A/N: okay, this is the last chapter of the "past". I wasn't sure where I could put it, but I figured this is a nice placement. We can now focus on the main plot.
Once again, thanks to my beta for doing a great job.
Heavy clouds cast a dark shadow over me everywhere I went; days on end when I couldn't see a glimpse of light. I was a ghost of myself, wandering the halls and attending classes, a spirit devoid of strength, of emotion. I felt numb. I avoided people, human interaction of any kind, incapable of any sort of empathy. I, myself, was becoming a shadow.
Few people would notice the difference, only my friend Scott was able to see the change, and while today I can see that he was only trying to be a good friend, to bring me back to the world of the living, I'm ashamed to admit that I was horrible to him. As if he were also to blame for the state I was in, despite his numerous warnings, he too was cast aside. If I had any anger left in me, he would've been a victim of it. But even anger was absent. Instead I dismissed his worries, scoffed at his words of comfort, demanded to be left alone in my misery even when he persisted to stick around despite my rudeness.
My grades plummeted, and by the end of the second semester of my senior year, my entire academic career until that moment would be completely worthless, shattered by the actions of a few weeks. I was called to the administration office several times, the dramatic fall of my grades alarming, but I heard nothing. Their voices echoed, as if I was underwater, and I only nodded along, pretending to hear, when in fact, nothing registered. Eventually they told me that they would allow me to finish the year for the sake of my previous work, but that was all.
I could be cynical and say all this was to blame on only one person: Delphine, but even I knew that was not true. While she was partially responsible for it, she was not alone. Some of it, perhaps most was my own fault for not being able to deal with it in a more mature way. My life shouldn't be over just because of unrequited love; I should have more to expect from life than being with someone else, more so if that someone didn't want to be with me. I should've asked for more than that, should've been able to move on with my life and worked to put that place behind me along with all the memories that it held.
This is all true and, even if I saw it then on some level, I couldn't let go. I allowed that rejection to be the center of my existence, held hostage by a situation I had no control over. I allowed that weakness to take hold of me, embraced the darkness that it caused, and let it guide my every action since. If there was any anger left in me, it was not directed at my friend who was only trying to help me and it wasn't even towards Delphine, whose actions while censurable were not exactly unpredictable, considering what had led us to that moment. If I could be angry it was at myself, for not being as strong as I pretended to be.
My weakness was at its finest when I caught a glimpse of Delphine. Although I did my best to avoid her, it was impossible to do so, we did have classes together after all and the school was not that big. She had wasted little time getting a new boyfriend, in a bid to assert herself as one of the normals, no doubt, with very public displays of affection for everyone to see. I have no idea what she said to her friends in order to brush off what had happened between us, perhaps she said I was making stuff up, the crazy delusional lesbo. Whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't that hard to sell. Delphine is a master at persuasion, and who would believe she wanted something to do with me anyway.
During that dark period of my life only one thing kept me going.
It was a tremendous advantage that my roommate didn't particularly care about me and was happy I stayed away from her. It was easy to find out where she hid her cell phone and she was stupid enough to have it always on, buzzing non stop inside one of her drawers, lest she miss an important text or call. To this day it still surprises me that she never caught on that I was using it to get in touch with my only contact with the outside world, where I could leave all of my troubles behind.
I acquired the habit of sneaking out to meet Lucy whenever she was in town, no matter what day it was. With the unknown cooperation of my roommate, who, in her desire to keep me away, never said a word to anyone about my middle of the night escapades, I managed to break curfew. It was too easy to reach the outside, and once there, I used the protection of the night, to reach an area of the school grounds where the trees were right next to the wall. Scaling the tree, and onto an overhanging branch, I'd find Lucy waiting in the car on the road that surrounded the property.
We never went too far. Sometimes she would drive us back to the coffee house where we met and enjoy an hot chocolate, or when winter started to fade and the nights were not so unforgivingly cold, she would drive us to an isolated area, overlooking the small town and we would share a smoke. We talked about anything that came to mind. She was keen on discussing her latest literary discovery and mostly, I would listen, adding a book to a list that until this day exists but it's far from being read in its entirety. When she asked, I talked about what was discussed in classes, with annoyance and boredom, but I would answer nonetheless. What we never talked about was the future, it was as if we were frozen in time and the present was all that matter. I'm sure this was not accidental, she must have sensed from the beginning that this was what I needed and Lucy had the foresight to make it so.
I loved talking with Lucy. She was smart and engaging, with a dark sense of humor that to some people might've been marginally offensive. She was understanding and helpful when needed, but never judgmental, and she wasn't fond of offering unwanted advice like so many people I've encountered throughout my life. Yes, she was great, but that's not why I was always so eager to meet her. The truth is, it was only when I was with her and away from the walls of the school that have become oppressive to me, that I felt like myself again. Only then did the heavy clouds lift, no longer casting a shadow over my thoughts. I was again able to smile, laugh, feel.
I knew the day would come when I had to tell her my story, but when that day arrived, it wasn't something she pried out of me. Instead it was me who decided to offer her my tale. Lucy listened in silence, with her eyes on me as I was talking, sitting on the hood of the car with my stare in the distant lights of the sleeping town.
"You still like her," was what she said when I was finally done.
"I do," I admitted in a quiet voice. "But I don't know why."
She gave me a small smile. "And I doubt you ever will."
"Geez, that's encouraging," I said with a hint of humor.
And it was like the heavy weight that has been pressed to my chest was suddenly lifted. I suppose that's why people enjoy confession, speaking of our concerns out loud is incredibly liberating. It's out there, in the world, and having someone else to share the burden makes it less powerful, less consuming. Even if Lucy could do nothing herself to change how I felt about it, it didn't make it less reassuring.
She continued to look at me with sympathetic eyes, not as if she was feeling sorry for me, but as if she was familiar with my situation. "I know…" Lucy said with a little chuckle. "I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to offer."
"You could at least tell me that it will get better with time," I bargained for some sort of improvement.
"You're a smart girl, Cosima," Lucy said, moving around and leaning into the car through the open window to reach the glove box and getting a previously rolled joint. "You don't need me to coax you into feeling better, you'll get there by yourself."
I watched her scoot back onto the hood of the car, settling close to me, her arm brushing against my shoulder as she shifted and brought the joint to her lips, lighting it. She took a generous drag before extending it my way, and we smoked in silence for a few minutes, out eyes below us on the dim lights of the town while a mist fell around us.
When spring break came it felt like the worst had passed. My school performance was steadily increasing the more I felt like myself again, and I was slowly getting back on track. The anomaly lasted a little over a month and although my heart still clenched tightly at the sight of Delphine, my life didn't seem like such a deep pit of misery. In fact, after a while, even though the gut wrenching feeling was still there, seeing Delphine with her new pet only gave me a new perspective in life, renewed energy to carry on. But mostly I realized one thing: I wanted out. I was ready to leave all that behind, forget what I could, and use what I couldn't as a lesson to take with me when I left.
No stranger to this different perspective was Lucy. After I told her everything, she never once brought it up again. In my time with her, my past counted for nothing, and when I was ready to talk about my future again, she was there to help me, offering guidance and support. It was refreshing to have someone by my side who asked for nothing in return.
Our relationship grew naturally, gradually. It wasn't an instant infatuation that came out of nowhere, like it happened with Delphine; it wasn't as intense either, but it was nice and comfortable. When she kissed me for the first time, it wasn't earth shattering, but it felt right; when she held me it didn't felt like I was being enfolded in blazing inferno, but it felt warm and safe. Unsurprisingly, Lucy was much more experienced, much more skilled than Delphine. She also didn't retreat when I tried to move things further, my hands were free to roam and explore wherever I wanted. And although I wasn't entirely guided by an urgent desire, I did wish to explore every single inch of her, curious about what was ahead and finding myself pleasantly surprised when there were no barriers to my exploration, no lines I could not cross. Her own touches were bold, her caresses not tentative but laced with craving that even I, in my little experience, could easily read. Still, I think the best part of it all was to feel wanted, unafraid that my advances would be met with rejection.
Yes, Lucy made me feel wanted, desired and when, right at the end of spring break, she invited me to spend the night at her place, with her parents being out, I did not hesitate to accept. I knew what was on her mind. Unlike Delphine, Lucy was an open book, written in a language that was uncomplicated, no enigmas or cryptic messages that I struggled to decipher. After all I'd been through, there was an incredible appeal to her simplicity, her honesty, and I was attracted to the uncomplicated way she saw our relationship.
With the school practically deserted, it was almost too easy for me to leave undetected under the cover of night. Filled with nervous energy, I escaped the school grounds and met her outside, in the same place we've met several times before.
"You ready?" She asked once I shut the car's door and I knew that it was a question that meant something beyond those two words.
I nodded and smiled, the nervousness still present, but melting away rapidly at the sight of her. "Yep! Let's go!" I said determined.
There was a certain awkwardness between us when we got to her house, suddenly I didn't know what to do with myself, even just removing my coat seemed like an impossible task. Lucy approached me, smiling a little and helped me with that simple endeavor.
"Sorry," I said with a nervous chuckle. "I'm usually a lot smoother than this."
Her smile grew and she leaned her head forward to reach my lips. "It's okay to be nervous," she assured me while her arms embraced me and pulled me closer. "But I promise to take good care of you," Lucy said with a subtle wink.
She delivered.
There was no hurry to her movements when she tugged my shirt up and over my head. Her lips were slowly but surely covering me with tender kisses; soft, full flesh skimming over my shoulder, my lips, my neck. I was so focused on those touches, that I didn't even realize she had me completely bare from the waist up in a matter of minutes. Only when her hands left the back of my neck and moved to my torso did I noticed it. She enticed me, my body quickly becoming addicted to her teasing, seeking more. Lucy was patient, she waited for me to feel comfortable with the feel of her hands against my skin, unobstructed by layers of clothes like before, although she didn't need to wait long.
Soon, I was the one tugging at her clothes, feeling warm, smooth skin beneath the pads of my fingers. My hands moved to her chest, still covered by the fabric of her bra, to which she smiled, and after gently encouraging me to sit on the edge of the bed, she removed it herself. My eyes left the dark pools of her eyes, traveling lower and I swallowed thickly. Butterflies filled the pit of my stomach, and all the nerves were being erased by a deep yearning that only grew when Lucy decided, with a smile on her plump lips, to remove her faded jeans.
Ironically, I was the one who was growing impatient. I was the one who grasped her hips and pulled her to me in a sudden burst of bravery, and made her lay on the bed as I crawled up her body, drawing a surprised gasp. I was insatiable; my hands stroked every curve of her body, and my mouth reached every inch of skin that I was eager to taste, even if I wasn't sure of what I was doing or if I was doing it right. The unquenchable desire had finally kicked in and it was guiding my movements, curious about the reaction I would get from my touch upon her body.
I only stopped when I felt her thigh slipping between my legs and push up against me. In that moment I froze, my back arched, and a new, unfamiliar sound made its way out from the back of my throat.
"Is this okay?" Lucy asked, her leg lowered as her gaze filled with concern.
"Yes, yes!" I said readily, nodding vigorously, feeling my body complaining from the loss of contact. "It's just… you know… new…" I stumbled on my words.
She hummed, raising her thigh again and smiling at my reaction, her fingertips rolling over my hips. "It'll be better if you lose those pants," she suggested in an husky voice.
I laughed and looked down our bodies, watching the fingertips of her right hand skim along the skin of my lower abdomen, causing my hips to involuntarily jerk, before they sunk under the waist of my pants. "I think you're right," I replied hoarsely, my eyes going to hers.
Lucy took it as a go-ahead, and my eyes went back down, watching as she unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down my hips.
From there she took over. Lucy spun us around and finished divesting me of my jeans. There was certainty in her movements as her touch descended steadily, the palms of her hands firm against my skin. Strong, yet gentle fingers caressed the curves of my body, tugging tightly at the curves of my hips while her mouth was making its own journey south, over my collarbone, my breasts. She continued to show patience with me, giving my body time to get used to a new kind of stimulation whenever her hands reached new ground, easily picking up my cues and moving forward when I was ready for it.
My nerves were completely forgotten when her touch reached between my legs, gently at first, watching me attentively, and taking notice of my every reaction. It took me wrapping my legs around her waist for her to feel comfortable enough to be more firm, for the tip of her fingers to roll freely over me, while she wore the most charming smile on her lips. After a moment, Lucy's mouth was kissing me all over, with my hands on the back of her neck, I encountered her exploration, panting heavily, testing my voice as I groaned deeply, feeling an unfamiliar pressure beneath my belly, which only seemed to grow and spread throughout my entire body. My hips surged, meeting her touch in urgent motions, and I no longer seemed in control of my body. My lungs were starving for air no matter how deep my breathing was, and suddenly, unexpectedly, it all came crashing down, the pressure released abruptly as a long moan escaped my lips and my entire body was trembling.
After that there was silence; tranquility as a sense of relief I've never experienced before came over me. My body was completely loose, the weight of Lucy's body over mine, anchoring me to the world, as if it were the only thing keeping me from floating away. I heard her chuckle, and felt the warmth of her breath over the skin of my neck that she continued to shower with kisses.
I sighed when she pulled away, my hands blindly search for her and only finding her when Lucy moved back up, bringing the comforter with her to cover our bodies. She laid on her side next to me, her fingertips running along the overheated skin of my torso.
"I think that went well," she said quietly with a small laugh.
My own laugh was much louder. "Yeah, quite nicely," I answered, my hand reaching her arm and pulling it around me tighter.
"I want you to know that I'm not expecting anything in return, Cosima," Lucy's low voice came to me after a moment of silence.
I opened my eyes and looked at her with a frown. "What do you mean?" I asked confused.
"You know exactly what I mean," she said, but she wasn't severe as much as she was just pointing out the obvious. "I know that what we have… well, it's not love," she proceeded to explain in a soft voice. "We understand each other, there's definitely a connection and I know you like me a lot, but…"
"Lucy…" I stopped her and took a deep breath. "We work. Maybe you're right, but this," my hand swayed between the two of us, "it works."
"Your first time should've been with someone that more than just works." She didn't sound judgmental, if anything, Lucy sounded slightly sad.
"My first time should've been with someone I care about and who cares about me," I corrected her, my hand grabbing at her arm more firmly. "And look! It is! I have no regrets whatsoever."
"Alright, then!" Lucy said, finally convinced. "In that case, let me get you some water." She changed the subject to a direction I didn't see coming and got up, stretching her spine with a pleased groan.
Confused, I watched her walk out of the room without another word. "I'm not really thirsty!" I called out loud enough for her to hear me.
Lucy didn't answer me and in a couple of minutes she was returning to the bedroom, two glasses filled with water in hand. She was smiling as she gave me one and I took it just so she could sit back on the bed without spilling it. I continued to observe her with an arched eyebrow while Lucy drank half of the content of her glass. Next she leaned over me, resting the glass on the nightstand on my side and ending up on top of me in the process.
"Go on!" She encouraged, her dark brown eyes on the glass in my hands, adjusting the ponytail of her long, dark hair. "It's important to stay hydrated. I have a few more things to show you," she added as her smile got wider and playful.
"Oh…" I breathed out and brought the glass to my lips, happy to comply.
We didn't exactly sleep that night, although there were moments of calmness that we used to regain energy. I was an eager student, and Lucy an attentive teacher. When dawn broke and the rising sun slipped through the shutters, I doubt there was a part of her body I wasn't familiar with. Despite my inexperience there really was not a moment of awkwardness, and I never felt overwhelmed during my exploration, not with Lucy's constant reassurance. She was caring and understanding, she showed me the ropes and guided my hand, sometimes quite literally.
Lucy taught me how to love the female body and that is a gift I'll always be thankful for. No, it wasn't love, but her experience and my eagerness to learn made up for it. For years we kept in touch, and while our relationship wasn't always intimate, Lucy was the one thing I made sure to retain from that time of my life. It's not difficult to see why: she was such a separate part from everything else, something I could remember without feeling the sudden ache in my heart that snuck up on me whenever a stubborn memory resurfaced.
The only thing that made me return so early was the fear of getting caught if I didn't show up in the cafeteria for breakfast. Ironically, sneaking in was much harder than escape, not having the darkness of the night on my side. I always climbed onto the roof of Lucy's car to reach the top of the wall and jump back inside. My eyes scanning the area carefully, my ears alert for any sound, but aside from the early song of the birds and a squirrel running for hide, I hear and saw nothing. Once inside the dorm I knew I was safe, if anyone saw me I could simply claim I had gotten up early. Still, I saw no one, but in the cafeteria I heard people talking, the clanging of dishes and silverware as they got everything ready for breakfast. I quickly made my way up to my room, thinking I could really use a shower before I came back down. The door was shut, just as I left it, there were no signs that my escape had been noticed. I opened the door quietly, slipped inside and shut it just as softly.
"You're up early."
The voice made me stop, still facing the door that I'd just closed.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, still without turning around and feeling already an anger bubbling in my chest.
"I wanted to talk," Delphine answered, her eyes narrowing in my direction and looking me over once I spun around to face her. "I came back early so we could…"
"Talk!" I interrupted rudely. "Yeah, yeah, so you've said," I waved an arm, dismissing her and going to one of my drawers to get clean clothes.
"Yes, I…" she hesitated, he eyes following me as I moved around the room. "I didn't like the way we left things."
"Oh… you didn't like how you belittled me in front of your awesome friends? I'm really sorry to hear it. What can I do to help you, Delphine? I just can't wait to lay myself at your feet and wait for you to walk all over me," I was speaking rapidly, my anger quickly evolving into bitterness, and when I finally stopped, I stared angrily at her, challenging her to continue.
"It's… it's not like that," Delphine says defensively, clearly caught off guard by my ire.
"Oh shit! My bad," I joked darkly, bringing a hand to my chest in a mocked apology. "Then tell me how is it. Why don't you tell me why you waited almost two months to talk to me?" I kept glaring at her and she did manage to hold my gaze for a few long seconds before she folded and lowered her head. "Oh… that's right! We're alone now, your reputation is safe this way," I continued, unrelenting.
Delphine didn't reply and after a few more seconds, I turned away and walked to the side of my closet, where my bath towel was hanging from a hook.
"You just got back." Delphine wasn't asking, she said it with a note of surprise, as if she was only then realizing it.
"Yeah, so?"
I know I shouldn't care, but it was impossible to ignore the dark satisfaction it gave me to see her work out in her head the implications of what she had just learned. There was a shift in her features, a clench of her jaw, and a darkening in her eyes that Delphine let slip before she moved to the window. I didn't do it because of her. It's true that I couldn't say she didn't cross my mind the previous night, but that was not my motivation. I didn't even expect her to find out about it, I didn't want her to, but knowing that she had and seeing her reaction, I felt somewhat vindicated.
Without saying anything else I left the room and headed to the bathroom, where I took my time, fully expecting her to have left when I returned. But I was wrong. Despite my words, Delphine was still there, still gazing out the window, unmoving even as I shut the door a little more forcefully than needed.
"You're still here," I commented in an annoyed voice.
"I said I wanted to talk with you," she repeated her request, but I could sense her patience running low.
"Yeah? Well I don't want to hear what you have to say," I said curtly, without a hint of resentment.
It was impossible to show any sort of understanding. Almost two months had passed since she said what she did in front of everyone else, but it might as well have been the day before. The wounds were still fresh, the bleeding had barely stopped, but enough time had passed for me to realize one very important thing: if I listened to whatever contrived excuse she had concocted, I was still not strong enough to see clearly through her lies.
"You're…" Delphine paused, staring at me with a curious tilt of her head, "... different."
I snorted. "Yeah, I am." I admitted. "I finally realized what kind of person you are."
A quiet fury danced in her golden eyes, the part of her that was obviously not enjoying this line of conversation was coming out. "And what kind of person am I?" The challenge in her voice was unmistakable.
"Manipulative, selfish," I didn't hesitate. "The kind of person who uses other people until they get what they want and then discard them."
When I finished Delphine looked like she was smiling, but it was nothing more than a cold stretch of her lips, in her eyes a pyre burned. "And what could I possible have wanted from you?"
"Fuck if I know!" I replied, unwilling to try to make sense of her motivations.
Delphine shook her head, her jawbone tense, her fists closed along her body. "When you do find out, Cosima, come look for me and maybe then we can have that talk."
She didn't wait for my answer, choosing instead to walk to the door, open it with a violent tug and took her leave. I got to the door that she left open, watching her walk down the hall with purpose.
"Yeah, you better take a fucking seat, Delphine, cause you'll be waiting for a very long time!" I said loudly, knowing that she heard me even if her steps didn't falter.
Finally I was angry. Truly and absolutely wrathful. In mere minutes, Delphine was able to take my thoughts hostage, my mind kept replying our latest conversation - if one could call it that. I hated her then more than I'd hated anyone before or since. And yet, I knew it wouldn't last; no one can hate that much for too long. But that day it was all I could see, and I was blinded, unable to think rationally.
And that was it; the only explanation I could find as I was packing my pitiful belongings, for acting so brainless; well, that and the rain. Did I really think I wouldn't get caught? I had barely lit up, only on my second toke when Sister Martha's head poked between the benches looking furiously at me. She escorted me to my bedroom, after a small stop at the administration's office for one last talk. I was over 18, and they were a private institution with high moral standards. I was no longer their responsibility, not after breaking so many of their rules, not when my grades didn't justify their continuing trust in me.
They made sure I was definitely out, escorting me to the heavy, forged iron gate. I watched as it closed, looking back one last time at the massive building, not sad, but there was a fear in me. My life never looked good, but this… this was a whole new level of depressing.
I took a deep breath and went to reach for my bag, laid carelessly at my feet and turned my back on the gate.
"What are you going to do now, chicken?"