Chapter 11
Reflections Of
"Harri…ohhhhh," said Abby. The discomfort of the document feeder tray pressing into her breast didn't register. Harrison's two fingers between her legs and the steel like hardness of him stroking into her from the back took precedence. She was close to climaxing when she heard the mechanical whirring and the hum of the copy machine waking from sleep mode.
Harrison slowed his movements. The sound snapped him out of his mindless lust, the fear of getting caught more likely now than it seemed when Abby had enticed him earlier. "What the fuck? Is that the printer? Who's here to send something to the printer?" Harrison asked, pulling back.
Abby's hips bucked her hips and reached back to hold him there. "Don't stop. I think I hit a button or something," she said. It was a lie. She would say anything to keep him going. But she was already feeling his steely penis turn flaccid and ease out of her.
"No Abby, I'm not getting caught like this again," he said, stepping back. He pulled his pants up.
Abby followed suit and redressed herself. Now the sharp pain below her breastbone finally reached her brain. "Well, you shouldn't be trying to fuck me up against the copy machine at work, Harrison." She would say anything to get him to finish her.
Harrison closed the distance between them leaving one a few inches. "You dropped your panties, bent over the machine, and told me to, Abby!"
"Too bad you are so afraid of Olivia that you couldn't finish it," she challenged.
Harrison walked to the supply closet and opened the door. He extended his arm across himself and let it direct her inside. She smiled triumphantly and sauntered into the closet. Her desire for sex with Harrison was getting out of control because she wouldn't acknowledge that she didn't want to stop nor the implications of that desire.
"Working late Deena?" Harrison said as he and Abby passed one of the employees from Accounting as they narrowly escaped the copy room. "If you sent something to the copier, you'll probably have to resend it. I think there was a glitch with the machine."
"Nooooo…really? It's going to take another 30 minutes to set it up to send to the printer again?" Deena said, raising her fists in frustration and turning on her heel to return to her office.
Abby and Harrison shared a knowing grin. They continued down the hall and slipped into her office.
"I didn't know anyone was still here. It's a Friday night. It's not like we are saving lives or anything," said Harrison.
"I'm pretty sure Liv is making them redo something. Everything is a priority with her. I should have checked the logs at the front," she said.
Harrison raised one eyebrow. "Checked the logs before you decided to proposition me?" he said.
She rolled her eyes at him. "Regardless of who propositioned whom, we shouldn't be fucking at work or at all for that matter. This has to be the last time. We were so close to getting caught—"
"You run hot and cold, Abby. When we got caught the first time, you froze me out, wouldn't talk to me. Then less than a week later you are hot for me practically begging me to fu—"
"Shut up, Harrison! Stop acting like you don't have a choice. You willingly jump back into bed with me every time," she said, angry and very much aroused at the same time. If he advanced on her again she wouldn't deny herself. Her attraction to him and how she chose to deal with it was a problem she didn't know how to solve. She turned away from him and stared out at the city's skyline, the lights blotting out the inky blackness of night.
They sat in silence for some time. Abby's breath caught in her throat when he came around and leaned against the credenza. When she finally met his gaze, he spoke. "These are the facts. We love fucking. Olivia caught us once before and she will fire our asses if she catches us again—" Harrison said, trying to continue before she interrupted.
Abby interjected. "And you are married…"
"I was getting there. And I am married. I have no plans to leave my wife. Neither of us wants to get fired. So…the fucking has to stop. But this is the important thing...when said fucking stops, you can't be mad at me as if it's my damn fault. I get mad and then…well we end up—" he said.
"Fucking…yeah I know. Sometimes I wish I was like Liv. Nothing comes before Euphoria. Nothing…no one gets in the way," Abby said wistfully.
"You don't want to be like that. It's not normal. We really don't know anything about her personal life. Family? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? I know more about the cashier guy at the corner market on 8th than I do about Olivia," Harrison said.
"That's because she's just extremely private. She has family. I'm pretty sure she is straight. But last month at the fundraiser, the one where Governor Grant gave the keynote…He seemed pretty chummy with her. He hugged her from behind and kissed her on the neck. She smiled and then he moved away. It happened so fast. Maybe I imagined it," she said.
"The governor of New York? Grant? That makes me wonder how she convinced him to let us open Spa Bliss? She never told us. Maybe they are lovers and are keeping it on the down low," he said.
Abby gave him a skeptical look. "That is not likely. He's a politician up for reelection. And Liv is…just Liv. I mean aside from having Euphoria, I can't imagine her… in anything but a business relationship."
"That's how she wants it, Abby. You just said so. She's private. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to mix her personal and professional life. That is why I think you imagined it. Maybe he bumped into her on accident," Harrison said.
"We'll never know, but it doesn't matter. I gave up trying to figure Olivia out years ago. She's an enigma," Abby said.
Harrison walked over to the door. "We should get going," he said.
"You should go, Harrison. There's no one at home waiting for me. I have a couple of things to do before I leave. But I do hear you loud and clear. No more arguing. No more fucking," she said, extending her hand for a shake.
He took her hand and pumped it once. "No more arguing. No more fucking," he repeated.
They pulled back simultaneously, hands falling back to their sides.
When he left, Abby glared at her computer screen hoping she could keep her vow.
"Fitz, read my lips," Olivia said, clasping her hands together and tilting her head to emphasize her words, "No. It is not good idea for me to have dinner with Karen and Gerry."
She refused to give in to his invitation, despite his wounded expression. But it wasn't as if she hadn't been warned. Dr. Chase had said, '"What if he wants more?"
Their relationship could only go so far. It had advanced far beyond what she could have imagined. They dined together most nights. She attended as many of his campaign events as she could. He'd even made an appearance at her office one afternoon bearing lunch. He had dressed in sunglasses and a baseball cap, masquerading as a take-out delivery man. He still hadn't revealed how he pulled that off.
On the whole, he abided by her rules. She only dined at the governor's mansion when Karen and Gerry were away. They never arrived or left a function together. She had imposed no rules about sex, but ironically, almost two months had passed and they had not consummated their relationship. The absence of sex infused an intense intimacy to their time together, an interesting paradox. Every look, every touch was electric. They'd come close a couple of times but he was always the one to stop. She wasn't sure why he stopped. Her feelings were mixed. Dr. Chase encouraged her to ask him, but she couldn't bring herself to ask. He, on the other hand, seemed to take pleasure in grilling her about everything.
Fitz watched her while he chewed his steak. Olivia finally looked away, speared a pre-cut piece of steak, and popped it into her mouth.
"Please enlighten me as to why, Olivia," he said, a sarcastic edge to his voice.
That hint of sarcasm irritated her along with this entire conversation. He wouldn't let it go. Since they sat down for dinner he started in on her about this.
She washed her steak down with a gulp of wine. She never gulped anything, but he was making her nervous. A piece of gum would be helpful now, but he didn't know about her gum needs.
"Fitz, I know your children are wonderful. I've met them once remember. Having dinner with them…I don't think…I'm not good with kids and—" she tried to explain, knowing her excuses were weak.
"Karen and Gerry are teenagers, not little kids. I don't understand your, 'I'm not good with kids.' I'm not asking you to babysit. That time at the condo wasn't a real meeting. They are my family. You are the woman I'm seeing. Help me understand why it wouldn't be a good idea," he said.
"What we have is good, Fitz. We shouldn't complicate it by—" she argued, unable to finish when he barged ahead.
"It's like our relationship don't exist outside of this house. I want to keep my private life private, yes, but not totally separate from my public life. I couldn't if I wanted to unless I was deceiving myself or trying to deceive others," he said.
Olivia was becoming increasingly frustrated and uncomfortable. In addition to his continued interruptions, she didn't have any good reasons aside from admitting she was afraid. Fear was an emotion she had avoided since high school.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore. You can finish eating and see yourself out. I need a shower," she said, giving him a cursory glance and leaving the room. For a moment she thought he was going to try to stop her until she heard the clink of his fork against his plate.
When Olivia reached her bedroom, she hesitated for a moment, realizing she had cut their visit short when the anticipation of seeing him consumed her day. Was there anything she could do to salvage the night? When nothing came to mind, she stripped out of her clothes, intentionally skipping her beloved routine of placing her dirty garments in their proper color coded bins, light, dark, or dry cleaning. Instead she left them in a heap on the bathroom floor.
Gum. She needed some. There was a stash in the drawer of her vanity.
She argued with herself under the hot spray. What's so bad about one harmless dinner? She could give him that one thing. He'd been so good about not pushing her when she wouldn't answer any questions related to her past or her family.
"I'll have dinner with his children," she said aloud. Her mind ticked off all the particulars she'd need to make it a good meeting. By the time she was drying off, she felt better. There was a plan and she was considering calling him. Maybe he would come back and they could have the sea salt caramel gelato she had planned for dessert. She picked up her clothes and sorted them appropriately.
Grabbing her phone, she called him, confident in her plan to resolve this snag.
"Hello?…" he said.
Olivia ignored the question in his voice. He must think her slightly unstable for calling so soon after making him leave.
"I apologize for walking out like that. You can come back if you'd like. I bought gelato," she said, enthusiastically. The three successive pops of her gum reminded her she hadn't discarded it. She pulled it from her mouth and tossed it in her small trash can.
"I didn't leave, Olivia. I'm still here cleaning up the kitchen," he said, "Are you chewing gum?"
A jolt of sensation passed through her body. Looking down, she remembered she was naked. She glanced at the door knowing that it and a couple of yards were the only things separating him from her naked body. She placed the phone on the bed and tied the towel around her body. She locked the bedroom door to prevent her feet from carrying her across the threshold where she would offer herself to him spread eagle on the dining room table. The visual of what her mind was daring her to do sent another jolt through her.
"Oh, ok," she said, after grabbing the phone again, "Give me 10 minutes."
She threw on jeans and a t-shirt and pulled her hair back in a ponytail.
When she returned to the kitchen, she saw that he had nearly finished putting away the food and loading the dishwasher. Containers of food were on the counter beside the refrigerator. Two pans were resting on the island. He was squatting in front of the open kitchen island cabinet surveying the contents. Instantly, she knew he was trying to find where she kept those two pans. She chuckled at the picture he made.
"Call a cabinet meeting. I've stumped the governor," she teased.
Olivia retrieved the two pans and walked across the kitchen to cabinet next to the spice rack. She placed the pans in the lower cabinet.
"I never would have looked there. Why wouldn't you put those with the other pans here under the kitchen island?" he asked.
She smiled at his question. "I don't use those pans very often. I keep the tools I use the most in this cabinet for ease of use," she explained as she put the leftovers away in the refrigerator.
"Far be it from me to upset your highly sophisticated kitchen organizational system. I've been in this kitchen so many times and I still haven't figured it out. Do you change it when I'm not here?" he asked, sauntering over to her and pulling her into his arms.
He wasn't upset with her. She could see that in his expression. His tone wasn't strained or challenging like before. "I'm glad you stayed," she said, savoring the comfort of his strong arms and inhaling his scent. She pulled back but kept her arms wrapped loosely around him.
"I…I will have dinner with Karen and Gerry," she said, "I was being unreasonable earlier."
He narrowed his eyes and stared at her with a chess player's concentration. This was not the reaction she expected. Instead of being happy that he was getting what he wanted, he was trying to interpret her. He did this a lot. She didn't like it.
"Aren't you going to say something, Fitz? I am agreeing to officially meet them. I am giving you what you want. So doesn't that make you happy?" she asked.
The seconds ticked by, literally, on the kitchen wall clock. Tick. Tick. Tick. It grew louder like a crescendo.
"Fitz..." she said, a nervous laugh escaping.
"No, that does not make me happy," he said, reaching up and rubbing his fingers against her neck where beads of water from her shower still rested. "Don't do this to make me happy, Olivia. I don't know what came over me. Please accept my apology for pushing you to something you don't want to do. Sometimes I forget and overstep the boundaries. I should go. Walk me out."
Before she could respond, he walked into her living room in search of his phone.
A deep frown creased her brow and she followed behind him. "Wait. You can't just leave like that. How can you get mad now after I told you I would have dinner with them? What else do you want from me?" she pleaded.
Fitz wouldn't look up from his phone. She knew he was checking his missed texts and e-mails which made her angry. She grabbed his phone and tossed it on the sofa.
He followed its path to the sofa like he was watching a one-sided tennis match. He looked at her. "Do you really want to know the answer to that question?
"Yes!" she demanded.
"Why are you so angry?" he said, calmly, taking a seat next to the sofa.
"Because you are frustrating the living hell out of me, Fitz!" she said, raising her hands, fingers splayed out in front of her, "You say you want me to get to know your kids. I say no at first. You get mad. Now, I am saying yes. But you are mad and leaving!"
It was as if Olivia was observing their exchange like a fly on the wall instead of fully participating in it. She didn't understand why she was so outwardly angry. It wasn't making sense. His desire to leave should be okay. Her desperation at the thought of him leaving was totally out of character for her. She wanted to reign herself in but she had gone too far out on this mental ledge to walk back.
"Sweetheart, I'm sitting here in this chair. I am not mad. I am not leaving. Why don't you have a seat on the sofa and we can talk," he said, gently.
Olivia felt an overwhelming since of déjà vu. She had been here before, lashing out. Looking like an angry, irrational idiot. She thought of her parents and Dr. Chase. They were the ones who were usually on the receiving end of her tirades, but this hadn't happened in years.
She took a seat, suddenly embarrassed. Her eyes fell to her open palm resting beside her thigh on the sofa. Using her thumb nail, she began pushing back the cuticles on each of her nails. She wouldn't look at him.
"I'm not mad at you. If you don't want to have dinner with Karen and Gerry that is fine. You've been clear that you want to keep our relationship private. I know you have been going to my campaign events even though you don't want to...all for me. You've compromised for me. So meeting Karen and Gerry…is an even bigger compromise. Despite what I've asked, you don't have to do it. I just want you to tell me why. If you could help me understand why you are so closed to opening up to people outside of business, that would help…I want the same thing from you I said that night months before. I want to know you…really know you. So when you changed your mind so quickly, I didn't trust it. I would rather you say no, if that is what you want. Just tell me the truth about why," he explained.
Olivia stopped fiddling with her fingers and stared at him. "I don't believe you, Fitz. I make a very fine living selling tools that help people find whatever brand of sexual pleasure they want. I would argue that helps people get to know themselves and each other. But since we've been together, you have not tried to have sex with me once. Every time we get close, you stop. Why is that?"
He gave her a confused look and rose to his feet. Sitting beside her on the sofa, he planted his hands on her shoulders. "You completely confound me, Olivia. I'm not sure if you are trying to dodge a real conversation here or if you really want to know the answer to that question," he said, his eyes boring into hers as if his gaze could pin her down and uncover what was beneath.
"I don't usually ask rhetorical questions," she said.
Fitz dropped his hands and slid to the other side of the sofa, pressing his back against the sofa's armrest. He crossed his arms. "I apologize for not making it clear that I want to make love to you. When I kiss you, I always wonder what it would be like to kiss you between your legs. I have an idea of how it might be because my fingers have been there. Softer. I think I am..No, I know I am obsessed with that part of you. Tasting that part of you. Burying my nose and tongue as far inside you as it will go so I will never forget how you smell or taste. It boggles my mind because I've never had that reaction to any woman I've been with even when I was a sex-crazed teenage boy," he explained. He shifted in his seat and turned around resting his hands in his head. "I'm rock hard thinking about it now. This happens a lot now at the most inconvenient times." He turned back around and faced her.
Olivia glanced at the bulge between his legs but looked away meeting his face. Her nipples itched and there was a stinging sensation deep inside her that only he could soothe.
"I want that, Fitz," she whispered, moving closer to him. She didn't realize she was rubbing his hardness until he took in a ragged breath and covered her hand with his. She continued rubbing him.
"I'm afraid of how you will react after we have sex, Olivia," he admitted, grabbing her wrist," "Hell, I am afraid of how I will react."
Does he know about me? How could he know? She thought. She began to move away, but he held her still, pulling her onto his lap.
"Our relationship seems so fragile sometimes. I'd rather alternate between blue tinged balls or giving myself a hand job than having you shut me out," he said.
She gave a mirthless chuckle. "So you are saying that I have given you a reason to think that sex with you is going to blow my mind…is going to scare me into some crazed irrational state? What about me screams emotionally unstable?" she asked, trying to keep her voice level steady. Would he forget about how the last couple of minutes? Even as she spoke, she knew she was playing with fire, dancing around the flame, of her past. Fitz had her pegged even if he didn't know all the details. He could tell something was wrong with her sexually. It was time to bury this once and for all. She had to have sex with him. She had to prove to him and herself that she was normal. It helped that her desire for him was like an overfilled balloon, ready to pop.
"Let me up," she said, hopping off his lap.
He complied. She grabbed his hand. "I need to show you something," she said.
She led him into the bedroom and stopped at the foot of her bed. She looked around and eyed her white ottoman. After placing it directly in front of the bed, she directed him to sit.
She began to undress, discarding a garment at a time as she spoke.
"You say…" She pulled her t-shirt over her head and dropped it at her feet.
"you are…" She tossed her bra at his feet.
"obsessed…" she unzipped her jeans and stepped out of them, kicking them to the side.
She stopped her strip tease to see his reaction since her eyes had not met his yet. She couldn't read his expression. His jaw was slack and he wasn't looking at her face. She took that as a good sign.
"with kissing me here…" She shimmied out of her panties, but she hesitated, overtaken by doubt about what he would do. He stood.
Her voice was shaky so she stopped talking and hopped up on the bed. She leaned back on the bed raised her legs, bending them at the knees. All she heard was her own breathing. She was shivering but she not from a chill. It was part arousal. Part nervousness. She closed her eyes, not wanting to see him, though she knew he was in the room. Her hand moved to her quivering stomach in hopes of calming her nerves. She covered her eyes with her forearm, ensuring she couldn't see. This also heightened the anticipation of when he would or would not touch her.
Olivia jumped when she felt a warm hand on her knee. She didn't open her eyes only squeezed her eyes tighter.
"Look at me," he said.
Olivia moved her arm and opened her eyes. He was standing above her with a serious, probing expression that was looking for a reason to stop.
"Is this the look of obsession?…" she said, her bold words betrayed by her shaky voice.
He gave her a lazy smile and knelt between her legs. She breathed in and braced herself for whatever was to come. What she felt was a light warmth like breath at her opening. The next thing she felt were his lips against her. His fingers pulled her back and his tongue dipped inside. She squeezed her toes together gripping the bed. It felt like a tickle. She smiled to herself. His tongue traced the insides of her folds and she shivered, wondering if that was an orgasm. It was a nice sensation, but nothing like all the writhing and moaning she had observed from women in this position on television or in videos. As soon as those women were touched between their legs, they would begin breathing hard and sighing in release. Olivia found those to be too staged. Pure acting.
Now that she was that woman in real life, legs open with a man's head bobbing back and forth, she wasn't so sure it was that easy. Olivia wanted him to continue, but so far she wasn't that impressed. Strangely, the control she felt made her comfortable and relaxed. She let her legs go limp, forcing him to hold them for her. He pushed his face into her and she felt the bridge of his nose sink into her. She gasped and he pushed deeper. Soon she couldn't delineate what he was doing or what he was using to do it. It all felt nice, but she was still waiting for the orgasm. Wasn't he supposed to touch her clitoris for that? He had only licked her there once. His tongue traveled up and down the length of her until he pulled back and began lightly sucking and licking the swollen nub of flesh. She moved her hips against his tongue. The sensation felt very good. Her hips pumped against his face. The sounds she made her very unfamiliar, but she couldn't stop. Two of his fingers replaced his mouth and it only took two strokes before she lost control and let the undeniable orgasm rip through her.
When she caught her breath, she realized her was there beside her. He leaned over to kiss her and that strange mixture on his mouth was her scent. He pulled back and she smiled at her. "How are you?" he said.
"I'm good. How are you?" she said.
"I'm pretty messed up right now. I need to take a personal moment in the bathroom," he admitted.
She frowned trying to figure out what he meant. He was still fully clothed. Her eyes fell to the his crotch, a reminder that they had more to do. Olivia rolled over and pulled a condom from her bedside table. Before he could protest, she hastily unzipped his jeans and unbuckled his belt in that order.
"We don't have to do this tonight, Olivia," he said. She was encouraged that he didn't stop her as she hopped off the bed and removed his pants.
"Take off your own shirt," she said, reaching for the condom packet.
She rolled the condom down the length of all his majesty. The sheer size of him alarmed her. Technically, she wasn't a virgin, but she hadn't had consensual sex during her adult life. Could she pretend otherwise? That was what she was going to find out.
She stretched out beside him. He moved on top and settled between her legs. He bent over to kiss her while grinding his hips into hers. Olivia reached between them and positioned him against her opening. He moved over each breast and sucked hard while his hand slid lower, over her abdomen and into her mound massaging her. She wrapped her legs around his waist and braced for him.
He pushed and prodded himself inside, slowly allowing her to adjust around him. She winced and he immediately pulled out. "No," she said.
"But I'm hurting you," he said.
"It feels good," she said. That was a lie. It hurt. She didn't know if she was abnormally small or if he was freakishly large. She didn't dare ask him.
"Try again, please," she said. "Don't wait just go all the way."
He held her hips still and pushed into her as far as he could go. They both hollered out. For Olivia the pressure took her breath away, but it was better with each stroke, slow at first and then quick and steady. His face crumpled like he was in deep agony before he collapsed on top of her. After he caught his breath, he rolled off her. His penis wasn't as hard as before but it wasn't back to its unaroused state.
"Did you…finish?" she asked.
"Oh yes. Sometimes, it takes a couple of minutes to go back to normal. I'll be right back," he said.
When he left, she heard the sound of him urinating. There was something wet between her legs. She felt there and saw some blood on her fingers. Before she could get up to tend to herself. He appeared in the door naked, his penis returned to its resting state but no less magnificent.
"There is blood on the condom, Olivia. Please tell me this wasn't your first time," he said, "Though that would explain some things."
She slipped off the bed. Even though the blood was minimal, it stood out against the blistering white comforter.
She frowned at him. "Why can't the blood signify the start of my menstrual cycle?" she said, passing him and closing the door to the toilet behind her.
"Well, I think I would have noticed that considering I had better than a bird's-eye view before," he said through the door.
"I can assure you I am not a 30 year-old virgin, okay," she said, cleaning between her legs. When she opened the door, he was standing there waiting for her, arms crossed.
She put on her shower cap. "I'm about to take a shower. Do you want to join me?" she offered.
"How about a bath? I'll get it started. You are probably itching to change that soiled comforter," he offered.
"Okay," she said, feeling quite good. She'd had sex and the world was still on its axis.
A little later they sat in the claw footed tub facing each other, her foot was braced against his chest. She was beginning to doze off. He tapped her foot. "So how old were you when you had sex for the first time?" he asked.
She was fully awake now. Here she was once again, dancing too close to the flame. "I don't kiss and tell," she said, infusing playfulness in her voice.
"We need to decide on a date for me to have a sit down with Karen and Gerry. I'd rather do breakfast, and I am not opposed to meeting in public," she said, hoping he wouldn't ask her anything about her past sexual experience. She moved into his arms settling her back to his chest.
He hugged her tightly. "I'll talk to them tomorrow," he said.
"The applications have been processed and sent for verification. All we need to do now is notify the claimants and publish it in the newspapers. I do think we should use one of these cases to highlight the need to reform of our criminal justice system. And I have just the case we can use, sir." said Cyrus.
"Let me guess, Ronald Levine," said Fitz. He stretched his arms and linked his hands behind his head.
"Yes, the question is how can a swim coach go to prison and Rikers of all places for 15 years for only two counts of tax evasion? Each time he comes up for parole, it is denied like clockwork. The more I dig into this, sir, the worse it gets," Cyrus said.
"When will he be out?" Fitz asked.
"In about a month, just in time for election day. But we will have a plan before then. In the meantime, we need to discuss Olivia Pope, sir. Since you've made it crystal clear that you are dating, we have to be ready. It will be only a matter of time before someone, notices her at your events," Cyrus said, grimly.
"Fitz sat up straight. What if we leak it, Cyrus. In that way, we can control the narrative. We are having breakfast Saturday morning with Karen and Gerry. Call our contact at the Post and—"
"Sir, I was referring to developing a contingency plan if someone found out about you two. I don't think it is a good idea to bring it out until after you win the election," he said.
"What would the aim of such a plan be, Cyrus? To cover it up? Explain it away? There is no need for that. You need to know that Olivia is not going anywhere. You need to make peace with that and do your job," Fitz said.
"Yes, sir," he said, grimly. He left the room.
Fitz's cell phone rang. It was Karen. "Daddy, don't be mad, but I sort of told Nana we were going to meet your girlfriend on Saturday," she said.
"How could you sort of tell Nana that, Karen?" he asked, though he knew his mother was an expert at getting the information she wanted by asking the right questions at the right time. No doubt she would be able to uncover all Olivia's secrets if she had enough time, but Fitz would never subject her to his mother's scrutiny, at least not yet.
"Well, Dad she is always asking how you are doing? It's like she can read my mind or something," Karen said.
"It's okay. I'll talk to Nana. I'm having an early dinner with Olivia tonight. So I'll be home before you get back from Nana's," he said.
"Okay, daddy. See you later," she said.
A day had passed since they'd made love. He had replayed the whole episode in his mind several times, trying to understand how their argument had resulted in lovemaking. His head was still spinning at the leaps they had made in the course of one evening. It had been quite a roller coaster. He didn't regret it, but he knew she wasn't fully present and a full participant from start to finish. It had not been in his plan to make love to her that night because he knew she wasn't ready. There was so much more to know about Olivia. It would take time, but she was worth the effort.
"I thought you would be pleased with me, Dr. Chase," Olivia said, her brow furrowed, "I had sex with my boyfriend and everything is okay. It was not a trigger for me. It did hurt some physically, but that is to be expected the first time, right? The most important thing is that Ronald Levine nor what he did to me had an impact on me at all."
"Are you sure about that, Olivia," Dr. Chase said, flipping back through his pad, "You say that Fitzgerald asked you about your first sexual partner, has asked you several times about your past in general, and feels there is some issue with you have surrounding sex. Why haven't you told him?"
"Why would I share that with anyone especially if I am over it? Now that we've successfully had sex, he won't keep questioning me about sex and my past, Dr. Chase. It is a non-issue now," she said.
Dr. Chase scribbled on his pad. "Is that why you had sex with him? To seem normal? Or to keep him at arm's length?"
"I am sexually attracted to him, but you are right, I don't want him to know about that. He will see me differently…" Olivia felt her new found liberation dwindling.
"Our time is about up, Olivia. I think we need to explore the extent to which you feel shame about what happened. We haven't talked about shame in years. I am happy that you are feeling good about being intimate with Fitzgerald. I just want you to explore your motivations for that intimacy and the energy you give out as a result. You will find that in relationships, your mate is just a mirror. He will reflect what you show him," he explained.
On the drive home, Olivia chewed on her chewing gum trying to decipher Dr. Chase's riddle. Then she pushed it out of her mind. She refused to allow anything to cast a shadow on her new found liberation.