I'm Just a Human Kid Part I
Voight was pointing to the whiteboard and it's myriad of pictures and crisscrossed lines that tentatively held their case together. The team was attempting to group dealers and buyers from low level to the top of the pyramid and finally get this laced heroin off of the street. But it had been slow going, and didn't look like it was going to get any better, at least not anytime soon. Jay had two late nights in a row and woke up last night to find Liam standing over him. When he asked what was wrong the boy just told him that he wanted to see if he was home. The guilt rattled him the rest of the night and had continued to work on him throughout the morning.
He felt his phone buzz and looked down to see it was Liam's school calling. He stood up and stated he needed to take the call and was already turning to leave the room when Voight gave a slight head nod indicating it was fine. He answered the phone and at first his biggest concern was that Liam was sick, but that soon turned out to be what he could only wish for. He walked back into the room his face clearly reflecting the turmoil that had seeped deep inside him in only seconds.
"Is there a problem?" Voight asked after seeing Jay enter the room.
"That was Liam's school." Jay began. "He's not there."
"What do you mean he's not there?" Ruzek asked.
"He wasn't there for attendance. They checked to make sure he wasn't in the bathroom, office or nurse's office. So they called to ask me if he was home sick."
"Is he?" Burgess asked gently.
"No. I dropped him off at school myself. It's the only time we've had together the last few days. He was fine."
"Maybe he's skipping class," Kevin offered. "Do ten year old's skip school?"
Jay ran his hand through his hair, clearly agitated. "I don't know if they do or not. But Liam doesn't."
"He hasn't," Voight stated clarifying the subject. "You've had late nights. Maybe he's just trying to get your attention. Did you try his phone?"
"Yeah, of course. I called, it went straight to voice mail. I got on my app tracker and it indicates his phone is off. Sarge, I'll admit I'm kinda freaking out here."
"Okay. First, take a breath. You dropped him off at school. Did you see him go inside?"
"No. You have to clear the drop-off lane as soon as your kid gets out of the car."
"Does the school have cameras facing outside?"
"Just the one aimed by the front door where they buzz you inside if you're a visitor. Nothing that reaches the street."
"Kim, call the school, have them triple check that he isn't there and see if any of his friends are out too. Maybe a group of them decided to go off book today."
"Sure thing Sarge. Jay, what school does he go to?" Kim asked.
Jay was clearly lost in thought causing Burgess to have to ask again. "Um, Burr Elementary." He finally responded.
She nodded as Upton planted herself next to Jay. "Why don't we find a recent picture of him." She suggested.
"Yes. We'll get it to Trudy who can get it out to patrol. What was he wearing Jay?" Jay still looked shellshocked. "Hey, I'm going to need you to focus. What was he wearing?" Hank asked.
"Um, yeah, sorry. He had on, jeans, navy blue Nike's, and a—sweatshirt, a hoodie, it was nice outside so he didn't really need a coat." He explained as if he was worried about being judged on Liam's outerwear.
"What color was the sweatshirt?" Hailey asked.
Jay blinked. He closed his eyes as if he was trying to focus. "Black. It said Army on it and had the white and gold star. His backpack is blue and gray and he has a baseball key chain attached to the zipper." Hailey took his phone from him and began to scroll though the pictures. "My texting." Jay said.
"What?"
"Will sent me a picture from last weekend of Liam at the Science Museum. There's a good one of him in front of one of the exhibits. I just haven't saved it yet."
"Here it is," she said forwarding the picture to her phone. "I'll get the picture and description to Trudy."
Kim got off the phone. "No luck. He doesn't seem to be in the building. There are only a few absent and none them seem to be friends with Liam."
"Talk to me Jay. Did anything happen recently that might cause him to rebel? Act out? Walk with me." Voight said heading to his office. "Sit," he directed. "I know you've put in a lot of hours and I know he hates it when you work a lot—perhaps he's trying to send you a message."
"Have we arrested anyone that knows I'm a father?" Jay asked. He, and everyone else never mentioned his fatherhood while working a case, for obvious reasons.
"We'll look at that. But there's nothing on the radar recently that stands out."
"Maybe it's not from a recent case," Jay suggested.
"Is there something going on?" Hank pushed. "Look, you know as well as I do that everything has to be considered."
Jay nodded and told Hank about Friday and Saturday night. Their arguments and Liam's accusations. "But Sunday was fine. We had great afternoon and evening. The last couple of nights I got home after he was in bed, but Ellie, my sitter, said he seemed fine. We did our usual routine of morning exercise."
"And you're sure that the speeding car was a reckless neighbor?"
"Yeah. I went down last night and the car was there. I knocked on the door since there was a light on and spoke to the kids father. He promised to take the keys away for a week. But it all matched up. He admitted his son had already gotten two tickets and had been out that Sunday evening." Jay finished, but his face wore emotions he had yet to explain.
"What are you still not telling me? Halstead, spit it out or I can't help you and I can't help Liam. You know that I love that kid, that we all do. He is the one consistent ray of sunshine in our lives. So tell me what the hell else is going on!" Hank ordered, the volume of his voice escalating with each word.
So Jay did. He told him about his short meeting with Liam James and all that he said. When he was finished a shudder went through his body. "Look Sarge, let's go to my place, I want to see if he went home. Maybe he just went home."
"Sure, we'll go. Both of us, and we'll continue to talk about this new family dynamic that you just revealed."
Voight drove while Jay filled him in with more details of the meeting and what it may or may not mean. But as Voight pulled up to the apartment Jay was practically out of the SUV before it rolled to a stop. He ran to the outside door, nearly dropping the keys in his haste. He managed to get the door open and ran to their apartment door and fumbled with the keys again. He flung the door open and cried out for his son. He looked around and didn't see the boys backpack or any other evidence that he had come home. Hank came inside, his eye's searching for anything abnormal.
"Nothing," Jay said coming from Liam's room.
"Okay. Anywhere else in the neighborhood he might go? A park, playground? What about the 606? You said you were just there. Would he go back there?"
"Maybe. I don't know. Let me see if his bike is here." Jay ran down the basement stairs while Hank looked through the apartment one more time.
"Maybe he's at Ellie's," Jay said running back up the steps.
"His bike still here?"
"Yeah, just where I put it." He stood in the hallway waiting for Voight so he could shut the apartment up again. "Let's check Ellie's apartment. Maybe for some reason he went over there." Jay said again.
"But she'd probably call you wouldn't she?" Hank asked.
"Yeah." Jay agreed as he pulled out his phone to check for anything new that he might have missed, but found nothing. "Maybe she isn't home. We both have a key to her house, for emergencies, whatever they might be. But she told me she had given him one."
They marched across the street, Jay using his key to get into the building and then pounding on Ellie's door to no avail. "Look, she's not home. Use the key." Hank advised as he looked up and down the hallway.
Jay jammed the key into the locks and swung the door in and began to call out for his son. They both looked around, any awkwardness that Jay had might have felt initially about being in this woman's house without her knowledge melted away as he searched the rooms. "No sign Sarge."
"Okay. You call her and tell her what's going on, she can keep an eye out on your place in case he comes back here."
"Jay?!" The middle-aged woman shrieked, her hand to her heart as she came from the end of the hallway. "I was just in the basement. What are you doing here?"
"Liam isn't at school. I was hoping that maybe he was at home or your place." Jay explained. His adrenaline, continuing to rev him up.
"Oh no. I haven't seen him. Do you want me to go over to your place in case he comes back home?"
"Would you?" Jay asked.
"Of course. Let me just get a few things then I'll go right over. I'll let you know if I hear or see anything."
"Great. Thanks." Jay said, his concern leaking through every pore.
"No problem. Please let me know if you find him. Jay, I'm sure he's fine. Just enjoying the pretty day."
"Yeah. Sure," Jay said even though this was unlike his son to skip school, he wasn't perfect by any means, but he was rarely so openly defiant.
Back at the vehicle, they climbed in and sat for a moment dealing with disappointment as their best hope of finding the boy had evaporated. Voight looked over and studied Jay as the man stared straight ahead. He was certain his mind was full of tiny explosions firing all over his brain or one giant explosion that had nullified the entire thought process leaving a void of emptiness. In these situations it seemed it didn't matter what ones training was, being a parent took precedence and with that, all normality ground to a halt.
He had always thought of Halstead as a spring, coiled too tightly, always waiting to burst forth. He could see the tension underneath Jay's skin, as if it had a life of its own. He was always pulled taut, as if you could bounce a quarter off of him, like a well-made bed.
"I was just thinking of that time when you disobeyed my orders last year and chased after that arsonist." Voight said. "You weren't going to take no for an answer."
"Yeah," Jay said, breaking free from his silence. "You chewed me out big time for that."
"Because you deserved it. You could have died. And all I could think of was that I was the one that would have to tell your son that you were killed that day because I didn't do my job. Because I couldn't protect you.
"Do you have any idea how devastating your death would be for him? But you let your emotions run away with you and it nearly ended in disaster."
Jay wasn't sure what to think about where this conversation was heading. "I get it boss."
"Did you? Do you? Because I would have been the one to watch the devastation wash over his face. To watch him grow up without you."
"I screwed up, I had lost my mind. My dad and I were never close and always clashed on everything my whole life, until the day he died. But Liam—Liam was the one thing that could bring a smile to his face—just about the only thing. I just want my son to be okay. I can't handle—I can't lose—we have to find him." Jay said, his thoughts and words skipping around.
"And you're telling me everything?"
"Yes." Jay lied, he thought he pulled it off but his eyes and mannerisms betrayed him.
"Okay then," Voight replied shaking his head, wondering what was still being hidden and why. Where else Jay? Where else would he go? What are his favorite places?"
"Um, the Loop, the Riverwalk, the Bean in Millennium Park, Grant Park and the fountain. A lot of places Sarge. Oh, Lincoln Park Zoo."
"Let's try the zoo since that's the closest. Then we'll head downtown."
As they pulled away from the curb Jay spoke. "He knew I had been shot that day. Last year, when I was chasing the man responsible for the arson. I told him I had tackled a suspect and fell down some stairs. I lied to protect him. But he just told me last weekend that he knew, he had watched the news and put it together that I had been the CPD officer that had been wounded while attempting to apprehend the suspect. He held onto that knowledge for a year, without saying anything."
"He's a smart kid. Which is why I know that he is just fine, or will be. And when we do find him, he'll have his ass handed to him just like you were."
"Yeah," Jay said, his voice catching in his throat.
"You both hold things too tightly. You wrap yourself up in this angst and pain and don't let anyone see it. You kept telling me through that entire ordeal that you were okay and I left you alone, because I wanted to believe it. Just like I let you handle it with Camila except you weren't handling and I didn't push you. But those days are over. Now your son is hopefully just skipping school, but even if that is the case he is still running around the city alone and anything could happen to him. Or perhaps it is something more sinister, so whatever you're holding back you might want to rethink it." Hank finished as cut through a side street to save time as Jay gave the slightest of nods.
While Voight and Halstead searched the zoo, the park and surrounding neighborhood, the rest of the team checked in with patrol, the school and canvassed the neighborhood surrounding the school. They pulled footage from area cameras and were able to find out that the boy seemed to leave of his own accord. They were able to follow him several blocks using various cameras until he seemingly disappeared.
Jay stood near the Buckingham Fountain in Grant park ready to fall apart. They had searched everywhere he could think that Liam would go, but of course only could see so much of each area. The Loop was large space and it was full of employees who were trying to get where they needed to go along with tourists who had no idea where they were going. They both checked for anyone shorter than five feet tall, but very few kids were in the mix. The Riverwalk was long enough they couldn't come close to checking all of it, but they had flashed his picture to businesses at each entrance but nobody could confirm a sighting. So then they headed to the parks and continued their vigorous search for the boy. As Voight flashed Liam's picture, Jay stood motionless, lost in the swirl of madness in his head. He knew he would never be father of the year. He hadn't predicted his future would have been at all like this. He sure as hell hadn't expected to become a father, and definitely hadn't anticipated being a full time single father. But here he was and right now all he felt was failure. He worked long hours, lied about some of the overtime to his son in order to have some adult time with coworkers and friends, and now he had told his boss most of the story but not all of the interaction with Liam James. He had the license plate of the rental car and yet he hadn't shared it. He had wanted to deal with that end of things himself. Track Liam down and talk with him again. There was more to explore, but his recent schedule hadn't allowed it and now his son was missing. His gut told him the man meant no harm to his namesake, but what if his gut was wrong? What kind of father was he to hold this information back, just because he wanted it all to himself for some kind of conversation he hadn't even made the effort to have. What if this man had grabbed his son and was on plane back to Europe all because Jay had been stupid? He heard from Burgess that Liam had appeared to walk away from the school alone, but what if it had been initiated by someone. Would Liam have been gullible enough to follow directions from a stranger?
Jay loved his son, he truly did, with his whole heart. But he felt as if the boys very existence had been tainted by its inopportune beginnings. He and the boys mother had merely caught each others eye at a party, ended up in bed together, barely parting for over a week. It had been raw, passionate, exciting, but appeared to be nothing that would lead to any type of a fulfilling future. And when he did make the attempt to try and fan the spark that he thought existed between them, he was certain that Bridget who was now Emma, would welcome his efforts but instead she rebuffed him, allowing him mere moments to believe there would be a chance of a future together before she shut him down. A man could only be pushed away so many times before he did close up and refused to allow more wounds to be heaped upon him. He could still feel the phone in his hand when he made that last call to Erin Lindsay, the ring in his other hand, the call never answered. Another potential future shot to hell. He never put himself at the top of a relationship pedestal, but to have two women completely leave what they loved behind just to extricate themselves from his life was as hard to accept as it was to live with. Erin had left Chicago and Hank behind, and Emma had left her child. But that child, his son hadn't deserved to have an emotionally wounded father fuck up his life for him any further than he already had.
His fingers wrapped around the piece of paper in his pocket that held the license plate number that he had written down days ago on a torn piece of paper. He had to tell Voight, this was beyond him now, beyond the team, they would never look at him the same again, but this was his son and he owed the kid his best effort instead of his pathetic offerings thus far. His lips were poised, the 's' sitting there ready to say sarge when Voight called out his name. "Hey, patrol has him. He's fine. Let's go."
Jay let his fingers open and left the paper in his pocket and the word he had prepared to say, die on his lips. He charged off after Voight and back to the SUV.
Jay called Trudy as he jogged and discovered that Liam had called 911 and when the police arrived they realized he had been the kid everyone had been looking for. They then called the district. No other details were given other than he was fine. They were already en route to the 21st with Liam.
After racing back to work Jay shoved the doors aside as he ran through them and into the district foyer. "Is he here?" He yelled to Trudy.
"No, not yet. But he should be here any minute." She answered as Hank came through the door. "And before you ask, I don't have any details other than he is unhurt. Patrol needs a statement, but they waited to get the details from him until they got here so he wouldn't have to say it twice. That's it, that's all I know."
Jay nodded as he bent over at the waist trying to rein in his emotions like he had the other night. A trick his therapist had suggest, a way to physically take a moment. He wasn't sure it worked. "You okay?" Upton asked as she came through the door with Kevin. "Yeah. Just trying to—to—actually I don't have a clue what I'm doing or feeling. I just want to see him—hold him."
"I know. He should be here soon. Are there any further details?"
"No. Nothing." Jay said as the door opened and two patrol officers and Liam came through. "Oh thank God," he said and ran over and knelt down embracing his son. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He asked as he stood up.
"I'm fine." Liam assured.
"What were you doing? What were you thinking?"
"Sorry Dad," Liam said softly as he looked around at all the eyes on him.
"We're just glad that you're okay," Kevin said.
"He's fine. And he's a hero. Saved a kid just a little older than him. We still need to get details. Can we go up?" Officer Thompson asked as he looked over at the stairs.
"Sure, let's do that." Voight said moving that way.
The air seemed thick with silence once everyone was settled in an interrogation room. It was as if nobody wanted to be the first to speak. Liam sat there picking the label off the bottle of water Jay had gotten for him, while Jay was leaning against the wall along with Voight as Officer Thompson was sitting across the table from him. The second patrol officer had just come back into the room with a cup of coffee. "Can I have a soda?" Liam had asked, hope in his voice. But Jay had said no and brought him the water, subtly reminding his son of who was in charge.
Officer Thompson cleared his throat. We had a 911 call dispatch us to a location in Canaryville, for an injured boy."
"Canaryville!?" Jay questioned.
"I take it, you don't live in the neighborhood?"
"No. Bucktown."
"Well, Liam had to run out and look at the street sign to tell the dispatcher where he was so I figured he wasn't too familiar with his surroundings. When we arrived he said there was a boy who was hurt inside an abandoned house. Why don't you finish your story," the officer encouraged.
"Actually, start from the beginning," Jay stated.
Liam looked like he was going to be sick. "I'm sorry Dad. I didn't mean for you to worry. I thought I'd be back before school was over and you'd never know."
"So you're sorry that you got caught, not that you skipped school?"
"Sorry for all of it?" Liam said as if it was a test and he was just guessing at the answers.
"Go on," Officer Thompson encouraged.
"Dad dropped me off at school and I was going to go inside, but it was a really nice day and I had packed my lunch and my backpack wasn't very heavy and I just wanted to walk—to go somewhere, anywhere. So I just started walking and came to the L stop and I had my pass so I got on and then got off when I realized it had stopped in Canaryville."
"Why did you want to get off there?" Jay asked, trying to keep his anger tempered. Now that his son was alive, in good health and in front of him, he just wanted to strangle him.
Liam shrugged. "Because it's where you and Uncle Will grew up and where Dylan's dad moved. I thought maybe if I could see the neighborhood, I could visit Dylan some day or at least know where he would be. And I thought maybe I could find out where you lived and rode your bikes when you were my age."
"But you don't even know the addresses," Jay said sitting down across from his son.
"Yeah. I know. It was stupid. But I started walking around and came across this house that was boarded up but there was something about it that made me stop. Then I saw one of those animals—you know that look like big rats."
"Opossum?" Voight said.
"Yeah, one of those. It was on the side of the house and was heading towards the back. I wanted to see it closer so I followed it to the backyard. The fence was missing and it was just sitting on the patio back there. While I was standing there I thought I heard a noise. So I got closer to the house and I saw some blood by the big doors that open out—like this," Liam said making a show of pulling big heavy doors outwards.
"Doors into the basement," the second officer, Landers said.
"So I stopped and listened and thought I heard someone crying. I wasn't sure what to do but then I must have made some noise because they called out for help. I pulled one of the doors open, it had a lock on it, but it was broken. It was dark down there so I turned my phone on and used the flashlight app and went down the stairs."
Jay looked like one of those explosions that had been in his head earlier was about to go off now for everyone to see. "Why was your phone off?" He demanded to know. If the kids phone had been on, he could have found him in no time.
"Because I forgot to charge it and it was almost dead. Here you can see," he said shoving it across the table at Jay. The tiny battery at the top indicated that only four percent was left. "So I turned it off in case I needed it. So I went downstairs and there was a boy down there all beaten up. He had blood on his head and face and his ankle was really swollen. His phone was stolen. I guess some bullies followed him on the way to school and beat him up and took his phone. He ran into the basement to get away from them, but the door hit him on the head and he fell and hurt his ankle. He couldn't get back up to get out." Liam finished.
"So, your son called 911 and stayed with the victim until we got there." Officer Landers said.
"I called but didn't know where I was so I ran and got the number on the house and then ran to the corner and told them what street I was on and then told Vaughn, his name is Vaughn, that I when I heard the sirens I would meet them and tell them where he was and then I would leave."
"Why did you tell him that?" Hank asked.
"Because, I didn't want to get into trouble. I was going to be back at school before it got over. The police would ask me why I wasn't in school."
"But you stayed?" Hank said.
"Yeah."
"How come?"
"Because he asked me to. I ran up and met the police and paramedics but took them to the back to show them where he was. They weren't going to let me go back down, but Vaughn kept calling out to me so they said I could be with him. They took him to Chicago Med. Do you think Uncle Will worked on him?"
"Maybe." Jay said. "But it could have been a trap son. Someone could have lured you down there. You should have just called 911 and waited outside." Liam just shrugged and looked down at the table.
"Vaughn Hayes was report missing this morning when he didn't show up for school. His parents went home and when he wasn't there they called the police. It was a good thing your son showed up when he did, the kid was going into shock."
"Thanks officers," Voight said ushering them towards the door.
"Yeah sure thing. We'd been looking at Liam's picture all morning, searching the streets and then bam, there he was right in front of us."
"You know where to find us if you need anything else," Voight said sending them down the hallway before heading back into the room.
"See Dad, it was what I was meant for at least for today." Liam was saying.
"Meant for?" Hank asked.
"It was his mother's catch phrase—what are you meant for or what were you meant for, or both."
"Just cause she left doesn't mean you have to hate her," Liam accused.
"I don't hate her," Jay replied unsure where his son's response had come from.
"I'm going to eat my lunch," Liam said as he grabbed his water and went to get his backpack from Jay's desk.
Once he had left Hank looked at Jay. "You haven't told him about your Sunday meeting with his namesake?"
"No. Not yet," Jay said closing the door.
"Jay, his mother is dead. He needs to know that. Unless you don't believe she is."
"Why would he lie to me? And even if she isn't, she's dead to me—to our son. She hasn't even bothered to send a damn postcard or even call and hang up. Nothing, that's what she's given us. So yeah, she's dead. And you're right, Liam needs to know."
"I know it's been a long week and today hasn't made it any easier. But the longer you know without making him aware the harder it's going to be."
"I know. I didn't want this life for him. Waiting for me to come home every night. No mother. It's my fault, my fault."
"How so?"
"How so? His mother and I were fuck buddies, nothing more that that and I ran out of condoms that's how. I was one short and now he's doomed to a life of abandonment and fear of further abandonment. He deserves better. He should be in one of these homes where the mother is serving dinner at the same time every night, homemade, not frozen crap. A father who is helping him with his homework and at every ball game."
"But instead he got you huh?"
"Yeah. Instead he got a mother who left him and father who is never around, suffers from PTSD and has no clue how to raise him. Forget that one part—in fact forget all of what I just said."
"Look Jay, life finds a way. He is your son and you love him and that's what matters the most. Is he being raised in an ideal setting? No. But he knows that you love him. He knows that without a doubt. And I think we both know that there was more to your relationship with his mother than what you just described. But you are busy talking yourself out of that fact because it makes the pain of her disappearance easier to deal with. Now if you need my office to talk to him or anything else, just let me know."
"Anything else?" Jay questioned.
"Hey, all I'm saying is that I'm not opposed to a smack on the ass when it's called for. But that's between the two of you. I'm just offering a private space for whatever you might need it for."
Jay nodded as Voight left him sitting there with his thoughts.
To be continued...
Sountrack: The Who~Behind Blue Eyes