Disclaimer: I'm too young to be Rowling, so Harry Potter sadly cannot be mine…
List of names :
Harry (James) Potter, also known as 'H.J.'
The Black King: Voldemort – who else?
The White King: Dumbledore
Petunia (oldest sibling), also known as: Caspet or C.P. from Cassiopeia Petunia, last name: officially 'Dursley, born Evans'
Ris (the second oldest brother and older (nice) twin; Metamorphmagus), also known as: Rissy-Ris-Ris or sometimes SOB-story, drama-queen, (Severus Snape) or S.O. from Sirius Orion, last name (officially) 'Black'
Rus (third oldest and younger (evil) twin; Potion's Master, Metamorphmagus), also known as: Severus Snape or P.T. from Perseus Tobias, last name (unofficially) 'Evans-Prince'
Lilu (the fourth oldest, Harry's mother), also known as: Lily, Lily-flower or Lily Lu Prince from Lily Lucretia, last name officially 'Potter, née Evans). Died in 1981.
Res (youngest sibling; Unspeakable), also known as: R.A. from Regulus Arcturus, last name (officially) 'Black'. Is listed as dead since 1979.
Now on to the story:
OoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooseriouslyooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooseriouslyooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
LETTERS UNTIL HALLOWE'EN
sSs
The Burrow
Sometime shortly after Harry's flight from Privet Drive
A Letter to the uncles and his aunt
Dear Aunt and Uncles!
We arrived at The Burrow without problems. How's Uncle Vernon? Good acting by the way. I hope my room (the special one) is not damaged or at least not damaged too badly. If it is, I'm sorry, Uncle Res.
Anyway, I won't contact you anymore until September 1st, too risky.
Please don't answer that letter.
Your nephew
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Harry,
Knockturn Alley. When the Weasleys go shopping.
Your Uncle
R.A.
SsSsSsSsSs
We go tomorrow. I'll be there.
Harry
(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx
Hogwarts
Sometime shortly after the 1st of September
A Letter to Harry
To my beloved nephew Harry,
Your Uncle Vernon's fine. He broke his leg but your Uncle Rus definitely knows his potions and spells, so don't worry.
Now to the main point:
HARRY JAMES POTTER!
How dare you to use this horrible flying car to get to school? Have you ever even thought about waiting for Mr and Mrs Weasley? Have you thought about using your emergency port-key or about contacting your uncles?
You could have crashed somewhere! You cloud have exposed our world to the Muggles! You could have died and no one would have known where you are! Oh! When I get my hands on you, you definitely will be sorry, Harry James! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY GROUNDED! No going outside of your common room! No playing anything with your friends! Nothing but HOMEWORK, DETENTION and SLEEPING for the next MONTH! And don't you dare to object me! Merlin help you if you don't follow my rules, I will HAVE YOUR HIDE as soon as you return to Privet Drive!
Aunt Petunia
P.S.: 6 o'clock, tomorrow, detention with your uncle. The evil one. BE THERE!
SsSsSsSsSs
Dear Aunt Petunia,
May I at least eat and drink and maybe go to class, too? I don't think I will survive a month without nourishment and I also don't think the teachers will take it too kindly if I don't show up in class.
Sincerely,
Your nephew
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Don't agitate your aunt further, brat. Of course you may eat and drink – but no favourites or sweets and no desert. Only nourishing food. And don't you dare not to show up in class!
Sincerely
Your Uncle
Vernon
SsSsSsSsSs
At least I'm allowed to live. My throat was getting worrisome dry.
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Brat.
As if you would follow your aunts wishes to the 'T'
Your Uncle
R.A.
SsSsSsSsSs
I thought it was worth a try.
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Like your stunt with the car?
Your Uncle
R.A.
SsSsSsSsSs
That was not a try! That was Gryffindor to the boot – exactly what I should behave like!
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Dear Harry,
Kindly come to your Uncle Rus' quarters for training in all things Gryffindor next Saturday on 6 am.
Your Uncle
R.A.
SsSsSsSsSs
Uncle Rus was a Slytherin, Uncle Res. He has no idea about Gryffindors.
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Luckly for you your Uncle Ris wasn't. BE THERE.
P.T.
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To Harry's utter regret he could not object to the last letter and like that his lessons in being a 'proper Gryffindor' with his Uncle Ris started again.
Luckily for him it was his Uncle Ris who was teaching him. Harry had learned long ago to change the focus of this particular uncle to more interesting things for himself. And so instead of learning to be a Gryffindor, Harry learned about pranks.
At least until his Uncle Rus found out and then decided to sit in to stop Ris from changing the subject…
(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx
Hogwarts
Just minutes after the first DADA lesson
Harry complains
Dear Aunt Petunia!
Lockhart – my DADA teacher – is a moron. He started his first class with a pop quiz about him! And then he sets lose a horde of pixies! I repeat: HE IS A MORON! May I skip his classes? Please! I promise, I'll train by myself!
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Dear Harry.
No skipping classes or your uncle Rus will handle you.
Aunt Petunia
PS: If you want, Ris will give up his Saturday mornings to train you; maybe Rus will aid as well if you want, but: no telling your friends!
SsSsSsSsSs
I'll take Uncle Ris' lessons! I LOVE his lessons! I won't tell, promise.
Harry
PS: Ron always sleeps in on Saturday and Hermione either reads or sleeps as well, so no problem.
SsSsSsSsSs
Lessons for Harry James Potter on Saturdays from 5 until 7 o'clock in the morning.
Sincerely
THE SOB-STORY
SsSsSsSsSs
Haha! Very funny name-play, Uncle Sirius Orion Black!
Harry
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As Harry predicted, he loved his lessons with Uncle Ris.
They had lots and lots of fun.
"Uncle Ris, tell me – how do you make a dung bomb?"
"Do you truly think that knowing how to make a dung bomb helps you with DADA, Harry?"
"Well… It might. Or don't you think that the Death Eaters would think about it twice if they're attacked with dung bombs? They make a good evasion tactic, don't they?"
"Hmm, you might be right about that… Oh well! Alright! I teach you how to make a dug bomb!"
Sadly enough, after a month Rus checked on the progress Harry had made and was definitely not impressed by what he found out.
"Ris! What by Merlin and Morgana did you teach Harry over the last month?"
"Er… how to make dung bombs?"
Rus groaned.
"Alright," he said slowly. "I'll be sitting in the lessons from now on. No slacking off anymore or I'll tell Caspet."
After that, Defence Against The Dark Arts was taken seriously by Harry and Ris – not that Harry minded. He had always wished for an allowance to curse his uncle...
Rus definitely didn't mind to see Ris suffer.
The other man after all deserved a lesson for slacking off before…
(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx
Hogwarts
Just minutes after Harry's detention with Lockhart
Harry complains again
Dear Aunt Petunia!
I think we might have another problem. Today, I had detention with Lockhart (car incident. Yeah, I know, it's not with uncle – well not ONLY with uncle…) Anyway, I had to help him with his fan post! THAT is NOT a detention! That's TORTURE! And then he forgot the curfew!
Well, but that's not the important thing I wanted to tell you: the important thing is that I heard a voice coming from the wall! Lockhart heard nothing, but he is Lockhart, so I truly didn't expect too much from that direction…
Anyway, did you hear something from the uncles? Like a new plan by the White King? A plan of the Black King? Or anything at all? Maybe new tests from the Department of Mysteries?
Whatever – anything suspicious I should know that would explain it…
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Dear Harry,
I asked around and heard nothing of the things you suggested. In the end, I asked Grandfather and he had an interesting story to tell. From what he heard, about the time your Grandmother Eileen went to school, there was an incident with the Chamber of Secrets being opened and the monster hunting throughout the halls.
Of course, you're now wondering why I tell you this. Well, the truth is, your Grandmother Eileen heard a voice hissing something from within the walls just before the first attack. Considering that you're a Parselmouth, it's quite likely that the hissing she heard is the voice you heard – so keep an eye out. If there's truly a monster on the loose, you'll soon find some evidence.
Your Aunt
Petunia
SsSsSsSsSs
Dear Aunt Petunia!
I will do as you said. I'll tell you more the moment I know more.
Harry.
SsSsSsSsSs
You can also tell me about it. I and Ris are in the castle, after all.
Uncle P.T.
SsSsSsSsSs
I will.
HJP
(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx(vvv)xxx
Hogwarts
After the Death Party
Harry reports back to his Aunt
Dear Aunt Petunia!
You were right! I heard it again when we were on our way back from the Death Party of Nearly Headless Nick. I know, you might ask yourself what we were doing at the Death Party instead of going to the Hallowe'en fest – well, the truth is I somehow ended up promising to go there so we went. I'm sorry if you're unhappy with that particular decision.
Anyway, when we returned, we stumbled upon Mrs Norris, Filch's cat, who was petrified after I followed the voice in the wall. Hermione and Ron weren't too happy and Filch accused me of petrifying his cat. Even the White King seemed to believe that it was I who did it – and of course Uncle Rus came to my help in the most unhelpful manner he could manage.
Can you see me rolling my eyes?
Anyway, in the end, I was declared not-guilty and I left to write my report to you.
If it truly was the monster from the Chamber like you implied – what kind of monster petrifies living beings?
Harry
SsSsSsSsSs
Dear Harry,
Thank you for your report. I will look into your questions. Until then I want you to stay close to your friends and never leave their proximity. It's best if they have no reason to accuse you of actually petrifying anyone – and having witnesses that you didn't do it is always good.
Aunt Petunia
SsSsSsSsSs
I will do as you wish.
Harry.
SsSsSsSsSs
Don't listen to your aunt, boy. Keep your teddy with you and the basilisk can't harm you – I guarantee you that. My teddies are beyond the gaze of such a simple creature as a basilisk.
Great-Grandfather.
SsSsSsSsSs
Aunt Petunia,
Great-Grandfather is certain that we're facing a basilisk. What should I do?
Harry.
SsSsSsSsSs
Harry,
The answer to your question should be easy: if you meet the basilisk, ask it about some venom for me. I need some to experiment.
Uncle P.T.
SsSsSsSsSs
PERSEUS TOBIAS!
You did not write your twelve year old nephew to ask a killer snake for its venom if he sees it! How could you?! HE IS TWELVE, for Merlin's sake!
C.P.
SsSsSsSsSs
Sorry, Harry. Forget about the venom. Go hiding if you see the basilisk.
P.T.
(PS: Still, if there's a way, please?)
SsSsSsSsSs
I always knew you were weird, Uncle Rus, but I never knew how weird until now. But then, you were subjected to the nice twin-uncle all your life…
Harry
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Needless to say, for the first time in a long time Harry's Uncle Rus was in the dog-house with his older sister.
Ris thought it quite funny that Rus had risked the wrath of Caspet for some basilisk venom – but then, Ris wasn't a potion's master. He would never understand the beauty of a well done potion or the need of a master to obtain the most unusual ingredients they could get their hands on…
Ccccc
That's it for today. 'Till next time.