Pirate Lingo

CS Genre: Future fic with a bit of bonus Hook vs Modern World

Killian would never in his life complain about a weekend spent exclusively with Swan and her lad, but he had to say the events of the last couple of days were odd to say the least.

It all started when he and his True Love (now wife) were awoken way too bloody early by the ringing of Swan's talking phone. She'd groaned, cursed, and then (reluctantly) pushed back the covers and stepped out of his embrace so that she could answer the infernal contraption.

After a brief conversation, she'd returned to bed, snuggled up to him and mumbled something about needing to see about her apartment in New York, before falling immediately back to sleep.

When they'd finally awoken and headed down to the kitchen to start breakfast, Emma had explained to him and Henry that her landlord had called to inform her that, as her lease was up at the end of the month, he was planning to rent the domicile to a new tenet.

"So, you guys up for a mini-vacation?" she'd asked before turning back to the stove to flip over her pancakes. "I need to pack up all our stuff, kid, and bring it back here."

Killian smiled, and leaned in for a quick kiss before pouring himself a cup of coffee. "I've certainly no objection to a journey with you love, nor to the chance to explore more of your world."

"I'm in too!" Henry said excitedly, "especially if we get to take a plane! Besides, if we go back to the apartment, maybe I'll get a chance to see some of my New York friends!"

"I don't see why not," Emma answered. "And, yeah. I think flying is definitely the way to go. It'll cut way down on the travel time."

Emma flipped the last pancake onto the serving platter, and the three of them sat down to their breakfast. They ate companionably while Henry went on and on about the things he wanted to do when they got back to New York—and the sites he wanted to show Killian.

Suddenly, Henry sat up tall, his eyes becoming wide as saucers. "Mom! This is perfect!"

"What's perfect, kid?"

"Don't you remember what this Monday is? September 19?" he asked.

Suddenly Emma smiled broadly, shot a quick, rather devious, grin in Killian's direction, and then nodded. "Oh this is going to be perfect. We're sure to win this year, kid."

~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s~

And so it was on the following morning that the three of them had piled in Emma's yellow vessel and travelled to a huge, confusing complex called the "airport". Killian had marveled as Emma and her lad pushed buttons into the magic boxes when they'd first entered the building.

"We're checking in," Henry said. "Mom bought our tickets online, and this computer will give them to us."

Sure enough, after poking and prodding the machine's screen for a few moments, it spit out small slips of paper that Killian realized were tickets that would allow them to board this "airplane" that would convey them to their intended destination.

Things had only become more confusing—and concerning—from there. When Henry had asked to purchase some victuals from one of the establishments lining the various walls, Emma had glanced at her watch and then shook her head.

"Sorry, kid," she said. "We're cutting it a little close this morning. Better get through security first, then we can see about food."

She'd then turned to Killian, concern creasing her brow. "Look, Killian. I should probably warn you about security before we get there. Everybody has to go through these things called metal detectors to make sure they're not gonna bring a weapon on the plane or anything. And…well…there are some kind of odd requirements."

"Aye?" he asked, feeling a bit nervous at the gravity of her tone.

"Yeah," she said. "Everybody's got to put their bags and jewelry and phones and coats and…well…shoes on this conveyor belt so that they can check them separately."

Killian stared at her blankly for a moment, and then let out a loud guffaw. "Quite amusing, Swan!"

"Yeah…" Henry said. "She wasn't kidding, Killian."

"You mean to tell me," Killian said, looking suspiciously from one of his loved ones to the other, "that employees of this establishment require patrons to remove their shoes? What possibly could be the reason, love?"

"Turns out some idiot put a bomb in his shoe once," she said with a roll of the eyes. "Now they gotta take precautions."

It seemed utterly ridiculous and unaccountable to Killian, but when it came time for the three of them to go through the security checkpoint, he'd obediently removed his boots, placed all his personal effects in a bin, and then stepped into what was called a "full body scanner".

When the monotone security officer told him he was free to go, Killian breathed a sigh of relief. In the next queue, he noticed another man being taken aside and manhandled after the scanner he'd inhabited began blinking brightly. The man submitted meekly to the officer's attentions before being deemed not a threat. (Personally, Killian wondered at the man's docility. He, himself, allowed no one but Swan herself to touch his person that intimately; certainly not a security guard he'd never before met!)

The Swan-Jones family wandered around for a time, stopping by an eating establishment and something Henry called a souvenir stand, before settling into seats in what was called the "terminal". Best Killian could tell, a terminal was something akin to a port where air vessels docked to let passengers embark and disembark.

When it came time to board the plane, they'd walked through a narrow archway, through a small door, and into a small room full of seats. Emma, Henry and he found their assigned seats and settled in.

But it wasn't until the plane "took off" that Killian truly became concerned. The plane took off down the "runway" at an alarming, astronomical speed, and Killian grabbed the arm rest next to him with such force, his knuckles whitened.

"Hey," Emma said in a low voice, prying his hand free and lacing her fingers with his, "I know this is weird, but we're going to be fine. I promise."

Swan's calm, soothing voice was a reassurance, but still, Killian couldn't quite stop the yelp he made when the front of the plan suddenly rose from the ground, and the large metal contraption headed into the sky.

"Trust me, Killian," Emma said again, giving his hand a squeeze. "I've flown more times than I can count. This is going to be okay. Besides, if you can find a way to survive the Underworld after you're already dead, this should be a piece of cake!"

He gave her a long look, and then deliberately smoothed out his brow and smiled at her. "Aye Swan. I trust you. Always."

The flight had gone without event, and in little more than an hour, the plane returned to the ground, and gradually coasted to a stop. Killian let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding as he exited the plane into the large, loud, bustling, colorful world of New York City.

Killian spent the remainder of the day and the next in fascination, as he helped his wife pack up her belongings for transport back to Storybrooke, and as he accompanied both Swan and her lad as they excitedly showed him all their favorite sights of the city.

~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s~

And that brought them to today, Monday, September 19. The day dawned crisp and clear, and Killian relished the feeling of lying in the circle of his beloved wife's arms, both of them lying upon Swan's luxurious bed.

Emma woke and yawned largely, then leaning over, she kissed him good morning. "Killian, would you be willing to do something for me today?"

Killian smoothed her wayward hair away from her face and smiled. "For you, my love? Anything."

She returned his smile. "Good. So…would you wear your pirate coat and hook today?"

Killian didn't know what he expected Swan's request to be, but it certainly wasn't that. "You…you wish me to dress as a pirate, love? But previous to today you wished me to blend into your world."

She shrugged. "I know. It's just…would you do this one thing for me? I promise I'll make it worth your while."

"If you put it that way, my lady," Killian said with a grin "how could I refuse?"

When Killian emerged from the bedroom half an hour later, he was clad in full pirate regalia, complete with coat, leather pants, boots, hook, earring and eyeliner.

"He looks perfect," Henry said upon first sight of his step-dad. "We'll get more loot than ever today, mom! I'm sure of it."

"We'll get more…what…lad?" Killian asked, wondered if he'd somehow wandered into another one of the blasted author's alternative realities. Was Swan's lad planning for the three of them to commit acts of piracy today?

"Loot," Henry said, "treasure, the goods. You know, Killian, free stuff."

"And…I presume we are not planning to obtain said booty by illegal means?" he asked slowly, "after all, lad, we are living with the sheriff of our town."

"Of course not by stealing it!" Henry said. "We'll get people to give us stuff just by you being…well…you."

"Ah, I see," Killian said with a smirk. "You wish to trade on me debonair looks to make the lasses swoon at my feet and provide us what we wish."

"That better not be your plan, Hook," Emma warned, "unless you want to sleep on the couch tonight.

Killian immediately raised his hand and hook in surrender. "I wouldn't dream of it, love."

"What Henry meant," Emma explained, "is that you don't need to do anything but be yourself. And trust me; I have a feeling we're going to see more than a few pirates running around today.

~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s~

"Oh, you look fantastic!" said the chipper older woman standing behind the counter at the tiny bagel shop a couple of blocks from Swan's apartment. "You sail in on the Jolly Roger, pirate?"

Killian sent startled looks in Emma and Henry's direction. "Beg, pardon love? How the bloody hell do you know about me ship?"

The daft woman simply laughed, clapping her hands delightedly together. "You've got the lingo down. Haven't see you around before, any of the three of you. Where you from?"

"I originally hail from the Enchanted Forest, love," Killian said, "but I've since taken up residence in a small town in Maine."

"The Enchanted Forest, huh?" she said with a grin. Abruptly, she turned toward the back room. "Herb! Get out here! We got the best one yet!"

Killian's brows furrowed and he leaned down to Emma. "Is the poor woman, daft, love?"

Emma's eyes sparkled, and she bit at her bottom lip, evidently struggling to keep laughter in check. "No, babe, she's not. It's just…I'll explain in a bit, I promise. Just keep doing what you're doing."

"We're so getting the free bagels today, mom!" Henry whispered.

"You got that right, kid."

As the woman at the counter waited for "Herb" to join her, two men entered the café. Killian's eyes widened at the outlandish, rather buffoonish garb the pair wore.

"Have a face full o' me boot ye jelly boned thumb suckin' crud bucket !" one growled to the other.

"Go slam yer head on a marlin spike ye pig faced, butt scratchin' scurvy baboon!" the other responded.

"Argggggh!" The first said, pulling a plastic sword from a scabbard at his side.

"No, you argggh!" The second shouted raising…bloody hell!...was that a garish plastic hook he was waving in the first bloke's face?

Killian's brows rose nearly to his forehead, and he turned toward Swan, expecting her to draw her weapon and arrest the two idiots before her for disturbing the peace. To his consternation, she merely watched the display with amusement.

"You're simply going to let those bilge rats brawl right within this establishment, love?" He asked.

Emma shrugged, but as it happened, she wasn't the only one who heard his whispered questions. One of the imbeciles, the one who held his sword as though it were a club, turned outraged eyes toward Killian and said "Hey! Who you calling bilge rats?"

"Yeah!" agreed the hooked man. "Come 'ere an' have a cutlass sandwich, ye jumped up, grass combin' chunk o' bat spit!"

Killian raised his hook, scowling fiercely at the ridiculous men. "I'd watch my tone if I were you, mate, unless you wish to find my hook buried in your chest."

"Calm down, buddy," the hooked man said, taking a step back. "It's all just fun and games."

The first man rolled his eyes and turned toward his companion. "Kill my parrot will ye? I'm gonna knot yer legs together ye butt ugly dung diggin wiggly maggot !"

Abruptly, both men turned toward the couple behind the counter (Herb apparently having finally made his appearance), and smiled broadly. "So what d'ya think, Marge?" The first one asked. "We winners again this year?"

Marge looked over the pair, and then looked at Killian, and then back at the other men. "Sorry guys. Looks like we have a new winner this year."

She turned toward Killian, Emma and Henry. "Congratulations, Mr. Enchanted Forest. Breakfast's on the house for the three of you today. What can I get you?"

~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s~c~s

"You mean to tell me, love, that your realm has a holiday exclusively devoted to the way pirates talk?" Killian asked, one brow raised.

Emma chuckled. "Yeah, when you say it like that, 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' does sound kind of crazy, but hey, people like pirates. They enjoy this day."

"Especially mom," Henry said, taking a seat on the couch later that evening and setting up his "video game", which he'd assured Killian he had to experience as well.

Killian smirked at his wife. "Really, love? I rather knew it, you know. Even while under Regina's memory curse you couldn't help but fall for my devilish good looks."

Emma smiled tenderly as she took her seat near her boys. "You know," she said reflectively, "I think a part of me always loved you. Even when I didn't have a clue who you were."

"Truly, love?" Killian asked, taking his eyes from the television to cast an adoring look at Emma.

"Yeah," Emma said. "During that whole missing year I had this weird thing for pirates. I didn't understand it, but…I mean, part of me always missed you. Thanks for playing along and being a good sport this morning."

Killian set down small control Henry put in his hand, rose to his feet, and gave Emma a kiss for the ages. Emma returned the kiss with abandon, wrapping her arms around her husband's neck.

"Guys, really?" Henry muttered in disgust. "I know you like to make out all the time, but Killian and I have some serious zombies to slay here! We've got the whole world to save!"

Killian pulled back with a chuckle. "My apologies, love, but it would seem duty calls."

Emma smiled. "Better get to it, then." She watched as her husband turned back toward Henry and his video game console. Impulsively, Emma leaned in and spoke for Killian's ears only. "And babe? Once you're done saving the world, I'll be waiting for a little pillaging and plundering from my own personal pirate."

Notes:

-Happy Friday! I'm really ready for the weekend this week!

-So, the plan was to write a canon divergence scene from 5a to show what might have been if Killian had never been cut by Excalibur, but then plans changed. I became aware that this coming Monday is national Talk Like a Pirate day, and the muse just took off. I'll save the canon divergence for a later date.

-By the way, the insults the guys in the bagel shop were tossing at each other (and Killian) came directly from a "pirate insult generator" I found on the internet. It was very amusing clicking through those!

-Up next: A deleted scene from the six weeks of peace between 4a and 4b. I'll be "recycling" a prompt that I wrote for a Tumblr CS Group Prompt project: David catches CS in a compromising/private moment.