You sprinted down the halls of the senate unable to contain your excitement. Anakin would be flying in soon, and you wanted to be there to see him. It felt like you hadn't seen your friend in ages, but that was mostly your feelings talking. You had no trouble admitting to yourself that you were fond of him, but as he was a Jedi you had no chance. Every day you wished he would begin to see you differently, but he never did.
You pushed the thought aside, just happy to see him soon. You slowed your pace slightly when you got to the landing pad, and watched as the ship pulled in. There was a group of politicians waiting to speak with Chancellor Palpatine who Anakin and Obi-Wan had been sent to rescue. It wouldn't be very polite to charge through them; so you looked around them as the door opened. You could hear your heart pounding in your ears and told yourself to calm down. Your heart hardly listened to you, but it slowed as you waited behind the politicians.
The crowd swarmed Chancellor Palpatine when they saw him, and immediately whisked him away. After they had cleared, you saw Anakin jogging toward you. You wrapped your arms around him as he pulled you into a hug.
"Hello, Y/N," he greeted you. "I'm glad to see you, old friend." You hugged him closer as you realized how much you missed him. You wanted to be with him more often, but he was always off being a hero. Sometimes you wished he would just forget being a Jedi, but you knew it was what he wanted.
"It's been a while," you said more plainly than you had intended. Your mind had been wandering and you weren't thinking about what you were saying. You scolded yourself internally for your cold response. You stood there for a little bit thinking of what to say to make up for your rudeness. After an awkward pause your cheeks started to flush, so you turned and walked back inside. You heard Anakin follow quickly behind you.
"Is everything alright?" he asked. You wanted to tell him what you were thinking, but it wasn't fair to him. He chose to be a Jedi; no one made him. After a deep breath, you decided that you would push the thoughts of you and Anakin together aside so you could talk with him like you used to. You quickly regained your composure and smiled at Anakin.
"Yes, everything's fine," you assured him.
He smiled and walked beside you. "You know, I thought about you when I was saving the chancellor," he said. Great, that wasn't helping anything.
You laughed. "You must have thought about how much I don't like politics," you joked. Anakin chuckled.
"Not quiet," he responded. "I was thinking that you would make a good Jedi." Your stomach sank. The thought of being a Jedi had never appealed to you. The Council had offered for you to train as one when you were young, but even then you didn't like the idea. You had hoped that you would find someone to love, and, apparently, you didn't care if they loved you back. Anakin saw the look on your face and tried to change your mind.
"Just think about it," he pushed. "You're already force sensitive and we could fight together-"
"It's too late for me to learn that," you pointed out.
He stopped as he considered what you said. "I could teach you," he said. "I'm going to be a Jedi master soon, and, even though you couldn't be my padawan, I could teach you some things."
You shook your head and smiled. "Anakin, I'm happy with my job," you said. You currently worked for Senator Amidala, mostly tidying up. It wasn't as glamorous as being a Jedi Knight and saving the Chancellor, but you appreciated it.
He shrugged. "It was just a thought." He nudged your arm and rolled his eyes. "And don't worry, my master has no problem telling me when a thought is, as he puts it, 'outlandish'." You laughed and kept walking, but when you looked behind you Anakin hadn't moved.
"Are you coming?" you asked. He was looking off at something in the distance, and you could tell he wasn't going to follow you.
"I'll catch up," he announced. Once again, you and Anakin wouldn't have much time to talk. It frustrated you that you couldn't even walk a hallway and have a nice conversation without an interruption.
You frowned. "OK, but I do have work."
"Well, I'll talk to you later," he decided absentmindedly. You wanted to point out that by the time your work would be done, the sun would have set, and you'd have to sleep. But, you knew that that was just how things worked between with him. You never really had time to have a real conversation anymore, it was mostly just pleasantries. Occasionally you might be able to ask for a word of advice, or a particular event that had happened, but that's all it ever was.
Anakin nodded, and you turned around and went to work.
You knocked on the door to Padme's room. You waited for an answer, but didn't get one. She had said she would be there, but when you walked in the room was empty. For a second you weren't sure what to do, but it felt wrong to just stand there. You didn't feel much like working though. You tried to stop thinking of Anakin, but the way he walked off unsettled you. Obviously he was busy, but there was something else. You could feel it. You started cleaning, but halfway through the chore, the door opened. Padme walked in, but froze when she saw you.
"Y/N," she gasped. "I thought I left you a note saying to take the rest of the day off."
You looked around expecting to see it somewhere. "I'm sorry I haven't seen it," you said. You were distracted by the nervousness you sensed from her. Sensing emotions was one of your better skills and you knew you weren't wrong. Surely she wasn't upset that you had cleaned her room.
"Oh, well, you can go," she said as she made a strange gesture with her hands. You didn't think it was intended for you. She was less offering and more telling you to go home, but you suddenly didn't want to. It wasn't any of your business, but you couldn't help being curious. Nevertheless, you walked out the door and offered your help one more time. She declined, and the next thing you knew, you were out in the hallway with a door in your face. Why were your friends acting so strange? She was a senator, of course she must have secrets, but you couldn't shake the feeling that the secret was specifically against you. Was it possible you were going to be fired? That didn't seem right, but you couldn't be sure.
"Y/N." You jumped when you heard Anakin's voice behind you. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you."
"It's alright," you laughed nervously. "I actually wanted to talk to you."
"What is it?" he questioned. For the first time you felt Anakin being impatient with you. It wasn't in his tone, but it was in the air. Maybe you were wrong with what you felt this time. Maybe you sensed something else.
"Do you think Senator Amidala is alright?" you asked. This wasn't what you wanted to talk about, but you liked talking to Anakin about what was on your mind.
Anakin seemed to look right through you. "She seemed alright to me," he said. "I was actually assigned for her security. I'm on my way to see her now."
It was clear he didn't want to talk. You stood in silence for a while until he excused himself, and you started sulking away from the door. You weren't really thinking, but you were upset. Surely you hadn't done anything to make Anakin mad at you. Maybe he was just on edge about the whole mission, and needed some time alone.
You decided you would sleep on it. But soon you were in your bed tossing and turning all night not sleeping on anything.
It was still dark when you woke, but you found it impossible to fall back asleep. So, you got up. You still felt badly that you had judged him when he had done nothing wrong. An apology was definitely
You got dressed and went to see if Senator Amidala was awake so you could start work early. Before you were about to knock, you froze. Eavesdropping, of course, isn't something you'd ever try to do, but you couldn't help yourself when you heard voices behind the door. The voices were nearly inaudible, and you were practically lying on the door to make out the words. You heard Senator Amidala talking soothingly.
"It was just a dream," she was saying.
"I won't let this one come true." You froze. You knew immediately who was in the room with her though you didn't want to believe it. You knew he said he was protecting Padme, but surely that wouldn't mean staying in the same room?
"Anakin?" you barely whispered his name. After yesterday, you didn't want to jump to conclusions, but your heart was pounding. You knocked at the door more harshly than you intended. "Senator Amidala?" you called. You heard footsteps heading toward you.
The door creaked open a little bit and Padme Amidala's face appeared squinting in the hall light. "Y/N? It's so early, what are you doing here?"
"Couldn't sleep," you responded simply. "May I start my work early?" You bit your tongue as you waited for her response.
"I'm actually still a bit tired, but come back in an hour and you can start, okay?" She started to close the door, but you quickly spoke up.
"Are you okay?" you asked.
The senator opened the door again, and looked at you quizzically. "Yes, I'm fine," she replied hesitantly. You knew she was fine before she had said anything. You expected that answer.
"Then why did you call for Anakin?" It wasn't your place to talk to her like this, and you even considered dropping it and convincing yourself you hadn't heard Anakin. But that would never work because you knew it was him.
Padme stepped outside the door and closed it behind her. You thought you sensed panic coming from her, but your emotions were clouding your senses. "Y/N, I haven't called for Anakin." She put her hand on your shoulder and started guiding you away from the door. "It's early, maybe we should get you back to bed."
You quickly brushed her hand off your shoulder. "I don't need to go to bed!" you snapped. "I need you to stop lying to me!" Padme straightened her posture.
"I told you, I didn't call for Anakin. If you'll excuse me, I'm going back to bed." She turned around and went back into her room.
You felt like you had been punched in the gut and your head was spinning. You knew you were right. You stood there a while, caught up in such a mix of emotions you couldn't move. Jedi weren't supposed to have attachments, but being a Jedi didn't make you inhuman. Your eyes filled with tears and you hurried back to your room.
It hurt more than you thought it would. You would never have thought that Anakin would break the Jedi code. But he had broken it, and not for you. Not for someone he had known since the beginning of his apprenticeship. Not for someone whom he had shared burdens with. Not his closest friend. He chose a senator who happened to be your boss.
You were beyond frustrated. You were furious. You were angry at the Jedi and their codes. You were angry at yourself for not seeing this would happen. And most of all you were angry with Anakin. Maybe you shouldn't have been mad at him, but you didn't care. It was so incredibly stupid for him to be so blind about your feelings for him. No you weren't expecting him to like you just because you liked him, but you thought he would at least have the decency to tell you that he was already breaking the rules for someone else.
Would Padme still be expecting you to see her in an hour? If there was a chance you still had your job, would you even want to go back? Out of the list of people you were angry with, she wasn't one of them. It wasn't her fault; it was Anakin's. And any friendship you and Padme may have had was gone thanks to him.
You curled up in a ball on your bed and cried silently. You had to decide within the hour.
You tried for two days, but you couldn't continue working for Senator Amidala. It was only a few months ago you had quit, but, in your opinion, it was for the better. You found yourself a new job caring for younglings, and between the training and the childish mischief you never really had time to think about that morning. It was perfect. You loved your work and you hated looking back.
You were on your way to a group of younglings now. Their teacher had been called to an emergency meeting during his training session, and you were to watch them until he returned. It was a simple enough task in words, but you knew what young children could get up to, and you picked up your pace so they wouldn't be unsupervised for much longer.
When you got there, the younglings were all sitting quietly in their seats. It was strange to see. You were used to seeing younglings chasing each other around and causing a ruckus in the short time their masters were out. It took you a while, but you realized that with the war between the Jedi and the Separatists would be taking a toll on their teacher. Training was most likely not the most fun activity with your teacher so stressed.
You did your best to keep them busy, but something just wasn't right. They were all quiet, and you found even yourself being of low energy. There was something dark and heavy in the air, but you couldn't put your finger on what it was.
An hour passed before you started listening to your gut. The force was disturbed, which made you anxious. You tried to pass it off as paranoia, but you knew that wasn't the case. After making a quick, and admittedly terrible, plan, you jumped into action.
"Everyone listen closely," you addressed the younglings. "I'm going to find Master Jencil. I want you all to get behind the chairs and be as quiet as you can."
You stood at the door waiting until everyone was in their place. Once you were satisfied you left the room and quickly made your way to the council room. Empty. Your nerves were about as close to the edge as they could be. If they weren't in the the council room, they must be in the conference room.
You made your way there as quickly as you could. As you turned the corner to the conference room, you noticed the door was closed. You slowed your pace, scared of what you would find on the other side. You made your way over to the control panel and opened the door.
Nothing would have prepared you for what you saw. The whole conference committee was sprawled across the floor without a single sign of life. You could feel the coldness in the air, and a horrible shiver went down your spine. You closed your eyes as you tried to wipe the image from your mind.
You wanted to rush to them and see if there was any chance they would be alive, but you stood there with only one thought in your mind. The children. You had left the children alone and scared. Your head was spinning at the thought of what could happen to them. As soon as you could walk again, you bolted for the training room your younglings were hiding in.
When the doors slid open, exactly what you had feared was waiting on the other side. All the younglings, every last one, were on the floor unmoving. You froze as the breath escaped your lungs and the room spun. You had let this happen. You left them alone when you were supposed to be watching them. You were supposed to care for them. Your eyes filled with tears as you fell to the ground, unable to take your eyes away from the still children. You felt this was all your fault. The sense of death was putrid, and you couldn't stand to be there. But you couldn't move. You had no choice but to sit there, terrified of what you were seeing.
It was only when your head had barely cleared when you saw him. A man in dark robes that fell to the floor was walking toward you. You couldn't see who he was at first, but when your eyes focused, your heart sank. Walking toward you, lightsaber in hand, was Anakin Skywalker.
You wanted to scream, but you had lost your voice. You wanted to run, but you were petrified. You wanted above all else for your eyes to be deceiving you, but there was no mistake. Anakin had murdered these children.
"Y/N," he said your name so softly you could scarcely hear him.
"You did this..." You could barely choke out the words. Anakin lowered his head, and you saw his cheeks were stained with tears.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. You didn't even have time to process what was happening before Anakins lightsaber was pierced through your abdomen. With a sharp gasp you crumpled to the floor. Anakin held you in his arms. You heard his sobs, but they were getting quieter as you slowly lost consciousness.
"Forgive me," he choked. "It was the only way to save her. I'm sorry." He held you close to him, and kissed the top of your head. "I'm so sorry."
After that night, you had spent years as a ghost dwelling with the Jedi who had died. At first you wished you would have just died and let that be the end. You didn't want to remember what had happened. You felt like one worthless ghost among other ghosts who all seemed to have a purpose. They always had someone to follow and guide, but you had no one. Your family had died when you were young, and everyone you considered a friend was just as dead as you were. The only "friend" you had who was alive was Anakin and he had stabbed you in the back.
Even though that was true you still wanted to see him. You wanted to see what had happened to him, and why he had done those terrible things. You were about to give up hope and wander around the afterlife aimlessly. But then you heard of Anakin's children; a boy and a girl.
Luke and Leia, you decided, were the ones you would help. You would guide them and try to keep them from their father's ways. Losing them to the dark side was not an option. The full twenty-three years you had been with the twins had led to this moment. Against all odds, Luke had brought the good out of Anakin, before he had died. And now Anakin was going to join the ranks of the fallen Jedi. Suddenly you felt the presence of something behind you. You turned around to see Anakin standing there. You stared at him for a while, not sure what to say. What was there to say? Good to see you. Probably not. You felt your eyes fill with tears, and you looked at the sky to keep the tears back. You should say something before you fall apart. Apparently Anakin had the same idea and you both started talking at once.
"I-"
"Y/N-"
You turned your gaze to the ground and gestured for him to speak. Anakin stepped closer to you, and you impulsively stepped back.
"Y/N, please let me explain." he said. You wanted to hear what he had to say, but you couldn't hold back the scoff that left your lips.
"Explain what, Anakin?" you snapped. "Explain how you killed a room of innocent people? Explain h-how you murdered younglings?" Tears were streaming down your face as you stepped closer to Anakin. "Explain how though all we've been through together: Through wars, through pain, through distance, you could muster up enough strength to kill your friend just because she figured out your secret."
"No, you've got it all wrong-" he said.
"Have I?" you asked, appalled. "Do you mean to tell me that the trail of death leading to you standing over those dead younglings, and then killing me was all a big misunderstanding?" You threw your hands up in frustration. "I was going to keep your secret. Yes, what you did hurt me, Anakin, but I wasn't going to tell anyone because I loved you." You paused for a moment as you listened to the words in the air for the first time. They sounded strange now, like they didn't belong there. And it felt like that because of what he had done. "I would've kept your secret." you repeated. "You didn't have to kill me!"
"I didn't want to!" he choked out. He looked at you, and you could tell his eyes were pleading for you to understand. "He told me it was the only way to save Padme."
You had lost your voice and you could barely get your next question out. "Who told you that?"
Anakin took a deep breath, knowing that no answer would be a good one. "The Chancellor," he said, ashamedly. Before you could say anything he began explaining again. "She was going to die, Y/N. I saw it. Padme wasn't going to make it through childbirth. I had to do something!" he said desperately. "He told me that you and I were meant to be together, and the only way to save Padme was to get rid of you."
"And you listened to him..." you whispered.
"It was the only way." he breathed.
After a long moment of silence, you furrowed your brow and brushed past Anakin.
"Y/N, please. I-I'm sorry I never meant for all this to happen."
You froze, but you didn't look back. "I can't imagine you did." You turned around and looked him in the eyes. "But now that blood is on your hands, and there is no way for me to help you." You walked away before he could say anything else. If you were going to live in the same world you'd have to talk to him again, but things would never be the same.