It's not that I hadn't noticed her before, it would be impossible not to. In fact, I was pretty sure that the moment she passed through the heavy iron gates for the first time, the entire school noticed her. Even at the tender age of 16, Delphine Cormier had the ability to make an entire room stop breathing, especially if said room was filled with hormone crazed teenagers. She was taller than practically every girl in school and most of the boys. The shadow of the curves of adulthood easy to spot; the awkward phase between child and adult would be fleeting for her; a brief rite of passage barely deserving regard. The golden curls framing her already elegant features to perfection and an accent was so profoundly French did nothing to ease the aching hearts suffering for her attention.
Girls looked at her with admiration, in the shape of ill disguised envy, boys flocked to her periphery like moths to a flame.
Me? Well... I admired her from afar, my heart among those who craved just a glance my way. However, the few times our eyes met she quickly look away, like most of the girls in my class.
The boarding school was mixed gender, but the classes were not. So, while I could easily watch Delphine concentrate on what the teachers were saying, I stayed away from her during the intermissions; sparing myself from watching her laugh and give attention to the growing crowd of male admirers in ways she would never give me.
I didn't need the wisdom of years to know that it was really not her fault. People talk and the school was a cluster of gossips. The fact that the talk was always done behind my back didn't prevent me from knowing exactly what was being said. I was obviously aware that every time my name was said between the popular students was always accompanied by words like lesbian or dyke. Anyone bothering to give me the time of the day was labeled as such by association. So Delphine keeping her distance was not only expected, it was the rule.
In her first year at the boarding school I've watched her sunny locks grow past the length of her face to graze the top of her shoulders. The shape of her body developing faster than most of the other girls - myself included. I've also witnessed her go through several boyfriends and although she didn't stack the most impressive number - Ruth, my roommate, took that award, maybe in an attempt to prove to everyone that she didn't swing my way - Delphine still dated many guys in the extent of those 9 months. Be that as it may, they never lasted long; a few weeks, maybe a month and they were "on a break", at least until she decided to give it another try… with a different guy.
Delphine was building a reputation, just not a good one.
Although her grades were incredible, on some occasions rivaling my own, her growing list of exes made her the center of gossip amongst the girls, to the point of bets being made behind her back. Always behind her back. To her face girls would act politely, pretending to be friends in such an exquisite way that the French beauty was the most popular girl in school in a matter of months.
Yes, of course I've noticed her before. I just never met her. Never exchanged a single word, not even a hello in the morning or an awkward sorry after bumping into her in the hallway.
The first time we spoke was nothing forced...it was simple, almost natural.
"It's lovely, isn't it?" She said, her voice soft and somewhat distant, as if lost in thought.
It was the middle of the fall, one of those sunny days that we should enjoy before the winter brings and the heavy, gray clouds and the non-stop days of rain.
"It really is." I agreed nodding, my eyes remaining on the small lake in the school's property.
I had gone there with the intention of find some peace after another week of school. The joint in my breast pocket an aching reminder of true intentions. I refrained from doing it though, not sure the level of trouble I would be in if she saw it.
I tapped the pocket lightly, as if just feeling its presence would somehow help with my anxiety. I turned around to find her sitting under a tree, her back resting against its large trunk and her knees supporting a sketchbook. She was looking at me with an arched brow, like she was studying me with unfeigned curiosity. She does nothing to hide her stare as pink lips quirk up in a birth of a smile.
Unable to hold her intense gaze any longer, I looked down at my feet, determined to conceal the crimson coloring my face.
She chuckled softly. "Did I steal your spot?"
I shrugged. "Huh?" My eyes drilling holes in the fiery red and vivid yellow leaves beneath my feet.
"Well, if you're going to stand there could you, at least, move a little to the side?" Delphine instructed with a trace of amusement in her voice. "You're kinda in the way." She added, when I finally looked at her. Her arm extended, a pen secure between her fingers as she motioned me to step aside with a movement of her wrist.
I did, worrying my lip as my eyes looked around, not a soul in sight as I was expecting to find the place. Well, with the exception of the French blonde, of course.
"Merci." She said with another soft laugh and returned her attention to the sketchbook.
I let my eyes stay on her for a little while longer, keeping a few meters of space between us. If she noticed the gawking, or if it was making her uncomfortable, she said nothing. As far as I could tell, Delphine was completely oblivious to my presence. Eventually I left, looking back only once as I walked away, noticing that her attention remained on whatever she was doing.
Even if that episode was constantly on my mind, it changed nothing in my everyday life. It was not a first step to the beginning of any kind of relationship. It was as if it never happened, so much so that I started to believe that it was an invention of my overactive imagination; that I actually had smoked the weed in my pocket and imagined the whole thing. In fact, that notion became such a reality in my mind that I really wasn't expecting to find Delphine in the same place the following Friday. Yet upon arriving, my eyes instinctively went to the same tree and there she was. Sitting under its branches, the sketchbook on her raised knees and a pen between her fingers.
"Next week I bring snacks." She said, never lifting her eyes from her sketching.
Maybe it was because I still didn't fully believe she was actually there, but I finally found my voice.
"Yeah… If we're gonna make a habit of this." I joke, giving a few careful steps in her direction.
Delphine looked briefly at me but seemed otherwise unaffected that I was there. While she gave no indication that my proximity was invasive, I still approached her with excessive caution, as if she were a wild creature. I knew I really shouldn't, but I just couldn't help myself to get a closer look.
It was ridiculous, of course. The exotic French beauty wouldn't dash away with a scared stare my way; the same way that she, obviously, wouldn't leap to attack me. Especially when she didn't even flinch as I stopped close to her, still standing and staring down at her.
"Do you mind sitting down?" Although Delphine's voice was serious, her eyes didn't leave her sketch. "I hate to have people hovering over me."
"Hmm… yes, I imagine it doesn't happen very often." I said lightly, as I sat down next to her, still keeping an acceptable distance.
Delphine turned her head to look at me and I saw the closest thing to an unapologetic smile she offered me so far. "No, it doesn't." She confirmed with a small nod, her eyes already leaving me and returning to her pad.
My own eyes followed hers. "What are you doing anyway?" I asked, my voice remained low.
Delphine didn't answer me, instead she raised her sketchbook and turning it my way. I studied it closely: using nothing but a narrow point, black pen, Delphine had drawn the vista in front of us. The small area on the lower left corner of the drawing was a more detailed image of the small lake, which I imagined is what I had interrupted. The lines were fine and delicate, but there was something off with it.
"I didn't know you could draw." I chose to comment.
"Why should you?" Even though her words were a little rough, the tone was not. It was more of an observation, her intention not necessarily dismissing me.
"I suppose you're right." I agreed under my breath, while Delphine shifted the book back onto her knees. "You're very good, I like it." I said after, with a small smile.
For the first time Delphine looked me in the eyes, her brows frowned, expressing doubt. "But…"
I thought about it for a little bit, considering if I should just keep my view to myself. "Hmmm… there's something missing." I tentatively said, swallowing a lump.
"What do you mean by that?" Delphine examined her own drawing again. "It's not done yet?" She said in a defensive way.
"Well, I know that." I decided to continue. "But I don't know… Maybe it's the lack of color… I don't know."
She quirked her lips up and tapped her index finger on the book. "It's black and white." She said softly. "See!" And showed me the drawing again.
"I think that's obvious." I pressed my lips together, amused by the little pout she had on. "What's the matter? I said I like it."
"But when you say there's something missing, you better have a damn good reason!" She countered.
I shrugged. "I just like color."
Delphine eyed me top to bottom, from my loose wavy hair, my light green and blue top, passing by my colorful large pants and after a brief stop on my orange high top sneakers, she smiled wide.
"Obviously." She commented.
I was blushing, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks under this girl's close inspection. When her eyes met mine again, I swear I could feel the blood rush to my face. Deciding that she made a very good point, I stayed quiet for a while, Delphine getting back to her drawing. I watched the emerging form of the picture, her right hand giving life to the fine lines with fast strokes, occasionally stopping to glance for a moment or two at a particular point before continuing.
When she was finished, she signed it and scribbled the date on the bottom right corner before ripping the sheet from the sketchbook and handing it to me.
"It's not very colorful." She said like an apology, but I could see the mirth in her eyes. "Maybe it can grow on you."
With my eyes wide open in surprise, I waved my hands in the space between us. "Oh no, no, no… I can't take that!"
Delphine frowned her eyebrows in confusion and it's the cutest thing ever. "Why? Don't tell me that you hate it that much."
I vigorously shook my head. "No, that's not it." I assured her. "But I can't accept your…"
"Don't worry, Cosima, I can do another." She laughed.
I took the drawing and simply stared at it, perhaps to hide another wave of red invading my cheeks.
"I didn't know you knew my name." I said, trying to sound casual.
She closed her sketchbook and stored it in her bag. "Everyone knows who you are." Delphine informed me with a genuine nonchalant tone, getting up and brushing the leaves off her skinny jeans.
I watched her leave, trying to produce some moisture in my mouth, feeling the slight chill from the ground. After she disappeared between the trees I looked at the drawing in my hands. At least from that moment on I would had proof that it had really happened. That Delphine Cormier had really been there; that we'd enjoyed a decent conversation. Delphine fucking Cormier really knew who I was. Even if when we found each other surrounded by our school colleagues she still acted like that never happened.
I didn't care about it, I knew she meant nothing by it. Delphine was just being nice, that was it. Either way I kept the drawing on the top shelf of my nightstand, with the date of October 10th of 2002.