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Note : So I have time. . .

Love Me For Thirty Days

DAY THIRTEEN

Thursday

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"How do you know when it's over?"
"Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you."
― Gunnar Ardelius, I Need You More Than I Love You and I Love You to Bits

Tetsuya stared, for a long range of duration, toward the Fujifilm polaroid camera. It's strawberry red in colour, the blunette knew what was his senior's intention ― he rolled his eyes despite the small smile drawn on his smooth contours. How cunning, his thoughts drawled. Slender digits caressed the surface oh-so-gently as if it might break any moment, and he placed the device with full caution inside its small clothed bag.

So, he'd taken a few photos just as recently as he had received the gift. The polaroid films had became another ― harmless ― secret from Seijuurou. He'd taken snippets of his husband from afar, when the redhead was too busy taking care of Sakura or when he was sleeping last night. Though mostly, it was always the adorable moments when the redhead was in slumber. The air was different, the mood altered and everything seemed so light in the morning. At least, he seemed much honest than had he ever been in the waking reality. Tetsuya smiled at the photo he had captured up close. Who knew that he could be a master of photography as well? Perfectly measured angles and clear focus and all those kind of things photographers took in consideration.

Anyway, the blunette didn't bother to know that.

He was very well aware of what purposes the polaroid served for. As if there was a telepathic link between the two invisible people ― that, or Sakura just might have told him about what she had known ― Chihiro seemed to decipher the problems written on the creases on his expression.

It was after dinner, his former senior confronted him out of nowhere and gave him a small packaging. Tetsuya once blinked, gawked awkwardly toward the sudden present and returned a similar look toward a stoic, monochromic eyes. "Use it wisely," he'd said and went to bid a farewell toward Sakura, who he had formed a camaraderie with. There wasn't any farther explanation afterwards.

He wasn't even sure if he's using the device wisely.

"Tetsuya, are you listening?"

Oh. He'd been spacing out for too long. The blunette blushed furiously, having his quirky act caught by none other than his husband. Seijuurou flashed his multi-coloured eyes straight toward his own pallid blue, and smirked in mischief. "What are you thinking about, hn?" he chuckled, "I hope I'm in whatever you're thinking." The redhead flashed a wink and Tetsuya threshed his arms at his torso, lightly and playfully with his eyes jeering an impish glare.

"Too bad it isn't that way," the blunette responded the flames with a gasoline of his own, a comeback against the arrogant statement.

Seijuurou sneered, "Oh, are we playing that game now?"

"Maybe."

Seijuurou closed the distance between them, inching closer and closer until a whisper was a blow on the cheek. "I could make you think about me," he added with a purr, "And only me."

But his intentions to weaken the other failed. Unfazed, Tetsuya only added the fire with more fuel as he pecked the other's lips and sashayed farther from the redhead, who became nothing more than a crimson fruit within seconds. The blunette smirked.

Fortunately, he had hidden the polaroid right under his pillow when he was awoken from his reverie. The thing should've been safe from unnecessary questions least, for now. Only Kami knows how persistent the redhead was once he was curious.

Again, another day at the airport. It was somehow their intention to try out an adventurous vacation, instead of a decent one. Unbeknownst to many, the redhead had his own secret pleasure too ― one includes backpacking and another includes the sparkle in someone's pallid blue eyes.

He haven't seen it for a while now. It was back then when they were junior high, the first time he saw it, something struck deeper in his chest and he was in awe. As if the two pools were, instead, a clear mirror reflecting the stars littering against a canvas of midnight.

He was watching them. The azure contrasting every bit of lights flashing against, darting toward each direction and the gaze brought a cursive on the lips each time it landed against a pleasing scene. Tetsuya was one easily amused after all, and he was Seijuurou's own muses to be exact.

Oh, how badly did he wanted to capture the moment right now. Too bad the redhead didn't have a camera instead. Instead, he took out his phone and flashed a photo of the blunette.

Tetsuya flinched. "Sei ― Hey!" he blushed, laughing, "You got me!"

"I can't help it," the redhead mused, smiling against the sight in front of him. "You looked. . . splendid after all. . ."

For once, he saw the light faded as the blunette's eyes widened. The heat spread like a wildfire against his alabaster white skin. He lowered his gaze.

"Eh, I want a picture too!" Sakura burst out, her aura oozing bubbliness.

"Now doesn't seemed like a good place to take a nice photo, Sacchan," said Chihiro. "Let's take it once we're in Davao, okay?"

"Is Davao far? Why are we riding airplane again?" the child pouted, unsatisfied.

"Well, it'll took days to go there from a boat. Don't you like airplanes, Sacchan?"

"Mommy and Daddy always ride airplanes without me," the child sanguinely frowned, "And they took a long, long, long" ― Sakura widened her arms to show the length ― ". . . Time before they came home."

The blunette reached the little girl and hugged her close. "Sakura-chan, you'll always have otou-san and chichiue."

"Yeah, that's why Sakura-chan isn't so sad!" She beamed.

We could really be a perfect family, Tetsuya deepened his thoughts. He stole a glimpse toward his spouse but reverted back to the ground. He frowned, If only. . . If only we were back to when we used to be so intimate.

Because lovers aren't supposed to be shy toward each other. Because lovers should stick close and not create boundaries against each others' spaces. Because lovers should be honest, not layering the bubble space with lies, lies and more lies. Because lovers should love each other. Because lovers should be more than two sweethearts. Because lovers should be connected.

And right now, are they even creating a connection other than it was for none other but their foster daughter? Should they have been telling their feelings out ― heck, scream to the top of their lungs about their secrets ― holding each other wouldn't be so painful. It felt like re-opening the old wounds, felt like he was bathing in the blood of a past war, felt like he was murdering his feelings once again.

Tetsuya clenched the polaroid buried deep inside his backpack lying against his thighs.

It's odd.

Their relationship had this odd borderline. Sometimes, it was there. Sometimes, it faded. Sometimes, it was a strong, metallic wall. Sometimes, it was weak as one push. And Seijuurou couldn't figure out the differences because the blunette was a natural in being quiet. They sat in the taxi, his hands itching to touch the palish, cool skin but he kept a close distance ― out of respect, who knew. His throat urged a conversation but his brain was reeling with multiple choices. Like, what should he talk about? Basketball? That was ages ago. The divorcement? No, that was too tense to be brought up in times of joie de vivre. So, the taller one sealed his lips. Occasionally, he glanced toward the tufts of blue whilst he watched the city outside.

Sometimes, they were tense. Sometimes, they were calm.

Who knew relationships were never that simple after all. . .

Alas, the two were left alone once more. By means, Chihiro said he wanted to borrow Sakura out ― somehow, he had become attached to the sweet companion of a little girl ― and fled to leave the two to mend their inner problems.

It wasn't the fact that Chihiro had been stalking them or forcing the child to spout out all the information she knew. But it had been obvious, especially when he could feel the air too tight to even breath and unsettling. He really didn't want the child to experience the same mood as he felt. So, away he brought Sakura and left the two alone to brood with their conflict.

I wonder if they'd actually talk about it, the former senior shrugged, Probably, they'll be too dense to even speak a single word. I doubt they'll solve out their conflict.

He sighed, "You know, Sacchan. . . Your guardian parents can be dumb too sometimes."

"Hn? Hey, don't call them dumb! Mommy said that's a bad word!"

Chihiro laughed, "No, no. . . Uncle didn't mean it in a bad way," he swallowed, "Well, I mean it in a different way."

They're just dishonest, that's why. . .

And true to the magnificent Chihiro's words, they're just walking around the streets ― face forward ― not a word, not a problem solved. They're searching for a place to eat actually, but for now, they're just walking aimlessly. Seijuurou watched the skies darkened and breathed out a heavy sigh. They reached to a silent corner of the street, and the blunette grumbled in discomfort.

Perhaps, being just the two of them was not indeed a very good idea at the moment. He noticed the shorter male shifted as their shoulders touched briefly or when his slender fingers brushed against his, and he tried his very best to create gaps after gaps albeit not an obvious borderline.

Again, tonight, he crossed the unpleasant boundary; a strong, hard wall filled with important secrets.

The Akashi heir sighed.

"Tell me, Tetsuya. . . Are you happy?"

The blunette jumped at the question but didn't dare to ask its reasons. He only lowered his head, his voice almost inaudible. "I'm not sure." He huffed, "I guess it felt weird."

"Weird. . .?"

"Maybe we should slow down after all. . ."

"You think so?"

Seijuurou tried to touch his hand briefly but the shorter lad pulled away in haste, panic rose in the pallid blue eyes that the sparkles dimmed out completely. "Yes," he whispered. "Yes. . ." ― he said louder ― "I think. . . I think we're forcing our feelings. I guess, at least. . . It looks that way."

"You see it that way, huh. . ."

There was a glint of disappointment in the redhead's tone, stabbing Tetsuya with an immense of guilt. "I mean ―"

"It's fine. . . It's my fault anyway," Seijuurou clasped his eyes with both hands, trying his best to cover the anxiety that poured down in tears. Inside, he felt bitter and nasty and heavy and confused and all sorts of negativity swirled inside like a batter. "I've done enough to hurt you. I've abandoned you for a year in high school and now I'm cheating on you. . . Tetsuya, why are you ― Kami, why are you still with me?"

He closed his eyes, lowered his body to a certain angle to hide the fact that he was in a downpour of all feelings that buried deep inside of him. Never had the blunette expected for Seijuurou to have a strong anxiety like that. Then again, when had this man been so shallow?

Tetsuya was in loss of either comforting him or leaving him some space. Because he was the source of the tears, and he, too, was fighting against his own. He crouched to caress the smooth contours of Seijuurou's strong jaw. Long fingers smoothed against the warm and wet visage, he traces line against every parts and he wiped the droplets away.

"It doesn't suit you when you cry," the shorter male tipped to match his height and kissed his cheek. "Sei, relationships aren't meant to be perfect. A pair of lovers wouldn't experience true love if they wouldn't know each others' strength and flaws. There's no such thing as an idealistic pair. There's only reality, and reality says that we're meant to be hurt as well as experiencing pleasure. We'll take it slowly, Sei, one step at a time."

When we reached the top together, I'm sure, we'll be two hearts as one again. . .

Odd. . .

It was odd.

Along the process, he knew that Tetsuya had gained his personal strength. He experienced the pain before. A pair of crimson and topaz eyes met the pallid blue. Gone was the plead in his eyes, instead there was only determination and strength.

"I guess you're my strength, Tetsuya. . ."

But one with a submissive soul could never be permanently strong. And Tetsuya broke into tears, smiling as he watched the other in realisation. He embraced the redhead, leaning his head against the strong chest, savouring the moment of what he could deemed it as his achievement. The words he missed hearing, the compliments that ceased to exist by now.

Tetsuya knew he needed no polaroid to remember such moment in his life. At that exact moment, his memories were enough to contain the joy he was keeping in heart.

"Let's take a picture next time, you sweet weirdo."

Seijuurou only smirked as a response.

TO BE CONTINUED

Mozu : Oh hey guys, I have a two week holidays! Yippee! I guess I'm free for a meanwhile and the people I beta doesn't really have requests for now. So, yeah! I'm not putting this on hiatus first. Eheheheheh!

Listening to EDEN's XO and Fumes while writing this. That's why it gets so emotional in the end. Because the song's emotional too. Bahahah!

X for love O for hate! Any suggestions about Philippines, feel free to write it down in review box!

-Mozu The Mochi (2016)