Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
II.
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Konoha had a way of lifting her spirits every time she had been away to a mission or travelling. The autumn wind whirled around the busy streets and people of all ages shuttled to and fro. It smelled like sweetened fruits when she crossed the main alley with a warm smile on her lips.
Kakashi walked next to her like a dark cloud and she could tell his mood had gradually worsened with every hour on their way back to the village. Stealing a glance at him now, he seemed to be far from amused by the view. Just the opposite, he was bitter and bordering on angry. Whatever he was thinking about, she was afraid it was slowly and surely bringing him down.
So she figured it was her turn to exercise her powers.
Ever since the situation in the forest, she was thinking about how she had never actually advanced in her desire before. All she did was wait on him and it occurred to her that if she wanted something, it was up to her to get it. How hard could it be, when she knew Kakashi was so… soft at heart?
At least that's the Kakashi she has known through the years. What he was really like she didn't particularly know, but she figured it wouldn't be too far from what she's seen him be. If he ran away with low defences, then it was her turn to attack. And if he ever blamed her for her incredible war strategies, it'll only be funny since he was the one who taught them to her. Well, not that exact type of strategies but maybe the concepts.
"What are you thinking about?" Sakura boldly brushed her fingers against his palm, making him flinch.
"Stop doing that," He warned in a low voice, distancing himself from her a little and scanning the passers-by in case someone had noticed what's happened.
She trailed after him, with a small smile. Clearly, she irritated him and the fact wondrously didn't make her feel any regrets. At least she had dragged him out of his constant nonchalance. He was bothered now and it brought out some kind of liveliness in him that she rarely saw.
"Or what?" She spoke quietly, her shoulder touching his. He couldn't scare her, his authority had crumbled long ago.
Kakashi didn't comment on her words, headed straight for the Hokage Tower at the end of the road. When she looked up briefly, the skies were a stony grey and it looked like it was about to rain any moment, she hoped she'd get home before it pours down on them. Then her eyes shifted back down and the smile returned to her lips. There was this intriguing phenomenon that she never got tired witnessing when she was on a mission with her sensei.
The citizens never paid attention to a passing shinobi, they had gotten used to the sight — the vest, the kunai daggers, the headbands. Shinobi were as much as part of the village as the shops and the lanterns. But whenever a shinobi caught Kakashi in sight, they stood alert, nodding in respect as they went by.
And Sakura just loved it because Kakashi had no idea how to react to this, he never figured it out for all these years. So when they saw a young group of shinobi leave the Hokage building, upon noticing Kakashi all of them stopped and split up, to make way for him in silence.
The usual wave of inconvenience sifted through him as his he blushed a tad, waving with a hand for them to not mind him as he walked in, doing his best to avoid looking up. In fact, he hunched even more and nailed his eyes down uncomfortably. Sakura smiled at them for nodding at her as well. It wasn't true that the young generations were spoiled, she mused. Maybe the villagers, yes, but not the genin. The genin were just as disciplined as ever.
Naruto nearly jumped when Kakashi opened the door and rushed in, sullen as never.
"Bad news." He announced grimly, and Naruto murmured a quick I figured after that, eyes bouncing from Sakura to Kakashi and back with sparkling curiosity.
"He escaped again, didn't he?" He sighed, leaning back in his chair, hand passing over his blonde hair absently. "That guy's carrying some dangerous stuff that belong to Konoha. We're not the only ones that he steals from, other villages want a claim on him as well."
Naruto shook his head.
"It's weird because he doesn't seem to kill anyone," Sakura stepped up, folding hands, "he just gathers some pretty powerful artefacts for himself. Who knows what he's planning to do with them."
She held Naruto's livid pair of eyes for a second, then he looked to Kakashi with some slight worry on his face. The latter was staring at a point on the floor without moving an inch. A little stung, Sakura looked at him as well, and the pause extended.
"Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, carefully, and Kakashi looked up.
"What?"
"Uh, thank you for trying to track him down, you two should go rest now. I'll send you back out as soon as we receive some kind of information. Promise."
Kakashi nodded and slowly walked out of the office. The door clicked shut after him and Sakura raised a hand to stop Naruto from speaking first.
"It's fine." She assured him, stepping back. "Thank you for being so understanding, though. Not asking how we managed to miss that guy for a second time." She paused, her back leaning on the door and her features twisting with a grimace. "It was my fault this time and I am not proud, but I thought you'd want to know."
"Your fault?" Naruto raised a brow.
"It's complicated." She shook her head, fingers groping the door handle impatiently. The need to go out was burning her from the inside, but she owed him an explanation. The man they were chasing was a genuine missing-nin and he decided to do anything insane, it was going to be her fault entirely. Yet, all she could think of was… how to catch up with Kakashi.
"I see," Naruto's eyes narrowed at her strained posture. "You know what, you can tell me about it tomorrow. I've got some work to do." The words hung in the air as he measured her, clearly curious. He gestured at her to go. "Glad you two are safe."
"Me too," Sakura sighed with relief and with a nod disappeared behind the door.
The streams of people she found outside the building confused her senses for a while, she couldn't quite find the one she was looking for in the beginning, but soon she noticed a familiar tint of hair in the crowd and smiled, hasting forward.
Her cheeriness abated a little when she finally caught up and kept walking beside him, in his pace, mostly focused on his face. From her experience with Sasuke, she learned to read moods through expressions very well. Not to mention that she became inhumanly patient as well, so Kakashi's silence wasn't bothering her at all.
What bothered her was seeing him so disturbed and it scared her that he could run ever farther away from her or hide or back away. That's something she could predict with Sasuke. Kakashi was way more complicated because he had spent all this time perfecting all there was to perfect.
Sasuke was harsh and abrupt, and somewhat unruly, and it attracted her immensely. That's what attracted all her coevals as well back then. When she grew up, she understood that's not what she truly wanted. All the things she wanted, it took her a while to figure them out, one by one. Until she gathered them all together and constructed the image of someone she actually knew.
He's been there all her life and she realized it early, but the problem was, they came from two entirely different worlds. She could never imagine the heart-rending sorrows he's gone through and likely, he could never imagine leaning to her as well. To him, she had probably been someone small, mostly fragile and powerless, that he had to teach and protect and advise.
It wasn't fair, she knew that much. It wasn't fair to ask of him to change his point of view, but... She adored everything he was and everything he did and she had no other reasons to present to the world. And yet somehow he was never convinced. She adored how secure she felt with him, adored how calm and caring he was and how he seemed to exist out of any standards, in a division of his own.
She needed to get into his head, remove the thousand shackles from whatever kept him from being happy and paint some colours in there. The things that he's seen had left him devastatingly colourless.
"Where are we going?" She asked timidly, hands in her back as she obediently trotted after him and admiring the way he effortlessly walked in-between, against the flow of people.
"To Amaguirama. We have to talk."
The curt and dry announcement made her furrow a little. That admonishing tonation was fairly familiar to her and she couldn't help but let out a sigh. He's talked with her before, about her aspirations concerning him, and it was always brief, discouraging and hurtful. Also, pointless. She was still very much fond of him — before the speech, during the speech and after it.
They entered the cafe and she couldn't help the little smile when she saw the recognizable faces behind the high glass counters. This place was still the same as it was in her childhood years. Nothing changed and she was glad of it. One of the few things that survived the war and kept thriving.
The table close to the window wasn't occupied so they took it and send away the waitress. Then they stared at each other. Sakura wondered whether she had to be the one to start the conversation, but then again, she had nothing to talk about and nothing he could say could change her mind. So she remained quiet and waiting in anticipation.
Kakashi wasn't particularly calm either, his fingers absently drumming on the table surface and his brows in a slight furrow.
"You mentioned the word talk as far as I remember." Sakura put her hands together on the table.
Kakashi appeared distressed without her inciting remarks, but now his skin paled tangibly. Apparently, he wasn't feeling particularly well, having to talk about that this time around. She bit her lip a little, her mind wandering off to the scene in the forest. Her breaking down into tears seemed to have affected him in some way. She hadn't done that before.
It wasn't intentional or pre-planned, as she now thought about it, but she just felt like it at that moment. And he was so delightfully fazed at this whole situation that she found herself staring at him again, admiring one of these pits of helpless confusion he sometimes fell in, where he appeared completely lost and unsure. It was so heart-wringing and beautiful at the same time. If she had to be honest, her presence usually brought that mixture of emotions on him.
"Sakura, I promised to keep you from any harm and that includes your being delusional." His voice came out tired, with a little drifting tint to it.
He always sounded somewhat sad. It made her stomach tumble with uneasiness.
"That's not the word I'd use." Sakura shrugged, interjecting right away. "I'd say hopeful. And as far as I know, hope isn't dangerous."
Kakashi withered at her words, looking down at the table. He didn't know how to continue. Why bother opening up the same conversation over and over again, then? It seemed like giving in was the hardest thing for him to do and she couldn't put it into her head. There were plenty of reasons for him to stay away, all rational and commonsensical, yes, but he still stood his ground ferociously, like his life depended on it. That was odd.
"Aren't you… at least curious?" Sakura leaned in, with a mirthless smile. "What it'd be like if you stopped resisting?"
"You don't know what you're asking of me." Kakashi leaned in as well, lowering his voice so that only she could hear.
"I do." Sakura refuted, with a hiss. The sudden emotion that waved through her created a lump that she spend the next seconds trying to swallow. Maybe she didn't have to hide what she felt anymore. It was time to stop speaking in metaphors and glances. "Does keeping me from harm mean making me miserable?"
"If that's the price for your safety, yes." Kakashi was ready with a firm reply and she regretted asking in the first place.
Sakura pursed her lips, but her blurring eyes remained strictly on his. He surely had to know how much pain he caused to both of them. How much pain he has been causing them for months and months on end.
"And what about you?"
Kakashi gave her a half-surprised, half-defensive look. It was a little comical, how he was highly alarmed when the focus was shifted on him as he spent a lot of his time indirectly convincing people he didn't want that focus or the attention it brought. "What about me?"
"Am I making you miserable?" Sakura leaned a little more, voice softer than before, and he instinctively backed away, his bewilderment growing even more.
He avoided her eyes. It intrigued her deeply, she could give everything to know what he was thinking about. If only he could speak so that she'd know once and for all.
"Of course you don't."
"How do you feel about me then?" Do I repel you, do I make you angry or… She took a sharp breath, pressing her lips together. Did he feel anything at all at this point? Maybe people like him just couldn't take risks at some point, maybe he had passed his point of breaking and now just skimmed over his life's surface mindlessly because something more would require mental strength he didn't have anymore. A single effort more would hurt. It looked like it from aside.
There was no point in asking, though, interrogation didn't work on him. He was locking up and shutting off, even more, when someone applied pressure.
Sakura knew where his worries lied. Well, at least some of them. If it became apparent that they're seeing each other in any other way than professional, everyone would question her reliability from then on. Question her skills, her mental state, question every aspect of her life and so would they question his. Especially his.
Because he was in the most convenient position to take the public blame, the accusations and the tags to whatever she offered to turn him into. He was an easy target — the forty-year-old bachelor who read suspicious literature and lived alone. And then… the young, innocent and exemplary chief of the Konoha Hospital. The poor girl that suspected nothing before being assaulted by her mentally unstable teacher. The poor girl that he had taken advantage of. She'd probably never come out as the reason, she'd always be the victim.
Sakura had been thinking about it for years and never actually stopped thinking about it. However she twisted the story, it turned out terrible and depraved and absolutely misconstrued. She was conflicted, but it just left her with no choice. If she couldn't have him happy, then what was the point of the positive public opinion and image? She needed nothing but to see him happy. Even if it's once. One day. An hour. Just… once.
"So you're just going to leave me... like that?" Sakura slightly extended her hand and her fingers almost closed around his thumb before he recoiled, frowning at her.
"I don't mean to make you suffer. I've made my decisions long ago and I'm living the life that I've chosen to live. You can't change anything in it." He stood up, speaking just as calmly as ever.
Sakura stood up as well, to use her chance to retort before he walks away from the table.
"Fine, but just remember that you're welcome." She whispered, finally able to wrap her hand around his wrist. If she had learned anything in her life of medical ninjutsu, it was that gentle physical touch reassured and calmed people immensely. If not, then they had serious problems. Fortunately, Kakashi stopped in his track and didn't oppose her. "Anytime. You only."
The sadness that washed over him sent a spasm through her heart. She just couldn't understand. "You said alright." Her intonation climbed up a little and her words sounded more like a question, amidst the desperate sonance they gave out. What did he expect her to do with that word?
"I know." He removed her hand, his voice never as quiet. "But on my way to Konoha, I had some time to think and… what you're asking is impossible. I can't do it. For too many reasons."
Sakura parted her lips open. It was somewhat cruel of him to bring her hopes up like that, but she wasn't mad at him, oddly enough. She could never be mad at him.
"I'm sorry." He reached for her shoulder, but quickly recoiled and gave her bitter smile before leaving. Of course, touching her would convey all the wrong meanings.
She watched him take away and slipped back on her chair. At first, she felt like someone had punched her in the gut and she fought tears, trying to get a grip on her emotions, but after a while, it occurred to her… her persistence gave results. If his convictions had faltered, even for a brief moment, then she had to keep going.
Just keep going.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Wow, now that I look over the drafts of my chapters, this has turned out to be pretty dark. Sorry in advance lol