It's peculiar. From a mercenary to a teacher, Byleth couldn't help but blink a couple of times after the initial meeting with Rhea and Seteth. A teacher? I can't teach- Byleth thinks to herself, standing out on lush green grass as students walked by her. A sense of dread evolves from her gut and into her chest, a sudden feeling of uncertainty is present. Her main subjects were to teach the students about weapons, utilizing their strengths, and skills. However, socializing was the most concerning factor in all of this.
After all, she came from a group of toughened up men and women, cold as ice when it came to the battlefield. She knew how to swing a sword and quickly kill for survival and reward. Teaching students around her age about the use of a weapon? The mechanics of drawing a bowstring? None of it made sense when it came to books. Goodness, she barely knew how to read in the first place. What in the world was the archbishop thinking?! Seteth had a good head on his shoulders for his remarks about Rhea giving her a job without basic interviewing skills and evaluation on her part.
"Are you doubting yourself again, Byleth?" Sothis's voice reverberates in her mind, Byleth blinks a couple of times once more to adjust to her current environment.
The mercenary knew for a fact, there was no use lying to Sothis or claiming that she would be fine when she was suddenly shoved into a pit and ended up drowning in a river's torrent (metaphorically of course). Yet, it was difficult for her to process and fully speak about what she feels. "I…" Byleth takes a moment to think of a response.
"You feel that you would not do a good job, yes?"
"...yeah," Byleth admits, looking down and noticing a stray cat roaming around, "I don't get why I'm a teacher, but I have to choose a house to teach."
"The choices in front of you are the Black Eagles, Blue Lions, and the Golden Deer. Perhaps it is best to have some time to speak with the house leaders.
She barely recognizes any of the names aside from Edelgard's. It wasn't difficult to think about it when two of the three house leaders are young men. Dimitri Blaiddyd and Claude von Riegan. Byleth knows she shouldn't think too much about the silver-haired girl, but of course, it would always bug her that the girl is stuck in her mind-like a leech to an animal's leg. Sothis would scold her for being absent-minded when she had a task to do. Rhea had given her a roster of students. Many faces and many words. Byleth could only really care to remember faces rather than words. Again, she is unaccustomed to the arts of language. Though for some reason, she was able to decipher the cryptic lettering and symbols in tomes. An odd person she is.
Now a professor, Byleth takes her time walking around the monastery, admiring the view of the stone buildings, the torches that lit dimmed hallways, the way the other students would gossip, laugh and smile with each other. It's refreshing, she admits to herself, feeling something lighter within her body. It was certainly a burden, bearing all of the deaths of bandits upon her shoulders, each footstep she takes haunting her with the blood trail she created. In a sense, Byleth knows she cannot forgive herself for ending a boy's life-keeping him away from his sister forever. Yet, did she deserve to teach students the same tricks and mechanics to the art of killing? Her title was feared, sacred, yet simultaneously, a curse. A curse that she cannot rid of for as long as she lives.
Flash of cobalt blue and blond hair reaches her blue irises, the professor notes the way the taller student stands. She notes the way he looks at her, knowing that she had accepted a teaching position at Garreg Mach. "I see you have taken up the offer in teaching here at Garreg Mach Monastery. I am Dimitri Blaiddyd, house leader of the Blue Lions. Is there anyone you would like to know about?" she hears Dimitri greet her, bowing down politely.
He's like a knight, she muses to herself, watching his movements carefully like a predator eyeing at a field mouse, "Anyone?" she replies, "tell me about yourself then."
Byleth notes how Dimitri swallows the lump in his throat, his stance shifting slightly. He answers back, "Me? Oh. Um…"
The teal-haired professor tilts her head ever so slightly to the side after his flustered behavior. She waits patiently for his answer. "Please forgive me…" Dimitri speaks again, cutting away the awkward silence between them both, "it's difficult to open up on the spot, don't you think? I'm afraid my story has not been a pleasant one...I do hope that doesn't color your view of me, but I understand if that can't be helped."
Unpleasant story, huh? Byleth shakes her head, "it doesn't affect how I view you," she'd say, bringing some comfort yet a professional boundary between the both of them.
Just like your story as well. It has not been a pleasant one either.
Byleth chooses to ignore the phantom demon that resides within her, keeping herself neutral for the sake of displaying neutrality in public. "Tell me about the students in the Blue Lions." It was the polite thing to do after all once introducing oneself to another person-especially if she was going to teach an entire house of students.
She notes the way Dimitri describes his classmates, his friends, companions. She notes the way he describes Ingrid with lavish terms of diligence, chivalry. She notes the way he describes Sylvain with terms such as loyal and him being a "skirt-chaser." She notes each word Dimitri speaks and she nods before excusing herself further.
If Sylvain were to be near her, it certainly would make things awkward. Byleth feels that the arts of romance fly over her head. She was a murderer, not some person of high status looking for someone to mingle with. Even so, it is flattering to consider that she is attractive to someone to some extent. At the same time, knowing how flirtatious people were like, it may only be superficial.
"So, what do you think of the head of the Blue Lions?" Sothis chips in again, allowing her ghostly appearance to float and follow the professor.
Byleth doesn't look at Sothis, she knows she's there, following her. "Awkward." She states once, then pauses, deciding to say more, "he's hiding something, but each person has their own secrets."
"Like the repressed memories of your past?"
"...something like that."
It's frustrating to say at the very least. Byleth knows her memories have been sealed away by her own mind in order to cope with whatever was haunting her. Yet, it manifests as an inner demon, a cruel, merciless shadow of her past that would cling to her from her back, ghastly, invisible hands trailing up her body, digging its claws deep into her chest. For many years, she knows she simply co-existed with the phantom, tolerating its presence when it appears.
This world is cold and cruel, she would hear it say to her on occasion. The more pain you feel, the more strength you gain. Sometimes, it would be cryptic, but also very ominous.
There was no pleasure in the pain she experiences in her life. There was simply no reason to view her world with any color. Colors of greens and earthy hues ran dull to her perceptions, the cones and rods in her eyes processed it, yet her mind refuses to see color. It's an odd contrast, but truly, the only color she is accustomed to is the dark shade of red. Red, like the carnations that haunts her dreams. Red like the blood from the victims that she slays. Red like Edelgard.
Only Edelgard causes her to react in such a visceral way. Only Edelgard causes her eyes to light up with life. Only Edelgard causes her to feel emotions with butterflies dancing in her stomach. Only Edelgard's hand and warmth gives her a feeling of serenity. Byleth sighs. "What have I gotten myself into?" she internally answers.
"A lot." Sothis prods, gauging her vessel's reactions, "not only are you quite attached to the girl you have saved, you are potentially tasked with teaching her house if you choose the Black Eagles."
Teaching the Black Eagles would only drive Byleth insane. To suffocate within her own emotions while attempting to keep boundaries and professionalism was quite a task and definitely more weight upon her plate of burdens. Yet, while a mistake, she knows the truth would never be acquired if she ran away all because of how she felt. Blue eyes notice the cat sitting in front of her. She bends downwards, fingers gently petting the black cat's head, scratching gently behind the ears. "I'll speak to the Golden Deer house leader first. Learn about them, then go talk to Edelgard...and learn about the Black Eagles," she replies to Sothis, focus pinned onto the black cat receiving her tender touch and scratches.
"And if you choose the Black Eagles, what will you do?"
A tribulation that this will be, but Byleth knows that Sothis truly understands what she is feeling despite not being able to express her own feelings well. If she did choose the Black Eagles, what would that achieve? Self-satisfaction? A pursuit of knowledge? The teal-haired instructor can only hope that if she were to choose the rockiest and most turbulent of choices, that she would make it out alive without any further scars tearing her from the inside out.
"Then…" Byleth answers calmly, "I simply live with my decision to the very end. No matter how painful it may be."
"Are you prepared to walk the path you choose, then?"
"...no." Byleth sighs, "I'm not. Truly, I'm not."
It's all too new for her. Having feelings and being shoved into a situation where she had no control over. Being told what to do over and over again. It's confusing. Byleth feels lost in truth, having independence to make her important choices for once. Jeralt while having to coddle her from the world, also allowed her to explore and grow up adjusting to her environment. Still, this is her fate now, stuck in a large academy that simultaneously sheltered the broken and the lost. It seemed peaceful.
"Heh. Piqued your interest, have I?" Claude speaks lightheartedly, his smile not reaching to his eyes, "Name's Claude von Riegan. House leader of the Golden Deer."
Blue eyes scan at the taller male, noticing his posture, his golden cape, and the way he puts himself forward to her. Byleth nods. "I'm here to learn about the students," she answers, "What can you tell me about yourself and the others?"
Claude lets out a chuckle. "Jumping in so soon, eh Teach?" He's avoiding the question, Byleth knows this, "What's life without a bit of mystery? Let's just spend the next year or so learning about each other, little by little."
A brow is quirked at his remark. Unlike Dimitri, it was obvious that the dark-haired young man had more confidence. She finds it fascinating in the stark contrast of personalities, but Byleth simply nods. "Fair enough," she replies, out of professional obligation-it was rude after all to mute herself form a conversation that she started.
Claude crosses his arms, pondering about the selection of students in the Golden Deer, and he explains. He explains how Lysithea is the youngest, how feisty she is when treated like a child. Explains how Marianne, the silent daughter of Edmund only to never socially interact with others. He explains about Lorenz, his noble duties and arrogance is all that he talks about despite caring for others in his own conceited way. And Byleth makes mental notes of each student explained. She finds that this roster was a lot more lively and varied unlike the Blue Lions, filled with loyalty, chivalry and the hopes of being a knight. It's refreshing in a sense, to know that there was uniqueness to each individual in the Golden Deer.
Byleth excuses herself from Claude's presence, informing him that she had to speak to the other house leaders. Walking away, she notices her own pace picking up, knowing that Edelgard was the last person to see before she had to go back to Rhea with her informed decision. It feels surreal having a reason to keep moving forward, to want to see someone so bad to the point that she would worry herself to the bone if she did not. Of course, she made it a priority to talk to Edelgard last so she would be able to spend the longest amount of time with her.
"Edelgard-" Byleth speaks after silence to herself, the visage of the smaller, white-haired girl upon her perception.
"Professor." Edelgard answers, turning her positioning to face the taller of the two, "I heard you have taken up the offer to teach here at Garreg Mach. As you know, I'm Edelgard von Hresvelg. I will be the house leader of the Black Eagles."
The light in Byleth's eyes shimmer. Just hearing Edelgard talk was enough to gain her focus entirely, her pulse within her own veins and arteries travel to her unbeating heart, and the sensation of warmth floods within her. Butterflies dance in her gut, but she feels speechless all the same. All she can do is merely nod. In fact, she's rather stricken with overwhelming sensations.
She notices the way Edelgard smiles at her, almost reading her mind completely, "It's rather obvious that you're here to learn about the Black Eagles. Who sticks out the most to you?"
"You." Byleth answers immediately, the way her voice tenses was a dead giveaway about her current state; Edelgard doesn't seem to mind.
"Me?" Edelgard blinks a couple of times, the lilacs in her eyes bearing a sense of guardedness to them, but Byleth sees some familiarity within them all the same. "Well...some think I'm a bit distant. Arrogant even. But there's little to be done. One day, I must rise to become Adrestia's new emperor. What else… Well, it seems to me that we may have similar personalities."
"Similar...personalities?" Byleth tilts her head to the side at that statement, her voice quiet and soft.
Edelgard allows herself to smile wryly at her, "Don't you think so, Professor?"
Confused, Byleth feels a tight sensation within her chest, her mind flashes back to the distant past. Carnations, lilies and other flowers. It was always carnations that haunt her visions. She remembers holding hands with someone-a young girl around her age. Yet her face was unnoticed. "I...I guess so." was her answer, weak, hesitant even.
Aren't you pathetic for growing weak in front of the girl you saved. You're a naive fool as always. Byleth allows herself to take a deep breath, calming the nerves down, ignoring that phantom, demonic voice in her head. "Who else can you tell me about? I want to know everyone to the best I can before I make my decision."
Edelgard nods, her expression unfaltering. She explains about the way Ferdinand views her as a bitter rival, the way he comes from an arrogant family. Byleth notes the way Edelgard sighs and burrows her brow a bit moment. Cute. Byleth muses to herself and continues to listen to Edelgard's quick facts about everyone in the house of the Eagle. She explains how Linhardt's intelligence is charming, the way he is able to apply his knowledge easily-at the cost of his reluctance to participate with others only for himself. He enjoys napping, Byleth hears her say, and she nods. Edelgard talks about a crestless son from a noble house, eager to prove himself. She explains the way Bernadetta hides away in the shadows of her room, eccentric, nervous. She speaks about Dorothea, a commoner that managed to sneak into the noble house of the Black Eagles, a songstress with a hidden reason for why she joined the academy. Petra, the granddaughter of the king from Brigid, smart and studious.
Her chest hurts the most when Edelgard describes Hubert. Hubert, a name so familiar yet so distant, the teal-haired woman can't help but feel her memories trail back further into the past, and a blurry figure with black hair is seen. She's unsure if she knows Hubert personally, yet she feels a sense of familiarity when it came to his name alone. Her chest hurts. I don't like this feeling. It's extremely uncomfortable. Yet, all she can do is nod, distract-change the topic.
"How's your arm doing?" she quickly chips in after the details about the Black Eagles, desperate to run away from the ache she feels within her chest.
Edelgard goes silent, and she scans at blue eyes and finds nothing. No ulterior motive. She allows a white gloved hand to place itself onto the black fabric, pulling it upwards to reveal the bandages wrapped around her arm. "Better, thanks to you." she answers calmly, her gaze still pinned onto Byleth's expression, "you need not worry about it. It's healing nicely."
Byleth gently grabs onto Edelgard's hand, pulling her closer to inspect the bandages. Sloppy. She muses to herself. "It's a sloppy job. Incorrect method. Maybe I can teach you how to do a proper dressing-" she looks up, what a big mistake, "so...you won't have a risk of infection…"
The distance between them both has been cut, the feeling in Byleth's throat tenses-she suddenly cannot breathe. Letting go, she apologizes. "Sorry for that, I was concerned since you took a blow that could have severed your arm if you weren't careful enough-"
"Quite alright," Edelgard answers, her cheeks mildly painting with a small pink hue as she takes a step back; she pulls her sleeve down after, "I'd like that of course."
Silence eats at the air, and tensions rise. Byleth shuffles herself a bit, crossing her arms. She did have one question for the imperial princess. "Edelgard, if I were to teach the Black Eagles...how would you feel?"
Edelgard eyes at her carefully, yet her words as an answer were cool and calculated all the same. "Intrigued." she answers, "you would need to prove your strength to me and to the others. Hold nothing back."
Holding nothing back? She remembers the way she is when she allows herself without restraint. The inner demon that manifested in her youth was her boon and yet also her bane. It seeks vengeance, blood, and wants nothing more than to tear apart the lives of those upon her path. So she asks for the Ashen Demon- quiet you. Byleth fears that if she were to show Edelgard her true nature that it would frighten her and shun her away from her. It would break her heart.
"I see." she swallows the small lump in her throat, "then, I suppose that is what's expected."
When Rhea inquires to her about which house she would like to teach, Byleth feels tension, pricks in her legs and hands, the clamminess depicting her sudden nervousness. "The Black Eagles." she answers confidently, looking at the archbishop.
"Your heart is set." Rhea nods.
Byleth's world suddenly feels like it has been colored instead of the dull tones she chose to ignore for so long. Everything was bright. Memories of the same carnations and lilies color her mind, but instead of causing confusion and pain like it always did, it colored her entire world this time.