I enter our cottage with fire in my steps, slamming the door behind me, and straight to my bedroom, ignoring my roommates in the living room. To their credit, neither make an effort to come after me, probably sensing my fury, and they assume it better to leave me be.
I shed my coat and toss it carelessly onto a chair, while my shoes are kicked into a corner as I drop on the bed. I'm more upset with myself than with Delphine, to be honest. I was convinced I had left all of this behind me; that hell would freeze over before I let myself be manipulated by her, deceived by the innocent pose she has apparently mastered over the years. In the few times I allowed myself to ponder what would happen if I ever saw her again, this was definitely not how it would have transpired. When I pictured it in my head, it was Delphine that would be left feeling like this; the one feeling like shit after I'd lain into her all that had been simmering in my mind for years. It might be selfish and even machiavellian, but I wanted her to feel guilty for the pain she'd caused me, for nearly breaking me without repair. I never wanted her to ask for forgiveness either, but if she had a little taste of what it felt like to have all hope stripped out of you, even better.
Yes, in my darkest days, when I had allowed my mind to wander through the somber halls of my memories, I wanted her to suffer. I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Of course in order for my plot to be successful, she had to have lived a very different life than she apparently did. The Delphine in my mind was still the Delphine I knew, frozen in time, without life experiences. We always do this, right? You lose contact with people and they remain the same person you knew. You don't account for the fact that they continue to live their lives despite you not being there. And so she did; carry on with her life into college and a job, eventually finding a man that she deemed worthy of spending the rest of her life with.
What I also didn't predict was how it would actually feel to be with her again. How comfortable it would be to spend time with her, how she would so candidly welcome me into her life, like nothing had happened between us that would disrupt our interactions. In a way, Delphine feels the same. As before, she let me walk into her life. Still with the same boundaries she had set before, still reserved and calm, but not making me feel like I was unwelcome. And I, still the fool, eagerly entered, all the scars that still mar my spirit momentarily forgotten.
But on the other hand, part of me knows she's not the same person. Her new persona is there, in her long silences that feel so much different than before, in the glances she stole when she thought I wasn't looking, in the words of caution she has cryptically said.
There's something more to her, another layer was added in our separation. And, perhaps that's what caught me off guard; why I couldn't bring myself to conjure the more hostile words I had reserved for her during the years between then and now. Either that or I'm a lot dumber than I thought.
It must be the cold that wakes me up, curled into myself, arms hugging my chest and a stiff back from the tension, the temperature must've dropped significantly. I stretch my spine with a groan and blink a few times, waiting for my sight to adjust to the darkness in the room. Only the moonlight sparsely illuminates the small division and, judging by the eerie silence in the house, I know it's late. I sit up and search for my glasses next to the pillows, and swing my legs to the cold hardwood floor. I stand and arch my back again until I hear a pleasant crack. In the pocket of the coat left abandoned on a chair I find my phone and see that it's 5.20. Apparently I fell asleep with my clothes on. Sarah and Felix had not disturbed me the entire night, but that doesn't mean I'm on the clear from their judgment.
I'm as quiet as possible when I cross the hall and make a quick stop in the bathroom, shoes already on and the coat folded over my arm. Next I go to the kitchen, where I waste no time to grab an apple, rinse it under the faucet and leave, closing the door quietly.
With the apple between my teeth, I tug the coat tighter around my chest when I step outside. It had snowed during the night and my feet crunch the little nuggets of ice as I walk. Despite the freezing air the sky is clear, and when I look up I can see millions of little bright speckles covering the dark mantle on the sky. It's quiet all around me, too early for the birds to announce the arrival of a new day and too late for the night creatures to be out on the hunt. I have no destination in mind, I don't even know what lead me to leave the comfort and warmth of the house.
It's ridiculous that I try to convince myself that I don't care when, in between bites of the fruit, I glance in the direction of where the cars are usually parked. The sight of the beaten up SUV causes a painful twist in my gut while my brain scolds in a vicious voice: "what did you expect?"
As if I could chase away the thoughts with physical distance, I walk in the opposite direction. The sound of my steps over the snow seems increasingly louder as I approach the area where the new garage is being constructed. The metal skeleton of the building resembles claws angrily stretching up to scratch the dark sky and sends an irrational shiver down my spine, but I approach anyway. The shadow of the construction doesn't allow the moonlight to reach the area and I turn on the flashlight app on my phone for better visibility. I scan the inside of the building with the beam of light, surprised to see a large pit where open ground should be. It looks like an underground level is being dug under the garage floor, which makes absolutely no sense. The construction is big enough to house at least ten vehicles and it's not like they need another cellar since the one under the main house is fully functional, according to the information S has given us.
Suddenly I hear what sounds like footsteps behind me. Muffled by the soft snow, the unexpected noise sends my pulse into a frenzy, but I still have the quickness of mind to immediately turn off the flashlight and surround myself with pitch-black darkness. I don't dare move, struggling to steady my breathing while my ears strain to catch any other noise. Long minutes pass as I remain still. Failing to see or hear anything else, the tension gradually gives way while I rationalize that it was nothing but a small animal awakened by my light.
Still, as I walk away from the construction site and in the direction of the main house, I dare not turn my light back on, letting the moonlight illuminate my path.
This time my walk leads me to the pool, where I find the chairs and tables sheltered beneath the canopy and drop onto the one facing east. I don't know how long I'm seated, but I do see the blue in the sky become lighter and then turn to an increasingly brighter orange as the sun starts to peek over the horizon, thin, white clouds starting to blanket the sky. With my arms wrapped around my chest and the collar of the coat pulled up to my ears I protect myself from the cold that seeps into my bones from staying still for so long. The sun is almost in full display when, in the distance, I hear the roar of a car; probably Joshua going out for the breakfast run.
My joints complain when I finally get up after hearing that same car return. At the front door of the cottage my suspicions are confirmed by the bag with fresh bread dangling from the doorknob. I get it and move inside the house, I hear someone already taking the morning shower as I carry the bag to the kitchen and start preparing something to eat.
"And you said she wouldn't be a problem..." Sarah's voice comes from behind me when I'm filling my second cup of coffee.
"She's not," I answer flatly without turning to face her.
"Right," she mocks. "That explains your reaction when you arrived yesterday."
"She's not the target!" I know I'm starting to sound defensive, but there's no reasonable justification for my attitude; not without sharing with Sarah more than I care to.
"No," Sarah agrees with me, "but she is a distraction we can't afford. If your eyes are constantly on the sway of her hips then you might miss something important."
"That's not gonna happen, Sarah," I say with determination, turning around and looking her straight in the eye.
"I think you believe that, Cosima, I really do, but you can't possibly know that for sure," she nods, getting closer and pouring herself a cup of coffee, staring at me for a while. "I just want to remind you what's at stake here."
"I know what's at stake", I say annoyed and she begins to scowl. "For instance, this morning I became very interested in the construction of that garage," I ignore her look and aim in the general direction of the new building.
I see curiosity form in her gaze. "Why is that?"
"Did you take a good look around it?"
Sarah shakes her head. "The perimeter is closed," she answers. "Only construction workers are allowed in there."
"And don't you think that's suspicions?" I confront her. "I mean, we're the security team... you're supposed to be the coordinator and make sure everything runs smoothly. Yet, you're not allowed access to the most vulnerable area of the Estate. Who knows what's really going on there?"
"I do think it's weird and I've voiced my concerns to Alfred, but he said that was Daniel's instructions. He's the one overseeing the construction." Sarah tells me.
"If you're so worried, why don't you talk to him about it?" Felix enters the kitchen, still in his pajamas and immediately contributes in an irritated tone. "Since you're so friendly with each other that you don't even mind sharing a woman."
"We're not sharing anything," I turn to him and spit out aggressively. "And we are definitely not friends."
"You certainly seem to be spending a lot of time with him," he continues in the same tone. "He even wants you to be best buddies with his future wife. What do you think he'd say if he knew you want to fuck his oh-so-innocent fiancé?"
In a split second I'm in his face, standing on the tips of my toes to make up for my lack of height. "Why don't you tell him?" I challenge. "Lets see what good that does for our mission.
"You wouldn't know, would you? Since you have no fucking idea what the fuck you're doing," I press on when he says nothing, clearly being caught by surprise by the belligerence in my words. "No wonder S has never sent you alone on a mission. You're a little shit that cracks under the pressure and runs around, chasing his tail when things get just a bit too serious."
"I'm not the one who's losing my mind over a nice piece of ass!" He's reckless enough to push me.
I would launch at him if Sarah hadn't put herself between us, her hands on each of our chests, keeping us apart.
"No one's gonna say anything to anyone!" She's says firmly and looks at Felix. "You're gonna stop teasing Cosima about Delphine," she continues in a voice that sounds final before she turns to me "and you're gonna stay away from her!"
Both Felix and I start to protest, but Sarah will have none of that. "End of discussion!"
"Fine!" I step back. "Just try to get your hands on the blueprints for the garage," I say from the door, "they're building a room underground and I think it would be helpful to know what's that about." I give a murderous glare to Felix. "See... this is what being on a mission means: we gather information and use it to our advantage."
"I see..." In his face a mocking glare. "That's why you're trying to shag the future daughter-in-law, right… for information…"
I leave without a response, marching to the office where I have logs waiting for me. I do, however still hear Sarah snapping at him and I know that, at least for now, I still have an ally.