front of me at some point during our conversation. "Anyway. I promised him I'd come back to read with him, and he's waiting for me. I'd better get going." I started walking away, waving goodbye to Mirajane, who smiled warmly. "Thanks, Mira! I'll see you around!"
"Bye, dear! Thanks for chatting with me!" She called out as I turned and hurried into the guild, making a beeline for the infirmary.
I found Freed right where I had left him, sitting up in bed with his books. There were three beside him and one in his hand, which was different from the one he and I were reading together.
"Hey, nerd." I greeted as I came in and found my usual seat on the edge of the bed. "How the hell did you get all those books in here while I was gone?"
He chuckled softly as he turned the page of the book in his hand. "I had Gray bring them in for me, he knows where my secret stash of books is. He also brought me my violin and I practiced for a bit on that." he gestured to the little instrument, which was leaning up against the wall under the window.
"You're really quite good with that violin." I told him, smiling warmly. "And I don't think I've ever heard you sing before, but I think you'd be good at that too."
"Hah. Trust me, you don't want to hear me sing. I sound atrocious." he shook his head, his eyes glued to the book he held.
For the first time ever, I allowed myself to look him over with the intent of deciding if I was attracted to him physically or not. Everything about Freed was soft and well-defined. His smooth, perfect pale skin, his glittering, slanted hazel eyes that never could seem to decide if they wanted to look brown, green or blue, his waist-length green hair that was still tied back in the braid I had done earlier. After looking over him once, I decided he was absolutely gorgeous. He really was.
Freed finally glanced up at me, having sensed my eyes on him. "What's up?" he asked.
"Oh, sorry. Just lost in thought, I guess." I scooted closer to him and asked, "You wanna read more of that book to me?"
"Yes, of course!" his whole perfect face lit up and he scrambled to put the book he had been reading off to the side, making way for the other one, which was buried beneath two others, all of which were written in languages I couldn't understand. "I've been so excited to read this with you, you have no idea." he admit, shyly.
I know a lot more than you think I do, I wanted to say, but I wisely kept my mouth shut and instead said, "Me too, I'm really enjoying it."
He carefully flipped through the delicate book until he found where we had left off, pausing for a moment to look over the complicated runes inked into the page before looking at me and saying, "This chapter's very philosophical."
"I am ready." I told him, grinning widely.
He nodded and returned his attention to the book, beginning to read out loud from the page. I couldn't help myself and got a little closer, once again trying my luck at reading those indecipherable runes. It was no good, but now... I was close enough that all I had to do was reach out and I'd be touching Freed. For whatever reason, that brought a warm blush to my cheeks.
I tried my hardest to listen to what the smaller boy was reading, but I was extremely unfocused because I was too busy contemplating the ways I could repay him for everything he'd done for me. He'd done so much, too much. I felt extremely indebted to him. I wanted to try and fix the years I had been neglecting him.
Acting on impulse, I reached out and snaked my arms around his slim waist, pulling him backward so he was sitting in my lap. He gasped and whirled to face me, eyes wide with bewilderment. We stared at each other for a moment before I shrugged and said, "Keep reading, baka."
He blinked a couple times, frowning slightly. He was trembling, just a little, but I noticed right away. "O-Okay..." he turned back to the book, albeit a bit hesitantly. He cleared his throat nervously before continuing to read, but now his voice was a lot quieter than normal and he was stammering.
I kept my my arms around him, propping my chin up on his shoulder and looking down at the book. There was something about holding him close that made me feel satisfied, content, like everything was right with the world. If Freed had an issue with what was going on, he didn't voice it. He just kept reading, trying to pretend nothing was happening.
I noticed for the first time that he smelled like lavender, soft and earthy and soothing. It was almost embarrassing, knowing he had always been like this, waiting here for me, and I had missed it for so long. I had unknowingly deprived myself of his beautiful, gentle, patient perfection. But now... I was here, I knew everything.
"Freed?" I called out tentatively, as I gently plucked the book out of his tiny hands. I was careful not to touch him on accident, I knew how sensitive he was when it came to his hands, and the last thing I wanted was to make accidental contact and make him immediately uncomfortable.
"Yes?" he glanced over his shoulder at me, peering at me with wide, intelligent hazel eyes.
"I've really missed everything, haven't I? Thank you for being... Being awesome, wonderful, lovely you. I don't think I would've made it this far in life if it weren't for you and all the ways you make my life better... And worth living. Thank you for all the joy you've brought me." I said, sincerely.
Even from behind, I saw him blush slightly. "You're... W-Welcome." he replied, seeming a bit confused. "I don't understand. Why here? Why now?"
"Let's just say I've had a bit of an eye-opener." I chuckled and nuzzled my face into his warm shoulder. He shivered at the contact. "And now I feel like I finally understand why you do what you do."
"R-Really?" his eyes widened and he tried to wriggle out of my grasp, startled. "I-I really should be getting some rest, those healers will be back any minute now to finish fixing my leg..." he was stammering wildly as he nudged me off him.
Completely confused, I backed off a bit and scooted away from him. "Are you alright?"
"S-Sorry, I know I'm being such a k-killjoy..." he wrung his hands nervously, refusing to meet my gaze. The sudden change in mood was almost painful.
"No, you're really not. Don't worry. It's getting late and you're probably exhausted and hurting." I slowly rose to my feet, putting on what I hoped was a convincing smile. "When I come back in here, I hope you'll be able to walk out with me. Ever and Bix are so excited to see you again."
"Hmph." he huffed, crossing his arms defiantly, keeping his gaze locked on his legs. "They should've come by to visit rather than being lazy and getting all their info from you."
"Indeed." I laughed, but it wasn't genuine. I was really worried. Have I gone too far already? "Alright so, I'll see you tomorrow. What time should I come by?"
"Just... When you wake up, I guess, as long as that isn't stupidly early." Freed replied, continuing to fidget beneath his folded arms, thinking I didn't see. But I did. He wasn't really okay.
I decided it was best to just leave him alone for the night. He'd be okay in the morning. "Alright, then. It's settled. Goodnight, Freed." I waved over my shoulder as I walked to the closed door and yanked it open.
"Goodnight, Laxus." he still wouldn't look at me.
I hurried out, closing the door again behind me. From there, I went right to my dorm room, which was only a short walk away. I was exhausted too, I really wanted to sleep. But for several minutes I wasn't able to.
I was tossing and turning, contemplating everything that had just happened. Freed had gotten extremely shy and closed-off, almost bitter. He didn't want to be touched, or talked to. Hell, he didn't even want me in the room. Regardless of how nice and casual and normal he had been, his body language said it all. He was freaking out. I knew anxiety when I saw it. But... Why?
I replayed what had happened in my head, trying to pinpoint the exact moment he had started acting like that. It was when I told him I knew why he always scrambled around like crazy to help me in any way possible. I told him I knew he loved me in a subtle way... And he panicked.
That small fact made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. I'm not the problem. He's just spooked because I've realized his feelings for me and he's shy and quiet so he doesn't really know how to deal with it. That's why he pushed me away so quickly. That's why he wouldn't even look at me. That's why he didn't want me anywhere near him, he was afraid of what I might say next. Perhaps he was worried I'd reject him or hurt him in some way. I can't say I blame him, love is a scary motherfucker sometimes... I thought, as I yawned loudly and rolled over onto my side, relaxing a little.
My exhaustion returned full-force now that I had an idea of what was going on, what had happened. It only took me approximately thirty seconds after that to fall asleep.
But my slumber was light and restless, and I was plagued all night by horrifying nightmares, some gleaned from the past, others completely made up.
Freed, trapped under burning debris in a collapsing building, screaming for me until his voice was gone, sobbing, begging for someone, anyone, to help him. I saw the blood, it was everywhere, and he was obviously scared but I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't run to him and get him out of there. The smell of death lingered heavily in the air around me, I was almost choking on it. But I couldn't move. I had to watch, horrified, as Freed's desperate, feeble struggles became weaker and weaker until finally... His entire body went limp and his last breath came out in the form of a soft sigh, barely audible above the crackling roar of flames around me and the screaming of a frightened little girl outside. He was gone, his beautiful hazel eyes staring sightlessly up at a sky he'd never see again... But the sky was gray and heavy with smoke, and the world was empty now because Freed was no longer part of it. All the colors slowly bled away until everything, even the rapidly growing flames around me, was black and white. All darkness, all pain, all sadness and fear.
This is why I am glad I saved him. When I wake up from this stupid dream, he's gonna be right there in the infirmary, waiting for me. Think about his scent. Subtle, sweet lavender. It suits him.
I became aware that I was only half asleep now, the nightmares were over and I was still nestled safely in my own bed. Freed was alive, everything was okay. The smell of lavender was branded into my mind. I fell asleep again to that smell, which brought peace to my mind and relaxation and comfort to my body.
I think I love him. My inner voice whispered as I slipped into the land of dreams once again.
Shut up, I told it.
-
A/N: Damn. I wrote this chapter hella quickly so I'm sorry for any typos you may have stumbled across. I'll go through and fix everything tomorrow, I promise. Tonight im too tired and lazy XD. So yeah. Thank you so much for stopping by, please follow and review this fic for me! It makes me happy when I see your reviews, I take all of them to heart because i genuinely appreciate you. What you have to say is important to me, I wanna listen. So yeah leave a review XD lol. I'll stop harassing you about reviews and go to bed lol. Goodnight! Thanks for stopping in!
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