Chapter Three

Finally.

Finally, finally, finally.

My school was doing Hamilton. After two weeks of waiting patiently, waiting for something other than Shakespeare - not that Shakespeare was horrible - it had finally come. My wish was fulfilled.

Well, not quite. I still had to audition and actually get in, but that didn't stop me from running around the house screaming my head off, and posting the information on my wall because I was so happy. Ian probably thought I was going crazy.

That was fine. I had a chance to play in Hamilton! This was the moment I'd been waiting for!

"To put it in Hamil-terms," I said, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling, out of breath from running around, "I am not throwing away my shot."

I smiled widely. I couldn't wait to tell Mom about this.

Even though I knew it might not happen, and probably wouldn't, I let myself fantasize for a while about what would happen if I did make the role of Eliza. My crush would play Alexander, and someone else cute would play Aaron Burr. I'd wait until the performance to pour my heart out with singing, and surprise everyone around me. They'd be talking about it, and somehow, Mom would manage to be there. Dad would take off from work, and they would watch me as I became a star.

But then a line from another musical, Les Miserables, came into my mind. "But there are dreams that cannot be." I knew that Mom wouldn't be getting out of the hospital anytime soon, and Dad probably wouldn't be able to make it, even if I did get in.

But even as my smile faded, I told myself that, for the first time, I had a chance. I was going to take that chance, and pour everything I had into it. In a small part of my subconscious, I knew that it would hurt more if I failed. But that was life, wasn't it? Try your hardest, then get back up again if you fail. And, no matter what, I would always do it with a smile on my face. There was no better way to go through life than to go through smiling.

The darkest part of my mind reminded me that I wouldn't be smiling if Mom's cancer killed her.

I pushed it away. I'd told myself that I wouldn't think about those things.

"Kenzee! Dad's home," Ian called from the hallway.

I sat up and glanced at the clock. It was only 4:30. Why was Dad home already?

After setting the copy of the Hamilton announcement from our school on my desk, I hurried to the kitchen, where my dad stood. He hadn't taken off his coat, and his phone was still in his hand, which told me that he was leaving again soon.

"Dad?"

"Hey, Zee." He smiled at me. "You guys ready to go?"

Ian glanced at me, looking as confused as I felt.

"Go where?" I asked.

His smile widened. "It's a surprise. Hop in the car."

I grabbed my phone and my coat, throwing it on as I walked out the door. Whatever this surprise was, if it was enough for my dad to take off of work, then it was enough for me. Ian hurried right behind me.

"I call shotgun!" he shouted.

"Only if you get there first!" I shouted back.

Unfortunately, Ian had longer legs than me, and quickly outran me. I huffed as I opened the door to the backseat and climbed in.

"It's not fair that you're faster," I said, sulking.

"Sorry," he laughed, which proved that he wasn't sorry at all.

Once Dad had gotten in and started the car, I tried again. "So where are we going?"

"I said it's a surprise. Don't worry, you'll like it."

"Hm… Okay."

I took careful note of where we were driving, trying to figure out where we were headed. We were on the road to the hospital, and we continued on that way for about ten minutes before he took the exit, away from the hospital. Distantly, I remembered that this was the way we used to take to the restaurant Ian requested every year for his birthday. A slight thrill of excitement ran through me, but I pushed it down, telling myself not to get my hopes up. We hadn't gone to that restaurant in forever.

But I couldn't help it as Dad took the right turns that would lead us to Tokyo Beat, the family's not favorite, but accepted restaurant since it was Ian's favorite. Unlike its name, it didn't only serve Japanese food. I supposed Ian liked it for the style of the building, and the spicy food. He was obsessed with spicy food for some reason. Me? I took the salad.

I couldn't wait any longer. "Are we going to Tokyo Beat?" I asked.

Dad's smile gave me my answer.

"Yes!" Ian pumped his fist. I laughed. I was happy to see him excited about something for the first time in a while.

"But that's not the only part," Dad said.

We both quieted in anticipation of what we would find when we rounded that last corner. Dad turned the car, then pulled into Tokyo Beat's large parking lot. It was a Wednesday night, so it wasn't terribly busy. As we drove by the entrance, Ian said, "Kenzee, look."

I pressed my face to the window. "Where?"

"The van."

I searched until I saw a vehicle that I recognized as a hospital van, used for transporting patients with the proper care. I gasped.

"Dad, is Mom…?"

His smile again gave me the answer I longed for. Mom was in the restaurant! I didn't know how they'd gotten it to work, but for the first time in about a half a year, we were going to have a real family dinner. Not one crowded around her bed, or in the hospital diner. A real restaurant.

My knees bounced up and down as Dad found a parking spot. I'd already taken my seatbelt off, so I threw open the door and nearly ran to the entrance, trying to wait for Dad and Ian as they caught up. Dad checked us in, then pointed us to where Mom was sitting.

It was by our favorite table, under the 'spiky light,' as I used to call it. The light didn't quite reach the dark spots of the corner, so the ambience was that of twilight. It was pretty, as it usually was, with the soft gray colors accenting the dark and light blue of the walls and chairs.

But all that was forgotten as I looked at my mother, who was sitting up for the first time in weeks.

I ran forward and hugged her, ignoring the tubes that were connected to her, and not caring about the cloth that wrapped around her head.

"Hi, honey," she whispered.

"Hi." I laughed a little. "I'm so happy you're here."

She smiled widely, letting it light up her whole face. "Me too. I was doing a lot better today than most days, so the doctor said I could get out for a while."

I nodded, smiling, then laughed again and said, "I'm so happy."

I stepped back to let Ian hug Mom, then he stepped back for Dad. I couldn't stop smiling. It made me feel like everything was right in the world when my Dad and my Mom were together. As long as we were together as a family, nothing could go wrong.

Who cares if it isn't true, McKenzee? Let yourself be happy now!

So I did. I laughed with my family as we ate and exchanged stories about school, work, and things that happened at the hospital, some of which were actually quite entertaining.

But as the seconds stretched into minutes upon minutes, I could see the way Mom's figure had begun to slouch slightly, her face bearing a smile less often, and some of the light disappearing from her eyes. The lamp that shone over our table illuminated the dark corners once again, but it was lonelier now, and nearly half of the people had left.

"Think it's about time to call it a night?" Dad said.

Mom smiled, but the tightness around her mouth told us that she was tired. "I'm so glad that we could have this tonight. I miss all of you so much."
I stood up and gave her a hug. "I miss you too, Mom."

Ian joined me a moment later. "We all do."

But once her nurse came around, we said one more goodbye, then let Dad say his goodbye as we walked towards the door. We waited outside for him, listening to the sounds of the small city. I pulled my jacket more tightly around me as a cold breeze swept across the parking lot.

"You didn't tell Mom about Hamilton," Ian said.

I suddenly realized that I had forgotten all about it. "I guess I didn't. It's all right. I mean it doesn't mean much unless I get in, which I will," I added.

He smiled. "I'm sure you will."

I looked up at the stars, hard to see because of the surrounding lights.

"Ian, do you feel small?"

"Do I… What?"

"Do you ever feel like your problems are insignificant?"

"I mean, sometimes I feel like I'm not worth or don't deserve certain attention, but I don't know. Why?"

I was silent for a moment before saying, "How come our problems seem so big sometimes? I mean, you know those nights when there's not a cloud in the sky, everything is totally silent, and you can see trillions of stars?"

"I love those nights."

"Why does…" I gestured with my hands, not sure how to put what I was thinking into words. "How can we…"

"How can we make such a big deal of our lives when there are seven billion other people in the world who don't even know we exist? And why do the stars make us seem insignificant?"

I focused on one star that was brighter than the others. "Yeah. Exactly."

"Hm."

"I'm scared, Ian." I glanced back at him. He was still watching the stars. "Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay. I'm scared too. Anyone would be."

"Okay."

We heard the door open behind us and turned around to see Dad exiting. He had a tight and worn smile on his face as he strode towards us, taking the keys out of his pocket and fingering them.

"The nurses will take care of Mom," he told us. "Let's go."

We followed him to the car. I looked to the sky one last time before climbing into my seat.

We drove home in silence.

()()()

The next day was Saturday, and I slept in until noon. I had nothing to do that day, absolutely nothing. Ian only came out of his room to eat, so I knew that he was in a don't-talk-to-me-I'm-feeling-antisocial-today mood. I could relate as I sat on the couch - not sat, more like sprawled - with a bowl of popcorn in my lap and Netflix on the TV. I knew that there were probably other, more productive things I could be doing than this, but, frankly, I didn't really feel like it.

After at least two hours of zero-productivity, I heard a knock on the door. I stood up quickly, attempting to smooth my frizzy hair and straighten my shirt before going to answer it. I opened it, and Jordyn was standing there, a smile on her face.

"You are a mess," she announced before marching in and closing the door behind her.

"It's just a lazy Saturday," I defended myself. "Don't tell me you've never had one of those."

She looked at me incredulously, which I took as a 'no.'

"Come on, it's nearly 3. Let's do something together."

"Like what?"

She shrugged. "Bike ride?"

I groaned. "That means I have to wear something other than pajamas."

"Nah, nobody will care."

I thought about it. "Yeah, you're right. I'mma let Ian know where I'm going, then I'll be right out. There's popcorn on the counter if you want some."

I ran down the hallway to Ian's room and, when he didn't answer my knock, I eased the door open. He was sitting at his desk, his head resting on his arms. When he heard me enter, he lifted his head and looked at me with bleary eyes.

I smiled. "If you're tired, you should take a real nap, not a desk nap."

"Hm…"

"I'm going on a bike ride with Jordyn, okay? I'll be back soon."

"Mkay."

I slowly backed out and said, "Okay, see you later."

"Bye."

After closing the door behind me, I turned and walked to the kitchen to see Jordyn casually tipping the bowl back to get the last kernels in her mouth. She quickly set it down when she saw me watching her.

I shook my head. "I don't get how you can eat all the hard ones."

She shrugged. "They're fun to chew."

"You know you're gonna be chewing them for the next twenty minutes, right?"

She shrugged again. "I like the taste."

"Okay, then. Did you ride your bike over here?"

"Yep."

I laced on my combat boots over my PJs and threw on a hoodie. Definitely the new style in this part of Wisconsin.

My bike was old, rusty, and it squealed every time I pedaled, but I didn't mind. It still worked.

We biked out of the driveway and onto the pothole-filled road, enjoying the breeze that pushed us forward.

"So we're doing Hamilton," Jordyn said.

I nodded. "I'm trying out for Eliza."

"You'd be good at that. I heard Keith is going for Burr."

I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I heard him talking to his friends about it."

I kept my smile to myself. My crush was playing my favorite character. Perfect.

"I, um, also heard that Tristan is trying out for Alexander Hamilton."

My smile curved downwards. "Perfect. They're both annoying and loud-mouthed."

She raised her eyebrows at me.

"Sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound so harsh. Alexander is a lot better than Tristan. He's not annoying. Well, maybe to Jefferson."

Jordyn laughed a little. "I know what you mean. Tristan is very annoying."

"Who are you trying out for?"

She hesitated. "I'm not sure. I don't think I'll get in anyway."

"Well, you're definitely not to get in if you think like that. Tell me who you want to try out for."

She was quiet for a moment, then said, "Angelica."

I felt a smile creep over my face. "Do you know how perfect that would be? You have to try out. That would be awesome."

She smiled, too. "Maybe I will."

We biked around town for a while before turning around and heading back. As we neared my house again, Jordyn said, "Well, I guess we'd better start practicing then."

"That's right. We can practice together sometime."

"Yeah, we could do Schuyler sisters. And Ruby can play Peggy."

I laughed at the sight of Jordyn's little sister singing, 'and Peggy.'

"And Ian can play Aaron Burr."

I nodded. "I think he'd like that."

We biked into my driveway and parked our bikes by our garage. Once we were inside, Jordyn said that she was going to use the bathroom as I went to go check on Ian.

When I looked in his room, he was crashed on his bed. I wondered if he'd been sleeping this whole time.

"Kenzee?"

I turned around. Jordyn had a worried look on her face.

"What's wrong?"

"You might want to see this."

My heart was pounding as I followed her to the bathroom. When I looked inside, my breath caught in my throat.

I could only stare at the previously halfway-filled bottle of pills that was now empty.

Not again.

Heyo I'm alive. I know, I should've had plenty of time to write since we're in quarantine now, but I've been working on my novel since that had a deadline, and this really didn't, but here it is now. I kinda wrote the ending pretty quickly, so it's not the best cliffhanger, but lemme know what you think :) At least it's sorta long….? Anywho sorry for the wait again, hopefully more updates will be quicker. Thanks to all my reviewers! Reviews mean a lot to me :)

Hope you enjoyed the chapter!