Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of its characters. I do own Kumi, though.

Warning: child abuse and bullying (mostly mentions of it), some dark themes, too much fluffiness sometimes (each chapter less and less frequently, sorry!), DRAMA!, angst everywhere, unbeta'ed (frankly even unrevised most the time. Sorry, guys, I'm lazy.), my incapability to end a chapter in a happy note (I guess you're aware of this by now), a real rollercoaster of emotions.

Author's note:

HELLOOO! Guys, I'm amazed at your patience each passing day, I swear! I feel guilty for not posting frequently and then so, so many of you come up to me and say No problem! Take your time! Your life matters too! WOW! AMAZING!

I'm so grateful. Thank you so much for your patience! Your comments made me laugh and I keep coming back to read them even though I take so long to post a new chapter 'cause they make me so freaking happy.

About last chapter's events:

I'm sorry. Ren died. I killed Ren. I felt like I lost a son, but his death was pretty much set from the beginning. I usually don't have most details ready, but Ren's death was one event that I was never in doubt of. I know, I'm terrible person.

On the other hand: I didn't know so many of you liked my original characters! I was happy with the response, truly. It warmed my heart to see so many people sad over Ren's death (sounds kind sadistic when I say it this way hahahahaha).

I HOPE YOU GUYS WILL FORGIVE ME WITH THE DAWN OF KUMI'S PUBERTY AND SHIKAKU'S SHAMELESS SMUGNESS! I love these two. Well, on with the chapter!

A SPECIAL NOTE:

I created a profile in Wattpad, for those who read there. At the moment, it does not have any of my fanfic stories. It does, however, have an ORIGINAL STORY of yours truly. It's new as fuck and doesn't have many views. I would appreciate anyone who took their precious time to give it a quick read, a shout of encouragement or anything really.

It means a lot to finally post an original story online, even if it's only the beginning for now. I would love to hear what you guys think about it. That's pretty much it.

The story's name is Sleepless and my username is BrunaLCandido

(TL; DR: ALL THE COMMENTS! THE PATIENCE WITH ME! I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOU GUYS!)

All Things Are Difficult Before They Are Easy

By Amaryllis D. Namikaze

Chapter XXII:

The Aftermath

"There is nothing that can take the pain away. But eventually you will find a way to live with it. There will be nightmares. And every day when you wake up, it will the first thing you think about. Until one day, it will be the second thing."

- Raymond Reddington, The Blacklist

There was a funeral. Of course there was. I had felt as if I was floating around the entire time. I couldn't remember most of it.

My friends had all cried into each other shoulders and I could see even Ren's father - one of the toughest guys to ever exist - spilling his own tears. Minato had kept a comforting arm around my shoulders, but it didn't matter at the time.

The real waterworks only came at night, when I sat alone for a few minutes in the bathtub and realized that I'd never see one of my best friends again. My throat closed up and I couldn't breathe and everything was too much and I felt like I was drowning. Sobs were wracking my entire body. I buried my face in my knees, but curling up as small as possible somehow only made me feel worse.

"Kumi," Minato called from the doorway, a tone of sympathy in his voice that I desperately needed. Maybe I was selfish. This wasn't about me. It was about Ren and his smiles and his encouraging words and - and - and -

"Minato," I breathed painfully.

His arms gathered me against his body. I hid my face in his collarbone, my dry-heaving sobs shaking our bodies. I was soaking wet and naked as the day I was born, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Minato kept a firm arm around me while his other hand was busy stroking my scalp. He had recently had a growth spurt - while I was still waiting for one - and his shoulders had broadened visibly. It was comforting to bury my head against his chest and wait for the world to stop.

My brother was silent the entire time we sat at the edge of the bathtub, counting the minutes until I felt like I wouldn't cry my heart out for awhile, at least. When I finally stopped shaking and sobbing, he finally spoke.

"You know," Minato started, casually, "when Mom died, I felt as if everything I ever knew had gone with her. She was our rock when Dad died, when times got tough, when I felt bad - and, suddenly, there was no ground under me anymore."

I looked up at his face, curious. Minato never talked about Mom. The only thing I know was that he had also received letters, but he never mentioned what was written on his and I never asked.

"I was supposed to take care of you, arrange a new housing, pay our bills someway, somehow because the orphans' fund would never cover everything. Every time I screwed up I thought to myself how it'd been ten times easier if Mom hadn't up and died, you know? And then I felt guilty. Because it wasn't her fault she had died. And it's not like she abandoned us without fighting."

Minato stopped for a moment. He was hesitating - and that in itself was strange.

"But, even so, even knowing all this, there were times... when I was... alone, I guess, that I'd cry and cry like a baby, because I couldn't handle it. I thought this pain in my chest would never fade away. I would think 'Why me?' and I wasn't sure I'd be strong enough to keep going and pretending everything ok."

He sighed.

"This burning ache inside your chest will fade away, day by day. Some days will harder. Some days you won't even think about it. We can honor the dead, but we're not supposed to mourn forever. It would be disrespectful to live in the past when we're the one who still have a future ahead of us."

Minato kissed my forehead, combing a few hair strands back. I felt better, as if the giant storm inside me had been muted to a paler shade of gray.

"Cry as much as you want for as long as you need, little brother."

Despite spending the last minutes spilling tears and snot everywhere, a dry sob escaped my mouth. My brother smiled the smallest twist up of lips ever, looked at me with love and sympathy and everything in between, and left me alone to my tears this time.

("I'm kinda selfish, though, cry a lot for me before you start being fine, ok? I'll be watching.")

For your first loss:

Kumi,

Sweetheart, keep moving forward. You are my little warrior. It'll feel like a battlefield within you, but victory will come. It won't last forever. I would know.

Love,

Mom.

Time passed painfully fast.

Our team was supposed to be disbanded in first place, though the actual day it happened made me sad still. Sakumo-sensei had probably been in, at least, a dozen teams and lost many, many teammates along his way to his legendary fame. It was easier on him, but no less painful. I would bet he felt ten times guiltier than I did, being the captain and everything. He busied himself training the new First Response Teams and I kept one eye on Kakashi when he wasn't at the Academy or preparing for his graduation exam.

Chitarō was whisked away by his father for a few days at a time, supposedly being taught the last round of Nara techniques he would learn before being considered a passable heir in case something happened to Shikaku. In between those training retreats - if they could be called that -, however, we met up and talked about Ren.

We cried together more times than I could count on both hands. Even so, it made us feel better. In a way. As if Yamanaka Ren wasn't a figment of our imagination or a passing cloud floating away forever. Remembering funny days and sad days and difficult days made Ren seem concrete - an unshakable presence in our life.

Not seeing each other every day the weeks that followed our team's separation, on the other hand, was what helped the most. If I had to see Sakumo-sensei and Chitarō with the frequency I used to do so, I was sure I'd crumble in front of them like a tower of cards blown away by the wind. I would topple over and make a mess of everything.

The good news amidst the storm: Minato was right. I stopped constantly feeling a burning feeling in my chest. There was a fire being gently kept, but no wood to feed it. It would burn out and the only remains would be ashes and the memory of warmth. I could live with this.

(Probably.)

The one person I did meet up with every other day was Mikoto. My best girl friend was in tatters. She had lost both her brother and one of her dearest friends in one go - no time for a breather. Her entire future had changed in front of her - she would be the Clan Head's wife instead of simply his sister.

I, of course, had known about this ever since I met her. I hadn't even known about her brother's existence in the Naruto series. After meeting Kizoku and confirming his presence in her life, I simply deduced he would die mid-war or something inconsequential like that. Something that didn't, well, involve me. Or my failures. Or my burdens.

(I was selfish bastard, I guess. Sometimes.)

The one who kept me afloat, for the most part, was Kakashi.

Don't get me wrong: Minato's words were the ones that rang in ears every freaking day; when I felt like giving up, like my throat was closing up once more and I couldn't breathe, Minato's words were the trick that kept me clear-minded.

The person who made me have a reason to get up each painful morning, however, was Kakashi.

He was only a tiny child, barely out of toddlerhood, but he kept it together better than most of us. The last time he had seen Ren, his graduation was set to happen a month from then. Their last words to each other were something along the lines of "You better go, Ren-nii" and "Count me in". The fact Kakashi went on to the Academy day after day, determined more than ever to graduate, made me realize that I was weaker than I wanted to be.

If a child of five could wear the big boy breeches, well, then so could I.

"Chitarō, Kumi-chan, dinner is ready. Go wash your hands," Chita's mother, Suzume, called from the doorway.

Chita rolled his eyes all the way from his bed. He sighed, "I swear she nags me harder each birthday I get through."

I laughed. It sounded a little bit dry to my ears, but it was a laugh nonetheless. I would get better. Eventually.

"Well, your birth is a cause for celebration. Isn't sixteen remarkable or something?"

It was March 8th. Kakashi's graduation, three days from now, was the month's biggest occurrence - that is, according to Chitarō, who loathed birthday celebrations, including his own. Which happened to be today.

I partially agreed with him. I couldn't bear having the attention of everybody during my own birthday, so, most of the time, I never celebrated with anybody except my brother in the actual day and with my friends in a restaurant date or whatever. Other people's birthday didn't make me sleepy or bothered like Chita, though.

(Ren was the enthusiastic one. He loved big parties and being the center of attention. It was his birthday, he'd say. It was his day.)

"Sixteen is just a number," Chitarō said, shrugging. He stood up, letting out a yawn the size of a basketball ball. "Call my brother, will you? Two doors down from mine."

Without giving me a chance to say No or even maybe Hell no, Chita left. I could hear the mean bastard whistling a cheery tune and his steps while marching down the stairs.

Apparently, Ren's death didn't mean the end of the Getting Kumi in Awkward Situations Because of his Crush mission. One hell of a mission.

Hell.

Knowing there was no backing out, I dutifully walked two doors down from Chitarō's room and knocked on the hardwood in front of my face. Waiting for the voice to allow my entrance, I stared at door's wooden patterns. So interesting. So gorgeous. Not nervous whatsoever.

(This crush business was getting harder with age.)

I frowned.

Wasn't Shikaku in his room?

I pressed my ear to the door, trying to listen inside. There was a sort of huffing sound, completely indistinct. I turned the doorknob, curious.

The scene that greeted me would forever make my blood rush to my face every time I thought of it.

Shikaku was sitting on his bed with his back to the wall. He was shirtless - which may be attributed to the fact that he was actually naked. One hand was in his hair, pushing it back from his sweaty face, and the other one was in between his-

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Shikaku was just-

I just-

He's naked from head to toe, my mind helpfully supplied, as if I couldn't realize it with my own eyes.

In his birthday suit, really.

Birthday.

"Huh, y-your mother is calling," I stuttered, not sure if my words held any meaning. "Dinner is ready. Birthday sui-birthday dinner! Uh. Bye!"

And I closed the door as quickly as I had opened it.

I dug my face into my hands, wishing I could bury my entire body instead. This had to be the most embarrassing moments of my life - and I wasn't even the one naked.

I darted down the aisle as soon as I heard Shikaku moving about in his room, probably getting into some clothes. I wasn't staying there. There was no way I could ever look into his eyes again.

I had to look into his eyes the entire dinner.

He sat beside his mother at the dinner table, which meant his face was right in front of mine. Which meant I had to look into eyes and just see the smugness and self-assurance of a guy who was more confident than I'd ever be in two lifetimes.

I wasn't the one found naked, but it certainly felt like I was. I was sure even my blonde hair was red from embarrassment.

"You ok?" Chita asked when I sat down, raising his eyebrows at my flaming cheeks.

I nodded, incapable of speech. Did I even know how to speak anymore?

Once Shikaku sat down, we started eating. It was an assortment of Chitarō's favorite foods: takikomi gohan, potato korokke and tonkatsu with ponzu sauce. It was an unusually heavy meal, as I had gotten used to eating to Asian standards.

(There was a bowl with nattō beans.

Nobody in the Nara family was a fan of nattō. Chitarō and Shikaku, to be honest, both hated it.

Ren had loved it.

Everyone ate a spoonful of it.)

I tried to concentrate on my food bowls. Having so many of them kind of helped in keeping me busy. There was the rice bowl. The potato plate. The pork breaded plate. Oh, look, nattō.

I did not have to look at Shikaku.

We sang the Birthday Song. Suzume-san cut the strawberry shortcake into pieces and fed us until I felt I was about to explode from too much food intake. I drank the genmaicha tea when it was offered at end of the meal with my eyes firmly on my hands holding the cup.

Chita started asking the real questions as soon as we got up from the table.

"Why are you so red? And why were you so quiet during the meal? I mean, we're not talkers, but I didn't even hear your voice, dude."

Shikaku, who was walking towards his room in front us, let out a snort.

Ensue immediate blush.

"I am not red," I denied.

"Uh-huh," he sounded out, unconvinced.

Shikaku decided to pipe in, "The truth, Chita, is that-"

Without having to even think about it, I threw myself at Shikaku, covering his mouth his my hand. He was considerably taller than me - at least forty centimeters or so - which made our position awkward to say the least. His eyes were looking down at me with a mischievous glint.

"The truth?" Chitarō quirked an eyebrow up, crossing his arms at his chest.

"The truth," I started saying, "is that absolutely nothing happened. Shikaku is just trying to be funny."

I looked up at him.

"Aren't you?"

He made a noise of agreement behind my hand. I could feel a smirk behind the palm of my hand, in fact.

"See? Nothing- Oh, my God! Why did you do that?" I screeched when I felt a slimy tongue licking my hand.

Chitarō was laughing so much he was bent at the waist. I wiped my hand on Shikaku's shirt, mostly for show - frankly, after having blood splattered on your clothes, nothing can top that.

The older Nara shot one look at his brother's smiling face. His eyes were as analitycal as ever, even though his mouth was relaxing in relief. He smirked once more in my direction - damn Nara and their smirks, they were worse than the Uchihas and the Hyūgas, for God's sake - before turning around and leaving.

I observed Chita's expression - the way his eyes were lighting up, the way his shoulders were looser than before. I was glad Shikaku hadn't told his brother about the actual situation, but at this moment, looking at my best friend's amused face, I felt as if I wouldn't have minded it if he had decided to spill the entire encounter with gory details.

Even if my face would have turned irrevocably red.

"Waaaaait," Kushina's shrilled in a way that only she could. "You achieved Master rank in Fūinjutsu? Awesome, 'ttebane!"

She had come to eat at our apartment. Even though she mostly irritated me to no end with that personality of her, I couldn't deny how good she was for my brother (well, now. The future grated on my nerves). She made him light up. Minato was a calm guy, never rushing, always worried. With Kushina, he loosened up a little.

(Ever since I had heard his confessions on not knowing what to do when Mom died, I began to look at my brother in new light. He was just human and, even if he seemed unshakable most of the time, Minato wasn't made of iron.)

"I thought Minato-nii had told you, to be honest," I confessed. Not that I would bring up my achievements, much less to Kushina, but Minato liked to brag about what I could do. Older brother's rights, he called it. It was sort of cute, sort of bury me now please.

"Nope. The dumbass. Well, with everything happening, I'm not surprised," she started saying, clamping up as soon as my expression turned somber.

I didn't want to talk about Ren's death anymore. It was something to cry about into my pillow some nights. The urge to talk about my feelings had been minimal from the start.

"No matter," Kushina covered up. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks," I said.

Thankfully, I didn't have to think up about another subject matter, as Minato brought the pot of sukyaki to the table. We passed around bowls of rice and set to eat.

Both of them chatted while I contributed with an opinion here or there. I wasn't one to talk, after all. Most of my conversations went over in my mind. Not in an schizophrenic way, just in a I'm an introvert with social issues kind of way. If I let out of mouth everything I thought, people would label me a sarcastic asshole.

Didn't Shikaku say he liked when I was sarcastic or something?, I wondered, before pausing.

Puberty. That's what my problem was - puberty. I had accepted my crush on Shikaku if only because of Ren's constant nagging ("Feelings shouldn't be suppressed, Kumi-chan!"), but I usually managed to ignore it. He was straight as they come, a playboy and, most important of all, had a pre-determined future.

My sole purpose was to save my brother and as many people as I could. There was no falling in love in this list. No fucking up canon characters' future either. Butterfly effect and everything.

"-mi? Kumi?" my brother called, waving a hand in front of my face.

Rude.

"Huh? Sorry, what?"

"I was telling Kushina about how Hokage-sama called me into his office today," Minato said.

I frowned, puzzled.

"Did you do something wrong?"

Minato was a Jōnin. He was called into the Hokage's office fairly frequently, since he was supposed to lead a rotation of team of Chūnins into diverse missions. He wouldn't be telling me about this if he had been called there for a simple mission.

Minato huffed in amusement.

"Far from that, apparently. He asked me if I wanted to mentor Kakashi-kun when he graduates tomorrow. The new Genin teams will be assigned next week and, even though Kakashi-kun got the best score of his class, he still is only five years old. Hokage-sama is worried he won't fit in."

Well, the Hokage got it right. Kakashi was going to become a Chūnin at age six, if I wasn't mistaken. This kid wasn't your average Joe.

Kushina jumped up on her seat, "You told him yes, right? You're perfect for the role of a mentor! You're patient, kind, likes to teach-"

She would've kept prattling on about Minato's good points if he didn't interrupt her with an embarrassed laugh and a wave of his hand.

"Kushina! Wait, wait! I told him I'd think about it and tell him tomorrow. It's not like I can make a decision like this on the spot. And," now he glanced at me," I wondered if Kumi wouldn't feel... bothered, I guess."

I let out a surprised sound.

"Bothered? Why?"

"Well, you're the one who takes care of Kakashi-kun practically every day. I-I mean, I don't blame Sakumo-san or anything, but he does tend to leave Kakashi-kun alone most of the time."

I frowned, "You thought I'd want to be Kakashi's mentor instead?"

Minato nodded. Kushina observed in silence, for once.

I was dumbfounded. The thought had never crossed my mind. The events of the Naruto series were so heavy on my mind that I didn't dare thinking about changing them.

Who knew what would happen if Minato didn't become Kakashi's teacher? Would Kakashi even meet Rin and Obito? Would Rin not die? Would Obito not turn bad? Or would everything be even more fucked up?

"Oh," I spoke, remembering Minato wanted a reply. "I don't mind. I mean, Hokage-sama certainly knows best. I'm only fourteen, I'm not even a Jōnin and I'm..."

I'm all messed up.

Not only because of Ren's death. I had been messed up before. I had a lifetime of bullying and abuse on my back and another lifetime of killing on my shoulders. I had one set of parents plus one Mother dead. I had had Sister, the perfect example of indifference. I had just left ANBU's First Response Team, which made me leave my only family to go to missions without saying goodbye, unsure of my return.

These kind of things didn't leave people unscarred. Not to mention my own inability to face up my fears. I had enough with my brother's death hanging over my head. I didn't need to be responsible for Kakashi's possible demise should he be my student.

I didn't want to be responsible for anyone.

I wasn't sure my responsibility of taking care of other lives would win up against my flight instinct.

A team I could handle. I wasn't the leader. I had teammates as capable as I was. Their deaths wouldn't be my fault.

(Ren's death hadn't been my fault. I couldn't have known. I couldn't prevent it.

It was not my fault.)

Minato touched my shoulder, "You ok?" he asked.

I nodded.

"You should accept Hokage-sama's proposition first thing in the morning tomorrow. Not to mention I'm sure Kakashi will love it. He thinks you're cool, you know."

Minato's cheeks gained a red tint. He scratched his cheek. His embarrassed tick.

"He does?"

Kushina was trying to contain her snorts from the other side of the table.

"He's always saying how you were the first one to become Jōnin, how you're creating your own technique, how your Taijutsu looks sooo awesome," I tried to replicate Kakashi's tone.

He was such a cute kid.

Minato, for the sake of everything sacred, don't let this kid become an asshole, I prayed. I was going to do my part on Sakumo-sensei. I wasn't about to let my teacher become so depressed he just went and killed himself with no disregard of who would find his body.

"Alright, then. I'll tell Hokage-sama tomorrow," he announced.

Kushina pouted, crossing her arms, "You guys are leaving me behind, 'ttebane! I need some kind of achievement too!"

Minato laughed. My lips twitched.

The thing about Kushina was - she was annoying, brash, too honest, a little slow on the outtake and would possibly be one of the factors of my brother's death. What I couldn't deny was her lively personality. Between Chita's calm demeanor and mine, I was kind of missing a talkative third person.

Mikoto was lovely, but she was like me and Chita. Tsume was too hotheaded and crude to match Ren's mischievous enthusiasm. Kihito was as sophisticated as the Hokage's son could be with a temper that could rival Tsume's.

Our group would never be the same, I thought.

I bit my lower lip, feeling the now familiar burn in my eyes. I wasn't about to cry over Ren's death at the dinner table. The atmosphere was nice, for once. Chita had laughed like crazy at his birthday over mine and Shikaku's predicament. I was sure I could manage too.

I breathed in deeply.

(This burning ache inside your chest will fade away, day by day.

Some days will harder.

Some days you won't even think about it.

This was my new mantra. )