Caught in a Loop

Part I

Liam shrugged his shoulders into his puffy black coat, bringing its warmth up to his neck, shielding it from the chill. He was supposed to be in the waiting room, and his dad was also supposed to pick him up, but of course, something had come up. Something always came up. The building behind him held a plethora of all things pediatric. Pediatric optometrist, dentist, orthopedist, pediatrician and child psychologist. Liam was there to see the latter. He hadn't wanted to go, but his father had left him little choice and Liam couldn't blame the man, since losing his mother again, he admittedly hadn't been very easy to get along with.

Several weeks earlier

"Dad, it's Dylan's last weekend before he moves. Can I go down to his house?" Liam asked, his voice on the edge of whiny.

"I don't think so," Jay said trying not to yawn. "Maybe he can come down here for a couple of hours tonight. You guys can watch a movie and eat popcorn." He had gotten up early, or late into the previous night, depending on your definition, to help with a drug sting and Liam had been up and running long before he got home.

"Sound good?" Jay asked as he sat down at the kitchen table with his mug of coffee, that really wasn't helping him at all. He looked down at the myriad of papers on the table and pulled out the one of interest he had been looking for. He had already known of its existence as Ellie had mentioned to him that Liam had tried to get her to sign it. "What's this?" He asked holding it up.

"Just what it looks like," Liam responded.

"Oh, I would so not take that tone with me right now." Jay warned, wishing his coffee would kick in.

"It's a test." Liam said stating the obvious.

"It's a test with a big fat D on it." Jay said turning the paper back towards him so he could confirm the grade. "A D-," he clarified.

"I forgot to study," Liam stated.

"I've seen your tests and papers when you forget to study and they usually have a B or C on them. Did you just randomly circle answers, pay attention to the questions at all? You know that I want you to work hard and do the best you can, but I've never pushed you beyond your capabilities, and this work is well within your reach."

"How do you know," Liam questioned. "You're never here."

Jay closed his eyes and let his head fall back, searching for the right words. But the coffee hadn't yet been kind to him and his patience was beyond thin. "Sit down," he said as calmly as he could. But Liam said he was fine standing. "SIT DOWN!" Jay demanded, his voice several octaves lower while the volume was noticeably louder.

Liam sat down, though in his own good time. He put his arms on the table and rested his chin on them. "It's true," he said quietly.

"We've been over it, we go over it. You know my job isn't nine to five and I am sorry it takes me away from you, I really am."

"But you're lucky to be on an elite police unit, the best in Chicago, you couldn't turn it down, cops would kill for your assignment, the overtime is important—yeah, I know. But all of that doesn't make what I said any less true. You can be gone all the time and I'm supposed to be okay with it, but I mess up on a test and it's the end of the world."

"It is not the end of the world and I never said it was. But this is unacceptable and you know that. Tell me what happened?" He asked holding the test up.

"I don't know, I didn't feel like taking it, didn't care."

"Why didn't you care?"

"Because it's stupid. I learn stuff so I can put it on a paper and get a grade and none of it really matters. Mom was here and gone again, like I don't matter. You go to work for twelve or fourteen hours a day like I don't matter."

"You do matter. Of course you matter."

"Then why did she leave again?" Liam asked, his head snapping up.

Liam of course didn't know the details of Emma's circumstances that Jay did. "One day, when you're older—it's complicated."

"That's what adults always say, it's complicated. But being a kid not knowing anything is pretty damn complicated too."

"Hey, watch your mouth!" Jay warned. Liam shook his head and Jay thought the boy had mouthed 'whatever' but couldn't be sure.

"You have to sign it—the test. I have to bring it back to Mrs. Singer signed on Monday and she'll give me some extra credit to work on to help with the grade."

"Which you will accept and do and do up to your ability."

"If I do, can Dylan come down tonight?"

"This does not make me happy nor does your recent attitude," Jay explained.

Liam opened his mouth wanting to ask how the man would even know, reminding Jay once again that he really hadn't been around much lately, but didn't want to hurt the possibility of his friend visiting so he remained quiet.

Jay's sixty hour weeks had blossomed into eighty at a time when they should have been settling down a bit as the colder weather had sunk its talons into the city. But in all honesty, some of those hours could have been left in other's hands. But part of him was afraid to go home, afraid to face his son and his questions of that day and the performance that had taken place down the street. The day his mother had left him again, but this time he had been fully aware of her desertion. It was like getting a band-aid ripped off twice, the first time a shock, reacting only after it was over, but the second time it was a drawn out advertisement, the pain simulcast in real time. How did one soothe that pain away? So it was just easier to pretend it didn't exist with hopes that it would somehow, some way blow over or blow away.

"So can he?" Liam asked again reminding Jay he was still in the middle of a conversation.

"We'll see. It's a possibility, but first you're going to clean up your room and get all your stuff out of the living room and put away—and I mean put away, not slung in your closet or shoved under your bed. Later, we're going to talk more."

"About what?" Liam asked as Jay got up and put his empty mug in the sink.

"I'm sure we'll find plenty of topics." Jay said as he went to his room. "I'm going to lay down for a few minutes, then we can tackle the rest of the apartment. He owed Ellie so much as she kept up on everything while he was at work and just left the very basics for him to polish at the end of the week. He decided that they couldn't move from the neighborhood until Liam was at least twenty.

Liam went to his room and began to try and put things in places that made sense. He didn't take much care in his efforts but the room did look better. What did it matter anyway—it was his room. He stepped back and figured it was good enough and went to see if his dad was ready for the next chore.

He walked out in the living area and then peeked into Jay's room to see him laying in bed, on top of the covers. He crept over to the couch and grabbed the tablet, playing a game for several minutes before putting it down and turning the TV on. He flipped through several channels but was interested in none of them. He left the set on and quietly walked over to Jay. He was laying on his back, his face slack, but what made Liam know that he was truly in a deep sleep was the slightest of all snores escaping from his lips. A noise so quiet that he had to practically put his ear to Jay's mouth. He was down for the count, no doubt about it.

"Hi Liam," Melissa Baker said opening the door, revealing a few pieces of furniture and lots of boxes. "It's great to see you, but does your dad know you're down here?"

"He said we could get together today since it's Dylan's last weekend."

"Okay. Yeah, we load up the last few things tomorrow. Dylan is sure going to miss you," she said as Dylan popped into view.

"Liam, you came!"

"Yep, no sweat. Let's go outside and take one last lap around the 'hood'."

"Sure," Dylan said grabbing his coat and hat. "I wasn't sure if your dad would let you come down or not."

Liam opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. This was their day, their adventure and he didn't want it ruined by anyone, especially his father.

Jay woke up slowly, peacefully, generally an uncommon experience for him. He hadn't meant to sleep so long, but had to admit he felt much better. It was nice now that Liam was older and didn't need constant supervision. He could take some time to doze off when he needed to catch up on sleep without too much concern. He heard the TV from the other room, so he didn't jump up to check on Liam. Instead he lay there, his mind filling with thoughts and doubts that his slumber had allowed him to escape from.

He had finally confided in Hailey what had happened with Emma, her return, her reasoning in why she had left in the first place and why she couldn't stay. Adam, of course knew what he had witnessed, but being the true friend he was, he had left it alone, allowing Jay the time and desire to explain further if he so wanted.

As he explained to Hailey, the reasoning as to why he revealed Liam's location to his mother, he wondered if in the end it was more about him than Emma. Had he really told her Liam's whereabouts to give her an opportunity to check on her son, a fleeting glance to last her for the next handful of years? Or was it a selfish act on his part? Wanting to show off the fact that he didn't need her, that they didn't need her. That all by himself Jay had done it. That Liam was well fed, well dressed, had friends, lived in a good neighborhood and they hadn't needed anything from her. He had done well, despite her hasty retreat from their lives. Perhaps that's what the revelation had been about, not out of generosity and goodness but out of the empty part of himself that had opened up when she had left. That maybe it had been filled a little when their son had clung to him, cried on his shoulder, went home with him.

But ever since that day Liam had been acting out. In small ways, medium ways and escalating to larger ways. Nothing huge. No more skipping school or disappearing. But talking back, insubordination at school, Ellie having to tell him things more than once and then giving up when Liam would close himself inside his room, yelling he didn't care about anything. But this behavior wasn't typical of the boy. He was far from perfect and pushed buttons, but he knew the boundaries and was great at tiptoeing along the edge, but now he seemed to have no problem stomping all over and totally disregarding the line.

"You going home?" Upton asked one night as the office was empty except for the two of them.

"I will," Jay said pushing the folder over a few inches on his desk with his finger, the folder he was supposedly looking at.

"I'm sure Liam would love to see you before he goes to bed," she said looking up at the clock. She had been more than aware of Jay's late and then later nights.

"Yeah. I'm just finishing up." He lied.

"Jay, that can wait. In fact most of what you have been working on can wait."

"We had that stakeout Monday and that take-down last night. And the assist last week along with sniper duty for that hostage situation. That went until after eight."

"Sure, but it was just those nights that you needed to stay late. Not for this," she said picking up the file. "What's going on? It's just us—start talking."

Jay sighed and took the file back from Hailey. "He won't talk to me. I go home and we just sit, it's like we're together but on separate planets."

"So it's awkward?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"Jay, his mother came back and left again. It was a huge thing that happened to him. It was like a bomb went off between the two of you and the emotional debris went everywhere. He's ten Jay, he won't talk to you, because he doesn't have words for what he feels."

"Well I don't either," Jay replied petulantly.

"You're the adult Jay. The father. You have to figure it out. Go home and talk to your son. Have you talked to anyone? Do you still go to counseling?"

"Once in a while. I have talked to someone though."

"Who?"

"A week or so ago an old army buddy stopped by. We reveled in our deployment days, I regaled him with my current duties."

"I meant about what happened with Emma."

"No," he sighed. "I haven't."

"Where was Liam when this old friend came by?"

"Asleep in his room. Look, it may not have been about Emma, but talking helped anyway." He was getting sick of her negative effect on their lives even when she was long gone. Maybe because she was gone, because she could just walk away. Wasn't it usually the man that just walked away, leaving the wreckage behind for the mother to deal with? Were men equipped to handle this? Jay wondered.

"You're sure he was asleep?" Hailey asked.

"Yeah. I shut his door, he's a heavy sleeper. We were quiet."

Hailey just shrugged her shoulders. "If it helped then keep talking. Call your buddy, talk to me, go back to counseling, talk to your son. You always say everything is fine, that you can handle it, but Liam is acting out with you because he knows you love him, you are his rock, his safe place. He needs to release his fear and frustration and he knows you'll love him no matter what."

"But that's the thing, he is acting out, but not like that. Not for my attention, but because he—because—well that's the problem, I don't even know exactly why. So how do I help him when I don't even know what the hell I'm doing? I ask him how he is, I talk to him, but he shuts me out every time so now I don't ask. It's easier that way."

"Easier for whom? Parenthood is anything but easy Jay."

"Yeah. You got that right. Hey, do you still have those international contacts?" Jay asked, changing the subject.

"I do. I'll get in touch tomorrow. Get it together Halstead. Your son needs you."

He nodded as she departed, her words settling. He did leave the district, but he didn't go home, he went to a bar, where he drank too much and felt his failure rise along with his blood alcohol level.

He had screwed up the Marcus West case to the point where it cost the man his life. He was trying to make amends to the man's family, using any free time he did have towards another family ignoring his own. Lying to his son on a daily basis, just because he was scared that he was responsible for the emotional disaster with Emma. He couldn't deal with another failure, but the more time he had to dwell on what happened, the more he realized it was on him—all on him. If he had just kept himself in-check, kept his mouth shut Liam wouldn't be the tortured soul he was now. Abandoned not once but twice.

And if he hadn't been so reliant and put so much unquestioning faith in technology, perhaps he wouldn't have been so easily swayed to believe what wasn't true concerning the two murdered little boys. He refused to have fresh eyes or to even open his own and a man had paid with his life. And now, now he was sitting in a bar, once again failing at everything.

As he snapped out of his memories and cleared his head he climbed out of bed. He would take a few minutes and hope that whatever words he found would open up some kind of useful dialogue. He couldn't remember too many heart to heart talks with his father. He was flying blind, he just hoped he didn't fly right into a wall. He looked into the living room and kitchen and found them empty. He went into Liam's room and saw it was unoccupied, he even checked the closet and under the bed. Neither had enough empty space to contain a child. He returned to his room and grabbed his phone, stabbing at the app that quickly revealed his son's location.

Liam and Dylan made their way up and around several blocks, just enjoying their last night together despite the clouds and impending drizzle. "If that kid at school bugs you again, let me know. I warned him I'd kill him if he messed with you," Dylan offered, speaking of the bully that had slammed Liam into the lockers a few months ago.

"I'll be okay."

"I swear I'll come back and do it. Englewood isn't that far."

"Far enough." Liam said looking down the street. "How often will you see your dad?"

"One weekend a month. At least for now. Not sure why though."

"Let me guess, your mom said it was complicated."

Dylan laughed despite himself. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"Because that's what adults always say when they don't want to tell you the truth. When they think you won't understand. So they tell you it's complicated or they lie or they don't tell you anything. But sometimes we find out things anyway, but then they just pretend some more."

"You okay man?"

"At least you get to see your dad. I got to see my mom a couple of weeks ago."

"No shit? Really? Where?"

"Here. Down the street. She said she couldn't stay and the entire time I was with her she just kept saying we needed to get back to my dad. That she was technically kidnapping me.

"We went back, but my dad was pissed and hasn't let up since. He never comes home, he doesn't even want me."

"What do you mean he doesn't want you?"

"He said so. He had a buddy over from when he was in the war and he said my uncle should raise me."

"Your uncle the doctor?" Liam nodded. "I don't know man, I think your dad loves you a lot. I can't see him saying that."

"Well, I heard it." Liam looked up at the stairs to the L. "I want to go downtown."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just want to."

"I don't have my metro pass," Dylan said.

"I have mine, that's all we need."

"I don't know Liam. I mean your dad will freak out. And I can't believe that he even let you come hang out with me." Liam looked over at his friend, his face reflecting the truth. "He didn't give you permission, did he? Is he even home?"

"He's home. But he's asleep."

"Damn, Liam. He's going to roast your ass for sure."

"Look, you coming or not?"

"I will. I'll come with you if you want me to. You're my friend. The best friend I've ever had."

Liam stood motionless for a moment. "And because you are, I want you to stay here. I don't my dad to blame anything on you."

"I wish you wouldn't go."

"I have to. I don't even know why. But I need to go somewhere and think."

"You can't think anywhere around here?" Dylan asked.

"Purple goes to the loop. I'll text you later," Liam said, ignoring the question as he started up the stairs looking at the helpful painted directions on the steps. Purple line, the Loop. It repeated several more times on the way up and became a mantra in Liam's head, purple line, the Loop, purple line the Loop.

The trip didn't take long, the buildings rushing by, getting taller. He hopped off at the Washington and Wells station and tried to get his bearings. He and Jay visited the area frequently on weekends when the weather supported such outdoor adventures. But mostly he just followed his father. The father he believed no longer wanted him. Thinking that was the reason why Jay sent his mother to where he had been, hoping that she would see him and take him with her.

He finally saw a familiar landmark as he rounded a corner and saw Mae sitting there. She was as iconic in the downtown area as the theaters, Wacker Drive, the Willis Tower and the river. She sat on the same corner every day for hours and hours, with her small, flimsy cardboard sign that solicited for any kind of assistance. Liam wasn't sure but he thought the word assistance might have been spelled wrong. They saw her nearly every time they were downtown, Liam insisted on it as he often brought a brown paper bag filled with fruit, granola bars, and anything else he could find. And a bottle of water, always a bottle of water. Jay had always humored his son and the boys good intentions, he thought it was a beautiful sentiment. But Liam was empty handed as he approached her now, shaking thoughts of his father out of his head.

"I know you don't I?" She asked.

"Yeah. My dad and I come down here a lot. I give you food and water sometimes."

"Yeah, that's right. Liam."

"You know my name?"

"I'm homeless not stupid. Where's your daddy at?" She asked craning her neck. "He's a cutie that one."

"Eww," Liam said. "That's my dad."

"What? Your dad can't be good looking?"

"I guess I never thought about it. I mean he's just my dad."

"He's a lot more than that. He was a boy, then a man, then a daddy. He's still a man, a man that has things in his life that have nothing to do with you."

"Exactly. And that's the way he wants it." Liam said folding his arms.

"Come into my office," she said patting the piece of cardboard she was sitting on. Liam sat down, trying not to react to the smell of the unwashed body and clothing. "I know I don't smell like a daisy, but you'll get used to in a minute. Now tell me what's going on with you two?"

"What makes you think something is?"

"Because he's not here. And he doesn't strike me as the type that lets his little-one run all over town by himself."

"I'm not so little," Liam countered.

"Oh, you're little. Did you two have a fight? He want you to clean your room or you got a bad grade?"

"He doesn't want me anymore."

"Oh, is that so," she said evenly.

"Yeah, he said so."

"He looked at you and said that he didn't want you anymore?"

"No. But I heard it."

"You were eavesdropping then?"

"What?"

"You were listening to a conversation that you had no business hearing and you thought you heard him say he didn't want you anymore."

"What does it matter?"

"Because you can hear things out of context and they can be confusing."

"He was talking to an old war buddy and he told him that I would be better off with my uncle."

"Well now, that isn't quite saying he doesn't want you anymore."

"Close enough," Liam said.

"Close enough counts in horse shoes and hand grenades."

"Huh?"

"It means that life is blurry. You heard something then molded it to what you wanted to hear."

"Why would I want to hear that?"

"You tell me. Maybe you're just mad at him or perhaps you're mad at someone else but since they're not around you're taking out all your anger on the person who is there."

"My dad?"

"Your dad loves you and he's a good man."

"How do you know that?"

"First of all, he helped defend our country and he deserves respect for that. Right?" Liam nodded. "What does he do for a living?"

"He's a detective with CPD."

"Well damn, is he a good cop?"

"He works hard to get the bad guys."

"I know he's a good cop."

"How?"

"Because he's never run me off."

"But he's off duty when he sees you."

"Cops are never off duty."

"True. But he wouldn't care either way that you were here as long as you aren't hurting anyone."

"Exactly, he can see what is bad and good for himself, without an ordinance telling him so. Besides, I bet you don't know that he slips me money when your not looking."

"He does?"

"Sure does, a ten or twenty. He doesn't want you to see, not sure why, but it's just between us. But the biggest thing about him that I know is how much he loves you."

"You can't know that."

"Sure I can."

"How?"

"It's all in his eyes. When he looks at you, it's all there, and there's no doubt about it. Now, you need to go home. You shouldn't make him worry."

Liam stood up and nearly crashed into a family who was looking around at the street signs and then down at their respective phones. "I don't know honey, this doesn't make any sense. The GPS said we should go that way, but the map indicates the theater is that way." The man said.

"Where are you going?" Liam asked.

The man looked at Liam closely, unsure if he was a junior pick pocket, a tiny Dickensian feature of the city. "Lyric Opera."

"The GPS doesn't always work down here because of the L and the buildings." Liam said. "Is that the place by the river?"

"Yeah, at least that's what it shows on the map."

"I'm heading towards the river, you can follow me if you want or basically just walk that way towards Wacker."

The young girl with them, who was probably right around Liam's age giggled when he said Wacker. "I know it's a stupid name. But I think it's named after a guy from a long time ago. But it's confusing, because there's South Wacker, North Wacker, East Wacker, West Wacker, Lower Wacker," he wanted to say where my father was shot, but refrained.

"Lower Wacker, that's where they filmed a scene from Batman." A boy of around twelve stated.

"Yeah. It's creepy down there though. It's where the delivery trucks drive. But go that way and you'll see it," Liam pointed.

"Thank you sweetie. Are you out here by yourself?"

"He is," Mae yelled.

"My father is with a friend in the cafe down the street. He'll be out soon."

"Then why are you going to the river?" Mae screeched out.

"Because we're going to meet there," Liam replied. "Look, walk that way and it'll be fine. I'm going to go find my father in the restaurant."

"If you're sure," the woman said.

"Absolutely," Liam assured before he turned and stared daggers at Mae.

As the family turned and headed in the right direction Liam loped down to a cafe on the corner, grabbed a banana from the basket, forked over what little money had happened to have on him and ran back to Mae who was still sitting on her cardboard.

"Here. Eat this."

"Go home." She told him as she took the banana.

"I will, but not yet."

"It'll be dark soon. The clouds will make sure of it."

"I'll be fine."

"If you're not, your daddy will be mighty sad."

"If you say so," Liam said as he departed.

He walked the few blocks towards the river. The water came to a Y in that area making it confusing to use as a landmark. But he recognized enough that he felt confident in where he was and where he wanted to go. He managed to get himself down to Lower Wacker and stood taking in the darkness, the eeriness of the place. He didn't know exactly where his father had been shot, the news hadn't said. It also hadn't given Jay's name, only a Chicago police detective. "A Chicago police detective was shot in line of duty this afternoon on Lower Wacker, while pursing the man believed to be arsonists from the fire two weeks ago that killed several and displaced many." Or something like that the news caster had bleated out. It didn't take a genius to pair Jay's injuries with the police detective involved. And then. "The officer is expected to make a full recovery." But even if this wasn't the spot, it was close enough. Why had his father ran after this man with no back-up and how had Sergeant Voight allowed him to? Was he running towards something or away from something? He knew his dad had cried when they went to his grandfather's apartment, but he tried not to show it. So how did he think that Liam would react if something happened to him? But, perhaps he didn't care if Liam was sad or not. If he didn't want him, why would he care.

He went back up a level, wanting to escape from the claustrophobic walls and ceiling of the street. He had no idea what lurked down there and had no desire to find out. He shivered once he hit street level though he was pretty sure it had nothing to do with the weather. He found the river, which wasn't hard and walked until he found some stairs to take him down to the water.

Soundtrack:

Take what you want from me Ozzy/post malone

Trills~For What its worth

To be continued...