Caught in a Loop
Part II
Jay gripped the steering wheel too hard causing his knuckles to turn white as he made his way downtown. He took an ill advised look at his phone causing to have to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of him. He inhaled as he ignored the middle finger that was waving at him from the vehicle he had just narrowly missed. Before taking off again he found the tiny dot that represented his son's supposed location bouncing around in the vast downtown area. Finding him with all the interference from the buildings and L wasn't going to be easy. He had called repeatedly via blue tooth but had gotten no answer.
He thought back to his conversation with Hailey and words questioning him if Liam had been asleep during his buddy's visit. He had been certain Liam was, he had closed the door, checked on him once and he appeared to be asleep. But appearances could be deceiving, if anyone knew that, it was Jay. He was being very deceptive when it came to Angela and her son Bobby. Jim, friend of Marcus—yeah right he thought to himself.
But what if Liam had heard what he had told Zach? It hadn't been anything gory or horrific, but still, it was an all out honest history of many of his days in Afghanistan, his days and just as many nights in Chicago. He had opened up to him about Camila, being shot while chasing the arsonist, being kidnapped and Lindsay saving him. About catching the case with two little boys being shot in the head. He had said so much, nearly everything and had felt better for it—but if Liam had heard any of it—how could he have been so stupid to even take the risk? All those secrets that had been sealed away and he just parted with them after a few beers and relied on a door to protect what been confidential?
"Man, I've got so much baggage—from childhood, from the war, from the streets. Liam doesn't deserve that, any of that." Jay had said several beers in as his friend sat at the other end of the couch.
"I still can't believe you're a daddy. Go figure. But dude, seriously, we all have baggage of some sort, it's part of being human. You had a crap relationship with your dad—then make sure you don't have that same relationship with your son."
"I'm trying. But somehow I seem to fail at every turn."
"Nah, man. You're his dad, you're here, that's what matters. You make too much about the details then you are taking your baggage and putting it on him. Don't do that. Keep it simple."
Jay pulled himself back to the present as he sat at yet another red light. Millennium Park was on his left, he risked a quick glance at the dot seeing it was nowhere near here. Liam loved the Bean and Jay had thought this could be a possible destination, but clearly the boy was deeper inside the city. He looked down Michigan Avenue with its pedestrian traffic and all of its shops, he was just south of the Magnificent Mile. He took a quick right onto E. Madison and drove to N. Franklin where he turned right, finally to Lake where he found parking and left the truck. He headed back towards Randolph Street, but he wasn't sure why. His head was full of thoughts, his feet were on their own.
When had Liam's behavior drastically changed? He had struggled after the meeting with Emma, and it was after that his demeanor had really switched up, going from accepting and wanting to please, to a defiant nightmare. Had he heard Jay thoughts about Will being a better parent? If he had it would have confused him at the least, hurt him deeply at the worst. He looked down at the phone and swore the dot was coming and going like a pulse. He texted and called once more, but only got voicemail and no text response. He charged down the street, keeping his head on a swivel. He looked everywhere, but saw nothing.
"He went to the river," he heard a scratchy, hoarse voice yell at him.
"I'm sorry?" Jay asked, his eyes find the woman they called Mae. Had she once told them that was her name? The barista in the Starbucks on the corner where she set up camp had once mentioned that was her name but had they ever verified it?
"Your boy. I saw him an hour ago. Or so. I don't have a watch. We talked for a minute. He talked to some fancy family looking for the Opera House, said they could follow him because he was going to the river. But then he ran and got me a banana."
"Thanks," Jay said, making it sound more like a question.
"Detective," she yelled as Jay turned towards the river. He turned back, looking confused as to how she knew his title. She seemed to read his confusion, "we talked, remember? He's a good boy," she said holding up her banana peel, "and you're a good man. You need to fix this little rift between you. Good people need to stick together."
"Okay," Jay said. "I will." He said stopping and digging in his front pocket pulling out a ten dollar bill.
"No, not today," she said holding her hand up palm facing Jay.
"But I always give you something."
"Which is exactly why I won't take it this time. This was my turn to give. Now quit hanging around me, you're bad for business, go find your boy." She said shooing him away.
Jay jogged towards the river, but had no idea where Liam might be. In the warmer months, when the sun was up well into the evening, they would often come down and enjoy the Riverwalk, strolling, talking, getting ice cream. Had they done that last fall? Had that slipped from their routine? Jay racked his brain, trying to think when they had last come down for a riverfront outing. "September," he whispered to nobody but himself. Liam had gotten an A on a big test and Jay had promised him anything that he wanted within reason, and he had chosen the Riverwalk and some kind of treat. He had just wanted time, not a new toy, game, or trip to Six Flags, he just wanted his dad, time with his dad. What had they talked about that night? Dylan's parents getting divorced and how math was getting harder this school year and how recess time went by too fast. That's what they discussed. Jay felt some kind of vindication as the memories surfaced.
He crossed West Wacker and found a stairway to the river just as a young couple came up. "Hey, have you seen this kid?" He asked showing a picture of Liam from his phone. Even if he was on the Riverwalk, that meant miles of possibilities. There were quite a few entrances and even if Jay was close, Liam could exit at nearly anytime. He needed any help he could get. "He's my son," Jay tried as the couple looked at him as if he was a child killer. "Look, see," he said swiping his pictures to show shots of them together. "See the resemblance?" He reached to tug his shirt up, "I'm CPD, you can call in and ask, I'm Detective Jay Halstead," he explained along with his badge number. His hand was still resting on his jacket and he finally pulled it up, but his badge was absent, he hadn't put it on—there hadn't been a reason to. "I swear, call if you need to," Jay implored. The fact that they were still standing there told Jay they had seen Liam.
"We passed him about ten minutes ago or maybe less," the woman said. "He was sitting on a bench across from that huge building."
"The Merchandise Mart?" Jay asked.
"I don't know, maybe? We asked if he was alone, but he said his parents were nearby having a private conversation." The man said.
"Or maybe it was his father was nearby. I don't recall. But I'm pretty sure it was that kid. He had a hat on, so I can't be positive." The woman finished.
"Thanks," Jay said as he trampled down the stairs at double time. He checked his phone and it did seem to indicate that Liam was nearby. He looked across the river and saw the Merchandise Mart was just up head. He recalled during last summer they had watched some kind of art show projected on the building. Liam had lasted about ten minutes then decided he was done. He came around a jog in the trail and saw Liam just where the couple had described him. He was sitting alone, wearing the Chicago Fire soccer team knit hat that he had gotten for Christmas the year before. His head was down then he looked up, staring across the water oblivious to what was around him, which terrified Jay. He was so vulnerable and understood why the couple was so concerned.
"Liam," Jay finally said. "What the hell dude?" He asked, his hands stuffed in his coat as if that might help him keep his emotions in check.
"I needed time." Liam said flatly, unimpressed that Jay had found him.
"Time for what?"
"Time to figure out why you don't want me."
"What are you talking about?" Jay asked, his fear coming true. The couple he had questioned appeared behind him, checking to ensure they hadn't sold out the sad boy they had passed to a stalking pedophile.
"I heard you!" Liam yelled as he stood up, sending the couple scurrying, now certain this was family, a family in trouble, but together nonetheless. "You said Will should take me. Is that why we've been taking him dinner at the hospital sometimes and why he gets me once a month? So we can bond and he can take me?"
"You heard it out of context. That's not what I meant."
"It's what you said."
"You were eavesdropping. That's not okay."
"I was in my bedroom. I wasn't trying to. You were loud."
"No we weren't," Jay countered.
"You were drinking. You always get loud when you're drinking."
"I do?" Jay questioned, but Liam just crossed his arms and shook his head. "I checked on you, you were sleeping."
"I was pretending. You just opened the door, you didn't even come in."
"I'm sorry you heard that, but let me explain."
"Love to hear it," Liam snapped.
"After what happened with your mother—well, it threw us both for a loop. I didn't know what to say to you, and the longer you stayed quiet, the longer I stayed quiet." Jay so badly wanted to tell him his guilt about setting up the accidental meeting, but didn't want to confuse the issue. "You wouldn't talk to me. Then you wouldn't even stay in the same room as me."
"Because I thought you didn't want me. I thought if I just stayed out of your way—" he said his voice drifting. "Then you were gone all the time and I mean all the time. Sometimes you were already gone when I got out of bed. No morning run, nothing. When that stopped, I figured you didn't even want me around anymore at all."
Jay cleared his throat and looked at his son. "Kids think their parents know everything, but we don't. Or at least I don't. I struggle at a lot of things, but don't ever doubt my love for you. Ever." Liam still looked wary. "Clearly we need to talk and I'm sorry it hasn't already happened. There's a lot to explain about a lot of things." Jay said trying to suss out what Liam did and did not hear that night with his friend.
"Then you can explain about how you were the point man in Afghanistan and how you are here. The first one in most of the time."
"Then I know what I'm walking into, what I'm seeing. It was what I was trained to do as a Ranger and it gave me valuable experience that I get to use as a police officer."
"You're a sniper," Liam said, making it sound like an accusation.
"I am. Again, experience. And I'm usually pretty safe then—faraway from the action."
"You were shot and lied to me about it. You were kidnapped and beat up and never told me. I can't even remember the lie you told me then. You dated a CI. Well, you said you more than dated, but I won't say anymore than that. You caught that case with the two little boys, the ones shot in the head." Liam continued.
"Stop!" Jay said sternly. His worst dread had come true. Liam had heard nearly everything. How naive could he have been. So stupid. "I am the adult and there are things that you as a child don't need to know. And it is my job to decide what should be a part of your world and what should stay in mine. Children can be happy when their parents are miserable, but a parent can't be happy when their child isn't. I just want your world to stay happy or as happy as it can be."
"But you said I should live with Uncle Will." Liam reminded.
"No. I said you might be better off with him because I was screwing up all the time. I wasn't any good for you. I wasn't doing my job well enough. I drank too much that night, complained too much, let my emotions get away from me. And allowing you to hear everything that you did, is proof of that. But I didn't mean any of it. I would never give you up. Ever. I love you kid—more than anything." Jay said as he pulled his hands out of his pockets and took several steps towards his son.
"I screw up and you still love me. You screw up and I'll still love you," Liam finally said after taking a minute to contemplate.
"Did you hear what you just said? If you screw up, I still love you. And I do—no matter what I love you. I just want what's best for you. Uncle Will is good for you, but that doesn't mean I am giving you up. I'm so sorry that you heard any of what I said. I can't imagine how scary it was."
"I didn't know anything about you. And yeah, what I found out was pretty scary."
"That's the problem with eavesdropping, it isn't for your ears."
"But I was in my room," Liam reminded.
"I know. I was wrong having that conversation so close to you. But you could have come out and said we were keeping you awake. Or when I checked on you, if you had even moved, I would have known that you were awake. You purposely lied by staying still as if you were sleeping. You have to respect privacy or expectations of privacy. What I choose to tell you or not to tell you is up to me and you have to honor that as well." Jay finished, having walked to within a couple of feet of Liam.
"Okay," Liam whispered. "So you want to keep me?"
"Forever," Jay said. He opened his mouth to say something else but Liam had closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around his waist. Whatever Jay was going to say was lost. But it didn't matter anymore. "Let's get out of here, it's getting dark."
"Dad." Liam said as he pulled away.
"Yeah."
"I went on Lower Wacker."
"When?"
"Right before I came here."
"Today?"
"Yeah."
"By yourself?"
"Yeah."
"Do you know how dangerous that is?"
"I didn't see anyone and I was only down there for a minute," Liam explained.
"A minute too long." Jay said swiping his face with this hand. "Why did you go down there?"
"Because it's where you were shot. I remember it from the news. I didn't know exactly where, but I just needed to see."
"Well thank you for being honest and telling me." Jay said as they climbed up the stairs to the street and began walking. He spied the young couple he had interacted with earlier, taking in the sites. They gave him a small smile. If they had stopped and eavesdropped they would have gotten quite a show.
"Let's go," Jay said taking Liam's hand as they came to the stairs that went down to Lower Wacker.
"Why?" Liam asked as he followed Jay down the stairs.
"You want to know what happened that day. I'll tell you. Did you know there is a Lower, Lower Wacker? Another level below here. The garbage trucks park down here and they use it for storage. I think awhile back they had races down there. But those ended a long time ago." Jay explained.
"Can we go down there?" Liam asked.
"No, it's even darker and creepier than this."
"Why do people walk down here?"
"Shortcuts mostly. Okay. The offender had come down here." Jay said moving the conversation along.
"Right here?" Liam asked, his eyes big.
"No, over by Columbus. It's towards Millennium Park, north of there. But it looked a lot like this. Anyway, he knew I was following him and he started to run. I knew he was trying to leave the country and I couldn't let him get away with what he did. So I started running too. We were running down the middle of the street. I remember a tow truck driving by. I took my gun out of my holster and kept running. He went around a corner, just like that one," Jay pointed at corner, "and waited for me. But I wasn't thinking straight, I wasn't careful and he had a gun too and he turned and shot at me several times." Jay inhaled the scent of the underground street, taking him back to that day. He could feel his feet running, his chest heaving in and out in its quest for air. He held Liam's hand tighter as he continued. "Some missed but one hit me in the chest and one hit me in the side. I went down, the bullet hit my vest, it didn't go through but it knocked the wind out of me. I had fired my gun and hit the man and he went down too. I hit him in the chest but he didn't have a vest on. He was still alive when I crawled over to him."
"Did he say anything?" Liam asked looking up at his father.
"He said he wanted to see his family, but he died right after he said that. My chest hurt so much. Breathing was painful. I had already called for help on my radio and I just laid there on my back in the gutter. Do you know who I was thinking about when I was lying there?"
"Mom?"
"No."
"Hailey?"
"No."
"Erin?" Jay shook his head.
"Uncle Will?"
"No," Jay said shaking his head as he smiled, not believing his son still hadn't guessed.
"Then who?"
"You, silly. All I could think about was you." Jay failed to tell Liam how Daniel, the man he had been chasing, had asked to see his father. The words hitting home that Jay would never see his again, and how his own actions could have very well caused the same situation for his own son. "I thought about how stupid I had been and how it would affect you, how it could have been worse. Then Hailey and Adam found me pretty fast. They made sure the ambulance got to me quickly and it was pretty much over. I didn't even have to go to the hospital."
Liam stood there, looking down the darkened street, a few vehicles passing by. "How come you weren't smart? How come you didn't think about him being around the corner?"
"Because I was too close to the case. Because the man that I was chasing, set the fire in grandpa's building. And all I could think about was grandpa dying because of the fire." Jay thought privately of how many had died, or were displaced, collateral damage for a Cartel hit.
"So why did Voight let you be on the case?"
"He didn't. I disobeyed a direct order. He told me to stand down."
"But you didn't."
"No. I didn't. But I should have. But I just couldn't stop myself."
"Was Sarge mad?"
"Yeah," Jay said remembering that one-sided conversation. "I got in trouble."
"You did?"
"Yep. Adults can get into trouble too."
"What happened to you?"
"I was reminded about my poor decision making. Then I was taken off the streets for a period of time. I had to see a counselor."
"Wow."
"Yeah wow. Now you know all about me getting shot."
"Did you learn from it?" Liam asked.
"I did. And I won't do it again, just like you won't take off and go anywhere alone again. At least not without permission. Right?"
"Right. Sorry."
"I feel like we keep having this conversation, but so far you keep doing it."
"No I don't." Liam protested.
"You don't? Let's see, skipped school for a trip to Canaryville, took off on the L with your mom, took off on the L for The Loop," he said ticking them off his fingers.
"Okay, so maybe I do."
"But you won't do it again or there will be serious consequences. In fact, I see a rough couple of weeks ahead for you. And I think maybe talking to a counselor might be good for you."
"No it won't. I'm okay."
"I'm not sure you should be." Jay said as they went back up to Upper Wacker. He wanted to tell Liam he had been the one to lead Emma to him, but the words just got stuck in his throat. "You went through a lot recently with seeing your mom and then everything you heard with me."
"But I don't want to," Liam tried. "I don't want to talk to anyone. I can handle it."
His words reminded Jay so much of himself at difficult times and he couldn't handle it, despite his promises to those around him that he could. "Well, I haven't wanted to track you down three separate times in the last several weeks, yet here we are. I think I'll decide on the counselor and then you'll abide by my decision. I'm hungry and had to spend a fortune to park the truck, so I say we stay downtown and find a place to eat. Sound good?"
"Yes," Liam agreed nodding his head so hard he almost knocked himself off of his feet.
They found a deep dish pizza place and got a couple of slices and sat down with their drinks at a tall table, where Liam's legs hopelessly dangled and Jay's barely reached the lower rungs of the stool. "Just cheese? Still no meat?"
"I like not eating meat."
"It's my fault your mom found you," Jay blurted out before he lost his nerve again. "I had spoken to her the night before. I didn't know until then that she was alive. Your Uncle Liam had told me she was dead, but I wanted to ask him a few more questions but when I went to find him I found your mother. We talked about you and then I left, but I told her where you'd be so she could just see you for a minute. I thought I told her because I wanted to give her a chance to see you, but the more I thought about it, I realized I did it because—"
"Because why?" Liam interrupted.
"Because I wanted to show you off. Because you are what I am most proud of."
"I am?"
"Hands down."
"Really?"
"Yeah, absolutely. So I wanted to show you off. But I also wanted her to see that we were doing okay all by ourselves. That I was doing okay as a father."
"You do better than okay."
"I'm not sure about that. If I had kept my mouth shut, then you wouldn't have had to go through all that turmoil."
"But I'd think she was dead and you'd have another secret. It was hard seeing her and watching her leave, but I think it's better that I know. But what's so hard is not knowing is why she left, why she can't stay. You didn't say anything about that when I was eavesdropping."
Jay realized that he hadn't. Thankfully he hadn't really mentioned any of it. "Well no more eavesdropping. Understood?"
"Understood," Liam replied. And despite the fact he did, he would falter on his promise almost immediately.
Soundtrack: Don't Fade on Me by Tom Petty (I prefer the version from American Treasure)
To be continued...