*casually acts like I didn't take ten years to update* Heeeeyyyyy

So I'm not entirely sure when this will go up since the site (cite? Idk) is having a few problems with the server and whatever. But hopefully this will go up soon.

WARNING! This chapter contains references and possible spoilers for the book Simon vs. The Homo Sapians Agenda which is also going to be the movie Love Simon.

Disclaimer: I do not own Jessie.

Chapter 15: Books and Laughter

Ravi gasps, his eyes snapping open. He sits up in bed, leaving a damp silhouette from where he was sweating on the bed sheets. He clutches at his rapid beating heart and takes deep breaths to slow his breathing. He had the nightmare again. He knows it by the fact that he feels like he's just finished having a panic attack that didn't end properly. Like he was having a panic attack in his sleep, and it got so bad that it woke him up.

It takes him a couple of minutes to realize that's exactly what happened.

Once again, he can't remember a thing about the dream (nothing new there). It's the same one he's been having on and off ever since he came home from the hospital. He at least thinks it's the same one by the way he feels, and by the way the dream felt. It's like a weird familiarity and an intense fear. He's never felt this way after any other nightmare he's had in the past, or after the panic attacks he would get during the day. It's only after this particular one. He still can't remember anything from it except for the color red, and the fact that it left him shaken and terrified. He tries his best to retrieve any little detail his brain can find on the dream but comes up empty. He sighs, running a hand through his sweaty hair. Looks like the saga of the mystery dream is going to have to continue, at least until he can figure out what it means.

He sighs and checks the time on his phone, seeing that it's 6:30. Doesn't make sense to go back to sleep he supposes. He has to get up at seven anyway, and he wouldn't be able to return to sleep either. Not after a dream and a panic attack like what he just had. Ravi stretches and slowly gets up, making his way to the bathroom for a shower. Lord knows he needs it after sweating like a pig in his sleep.

He welcomes the warm sprinkle of water from the shower head with open arms. Something about the spray of water calms down his high sprung nerves and soothes the tense muscles he didn't realize he had. He begins to relax, forgetting about the dream and the red and the anxiety and his panic attacks.

As he showers, Ravi's mind drifts to other things: school, his impending therapy session later in the day, group, Grayson. Grayson. The sudden thought of the hazel eyed sixteen-year-old sends a shivery tingle down Ravi's spine despite the warmth from the shower. His stomach does a little flip as he pictures the dimpled smile and one crooked bottom tooth, the same way it does when he see's him in person. Ravi let's the water run down his face. Okay, he can admit it to himself. He has a crush on Grayson. Despite how scary the realization or acceptance might be, he knows it's true. It has to be from the way his heart flutters and his mind turns to jell-o whenever Grayson is around. Ravi has never felt anything like what he feels when Grayson is around him, and it frightens him that he is feeling that way. For one, he's never had a crush on anyone. He's never been in any romantic relationship before. He's never even interacted with someone the way he's interacted with Grayson, and their time spent together was still fairly platonic. Just the mere thought of having feelings for another human being the way people on television and in books do scares him a bit, though he supposes that's a natural reaction.

And it's not like he's necessarily had the chance to look at anyone in a romantic way since he's been preoccupied with his own demons.

On the other hand, he has a crush on Grayson. He has feelings for another male. And that probably scares him most of all. Because liking Grayson means that Ravi likes a boy. It means that Ravi likes boys. And he's not sure whether this is new to him or if he's had feelings like this before, but he's not sure it matters. His sexuality is not something Ravi has ever really explored, nor has he had the desire to explore it. It's been the last thing on his mind for years, since he long ago deemed himself undesirable. But knowing that Grayson is in his life and he's suddenly bombarded with emotions he didn't know he had, it's at the very forefront of it.

Ravi knows there's nothing wrong with boys liking boys. In his opinion, people should be free to like or love whoever they want. And in a perfect world, everyone would think the same thing about it. But him liking other boys is a completely a different story. He remembers far to clearly the many words and slurs thrown at him over the past few years of him attending Walden Academy. Faggot and gaylord being two of the more popular words. He's not stupid. He knows that's what many people have thought about him over the years. Or whether they thought he was gay or not, they would still use the words to break him down and demean him. It has always been part of the many insults said to Ravi Ross. But it's never crossed his mind that maybe, just maybe, it's true.

What if it is true?

What if this entire time, everyone has been calling him that because they see something that he's never seen before? And what would everyone say or do when they found out that he's now acting on it? Since his return to school, the bullying has stopped, which Ravi is grateful for. It's one less thing he has to worry about now. But there isn't a doubt in his mind that if Ravi started publicly liking other boys, the torment would start again in a heartbeat. And although he's positive that Luke, Emma, and Zuri (and Dana he's sure) will have his back, there's still no way he could handle going through that type of hell again. He'd much rather keep his feelings to himself.

That's exactly what he's going to do. He's just going to keep that side of him to himself and do his best to hide how he feels when he's around Grayson. He'll have to suppress it as much as he can and just hope the feelings go away. It's going to be a pain since he has to be around the topaz eyed teen for most of the week, but Ravi will have to put up with it. Besides, Grayson doesn't feel the same way. There's no way. He's the exact textbook definition of a teenage heartthrob. He's a jock, co-captain of the basketball team. He's at the top of the high school food chain. He's charming, popular, charismatic, and uncharacteristically hot. Ravi on the other hand is none of those things. He's at the very bottom of the food chain. Nowhere near Grayson's standards. On top of that, there's no way Grayson could be gay. With the number of girls running after him like a cat after a mouse, there's absolutely no way Grayson could like boys. It just didn't make sense

Ravi turns off the shower and steps out, wrapping a towel around his skinny frame. He doesn't know how he's going to do it. He's paired up with Grayson on a project (and they have to work pretty close to each other), plus they have group therapy together. And they have a class together which Ravi in no way can avoid. They're always going to be around each other. But Ravi's going to have to try. He thinks he and Grayson are starting to become friends, and if he's infatuation with the topaz eyed boy ruins that, then he doesn't know what he'll do.

"So how often would you say you get these panic attacks Ravi?" Dr. Phillips asks, the black pen in his hand waggling.

"Um," Ravi mutters nervously (for whatever reason). How often does he have panic attacks? "I guess one every day or every other day. They happened more often after I was discharged from the hospital, but I guess now it's not as much."

Dr. Phillips scribbles that down on his clipboard, not really making any expressions with his face. Ravi isn't sure if he wants to know what the doctor is thinking anyway. "And have you noticed any similarities? Any specific triggers or causes?" He wiggles the pen again. It's really distracting.

Ravi shrugs out of his momentary distraction. "I think it's just… stressful situations." Dr. Phillips gives him a look that says Ravi needs to elaborate more. "Like public speaking, being in large groups or in new situations. And around new people. Sometimes if I fear that I might get bullied or if I remember some more awful times. Things like that sometimes cause it." He does his best to come up with every reason he's had a panic attack or almost had one, but it's honestly hard. It's not like he keeps track of them or writes them down.

Dr. Phillips just nods. "And does the method I taught you help? Counting backwards from ten while focusing on your breathing?"

"Mostly, yeah." It does help a lot, but Ravi doesn't mention his fear for the one day when it might not help. He doesn't know what he'll do when that day comes (probably die or something), but best not to worry about it now, right?

"Well that's good. Being able to take control of the panic attacks when they happen is a good thing. It means your chances of prognosis are higher. However, treatment is still necessary to ensure that they don't get worse and that they subside significantly." Dr. Phillips continues to scribble things down on the clipboard. "We're going to start you on some Cognitive Reconstructing and Mindfulness therapy. Cognitive Reconstructing is a technique that will help you become more aware of anxiety-provoking thought patterns, and thus should help you replace them with more balanced, less anxious thinking. And Mindfulness therapy should help you experience unpleasant physical sensations without reacting negatively. Sound good?"

Ravi feels like his head is spinning a bit from all the information (and from focusing so much on the pen in Dr. Phillips hand), but none of it is new terms to him. His familiar enough with those therapies. He nods. "Yeah. Sounds good."

Dr. Phillips writes something else down before speaking again. "Now what about that daily journal I gave you?"

Ravi blinks. "The what?"

"The composition notebook I gave you a couple weeks ago. The one I told you to write in if you ever felt the need."

Ravi's thoughts went to the blue notebook sitting somewhere under his bed, probably collecting dust bunnies. He's been neglecting it for weeks, not that he ever thought he could write in it anyway. "Oh yeah. That."

"I take it you haven't written anything in it then." Dr. Phillips looks at him over his black rimmed glasses.

"…No, I haven't."

Dr. Phillips just nods. "Understandable. But Ravi I'd really like for you to start writing something in there. Anything really. Something you did in a day, or something you were feeling. A poem maybe." Ravi's heart jumps as he thinks about the Uncensored open mic he went to. The thought of writing his own poems did cross his mind, and he even had the idea of using the journal Dr. Phillips gave him. But poetry writing isn't something that comes easily to him. Plus, he already has enough trouble voicing his thoughts, so he can't imagine how hard writing them would end up being.

"Anything else you want to discuss? If not, we're done for today."

Ravi almost says no, more than eager to leave the hour long therapy session. But he suddenly remembers the nightmare he had this morning, the one he keeps having and keeps forgetting, and the panic attacks that always come with it. "Yeah, there is one thing." Dr. Phillips sits up a bit. "I keep having this dream. Or, nightmare rather. I have it on and off. And it leaves me feeling weird and panicky. But I can never remember what it's about."

Dr. Phillips looks intrigued. "Really?"

Ravi nods. "I know it's the same one because I always feel the same afterwards. And it always makes me have an attack. Except for this morning. I think I had one while I was sleeping and I woke up just as it finished. I don't know if that makes any sense…"

"Oh, yes. Nocturnal panic attacks are very common in people who have panic attacks during the day." Dr. Phillips says. "There typically isn't a direct cause for them when they happen. But you say yours occur due to a particular dream…"

"Yeah, and it's definitely the same one. But I just can't remember anything about it. Except," a light bulb goes off in Ravi's head, "for the color red."

"Red?" Dr. Phillips repeats. Ravi nods. "So, you mean, everything looks red? Or there is a red object?"

"No." Ravi shakes his head. "It, it's more like splotches of red. Or splatters of it." It doesn't make anymore sense out loud than it does in his head, but he'd rather get it out to the doctor than wonder about it.

Dr. Phillips nods. "Uh huh…" He takes more notes (which annoys Ravi, probably because how of distracting that damn pen is). "I wish I could spend more time discussing this Ravi, but I have another client after you and sadly, where out of time. But why don't we pick up with this discussion next week?"

"Okay, that's fine." Ravi nods. He'd rather get to the bottom of his mystery dreams sooner rather than later, not liking the idea of having it again within the next week. But maybe in the time lapse, he'll have another one and he'll be able to remember more of it. Or maybe it will start to become clearer to him. And maybe then it'll make more sense to him. It still scares him that he'll possible have to go through another night of waking up feeling like his chest is burning, but if having them more will give him some answers, that he'll have to put up with it.

Ravi stands up at the same time the doctor does. He leaves the office where Christina is waiting for him with a smile on her face.

"Hey bud." She wraps an arm around him. "How was it today?"

"It was okay." Ravi shrugs, the same response he gives every time he's asked how therapy was. He doesn't mean for his response to be so short and blunt, but what else is he supposed to say? I'm only enduring therapy because I don't want anyone to worry about me, and if I don't come here my panic attacks might drive me insane. And I keep waking up feeling like I'm dying but I'm pretty sure even my shrink doesn't know why.

Yeah, he'd rather not.

He'd rather his family believe that he's enjoying his weekly trips to the shrink rather than tell them what he's really feeling. He's being impractical, he knows. But the last thing he wants is for everyone to worry too much about him when they don't need to.

Because they don't need to. He will be just fine.

Since his return to school, Ravi's siblings (and Dana) have made it a point to escort Ravi everywhere except for maybe the bathroom. Whether he's in class, walking to a class, eating lunch, at his locker, or doing something else, someone is almost always accompanying him. It's always either Luke, Emma, Zuri, or Dana (with it being Luke 99% of the time), and more recently (yet not as often) Grayson. One of these five people have gone out of their way to make sure Ravi isn't alone at any point during the day, and thus isn't at risk of torment. And Ravi is forever grateful for that. For years, his siblings would avoid him in school and pretend not to know him. He's had to watch everyone else walk around with their friends, smiling, laughing, and overall looking happy. Now, he doesn't need to watch those people wishing he could be them. Now, Ravi doesn't have to worry about being alone and at risk of someone putting him down. Plus, without one of his siblings with him, he might have at least ten panic attacks during the day and would probably have to quit school or something because he can't bare the embarrassment of losing it in front of an entire population of high school students.

So, Ravi doesn't mind the hovering at all. At times he feels like he could use some space, but his siblings are quick to realize when they're being a little too overbearing and know when to tone it down. For the first time in his life, Ravi doesn't feel afraid, or dread the thought of walking around his school. He doesn't feel like the halls just pull him deeper into the dark room. In fact, he hasn't felt the dark room for a few days now.

And having his siblings or Dana with him all the time means that Ravi always has someone to sit with during lunch, which is honestly a feat for Ravi. Prior to everything that happened, Ravi would eat lunch alone everyday, if not in the cafeteria, then in the library or empty classroom while he read a book or did some studying. And although it bothered him that nobody really wanted him to sit with him or be around him, he guesses he eventually grew used to it. He became accustom to finding a quiet corner in the library where nobody would bother him. Now however, Ravi's siblings are more than willing to have lunch with him, with Dana dropping in whenever her extracurriculars weren't keeping her busy. And for the first time, Ravi can finally enjoy the lunch period like every other normal teenager.

But nothing gold every stays, now does it?

Of course, whatever deity out there would make it so that Ravi would eventually have to endure lunch by himself again. Of course, he couldn't fully escape the slow burning loneliness not having a group of friends of his own would bring. Of course, it would be that Luke somehow ended up in lunch detention, Emma came down with a nasty fever and stayed home, and Zuri not share his lunch period on Wednesday's. And of course, Dana, being the popular girl she is, would have some club meeting to attend during lunch. And of course, that meant Ravi would have to sit in the middle of the lunch room by himself

Ravi considered just secluding himself in the library for the 45-minute period just to save him the embarrassment and anxiety. But something about that idea felt like he would be regressing. Have lunch there would just be a cruel reminder of everything he's wanted to forget; of everything he's felt and had to endure. He's sure that returning to the library for lunch would push him farther into the dark room, and the farther away he can stay for there, the better.

Finding an empty table (which is fairly easy since this lunch period is somewhat less populated), Ravi takes a seat and pulls out and apple and the rest of the lunch Bertram packed for him. He does his best to ignore the people around him; the various groups of friends and cliques. He keeps his eyes glued to the lunch table so he doesn't make eye contact with anyone. He feels nervous. He's alone in the lunch room. He hasn't been alone in a crowd like this for more than five minutes without getting a panic attack. He doesn't know how long he has until he'll have to run out and find somewhere to calm himself. He just knows that the faster he finishes his lunch, the less at risk he is of having a panic attack in front of everyone.

Ravi stares at the sandwich in front of him. His appetite still isn't where it should be, and his stomach turns at the thought of food. Instead, he pulls out a book he's been trying to get through while he takes a bite of his apple. He's sure he'll get sick if he tries to eat something substantial, but he also knows that he needs to eat something. He doesn't like the idea of starving himself either, so he'll force himself to eat eventually. Just, not yet.

A couple minutes pass with Ravi becoming engrossed in the book he's reading. He, by some miracle, forgets about the high schoolers around him. That is, until someone plops in the sit across from him. Ravi's eyes dart up at the sudden movement, and his heart leaps into his throat when his eyes connect with a pair of topaz ones behind long eyelashes. Ravi is so stunned that Grayson Sinclair has willingly joined him for lunch that he completely forgets how to speak for a good five seconds, and stares at Grayson with his mouth wide open.

Grayson just smiles at the younger Indian boy, dimples popping out effortlessly. "This seat isn't taken, is it?" There's a very distracting suave to his voice.

Ravi blinks before coming back to his senses. "N-no, not at all."

"Good." Grayson's smile never leaves his face. Ravi tries not to stare at his mouth. "How come you're sitting by yourself?"

"Everyone else I usually sit with is either busy or not here…" Ravi shrugs, trying to focus on anything else but how his heart is thundering, and his palms are sweating. At least it's not panic…

"Understandable." Grayson nods, pulling out a sandwich he bought from the lunch line. "I hope you don't mind me sitting here. I saw you by yourself and thought, nobody deserves to spend lunch alone."

Ravi smiles to hide his blush. "I-I don't mind at all."

Grayson begins to unwrap his sandwich. "Whatcha reading?" He nods his head towards Ravi's forgotten book.

"Oh," Ravi closes the book, revealing it's red cover. "It's called Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda."

"What's it about?"

Ravi doesn't know how to explain the plot to Grayson without revealing that the main character is gay (which wouldn't really be a problem if Ravi didn't have a gay crush on Grayson), but he tries his best. "It's, uhh, it's basically about this guy who has this secret. And someone else finds out and blackmails him with it. But if that someone reveals the secret, he would also be revealing the secret of an anonymous pen-pal the main character has."

Grayson raises an eyebrow. "Well what's the big secret? Has to be a big one if it's blackmail worthy, right?"

"Uh…" Ravi guesses he can't avoid uttering the words after all. He's cheeks heat up just thinking about it. "He, uh, the main character is gay." He pauses but Grayson doesn't even flinch. Must be a good sign. "And the pen-pal is gay. And they sort of fall in love with each other."

"So, the guy falls in love with an anonymous pen-pal? Does he even know his name?"

Ravi just shakes his head. When Grayson puts it like that it just sounds ridiculous.

"Isn't that how most murder mysteries start? Or how kids get abducted? By talking to strangers on the internet?"

Ravi snorts. "It's not really a stranger. Both characters attend the same school."

"How do you know that?"

"They met through a Tumblr page specifically made for students at their school."

"Okay, but how do you know that mister no-name actually goes to the school? What if it's some creepy 45-year-old man sitting in his basement stalking teenaged boys? What if the main guy is getting cat-fished or something? Or what if it's actually a girl messing around with him?"

Ravi is speechless trying to think of an argument for that. Grayson just raises his eyebrow with a smirk. Ravi wants to kiss the smirk off his face. Ravi pushes that thought away. "You know what? You're right. That could very well be the case." Grayson looks far too pleased with that answer. "But for the sake of the story, I'm going to believe that the anonymous pen-pal is a legitimate high schooler."

Grayson shrugs. "How long have you been reading it for?"

"Um, a while…" Ravi bites his bottom lip.

"How long is a while?"

Ravi looks down at the table in embarrassment. "I… I started it last year but didn't get far and I didn't finish it. I started reading it again a few days ago."

"Why didn't you finish it last year? Too busy or something?"

Ravi swallows hard, his breath shaky. "I just… I couldn't really bring myself to do anything enjoyable after a while." He can't believe he's actually voicing this, but he doesn't have the desire to stop. "There was… a lot going on. Mentally and emotionally. And it got to a point where I had no desire to do anything I once enjoyed." Or live, he thinks but doesn't say. That part is much harder to say. He takes a breath, willing the moisture in his eyes not to fall.

Grayson looks regretful. "Wow. I'm sorry Ravi. I didn't mean to pry like that."

Ravi gives him a small smile. "It's alright. You're actually the first person I've ever said that to."

"Really? You haven't talked about this with anyone?"

"Well, yeah," Ravi absentmindedly opens the wrapping around his sandwich, "but I've never gone into depth about some things, including what was happening to me last year."

Grayson looks like he understands. "Must be hard to talk about, huh?"

"Yeah. I try not to think about it too much. It's easier that way."

Grayson nods. It's quiet between them for a moment before he speaks again. "You think I could borrow that when you're done?" He points to the now closed book in front of Ravi.

Ravi's eyes grow wide. "You want to read it?"

Grayson smiles that kilowatt smile and Ravi's insides flip. "Yeah. It sounds interesting. And it's different too. I haven't heard of a lot of books about homosexuality either, so it should be fun to read." He shrugs. "Plus, I want to understand why you believe that the anonymous guy isn't some deranged sexual predator trying to lure kids into his shed."

The laugh that escapes Ravi surprises him, and he swears Grayson grins wider at it. "Do you read a lot of Stephen King books by any chance?"

"How did you know?"

"Lucky guess."

Grayson chuckles this time. "My uncle owns a bunch. He didn't want me or my cousins to read them since, you know, they're kind of traumatizing. But the fact that I wasn't allowed to read them made me want to read them more, so naturally I would sneak them into my room whenever I could."

"Did they traumatize you?"

"I slept with the lights on for a week because I was convinced Pennywise the Clown was going to crawl through my window at night and attack me."

Ravi laughs again. "I've never read Stephen King books just because of that."

"Good. Don't. Keep reading nice books about love and pen-pals and hold onto your sanity."

Ravi continues to laugh. It's genuine laughter. He can't remember the last time he felt he could genuinely laugh about anything. He can't even remember the last time he's laughed this much without it being forced or weird. He doesn't even laugh this much with Luke or Zuri or Emma. It's like Grayson flipped some switch in him that was preventing him for happiness before, because that's suddenly all he feels.

They continue to talk for the rest of the lunch period. And oddly enough, it begins to feel natural. It starts to feel like they've been friends for years rather than a week. That nervousness and awkwardness Ravi felt during his first encounters with Grayson fades away as the conversation flows. It's still there sometimes, and peeks it's way out at random moments, but the flow of the conversation makes that awkward feeling disappear fast. It surprises Ravi how much he's able to talk to Grayson without freezing up completely and stuttering like a moron. But he doesn't question it. He just enjoys it while it last.

They talk about anything. School, group therapy, Grayson's cousins, Ravi's siblings, animals (Ravi finds out Grayson has a dog and two cats. Ravi tells him about Mrs. Kipling), Stranger Things (and why, according to Grayson, Ravi has go to watch both season asap!), and anything else that comes to mind. There's never a lull in the conversation, never a dull moment. Ravi blushes countless times, hoping Grayson doesn't know it, and Ravi feels mistaken when he thinks he sees a pink tint on Grayson cheeks when Ravi compliments his athletic abilities. And Ravi feels happier than he's felt in a long time, forgetting completely about nightmares, and panic attacks, and bullies, and his scar, and therapy, and the video, and anything else that's plagued his mind for so long. If Ravi could sit there and talk to Grayson for the rest of his life, he surely would.

They talk until the bell rings far too soon. Both boys jump at the shrill ringing of the bell, not realizing so much time had lapsed. Grayson has class on the other side of the building, so they say bye and Ravi wears a huge grin all the way to his AP Chemistry class.

And it isn't until the bell rings and he's seated that he realizes something.

Ravi finished his entire lunch. Including the sandwich. He hadn't even realized he ate it all. And his stomach isn't twisting in protest. His grin grows wider. He doesn't pay attention in Chemistry. He's far too focus on the way those pools of topaz were focused on him.

I guess we can call this a filler chapter. Short and sweet and right to the point. And should help move this story along.

Anywho, it's 4 am and I need to sleep. So, review please. Love yah!

-Bye Felicia