Chapter 15

Abnormal Psychology

Ronald did not like skulking in the shadows, but the circumstances required it. Hiding was easy on the busy street teeming with people aware of nothing but their screens. The obsession people had with the little phones glued to their palms made no sense to him. This was something that happened while he was in prison.

He saw her before he could think the next thought. She exited the black sedan with a smile and a nod to the driver before looking down at her own little screen. A grin spread over his lips at the prospect of talking to her. Ronald knew seeing him might cause her an initial shock and he had no idea how he would handle a negative response. He pulled his cap lower and crossed the street.

Ronald felt something abnormal when he was in the middle of the intersection. There was pressure and then a burning sensation in his right side. That was all he remembered.

"We are here to discuss Abiba's objections to Abby's product ideas for expectant moms," Olivia announced.

She sat at the head of the conference table trying to mediate the conflict between them. Abby came prepared with a binder that included mock ups and descriptions of the products. It was an impressive accomplishment in such a short amount of time. Abiba sat facing Abby with a serious expression, ready to defend her arguments.

Abiba motioned for the binder. "May I?" she asked in deference to Abby.

"By all means…" Abby said, raising her hands to realize the binder.

"It doesn't make sense to reinvent the wheel," said Abiba, as she flipped through the binder, "It borders on being a gimmick to create an entire line of toys for pregnant women. During pregnancy, a woman's anatomy does not fundamentally change to warrant new toys. I recommend we publish a booklet of guidelines with sexual positions, safety tips... It can include ways women can modify their use of our existing products as their bodies grow and change. This is my first pregnancy so I do not have many personal anecdotes, but I have noticed that my clitoris is larger now. It is easier for me to achieve multiple orgasms when I masturbate. I also get them quicker. I begin with my vibrator on a lower setting. Now that I think of it, that makes sense. I've had a few pregnant clients at my previous job, and they expressed an increased libido and sensitivity. With all that said, I'm not against marketing to pregnant women, but I don't agree with Abby's idea of creating new toys."

Olivia thought about her time with Fitz, his tongue and fingers moving between her legs. It had felt good, but she wasn't sure if what she felt was an orgasm even though it was unlike anything she had ever felt. Despite all the porn she had seen and the countless conversations at work about the interworkings of sex, she had no authentic personal sense of what was supposed to happened when the orgasm occurred. She did not trust the reactions she saw on screen.

"It was my idea, Abiba," Olivia corrected. "Abby was simply following my orders. You make a good point, but why do our competitors have these products?"

Abiba shrugged. "It's just as I said before, a gimmick they hope will pay off."

"Abby, would you leave Abiba and I to speak privately? You and I can debrief later about next steps in light of what Abiba has shared with—"

"But shouldn't I be part of—" Abby began, with a deep frown.

"This is of a personal nature, Abby." Olivia said.

Abby looked between the two of them, nodded her head, and then left the room.

"So…how are you doing, Abiba?" Olivia turned, giving Abiba her full attention.

Abiba clasped her hands together, the clinking bangles interrupting the quiet in the room. Her expression was more curious than perturbed as she had been in their last meeting. She was also dressed in the familiar bohemian garb, a long flowing skirt with tank top and a series of scarves. Olivia took this as a sign that she wasn't still reeling from her new status.

In contrast, Olivia wore a pencil skirt, silk blouse, and tailored jacket.

"If you are asking how I'm grappling with my pregnancy and…David," she responded looking askance as if searching for the words, "I'm…learning…learning that I need to practice more of what I preach. I think back to our interview and how in control I felt. I was that way because I was being deceptive to get this job…pretending to be asexual…"

Olivia gave an acknowledging nod, remembering how she had tried to trick Fitz with the same deception. "That was interesting at the time," Olivia said.

Abiba leaned back in her chair and sighed. "Having David in my life again is complicated, but in the long run I know it's better for him to know about the baby. I do love him, but it is not easy being with him. It's mostly cultural differences…his family. They would rather see him with a Japanese woman…or really any woman who isn't black. We tried it for two years...to be in a relationship, but I couldn't do it anymore. I went through a stage of trying to mold myself into someone his family might accept. Then I just got tired. I broke it off months ago. But…we never quite broke it off because we kept having sex. It's really good with him. I never thought vaginal orgasms during sex were possible until I met him. I've had both with him vaginal and clitoral…sometimes at the same time or back-to-back."

In this business, Olivia had found that people rarely discussed sex freely. Usually their words were shrouded in euphemisms. They lowered their voices or seemed visibly nervous or excited. Not Abiba. She spoke about it directly, which Olivia found refreshing also long as she was the spectator or evaluator in the conversation and not a participant.

"I'm glad you and David are working out your differences," Olivia said.

"I wouldn't say that yet, but we are trying." Abiba stood and began to stroll around the table. "Olivia, this…conversation is…a little strange. I've spent most of my time here modulating between excitement and confusion and anger…now I'm at acceptance."

Abiba walked back to her chair and sat down to face Olivia as if she were apprehensive about what she was going to say. "Euphoria is an interesting place to work. I heard the rumors before I started working here and I now know most were just that, rumors. Some have said it is a cult…since no one seems to leave. It's very rare. Folks around here are loyal, but the biggest mystery is you. I want to ask questions, but—"

That elicited a frown from Olivia. "A cult?" Olivia said in defense, "I've heard the rumors too... some more creative than others…that we run a brothel, have ties to organized crime…the most outlandish—that I make staff have sex with me—they are all absurd. Many of my policies are standard. The confidentiality agreements staff are required to sign protect the company, not any mysterious practices. People build up these myths about me just because I choose not to share every detail of my life—"

"Actually, you don't share any details…" Abiba interjected.

Olivia continued, not phased, "It might also be because I am an African American woman. We are fraught with sexual baggage put on by society. Most people would be surprised to know that aside from my business success, I'm unremarkable."

"I'm sure your significant other would disagree," Abiba said.

Olivia's expression was blank, unreadable. Ignoring the comment, she pushed back from the table and stood. "I appreciate your honesty and candor about how you are doing, Abiba, and I thank you for your help with the products. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you," she said with a tight smile.

"I appreciate that," said Abiba.

It wasn't often that Fitz visited Cyrus' office. A week had passed since he agreed to give Cyrus full reign over the Ronald Levine problem. There had been no discussion about it since. It was beginning to nag him, the not knowing. He needed to change that today.

Fitz breezed into Cyrus's office without knocking. "I need to talk with you now, Cyrus," he said.

Cyrus was holding court with several of his staff. They all stood when Fitz entered the room, looking from Cyrus to Fitz, their interest piqued and waiting for direction.

"Certainly, Governor Grant," Cyrus said, walking around his desk to usher everyone out, "We'll resume this meeting later."

After everyone shuttled out, Cyrus shut the door. "How can I help you, sir," he said.

"Is it done?" Fitz asked.

Cyrus grabbed a yellow legal pad from the desk, scribbled on it, and said, "You mean finalizing the state dinner date and guest list? Yes, sir. We are all set." Cyrus ripped the page from the pad and gave it to Fitz. The words, "taken care of" were scribbled across the center.

Fitz read the words several times before looking back at Cyrus quizzically.

"Is there anything else you need, sir?" Cyrus said.

Fitz lingered a while longer before leaving the room. Did he have to be that cryptic? Does he really think we are being surveilled? Fitz thought as he went back to his office.

"Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today?" Dr. Chase asked Olivia.

After a slight nod, Olivia crossed her arms and slid to the edge of the sofa. As she ruminated on her thoughts, she changed position again and pushed back against the sofa. "Do you have any…?" she asked.

"Oh, yes…just bought some new flavors. I think you'll like this one," he said. Dr. Chase reached in his desk drawer for the gum.

Olivia reached for the pack of Trident gum. Once she popped a piece in her mouth, she exhaled.

"Fitz wants us to schedule a session together," she said.

"How do you feel about that?" Dr. Chase probed.

"I don't have strong feelings about it either way. He believes that talking to you will help him understand me…that he will learn how to help me heal from what happened so we can be in a real relationship," she said.

"Why did you use air quotes for heal?"

Olivia was beginning to feel more comfortable. She spit the gum in a wrapper and tossed it in the trash. "If healing means I have to experience some big reconciliation with my mother, rehash the details of what happened in hopes that the smell of chlorine won't make me nauseous, or try to undo who I am, I don't want to heal…I like knowing Fitz…I like him, but it is hard because I never know what to expect with him or what to expect from myself when I'm with him. I can never predict or plan for anything…"

"Could you give me an example of the difficulty?" Dr. Chase asked while making notes on his writing pad.

She rolled her eyes a little at his note taking. When he made a note about something, she knew from experience he only noted significant things, and he would press her on them in the future.

"Fitz is…he's a distraction. I think about him a lot when we are not together. When I know we are going to see each other, I am anxious and excited…nervous about seeing him. Then when we see each other, it takes a while before I calm down or feel settled…"

"This sounds like physical attraction. It's a normal response," he exclaimed.

"But it should have gone away after we were together the first time…and speaking of that, I don't think he enjoyed it. I did, but not enough to want to do it again. I know Fitz thinks that if we meet with you together, it will fix everything, but it won't because this is who I am. Yes, my past and the choices I've made define who I am now. A big part of that past was…unfortunate but I don't need to heal it. It's over," Olivia said. She popped another piece of gum.

"Are you and Fitzgerald in a real relationship?" he asked.

"Yes, but I can't predict what's going to happen. I wonder if we have anything besides this nebulous physical attraction," she said.

Dr. Chase jotted notes on the pad before saying, "What would it mean for you if it is only a physical attraction?" he said.

She discarded another piece of gum before popping a fresh piece in her mouth. "I don't know," she admitted.

He wrote more notes.

"Do you want to talk about Ronald Levine's release?" he said.

"No."

"I'd like to recommend that you talk to Fitz about your feelings…how being around him makes you feel…Maybe talking about it will lessen the anxiety," he advised.

"He knows I'm attracted to him. I don't see why we should talk about it," she argued.

"Yes, maybe it would be helpful for him to know how you experience him. How do you think he experiences you?"

Her eyebrows knit together. "What do you mean?"

"Do you consume his thoughts? Does he feel anxious around you? Do you distract him?" Dr. Chase asked.

"Obviously, he is attracted to me. The difference is that he had a normal childhood as far as I know. He knows how to handle it. I've never experienced this aside from the crush I had on Travis Jackson in 6th grade," Olivia said with a grin.

"Travis Jackson? You've never mentioned him before," Dr. Chase said with a look of surprise. There was more scribbling.

"I haven't thought about him in years. He sent me a candy gram for Valentine's Day. We sat together at the pep rally," she said with a rare gleefulness in her voice.

"What happened to him?"

"He moved."

"Olivia do you realize what you have said?" Dr. Chase asked, looking down at his notes, " 'The difference is that he had a normal childhood…He knows how to handle it' By saying that you acknowledge that you don't know how to handle certain aspects of your relationship with Fitz. Maybe Fitz is having the same difficulty, and so, he wants to come here with you for that reason only…not to fix or change you. I can't speak for Fitzgerald, only he can. That's why I think it is a good idea to talk to him."

She acknowledged his suggestion with nod, though she did not intend to act on it.

Olivia leaned into the mirror and applied mascara to both eyes. She was refreshing her makeup instead of washing it off after a long day. Tonight she was having dinner with Fitz and his parents. Karen and Gerry were away on an overnight school field trip. She was accustomed to them, but his parents were going to be a new experience. After leaving Dr. Chase's office, Ben had dropped her off at the Governor's Mansion, but Fitz was not there. He had phoned her earlier as she was exiting the car.

"Sweetie, I'm delayed. This budget is getting the best of me. I'll be there in an hour," he said.

"When are your parents getting here?" she said.

"Are you inside?" he said.

"Ben is dropping me off now, Fitz." There was an undeniable edge to her voice.

"I'm sure my parents are already there. I'll be home in an hour. Tell them—"

"Fitz, no! I am not meeting your parents for the first time without you here! I'll go home and come back when you return," she argued.

"But Sweetheart I already told them I would be late and that you would be there—"

"You what? Why would you do that? I can't. I won't—" she said.

"Sweetie, you can talk to anyone. Besides my parents are harmless. You'll be doing me a big favor. I have to go. See you soon," he said before hanging up.

The searing anger that consumed her earlier had cooled, but the fear underneath remained. How could Fitz expect her to entertain his parents? she thought as she freshened her lipstick. It would have been easy to leave with Ben, but obligation kept her there. She reasoned she had to stay because she owed it to him.

With a flick of her wrist, she saw the time. She could do this. She could play this role.

Talking to Fitz's parents was not as difficult as Olivia thought. During their burgeoning relationship, conversations about family had been few between them. She did not know anything about his parents aside from their names: Franklin and Joyce Grant.

Now they sat in the parlor on the ornately patterned sofa across from Olivia who sat in a matching arm chair. She was adept at controlling a conversation to get what she wanted. In this case, she wanted to deflect attention away from anything personal. They were both university professors so she peppered them with questions about their work.

"Franklin, please do not bore Olivia with your book. You've already talked non-stop about the last two you wrote," Joyce said, touching her husband on the arm, "It's too late in the evening to be talking constitutional law."

"It's no bore, really," Olivia said, pressing on, "So, Mr. Grant, you argue in this book that the Supreme Court is becoming more of a protector of the government and its abuses of power than a defender of the constitution. When did this trend begin?"

"Well, you see it was—" Franklin began.

"No offense dear," Joyce said touching her husband's arm again, "but this is boring me. Olivia, you have listened with rapt attention to me talk about the article I am working on and Franklin drone on about his books. Thanks for humoring us, but we want to hear about you."

Olivia smiled and took a sip of water. She had hedged for as long as she could. She took a deep breath and said, "There is not a lot to know. I am an only child. My parents are lawyers. My dad practices patent law. My mom practiced family law but she stopped when I was a child. They both live in Virginia. I am in the intimate products industry."

Olivia noticed Joyce's raised eyebrows, which she attributed to a reaction to her last comment.

"You're being modest, Olivia. Fitzgerald said you were the CEO of a major corporation in that industry," Joyce said.

Franklin piped in, "He also said you made the best lasagna he's ever tasted."

Joyce shook her head in disapproval, "Olivia, please forgive my husband. Your cooking skills are obviously irrelevant. Although, I'm sure Franklin wished I was a good cook. Full disclosure, I'm not."

"Nothing I said needed forgiving," Franklin mused, "I didn't marry you for your cooking skills." He squeezed his wife's thigh and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Fitz walked into the parlor during their show of affection.

"Dad…Mom…what are you doing? PDAs in front of my girlfriend?" Fitz said. He chuckled as he walked fully into the room, stopping behind the sofa. Catching Olivia's eye, he gave her a wink.

"Our son, the two-time governor is too busy to meet his old man and mother for dinner," Franklin said, before they hugged.

Fitz hugged his mother also. "Olivia was the perfect host. She listened patiently to both of us. Your father talked about his favorite thing."

"The Constitution?" Fitz guessed.

"I also talked about my latest article," Joyce said, with a look at Olivia, "She's either extremely interested in Constitutional Law and Colonial American History or she's a very good actress."

Fitz winked at Olivia again and said, "She is both. Mom, Dad, go get settled in the dining room. We'll be in soon."

Olivia observed their interaction quietly. Even though talking to Franklin and Joyce alone had not been unpleasant, she was not sure how she felt about Joyce.

Fitz walked over to her as his parents left the room. They stood there regarding each other. She smiled. He smiled.

He reached for her hand, "Thank you."

She touched his cheek with her other hand. "I am glad I could help, but please don't ever do that again."

Olivia and Joyce took a stroll through the grounds after dinner.

"So…you've met Karen and Gerry?" Joyce asked.

Olivia knew this was less a question and more a probe to know more about her relationship with Fitz.

"Yes, I have. They are remarkable children."

"It was difficult at first when their mother died. She had been sick for some time. Her death was not a shock but still very difficult. She was everything to them," Joyce said.

They walked in silence for a while. Joyce stopped walking but continued. "Franklin and I wanted Fitzgerald to be an academic, but after law school he became interested in politics. I blame my brother for that. I know he wants to try to go all the way to the White House and he needs someone who will be as committed to his goals as he is, Olivia. Anyone who wants to be with him should know what it involves. I know my son. He cares for you, but you don't seem to be invested."

"What do you mean, invested?" Olivia said, her eyebrows knitting together.

"You weren't there on election night when he won for one and—"

Olivia searched for the right words to respond. She knew Joyce was simply trying to protect her son, but she could not ignore how defensive she felt when Joyce mentioned her absence on election night. "I do care for Fitz very much. I had a family emergency and could not make it. But Joyce, you have misinterpreted our relationship. What we have is complicated…"

Joyce looked at her watch. "We need to get back", she said, briskly and turned back to the house.

Olivia watched Joyce's retreating figure and increased her pace to catch up with her.

When they reached the glass door, Joyce stopped and turned to Olivia. "I do not intend to be rude, Olivia. What you are saying and what Fitz tells me does not match. If you are not serious about my son, you should tell him before anyone gets hurt."

Olivia needed gum. While Fitz was outside walking his parents to their car, she opened kitchen cabinet drawers in search of gum.

Teenagers lived in the house so there had to be gum or candy somewhere. Just when she was about to give up, she found a pack of Hubba Bubba in a small drawer by the pantry door. This was not her preference, but she quickly dispensed with the wrapper and popped this quasi gum into her mouth.

Olivia wanted to go home and regroup after tonight's events. But that would require a change in their already established plans, which included her spending the night at the Governor's Mansion with Fitz. He would want to know why she wanted to go home, and she did not relish a conversation about it right now.

"What are you eating?" Fitz said with a grin, "You don't look like you are enjoying it."

Startled, Olivia looked up quickly to see him standing in the doorway. She spat out the gum in the nearby trash can. To get rid of the sugar coating her mouth, she filled a glass with water and took a couple of sips.

"I wanted some chewing gum but the Hubba Bubba was too much."

He pushed off the door and moved closer. "I can go out—"

She slid her arm around him and leaned into his side hug. "No, it's fine. I need to respond to e-mails before I go to bed. Do you have any work?"

"You know the answer to that," he said as they walked to his study, "I wasn't planning on doing anything tonight. We have the whole mansion to ourselves tonight so my plans included random kissing and hand holding." He gave her a peck on the lips.

"Really? I'll allow it," she responded with a smirk.

As he kissed her, she savored the feel of his lips on hers and the sensation of their tongues sliding together. This felt good and manageable, but Olivia knew it would soon change. They always reached a point where kissing was not enough. No matter how much they pulled at each other to deepen the kiss, the point of saturation was reached and Olivia pulled back from what she knew was possible after the first time they made love. Physically she wanted to be with him, but mentally she did not want to deal with the loss of control.

Fitz pulled her back into his arms for a hug before stretching out on the sofa with his Blackberry. Olivia sat at his desk and powered on her laptop.

They spent 20 minutes in silence except for the sounds of tapping keys. Olivia glanced over at Fitz with a mental note of how his presence prevented her from doing any real work. She pursed her lips when he winked at her.

"What is it with you and winking tonight?"

He walked over to her and started massaging her shoulders. "I don't know. When I'm around you, my body has a mind of its own. I don't know what do do with myself. Thanks again for hosting my parents while I was delayed. But I won't do it again as you requested. So how did it go with them?"

Olivia reached back and stilled his hands so she could move to the sofa. She also needed time to find the words.

"It was…fine."

"Uh oh. What does that pause mean?" They settled together on the sofa.

She sighed. He was looking at her like he was determined to solve a puzzle.

"I could talk to your dad for hours. He has a brilliant mind and he is so passionate about the Constitution. Your mom, she's just as passionate about her work, but she was more interested in me."

"That is understandable, right? You are the first woman I have dated seriously since Mellie died."

"Yes, but our relationship is…" her voice trailed off and she looked away from him.

"Our relationship is what, sweetheart?" he said, nudging her chin until their eyes met.

"It is not normal, Fitz. Your mother sees that and thinks I'm not being loyal to you…that I am not serious about you." She looked away again, but he pulled her back.

"What is abnormal about us?"

"So you want me to say it? Okay. We've only had sex once," she said.

When he didn't respond, she said, "I am…because of what happened to me, I have never had a normal sex life or any sex life, and I don't think I ever will. What we are doing is only temporary. Nothing will change that about me, Fitz. No matter how much therapy I have alone or with you…that won't change. Your mother was right, I guess. She could sense that part of me that is not invested."

Up until her last comment she could not read his expression. Now he looked angry. "What are you talking about?"

"Your mother thinks I'm not invested in our relationship because of my absence on election night. We both know she doesn't know the whole story, Fitz, but she is right. I can't give you what you need. Our relationship would always be one-sided," she said.

"One-sided how, Olivia? Are you saying that I give you what you need? Am I invested enough for you?"

"I bet you were a good lawyer, Fitz." She sighed then continued. "I want to be with you as we are now. I think about you a great deal. I like kissing you. I get this queasy feeling right here," she said, placing his hand over her abdomen," when I first see you or think about seeing you. But what we have is all temporary."

"Do you love me, Olivia?"

She let her heart speak. "Yes."

He looked genuinely surprised before leaning in for a kiss. She pulled away before they reached that familiar point.

"I love you, too. Thanks for sharing how you feel about me mentally and physically. As far as I'm concerned, that's enough for now. I want to make love to you again, but not until you want to. Will you ever want to? I don't know. To be honest, there is so much about you I want to learn."

Olivia crossed her arms and took a good look at the man she loved realizing once again, how unpredictable it was being with him. "You can attend my next session with Dr. Chase."

He smiled and said, "Thank you."

They sat for a while wrapped in each other's arms.

Olivia stood up first. "We need to go to bed."

"Okay. I have a strange request," he said.

She yawned. "And what is that?"

"Can I carry you upstairs?"

Olivia couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped her lips. He took that as a "yes," and scooped her up in his arms, causing her to laugh out loud.