The following week Delphine did bring snacks, gummy bears to be precise. Even when I thought she would start to avoid the place by the lake on my account, since she continued to act like nothing happened, and even when I had all but forgotten about her promise. However, the moment I saw her I also saw a bag flying my way and had to fumble with it a couple of times before it was secure in my hands.
"Next week is your turn." She said, her bright eyes looking up to me from the ground from where she was sitting under the tree.
"Any requests?" I asked between chuckles and sitting next to her, but still far enough so she didn't feel like I was invading her personal space.
Delphine gave me an open smile. "Something with chocolate would be good."
"Hmm… I'll see what I can do." I commented, opening the package of sweets and bringing one to my mouth.
We stayed quiet for some time, the bag of gummy bears in my hand occasionally getting attacked by Delphine, but she was focused on her drawing. My eyes looking straight ahead, afraid that once I allowed myself to move them to her I'd be caught staring, because I just know that there was nothing that would made me stop looking at her. When I got tired of seeing the same thing, my eyes went to her pad and I noticed that Delphine's was not drawing the sight in front of us, but what looked like a plain with a river crossing through the middle of it. I could almost see the hundreds of greens coloring the place and the clear blues of the running river.
"That's nice." I said, my finger moving to tap on it with a hollow sound.
Delphine raised her head, looking at me and I wasn't able to resist any longer in meeting her stare. "Too bad it doesn't have enough color, right?" She bantered, with a raised brow.
"No… no… I can see past it." The tension on my shoulders relaxed a little and I could feel myself breathe easier in her presence. "What is it?"
Delphine hesitated for half a heartbeat before she looked straight ahead and answered. "When I was just a kid I used to spend the entire summer with my grand-mère while my mother was still working. I lived in the city, you see…" She talked like she was in some sort of trance, her eyes unmoving, her face showing just a hint of a smile. "But during the three summer months, this was the view I had from my bedroom window."
"It looks lovely." I said, my eyes going back to the picture. "Do you still go there?"
Delphine's head turned quickly and she stared straight into my eyes, her face seemed carved in stone, expressionless. "Non!" She replied curtly.
Surprised by her sudden change in mood, I raised my hands and waved them. "Whoa… Sorry… I just…"
"Non, non… It's fine." Delphine assured me, but she seemed everything but fine as she closed her sketchbook a little more forcefully than necessary and was quick to return it to her bag.
Startled, I began to feel an unexpected rush of desperation. "Did I say something wrong? I was just curious." I tried to explain myself.
"It's okay, Cosima, really…" She said in a calmer tone, her hand raising for a brief moment and moving in my direction, before she let it drop without making any contact.
I swallowed the lump fast forming in my throat, feeling my cheeks heating up. "Alright." My voice came out husky, but I nodded, hoping she could sense I wouldn't press the issue. "You're not leaving, are you?" The question abruptly voiced and I immediately regretted it.
If Delphine noticed the eagerness barely hidden in my words, she showed no sign of it. "Why would I do that?" She asked, just before she turned around and opened a small compartment on her bag.
I quirked up a corner of my lips. "I dunno…" I murmured with a shrug, trying to play it cool, but it was too late for that.
My eyes were glued to her, like I suspected, the moment I looked at her I found myself unable to see anything else. Delphine didn't seem to feel moved by it - in any direction - she just carried out her fluid motions, holding a pack of cigarettes and smoothly putting one between her lips. All graceful movements as she lit it up and slowly expelled the smoke. Next I see her lay back on the ground, adjusting a coat she had close under her head for comfort.
Delphine closed her eyes and the remaining tension from earlier seemed to release with every drag she took. I found myself hypnotized by the way the sun reflected in her golden ringlets, the fairness of her skin taking on a warmth that I attributed to the heat from the sun.
Delphine's not cold, not arrogant as I heard whispered along the school hallways. If she came across as such, it was more likely due to her reserved nature. The notion that she was a girl of few words found shape in my mind. What she thought, felt, she kept to herself, only expressing them when absolutely necessary. She was probably very good at obtaining what she wanted from everyone else with little disclosure of her true self. She certainly never found any difficulty in having people move to her periphery, especially of the male variety.
That made it easier to understand why the other girls in school talked so viciously about Delphine behind her back; the beautiful French girl, with so little effort, could get what other girls struggled so hard to get. She seemed to have an innate magnetism.
Before the impulse to do something really stupid took over me, I followed her example and extended myself on the soft grass, stretching my limbs with a groan and then tucking my arms under my head to serve as a pillow. I looked up at the blue sky, the occasional white cloud and wind breeze sending shivers down my spine and raising goosebumps on my skin. The day was not nearly warm enough to be comfortably outside without moving, but damn if the idea of leaving even crossed my mind.
Next to me, I felt Delphine move and I looked at her with a lazy expression. She stubbed out the cigarette on the grass and dragged her purse close to herself without getting up. I watched her unzip a hidden pocket inside of it and take a small plastic bag from it, where she dropped the cigarette butt in. I couldn't help but laugh at the extent she had gone through not to be caught smoking.
"Laugh all you want." She said, looking down at me with a serious face. "They're onto to the smokers. Apparently they've been finding butts all over the place and I'm not talking about tobacco either."
"Wow… really?" I choked. "How… how do you know that?"
The guilt must've been written on my face, since Delphine started to shake her head slowly as she settled back down.
"Just… don't get caught." She advised, but there was a little smile on her lips.
There were no gummy bears left in the bag and the sun was already so low that there were only shadows around us. The little shivers had stopped and I was undeniably cold. Still, when I noticed Delphine sitting up and pulling the bag to her shoulder, I had no desire to go anywhere.
"Don't forget the snacks!" She said as a goodbye.
I sat up and looked at her as she gazed along the horizon. "Something with chocolate, right?"
She looked down at me with a small smile and a short nod, her eyes somehow still catching the last rays of sun. She turned to leave and I allowed my eyes to follow her until I could no longer see her slender form.
That night when I got back to my dorm I felt like my head was swimming, like I'd just smoked a entire joint on my own. Everything seemed brighter, happier somehow. Every little thing brought a stupid grin to my lips. I knew it was dangerous to think of it that way, but the spark of hope had ignited in my chest and there was nothing that could dampen it, not even my roommate's annoying comments.
It might have been a ridiculous hope that caused me to see things that weren't there, but the next few days saw unexpected changes. Delphine and I still never talked in public, never got close enough to chat. However, when she caught me looking at her - and it was not few times - she was slow to glance away from me, at times I could swear I saw a little smile on her lips as she looked away. More amazing were the occasions when I found Delphine's eyes already on me. Although, when this was the case, she was quickly to turn her head the other way.
It was on one of these occasions, when my reaction was to chuckle to myself, that my only friend finally noticed.
"What are you laughing about?" Scott asked, turning his head around to where I had a perfection vision of Delphine.
"Could you be any less discreet?" I joked and got back to the meal in front of me.
He looked seriously at me. "What are you up to, Cosima?"
"Nothing." I replied. "You better finish your lunch before we have to go."
The next time he looked he was more guarded - barely - but used his time well.
"Oh, please, Cos!" Scott rolled his eyes when he was facing me again. "Delphine fucking Cormier? You're dreaming!"
"Hush! Jeez dude! Do you want everyone to hear you?" I reprimanded, but there was really no need. We always had our meals alone, no one choosing to sit with us.
Although the reasons for people staying away from me were rather obvious, I never really understood why Scott was such a loner. Sure, he was quirky and didn't have the good looks teen girls dream about, but he was a caring soul, genuinely a nice guy and had a killer sense of humor, albeit a little weird. Even though girls would never be competing with each other to have his attention, Scott was a great acquisition as a friend.
"What? Are you afraid that if someone hears me they'll think you've completely lost it?" He whispered, leaning forward on the table.
"Oh… c'mon… It can't be that impossible!" I said with a raised brow.
"Are you kidding me?" He chuckled. "She's a freaking man-eater!"
My loud laugh would catch people's attention if everyone weren't so practiced in ignoring me. "A man-eater?!"
"You wouldn't be laughing if you've heard what I did." Scott said, just before he brought the fork with a piece of tomato to his mouth.
"I'm not interested in locker-room talk." I said, but unable to keep the unevenness from my voice. "Guys are full of shit!"
He twisted his lips in annoyance. "Thanks a lot!"
"Oh, shit… Sorry Scotty!" I tried to appease him. "But c'mon, present company excluded, your species are known to… exaggerate their conquests."
"Okay…" He gave a small nod. "But I'm just telling you that Delphine… well… she's been around… a lot!"
I didn't want to admit it, but Scott's words lingered in my mind for a long time. Even as I walked to meet Delphine at our usual spot, they danced in my head, trapped there with no place to go. I knew Delphine had a reputation among girls. They like to gossip, especially when it comes to bringing down someone they see as competition, but I never thought about what guys said about her.
The blonde beauty had collected an impressive number of ex-boyfriends and I imagine that guys talked between each other the same way girls do. And although Delphine had been quite… calm in the boyfriend department since the beginning of the school year, the previous year was not that long ago. She had a history that wouldn't be easily forgotten.
Reaching the area, my heart sank and my mind went blank. My eyes automatically went to the bottom of the tree, only to find it disturbingly vacant. The bag of chocolate deliciousness dangling in my hand as I stared with unblinking eyes to the place I'd expected to see Delphine deeply immersed in her drawing.
"Are those M&M's?" Her voice coming from the direction of the lake.
I turned to find her sitting by the lake, bare feet dangling in the water. "Huh?" My eyes went to the bag and I cleared my throat. "Yeah…" I raised my head at her, along with my arm that carried the treats. "Hope you're not allergic to peanuts." I awkwardly added.
Delphine laughed lightly. "Non… fortunately not." She motioned with her hand, calling me closer. "Give it here!"
My grin grew. "Eager much?" I said, but took the few steps to join her. "So… no drawing today?"
She shook her head, "Nope!" Delphine opened the bag I handed her and took a few of the peanut covered chocolates. "Would you please sit down!" She said with a trace of annoyance in her voice before she carefully put one of the candy in her mouth.
"Right… hovering… sorry." I moved the shoes she had next to her to the side and sat down, pulling my knees close to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
Delphine frowned her brows. "Aren't you going to join me?" She asked, eyes going from me to her feet that she used to make a little splash.
"It's freaking cold!" I exclaimed, once again catching myself in awe with how much I liked see her doing a little pout. "There's no way I'm taking my shoes off and sink my precious feet in that freezing water."
She laughed deeply. "Is not that cold! The water is warmer than the air, actually."
I took a couple of the M&M's from the bright yellow package and eyed her feet suspiciously eating the candy slowly. "Nope!" I decided. "Not gonna do it."
"I expected you to be a little braver than that." She teased, leaning forward and sinking her hand in the water briefly. "Being a pot smoking rebel…"
I knew what she was planning to do even before she raised the hand in my direction, but found myself unable to stop her from scattering a few droplets of water down my back.
"Fuck!" I let out, my arm going up to catch hers by the wrist. "I thought you said it was not that cold!"
"Ohhh… don't be such a wuss!"
Delphine's laugh echoed in my body, vibrated inside me until it reached every fiber, the mischief dancing in the bright hazel eyes robbed me of all the air in my lungs. My expression quickly going from playful to intense didn't go unnoticed and Delphine cleared her throat, with a little twist of her arm she released it from my grasp and she moved a few inches away.
An awkward silence grew between us only broken when one of us went to the bag of chocolates. It made me nervous. I was afraid I'd screwed up and there wouldn't be a next time, that Delphine wouldn't want to meet up with me anymore, or that she was thinking that everything people told her about me was true. I was too weird to hang out with, she shouldn't want to spend time with me.
Maybe I should said I was sorry for… for what? As far as I could tell I had done nothing wrong. What the hell? It was not my fault I found her so freaking irresistible and she did nothing to make me believe I was making her uncomfortable. After all, by then she should've known that I was sorta… interested in her, right? Delphine had caught me staring numerous times and my… predisposition was well known among everyone.
"Maybe I should go." She said after at least ten minutes of silence.
I looked at her, her stare fixed on the small lake, my eyes not leaving her the whole time, my mind racing to say something that would make her stay. Two minutes without saying anything had Delphine reaching for her bag.
"Wait, Delphine!" I called, my hand daringly shooting up to hold her by the wrist.
Delphine's stared first at me, then to the hand preventing her from going anywhere. After a brief stop at my lips, her eyes rose slowly to meet mine again as she bit her lower lip, her face locked in an expression between confusion and fear.
With surprising grace, I raised myself until my lips reached hers. Caught by surprise, Delphine didn't move at first, but then, with a thrill raising in my chest, I felt her lips move against mine, returning my kiss, softly, slowly, tentatively but still there.
The fact that she's not slapped me was all it took for me to grew more confident. My other hand cradled the back of her neck and pulled her to me. The eagerness that had build up in the last weeks bursting at the seams, I pushed myself to her, my mouth seeking more to taste, moving from the bottom to her upper lip. Chocolate and cigarettes will always be something I'd associate with her. I mistook her hand softly landing on my shoulder as encouragement and moved my hand up to fist her blonde curls.
That was when Delphine pushed me away, the hand on my shoulder applied a little more force, while the other moved up to her lips, covering her mouth.
Shocked. That's the only word that crossed my mind as I saw her quickly gathering her things, picking up her bag and swing it over her shoulder, the shoes on her hand, she didn't even bother to put them on before she started to walk away in a fast pace.
"Shit, Delphine!" I said loud. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
Useless. She was long gone, hidden by the trees.