Before what happened between us, Delphine was never cold to me. Distant and unattainable yes; but never cold. Her beautiful hazel eyes had never made me feel unwelcome, nor had she ever reacted when she caught my gaze upon her. But after I kissed her by the lake, I started to feel Delphine's eyes on me, not in a way that told me she was perhaps curious, that maybe she wanted to know a little more, but in a way that was clearly meant to tell me she wanted me to stay away.
Not only that. The Monday after our last meeting, in the first break, somehow she already had a guy attached to her. PDA was extremely restricted in the courtyard under the scrutinizing eyes of the school's sisters, but that didn't stop the couples from... establishing their domain the same way that Rob - Delphine's most recent acquisition - was when my eyes found them. Sitting right next to her, not a single puff of air could make its way between them, his hand affectionately and possessively placed just above the her knee while he talked and she nodded with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. Sat atop of one of the many stone tables, with my feet on what was meant to be the bench, I felt my hand involuntarily grip the edge of the cold table and clenching hard.
"I hate to say this", Scott's voice behind me, "but I told you so."
I turned my head in his direction and followed him with my stare until he sat next to my feet, his back resting against the edge of the table, his elbows coming to rest on top of the table, brushing my thigh. "Yeah, you did..." I answered him, but my eyes went back to the blonde and I felt the knife that had found a refuge in my chest twisting a little more when Rob, after looking around to make sure none of the sisters were watching, planted a kiss on Delphine's cheek.
"I thought she was different, you know?" My eyes back on my friend.
"Why!?" Scott asked confused, his head turned my way with eyebrows raised over the frame of his glasses.
I never told him about my meetings with the French girl and I wasn't about to start then. So, I just shrugged, "I just did."
He breathed out deeply. "Listen... I'm not telling you that there aren't some girls here you can't... persuade to your ways", he said in a tone that was meant to sooth me, but only made me feel worse, "but Delphine?... She's just not like that..."
"You know her that well, do you?" The uncharacteristic edge in my voice made him look at me with wide open eyes and I immediately regretted the harshness of my words. To give him some comfort I lightly tapped my hand on his shoulder a couple of times. "Sorry, man... It's not you."
He nodded, easily accepting my weak apologies. "I just don't want you to fixate, Cosima." His chin pointing at the other end of the courtyard, "you should look elsewhere."
I quickly jumped off the table, "I don't want other girls, Scott!" I said frustrated, not with him, but with myself, his words hitting the right nerve. "It's her I want!"
Unsurprisingly, when I returned to the lake, Delphine was nowhere to be seen. I sat under the tree, in a space that I had just began to think as hers, but as fast as it was set in my mind it vanished. My eyes were fixed straight ahead, but my thoughts were not present.
I wondered what I did wrong. In my mind I was sure I didn't misinterpret Delphine's actions, although that might have been because I was terribly biased. I wanted so much for it to be real that I refused to see through it. She always acted so... natural around me; never failed to give me the impression that my fortuitous presence in her life was something she not only considered welcome but, like myself, she saw it as something to look forward to. A pleasant culmination to another monotonous week in school.
I did think she was different and, as much as I hated to admit, even then I still did. Despite the fact that she showed up with yet another boyfriend, it didn't change my opinion about that. And why should it? In a way, the few hours we spent together once a week it was like we were allowed to be something else, something we never showed anyone else, something a little more like ourselves. Maybe it was foolish to think that, we didn't spend that long together, but regardless it never ceased to amaze me how easily I began to anticipate that little bit of time.
It a was completely different thing to observe her from afar, to watch her with furtive glances as she interacted with others and being able to see her up close, freely, without the impulse to quickly look away when I felt her eyes - or anyone else's - on me. Perhaps that's what I would miss the most; the freedom that being alone with Delphine and with her unspoken permission to observe her every move, see an expression in her face that didn't resemble any other that I've seen in her when she was surrounded by the parade of people who usually flocked to her. It was probably just that. Delphine was never alone, maybe she came to the lake to enjoy a moment of solitude and she figured if, in order to get that, she had to share that moment with me, she was gonna suck it up. And me, in temporary blindness, saw in it something else, imagined my own reasons reflected on her.
Either way, it was pointless to overanalyze it. The end result would always be the same. Delphine might still be coming to our meetings if I hadn't let my... natural instincts come into play, but that's something I would never know. One thing is for sure: she was definitely not returning after that.
Eventually, even I stopped going there. Two weeks after it happened, the autumn monsoons started to fall from heavy gray clouds and it was no longer possible to spend hours in the late afternoon outside. Even when it wasn't raining, the grass remained too wet to make for a comfortable seat and the air was too cold to contemplate seeing the sun setting from anywhere else other than the window of my room, with Ruth, my roommate driving me crazy with her non-stop nagging, because I was spending too much time inside and people would start to talk.
Had I the guts then that I have now, I would've told her that she was flattering herself, that I wouldn't want to touch her even if she was begging for it. Perhaps I would even have gathered the courage to tell my obnoxious roommate that I, unlike her, am not about to fuck someone just because they are in the disposition to do so; that I don't understand how a guy, no matter how desperate, is even able to be with her, when just the thought of her makes my stomach queasy. Maybe I would even tell her the biggest truth: that my heart was irreparably owned.
But I didn't and the insecure little girl inside me, that even then I fought so hard to keep tamed prevented me to give her the answers she deserved and took every mean comment with nothing but a raised brow, before looking away with a stream of crass words that never escaped through the mouth.
Christmas was always a time that brought mixed feelings. If for one I was pleased to have the entire campus to myself, apart from the nuns that stayed, it was also a time that made me realize, more than any other, just how alone I was. Although when I was by myself I could deal with it with relative ease, when I was with them I could see the sorrow in their eyes directed at me. The compassion, instead of making me feel better only aggravated me. No matter how young I was, I could easily see the way they looked at me: the poor orphan, with no one to pick her up in that time of the year, no one to spend the season screaming at or be screamed from. I had no one to pretend that I enjoyed every moment with.
Of course I knew something had changed that year, a particular person who I wouldn't mind having around. Even if it was just to see her far away, part of me wished Delphine was still there, I didn't even care if she remained cold towards me, she would still brighten my day. Which was obviously very stupid and childish... but what did you expect from someone who was barely seventeen and believed they were in love?
Unlike so many of the other kids who attended the boarding school, it was a rare occasion for the French to leave for the weekend, she was among those who stayed, perhaps because her family was in France and unable to come all the way to Northern Ireland to pick her up just for a two day thing, at least that's what I thought. At the time I had no idea what it was all about apart from the few comments I heard in passing, I was not included in the gossip newsletter, so...
At least during the breaks I was allowed a little more freedom than usual, I suspect it was due to the sisters feeling sorry for me. In fact I never cared much for it, but was glad to take full advantage of it and every other day I put myself in the bus and headed to the nearest village to spend the entire afternoon. I never did much, usually just walked with no real destination, even the heavy rain, freezing cold or the rare snow didn't stop me from enjoying every little bit of freedom I was given. Sometimes I just sat in a coffee shop, a table next to the window with a book in hand and sipping hot chocolate.
It had been on one of these occasions, perhaps a year before that I became acquainted with Lucy. With no free tables available in the little coffee house, probably because of the pouring rain that caught everyone by surprise, she had asked if I minded her sitting at my table. Maybe she was just bored, being back home for the holidays. Lucy had severed the ties with the people she grew up with when she moved to London to study classic literature two years ago, but the moment her eyes laid on the book in my hands, she scoffed.
I had hardly registered her since she sat, but that made me look at her, finding deep gray eyes with a daring expression moving between me and the book. I really don't remember how it started exactly, but soon she was telling me how depressing Russian classics were, that what the Russians never understood is that the human soul is the most resilient element in the world. She explained that, in her view, the situation of Crime and Punishment, the book in my hands, would never happen because the human being is incapable to feel that kind of remorse, not unless the consequences would directly affect Rodion's life, which obviously was not the case. Lucy kept going and I let her talk, her deep contralto voice and easy speech gradually captivating my attention.
It wasn't until she was apparently finished that I told her I was yet to pass the second chapter. She had laughed and told me to meet her in the same coffee house one week from there, when I would've already finished the book, so we could resume our conversation. I look dubiously at the big volume in my hands, but agreed to her terms.
Not willing to show weakness, I made myself finish the book in a week. Spending all my free time flipping pages of the somewhat confusing novel, I returned the next week to the same place, unsure if she even remembered me at all. But Lucy showed up and like she said we spent the entire afternoon talking about the layers of regret of the human soul. I got so engrossed in the conversation - even if at the end of it I had no idea which arguments I used and was positively more confused than when we started - that when I looked outside the window, the night had fallen and I was tremendously late to catch the bus.
Somehow, Lucy had managed to call the boarding school and persuade them to let her drive me there after dinner.
It was close to midnight and the latest curfew ever when she parked the car not too far from the school's gate and expressed her surprise at the fact that someone like me was attending a place like that. I had simply shrugged, watching her fingers as she quickly rolled a joint. Lucy noticed me observing her and after a few drags had extended it to me without a word.
After that our meetings became regular, every time there's was a break from school, I used the phone in the administration office and we spent the afternoon together. This Christmas was no exception. We'd even exchanged gifts and I was able to restock my weed reserves that I kept hidden behind my shirts in a drawer.
The new year arrived, as usual, with my colleagues flashing their new designer clothes and that year with a novelty: the cellphone. It seemed like everyone brought at least one of these devices, promptly confiscated at the entrance, to be returned every time the student's left the school's premises. And despite the sisters' diligence, I was sure at least a few had passed inspection and life in campus was never gonna be the same.
From the window of my bedroom, thankfully still absent my roommate, I saw her arrive. Delphine was the mirror image of her mother, from the high stature down to the blonde curly hair, which was fortunate, because her father seemed like a weak man. From where I watched, it was not hard to see he was at least a decade older than the woman, short and bulky, his hair white and already scarce on his head. Her mother held Delphine for a short time and gave her two kisses, one on each cheek. The father kept his distance and the only movement he did as a departing gesture was a small nod of his head in Delphine's direction. Probably one of those old school men who only use physical contact when strictly necessary.
The noise of the door opening made me quickly look away and, in a hurry threw myself on my bed. Ruth scolded at me, but, like always, I ignored her and turned on my side, facing the wall. It took me a while to realize that there was a small grin on my lips. It made no difference if Delphine wanted nothing to do with me, just knowing that I would be able to see her again every day brought a stupid smile to my face.
That evening, like every other after a school break, the dorm refused to quiet down, the over excited girls sneaked into each other's bedrooms in order to share their stories and gossip about the news they brought with them. Used to having the entire dorm to myself and accustomed to the quietness after two weeks, the sound of giggles echoing through the walls didn't allow me to sleep, but at least my roommate was among those who were not in their room. So even though I couldn't sleep I could rest, enjoying the precious few moments I had to myself.
The first thing I noticed Monday, the first day back in class, was that Delphine no longer regarded me with a cold stare. In fact, the first time our eyes met she gave me a tight-lipped smile, her eyes not sparkling like before, but it was still a smile, however feeble. The second thing was that she didn't have Rob attached to her arm during the intermission, instead another girl hanged on his arm, while Delphine was in the company of other girls.
"The man-eater strikes again!" Scott said, when he approached me. At the dirty look I gave him he started to shake his hands and placed an apologetic smile. "Joking... I know you like her."
"He doesn't seem particularly heartbroken", I aimed my chin in the guy's direction.
Scott frowned for a short time, before he spoke. "Why should he be?" My friend's gaze moved from me to Rob. "He got what he wanted", he added in a low voice.
My stare went back to Delphine, who continued to talk with the group of girls, apparently completely ignoring the fact that the guy she called boyfriend not that long ago was gently stroking another girl's thigh.
"Yeah... According to him..." I corrected my friend.
"Maybe you should ask her", Scott challenged.
I look at him with a mocked annoyed expression. He knew well I wouldn't do such a thing. Not only didn't I have the courage for it, but I miserably lacked the opportunity. Delphine had made it clear she wanted nothing but distance from me. That was an absolute certainty in my mind, Delphine had made no indication she wanted to change it any time soon and I was not about to risk utter rejection from her.
At least until the end of first critical thinking class of the new semester and the teacher announced that pairs should be formed to present a work at the end of that semester. Convinced I was destined to do the thing by myself, as it had always happened, I didn't even raise my head; just continued to write the assignment in my notebook. Once finished, I began to pack my things, but was stilled when a hand with red merlot painted nails came to rest on top of my table. I glanced up to find Delphine standing in front of me, her unsmiling countenance on my surprised face.
"You're going to be my partner." She said with conviction.
Startled by the suggestion, I struggled to say anything at all. "I... I am?" I finally managed.
"I'm not going to waste 30% of my grade just to be paired with someone else." Her expression remained serious as she explained with her soft voice. "You're the second best, I think we should stay together."
Despite my surprise I was still able to produce a grin. "Second best, huh?" I joked and Delphine firmly nodded, her eyes starting to shine. "You're using me for my grades?"
Finally she allowed her expression to relax a little. "Is that so bad?"
I couldn't contain my chuckle. "Well... It isn't good."