Donuts With Dad

That morning as Jay ran, he kept a close eye on Liam who was weaving his way back and forth across the sidewalk in front of him on his scooter. They were both exhausted after the previous day and evening. It was after midnight when Jay had woken up, and found he was still sitting on the couch with Liam, who was asleep and still pressed against him. He managed to stand up while holding the boy and carried him to his bed. He laid him down and pulled his shoes and pants off and tucked him in, Liam never stirring. He then undressed and climbed into his own bed where his mind began to tour an endless cycle of what the last week had brought him and what it all meant.

Now as he ran, his mind floated, information and emotions seemed to be like clouds, he could see them but when he reached for them they were of no substance. He had gone over the conversation that he had had with the elder Liam, trying to figure out what was nagging at him. There was something there, something had been said or unsaid that he needed to find what it was. But at this point it seemed too late and, well, pointless. He was sure the man had left town by now, nearly a week later.

"Get in the shower. I'll throw some clean clothes in the bathroom for you. Hurry, we're running late." Jay said once they had arrived back at the apartment.

"We didn't have to go out this morning," Liam whined as he made his way to the bathroom.

"Don't you feel better and more energetic now though?"

"I guess," he said as he swung the door closed.

Jay had taken time as they prepared to go outside to see if Liam was up for the day. The conversation the night before had taken so much from both of them. But sitting around the apartment, lost in thought seemed worthless. He knew if his focus was elsewhere he would be the better for it and he hoped Liam would be too.

Now he rummaged through the drawers for something that Liam wouldn't argue about as he heard the shower turn on. Ellie often did the laundry while she was babysitting despite the fact that Jay told her she wasn't responsible for their clothes. But she would just smile and tell him she didn't mind helping and feeling useful. Well, he was surely doing his part at making her feel useful. She watched Liam quite a few hours and often had no idea when he would relieve her. She even went to his last band concert as Jay didn't get home in time to take him, but he did manage to get there to catch the last two songs. He finally found one of his favorite pair of jeans and a long sleeve Bears t-shirt that shouldn't elicit any arguments. He grabbed some socks and underwear and made his way to the bathroom and pushed the door open. "Here's your clothes. Is there anything in your backpack that I need to see or sign?" He asked as he had gotten home late two nights before and never even looked. Neither did he check last night, given an extra day since Liam had eschewed the entire school day.

"I don't know. I don't think so," Liam shouted back.

"That means probably," Jay said to himself as he picked up the bag and dumped it out. Liam wasn't the most organized ten year old on the planet. Some papers were in their proper folders, but others floated out onto the bed along with assorted pens, pencils a few coins, rubber bands and paperclips. He looked at the loose papers, some were graded, some appeared to be study guides and there was a flier that had been chewed up by days and days of being harassed by books, folders and a lunchbox. He pulled it out and looked at it carefully. He looked at his watch and realized the date was today.

"Hey," he yelled as Liam walked into the room, hopping as he tried to put his socks on as he walked.

"You don't have to yell, I'm right here." He said as he sat on his bed to finish dressing.

"This is today? Why didn't you tell me?" Jay asked as he held up the Donuts with Dad flier.

"Because I didn't think you could come and I guess it would feel better if I never asked you than say you couldn't come when my teacher asked."

Jay checked his watch again and then looked back at the paper indicating the time allotted was from 7:45 to 8:15. "If we hurry, we can still make it."

"Really?" Liam asked.

"Yes. Really. You pick out some clothes for me while I get in the shower and get your backpack put back together and make your lunch and be ready to go."

"Deal," Liam said smiling as he shot off to Jay's bedroom.

Ten minutes later they sat in the idling truck at the stop sign at the end of the block while a song they both knew and liked came on the radio. It was a newer song that Liam had been working on with his drum kit and would sing around the apartment. Jay thought it was catchy and had inadvertently learned most of the lyrics. It felt like for once that things were coming together for at least a short time as they sang along, smiling as they made their way to the school.

"You can't park here," Liam said as he looked up at the tow away zone sign.

"Sure I can," Jay said as he put his police placard in the window allowing him to park pretty much wherever he wanted. He had thought about just walking to the school as he knew parking would be tough, but he needed to drive straight to the district after he left the school so he decided to take the truck. He typed a quick text to Voight explaining that he would be a little late. Usually he was given some slack, they all were as long as it wasn't habitual. Sarge would trust that the time was needed for a good reason and never pushed for an explanation.

"Your gun Dad. You definitely can't take your gun into the school."

"You're right about that." Jay said as he took it from his holster and locked it in the glove box. "Let's go."

They jogged to the school and went in the side entrance near the cafeteria, the hum of controlled chaos hit them as soon as they opened the door. The room was teeming with fathers and their offspring, some sitting, some jockeying for position in line and others already taking their leave. Despite the large numbers, there were still plenty of spots at various tables. They got their donuts, juice and coffee and found two spots across from each other. The staff was milling around, introducing themselves to any parent they didn't recognize. Jay was shaking the principals hand when a little girl with long brown hair came up behind Liam.

"Hi Liam," she said quietly.

"Hi McKenna," Liam said looking back at her. "Is your dad here?"

"He was going to try but I don't see him. He doesn't live with us." She replied.

"You can sit with us, can't she Dad?" Liam asked looking over at Jay.

"Of course she can."

McKenna clearly pleased with the offer sat down with her donut and milk. "Thanks."

"Maybe he's on his way," Liam said, clearly pleased that his father was already there.

"Are you in Liam's class?" Jay asked.

The girl nodded as she had a mouthful of food. "Yes." She said after swallowing. I sit behind him because my last name is Ingersoll."

"Well that makes sense." Jay said smiling.

"Were you sick yesterday Liam? You weren't in school."

"I, well, I just wasn't here."

"Oh," McKenna replied seemingly satisfied with the answer or lack there of. "My dad works in a big office building in the Loop. He does a lot of reports. I guess he had to go to work early."

"That's too bad." Jay said finishing his donut and wiping his mouth. "I'm sure he wanted to be here."

"My dad has to work a lot too. He gets home late a lot." Liam added.

"Do you work in a big building too?" She asked.

"No. Not a very big one." He said sipping his coffee as he tried not to check his watch. He watched the kids eat their breakfast and asked McKenna about their teacher and classmates, hoping to glean any information that Liam might not want to part with.

Several minutes later the principal announced that time was winding down and thanked all the fathers for coming out. Jay took the napkins and cups and ran them to the garbage can and came back to say goodbye.

"Are you still picking me up tonight?"

"I'm going to try. If I can't, Ellie will get you to Tyler's house. But, I promise you that I will do my best."

"What's that?" McKenna asked pointing to Jay's empty holster.

"That's my holster where I usually have my gun."

"A gun?" She asked her eyes wide.

"I'm a police officer," he said, pulling up his shirt so she could see his badge.

"But you don't look like a police officer. Where's your uniform."

"I'm a plain clothes detective. We just wear regular clothes."

"Wow. Cool. Do you ever shoot your gun?"

"Only when I have to. Okay, I'll see you later buddy." Jay said, not wanting to get into any details about shooting guns. "Is it okay if I give you a hug?" He asked as he looked around to see how other goodbyes were going. Liam shook his head and hissed no. "Fist bump?"

"Okay," Liam agreed sticking his fist out, meeting Jay's. Then Jay pulled him close and gave a quick hug and planted a kiss on the top of his head. "Dad," Liam complained, but Jay could tell that he wasn't really that upset. He had even toyed with saying I love you, but decided he wouldn't push it and risk totally embarrassing his son.

"See you tonight." Jay said before he turned and managed to weave his way back to the door.

At lunch, Jay wanted to keep the positive vibe going and texted Liam. "Had fun this morning. I love you buddy."

He thought for being grounded Liam was doing pretty good. Donuts with Dad, sleepover tonight. But he would have to be tough and keep his promise of punishment. Yesterday at this time he was nearly out of his mind with worry. He couldn't forget that. He had always made an effort at being reasonable with his expectations and disciplinary actions, but he also had to stay strong when it was needed.

When Liam was around three he had big tantrum disagreeing with whatever Jay had suggested and began yelling and kicking at the furniture. Jay knew the action he was about to take would lay the foundation for future reactions by both of them. He picked his son up and deposited him in the boys bedroom and told him to kick and scream all he wanted, but it would get him nowhere. Jay then walked back out to living room and grabbed the newspaper and ignored Liam who seemed somewhat bewildered by his fathers actions. He quickly quieted down and after several minutes he climbed up on the couch and buried his head into Jay and stared at the muted TV that was showing an infomercial about a ball you put in the dryer to reduce static cling.

The next effort Liam made in testing his father was in a store when Jay had the audacity to deny purchasing his son a candy bar the size of Michigan Avenue. When he had been told no, he proceeded to scream, "but I want it" over and over as loudly as his little lungs could expel air. Jay took only a moment to pick his son up and walk out of the store without looking back. He buckled his screaming, kicking four year old into his car seat and drove home, ignoring the screams and tears. Once back home he put him in his room and when Liam attempted to bring his havoc into the living room, Jay calmly picked him up and deposited him back into his room.

"I want to play army men," Liam yelled as he came out looking for his little soldiers.

"Only little boys who can behave get to play," Jay said looking over at the wreckage from the battle they had been engaged in earlier, where the rangers had come in and taken all the bad guys to another camp where they were would live until they agreed to stop being bad guys. If only life was as simple as a four year old could make it out to be.

"I can behave," Liam offered, hanging out in his doorway.

"I know you can, which is why I was so surprised when you didn't when we were at the store."

"But I wanted the candy." He sniffled.

"But sometimes we can't get what we want. But screaming and having a fit will never get you what you want, not with me, not now, not ever."

"Can I play?" Liam asked stepping further into the room.

Jay sighed and tried to think about what his mother would have said or done. But he was at a loss. "Not now I'm afraid. When you behave you get to do things, fun things."

The answer brought about another full-fledged tantrum, breaking Jay's heart, but he had to stay strong. He dealt with teenagers all day long that hadn't been given any discipline until it was the police giving it. His son had to learn consequences now or he would be learning them later, and not by someone who loved him.

"I am behaving," Liam screamed.

"No you are not."

"I want to behave," Liam said, changing his argument.

"That's great. You can start right now."

"Can I play?" He tried again.

"What did I just tell you?"

"To behave and I am!" Liam yelled, stamping his little foot.

Jay got up and went over to his son and sat down on the floor in front of him crossing his legs. Liam plopped down and copied him sitting just across from him. "When we were in the store, you didn't get what you wanted and what did you do?"

"I told you I wanted it!" He said in a loud voice.

"Yes you did. But I had already said no and I wasn't going to change my mind. It's okay if you still wanted it, but the way you reacted was unacceptable and that's why we left. You aren't ever going to get what you want by behaving like that. Good boys get rewards, bad boys get punished.

"Am I a bad boy?" Liam asked his head in his hands as his elbows propped them up.

"No. But today you acted like one. So do you get rewarded?"

"No," Liam said shaking his head. "But I am going to behave now," he said with hope.

"I am so glad to hear it," Jay replied, happy that his son was following the discussion. Liam was a bright kid, but he feared it had gotten a little advanced as the conversation had gone along. Jay still struggled with some of the intricacies of communicating with a preschooler.

"So we can play?"

"No. I'm sorry. You see when you do something wrong, even if you're sorry it still has consequences."

"What's consequences?" Liam asked, jumbling up the word making it sound like conzkwenzes.

"It means that even if you behave now, what happened earlier still matters and it is affecting what happens now." Liam still looked confused. "Okay, say I find a bad guy who took something that didn't belong to him and he used it and broke it and the person he stole it from doesn't have it anymore. Now the bad guy gets caught and he says he'll never do it again and maybe he won't, let's say he doesn't, but does that make it okay that he took something that wasn't his?"

Liam seemed to think about it for a minute. "No, because the person doesn't have their toy and it's forever gone and broken."

"Exactly. Because the bad guy's actions mattered and can't be totally erased."

"Like a mistake with a pen," Liam chimed in. "You can't erase it, just scratch it out. You can still see that it happened."

"Right. We can't pretend it didn't happen. So what happened in the store earlier still happened, and I can't forget that. It's going to affect you tonight too. So next time you think about having a fit to get what you want you'll remember that you didn't get your candy, you didn't get to stay in the store and you didn't get to play tonight.

"Now, do you think it was worth having a fit about the candy?" Jay asked.

Liam sat for a moment. "No. I want to play with you Daddy."

"I want to play with you, but your actions made it so we can't. Do you understand?"

"I'm sorry Daddy." He said climbing into Jay's lap. "You punished yourself too."

"I did."

"Because of what I did."

"Yes. Because of what you did."

Jay snapped back to the present as his phone chirped. He didn't know if the lesson was completely understood, but it would seem that Liam had learned a lot that day. But it also appeared to be time to remind of him of consequences. In other words, Jay had to stay as strong now as he had six years ago.

Jay swiped his screen to see a thumbs up sign from Liam. He hadn't been sure what to expect as a response, but he had been hoping for a little more. He had looked at his watch before he had sent the text, knowing that Liam could freely use his phone during lunch. But perhaps he was eating, or playing or just talking. Or maybe, this was all he had to say.

But before Jay could think too much more about it his phone lit up again, taking him back to the message thread he had just left. "I had fun," along with a smiley emoji and then, "I love you too."

He couldn't help but smile and was grateful that today had been a much better day than he could have ever anticipated, it would give him something to cling to for what awaited him tomorrow.

Soundtrack: Back Foot by Dinosaur Pile-up ~ Jay and Liam sing it in the truck

A/N ~ Sorry about the break last week...I have quarantine brain and needed some down time. Focusing at work drains me. Stay safe all!