Even if I wanted to, there was no way I could offer any sort of real resistance to Delphine's request. The window of opportunity she opened when she demanded that we'd worked together gave me a new surge of hope. Although, by then I knew well that my feelings were not returned, I couldn't find in me the strength to protect myself from it, to somehow shield my own weakened situation. Being close to her, to once again have her to myself it was a much too tempting an offer to reject.
And if nothing else, Delphine was right about one thing: we were the highest scoring students; a good grade was guaranteed. This was the rational side of my brain speaking, what I told myself that night, lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come. But even then, with the confusion of feelings tangled inside me, I knew there was something else lurking beneath all the rationalizations. It never failed - not when it came to Delphine - the undying hope that my heart refused to relinquish, no matter how small it was, it managed to take a hold of me. There was the little corner of myself couldn't just let go of the possibility that, if we just spent enough time together, she'd come around and, eventually, Delphine would return my feelings.
We started to meet every other day after classes for an hour or so, before we were called to dinner. Spread over one of the tables, in the common area of the ground floor, were our books and notes while we bent over them sitting on the separate couches that surrounded the low table. After spending several long minutes discussing what we should do, Delphine proposed a topic to develop: Critical Thinking in the Scientific Method: From Aristotle to Galileo.
"Don't you think that's a bit much?" I asked once she proposed it, groaning to myself.
"What do you mean?" Delphine's eyebrow raised in my direction from the couch across from me.
"I mean this looks like a lot more work than I care to give it," I explained, a finger aiming to the notes on the table. "Why can't we do a Fact vs. Opinion paper? Simple, not too time consuming…" I suggested.
She twitched her lips and rolled her eyes. "Well… if you want your paper to be like everyone else's, then by all means…" Delphine said, starting to gather her things and shoving them inside her backpack. "Just don't count with me to do it!"
"Whoa… Hold on!" I exclaimed, my hands waving emphatically. "Let's just… wait!" I grasped her hand as she reached for the last of her things, but with a quick jerk she released it and my immediate instinct was to pull my hands back and set them on my lap.
She looked around nervously and froze her movements, leaning back on her seat. Briefly, she kept her head down and didn't meet my stare as I carefully observed her reaction. Her body rigid as stone, tension in tiny movements as she slowly rolled the single ring she had on her middle finger of her right hand, her eyes focused on it and with every 360º journey completed she expelled a slow breath. I waited, wondering to myself what had her mind so consumed and eager to hear her final decision.
"I thought you were more ambitious than that," Delphine said in a low, soft voice, almost as if those words were meant only to her own ears. "If I had known it, I would've never invited you to join me," she added in a higher tone, her bright hazel eyes finally meeting mine, narrowed just slightly.
I held her gaze with determination, but at the same time I felt my brain struggling to find the right answer to her not so subtle accusation. And then I realized that, no matter how I turned it, the elusive right answer would never arrive because I simply had no idea what she expected of me.
"As I recall it, it wasn't much of an invite," I decided to say, "it felt more like a demand."
"If you don't want to work with me, that's fine!" Delphine quickly said, shaking her head lively and the golden curls moved around her graceful features. "You're free to find someone else to work with."
Yeah, right! I thought to myself, unsure of which of the reasons would be the strongest to push aside that proposal: the difficulty I would have to find another willing partner or the possibility of throwing away time alone with Delphine.
"I just said we should try to find something easier," I assured her with a low but steady voice. "I have no intention to… you know… like, drop you."
A ghost of a smile appeared in her lips before the blonde caught herself and gave way to her impenetrable expression. "Bon!" Delphine nodded and her body relaxed visibly, leaning more comfortably on the couch and crossing her arms over her chest along with her legs. "Do you have a better idea?" She challenged. "I'm open to suggestions!"
I took some time to think, waiting for the figurative light bulb to spark some bright idea into my mind. Meanwhile, I could feel the other girl's gaze, her boot tapping rhythmically on the hardwood floor in a clear sign of impatience, a few deep breaths indicating my time running out.
"You're pressuring me!" I complained, glaring at her.
Once more the corner of her mouth twitched, showing me a teasing smirk. "Oh… désole…" she mocked regret, her hand moving to the center of her chest in an apologizing gesture.
"Fine…" I groaned under my breath.
"What was that?" Delphine's head pushing forward pretending she didn't hear, amusement dancing in her bright eyes.
Nonetheless and despite that initial lightness that opened our meetings, they became purely professional; nothing discussed outside the paper we were working on. Delphine kept a straight face every time, not once did she show me, in the first two weeks, something I would consider even close to a smile. And as frustrating as it felt, I allowed her to set the pace; Delphine lead and I followed, some times more willingly than others.
My mind kept telling me that was the artifice she used to maintain the distance between us, she wanted the lines to be clearly defined, we were spending time together to work and nothing else. Our contacts were cold, reserved and I understood then more than ever why everyone else so readily accused her of being hostile. With time I came to realize that there's nothing more to it and my early hopes that I would, once again, be privy to a hidden side of her, slowly got lost along the way, crushed under the indifference with which she treated me. Even so, as expected, Delphine was never crude or rude, she never lost posture when we spent time together, my only complaint was that the slight amusement she had towards me before, even - if I dared call it so - the brief affection she showed me, was no longer there. Delphine was merely being professional.
My mind was in a constant battle to assimilate these two sides of the enchanting girl: the cold and distant side she insisted on now, and the playfulness she had shown me before. The light banter with which Delphine decided to grace me with once upon a time was nowhere to be found.
Every time we collected our things, uttering cool goodbyes and going our separate ways, a bittersweet taste was left in my mouth. If, on one hand, I did enjoy her company and even being exposed to her quick thinking and the inner workings of her fascinating mind, the coldness of her treatment was constantly obliterating every bit of hope that dared rise. When I reached my bedroom, to leave my things and get ready to dinner, rattled and confused, I truly believed that I wasn't any closer to figuring out what the blonde beauty was all about. Maybe she was a mixture of both, able to compartmentalize every aspect of her life, a creature that valued control above all and only decided to let it loose when it suited her; when she could collect some sort of advantage from it.
With time, this belief took root in my mind and with every hour I spent with Delphine acting more and more detached, those roots dug deeper and clutched tightly at my chest, squeezing it to the point I could no longer breathe easy in her presence. That was bad enough of course, but the worst part was the way my frustration started to reveal itself. While Delphine was clearly able to maintain distance, keeping our interactions to the strictly necessary, it was practically impossible for me to keep my emotions out of the equation. Our conversations grew bitter on my end, with curt answers laced with humorless comments. She noticed it, obviously; I was not discreet about it. The first time it happened Delphine raised a surprised brow, eyeing me curiously, but said nothing and that was all. The following times she remained unfazed and continued as if nothing changed, never losing her composure nor responding to my provocations.
"I'm tempted to agree with you, Scotty," I said to my friend, sitting at the dinner table after a particularly frustrating meeting. When he raised his brows in confusion, I elaborated. "About Delphine…"
"Finally," he said loud, raising his hands. "What led you to think otherwise, I'll never understand."
"I just thought… I don't know," I answered defeated, shaking my head. "I suppose it was just wishful thinking, but for a moment there…" I stopped, unable to express my ridiculous hopes.
I smiled sadly, lowering my head and getting back to my meal. Scott remained quiet for a while, his attention elsewhere, but I felt his stare focusing on me several times. When I'd had enough of his furtive glances, I stopped what I was doing and looked sharply at him, waiting for him to finally make up his mind and tell me what he was obviously struggling to say.
He breathed out heavily, pushing his glasses up his nose and presenting me with an apologetic smile. "Does she know?" He asked lowly, leaning his body forward so I could hear. "About how you feel, that is…" Scott completed after looking around us.
I moved my eyes to him and carefully considered what I should reveal. "She might have… like… an inkling…" I answered tentatively and when he remained unconvinced I sighed loud and nodded. "Yeah, she probably does," I admitted.
"And she still asked you to work with her?" He said with a hint of protectiveness. "What a bitch!" Scott expelled heavily.
"Hey!" I snapped, still annoyed when I heard someone talking about her that way.
It should be irrelevant what was going on between Delphine and I, the way she acted around me and the distance she insisted to keep between us. Even then, in my mind I knew it was not her fault that she didn't return my feelings, no more than it was my fault the way I felt about her. Both of those facts were beyond our control: I couldn't force her to like me, the same way she couldn't dislodge the irrational adoration I had for her. Having someone speak about her that way - even if it's my friend - it was unfair.
"Can't you see it, Cos?" The young boy asked with a determination I had never seen on him. "She's just using you! She knows how you feel about her and she's using it for her advantage."
"You think I don't know that?" I replied, rolling my eyes. "But it's not like she's making me do all the work," I explained, "in fact, if nothing else she's working harder than me on that shit."
"Whatever…" he dismissed me with a wave of his hands and his eyes dropped. "I just never thought you would be the type of person who would be okay to work with someone who's clearly ashamed of you."
At this I couldn't help but chuckle. "Ashamed of me?!" I asked with surprise. "We meet where everyone can see us. If she was ashamed to be seen with me, then I think there are more discreet places for us to meet."
He shook his head. "Exactly!" Scott continued as if I hadn't said a thing. "Everyone can see you; everyone passes by the two of you and notices the way she acts around you. Damn, even I saw how she keeps her distance! She meets you where everyone can see you two so there's no reason to talk."
"She didn't have to ask me to work with her," I stated, frowning. "And before you start to make assumptions about she using me, lemme tell you: Delphine's smart enough to do this stupid paper without my assistance and still come out on top," I spoke rapid fire, while my friend stared at me. "She doesn't need me, Scott!"
"And you think what? She asked you just because she wanted a good reason to spend time alone with you?" He asked with a raised brow, like such thing was absurd.
"I don't know why she did what she did," I admitted. "Who can understand that girl, really? Maybe she didn't want to spend extra time with those moronic girls from our class." Hearing this Scott gave another one of his disbelief looks and a small smile. "Hey… you can say what you want about Delphine, but I can assure you she has nothing to do with them."
"Right! She's special…" he mocked, rolling his eyes. "The long list of ex-boyfriends tell another story though." Scott gave his final argument.
"So?" I said with a shrug, getting up and picking the tray. "The girl likes to date… nothing wrong with that." I threw back over my shoulder, already walking away.
"Ugh… you are so screwed, Cos!" I still heard him groan.
As much as I dismissed Scott's little side note, it was something that continued to bother me and, since I wasn't to meet Delphine until the day after that, the nagging thought was exhausting. I spent the next day watching her interact with other people like a curious scientist, trying to figure out what motivated the French girl. Tight smiles and curt gestures littered her conversations; a constant state of self-control, appearing to manipulate everything and everyone around her to her favor. Practicing emotionless observation and putting aside the unexplainable affection I felt for her, I noticed how she kept a tight rein not only on everyone around her, but also on herself.
The following day, when we were allowed a little free time after lunch, I decided to put a dent in her little routine. Unsure steps lead me to where she was talking with a group of friends. The blonde had her back to me, which was really fortunate, since it saved me from the glare she would've no doubt, cast upon me had she noticed my approach.
Tugging at her elbow to gain her attention, she looked down at me with a surprised frown. "Can I talk with you for a sec?" I asked, not deterred by the displeased glance she gave me.
Delphine narrowed her eyes, clearly annoyed by the disruption and I could see the muscles of her jaw clenching. Still I did not back down. "It's about the paper," I added.
Hearing this, she nodded once and, looking back at the group, all eyes carefully watching our interaction, the tall blonde offered them a low "I'll be right back". Without another word she started to walk away from the group with me trailing after her, struggling to keep up with her longer strides.
Delphine didn't stop until we were in the courtyard where we had enough privacy to keep eavesdroppers at a safe distance, but at the same time clearly visible to those who cared enough to take notice.
"What?" She asked in a sharp whisper, somehow the accent of her voice incredibly noticeable, her golden eyes two darts piercing mine.
Sensing her tension I approached the conversation with caution, swallowing my natural emotional response in order to keep things as civil as possible. "I just thought it would be better for us to start meeting at the library," I begin with a casual voice. "That way we don't have to check out all the books we need and, in addition, we can work somewhere more private, away from having people constantly looking at us."
"Neither of those situations bother me," Delphine answered curtly, in an obvious attempt to end the conversation as soon as possible.
I centered my shoulders and glared at her, the frustration reemerging. "Well, it bothers me," I said with conviction. "I'd rather work where others aren't giving me ugly looks all the time."
"They don't do that," she shook her head firmly, her tone losing some of the harshness and I couldn't understand if she truly believed what she was saying.
"Yeah, they do"" I asserted, taking a small, involuntarily step in her direction, as if entering her personal space could help me convince the blonde of the veracity of my statement.
However, with her eyes scanning our surroundings, Delphine almost immediately stepped back and the space between us remained the same. "Not everyone is looking at you, you know…" she said in a brusque way.
"No," I agreed, my brow rose high, "they're looking at you!" I corrected quickly. "And they're wondering why you're spending so much time with someone like me."
Delphine looked around nervously, as if to make sure no one could hear my accusation, even though she made sure we were too far for that to happen. Assured of our privacy, her bright eyes found mine again for the smallest second before she lowered her head.
"Delphine?" I called softly, to not startle her, but couldn't resist the instinct to draw closer. She continued to look down and like before, she stepped back, but I couldn't just let go; Scott's words pressing against my mind and the obvious truthfulness of them being proven before my eyes. "Are you afraid of what people may say?" I asked bluntly. "Of what your friends might think if they can't see us together all the time?"
She rose her head, her eyes glaring at me. "And what might they think, hmm?" The harsh tone of her voice turned my muscles to rubber as I watched her step closer, invading my personal space. "My friends are aware of what I'm doing with you."
"And what is that?" I frowned, my eyes narrowing in her direction. "What? Am I your charity case?" The words tumbled out of my mouth and I had no idea how to stop it or even if I wanted to stop the sudden rage I felt towards her.
Delphine's expression remained sober the entire time I had my little fit, only a flicker of exasperation crossing her features. "I didn't know you were such fan of self-pity," she commented, straightening her back with slow, rigid movements.
"Self-pity?!" I scoffed. "I'm just saying what everyone thinks!"
"I couldn't care less about what other people think," Delphine declared with determination, her lean hand raising to smooth locks of gold hair.
"Bullshit!" I blurted out, my voice raising an octave. "If that was the case you wouldn't be so obvious about parading me in front of everyone else, while treating me like shit all the time," I was on a roll and not even the surprised look she gave me was enough to stop me. "Everyone can see how you work so hard to keep me away and, quite honestly, I wouldn't give a fuck. But what I'm really struggling to understand is what the fuck were you thinking asking me to work with you if you want to keep me away. Wouldn't it be easier to just continue to ignore me like you did before?"
I spoke with emotion, hardly noticing the tone of my voice raising with every word, but even if I had it wouldn't have made me stop. She was the one who so obviously was concerned with what other people might think while watching our lively exchange. Even so, Delphine made no attempt to calm me down. In fact, during the entirety of my tirade, her bright eyes never left me, but I could see the emotionless mask she always kept on morphing into a controlled anger.
"I'm sorry if I thought you'd be a good partner to work with on this paper," she said with a chilling voice. "I just thought we could work well together, but you're obviously unable to separate things."
I lowered my head and remained speechless for a long moment, my eyes drawn to her brown boots, wondering when she would start to walk away and leave me to contemplate the depths of my accusations. She never did, though. The French girl remained incredibly still, as if waiting patiently for my reaction.
I took a deep breath and shook the head to myself. "You don't have to treat me like I'm not there," I mumbled, more thinking aloud than meaning for her to hear me. "If we are to make this work, we need to like… be friendly or something, you know?" I finally raised my head to stare at her, Delphine's eyes opening wider and what looked like guilt forming in her expression.
She sighed loud, her chest deflating and her shoulders lowering with a slow expel of air. "I… it's just that," Delphine started tentatively, but kept stopping. "I didn't want to give you false hope," she admitted at last, looking away from me. "I didn't want to lead you on, because I… well, I know how you feel and I just… I don't."
The blonde's confession hit me like a sharp knife penetrating my chest. Although this was something I knew, to hear it so clearly from her made my entire world come crashing down. A sudden urge to laugh hysterically came to me, the bitterness of anger and irony pulling at my brain. That feeling was not new to me, it was, in fact, incredibly familiar, I had lived with it almost my entire life, somewhat embraced it and built around it, leaving it untouched. It was not until I met her that something changed, I allowed myself to feel the warm tinge of hope. To have it then, so abruptly, taken away from me once more was a blow I wasn't prepared for.
"This doesn't mean I don't want to continue to work with you," I heard Delphine continue with a soft voice in the distance, my mind miles away. "I still believe that we can do this paper together, but if you don't agree with me or…" she paused and swallowed dryly, "or if you think you're not… capable, then…" Delphine stopped, it was useless to continue anyway.
With every word, I could feel the darkness closing in, the heaviness in my heart pressing harder each time and then… nothing. Nothing at all. A complete void. Like an overflowing glass that can't support the weight any longer, I cracked and everything that was inside me, pressing against my carefully built walls scattered all over, leaving me weightless, hollow.
"Don't be ridiculous," I said with a voice devoid of emotion, "we can continue to work. But lets do it in the library," I continued in the same dead tone, "you don't need to worry, I know there's nothing more to it."
Delphine looked at me with a concerned expression, raising her brow just barely, unsure if she should believe me. "Are you sure?" She asked. "I mean… I don't want you to feel uncom…"
"What makes me feel uncomfortable is having everyone staring at me," I cut her off and gave a step back, preparing myself to leave. "We start to work in the library or not at all." I started to leave, but stopped and turned my head to Delphine, whose eyes held the clear reflection of her surprise. "About the rest… well… we'll forget the whole affair."