Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters. I do own Kumi, though.
Warning: child abuse and bullying (mostly mentions of it), some dark themes, too much fluffiness sometimes, DRAMA!, unbeta'ed (frankly even unrevised most of the times. Sorry, guys, I'm lazy), my incapability to end a chapter in a happy note (I guess it counts). A real rollercoaster (or at least it' supposed to be).
Author's note:
Guys. I'm back. I didn't even realize such a long time had passed. Seriously, I thought the last time I had updated was November, which is still horrible of me, but better than freaking September. Anyway, I'm gonna put my cards on the table and start telling my usual excuses if you're free and patient enough to read this author's note.
End of the year is always a complicated time for me. I have finals in November and December, not to mention my ballet recital, which takes up my time from the end of September to the end of November.
Second and most important of all: GUYS, DID YOU WATCH YURI! ON ICE? I died. I honest-to-God died. My romance sense, which was already faulty, failed. I was reading YOI fanfic the last couple of months instead of writing and I'm not even ashamed of myself. Too much fluffiness. You should check it out if you haven't seen it. It's so pure. Oh, God.
Well, that's basically it. My excuses, that is.
On another note: I started posting All Things Are Difficult Before They Are Easy (can someone come up with a shorter names for this, Jesus Christ?) on A03. I fell in love with their tags system. It's still not up to date with the one on this site, but it'll be soon enough. Just felt like telling you guys in case you prefer AO3 instead of Fanfiction net.
NOW ADRESSING AN IMPORTANT ISSUE THAT HAS BEEN BROUGHT UP MANY TIMES IN COMMENTS AND PRIVATE MESSAGES: Some of you have told me how much of a drama queen Kumi can be (and not in a mean way, just to be clear. Most of you were respectful and genuinely giving your opinion). First of all, I'm dramatic. I can't write something happy and fluffy without giving a sprinkle of sadness and angst. I've told you guys this so many times already. It's just my nature.
And second - Kumi seems like he's on the edge of a meltdown every chapter because that's how I felt until half year ago. It may seem unrealistic to some of you, I don't know, but that's - honest-to-God - how I felt until June or July last year. I went to a neurologist and he prescribed me meds for bipolar disorder, and whether I have it or not is not the issue. It's just - I felt like I was about to break down every time someone said something bad to me. Even now, if I forget to take my pill for a couple of days, I start to feel like that. Maybe it's just psychological, maybe it's really chemical, who knows? There's this squeezing in my chest like I can't breathe and I might just start to cry and everything feels like the end of the world for the next moments until I'm fine again. It's how I felt and still feel sometimes, so I'm sorry it feels unrealistic to some of you, but it's just how it is.
And after this huge ass rant, here's the chapter!
(THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS! YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! I CAN'T EVEN, OHGOD!)
(Everyone wants ShikaKumi. I want ShikaKumi, guys. What can I do? Some things can't be rushed. This is slow burn. Reaaaally slow burn.)
All Things Are Difficult Before They Are Easy
By Amaryllis D. Namikaze
Chapter XX:
The Mastery
"She was saying goodbye and she didn't even know it."
- Death, The Book Thief, Markus Zusak
"The trick to understand this part is visualization," Suzaku-sensei told me for what felt like the thousandth time.
Frankly, it was way easier said than done. Most of the time, Fūinjutsu came to me as smoothly as controlling my chakra did. Both were my strongest points and I was quite proud of that.
I'd been having difficult weeks for awhile, though. Not only had I started learning how to mold Earth chakra - an entire disgraceful story on its own - Suzaku-sensei had decided that I was ready to start the last stages of my training with him.
Drawing seals on air.
That's right - it sounded as it impossible as it did the first time he said it. I knew it was possible - my brother had done it in the anime and my teacher had done it right in front of me - but still sounded somewhat ludicrous.
Fūinjutsu was logical and detailed. Technically speaking, anyone could learn the basics should they have the patience for it. The high-level seals, however, were different. Some people would never get them. You had to have an instinct for this art, for there could be situations where a brush and chakra-infused paint wouldn't be available. Learning how to work with others supplies was harder than remembering how many uses a symbol had.
Being where I was with my studies, I could draw with practically anything on basically any surface. Infused paint, normal paint, mud, blood, water, even on dirt with my own finger. The surface affected how the seals worked as well, and you were supposed to know how to draw on more than paper - wood, metal, clothes. My teacher had drilled into me the necessity of knowing these things and I had soaked it up, because in war you didn't have the luxury of taking out your supplies and sitting down to write it.
It made utmost sense for me to finally learn how to draw seals on air with pure chakra manipulation.
It was as frustrating as it sounds.
I was capable of many things. I had a giant repertoire of Lightning and Wind techniques and was able to expel Fire, not my natural affinity. I could bring chakra to basically any part of my body to enhance my muscles or senses, even unconsciously when running. I could hang upside down on a tree branch, for goodness' sake. But I sure as hell couldn't expel my chakra in a freaking seal format.
I was visualizing the most simple of seals in my head - an explosive one - but there was no result. I could feel the energy thrumming under my skin, ready to burst out of me, vibrating as if Pop Rock candies were suddenly right over my blood veins.
"Stop," Suzaku-sensei asked, putting his hand over my shoulder.
I broke out of my concentration, noticing how my nails were biting into the palms of my hands.
"You are too tense. Fūinjutsu is a delicate art, you'll never manage this part if you are trying too hard. Take a deep breath and start again."
I nodded, swallowing the disappointment in myself. I loved sealing, but even it could make me feel horrible when I failed. I hated failing. Following Suzaku-sensei's advice, I inhaled slowly, clearing my mind of unwanted thoughts.
First thing first, how should I go on about it? I had the distinct impression that Minato used hand-seals in the anime, though he mostly focused on barrier and time-space seals. My teacher had had none of that. His demonstration had been of a relatively advanced seal, but with no movements. It simply had appeared in front of him as if written from nothing, but molded with chakra.
I decided to ask about it.
"Sensei?"
"Hmm?" He asked, looking up from his cup of tea. The man loved his teabags.
"Is it possible to use hand-seals to draw on air instead of just molding chakra and visualizing?"
He looked at me for a moment, analyzing my uncomfortable expression at his assessing eyes.
"It is," Suzaku-sensei started and I knew better then to interrupt his explanation. "However, those who use hand-seals will have multiple disadvantages harder to overcome if you'd just learnt how to make do without them."
I waited patiently for the explanation that was sure to come.
"First of all, hand-seals are a shortcut. We don't do shortcuts in Fūinjutsu unless you want to end up dead one of these days. Secondly, it takes longer, as you have to adapt each seal you will possibly use to a sequence of hand-seals - some of them already exist, but what if you create a new one? Who will match it with sequence of a hand-seals?"
As Suzaku-sensei kept going on, I thought that it made complete sense. If the anime followed my version of events, Minato was learning Fūinjutsu from Kushina, who only used Uzumaki seals. From what I have seen of their rare classes in my apartment, the redhead hadn't bothered learning other types of seals, because she was talented in the art like any other Uzumaki, but too impatient to dive too deeply into it. Consequently, Minato was only learning about Uzumaki seals, whose trademark was its defensive or time-space characteristics. Being so, most of these seals had been circulating for years and already had a sequence of hand-seals - which explained Minato's usage during the Naruto series.
"And last but most certainly not least: if you can't learn how to draw on air, you'll never be able to work with body-altering seals."
I looked up at my teacher's knowing gaze, interested. I'd been discussing the possibility of creating a body-altering seal with him for a few weeks, which explained the necessity of working on air-drawing.
"Why?"
He set his cup of tea down.
"As you know, drawing on bare flesh is risky. Your entire chakra system is under your skin and even though you can direct energy to the seal through one of its pathways, the chakra does not stop flowing. Even those with an incredible control will find themselves having a hard time activating the seal correctly. That's where air-drawing comes handy - you'll expel your chakra with pin-point precision and activate the seal. Once it's out of your body, the chakra can no longer interact with the pathways and turn the seal against you."
I sighed, still somewhat confused.
"But I have my Grasshopper seal written under the soles of shoes and I make them work just fine," I commented, even going as far as to glance at my shinobi-standard footwear.
"Of course they do, silly student, they're not drawn on you."
"Oh," I realized, embarrassed for my obvious mistake.
Suzaku-sensei smirked, "However, if you manage to nail this exercise, you should be able to jump on air - a feat no shinobi has ever been able to achieve no matter how good is their control over the water-walking exercise, as the Grasshopper is a creation of yours.
"Oh?"
"Instead of jumping an incredible distance, you'd be able to maintain constant seals on air and walk just fine."
"Eh, sensei, you do know about my seal's working and you do know air-drawing, so... Haven't you ever tried to jump on air?"
He ruffled my air, completely destroying my ponytail.
"I didn't want to tell you, maybe let you have the glory of being the first one to achieve this unachievable feat, but if you must now - yes, I have."
"Nee-san, does your tummy hurt?"
I exhaled, losing my concentration. I looked down at Kakashi, who had thrown himself in front of me and was talking to me upside down. I sat over my shins to give him better space.
"Why would you ask that?" I questioned, puzzled.
His dark grey eyes were twinkling in childish amusement. I was happy to notice that even though his graduation was about to happen next spring, a month or so from now, he still retained this sweet personality of his.
(When would it change?)
"Because you were making this face," he said, mimicking my previous expression by tightening his lips and closing his eyelids as hard as he could.
I laughed softly at his try.
"No tummies aching here," I pointed to myself with utmost seriousness before sending a look his way. "Why, does yours hurt? Right here? Or how about here? And here?"
"Nee-san, that tickles!" He squeaked, getting away from my poking fingers. "I'll play with Ren instead!"
I watched him go to the other side of the training ground with a smile. A hand patted my head and I knew without looking - gosh, even without sensing his chakra - that its owner was Chitarō.
"You're surprisingly good with kids."
"Thanks," I smiled up at him, happy to be complimented on something.
"Especially considering that most kids are taller than you despite you already being fourteen and frankly quite difficult to take seriously."
I huffed, "Remind me why I keep talking to you again..."
Chitarō let out a chuckle, sitting down next to me. His hair was sweaty and his breath was uneven from doing his sword katas a few times.
"Well, Ren is even more annoying if you ignore him, if that's even possible. And I'm your way to my brother's heart, trust me."
I blushed to the tips of my hair, hitting his arm.
"You so are not!"
"Huh, not denying your goal, then?"
"Shut up," I groaned, hiding my face in my hands as my best friend laughed beside me. "Sometimes, you're worse than Ren at this crush thingy."
"I call it as I see it, man."
I huffed, exasperated. He smiled at me.
There was a peaceful, silent pause. We had been friends long enough to let unspoken moments not bother us. Kakashi was laughing at something Ren had said, escaping from my teammate's tickling fingers.
"How is Minato's little project progressing?" Chitarō asked, sounding as if trying to fill the silence. I knew better. He was curious, ready to analyze my answer like any good Nara worth their reputation would.
"Fine, I guess. I mean, he doesn't want my help in the practical department, so..." I trailed off, unsure how to put it.
I had been excited when Minato asked for my help. I mean, he was creating the Rasengan and needed my help - as long as he did all the chakra work. I couldn't blame the guy for wanting to be the first one to use his own technique, so I begrudgingly gave pointers about the energy work and the control needed to finish it. I tried not to sound too insightful - as if I already knew what he needed to do to complete the Rasengan and was even aware of the, imagine that, future name of his incomplete technique.
"Uh, he's doing ok, I guess," I finished somewhat lamely.
Chita quirked an eyebrow up at my tone, "If you say so."
I felt the chakra surging in my sensory field even before the turtle-masked ANBU in front of us, so his sudden appearance didn't surprise me. Chitarō, however, just barely managed not to flinch away.
"Namikaze-san, Nara-san," he greeted with a steely voice. He was new to our ranks, because the last turtle-masked ANBU had been more slender and younger. This one sounded like he could be a Jōnin outside our own ranks. "Hokage-same requests you and Yamanaka-san in his office as soon as possible."
"We will head there," Chitarō said, getting up and swiftly pulling his sword sheath on his back.
"Thank you," I added before the ANBU member could flicker away. He acknowledged me with a nod and disappeared in a swirl of leaves.
"Always so polite," Chitarō sighed, as if my politeness ever really bothered him.
"Shut up," I told him, just for the sake of it. He snorted. "C'mon, I'll leave Kakashi with my brother."
Chitarō paused, thoughtful, "Isn't he with Kushina-san right now, though?"
"Yeah, something about a not-date," I replied, because sometimes I was a little shit and it was my job as his younger brother to complicate his love life.
My best friend positively chortled.
When we body-flickered into the Hokage's office, ANBU gear and all, Sakumo-sensei had already been there. His face was indecipherable, looking grave and sad at the same time, but he managed to give us a small smile. He was usually so busy these days training new ANBU teams that seeing him outside mission hours or when I went to his house to bring Kakashi back was an unusual sight.
"Hokage-sama," we murmured, respectfully bowing.
"You can take off your masks," is the first thing he said and an apprehensive feeling settled in the bottom of my stomach. I turned my Deer mask to the side of my head.
The Hokage was still relatively young compared to the Naruto series, but he was no fresh shinobi. There were age lines in his faces, wrinkles of tiredness and stress. He seemed deceptively old and frail sitting on his chair with his official red robes and his long fingers crossed over themselves on the table.
"ANBU Squad Number One," he said and I straightened my back. "I will be giving you your last mission."
My legs felt like jelly.
What?, I wanted to ask, but the words got stuck in my throat, my training in ANBU being the only thing keeping me from shouting in dismay.
"Sir?" Ren hesitantly questioned, unable to help himself. Chitarō usually chastised our friend for being impatient and not following the protocol, but this time he kept silent, seemingly curious himself.
The Hokage sighed.
"Your team captain has been training several ANBU squad in the last few months, yes?" He inquired, mostly as a reminder. "We had talked months ago about creating new First Response Teams, not because your work ethic was subpar, but out of necessity. Skirmishes in the borders are becoming more and more frequent, not to mention the growing number of foreign shinobi trying to enter our land without permission or mission-related reasons. It came to our attention that one First Response Team would quickly be insufficient, so I gave Sakumo the order to prepare at least six other squads."
Everything our leader had said until then had made the utmost sense. Although the rest of my teammates had no idea of this fact and sensei and the Hokage probably only had suspicions about it, a war was brewing and would soon emerge. I had noticed our increased workload, but hadn't made much of it.
Why, though? Why would our team be disbanded?
"At first, there was no reason to dismantle your team. It is a well-oiled machine and has been ever since I assigned you together despite your young ages. However, last week, Nara Suzaku requested a meeting with me and brought one fact to my attention."
I could feel Chitarō and Ren's inquiring gaze, as if I knew what Hokage-sama was talking about. I had no idea. Suzaku-sensei hadn't mentioned anything to me when I met him two days ago for our usual training session. Had I done something wrong? Unforgivable?
Was it my fault?
"Your teammate Namikaze Kumi has achieved Master ranking in Fūinjutsu," and the news took me by surprised and I should be overjoyed, but the only thing I could think about were the words I will be giving you your last mission and why was this happening again? "Which means that he can no longer be in a high-risk team outside warring times."
I took a deep breath. I was more rational than this. I was stronger than my madly beating heart flying out of my cage. Anxiety curled around itself in my throat and I managed to choke my words out.
"We're being disbanded because of me?"
Ah, I thought, dazed, I hadn't meant to say that.
Chita shook my arm, "Hey, don't you dare think that."
"You've achieved one of your dreams, Kumi-chan, there's nothing wrong with that," Ren added, looking equally upset. He linked his hand with mine in an assuring gesture.
Sakumo-sensei looked so relieved at their reaction - good, not resentful - that I cracked a smile. My fears and hesitations were still a mile long, but I could count on these people to keep me grounded and not to work myself to a frenzy.
Much more calmer now, I frowned. Suzaku-sensei had declared me a Master? Air sealing was coming along nicely, in a way, but not that well. Kakashi had been right earlier - I looked like I had stomachache every time I dried to draw on air a more complicated seal.
Hokage-sama cleared his throat, ending our little moment and making us straighten our backs, paying utmost attention. He gave a scroll to Sakumo-sensei, which no doubt contained details of our mission.
"Three days, a team of Iwa shinobi caused a scene in our border with the Grass Country. We suspect that Kusagakure may be slowly being overtaken by the Earth Country and can no longer be trusted, a small mistake we didn't take in account until then."
The Hokage looked at us sharply.
"Your mission is to enter into Earth territory and bring Uchiha Kizoku from their hands. The rest of his team, including his Jōnin-sensei, were killed and burned as not to leave a trace behind. Fortunately, one of our current border teams found the corpses before they could disappear and concluded what had happened Uchiha Kizoku. The Uchiha's Clan Head has been contacted and he requested a specialized team to acquire his heir back."
I dropped my eyes to the floor. Of course Kizouku's death would be a blow to the clan, being the heir and all, but it would never compare with his imprisonment if Iwa decided to make use of his Sharingan. I knew from Mikoto that he managed to develop it a few months-
Mikoto.
Did she know? Was she aware that her brother could be dead right now? No, not dead. The Tsuchikage would be stupid to let this chance go. He has an Uchiha in his clutches, he would want the prized eyes.
"No one else but the Uchiha Clan Head and us knows about the incident. The team who sent us the messaged has been ordered to keep things low. They will receive you in our upper camp and direct you in the right direction. Others details are written in the scroll. This is a mission you cannot fail. You have two hours to prepare. Dismissed."
We instinctively body flickered out of the office without even have to look at each other.
I stared uneasily at my locker. Ren was making last minute checks by my side and Chitarō sat on the bench with his eyes closed, his expression blank. Sakumo-sensei had gone to send a message to our families about our mission. Sometimes there was no time for goodbyes and a piece of paper would have to do. It sounded harsh, but First Response Teams weren't made to be cotton candies.
A bad feeling was making me queasy. I hated it. I hated going on missions with this kind of anxiety curling around me, but there was nothing I could do to control it. Our trained instincts made us over think at times and the only way to relax was to breathe through it.
A part of me wanted to reassure Mikoto that her brother would be fine, that we would bring him back. She loved him even when he was snarky and treated her like garbage. I could understand it in a way - I had never truly hated Sister.
I knew that I couldn't say anything, though. What could I even say? She didn't know about. Better for her. Nothing to worry about for the next few days. Hokage's last words - this is a mission you cannot fail - didn't mean that we had to bring Uchiha Kizoku back alive. Only that we had bring him - and his eyes - back. Even his father, the Clan Head, was surely aware of this fact.
It was harsh. Then again, when wasn't this world harsh and crippling?
"Ready?" Sensei asked, entering the locker room once again.
We nodded, donning our masks.
I pushed every other thought that didn't involve this mission out of my mind. It was our last mission together, the person we were rescuing was Mikoto's little brother, it was one of these dreadful assignments we didn't have time to say goodbye, my new title as Fūinjutsu Master - nothing of that sort mattered.
It would later on, when we came back, but not right then.
It felt easier to breathe this way.